To be really shaken up by this driver

(93 Posts)
filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 10:21:57

Who cut me up on a roundabout and then insulted me and my weight and my looks and called me a bitch and a slag?

It's really hurt me. Mostly, probably because all of it rang true.

Feminine Fri 20-Sep-13 10:23:46

I'll bet you are actually quite gorgeous, and that he was a lump of a 'man'

He knows nothing about you. Try to remember that...smile

FreudiansSlipper Fri 20-Sep-13 10:24:36

what rang true that he/she is a nasty aggressive abusive person

that is the only truth

filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 10:25:12

I am most certainly not 'gorgeous' I am not one of life's wall flowers! Which is fine we can't all be and I am clever and funny and have other things about me that are good.

But I am fat and I am ugly and I do feel a bit worthless.

CocacolaMum Fri 20-Sep-13 10:25:57

If YOU have an issue with your weight and looks then do something about it. I cannot say whether you are a bitch or a slag, how could he tell that from your driving? was he Derren Brown?

LessMissAbs Fri 20-Sep-13 10:26:46

Did he get out of the car? If so, report is to the police as an assault encompasses putting you in fear of being attacked.

The last man that did that to me, I kept the windows locked while he ranted outside, and then, as he went back to his car, a great rage came over me, and I'm afraid I got out and roared at him and pointed out his own failings. He turned into a mouse and whimpered "don't tell my wife, I'm going to collect the kids".

DameDeepRedBetty Fri 20-Sep-13 10:26:46

What a horrible man!

Don't suppose there were any witnesses?

LeaveTheBastid Fri 20-Sep-13 10:27:26

What a disgusting pig of a man he sounds. I'd much rather be ugly, fat, hell maybe even a slag (could be fun for a while grin ) than ever be as vile as he is, calling a woman those names for a mistake that he made.

Try not to let it affect you too much OP. He is the worthless one, not you.

filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 10:27:38

I have tried and tried again with my weight and its so hard to lose weight. I find it very difficult to be hungry and I just fall into terrible habits. I am very busy and self conscious so going to the gym fell flat.

It's just something I continually fail at.

elcranko Fri 20-Sep-13 10:28:17

What an idiot. He just came up with the first insults that came into his head to take the attention away from his shit driving. I bet he says similar to a lot more people than just you.

foslady Fri 20-Sep-13 10:29:03

STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!

You are not ugly, and I can't comment on your weight, but I doubt that you are in the seriously health risk obese. You are agreeing with his anger at you for him fouling up and you KNOW that is wrong.
I'm with neitzer - anyone can lead you to the abyss, but only you can allow yourself to step over, so step away from the edge.......

Here, join me in brew

HitTheNorth Fri 20-Sep-13 10:29:55

He is a piece of shit. He is the worthless one. He proved that by his behaviour. What you look like is irrelevant, and you were just unfortunate to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and so be on the receiving end of his abuse. It was nothing to do with you at all. Sorry you had to take that from a horrible bully like him.

filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 10:29:56

And anyway, there would be some point to losing weight it it mattered but I am still ugly. I was a size 12 before and my husband told me that him and his mates used to laugh at me for being a bit flirty because I was clearly the ugly one in the group. I wasn't trying to be flirty

I am just cringey and horrid.

I think I would rather be fat and have that to blame my utter unattractive self on than have to acknowledge that no matter what I do I am ugly.

baskingseals Fri 20-Sep-13 10:31:19

Filee - the only failure is him. What a loser.

You are not defined by your weight or looks, you are much more than that. Please don't let some sad wankstain upset you.

CocacolaMum Fri 20-Sep-13 10:32:17

whooaaah whoah whoah. why the fuck is your husband saying you are ugly?

foslady Fri 20-Sep-13 10:32:34

WTF??????????

Was your husband driving the car? Post a pic of your hubby on here, OP, bet he's no oil painting. And him and his mates sound as though they were a bunch of insecure dickheads

LeaveTheBastid Fri 20-Sep-13 10:32:39

Your husband told you that? Jesus fucking Christ.

HitTheNorth Fri 20-Sep-13 10:33:07

Your husband said that? shock

baskingseals Fri 20-Sep-13 10:33:11

Oh more losers.

Other people's inadequacies are not a value judgement on who you are. Beauty is more than skin deep

fuzzywuzzy Fri 20-Sep-13 10:34:53

filee I think you need to speak to your GP about this, to help you lose weight and also to discuss this feeling of worthlessness, also think you ought to drop kick oyur husband to the kerb, that will be a load of dead weight lost right there.

I don't persdonally give a crap what others think of my looks, I keep myself clean and and I'm happy with me (and I dont scare small children), and I'm a lovely person. anyone who thinks differently can keep walking.

SageMist Fri 20-Sep-13 10:35:57

Look, people who say these kind of things say it deliberately to cause upset. It's a form of defence - attack the other person and they will be distracted from the realities of the situation.

I've seen this happen to my DH, he called out a bad driver, and the bad driver let fly with all sorts of insults (some of which were true), just to distract my DH. Didn't work though, cos my DH doesn't give a shit about anyone else's opinion grin

So it isn't you, it was him.

Cluffyflump Fri 20-Sep-13 10:36:25

Your husband said that to you shock
Are you still with him?

I bet my arse you are better looking than you think!
Fwiw, clever and funny are much more attractive than 'pretty'.

I'm shock at your husband.

But tell me about this roundabout-dwelling High Judge of the Physical Appearance and Personal Morals. Was he a blonde Adonis?

Feminine Fri 20-Sep-13 10:37:58

It is all to do with your self-worth isn't it?

But you know that. It is very unlikely you are ugly, your weight is something only you can decide about.

As usual what happened to you (the driver) is only the tip of the ice-burg.

I don't think any woman would want to be abused like that, even if she felt she was gorgeous.

You need to think about what to do about that ass of a 'husband'

Selks Fri 20-Sep-13 10:38:05

Why are you internalising what this man said, rather than getting angry with him for being an abusive, rude, asshole?
Your looks - and I mean this in a nice way - are kind of irrelevant here. What is relevant is that this man was aggressive and out of order and you need to focus on that. He had no right to behave like that!
The other thing is your husband is emotionally abusing you by saying what he said. Does he often say things like that?
You do not have to take being treated like this. Nobody deserves being undermined and verbally abused. Maybe this treatment of you has sapped your confidence and led you to feel so bad about yourself.
Try to turn those feelings away from feeling bad about yourself and towards anger against those who are verbally and emotionally abusing you. You are worth more than this.

DameDeepRedBetty Fri 20-Sep-13 10:38:11

If that man is still your husband and hasn't apologised unreservedly for those vile comments you need to repost this to Relationships. Steam coming out of ears for you OP.

filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 10:42:03

He has apologised for it, but what is said is said

I lost a few stone last year and it didn't make a difference to aspects of our relationship, so I asked him if I would ever be beautiful and he said no.

That is him being honest. Of course I am still with him, here is a man who will love me despite my physical issues and has allowed me to have children. I would not have found love without him.

HitTheNorth Fri 20-Sep-13 10:43:50

He sounds horrible. Are you going to ask for this to be moved to relationships?

Cluffyflump Fri 20-Sep-13 10:45:41

Do you know what else?
I'm slim and blokes seem to find me attractive. If I had to lose my looks or my sense of humour, it would be bye, bye looks.
'Pretty' gets a bit of attention, but a good personality keeps people interested.
Think about the people you like to spend time with / admire. It's not about physical appearance.

Get some help for your low self esteem and weight.

The other driver is a twat, no matter what he looks like,

Cluffyflump Fri 20-Sep-13 10:48:11

"Of course I am still with him, here is a man who will love me despite my physical issues and has allowed me to have children. I would not have found love without him."

What!?
Stop being so bloody grateful!

Pendeen Fri 20-Sep-13 10:49:04

filee777

Forgive me if you have already stated this but I cannot see any reference above - was the other driver male or female because so many on here have immediately assumed 'male' and then gone on to vilify that driver as being, for example "a disgusting pig of a man" and "He is a piece of shit"

This is rampant sexism at it's worst IMO.

(Quite willing to be contradicted if you did say which).

Shakirasma Fri 20-Sep-13 10:50:30

Filee
Your husband does not know the meaning of the world "love".

He is a cunt.

CocacolaMum Fri 20-Sep-13 10:50:46

The driver and the husband are 2 very separate issues.

The driver is a twat who probably didn't give what he said to you a seconds thought and almost certainly didn't mean it.

BUT

Your husbands comments are so much more damaging and as for the way that you appear to accept that he loves you despite your looks.. well that just makes me feel sad for you. Telling you that you will never be beautiful is not him being honest, its him being unkind. I have to ask, why do you think he married you?

Do your children have self esteem issues yet? (I am not asking this in a bitchy way but there can often be a knock on effect)

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 20-Sep-13 10:51:04

With his attitude i think he should be grateful that you are with him. He sounds like a real arse

AdventureTed Fri 20-Sep-13 10:52:34

He only chose your weight and looks because that is what he thought would hurt you most because you are female.

Are you going to diet and have plastic surgery so he can call you a skinny bitch next time? Hell no! He is a grade one nasty prat who is likely to get mashed like a potato when he picks on the wrong person.

Look at all the abuse female celebrities get, whatever they look like.

LookingThroughTheFog Fri 20-Sep-13 10:53:37

First off, what a horrible man on the roundabout! You're not at all being unreasonable to be shaken by it! He's an absolute dick.

Secondly, I'm glad your husband apologised, but how nasty and unfair.

Finally, the good traits about yourself that you list, the clever and funny - these things count. People's weight and appearance change throughout their lives, but the basic, fundamental parts of their characters - the funny, clever, kind etc., they're yours for life. You might get a bit more mellow, but ultimately, you can't go on a diet to get clever or kind.

I've gained a stone recently and it all sits on my tummy making me look about 5 months pregnant. I've stopped dying my hair and let the greys show. It's part of life, and it's part of who I am now. Seems a bit silly to go chasing after the figure and youth I once had. I was fairly ignorant and stupid then. Regardless of how I look, I think I prefer the person I am now.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Fri 20-Sep-13 10:53:43

I really feel for you OP. You can't change what that twatty driver said to you, but you can work on yourself, and if it's worth it, your relationship.

We are surrounded by images of beautiful people and made to feel this is the ideal. The harse reality is most of us are really pretty plain! When I go clothes shopping and see beautiful clothes that won't magically transform me into a supermodel I get a bit depressed but then I look around me and see all the ordinary looking people shopping and I remind myself that is the reality. I feel better then.

Cluffyflump Fri 20-Sep-13 10:54:41

"This is rampant sexism at it's worst IMO."

If you think this is sexism at its worst Pendeen, then I suggest you get out more!

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Fri 20-Sep-13 10:55:03

'harsh'

Crowler Fri 20-Sep-13 10:58:45

Seriously, sexism at its worst? WTF?

OP, you are NOT FAT AND UGLY.

Your husband is a fucking asshole. He tried to take the wind out of your sails to make you a more compliant, grateful wife. Please look after yourself & your kids.

flatmum Fri 20-Sep-13 10:59:45

just to make you feel a bit better, a male driver called me a stupid, fat bitch and at the time I was a size 8. I don't think that kind of man would even look, just says what they know will be hurtful. xx

BIWI Fri 20-Sep-13 10:59:59

Pendeen does make an interesting point though - everyone did assume that the person that the OP refers to was a man. I wonder why that is?

fileee777 - that driver was just an ignorant and deeply unpleasant person. I can see that it would have been upsetting, but just try and ignore them.

What you can't ignore, though, is the way you talk about your husband - I can't believe that he would tell you that you're ugly sad, or that you would talk about yourself in such a subversive way. You deserve much more than that.

flowers for you.

AdventureTed Fri 20-Sep-13 11:03:51

Your husband sounds like an insecure man who is terrified of losing control of you.

Maybe he can envisage you having confidence and getting rid of him, and so he's trying to knock you down to keep his hold over you.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Fri 20-Sep-13 11:06:20

I think everyone assumed the driver was a man because the OP didn't specify otherwise. It's sexism alright - but I don't think it's sexism against men. I think it's the same deeply ingrained, inadvertent sexism that leads many people to think "man" when they hear "Doctor" and "woman" when they hear "Nurse".

edam Fri 20-Sep-13 11:06:55

Your husband is horrid. Why would someone who professes to love you be so cruel?

It sounds like there is something very wrong with your relationship, I'm afraid. Does your husband enjoy making you feel shit?

I bet you aren't ugly, you have just convinced yourself that because you have low self-esteem, which your nasty husband is playing on. Walk down the street and look at everyone else - people come in all shapes and sizes and facial types. We can't all look like, I dunno, Cameron Diaz.

Cluffyflump Fri 20-Sep-13 11:07:41

You are right Pendeen, most of us did assume that the idiot driver is male.
I doubt we were wrong sadly.
Not all men behave like this, but I and every other woman I know have encountered this type of behaviour from men many, many times.
On the flip side I have encountered many idiot females. However it is more usual for the kind of abuse the op suffered to have come from a man.

Kewcumber Fri 20-Sep-13 11:08:34

You are upset by this random strangers nasty comments because your (D)H has made you feel totally unattractive and that you should be grateful for any attention anyone gives you. I don;t think the two are unrelated at all.

What exactly is "beautiful" and "ugly"? Your nose might be the wrong shape for current fashion, or you might have too round a face. My nose turns slightly to one side and I have unbalanced nostrils. I also have a receding chin and freckles and my hair is going grey and my neck is slightly crepey (because I'm an old gimmer).

But I don't scare young children in the street so my looks are perfectly adequate, unless I decide to change career to become a supermodel aged 48 in which case they will be totally inadequate.

One of the most ugly people I ever knew in real life was a man who worked for me who had a very unfortunate squint and dreadful hair and was slightly podgy. 3 months after working with him, I would have walked over broken glass for him as he was one of the smartest funniest and loveliest men I have ever met. He was a really attractive person in every way that mattered and I would have had a wild impetuous fling with him in a heart beat if he hadn't been very happy with his girlfriend and also my junior!

As Judge Judy says "Beauty fades but dumb is forever".

Thankfully for your DH cruel and spiteful can probably be worked on with some counselling and thankfully for you, so can lack of self esteem and peculiar priorities when valuing people.

If your health is affected then by all means work on losing weight - you don't need to go to the gym to lose weight. Wrap yourself in whatever all-encompassing clothing you feel you need and get out for a walk 5 times a week. And add 5 minutes to whatever you can manage every time until you're walking briskly for 45 minutes. Then start the Couch to 5K plan and learn to run. If I can do it - anyone can.

cls77 Fri 20-Sep-13 11:09:49

The driver clearly said what comes out of their mouth on a regular basis (to either their DP) I am forever being insulted by drivers in that way (Im not a bad driver honest wink, and until last year my H used to talk to me like shit the whole time, "Your an ugly whore" "How can you let yourself go after having our D youre a disgrace" etc, I am now single and beautiful, he however is still a puny little man!! grin
OP I used to be greatful for the husband, and the chance to have a child, but believe me, they are the ones that make you feel like that in the first place. Would you want your children to feel like you do now, or do you wish the world for them?

You shouldn't be grateful to your husband for anything. I cannot believe he said that to you. What else does he say and then apologise for?

As you have said yourself, what's said is said. Apologies mean jack shit because the words can never be unsaid, and the hurt can't be undone.

I think you have issues with your self esteem because of your husband. And then when a prick at a roundabout says things which tally up with your own opinion of yourself, you choose to accept them as true instead of realising that the other driver was a twat, who probably had a bad day themselves and spoke in the heat of the moment.

Pendeen Fri 20-Sep-13 11:16:36

Fair enough:

"This is rampant sexism at it's worst IMO"

Have some flowers you deserve them because you're not worthless, you lost a few stone last year and that's a fantastic achievement.

I'm not surprised the twat driver made you feel bad, it sounds the same as the vile comments of your H.

HitTheNorth Fri 20-Sep-13 11:19:18

Pendeen it's probably less sexism, more stereotyping based on long experience imo.

fluffyraggies Fri 20-Sep-13 11:21:04

Oh filee sad thanks

I came on to say i was followed by a bloke (me in a car, him in his car), after a very minor altercation at a mini roundabout, 5 minutes earlier, all the way into tesco's car park so that he could park next to me, leap out of his car, and start shouting and swearing at me . I had my 14 yo DD with me at the time and felt intimidated by him. I stayed perfectly calm though, getting my bags out of the boot, which enraged the twat further, and soon several shoppers had come over to see if i was ok and to tell him to piss off and leave me alone blushgrin I was going to ask; could i/should i have called the police then?

But OP your self esteem is more important here, i really think you should listen carefully to the good advice posters are giving you re: getting back your sense of self worth. You are worth it. You sound lovely (hug)

filee777 Fri 20-Sep-13 12:29:12

It was a bloke.

I have had two major relationships in my life, the first with a guy who wouldn't kiss me in public and made a point of not kissing me or looking at me during sex and this one, with my husband. My brother told me my whole childhood that I was ugly and would never be loved

Well I am ugly but at least I have love!

I have a lovely family and most of the time I am okay. But yes, if I glance in the mirror or hear people like that guy or see people laugh at me I know.

To imagine I could find someone who would find me attractive is a dream but that is all it is. I have always been the 'ugly one'. I remember a friends mum telling me that I would never be beautiful like the other girls
I hung out with but at least I was myself.

I think her comment and the comment about my husband and his friends laughing at me were the two that tipped me over the edge and I have steadily put on weight since.

Now I am very fat and very ugly and it's easier I think. At least I can tell myself I can control my weight and that's why people are disgusted by me.

HitTheNorth Fri 20-Sep-13 12:31:44

You seem to have been very unlucky to meet some very unpleasant people. Any comments they make are about themselves, not about you. Your husband in particular doesn't sound like a nice man at all.

Goldenbear Fri 20-Sep-13 13:35:27

You have to see it for what it is, a thick person, probably articulating whatever insults come to mind. It is not about YOU, it is what he perceived you to do to him and he's just getting his revenge.

Cluffyflump Fri 20-Sep-13 14:16:41

Could you ever envisage saying to someone, those things your friends mum or your dh said to you?
I know I can't.
Anyone with even half a brain cell would know how hurtful it is.
It says a dam sight more about them than it does about you!

From what you've said, when you met your dh, you were flirty. I take that to mean that you were outgoing and fun. Able to chat and have a giggle with people in a social situation.
What happened? You sound like you've had the stuffing knocked out of you sad
You need to go to your gp and ask for help and get back to being yourself.
thanks

Delilahlilah Fri 20-Sep-13 14:25:54

Oh OP, you need some serious help. You have had great misfortune to have encountered people like this. My brother is also a shit head on occasion, and makes remarks about my weight that devastate me. Maybe this is why he is still single in his 30's and living with our mum... if he is equally tactless / nasty to his girlfriend's. I have learnt to ignore him, but couldn't ignore comments in the same vein from DH. He is not bring nice to you. We cannot see you, but I can tell you this - how you look is not important, how you feel is. You will probably find that if you are happy, you will lose weight as a side effect.

fluffyraggies Fri 20-Sep-13 14:45:10

Fillee i think everyone elses 'ugly' issue has become self fulfilling for you. I see what hit, above, is trying to say, but i think the rot set in at the first comment, and the rest is a symptom of your low self esteem. ie: you have allowed yourself to be surrounded by people who make shit comments, and you have come to accept the shit comments as being ok and true. You were being set up fr failure.

You say a friends mum made that remark about you and the 'other girls'. if your self esteem was fragile already, then it would have taken serious damage straight away.

Then: My brother told me my whole childhood that I was ugly and would never be loved.

So: a guy who wouldn't kiss me in public and made a point of not kissing me or looking at me during sex is seen as a reasonable situation by you sad

Followed by: husband told me that him and his mates used to laugh at me for being a bit flirty because I was clearly the ugly one in the group.

No, no, no. Our brains have a nasty habit of clinging to what we know best OP. If you spend your life surrounded by people telling you you are lovely then you think you are lovely, and will shun anyone bringing you down. Sadly the reverse is also true. You've been told your are ugly all your life, bless you.

fluffyraggies Fri 20-Sep-13 14:47:03

It's not your fault that you are so ready to agree with them - it's been drummed into you, but you have to see you are worth so much more than this.

edam Fri 20-Sep-13 23:42:26

Please listen to fluffy, she's dead right.

Shapechanger Fri 20-Sep-13 23:51:59

No one is 'ugly'; everyone has their own beauty, is unique, has a face that is interesting.

It's not sexist to assume that this was a man I don't think, I've been cut up by drivers and abused and I'm afraid nine times out of ten it's been a man. People who assume this is a man are just as likely to be basing this on experience as being negative about men in general and let's face it lots of 'normal' men turn into monsters when they get behind the wheel of a car

It's really disturbing that you are so grateful to your husband though. What do you mean he 'allowed' you to have children? Another way to look at it - you gave him children and he's fucking lucky.

RhondaJean Fri 20-Sep-13 23:56:45

Fucking hell Filee you post some stuff on here that worries me but this is the worst.

Sorry if that doesn't sound the way I meant it.

Can you talk to us and tell us your husbands good points? Does he look after you, make you feel special, make your life better?

If I found out any of my friends partners had spoken to them like this I would tear him a new one. Some random idiot driver honestly isn't worth worrying about. The person who is supposed to share your life however...

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:23:33

He is very kind, great with the kids, nice to me around my mental health issues, well housetrained. Cleans, cooks (everything but laundry which he is allergic too) he has tried repeatedly to apologise for stupid things he has said like I am not traditionally beautiful and I will never really be beautiful but he likes my mind. We get on great, lots of humour. We like the same films/music etc

I've been with him eight years, I'm 29 so nearly all my adult life. I couldn't imagine life without him.

NellysKnickers Sat 21-Sep-13 09:24:09

OP, so what if you aren't beautiful, I bet you are to someone though, everyone's idea of beautiful is different. As for the driver, forget him, I didn't drive for 5 years because of a cunt like him. Your husband, well, he probably just doesn't think before he speaks. You sound lovely, please don't let twattish comments get you down, you've been given some fab advice on here, please take it.

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 09:33:06

I don't quite know what to say. I don't know if he's just a thoughtless twat with foot in mouth disease ( forgive able) or an insecure controlling arsehole who puts you down to keep you where he wants you ( not forgive able in the least).

Either way he is hurting you and people you love shouldn't hurt you. I hate the fact he's picking on something you are insecure about already and something you cannot change - we may not all be beautiful by contemporary ideals, in fact we can't be, but we should all be beautiful to one person and they should make us feel like we are.

MikeOxard Sat 21-Sep-13 10:01:30

Oh my goodness, this thread is so shocking. That shithead had no right to call you those things, you seem like a lovely person who has been very damaged by other, not very lovely people. sad

As for your dh - I can't believe you seem grateful to him for being with you despite your looks! shock

He's not with you out of charity, that's not him sacrificing something - he loves you, he's in it for himself as much as for you. Also he's clearly a massive tool who needs to think before he speaks. Stop being grateful for him just living his life.

And don't get me started on 'allowing' you to have children - out of the two of you, you're the one who conceived, carried and grew the babies, and gave birth to them. YOU gave HIM the children, through great personal (and possibly financial/professional) sacrifice, not the other way round. If there is room for any gratitude in the relationship, then it's here - but it's going in the wrong direction!

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:31:33

He is definitely the 'open mouth insert foot' type but you can't unhear things, which I struggle with to be honest.

He would have found another girlfriend but I would never have met another man and I know that. Lots of people made that very clear throughout my life.

SelectAUserName Sat 21-Sep-13 10:46:14

Oh sweetheart, that's just so wrong. Listen to fluffy and please, please seek help to combat your low self-esteem. You should be with someone who treats you like the special, lovely person you are.

I'm not a physically attractive woman by society's standards but my DH treats me like I'm every beautiful film star rolled into one, and regularly calls me "gorgeous". That's what should happen in a loving relationship.

It sounds to me like your 'D'H has his own self-interest at heart, and plays on your vulnerabilities because he fears ending up alone, as he no doubt would if you were able to appreciate that you're worth more than this, that there are lovely people out there who can see past society's norms of physical appearance and that actually, having no relationship is better than one based on one person manipulating the other to think no one else will ever find them attractive so they had better stay where they are.

thanks

Hissy Sat 21-Sep-13 10:51:46

Filee, love, I people watch. As many do.

People come in all shapes and sizes, all kinds of beautiful. There are some less than photogenic peeps around who still have genuine, balanced and loving partners.

Your self esteem was wrecked, iirc, way before you started dating, iirc, you're a stately homer too aren't you?

You may think that you're not beautiful, but we can all see differently, by reading your words. Please get away from those that tell you to be grateful for them putting up with you! Stand your full height and tell them to FTFO and make space in your life to find out who you really are, and see the beautiful person you are.

That bloke in thé car was a twat, you don't need to give another second to him.

Think about it. We tell each other all the time here thatif a man treats waiting staff like shit, or is agressive and road ragey, that they are dumpworthy, and that we need to run a mile from them.

He's the ugly one love. Ugly to the core.

ElleMcFearsome Sat 21-Sep-13 10:57:51

Please go and talk to someone about raising your self esteem. I had a partner who dumped me for a tiny blond 'pocket venus because she was the kind of woman I needed to be seen with' (direct quote. It was 11 years ago and I can still remember it word for word.

I still have no full length mirrors in my house, but I now know that he's the cunt, not me. It took proper therapy to sort it. Please, for the sake of yourself and your children, try to access some help with this. thanks

Hissy Sat 21-Sep-13 10:58:59

I'm on my own too. Don't particularly want to be, but don't particularly want to do anything about it either.

I would rather be alone for the rest of eternity than be with someone who thinks I out to be grateful to be with them.

I finished with my bf of a year when he told me he didn't see a future together, but was happy to carry on because it suited him.

I literally was the best woman he's ever been with, wife included and he if he couldn't see that, then I'm wasting my time and his.

ZillionChocolate Sat 21-Sep-13 11:01:33

I disagree that you would never have found another man. You don't know.

I don't know how your face is arranged, but I do know that you sound like a good person. That is attractive. Your lack of self esteem is worrying though.

edam Sat 21-Sep-13 12:07:03

Please go and seek some counselling for your low self-esteem. Pretty please with cherries on top. You have a set of beliefs about yourself which are not accurate. Your self-judgement has been set by some pretty nasty people - the stately home ref. makes me think your family were crap, so you have (wrongly) believed bad stuff about yourself your whole life.

Please do go and get some help to get your thermostat set back to normal. It will take some work but it will help and you will start to realise you are normal and you don't have to be slavishly grateful to anyone for giving you the time of day.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 12:17:00

I have tried to seek support and am on anti depressants, I've also cut out my family including my mother who made it quite clear last time I spoke to her that she doesn't believe I suffered abuse because she doesn't seem how emotional torment can be construed as abuse.

I am just about to start university and I don't think I can handle doing anything else right now, there is an onsite counsellor I can go and see so I will do that.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 12:59:39

My goodness filee please have a big hugs from me wine and flowers. This self fulfilling profacy as you have been surrounded by crap people all your life who hav told you this. That is great that you have cut out your toxic family. Your dh is tactless and ext time he says something, pull him up on it! That driver is a fecking Idiot and you should try to consign him to te rubbish where he belongs. This s art of the reason why I don want to continue learning to drive, because of tools like that on te road.

It is good your going for counselling, fr me it helped my sef confidence no end. Also those 'beautiful' Hollywood women you see on tv don't look so beautiful without their make up artists.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 13:02:55

Yes what is beauty, everyone's idea of beauty is different.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 14:32:59

I can see that, but I've never been anyone's idea of beauty and I'm certainly not now I am larger as well.

Anyway a new chapter in my life starts on Monday so I'm going to focus on that. It's also the anniversary of my daughters death. She was 24 weeks when I delivered her.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 14:36:45

Oh my goodness filee, you have been through so much. You don't know filee. You have constantly been around people who have made you feel ugly and worthless. I am not a traditional beauty, think huge nose and funny looks, but my dh tells me I am beautiful ad as not made me doubt it

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 14:43:27

But surely if I was attractive, then I would have been around people who told me that? Surely when I was at my slimmest and prettiest I wouldn't have had a gang of blokes laughing at me? Surely?

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 14:48:33

Can I just ask who told you they were laughing at you?

Anyone except your DP - who has a vested interest in making sure you don't think any of the others could ever be interested in you?

EBearhug Sat 21-Sep-13 14:57:24

But surely if I was attractive, then I would have been around people who told me that?

In my experience, if people do tell you you're attractive, you discount it, because you think they have either missed what everyone else sees, or they're after something, or they're just lying to cheer you up. So you don't remember it, even though it may actually have been that they were telling the truth. (It was my mother who told me no one would ever want me. Turns out to be true... except that I am very good at pushing people away and thinking all the above, rather than just trusting and believing that they're actually just complimenting me because that's just what people do sometimes.)

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 14:57:58

Just my husband. Before we were married. It definitely happened he wouldn't have lied.

He's a bit naive and stupid in that respect but he's not cruel to make something like that up.

He's just not very versed in the ways of love.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 15:00:04

No no filee you were very very unlucky sweetie. I hope tat it is a new chapter on Monday, please please go to your GP for counselling. As a teen I had low self wrth and suicidal tendencies. I did go for counselling which helped so much. Cutting your toxic family out is a step forward, ad letting go of the past. The more self esteem you have and the more confidence, you will not be around people who make you feel shit. Those awful people in your past saw how down you were, and how lw you were and fed off it like leeches. By going to counselling I saw felt more confident, my self wrth went up and positive things started to happen. Which I hope it des to you. Your dh sounds like a good man but tactless, you need te confidence to deal with him, as a result I think it will reduce, once he sees tat he just cannot say such nasty things!

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 15:03:13

See there's lying and there's remembering something the way you want to remember it Filee. I wouldn't take everything he is telling you as 100 per cent they way things actually were.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 15:05:04

I tried going for counselling, the receptionist gave me the wrong time and then got angry with me when I produced the letter they had given me. They were still trying to say it was my fault with the bloody proof in front of them. It made me really anxious and I have so so much to do right now.

It wasn't meant to be.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sat 21-Sep-13 15:08:46

Oh filee you are breaking my heart with this thread! Firstly, beauty exists in the eye of the beholder and there is someone out there for everyone who will think them the most beautiful creature on the planet - and yes, I mean the people who aren't "traditionally beautiful" too.

Secondly, you should not feel grateful to your husband for "loving" you in spite of your looks. He should be enchanted by you; should be kind to you. He should NOT laugh at you or tell you you're ugly. Never, ever, ever.

Thirdly, there is so much more to being attractive than having a symmetrical and well-proportioned face. Yes someone can be very superficially pretty, but if they're ugly on the inside, that makes them instantly less desirable. Likewise, someone who has a bulbous nose, little eyes, wonky teeth and a double chin (which is what I see in my mirror!) but is kind and good to be around is infinitely more attractive. Please don't dismiss your appeal because of concerns about what you look like.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 15:49:21

Filee start by going to counselling at university, and look for local counselling organisations. MIND is a big mental health organisation.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 15:50:11

I totally agree smite, you bring up some very good points

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 18:41:52

I suppose the question is whether I can be happy with my partner and right now I just don't know. He makes me feel like not bothering in a way which is a shame but easy.

pigletmania Sat 21-Sep-13 19:23:53

Oh filee, he is not exactly reassuring by saying those things. Why don't you sit own and talk to him about those things

fluffyraggies Sat 21-Sep-13 19:50:04

(hugs) for Monday fillee. And congrats for the start of a new chapter smile

I would bet that just about everyone has, at some point in their life, had something horrid said or done to them, at least once. Maybe it bought them down. Maybe they got very angry. Maybe they stayed away from that person from then on. But the difference between them and you, OP, is that they have been able to shrug it off eventually because they had other folk to help them do that.

It sounds like you have been beaten down and squashed for years without any support to help you float back up sad No one should be telling anyone they're ugly FFS angry

Rather than finding ways to justify their comments, you have to find a way to rise up now, and say that is an unacceptable way to behave towards another human being and that you deserve better.

Beauty isn't everything anyway OP. It's cheesy, but it's true. Beauty comes in lots of forms. I think you sound like a wonderful and caring, compassionate and thoughtful person. I think you'd make a lovely friend. There's beauty in that. If i was a man those feelings may become romantic, and i'd be saying you're beautiful. And i'd be right. Because there's no blue-print for what's beautiful.

As for your DH ... i wouldn't be right to say LTB here. We don't know him. It sounds as if the comments which hurt you was a while ago? Sorry if i'm wrong. But don't be accepting of any more of that sort of shite if it comes up again. Flush the gratitude down the pan as well. You've bourne him children. HE should be grateful for that! Chin up now!

At this point, with allot on your plate i would say concentrate on your new start, and try somewhere different for counceling if you can. Don't start under a cloud.

filee777 Sat 21-Sep-13 20:34:20

Thank you smile

I think that's exactly what I am going to do, just see what happens at college and focus on my studies.

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