DP said he was unsure of his feelings for someone else(103 Posts)
We've been together about a year. Yesterday he said he had to tell me something - a girl was moving back into town who he had a fling with last year before he and I met. This had unnerved him and he phoned her so they could chat and he could see how he felt as he "wasn't sure if he had feelings for her", and he wanted to know how she felt.
The upshot is that they have agreed not to be in contact, but he told me in case we bumped into her at some point.
I'm mid-thirties, I'm not naive, I know in relationships you can still be attracted to other people - but this feels different and I am pretty shaken. He says "I didn't know where I stood with her and I had to talk to her" - if we have been together a year how can he not know where he stands with someone else?
He can't seem to understand why I feel threatened by this and just says I shouldn't. AIBU not to accept that he has checked out his feelings and says I have nothing to worry about?
Tbh, it sounds like he'd be off like a shot if this girl gave any indication that she was still into him. Did they meet up? What was the decision not to be in contact with each other based on, if he truly doesn't get why you feel threatened by this?
You are just as entitled to his feelings- so in your shoes I'd be telling him that it didn't matter what he thought I should think, I wouldn't be willing to hang around for a man who checks out his other options when they come back on the scene. And I'd be damn sure about my feelings.
I'm sorry to say but it seems like if she had felt there could have been something between them when he called, you'd already be out of the picture. Bit of a fucked up situation IMO. I would get out of there very quickly.
entitled to your feelings, that should say.
In your shoes I would feel exactly the same.
Surely if he felt unsure of his feelings towards her, he should have told you that, not spoken to his ex about it first!
By speaking to her first it appears like he would restart the old relationship if she had been willing. That would make me feel second best, even if that was not his intention.
Agree, he would have gone if she would have had him. And he shouldn't have told you this unless he wanted to mess with your head. Dump him.
It sounds like he was checking to see if she had feelings for him - which would worry me, as I would be wondering what would have happened if she had? I don't understand why he would need to know how she felt if he wasn't hoping for some kind of relationship with her. This would have me seriously questioning his commitment to me tbh...
I would speak to him about it again - do you feel like you can ask him exactly what he needed to ask her about? If he says he wanted to know where he stood with her, then ask him what he would have done if she had said something along the lines of "I still care for you and have never stopped thinking about you".
If he has to think about it for even a second, then sadly, you know what you need to do. I am sure you deserve better than to be second best in this relationship to his last fling before you met.
The upshot is that they have agreed not to be in contact, but he told me in case we bumped into her at some point
I think there is more to this than he is admitting. There is a chance that he tried it on with her and she said she would tell his girlfriend if he didn't stop.
So he is getting in there first with this story about them agreeing not to have any contact.
Firstly I think he was nasty to tell you about it - what did he hope to achieve accept to make you feel uncertain and unhappy?
Secondly it sounds as if he wanted to find out whether this other girl was still interested and if she was he would have gone off with her, otherwise why get in touch with her at all - there was no need.
So she doesn't want him - that makes you second choice, - you deserve to be someones first and only choice of partner. You deserve someone better than a knobhead who makes you feel like crap and then says you shouldn't feel that way when he has treated you badly.
Sorry - I know it feels shit, I have been there, and it took me a long time to stop begging for crumbs and realise I deserved better.
It does sound as though he was hoping she'd still be interested and she turned him down.
hmmm - that all makes complete sense what you are all saying, and thanks for your responses. He is, I think, backtracking from saying "I wasn't sure if I had feelings for her" (though he definitely said that) to "I wanted to clear the air before we bumped into her".
He is now saying that "when we went our separate ways, we were more than friends"
That doesn't even fucking make sense. If you have gone your separate fucking ways then you are no longer more than friends. Surely? Am I crazy?
He "wasn't sure of his feelings"-wtaf does that even mean??
And it "unnerved him" that she is moving back?
Bloody hell-was it more than a fling or has he been holding a torch all this time?
I'd leave the pathetic arse!
You say DP but that you've been together only a year. Do you live with him? To me at least there's a difference in how much to bother about this based on that alone.
He sounds awful...checking on whether the other option was available, then has the brass fucking balls to 'let you know'. I'd be long gone!
Why does he care where he stands with her when he is with you?
I would be getting rid I think.
More than just friends means they were sleeping together.
He shouldn't be unsure of his feelings after being with you for a year.
Even if he wasn't sure when he met you, he should be by now, irrespective of anybody else, whoever they are.
Sorry OP, but I also thought that he'd be off like a shot if she showed him she was interested, this was from your OP not others comments.
It is awful he has made you feel like this, he should be doing everything to reassure you, but he isn't.
I too would leave the pathetic arse.
Think about it for just one second and it's a no brainer. If you're happy with the person you're with, you wouldn't even give the reappearance of an ex headspace. It wouldn't 'unnerve' you. You'd not give it a second thought.
This guy is on the fence. He likes you, he likes having a relationship...but he's got one eye roving for something better. You're Miss Will Do For Now.
So why did he tell you? Two possibilities: he's a player of mind games and quite fancies seeing you tie yourself up in knots to make him love you best, or (more likely I think) he propositioned her, she turned him down, and he's a bit rattled and setting the scene in case you bump into one another and he needs to explain any odd comment.
'He needed to know where he stood with her.' You've got to laugh. He should know where he stands - in another committed relationship. Only, it sounds as if he doesn't know that. So I'd make the decision for him
It would really change my feeling toward DP.
What would have happen if he did have feeling, would he have ended the relationship.
For me personally I will never be 2nd best in a relationship.
I could never accept being second best and I don't think you should either. I agree with other posters who have said it sounds as if he would have left you if she had said yes.
Wow, I just read it like he felt he had unfinished business with her and wanted to meet or chat to her to clear the air, in case he bumped into her when he was with you.
Presumably, as you have been together a year, you must have some confidence in the relationship and in him... If you don't, that's another matter, but I don't think this contact warrants LTB...
I'd be more concerned if he hadn't told you..
'He wasn't sure of his feelings' means exactly what it says - he wasn't sure whether she'd be a better bet, so he did a bit of sniffing around to find out. Simple as.
Again - dump!!
I would end it with him. I can honestly say nothing dents your self esteem more than feeling second best with the person you love. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve better than that.
If he felt sure about his feelings for you he wouldn't have felt the need to contact her. He was/is effectively hedging his bets and that to me is a deal breaker. You are either in or you're out.
Och, get rid
He's openly hedging his bets
If she said mebbe he'd be off like a rat up a drainpipe
Or, he's pestered her a bit and she told him to get stuffed and he is wanting you as fallback
He is saying it ended on "more than friends" - if anyone else can explain that in anyway other than: "it didn't end" then please for the love of god enlighten me. As all I can see is that it ended because he was in one city, she another and now she is moving here and he has to 'check how he feels'
As I am saying this to him his answer is "everyone has history"
I'd be more concerned if he hadn't told you..
Which makes one wonder why he did. I think he is worried about what she is might tell you. I think he is hiding something. How long were they broken up before you met him, could he have still been sleeping with her at the beginning of your relationship?
In any case, I agree that you should let him go.
Well I would say they were a couple and she broke it off,he still carries a torch. You need to be a bit 'wha'evva' and dump him.
Obvs we can say this, up to yeow if you do or do not.
I'd honestly get rid, for your own sanity!
Who the fuck does he think he is? Yes, we all have a history, but that's what it is, in most cases, history! His isn't history, it's present, and he was hedging his bets on landing something he wanted.
Do your sense of self worth a favour, and leave the prick to sniff about.
As I am saying this to him his answer is "everyone has history"
it doesn't sound like this is 'history' though, as others have said - if she was available and willing, it sounds like he'd be off like a shot.
More than friend is possibility friends with benefits
Its not history though is it? - history is over and done with - you don't go revisiting the past hoping to rekindle it.
he is racking up quite a collection of shit behaviour isn't he?, - I'd find most annoying the fact that he is trying to say you are being unreasonable to be upset by this. Typical bastard behaviour IME.
Fairenuff - yep they were sleeping together. Which is fine - of course that's fine, this was before me we've all got exes. But he came up with a LOT of euphemisms (e.g. "she was there for him") before he finally admitted that.
Beachyhead - thanks for your comment, this backs up what he is saying. But why should he feel like he has unfinished business - surely being with someone else for a year pretty effectively finishes any other business?
I asked why he needed to check out his feelings and why his mind wasn't at rest, he said "because it wasn't, I don't know a reason;. maybe cause it ended with us not being only friends"
He said "everyone has history" - I said, "but this isn't history this is present" his answer: "I cant understand what is it you are trying to say is wrong between us, because I talked to someone I knew before we even met "
He is not wilfully trying to upset me or play games. I do know him that well and I do trust him that much. I swear to god, he genuinely doesn't understand where I am coming from.
And sorry - nope we don't live together, though we have been discussing it.
I think you should consign this Fickle Fucker to history.
You don't need this kind of headfuck.
And I am sorry for venting at you lot - but isn't "it ended with us not being only friends" A FUCKING OXYMORON??
If my partner did this then i would be seriously thinking "well,hes not sure of what WE have then" last thing i wana do is upset you but he obviously isnt settled.You deserve to be loved the way you love.
Is he stupid its not talking to someone you knew before you met,hes lying to himself,he obviously thought there was unfinished business shall we say.
No, not an oxymoron, it means more than friends but not in a relationship, ie friends with benefits
Agree with anyone else, dump him and be relieved that you found out that he isn't that serious about you now before you moved in with him.
I wouldn't discuss it with him any more, or indeed anything else. Whatever reasons their relationship ended, he still wanted and indeed wants it to continue. He rang her, tried to get back together and is trying to stay with you even though he thinks of you as second best.
You deserve so much more than that.
It is not just because he talked to someone he knew before you met, it is because he wasn't sure if he had feelings for her, and he wanted to know how she felt. If he didn't still have feelings for her himself, stronger than the ones he has for you, he would not need to know how she felt.
It might be best to go your separate ways. Then you will give yourself a chance to meet someone who wants you above anyone else. Nothing is certain in life, but he has sown the seeds of doubt in your mind.
What dya think youll do next OP?
I think his story just doesn't add up.
How did he know she was back? What are the chances they've been in touch all along? Is it possible he told you as the first elements of a cover story? How long until he's telling you he bumped into her, had coffee, had a drink, had dinner etc?
I'd say he's not over her. Will he be trying to win her back? Is she in a new relationship, and if so is her OH coming with her, or might your DP be seeing an opportunity to weaken a LTR?
As you don't live together and he's already showing signs of being fickle and making you feel insecure the simple solution is to treat him as you would a teen dalliance. He's only a boyfriend, not a partner and not partner material. If I were you I'd dump him.
No, I think it's quite clear - he means that it ended because of circumstances - ie long distance - rather than they chose to end it because they were sick of each other. So, at the end of the relationship they were still 'into' each other and there were regrets. They were therefore (in his eyes only???) still 'more than friends'.
Which basically translates as he's still interested in her. And he realises now that that's effectively what he said, and he's backtracking faster than a fast backtracky thing!!
But why should he feel like he has unfinished business - surely being with someone else for a year pretty effectively finishes any other business?
Yes, it does if you're genuinely committed to that person.
If you're a slightly fickle shit with one eye on the door and a 'never say never' attitude to cheating, no, it doesn't.
He's not over her.
Tell him you are 'not sure how you feel about him' anymore.
It sounds like he's holding a candle for her.
OR he's torturing you.
And either way, agree its a "headfuck". Grrr...
At first I thought no need to worry as they have decided not to see each other. If you don't trust his explanation then quiz him again as what he meant by 'unsure of his feelings'. But unsure of his feelings is probably unsure of whether or not he still has feelings for her. Hmm red flag here I'm afraid. Hope you sort things out.
Another one here saying 'dump him' - you deserve better than someone who sounds as if he's hedging his bets.
If she'd have said yes he'd have been off like a shot.
He is trying to emotionally head fuck you over this. He's not some bewildered innocent little lamb who just doesn't know what direction his cock wants to go in...he knows exactly what he's doing.
If you can live with that as the foundation of your relationship then go right ahead.
The only reason for him telling you this, that I can see, is because in his mind he has prepared you for the possibility that he might go back to her...and therefore he rationalises that he's not a total dick because he gave you some warning.
He is a dick though, cos he thought he could say it, tick the "not a dick" box and then carry on as usual with no consequences or repercussions i.e. have his cake and eat it.
Sorry, this is harsh, but it comes across that he's been with you while his Ex was elsewhere. Now she's back on the scene he wants to test out his chances with her. I don't think he's committed to you, and he's probably being vague so he can keep you on the back burner while he tries to fix up with her again.
Everyone has history, but it's only history if it's over. This isn't over for him, and it looks like he's doing his best to make this woman his future.
kumamon it sounds a bit fishy if you ask me. I've never had a 'fling' and then felt the need to re-connect with the individual after it was over. I think you can only have a strong response - ie. feel unnerved - if there is some kind of residual emotion there, whether that be love/anger/hate.
I think you need to really talk about this with him but it doesn't sound good. Especially since you've been together a year - why on earth would he re-contact this person? Surely he'd just make an effort to avoid her.
He's basically not over her.
It sounds like he was practically preparing you for a dumping, until he realized that she didn't want in, which is why he's now backtracking...
Either way, I bet it's not long before this has rotted the core of the relationship anyway, whether or not anything happens between them. I'd run a mile.
Another suggestion, he tells you he has feelings for this woman, you get upset, your behaviour alters (and it will because you don't know where you stand any more) he can ditch you and justify his shittiness by telling himself and others that you changed and became difficult etc etc.
Bastards will do whatever it takes to put you in the wrong.
Does he have a baby with her?
He's not over her.
Possibly he wanted to maintain a long distance relationship and either she didn't want that or she tried but it didn't work out for her and she ended it after she moved.
That might explain the "more than friends" after she had moved comment.
He spoke to her because he wanted to check how she felt about him now she was back.
This is going to torment you until you can't stand it any longer. And he's gong to tell you that you are paranoid, that you are creating a problem, that it's all in your head, that he's done nothing wrong. If she shows any interest in him then he will tell you that he's allowed to have friends and that you are jealous and shouldn't stop him, that he loves you but he needs her, that she's fragile or lonely and he's only being a mate. And you are going to feel like you are going slowly crazy.
Ask him why, if he is genuinely committed to you, he needs to check his feelings for someone else? Ask him why he doesn't already know the answer - that he likes YOU and so her and her situation are irrelevant.
Unfortunately, I think there's only one possible reason for that and you know what it is...
Also, if he's not over her and was a decent bloke this would not be an issue 1 whole year later. He'd have ended your relationship or gotten over it, not carried on with it because it was there (or whatever crap reason).
How did he know she was moving back to town?
He's right in that you have nothing to worry about with this other woman.
But this is only because she patently doesn't want him back. Sorry.
Where's your self-respect, girl?! You need to get
He doesn't understand what you're on about? Explain in words of few syllables. You will not put up with him approaching other women (regardless of when he "knew" them) to see if there's any chance they're still interested in him. There's only one possible reason for him to be doing that (and bollocks to "we might have run into her") and it makes it very clear where you are in his priorities. So he can f* right off.
He is entertaining the idea of his life before, who knows what the reality of that would be, they split for a reason, did she dump him?
but, for me the bottom line is I want/deserve to be adored by the person I adore, everyone does, everyone should be adored (loved and respected),
if your husband no longer wants the job of adoring you, he needs to be honest with himself and go and do whatever,
and allow someone else the wonderful opportunity of adoring you,
I would find it very difficult to adore someone who had told me that they had intentions else where.
Sorry you have been hurt, it is vile, be kind to yourself, and do what ever is best for you personally.
Oh OP believe me he knows exactly where you are coming from-don't let him fool you.
He was checking to see if she was available and if so he would have been off like a shot. You are now his fall back option, second choice.
You deserve better than that. Don't be a fool.
It's my guess that you are the rebound relationship. These types of relationships rarely last because they just serve a purpose until the need is no longer there.
Time to call it a day.
Agree with most of the others.
He contacted her to see if he had a chance. She has said no so he had decided to stay with you. If she had said yes you would be dumped.
Only you can decide if that is good enough for you.
You've only been dating this man a year, you don't live with him and you are not married. Are you looking to get married and have children, or are you reasonably laid back about sexual/romantic relationships? If you want a commitment, you need to bin this man and find another one, because he is really not considering you as his future wife/mother of his DC. You are his Will Do For Now. If you felt the same way about him and were able just to shrug at the mention of another woman, it would be fine on both sides (for a couple to make big commitments is not compulsory, it can be fine for all concerned to continue a FWB situation for decades).
If he's such a good shag or a good laugh that you don't want to dump him, make sure that you give other aspects of your life as much if not more priority than any kind of relationship with him. Don't move in with him, don't even discuss moving in together and FFS don't let him impregnate you, because he doesn't sound like a keeper.
I'm sorry for you, under those circumstances I would be unnerved too.
He wants her back, she is not interested. You will do for now. Simple as
Oh, a mindfucker! Yep. Been there. There is only one thing for such an immature dick: DUMP.
I will never understand women who spend so long analysing issues in such short relationships.
It's only been 1 year you haven't invested much time, it should still be rosy and new. Just leave him if it's not!
Sounds like a prize twat who's on the lookout for a better prospect.
Angry for you OP. he went sniffing around to see if she was available. He told you incase you found out from someone else that they'd met. In his head, this makes it just an innocent meeting to catch up. I would say that the reality is that he was seeing if there was a chance they could get back together.
Tell him to absolutely get stuffed out of your life, simple as that. If a boyfriend said that to me I'd be thinking why had he contacted some random Ex when he is meant to be focussing on our relationship?
Don't give him the chance to come up with some cock n bull story, actions speak louder than words!
Reading your recent posts, kumamon, he is gas-lighting you, making out you are the one with the problem, that he cant understand what you're worrying about.
Why bother telling you the whole sorry story unless its to unnerve you and play stupid mindgames?
he sounds the the worst type of pseudo-intellectual arsewipe, tbh
who the fuck does he think he is
tell him to speak The Queen's English. And then tell him to fuck off.
He makes it sound like you've just been holding her place until she came back!
If a partner of mine needed to check "where he stood" with another woman I'd be furious.
OP, what are your thoughts, dude ?
I could not tolerate this behaviour in my partner. Sounds like he is hedging his bets, sorry
OP - HE phoned HER. They're not in contact as she knocked him back. Simple as that.
I couldn't be asked to put up with this crap particularly for a man I'd only known for 1 year.
We truly have to read signs in life when they're in front of our noses. He's just not that into you. Whilst he can still baffle you with bullshit that he feels is intellectual speak (yawn) he'll probably hang around with you just for convenience.
Do yourself a favour. Get rid of him and keep your self-respect. You won't die for lack of him. Don't miss the chance of meeting a good lifepartner by being an option instead of a priority for some undeserving fool.
You must be very patient. I'd have slammed the door so hard into his face it'd be a miracle if he still had a nose left
You know, thats exactly how my ex got started on his EA, 8 months of misery and deceit, PND and the fact he obviously didnt give a shit about me.
OW: I've always wanted to make love to you.
EX to me: Im not sure how i feel about her.
Ex to her: I love you.
Ex to me: I've found somewhere to live.
I encouraged there friendship and he left me after i took an overdose.
Run now, while you can.
Oh and she decided to stay with her husband afterall.
When DH and I had been dating for 2 years I told him I had to fly 7000 kms to see a man who I'd had 'unfinished business' with. I needed to clear the air. Basically I'd been in love with this guy and he did that chickenshit thing that chickenshit men do where they dump you without telling you.
Luckily DH had faith in me, let me go. I cleared the air with the guy (in hindsight don't know why I bothered), came home, married DH.
The lesson in all this? Sometimes needing to resolve unresolved feelings is a step toward closer commitment.
in your position I'd say "you can sort out your shit with this woman darling, but you take the risk that I may not be waiting for you when you come back."
Kiwi but why focus on your past when you have a loving partner in front of you.
Why take the risk of losing someone good for the sake of a Skelton in the closet.
At the time I didn't know it was a skeleton in the closet. I was stupid. But I needed to resolve it for myself and find out for myself that I had a loving partner in front of me that was so much better.
Sometimes these things are confusing. You can't force someone to come to you - you have to let them get there by themselves.
You don't have to wait around like a spare part, while someone "finds themselves" either
Sounds like you lucked out there, kiwi
I would have been finding someone else to play with while you pissed around flying all over the planet for the sake of some ex
It sounds like you are his Plan B.
Another 'dump him' I'm afraid. Been there, done that, wasted too much time worrying. Looking back I should've ended it sooner.
You deserve much better than 2nd best.
Don't move in with him.
Do you have DC together ?
Look, why would he need to find out where he stands with his ex if he loves his current partner and is happy with her? He just wouldn't. And the fact he even admitted that he doesn't know how he feels...
Every time he is late home, you are going to end up wondering if he is with the ex. Do you want to live that way? You deserve so much better than this tosser. If the ex would of had him, I am sorry, but I bet he would of jumped at the chance.
Dump his pathetic ass and don't look back. Onwards and upwards!
He sounds naive. It seems he wasn't over her, and to be honest, I would not want to be serious with someone unless I knew I was first choice.
After a year dating, he should know if he was crazy for you, and not have to make sure he didn't care for an ex more. What if she had said she also felt they were not finished and wanted to explore their feelings?
This would spoil the relationship for me, I could not help but feel I was a second choice. He can't help his feelings, and he isn't an evil doer or anything, but I have a feeling you were almost dumped.
Agree re. the ' finding yourself ' aspect. A friend of a friend can't move on in life as her ex doesn't want to be with her, he says he just doesn't see her as his lifepartner. She says she needs closure otherwise she can't move on. As far as he's concerned he's said his piece. I mean, wtf? Feeling you're owed closure doesn't mean ex has to give you the closure you seek. He may, he may not.
You are lucky Kiwi, I know if my man flew across the world wanting heartsearching discussions with an ex partner I would feel the respect and appreciation balance was totally out of sync in our relationship.
OP I hope you look after yourself and don't let this guy waste any more of your time
I was thinking about this thread earlier and my thought is that he has told you all this so you would be grateful that he picked you that you would be keen to show your appreciation
and he could fully control you.
Wow - thank you SO much everyone. Frankly yeah, he's just not that into me. I think I've always felt that a little. And I've been here before too, I stuck around for a crazy long time with full knowledge that my boyfriend at the time was not over his ex. I think deep down there is almost comfortable in that kind of relationship (I've read 'he's scared, she's scared)!
So - now I have to think a bit. I don't want to be second cho
...ice (bastard phone!) but I need to think some more.
watch 'He's Not Into You' because he isn't.
and if he met someone else he liked more down the line, he'd be off.
Also why would he say he was unsure of his feelings for someone else? really?
if you were to say this to him or another man for example, well you'd know there were problems etc.
and what decent man actually SAYS this and expects you to stay? he's taking for a mug.
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