DP taken our son to his ex's

(76 Posts)
Piercy Fri 20-Sep-13 21:55:13

My DP has a son by a different relationship, and he is due up tonight and DP has gone to pick him up, DP has just rung to say he has met his son and they are going to ex's house with his son (DSS) to collect clothes etc.

DP has taken our 5 month old son with him, I'm a first time mum and our DS was in intensive care for 6 days and I feel I'm incredibly protective of him he has reflux and I'm struggling to keep my confidence up that I am a good mum and doing right by him, when there are days he screams won't go down for a nap.

DP ex I know has struggled with us having a child together, she smokes in the house and smokes cannabis and I just don't want our son in a smokey house, being flaunted in front of her. I know he is going to be picked up like some trophy and he has already been sick tonight I just wanted him to have a car drive (hopefully to help send him to sleep) and come home. I don't want other people "pawing" over him, and I think this goes back to when he was so poorly he wasn't allowed anyone to pick him up except his me and his Dad (even when he came home we had to be careful)

DP refused to sit in the car while his son collected his clothes - I ended putting the phone down saying "bloody kid" as DSS needs a kick up the arse he is lazy, a liar, he is nearly 20 by the way.

Why did he have to take him in the house and flaunt him, and have him "pawed" over? Why does he have to go near the ex?

Liara Fri 20-Sep-13 21:59:50

I'm sorry, but there are so many issues in your OP that I can't even begin to address them all.

The only thing I can say is that you saw fit to have a son with your DP, you are just going to have to live with the fact that he is your ds's father and is responsible for what he does when he is with him. That will continue to be true even if you split up with your dp.

But seriously, in all kindness, you really should look into getting some counselling.

I wouldn't want my baby in that situation, but I hope that you can trust your dp to look after your son, and hopefully he will keep the visit as brief as possible. Fwiw, I grew up with two smokers, and have survived so I wouldn't worry too much about a short exposure to a smokey house - even though I absolutely agree that it is not a good place for a baby to be.

I do agree that it would have been perfectly reasonable for him to ask his son to nip into the house on his own, to get the clothes.

MintyDiamonds Fri 20-Sep-13 22:06:41

He's not just your son, he is your partners aswell so surely he can make decisions such as where to take his son? You do sound overly anxious, my 6 month old dd also spent a few weeks in NICU and has reflux and I probably was a bit precious with her, but you sound on an entire other level.

Alisvolatpropiis Fri 20-Sep-13 22:07:15

He was picking up his elder son. He had the baby with him. He is proud and excited about the new baby, he wants to show him off.

I highly doubt he was smoking a spliff with his ex.


Unexpected Fri 20-Sep-13 22:11:10

If your ds has already been sick tonight, why did you thinking sending him for a car drive was a good idea? Regardless of whether he might fall asleep or not, it would probably have been better to keep him home with you.

cosydressinggown Fri 20-Sep-13 22:11:50

I'd feel the same as you so think YANBU.

You have every right to feel protective and to not want your baby in a smoky home.

In fact you have every right to not want your partner's ex holding your very young baby, even if she's Miss Fucking Congeniality.

Ask him not to do it again.

mehimandthegirls Fri 20-Sep-13 22:19:10

Tbh I decided where my dds go. I gave birth to them, they spend 95% of the time with me. If I say they don't go any where they don't go.

Op if you don't want your lo going in the house, tell him. He is not a trophy.

utreas Fri 20-Sep-13 22:24:35

YABU and frankly ridiculous, he's taken his son to pick up his other son and your sons half brother.

Fenton Fri 20-Sep-13 22:27:22

I think you are probably a bit cross with yourself about letting him take the baby for a drive while he picked his elder son up.

I wouldn't like the scenario you describe either but I think you'll have to bite the bullet and put this one down to experience.

BrokenSunglasses Fri 20-Sep-13 22:27:57

If he was looking after the baby while he collected his son and his son needed to pop home to get stuff, then what else was he supposed to do.

Say to his older child 'Sorry son, you're just going to have to wear the clothes you are in now until Sunday, because my wife won't let the baby anywhere near your mother. It doesn't matter if you don't have the things you need to do your homework, you'll just have to cope'?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 20-Sep-13 22:30:30


Fenton Fri 20-Sep-13 22:33:39

The situation was that a baby was in the home of and possibly in the hands of someone his mother does not have a great relationship with.

Anyone would feel uncomfortable about that.

GoingUpInTheWorld Fri 20-Sep-13 22:43:33


There is no reason for your dp to take the baby in the house. That would of been a bit of faffing around because a 20 year old is incapable of getting some clothes!!!


Brokensunglasses - the older ds is nearly 20 - he could have nipped into the house on his own, to collect the things he needed.

BrokenSunglasses Fri 20-Sep-13 23:07:16

I did miss that he was twenty, but even so, I can see a reason for a little discomfort, I can see a reason for a total flip out and argument over the phone.

The baby was with his Dad. He was fine. He wasn't visiting the other woman, he was with his Dad while his brother was collecting some clothes. It's almost a non issue.

If OP has asked if she WBU to feel a bit uncomfortable, I'd have said no. But it is unreasonable to make irrational demands over the phone for no good reason and then put it down when you don't get your own way.

Piercy Fri 20-Sep-13 23:09:36

DSS popped home for his 40" flat screen TV!! FFS I've just done a loop the loop. He is meant to be spending time with his little brother and us and instead he intended to be in his room - DP just can't say no!

BTW I was on the phone upstairs when DP disappeared with our son - i think you are right - over excitement and wanting to "show" DS to all that are interested

I have calmed down a bit

PeppiNephrine Fri 20-Sep-13 23:09:58

The baby is as much your OH's as yours, and you can't control everything about their relationship and where they go.
You really do need to chill out, you're only hurting yourself.

Viviennemary Fri 20-Sep-13 23:13:36

I wouldn't be happy about this either. Your son should have stayed at home if he wasn't well.

YANBU. It doesn't really matter whether anyone else thinks you should or should not be ok with this- the fact of the matter is that you weren't ok with it and your DP should have respected that.

I have a fantastic relationship with my DSS and an average civil relationship with DH's ex. I am pregnant with our first- DH will not be taking our child to his ex's. DSS I hope will have a fab relationship with his little bro/sis- but the baby is still nothing to do with DH's ex, any more than it would be anything to do with one of my ex's!!!

HeySoulSister Fri 20-Sep-13 23:14:31

Why would a 20 year old want to spend all weekend with a baby? Brother or not, it's boring. He got his tv. So what?

You sound very controlling.... You don't own that baby exclusively.

PeppiNephrine Fri 20-Sep-13 23:18:53

Of course it matters if its the babies father!

Why do some women insist on acting as if theirs is the only opinion that matters? Children have 2 parents, not 1, having a vagina isn't a golden trump card.

Piercy Fri 20-Sep-13 23:37:40

We have TV's, WII, sky etc he's brought it for his bedroom so to me that says he is going to spend the majority if his time up there! His Dad is desperate for some family time.

I'm not controlling however I think what got my goat was not being asked before hand!

HeySoulSister Fri 20-Sep-13 23:41:00

Why should he ask for something which just crops up? He didn't plan it, it just happened
In fact, it's his son, why does he need your permission? He doesn't...

utreas Fri 20-Sep-13 23:44:04

Why do you need to be asked? You sound highly egotistical

WorraLiberty Fri 20-Sep-13 23:46:38

YANBU about the smoke

But "pawing" and "flaunting"??


When you take your baby to visit people do you flaunt him? Do people paw at him?

Or do you just simply take your baby to someone's house as your DP has done?

Piercy Sat 21-Sep-13 10:05:59

Its the EX that I have an issue with - if it was his Aunt that lives in the area or a friend not a problem - he doesn't have to ask my permission.

Only 2 weeks ago DP told me he didn't want my ex to even know anything about our DS - works both ways don't you think?

I think we will close this here!!

JustBecauseICan Sat 21-Sep-13 10:11:07

Why did you have a baby with this man? When you (presumably) knew he had other children that you were going to have issues about?

Why did you "allow" him to take his own baby out today if you are so uncomfortable with it?

At least you recognise you have an issue with the ex. But believe me, as others have said, you have more than that.

livinginwonderland Sat 21-Sep-13 10:14:51

You can't control what your DP does with his own son. You CHOSE to have a baby with him, knowing full-well he had an ex that smoked, as well as a DSS. He has just as much a right as you do to take his son out for a car trip.

maddy68 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:18:21

Honestly? I think you are being very unreasonable and way way too precious. Your dp has a past. He will always have this other family in his life and now your child's life.

You need Get a grip on this Or this will ruin your relationship.
As for your step son bringing a tv. So what? Your oh wants him to feel at home in your home. He will not be spending all his time with you. He will wan thus in space. What's wrong with that?
Tbh you sound very controlling. This could well be hormones and not the real you. But it is sonething to consider. Have you thought about a gp visit? Loads of help is available

maddy68 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:19:13

Want his own space. Bloody iPad

AboutTimeForAChange Sat 21-Sep-13 11:02:56

I agree you need to sort your issues out.

I feel sorry for your DSS, DP and the EX.

Did you paw and flaunt the Ex's child your DSS? She had to trust you with her precious child! At least she had managed to produce a Man and has a bit of experience around children.

Tiptops Sat 21-Sep-13 11:38:08

YABVVVU. I hope when you've calmed down you can see how controlling you're being. You weren't asked for permission? He is your partner's baby just as much as he is yours! You have equal parenting rights. And so what if he is proud of your son and wants to show him off?

Your attitude to your DSS is worrying too.

Cravey Sat 21-Sep-13 11:52:32

He's 20 no doubt he has no interest in your precious darling son. Leave him alone. It seems that everything he does you are going to moan about. He and his dad will sort it themselves. Do you have some some of control issue ?

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 21-Sep-13 12:12:01

YABU OP. And both you and your DP need to work on your trust issues.sad

Famzilla Sat 21-Sep-13 13:05:09

YABU. At 20 years old he is an adult and can do whatever the hell he wants. So whether your DP just can't say no or not doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

I highly doubt she was blowing smoke in your DS's face.

These are your problems, and it would do you well to address them. I understand it must have been awful having your son in NICU but you can't take it out on others like this.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 21-Sep-13 14:03:01

Do you have children with your ex? If not there is no reason at all why you would contact him to speak about your new baby with someone else.

Your dp on the other hand has a child with someone else, his dreaded ex. It's rather unavoidable that she will know about the new baby isn't it?

Maybe he took the baby because you were on the phone and thought he was doing a nice thing by taking him so you could carry on talking.

You are no doubt a lovely person but are sounding like a bit of a pain in the arse here.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 21-Sep-13 14:03:56

Also - your dss is 20. He is going to have minimal interest in the new baby.

He might want to spend time with his dad but probably isn't that interested in his step brother.

JustBecauseICan Sat 21-Sep-13 14:08:52

The DSS is probably mortified that 20 yrs on his Dad is still at it with babies tbh.

I think you've probably left the thread and are probably very upset OP. I also think you should consider having a word with your Gp or HV as you sound a bit anxious. Which is understandable if your baby was sick when born.

Your attitude towards your stepson though is neither understandable or acceptable.

PeppiNephrine Sat 21-Sep-13 14:34:33

"I'm not controlling I'm just pissed off that he didn't ask my permission before he took his own son somewhere"

Yeah, thats not at all controlling hmm

thebody Sat 21-Sep-13 14:43:24

er why would a 20 year old want to spend all if his time with your baby?

not everyone finds other people's babies all consumingly interesting and he would be a wierd 20 year old if he did.

Booboostoo Sat 21-Sep-13 15:11:27

DSS HAS to spend the weekend with DS but no one else is supposed to paw over him? YABU

PomBearArmy Sat 21-Sep-13 16:34:04

Peppi She has a five month old baby who was in intensive care, I think she can be forgiven for wanting to know where he is and that he's okay.

I'm glad the OP has made the sensible decision to exit the thread, anyone asking for help on this board is in for a verbal kicking! No wonder the anti-MNers call us a pit of vipers...

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 22-Sep-13 14:26:15

Pombear, she knew where DC was and that he was with his dad. There was no real risk to the child. Instead, he is being used in a trust game between OP and her DP.sad

PeppiNephrine Sun 22-Sep-13 14:30:21

HE has a five month old baby who was in intensive care, and he knew where he was.
And thats not what it was about anyway. OP admits that it would have been fine if they had gone anywhere else, her problem is WHO they saw not anything else.

GatoradeMeBitch Sun 22-Sep-13 17:39:28

I'm just saying we could have a little bit of understanding for her situation and feelings, that's all. None of us are perfect human beings with perfect responses to everything. I just don't like kicking someone when they're obviously down.

(I'm PBA by the way, namechanged in honour of Breaking Bad finale.)

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 17:43:33

I do think that sometimes people,when they're feeling a bit down lose perspective and actually need someone to tell them straight.

Clearly the OP disagreed as she's buggered off.

Her dp also had a baby who was in images nice care remember. Fairly sure that was a difficult time for him too.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 17:44:39

*intensive even. That'll teach me not to proof read.

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 18:04:00

YANBU. And if your DH had taken your baby anywhere else that you had expressely said you didn't want the baby took, you wouldn't be getting a hard time. The very fact that you mentioned ex's and step children meant that you were going to get a flaming no matter what the circumstances. FWIW I despise my SIL for various reasons, my DC have never and will never be in her house, my DH may not necessarily agree but respects my opinion as their mother.

Oh boy, you created a whole future of problems when you chose this man as your dp and have a baby with him. Did you never consider the issues with his adult child and his ex before you decided to make a family? hmm

Not sure that I really agree that either of these are issues (aside from smoking spliffs) but YOU clearly find them issues, and you thought have thought about this both when you decided to have a child, and when you sent the child out in the car, despite having been sick in the night.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 22-Sep-13 18:44:42

Another whiny step mother trying to control everyone in the entire family because they've happened to join it.

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 19:11:51

Because who has happened to join it sparkly? The OP is the baby's mother - why shouldn't she have a say in where her infant child goes?

Stereo typing Step Mothers just a little there Sparkly hmm

mehimandthegirls Sun 22-Sep-13 19:38:29

Ugh ! The ugly side of mn rears it's ugly head again.
I can't understand the posters who are making out that the op has no say in where the child goes.

If I told my do that our dd was not to go anywhere as it made me feel uncomfortable he wouldn't. And visa versa.

He took that baby to show off.
Why is that acceptable to use a baby to score points.

Yes op has got some ishooooos to sort out but honestly 'ladies' some times you are actually like the mob telling people who need telling hmm

School yard bullies hiding behind a keyboard .

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 19:42:16

It's hardly the bullying to disagree with the OP. confused

PeppiNephrine Sun 22-Sep-13 20:13:27


mehimandthegirls Sun 22-Sep-13 21:35:15

Op ... I would leave this thread as clearly your not allowed an opinion on what happens to your son and god forbid you have any fucking feelings regarding a step child which flash word on this forum.

Sparklysilversequins Sun 22-Sep-13 21:49:29

Why shouldn't the Dad be able to make a decision where his child goes without having to clear it with her first? Presumably he is trustworthy enough given that the baby has been poorly tonight and she was ok with him taking him out?

Sparklysilversequins Sun 22-Sep-13 21:50:44

OP, would you mind if he had taken your baby to a mutual friends house to show him off?

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 21:53:46

Because the OP specifically told him not to take the baby to the ex's, she's the child mother and was come rely disregarded. OP made it clear that the ex had issues with the OP being pregnant and quite frankly the OP is well within her rights not to want her baby being in company with a person who has issue with the baby's existence. Plus reading between it the lines the OP's DP may well have been using the baby as a big old "fuck you" to his ex. I would not appreciate anyone using my child in such a way.

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 21:54:53

She already said she wouldn't but presumably mutual friends wouldn't have had issue with her being pregnant with the child in the first place hmm

Sparklysilversequins Sun 22-Sep-13 21:56:24

Or maybe he just wanted to show off his gorgeous son?

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 22:01:30

He wanted to show his son off to someone who has issues with the child's existence. That seems very much like a FU in my opinion.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 22:06:50


If that was aimed at me, well done on the display of pa <high five>

BruthasTortoise Sun 22-Sep-13 22:09:03

OP on the off chance that you're still reading and haven't been scared off please speak to your HV or GP reagrding DS's reflux. It's an horrendous thing to go through and can be very draining. You sound like a lovely mum, you're over protective but that's completely understandable with your first baby and especially when he's still so tiny. flowers

PeppiNephrine Sun 22-Sep-13 22:21:46

nope, it was at the bonkers poster shrieking "bullies" at people with a differnt opinion.
I don't do passive agressive, I just do passive or aggressive.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 22-Sep-13 22:24:02

I was a bit hmm at whether it was meant for me or not!

Apologies for being a sarcastic arse blush

MusicalEndorphins Sun 22-Sep-13 23:10:08

I don't ask to hold peoples babies, and even if she does hold him, he will be fine.
When I had my first son in the 70's everyone smoked, and the kids survived.
As far as the TV, maybe he is set in his programs or plays games and doesn't want to hog the family tv's. I see nothing wrong with that at all.
Try and calm down, and remember to not sweat the small stuff.

PeppiNephrine Sun 22-Sep-13 23:47:11

Thats ok! ;)

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 23-Sep-13 01:42:01

The Ex has issues.
The DP has issues.
The OP has issues.

Won't anyone think of the children?????^runs away screaming^

All of them should grow the fuck up (OP included). And stop using this child to score points and get back at eachother.angry

mehimandthegirls Mon 23-Sep-13 01:55:52

Shrieking.... Hardly just looking at black white seeing two posters realise that they have 'different opinions' and getting giddy with it.

So ODFOD your self. Shriek and passive agressive ... 2 points for using two of AIBU trendy words. grin

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 23-Sep-13 02:05:38

I have to say I, too was confused at the word bullying. Do those who have used it know what it means?

It does not mean voicing a different opinion.

perfectstorm Mon 23-Sep-13 02:07:18

I think a lot of people are missing that OP didn't agree to her DP taking their son. She was, she says, on the phone upstairs when he just disappeared with him. DP has insisted OP's ex knows nothing about the baby but wants to show him off to an ex who isn't happy he exists, in a smoky house, against OP's expressed wishes... and just takes him at night, after he's been sick, to achieve that?

Sure, she's over-reacting. But I'd be irritated, too. I'd never leave the house without telling DH, with or without the baby. Nor would I take our kids somewhere DH really didn't want them to go.

perfectstorm Mon 23-Sep-13 02:09:04

Having said that blaming the ss for wanting time to himself isn't fair. He's 19 - why would he want babies 24/7? Especially as OP plainly doesn't like him much.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 23-Sep-13 02:15:10

No parent has to get the agreement of the other to do what they see fit while the child in their care. Unless the child is being abused or put in danger, there shouldn't be an issue.

This child wasn't being abused. He was not in danger. The poor mite is being used in his parent's power games with eachother.sad

I repeat: The adults here should grow the fuck up.

mehimandthegirls Mon 23-Sep-13 07:56:33

Ok maybe bullying was a too stronger word. I just had it when posters oppose veiws and keep peck peck pecking to ram home there views in repeated messages before the op has even responded to their first. Especially when two mural head peckers find each other on thread.

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