to be getting irritated with new man because he is too nice?

(53 Posts)
Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 08:38:39

I have been seeing someone new for about a month, but he is just too nice, like ridiculously nice. And its irritating me. I sound like a complete bitch I know but I like to have to work for it a little iykwim....I am all for him being a gentleman, but I prefer a little harder work than this! How do I get him to stop??? He is going to put me right off him which is a shame because he is so lovely, attractive, intelligent.....just a bit of a walkover me thinks

forehead Tue 17-Sep-13 08:49:04

' ...he is lovely,attractive intelligent...'
I will find someone who will have him

ElleMcFearsome Tue 17-Sep-13 08:56:12

I felt like this until I met DH who is the Nicest Man on the Planet (TM). It took a bit of getting used to but it's LOVELY now. I'll take someone nice, who isn't a stroppy, shouty arse over someone who makes me "work for it". Sorry OP, YABU I think.

MissMuesli Tue 17-Sep-13 09:00:02

YABU, don't try and change who he is. The qualities you describe are ideal, if you don't want him leave him for someone who does!

HatieKokpins Tue 17-Sep-13 09:01:14

There's a million other women who'd take him off your hands if you seriously can't deal with it.

Or, you could just, you know, go with the flow and ENJOY the nice change. You never know, you might like it.

blobfish Tue 17-Sep-13 09:04:56

The men who make you "work for it" always turn out to be unpleasant and unsatisfactory. It's you who needs to change - work on your self respect and self esteem and raise your expectations. Or let him find someone who appreciates him.

Preciousbane Tue 17-Sep-13 09:06:05

I don't believe women want bastards but I do sort of get what your saying. Is he nice to the point of always self sacrificing? Almost subservient? I don't think that is an attractive trait in anyone regardless of gender.

Is he the type of person to always say when asked a question
"whatever you want" and will change his opinion to please? because that is actually dull and too compliant and would also irritate me.

FreudiansSlipper Tue 17-Sep-13 09:06:28

i think you need to look at yourself more

what is wrong with being nice?

livinginwonderland Tue 17-Sep-13 09:09:13

I think I get you. I don't like people who are "too nice". Not just in relationships, but people in general. I once dated someone who agreed with me all the time (even though he didn't) because he didn't want to upset me. And it was frustrating. I like dating someone with their own opinions and someone who isn't worried about disagreeing with me sometimes.

DP and I are VERY different. Our only similiarities are our sense of humour and our love of food. Otherwise, we're total opposites. But, it works. He treats me amazingly but we can talk and have discussions about things and have different opinions. I think it's important to be with someone who is nice but who isn't afraid to have their own opinions or whatever.

DH is a very nice man. It took some getting used togrin but actually that is what makes a good long term partner rather than an exciting twat.

I had very low expectations when we started dating and I was amazed every time he did something lovely. I still appreciate him.

Unless of course you mean that he is a mug/doormat who allows people to walk all over him left right and centre, which is a different thing altogether.

Pagwatch Tue 17-Sep-13 09:11:00

Or perhaps have a think about why a lovely, intelligent man being nice is off putting.

My sister was like this. Wanted men she had to work to win, like they were a prize that would prove she was good enough. She dressed it up as 'i like bad boys' . They were all wankers of course and she would end up wondering why. It was all grimly obvious.

WiddleAndPuke Tue 17-Sep-13 09:14:48

I sort of get you.

When I first met DH he was SO nice. Too nice. All gentlemanly and sending flowers after the first date and all that. My friends were all "Oh god you lucky thing he's so NICE!" And I was a bit "Hmm. Yeah. A bit...dull though".

Then we had our first argument (totally my fault) and he was pissed off with me and I thought "Hmm...maybe you've got a bit about you after all..."

Now 14 years later he's still nice but he's certainly not a pushover. I'd take nice over arsehole any day!

Mumsyblouse Tue 17-Sep-13 09:18:12

I have to say having married a very interesting but challenging man, I now rank nice as one of the most important qualities for long-term happiness. That's not to say doormat- if he's always not making decisions, letting you be mean, letting you have your own way, this is not attractive. But kind, caring, considerate, not looking for a fight in life, much better in the long run. Trying to have a career, look after kids and juggle modern life with a man who is 'hard work' (they don't change) is exactly that: hard work.

LaRegina Tue 17-Sep-13 09:22:11

In the nicest possible way OP, I think you need to grow up smile. How old are you? I'm thinking if you're 25 or under that's a way of thinking you grow out of in time (hopefully)...

Seriously - in the long term you could be really happy with a man like that. Think yourself v luck you've got one smile

Gingerandcocoa Tue 17-Sep-13 09:23:16

Sounds like my ex boyfriend, who I didn't really like but took me a while to realise.

I'm now with my husband who is really nice to but who I love so much!

Maybe you're just not into him?

Crowler Tue 17-Sep-13 09:24:10

I would give this an opportunity to develop into a slow burn, OP! Do not go looking for the not-so-nice guys.

melika Tue 17-Sep-13 09:25:33

omg, give him here!

ShabbyButNotChic Tue 17-Sep-13 09:36:07

Dp used to be 'nice' turns out he was trying to impress me! It wore off after about a month smile dont get me wrong he is amazing and treats me well etc, but he doesnt always agree with me damn him and will happily tell me when im being a dickhead. I dont think we would still be together if he was as 'nice' as when we first met!

One of my friends is with someone who is known as a bit of a wet lettuce, he never has an opinion, lets her make every decision, etc. we cant stand him.....

Lottapianos Tue 17-Sep-13 09:43:15

What are you worth OP? Do you think you deserve to be treated well, with respect, with consideration? I think you need to have a serious think about why you would want to be with someone who is 'harder work than this'. I mean that kindly - why would you want your relationship to be hard work?

I knew that my DP was a good person when I realised that there was no hard work involved at the beginning of our relationship - if he said he would call, he did. If we were supposed to go out on Saturday, we went out on Saturday. There was no game playing, he was kind and thoughtful and honest. I think there is a cultural belief going around that a 'real man' is a bit useless, thoughtless, crass, unemotional, needs managing and can't really be expected to treat other people decently. It's utter rubbish. Please don't start kidding yourself that there is something unmanly about being kind and considerate. He sounds lovely, but of course it's your relationship and you have to be happy in it.

LaRegina Tue 17-Sep-13 10:11:30

Absolutely agree with Lotta smile

quoteunquote Tue 17-Sep-13 10:25:58

Oh marry him, about 21 years ago ,I met the nicest gentleman on the planet, it has been a blast,

He is truly wonderful and has made life a joy.

I love him more each day,

His influence is a great gift to all our children,

Sit yourself down and have a word with yourself about why you don't deserve this,

after trying a good selection of the men who wished they could be great(but failed at the basics), it did take a bit of adjustment, (I was on guard for ages), now I just enjoy being adored by a wonderful person.

Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 10:28:11

I know IABU, I am actually 30 years old, its not that I don't want someone 'nice' its the 'too nice'

Argh

Lioninthesun Tue 17-Sep-13 10:28:50

Going to buck the trend here a bit.. Do you mean he seems desperate? I think I understand what you mean if he is crawling along at your feet and you feel like your pedestal isn't worthy. I think my friend nailed it when she said men are like taxi's; when their light comes on they are ready to settle down. It really is seemingly quite sudden for some men, and some of the qualities you describe remind me of my ex (who went on to propose to someone 3 weeks after our split, got married 4 months after that and now thinks he has made a massive mistake, apparently). He was really almost smarmy though, really unattractive.

poachedeggs Tue 17-Sep-13 10:32:21

"exciting twat" grin

I get you OP. I had to end a long relationship once because he would do anything for me. To the point of subservience. When I got cross with his subservience he tried to stand up for himself more and then I just resented that he wouldn't put himself out for me like he used to.

I was the bad guy, not him, but I can be forceful and I need someone who's prepared to be assertive. Walkovers are unattractive.

Incidentally I sometimes look back wistfully at my ex. It would never have worked but he was a properly lovely guy. Not that DH isn't obviously, but I think if ex and I met now for the first time I might be more accepting of him.

Lioninthesun Tue 17-Sep-13 10:32:49

The fact you say he is intelligent hopefully means he isn't a 'wet lettuce' - as he will have opinions and be able to voice them, but maybe at a later date when he feels he has woo'd you wink My wet lettuce ex actually asked if I had really read all of my books shock this was quickly followed by a 'pop quiz' where he read the names from the spines and asked me for a synopsis. Turns out he had only read 3 books since school (he is 40 this year). I ran for the hills.

KellyElly Tue 17-Sep-13 10:33:54

I used to think like this and then I ended up having a child with someone who turned out to be an absolute piece of shit. I'll take him off your hands.

I totally get what you mean, DH and I were 18 and 16 when we first got together and I shamefully ended up dumping him because he just wouldn't argue with me! Ever! There were times when I was so cross with him and I needed to have it out but he always just apologised and, get this, learned from it! Unforgivable when your 16 and tempestuous grin

For years afterwards we bumped into each other constantly and we eventually got together properly in our twenties, I grew into him smile

digerd Tue 17-Sep-13 11:02:23

That type is a keeper. Perhaps you are too young to appreciate that.
But you've known him only 1 month so cannot really know him yet and he is his on best behaviour atm trying to woo you.
I feel sorry or him and think he deserves somebody who does love him madly, as you obviously don't. sad

My abusive ex led me onto the relationship board and into reading a lot about different types of abuser.

I think if I met an overly nice man now, I would keep him at arms length and see it as a possible red flag.

It depends in what way he is overly nice and if he is like that with everyone, there should be a difference in the way you are with a partner.

As long as he has shown he has a defining personality and his own mind/wants.

It's early days and as for him deserving someone who loves him, it is too early to declare that anyway.

It depends on how well you know him and his background.

My ex is being charm personified to a woman he is chasing at the moment, he isn't showing any where near what the real him is, yet. People around her are considering warning her, but its tough.

I do know what you mean about been too nice. I was seeing someone who was too nice, so nice he became creepy grin

But that's not what I get from this. If you don't want him I will send you my address so you can mail him to me

neolara Tue 17-Sep-13 11:26:41

If he's irritating you after a month, you need to find someone else and let him find someone who loves him for who he is.

HairyGrotter Tue 17-Sep-13 11:31:22

DP is nice, he's too nice to other folk, as in, gets mugged off a bit too much, but he's starting to realise this.

Prior to DP, I went out with some right fuckers, I can't appreciate DP enough, he's lovely, bloody lovely. Try it out, I'm a bit of a narky bint, but DP calms me lovely!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:44:09

I have known him years I should have added, he is my little sisters best mate. He was taken for a mug by his complete bitch of an ex and I am scared I will become a bitch unless he gets a backbone.....

I need to go with the flow as a previous poster suggested.....

CuChullain Tue 17-Sep-13 11:48:52

<wanders onto thread, reads OP, walks off while muttering that some women are clearly mad a box of frogs>

ZZZenagain Tue 17-Sep-13 11:50:33

maybe he is not for you

How do you get him to stop being nice? I hope you don't really.

Xmasbaby11 Tue 17-Sep-13 11:54:55

I don't know what you mean by 'too nice'. I think the issue is, there is no spark. Give it a bit longer and if he still doesn't do anything for you, move on.

DropYourSword Tue 17-Sep-13 11:55:36

I think the problem is that sometimes "nice" men are just opinionless / spineless / not genuine. I really hate that whole "I don't get why I'm single, I'm so nice" from men who are sometimes just a bit desperate and needy. I think it's far more important to be kind than "nice".

aPseudonymToFoolHim Tue 17-Sep-13 11:58:39

I am scared I will become a bitch unless he gets a backbone.....

Have my very first biscuit

YoniBottsBumgina Tue 17-Sep-13 11:59:55

DropYourSword - brilliant! Kind over nice. I've never thought of it that way but that distinction is so true.

Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 12:09:30

there is a definite spark, i just don't want someone so agreeable, I need to be challenged

wonderingsoul Tue 17-Sep-13 12:17:05

i so get this, i think ybu but not for horriable reasons.

my ex after exh was way to nice, was a real gentleman, he did the little stuff, never once raised his voice to me, never played games, was allready commited to help me with stuff before i even asked him (think house move, picking me up from hospital and staying with me after a op with included genral)

it unerved me, and felt he was to nice, id say so much to my friends and they would tell me to shut up and deal with it, becasue he was the perfect man for me, offer thasn working to much.

i think you need to look into your self, are you used to being treated badly? so his niceness makes you nervous? it did me, i was allways waiting for him to turn. i also felt like i didnt know where i stood, like if i pissed him off i was never sure if he would tell me.

Lottapianos Tue 17-Sep-13 12:17:15

I guess you need to ditch him and find someone less agreeable then OP. You can't expect this bloke to change for you. I'm serious though - you need to think very long and hard about why you want to be 'challenged' in a relationship. Good luck because I think you may need it thanks

Dahlen Tue 17-Sep-13 12:20:33

I think you need to define nice a bit more. If you actually mean weak, that's a good enough reason to end it because it can lead to a complete loss of respect, without which love cannot survive.

However, you can be weak and not nice. There isn't a link. Some of the nicest people I know have backbones of steel.

If you actually mean he's just a genuine guy and you find that boring, I honestly feel you may need to look very long and deep into your past relationships and possibly your childhood to learn why you associate excitement with being treated badly.

LadyBigtoes Tue 17-Sep-13 12:33:14

Yes this completely depends on what you mean. If you feel uncomfortable being treated with respect, and have an attraction to actually unpleasant men, then you should probably give Mr Nice more of a chance.

OTOH I need a man with an opinion and a backbone - I did once dump a lovely, lovely boyfriend because although he was genuinely kind, thoughtful and intelligent, he would not disagree with me. He bowed to everything I thought or said, he would ask me what to do with his life then do what I suggested. I didn't want that responsibility and it felt like being with a child.

Also as has been said, abusive types can have an almost eerily smooth, generous, charming exterior at first which it's good to learn to recognise, so if we're talking about this, then you may also have reason to be suspicious.

TalkativeJim Tue 17-Sep-13 12:37:08

More fool you OP.

Charliefarlie1192 Tue 17-Sep-13 13:00:20

I know more fool me.....

I have been in abusive, violent and otherwise, relationships forever really

Lottapianos Tue 17-Sep-13 13:03:34

OP - I cannot recommend counselling/psychotherapy enough. I have a history of emotional abuse within my family and within relationships and it's so difficult to find your way out of unhealthy thought patterns by yourself. I would strongly advise you to spend time working this through with a trained professional. And keep posting - lots of us are in the same boat.

Wellwobbly Tue 17-Sep-13 13:04:18

Follow your gut, it is telling you something.

You are basically picking up with your irritation that this man completely denies anger as an emotion, which means that he is not in touch with himself as a whole person, and won't be able to do give and take.

His contract which he probably isn't even aware of is: if I give and give and give, then you will love me and make me happy. It comes from way back in his past.

It means he negotiates by manipulativing, and 'hoping' you will give him what he needs instead of upfront owning it and asking.

The downside of that? SULKING and WITHDRAWING.

'Too nice' means: huge passive aggressive issues, he offloads the anger on to you. That is why you are getting irritated.

HatieKokpins Tue 17-Sep-13 13:14:21

How the hell do you know all that about him from the phrase "too nice"? Jesus.

SignoraStronza Tue 17-Sep-13 13:17:22

I used to think this about my dh. Until we got together (12 years down the line) and I realised that he is what I'd call 'quietly stubborn' and is by no means a pushover.

Although I could kick myself for not jumping on him going out with him when we were younger, I realise Id have probably not been very nice to him and taken his genuinely lovely nature for granted. I.e, would have chucked it away.

As it was, I spent seven years with a hard work, controlling, abusive arsehole and lived with the drama.

Dahlen Tue 17-Sep-13 13:23:11

There was some research done once that suggested one of the reasons some abuse survivors develop a pattern of seeking out abusive partners is because of brain chemistry. Apparently, the part of the brain that produces the fear response is also involved in excitement (makes sense), and in people who have been abused, the crossover becomes confused. Because people who have been abused long term (often starting in childhood) crave what is familiar, they chase people who evoke that fear response but because it is an adult male, it is mistaken for sexual attraction and excitement.

Obviously, it's a lot more complicated than that, and in no way could you say it applies to all women who have been abused, but if any of that resonates even a little bit with you, it is worth seeking out some expert counselling. The good news is that it's not impossible to overturn deep-rooted patterns like this, although it does take considerable effort. Well worth it if the result is a happier, less chaotic life though.

After 16 years of marriage - I can say that it's wonderful to be with a man who is kind, gentle, honest and trustworthy. He has a brilliant sense of humour, is generous and loving. He is also the smartest person I know and I respect him utterly as he is no pushover. We have different opinions on many things but that's healthy. When I had cancer he looked after me with love and care - I couldn't have asked for better. Him having these qualities does not make me a bitch - what a weird idea. In fact, we both try hard to treat each other with respect, love and honesty at all times - because we think that is what we deserve.

If you want a long term relationship with this man, ask yourself if you can imagine looking after him as he goes through a serious illness or if you can imagine him doing that for you. Do you think of him as your best friend?

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