To have said no to this request RE: DD's birthday party?

(202 Posts)
muminthecity Sun 15-Sep-13 12:58:22

DD is turning 8 next week. Money is very tight at the moment so we are having a party at home, on a shoestring budget. We live in a 2 bed flat so space is an issue as well. DD has invited 12 children from her class, I am expecting 8-10 to turn up.

One of the girls invited has a younger sister in the year below. DD knows her but isn't particularly friendly with her. Anyway, this girl's mother sent me a text in reply to the invitation saying "Hi, thanks for the invite, X is really excited about the party, but as the girls are too young to understand that they don't always get invited to the same parties, I can't possibly bring one without the other. Is it ok if I bring them both?"

I was a bit taken aback by this tbh, the girls are 6 and 7 so not babies and surely at that age they should be able to understand that they can't always go to the same things? Also, many of the other children invited have younger siblings who are not invited.

I replied to her saying "I'm so sorry but I just don't have the space to invite siblings." She then replied saying that her DD would not be attending as she would hate to upset her little sister. She also mentioned that both girls were "very disappointed" with a sad face at the end.

So, AIBU? Should I have just said yes and let them both come? I'm feeling guilty now that X has to miss out, but also think that it would be unfair to invite her sister but none of the other siblings. Not to mention the space/money issues!

Bumpstarter Sun 15-Sep-13 12:59:48

No. She was guilt tripping you.

RedHelenB Sun 15-Sep-13 13:00:20

YANBU.

No. Yanbu. The woman was a cheeky cow.

LIZS Sun 15-Sep-13 13:01:33

No you have done the right thing , how entitled and rude and I bet she fancied a couple of hours childfree-. The only person disappointing her dd is herself.

tripecity Sun 15-Sep-13 13:01:36

yanbu

Fivemoreminutesmummy Sun 15-Sep-13 13:01:53

YANBU. At all. It is your prerogative to invite who you want/ are able to. I think if possible, and space allowing, it's nice to invite siblings but things get ridiculous if you're expected to cater and provide party bags for all of them.
She is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

hettienne Sun 15-Sep-13 13:01:59

YANBU - how cheeky of her to try to guilt trip you!

Deadhamsterssmell Sun 15-Sep-13 13:02:05

Wow! YANBU at all.

NynaevesSister Sun 15-Sep-13 13:02:07

No not at all. This was the mothers choice you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I have developed a patter - oh dear we only have room/can afford X number but for sure if anyone pulls out I can see if it is possible (except it isn't as there are three siblings son IS friends with who get priority and whose parents never tries to force an invite).

CatAmongThePigeons Sun 15-Sep-13 13:02:13

YADNBU. How cheeky of her to ask!

HoneyDragon Sun 15-Sep-13 13:02:23

No. The cheeky cow just wants free child care for the afternoon.

And is being an absolute bitch to her dcs.

NynaevesSister Sun 15-Sep-13 13:02:33

Also, how rude!

WipsGlitter Sun 15-Sep-13 13:02:37

Cheeky cow!

Gruntfuttock Sun 15-Sep-13 13:02:39

I'm sure she was just hoping that she could drop both girls off at yours while she had some child-free time.

Patilla Sun 15-Sep-13 13:03:12

Goodness me, no YANBU.

I have friends with three and four year olds who already understand this idea.

They will never learn if they always go to the parties together. And if you let one sibling in you'll have 20 children at the party before you know it.

Do not give in to this woman! Emotional blackmail irritates the life out of me.

In fact I'd be tempted to respond along the lines of DD will be dissappointed that you wouldn't let your DD come! But this probably isn't the most tactful answer.

FirstStopCafe Sun 15-Sep-13 13:03:37

YANBU. Very cheeky of the other mum

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Sun 15-Sep-13 13:03:45

What an ill-bred woman, first for asking and secondly for her 'disappointed' bollocks.

H

fuzzpig Sun 15-Sep-13 13:04:21

Good grief. Precious much? YANBU!

My DCs have never been to the same parties, why would they confused

WafflyVersatile Sun 15-Sep-13 13:04:45

Na. It's up to her to manage her children's disappointments in life, not you.

BackforGood Sun 15-Sep-13 13:05:09

Good grief, I can't believe the rudeness of some people. Of course YANBU - she is being very rude to even ask, and sadly doing her dc no favours as, longer term, it just means they won't be asked if she does this to everyone.

Margetts Sun 15-Sep-13 13:05:14

YANBU

I have twins and 1 is often asked to a party and not the other. I enjoy having the time with just one child

cakebar Sun 15-Sep-13 13:05:35

I know two sets of parents that do this, and tbh it is a factor in whether they get invited or not. It is annoying.

You could text her back "Now is a good opportunity to teach your girls that they have separate friends and go to different classes in school, and it is not normal at this age to tag along with their siblings to parties with children they dont know. My X will be disappointed to hear Y is not coming, but this is your decision of course."

soverylucky Sun 15-Sep-13 13:06:32

YANBU
She was very cheeky and has made her children upset through her own stupidity and selfish behaviour.

WafflyVersatile Sun 15-Sep-13 13:07:19

She probably just wanted some free babysitting.

poorbuthappy Sun 15-Sep-13 13:07:27

What Quint said.

ivykaty44 Sun 15-Sep-13 13:08:19

text back

well that is a shame x can't come, you'll have to get the pair of them sorted so they can be separated otherwise x may find she misses out on a few parties.

Give it right back to her as her problem

EndoplasmicReticulum Sun 15-Sep-13 13:08:38

That's ridiculous. I have boys with 18 months between them and they have always been accepting of the fact that they don't both go to the same parties.

I reckon mum was hoping to offload them both so she could have a couple of hours child-free time.

littlewhitebag Sun 15-Sep-13 13:08:52

Cheeky mare. She has made rod for own back letting her DC think they can go to every party the other is invited to. It will backfire as people will stop inviting them.

BalloonSlayer Sun 15-Sep-13 13:09:31

Are you planning to reply?

You are not disappointing the Invited Child, the mother is. The sibling may be disappointed that they are not invited, but the mother should have been telling her children how it is since the oldest first started to go to parties.

(I would add though that I think with twins it's slightly different My youngest DC knows three sets of twins . . . only one half of each pair is likely to be in his class at school at any one time. I would never dream of only inviting one twin to the party, however, but this does mean that for three people DC wants to invite I have to invite six. [wince] )

PrincessFlirtyPants Sun 15-Sep-13 13:09:50

YANBU!

I remember when I was at primary school (many moons ago) and there was a girl in my class whose little sister always had to be invited. Do you what happened? The older sister didn't get invited to any parties as no one wanted her sister tagging along sad

The parents are being unreasonable and its the children who are going to suffer.

muminthecity Sun 15-Sep-13 13:10:06

Phew, glad IANBU. I feel sorry for the girls though, as they will not end up going to many parties, will they? Also, I don't think the younger one would enjoy it as much anyway, as none of her own friends would be there, she might have ended up feeling a bit left out.

Thanks for the replies. I don't feel so guilty now!

WafflyVersatile Sun 15-Sep-13 13:10:16

''DD will be disappointed your DD can't make it but obviously it's up to you.I completely understand if you'd rather deny your DD8 a party than explain the hard but true facts of kiddy party life to them''.

hippo123 Sun 15-Sep-13 13:11:44

The only person who should be feeling guilty is the other mum. Even my 3 year old knows and understands that she doesn't always get to go to her elder brothers friends parties. She's being ridiculous.

OddBoots Sun 15-Sep-13 13:13:36

yanbu, she was cheeky to even ask.

LIZS Sun 15-Sep-13 13:14:03

DD will be disappointed your DD can't make it but obviously it's up to you.

^This - she needs to learn some basic etiquette and impart to dd's. Does she dress them alike too ?

lljkk Sun 15-Sep-13 13:14:38

yanbu!

Ragusa Sun 15-Sep-13 13:17:06

YADNBU. cheeky passive agressive woman. Poor kids.

Iwould live to send that text reply suggested above but wouldn't have the guts grin

muminthecity Sun 15-Sep-13 13:17:37

LIZS - Now that you mention it, yes, they do often wear the same outfits!

FelineFurry Sun 15-Sep-13 13:17:43

OMG! YANBU that was so rude. I had something similar last year with my son's 8th birthday party at Laser Quest. One of the mother's turned up with the the elder brother in tow (about 10 so not a baby) saying brother had been really upset that his sibling was going to do Laser Quest and had thrown a tantrum the previous evening shock over it. She asked if she could pay to join in but I didn't need to provide him food.

I did agree but obviously I couldn't make him sit in the corner whilst all the other children were eating so then joined the queque for party bags! I had to give him my eldest's as I'd already used the spare for an invitee who'd turned up unexpectedly.

He is know as the party bag thief in our house. They are a very wealthy family too so it's not as if Laser Quest is something they couldn't afford themselves any time they wanted.

muminthecity Sun 15-Sep-13 13:18:42

I wasn't planning on replying to be honest, there is lots I would like to say but can't be arsed with any school gate drama that may follow!

BrokenSunglasses Sun 15-Sep-13 13:19:19

Cheeky cow! YANBU!

I agree with replying that your dd is disappointed her friend can't come.

PoppadomPreach Sun 15-Sep-13 13:22:01

Another YANBU! Silly cow - the way she is brining up her daughters is setting them up to be permanently disappointed with life.

CatAmongThePigeons Sun 15-Sep-13 13:23:18

My DC have a 5 year age gap, DS1 is off to a party this afternoon and DS2 is not invited to go, so he will be staying with us. As DS2 gets older, he will be invited to parties that DS1 won't, that's life and it's good learning skills.

dietcokeandwine Sun 15-Sep-13 13:25:33

Totally NBU. And how on earth is a child of six 'too young to understand' that they don't always get invited to the same parties as their older sibling? The average 3 year old tends to understand this perfectly in my experience!

Silly woman and I feel sorry for her DDs as she's doing them no favours but that's her problem not yours.

Hope your DD has a lovely party.

missuswife Sun 15-Sep-13 13:25:41

YANBU. I would reply that your daughter will be disappointed if X can't come, and of course if the mum changes her mind, X is still welcome on her own.

I can't stand emotional blackmail.

IslaValargeone Sun 15-Sep-13 13:27:48

Agree with you about not replying, those types of people don't tend to learn anything from being enlightened about their behaviour and yes you are probably right, too much 'school gate drama'
Silly rude cow.

skyeskyeskye Sun 15-Sep-13 13:28:29

YANBU. I have a friend like this. I told her that her DC won't always be able to do everything together and need to learn that they will each be invited to parties without the other one.

Slightly different but similar issue, DC aged 4 and 5. Oh X can't possibly make a plate at play group because Z is at school and can't make one. Yes, and Z made one when he was at play group.,,,,,, so second DC prevented from doing thing that PFB did at same age... Doesn't make sense to me.

SockPinchingMonster Sun 15-Sep-13 13:30:10

YANBU, I have 5 year old twins and sometimes one will get invited to a party and the other won't, I think it's a good thing as they get to be treated as individuals and even at their age they understand that they won't always be invited together. She has a cheek trying to make you feel guilty. Stick to your guns and don't invite the younger one.

pigsDOfly Sun 15-Sep-13 13:32:11

God no YANBU.

What is she going to do if one of the girls wants to marry at some point in the future, make her wait until the other one finds someone to marry so she won't be disappointed to be left out. Stupid woman.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sun 15-Sep-13 13:32:30

Yanbu. Well done for not letting her guilt trip you smile

Sarahplane Sun 15-Sep-13 13:44:55

What a cheeky cow. Yadnbu.

CruCru Sun 15-Sep-13 13:46:00

Yanbu. Apart from anything else, if everyone "needs" to bring a sibling you'll end up with 25 kids not 10. It's impossible.

I had a friend at secondary school like this - in the first couple of years we always had to have her little brother along as well which changed the group dynamic. Ugh.

Primrose123 Sun 15-Sep-13 13:46:20

YANBU. I think the other mother is very rude.

alpinemeadow Sun 15-Sep-13 13:49:44

You would have thought this would have arisen before if her dd1 is 7 - but maybe host mothers have always said yes?

Bowlersarm Sun 15-Sep-13 13:50:38

YANBU.

Don't bring it up again, but stick to your guns. She was very rude. She should take the opportunity of doing something one-to-one with which ever dd doesn't have a party, whilst explaining it's not possible to be invited to everything.

And she shouldn't be trying to make you feel bad about it!

She was being lazy, and using you for childcare.

Euphemia Sun 15-Sep-13 13:51:49

YANBU! Stupid woman - her poor DD. sad

wearingpurple Sun 15-Sep-13 13:52:41

YANBU. Dd2 is close in age to Dd1 and used to throw a strop when she didn't get invited to dd1's friends' parties, but she's over it now and I'd never have indulged it. Of course a 6 year old is old enough to understand this concept! Ridiculous.

topicsactiveimon Sun 15-Sep-13 13:54:28

Wow, I am a seriously soft touch on birthday parties - invite everyone so no one feels left out, etc - but even I think this is way OTT. YANBU. I would text back but something very light: DD will miss having X, too. If you're able to make other arrangements for her sister, X is more than welcome on the day.

That's some world-class piss-taking!

pigletmania Sun 15-Sep-13 13:54:46

Yanbu at all, the mother is a cheeky so and so, using her DDs to guilt trip. It's her fault her dd is missing the party, now is the time fr a lesson in life, 6 is not too young at all. Bet se wants to bugger off for some Chid free time, and using you as free babysitting

ThreeMyselfAndI Sun 15-Sep-13 13:55:50

shock yanbu, that's incredably rude to ask and then try and guilt trip you too!! You've done the right thing.

ToffeeCaramel Sun 15-Sep-13 13:57:08

YANBU. You did the right thing. I can't believe the cheek of the other mum!

maras2 Sun 15-Sep-13 13:57:51

Cheeky wagon.Bet she still brings the kids though.

Mummyoftheyear Sun 15-Sep-13 13:59:47

Cheeky cow ( other mum)! She was probably hoping to occupy both girls at the same time. Don't doubt yourself. You are absolutely right! I know it's hard but she's just trying to use you to entertain both girls. Until you'd said yes, she shouldn't have even told her girls that they'd be going. IF its true about them not understanding hat they're not invited together now that they're 6 and 7, it's time that they learnt. Bloody cheek !!!!

lunar1 Sun 15-Sep-13 13:59:58

Are you sure the reply wasn't from the 7 year old? I just cant believe an adult woman would be so childish!

Manchesterhistorygirl Sun 15-Sep-13 14:00:20

No, she was being hugely unreasonable! Dh us just gone out to pick ds1 one up from a party whilst I sit in with ds2 at home. They are 7 and 2!

The only time I ever ask to bring the other child is if its soft play and I'm on my own and then I always pay for the other child nd buy their food and drink! It's massively unreasonable to do otherwise I thought?

Lizzabadger Sun 15-Sep-13 14:01:55

Another YANBU. Don't reply. She was just trying it on.

TyrannosaurusBex Sun 15-Sep-13 14:02:42

YANBU. My DH once did this and I was mortified blush

ToffeeCaramel Sun 15-Sep-13 14:03:35

The laser quest mum is really bad too as she has taught her son that all he has to do is tantrum to get his way

babybythesea Sun 15-Sep-13 14:04:47

I had a friend like this. Little sister (18 months younger) always had to come too. Problem was, I didn't like the little sister very much - she whined, she always wanted to do things her way, and always told tales to adults if she didn't get it leading to me and the older sister being told off for not including her/not taking turns/not being fair etc. There was always stuff we couldn't do because she didn't like it/didn't want to do it.
I loved being with my friend but I couldn't handle the constant demands and presence of the younger one so after a while the friendship tailed off. (I was about 6 up until about 9 putting up with it, and then gradually asked less and less for my friend to come over. By the age of 11, we didn't see each other any more).

Charlottehere Sun 15-Sep-13 14:05:38

What an arse, not you the othermother

RenterNomad Sun 15-Sep-13 14:07:24

The only reason a younger child should "have" to come to an older sib's party if if it's a "play and stay" with parents attending, and there's no-one to care for the one "left out".

Dumping both kids (or all kids, in the case of 3+) would be bloody rude!

BalloonSlayer Sun 15-Sep-13 14:13:25

"Are you sure the reply wasn't from the 7 year old? I just cant believe an adult woman would be so childish!"

grin

Gives me an idea

How about texting back "Hi OtherMum, I think your youngest might have got hold of your phone, perhaps you might want to check your outbox! Cheeky wee pickle trying to invite herself to DD's party and pretending to be you! Just as well she doesn't sound grown up enough yet and I guessed it was her xxxxx"

ExitPursuedByADragon Sun 15-Sep-13 14:14:11

Cheeky mare.

Jellybeanz1 Sun 15-Sep-13 14:15:35

This happened to me despite me saying that my dd couldn't invite all her friends. I got guilt tripped by the twins thing out of my ignorance. Dd had a pizza and film party but the gate crasher refused to join in (as after all she didn't know them and she didn't seem to like her sibling much either). A it was a 3-8pm I found myself frazzled entertaining her and she wet herself! Don't do it.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Sun 15-Sep-13 14:17:00

YADNBU.

If a party is at our local soft play, a few parents bring older/younger children and send them off to play while the other one is at the party, then buy them lunch while party tea is on in the party room. The key here is, they pay for them! I have never done this as DSs are joined at the hip and would just follow each other, making it seem like an extra party guest.

We had a party at home, and when siblings came with parents at collection time I bunged them a few sweets leftover from party bags - they were more than grateful for that!

squeaver Sun 15-Sep-13 14:18:59

LOVE BS's idea. Do it!!

fuzzpig Sun 15-Sep-13 14:28:00

PMSL balloon that is genius.

NoComet Sun 15-Sep-13 14:29:34

YANBU, I have asked for the other to be allowed to tag along to parties that are 10 plus miles from home in exchange for staying and helping instead of driving home or trying to waste two hours in a very small supermarket.

But I wouldn't ask for a small all the same age group house party.

TheCrackFox Sun 15-Sep-13 14:31:57

Cheeky mare!

fluffyraggies Sun 15-Sep-13 14:39:01

DD3 was friends with one of a pair of girl twins in her year at primary. The mother of the twins would always wrangle a way to get both twins to any event.

On the rare occasion you could interact with one of them as an individual, the girls were nice kids. In their pair they were sulky spoilt nightmares for some reason.

Upshot = neither of them were ever invited anywhere after they got to about 5 or 6 as it became ridiculous. I always thought their mother was doing them both a massive disservice.

FrussoHathor Sun 15-Sep-13 14:40:08

Yadnbu.

Jux Sun 15-Sep-13 14:43:34

This happened to us when dd was 4. One dad turned up with his (invited) daughter, but brought the younger sister too, and guilt tripped me in to having her as well. He then sat in on all the games to 'help' the younger child, and made sure she won everything. [anger]

I'm so glad all the prizes were crap! I never said yes to a sibling again.

zatyaballerina Sun 15-Sep-13 14:51:44

yanbu, the poor girl has to lose out on a party now because of her silly mother. Siblings don't care about not being invited to the same parties unless the parents put that idea into their head and no child would want to miss one because little sis couldn't tag along. What a selfish woman for trying to guilt trip you and making her daughter lose out.

I would never give in to someone like that.

NicknameIncomplete Sun 15-Sep-13 16:32:24

I reckon she just wanted to dump both children at yours and have the afternoon to herself. Cheeky cow.

Floggingmolly Sun 15-Sep-13 16:59:23

The girl's are not too young to understand and neither is their mum
Tell her no, you would have to apply the same logic to all the guest's siblings and you're not prepared to triple or quadruple the number of attendees. Flaming cheek!

2kidsintow Sun 15-Sep-13 17:12:13

I've had 'sibling rage' at one of my DD's parties before. At a play place, Mum of friend asked if she could bring the younger DD. I said she was welcome to pay for her to come and play, but I didn't have another invite spare. She said fine.

Then she proceeded to ignore her youngest and failed to keep her away from the party. This wouldn't have mattered in the free-for-all parts, like the disco bit, but when it came to counting heads for the food it mattered a great deal. My own neice was passed over and not given a dinner because the sibling turned up and was counted as a guest. I had to remind the party people that she wasn't a guest before that got fixed and I felt really cross about it. She wasn't invited the year after specifically to avoid such a thing happening again.

hermioneweasley Sun 15-Sep-13 17:19:38

YANBU

My toddler understands that she isn't invited to the same parties as her older brother.

FFS

youarewinning Sun 15-Sep-13 17:27:58

YADNBU.

What a cheeky mare!

She will have a shock when her eldest DD starts rebelling against her decisions and she'll realise she's putting a strain on the siblings relationship.

YANBU, what a rude woman!

handcream Sun 15-Sep-13 17:43:33

This is very common. When the boys were smaller at birthday parties there was always a mother (and it does seem to be women!) Who turned up with the invited child and a hopeful looking sibling. One even asked if they could stay - but wouldn't expect a party bag!!!

midoriway Sun 15-Sep-13 17:45:03

I can see i am in the minority here, but I subscribe to the "more is merrier" school of party invites, and so do explicitly invite siblings on the invite. Parents are also invited, and there is beer or wine for everyone. I throw the kind of parties I would like to go to, you know, nice ones. I had my 8 year old's party last week. We ended up with about 35 kids plus parents. It was a blast. probably total budget of 300 quid. BBQ dinner for everyone, plus the hire of a local community garden/woodland that we had all to ourselves. Kids ended up creating some kind of lord of the flies experiment, and mums and dad's happily ignoring it all having a chin wag and a drink. I am not rich, and I live in a in a one bedroom flat, but I like to have big parties and cut my cloth accordingly.

Parties are meant to be fun, so have some fun.

midoriway Sun 15-Sep-13 17:48:05

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Floggingmolly Sun 15-Sep-13 17:50:00

The main difference here, midori, is that you explicitly invited siblings; op did not. Her reasons are irrelevant, the other mum had a brass neck to try to bulldoze both her kids in to a party where she'd had an invitation for one of them. It's rude.

IslaValargeone Sun 15-Sep-13 17:50:26

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BalloonSlayer Sun 15-Sep-13 17:50:57

Well the OP did say that money is very tight at the moment midoriway, so I am not sure I get where you are coming from with the recommendations for throwing a £300 extravaganza. hmm

WetDog Sun 15-Sep-13 17:53:03

*midorway8 - did you miss the bit where the OP said money was tight and they were on a shoestring budge? hmm

She doesn't have £300 or the room to invite 35 kids and parents and she doesn't have a woodland to do it in! Sheesh.

WetDog Sun 15-Sep-13 17:54:16

Apologies everyone else - that nasty, cruel comment from midoriway pissed me off so much I lost the ability to spell and bold grin

midori, are your parties like this : "how many elephants can you fit in a fridge"?

Or "How do you know how many elephants stampeded through the fridge?
You count the footprints in the pate, natch!"

You, show off you... With your 35 adults and 35 kids plus in a one bed flat for a bbq.....

handcream Sun 15-Sep-13 17:55:56

And don't get me started on people who don't accept the invite, you chase them and they say yes and don't turn up and you are clearly paying per person and need to book in advance.

Oh, you have woodland to host parties in, lucky you! grin

WetDog Sun 15-Sep-13 17:56:17

You missed the bit about the hired woodland Quint grin

kali110 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:59:05

'You know, nice parties' ?wow. Op had a budget and could barely fit the guests that were invited.
Bet the other guests would have been bit disappointed that their kids siblings couldnt come but this girls could?
None of this really matters though, op had a guestlist. The mother has ruined it for the invited daughter, not op.

Saffyz Sun 15-Sep-13 18:01:02

YANBU

coldwater1 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:01:50

YANBU i have 8 kids they all get invited to friends parties and it has never been an issue with the younger siblings, they'll have their turn when they get an invite to a friends party. Its life.

IslaValargeone Sun 15-Sep-13 18:02:52

Still laughing at midori's party guests engaging in a lord of the flies experiment

exoticfruits Sun 15-Sep-13 18:04:03

Don't feel guilty and don't change your mind!

hettienne Sun 15-Sep-13 18:06:38

Well I threw a party for 100 people and it cost £500 and my party was significantly nicer than yours.

muminthecity Sun 15-Sep-13 18:06:48

'penny pinching sour faced misery' gringrin

I can assure you I am not a sour faced misery. Unfortunately, as much as I love a good party, I have bills to pay, and food to buy. They get priority over parties at the moment. £300 is way more than I could possibly afford. I think the party will still be 'nice.' I'm not planning on serving bread and water and lecturing the children on the importance of frugality in the current climate grin. I'm not charging an entrance fee either grin.

There will be all the usual party food plus games, and my sister is a dab hand at face painting and balloon modelling so I'm sure the children will have fun.

FrussoHathor Sun 15-Sep-13 18:07:27

Who has a £300 budget for a child's party? shock

muminthecity Sun 15-Sep-13 18:09:43

Having said that, midori, I'd hate for you to be worrying about all these poor children suffering at the hands of this sour-faced misery, so for your sake I will PM you my paypal details and you can pop £300 in there for me, so that my party can be as 'nice' as yours. You're welcome.

mameulah Sun 15-Sep-13 18:12:25

YADNBU

EastwickWitch Sun 15-Sep-13 18:16:30

You should not feel in the least bit guilty.
It's such bad manners to even ask to bring a sibling. It was absolutely the right think to text her & say no.
I'm sure your DD will have a lovely time with the friends that she actually invited.

midoriway Sun 15-Sep-13 18:19:56

I am standing by my penny pinching misery comment- Look at the vitriol this mum has attracted for daring to ask if her other kid can join in-

"The cheeky cow just wants free child care for the afternoon."

"Emotional blackmail irritates the life out of me."

"What an ill bred woman"

"those types of people don't tend to learn anything from being enlightened about their behaviour"

"She was being lazy, and using you for childcare"

"He is know as the party bag thief in our house.- super mature comment from a grown adult about a young kid there.

How precious are spaces at your parties? Are you giving out Faberge eggs in the party bags?

But yeah, screw me, with my blinging 15quid an hour community garden hire, lording it over everyone else. Goodness me.

LaVitaBellissima Sun 15-Sep-13 18:24:27

You can't hire a garden in at this time of year though!

ExitPursuedByADragon Sun 15-Sep-13 18:24:59

hmm confused

Limited space at party. You invite who you want. Not the rest of their family.

Chippednailvarnish Sun 15-Sep-13 18:26:03

So Midori what happens when each child attending wants to bring their siblings and the OP hasn't got the room nor the money to entertain them?

InsertBoringName Sun 15-Sep-13 18:26:54

"You know, nice parties" Meow!

BlackAffronted Sun 15-Sep-13 18:27:27

midori, I am surprised you have any friends to invite shock

GlobalWarning Sun 15-Sep-13 18:30:54

Midori, are you the other mother? grin

Floggingmolly Sun 15-Sep-13 18:37:44

Do you take every invitation your children receive as a bring the extended family free for all, midori? If so, those comments you find so distasteful apply equally to you.

muminthecity Sun 15-Sep-13 18:39:16

midori - None of those comments were made by me. In fact, I haven't said anything nasty about her, all I have done is point out that I'm skint and don't have much space. I don't see how that makes me a 'sour-faced misery!'

PTFO Sun 15-Sep-13 18:53:15

YADNBU. I'm sure your daughter will have a lovely day!

Bunbaker Sun 15-Sep-13 18:54:41

"I can see i am in the minority here, but I subscribe to the "more is merrier" school of party invites, and so do explicitly invite siblings on the invite. Parents are also invited, and there is beer or wine for everyone. I throw the kind of parties I would like to go to, you know, nice ones. I had my 8 year old's party last week. We ended up with about 35 kids plus parents. It was a blast. probably total budget of 300 quid. BBQ dinner for everyone, plus the hire of a local community garden/woodland that we had all to ourselves. Kids ended up creating some kind of lord of the flies experiment, and mums and dad's happily ignoring it all having a chin wag and a drink. I am not rich, and I live in a in a one bedroom flat, but I like to have big parties and cut my cloth accordingly."

Midori You obviously haven't read the OP's original post. She specifically stated that she couldn't afford a large party and didn't have the room in a 2 bed flat. Besides, it is also a big risk organising an outdoor party at this time of year. £300 is a lot of money for many people. Please have a little more understanding.

Or are you the other mother?

Bowlersarm Sun 15-Sep-13 18:55:01

Midori, are you the dd friend mother?

UC Sun 15-Sep-13 18:55:44

How ridiculous. Of her I mean. She is setting her children up for a lot of disappointment.

lachrymavitis Sun 15-Sep-13 18:58:34

No, YANBU. I have twins and I do not expect them to be invited to the same parties (even though in the same class at school). It's a lesson they have to learn. You did the right thing.

pigletmania Sun 15-Sep-13 19:02:22

Midori if op says yes to this woman tan she has to say yes to the others too, potentally having 24 Chidren in one small flat and incurring more costs to op. yes the mum is using her dd to blackmail op, instead of teaching her life's lessons, and that it's her sisters friends party not her friends etc. using her dd user to make op feel bad instead she has chosen her invited dd not to go making her miss out. How horrible is that!

pigletmania Sun 15-Sep-13 19:04:37

How many Parties is this poor girl going to miss, so as not to upset her 6 year old sister who is old enough to understand that we don't go to every arty, op dd is her sisters friend not hers!

DeWe Sun 15-Sep-13 19:05:08

Too young to understand. Ridiculous. I'm sure most dc of preschool age understand that. The only reason they won't understand is if she always does this.
I'm sure X is disappointed-she'd probably love to come to a party without her sister.

DIYapprentice Sun 15-Sep-13 19:07:00

Flipping heck, Midori - I also have thrown parties where siblings and parents are invited - they are fun.

But I completely and utterly agree with the op here.

Sometimes you can't invite lots of people, and sometimes your DC don't WANT you to. This isn't about you, it's about THEM. At 8 they probably want a party with THEIR friends, not every person that vaguely knows them.

The ONLY time that I have specifically asked for DS2 to attend a party with DS1 was when the parent insisted that I stay with DS1, and I had no one to look after DS2 - if I couldn't bring DS2, then DS1 would not have been able to attend. I have at other times CHECKED - 'should I bring DS2 or shall I leave him at home with DH?', but that's because it seems to be the done thing at a lot of parties around here to bring younger siblings, and half the birthday children have younger siblings the age of DS2.

Midori - it is ridiculous to label the OP as a sour faced misery for comments that other people have made!! hmm

When my dses were much younger than 8 and 7, they understood that they weren't going to get invited to parties just because their sibling was.

shrinkingnora Sun 15-Sep-13 19:08:30

Midori - when you're really broke the budget can be as little as £10. I've had to do several for £20 including cake, food and decorations/pass the parcel. There's no way I could have hired anything for £15 an hour or fed more than 6 guests on a budget like that. I think people have different perceptions of broke. It's possible that the mother asking for an extra guest to come just does not realise how tight things are. But her excuse is ridiculous. There are going to be multiple occasions when her daughters will attend different events. I think the previous posters are getting irritated by that rather than the fact she asked at all.

bishboschone Sun 15-Sep-13 19:09:42

She is a twat who indulges her children. Of course thy need to learn one can do something without the other..

shrinkingnora Sun 15-Sep-13 19:11:11

In fact, midori, are you Jamie Oliver? He's very good at doo things on a budget too.

CatAmongThePigeons Sun 15-Sep-13 19:13:35

Midori is hilarious. Good for you and your bitchyness at the OP. Congratulations.

Mum- the spoilt, demanding mother of the children in your OP deserves the message that Balloon Slayer made.

JerseySpud Sun 15-Sep-13 19:13:38

YADNBU

I have been to two parties over the summer with DD1 and both times kids have stayed that have not been invited leaving to frazzled mothers.

I hate entitled people.

SPBisResisting Sun 15-Sep-13 19:14:04

"I'm not charging an entrance fee either grin"

Ah well that's where you're going wrong - each guest should give a monetary gift equal to the cost of their plate. If they don't, feel free to sneer liberally.

When DD was 3 she was invited to a party without her big brother. After a lifetime of not being invited to his big school-friend parties it was heaven for her - she loved it grin

Editededition Sun 15-Sep-13 19:14:20

You are not even faintly U, OP, and I am really glad you sent such a sensible reply.

I do feel sorry for the girl who is not now coming, but only because her mother is teaching her absolutely nothing about real life.
Makes you wonder if this is how all those ''entitled' people start out in life.

crazycanuck Sun 15-Sep-13 19:14:58

I'd put money on midori being the other mum.

op yanbu the other mum is an grabby twat.
midori you really are coming across as quite unpleasant.

Acepuppets Sun 15-Sep-13 19:18:13

Well this was the perfect opportunity for her daughters to learn that they can't go to parties together all of the time.

dottyaboutstripes Sun 15-Sep-13 19:20:35

Yanbu
This happened to me but AT the party and I could kick myself for saying it was ok. I was fuming!

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 15-Sep-13 19:22:09

YANBU, what a cheeky mare! I cant believe the cheek of some people although i suspect many turn up at parties with siblings and hope they can stay.

I invite close friends siblings if DS knows them otherwise not, its down to the parents to drop the invited child off and then look after their other children. The lat couple of parties have had a height restriction so no little siblings could be invited in line with the rules of the venue.

Good for you, OP.

I suppose we should be glad that cheeky mother asked first, rather than dumping the sister and legging it. That has significant precedent.

Extra siblings at eg softplay, where you can buy a separate meal and pay entrance etc etc are quite different from at-home parties where the host has to provide everything. I'm starting to enjoy the freedom of parties where DS(5) can be left, but still around 50% of parents stay.

Oh and DS(2) understands very unwillingly that there are some things his big brother can go to that he can't.

homeagain Sun 15-Sep-13 19:37:07

YANBU

HoneyDragon Sun 15-Sep-13 19:55:53

There is a huge difference in being a bit cheeky and asking to impose upon someone's hospitality and emotionally blackmailing someone into doing something.

The woman in question has not asked. She has threatened. And is therefore cheeky, and not nice to the op or her children.

Do you think when her eldest has to go on a residential with school at £200 a pop, she'll be in the school office demanding to pay £400 so her youngest can attend, to prevent her being upset?

zipzap Sun 15-Sep-13 20:07:11

I would prime your dd about what has happened and work out something for her to say if the girl says about 'you' not letting her go to the party - something like 'no, you're allowed to come, you're still invited. It's your mum that said you couldn't come because there wasn't space for your little sis. It would be nice for you to come without her though - I can't imagine having to go to every party my sibs go to - can't you just ask your mum if you can come by yourself?'

The girl might not even know why she can't go to the party or realise that it's not normal to go without a sibling if her mum always makes them go together.

Worriedkat Sun 15-Sep-13 20:27:49

I wouldn't think that the siblings have a clue what their mother has been trying on. The story about them getting upset if only one attends a party is probably just a smokescreen (lie) to try and get a couple of child free hours. I wouldn't be surprised you get a later text agreeing to just the one child attending after all.

junkfoodaddict Sun 15-Sep-13 20:29:57

I think Midori may have insecurity issues!

She feels the need to invite the entire neighbourhood by the sounds of it and hire out 'the best' venue for a birthday party that in years to come, will hardly be remembered by her child, for what - acceptance? Is she hoping to gain friends by throwing money about as a cheap commodity? Get over yourself!

OP - Stick to your guns and remember you have nothing to feel guilty about. The girl's mother made the decision not to allow her daughter to attend - not you. And 6 & 7 is NOT too young to realise that they are different entities and do not have to be joined at the hip 24/7.

kennyp Sun 15-Sep-13 20:59:18

at least she asked first (lots turn up around here with multiple siblings and plonk arses down and don't get the message) ... but no means no. tell her to fit in or fuck off. you're welcome .x

avolt Sun 15-Sep-13 21:20:58

YANBU. I have a dd the same age - totally understands she can't be invited to everything. I think the mum had a shopping trip planned or something and was hoping to find free childcare for the younger one. What a cheek! Don't feel guilty.

kali110 Sun 15-Sep-13 22:41:10

No op wasnt rude midori. The mom was wrong, not by asking but for trying to emotionally blackmail the op. it was immature.
Not everyone is as well off as you midori, or atleast dont boast about it.

guiltyconscience Sun 15-Sep-13 22:44:25

What a bitch don't feel bad she was trying it on.

Taz1212 Sun 15-Sep-13 22:52:21

Good grief, you can have perfectly nice parties in your own home! At that age DD was quite shy and didn't want to hire out someplace. She wanted her parties at home. So we'd have 8 or so little girls in, put a big "grass" picnic sheet on the living room floor to have an indoor picninc then played loads of games. Everyone loved them and DD was as happy as could be. Midori is being completely unreasonable, the OP is not. grin

softlysoftly Sun 15-Sep-13 22:54:10

Actually I can imagine Midoriways party being a bit like the opening sequence to shameless, more about the pissed up parents than the birthday child.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Sun 15-Sep-13 23:03:03

My kids are 4 and 6 and are fully aware that they each get invited to different parties and rarely to the same one. I would NEVER question this! Am grateful they both seem to have made some pals, and that the parents choose to include them.

YADNBU

Floggingmolly Sun 15-Sep-13 23:03:45

I can't see what's so exclusive about hiring the community garden anyway, midori, even if you did pay extra to keep the general riff raff out. What's a community garden anyway, is it like a park?
Do the council actually allow exclusive hire of parks, or did you simply post some likely lads with rottweilers at the entrance points? Most people can mooch in there any old time they please.

Ragusa Sun 15-Sep-13 23:05:17

Midori, are you being sarcastic, or are you actually the inspiration for this sketch?

CeliaLytton Sun 15-Sep-13 23:12:46

YANBU. But I think that has been made clear.

And good for you that on your DDs birthday you are throwing a party that she would like with her friends and her interests in mind rather than, you know, a party that you would like to go to, you know, a selfish one wink

YADNBU and I love your response to Midori grin

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Mon 16-Sep-13 01:02:09

It's quite possible that these 2 girls understand perfectly that they can't go to everything together and that the mother is just trying it on to get free childcare for an afternoon!

FatOwl Mon 16-Sep-13 02:10:58

I had a party for dd1 when she turned 5 (now 18 so I am going back a bit!)

I hired a party place and paid per head, for crafts, food, cupcakes, party bags etc.

We invited the whole class (she has an end sept birthday, so it was a new class)

One parent turned up with a much older sister (about 12ish) and a cousin about 8ish.

In my PFB first-time-I'd-thrown-a-party-like-this panic, I said yes and the party venue rustled up another craft and fortunatley has spare cupcakes.

These two much older kids are right at the front and in the main frame of the camera in every.single.photo I have of the party.
Pisses me of to this day. Have no idea why they would have wanted to come to a five year old's party anyway!

I know I need to let it go.!

First and last time I did a whole class party.

People are so rude!

MammaTJ Mon 16-Sep-13 03:24:01

I have an 8 year old and a 7 year old. They learnt a long time ago that they do not both get invited to each others friends parties.

hesterton Mon 16-Sep-13 05:42:59

If I had a plump kid with specs, I would be very anxious about attending Midori's Lord of the Flies party...

exoticfruits Mon 16-Sep-13 06:40:23

I don't think that Midori's way is about the child at all. I would much prefer OP's way and I don't think it does the child any favours to think that they have to have what a sibling has. Mine were less than 2years apart and they got used, very early on, that one going to a party didn't mean the other went too.

exoticfruits Mon 16-Sep-13 06:44:44

It makes you wonder if she has actually read the book if she thinks it good that 'they created some kind of lord of the flies experiment'- totally ignored by the adults. I spent my time making sure that they never had a situation like 'Lord of the Flies'.

exoticfruits Mon 16-Sep-13 06:46:09

And even if it was twins I would only invite one if only one was a friend of my child. They don't have to come as a pair.

Floggingmolly Mon 16-Sep-13 08:46:37

Yes, Swallows and Amazons might have been a slightly better comparison, exotic smile

MissMooMoo Mon 16-Sep-13 10:38:25

YANBU! I dont have any kids myself but do work as a nanny and I know my employers do this!
one memory forever in my mind. 2 dc very close in age,one is nearly 3 and the other is 4. 3 yr old dc is invited to a nursery friends birthday party,its at a soft play centre but during halfterm. Birthday girl's mother is informed that dc would like to attend but nanny may have to bring older dc and was that okay,mum says yes fine.
To my horror the day arrived and my boss has taken the day off work and offers to drive us to the party,i'm thinking maybe he has somewhere else to go afterwards.....nope all 4 of us go into the party and the person at the front of softplay centre says the non invited dc is not on the list,boss says hes cleared it with the mother and walks straight in....we all stayed for the entire party and dad insisted that non invited child get a meal. I wanted to melt into the ground.

I have just arrived at work this am and older dc is telling me about a party she attended this past wknd,younger dc went along too! aged 6 and 4 now so they really should understand!!!angry

WetGrass Mon 16-Sep-13 10:40:37

YANBU

(said as a mother of 4! I go out of my way to point out that you can invite 1 of my DC without the whole rabble gatecrashing!)

Awomansworth Mon 16-Sep-13 11:03:00

As the mum of 5 year old twin sons I would never ask or assume the other could come if only one were invited to a party (hasn't happened as yet, but it will).

I would look forward to spending some time with the other one.

takeaway2 Mon 16-Sep-13 11:05:50

OMG YANBU. We just had a birthday party for my 3 year old and everyone didn't bring siblings. Bar one, who was very good friends with my older child and I invited that one to keep my older one company (and anyway we are all very good friends).

we have been to so many parties where the invite's only for one child; it's a good time to spend just quality time one to one!

lottieandmia Mon 16-Sep-13 11:07:00

YANBU. Someone turned up to my dd's birthday party with extra sibling without even asking me first. Luckily I had enough food and had done some extra party bags so it was ok. But I did make a note in my head that the mother was rude. I think it is extremely bad manners to bring people to a party who were not invited. You put the host in an awkward position when they have been kind enough in the first place.

3boys3dogshelp Mon 16-Sep-13 11:11:40

As mine are so close in age they actually have the same friends (small village and school) so do usually both get invited. Once I have asked if younger dc can come as they were 2 and 3 and I had to stay at the party and dh was at work. I insisted there was no need for party bags etc and mum was fine. Now they are older and I can drop them off I wouldn't dream of it. Smaller one is sometimes fed up if he is left out but it's not hard to give him a bit of special time or a treat to cheer him up and he isn't 4 yet! Ywnbu.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Mon 16-Sep-13 11:11:48

Goodness, is £300 considered a small budget nowadays??

Jux Mon 16-Sep-13 11:20:56

No, £300 is a massive budget for a child's birthday party.

I have an aunt who had two dds. They were not twins. The godmother of the younger dd was a friend of the family - the whole family I mean, all my aunts and uncles and their kids - and she would buy the most beautiful expensive presents for her god-daughter. My aunt would refuse them unless the godmother got one for the other dd too (as it would be unfair to give a present to one and not the other hmm). The result was that these lovely things were given to me instead! Both girls missed out.

Being my cousins, I was very close to the two girls. We all knew what was happening and I know the older one would have been happy enough for her little sis to get birthday presents from her god-mother, as she got presents from her own god-mother. The whole thing was a fabrication of my aunt's, for no good reason. It was utterly ridiculous.

ShatnersBassoon Mon 16-Sep-13 11:21:21

Looking on the bright side, at least the woman asked about the little sister, even if it was a bit cheeky. I've known people sit uninvited siblings down at the party table, leaving no chair for an invited friend.

GladbagsGold Mon 16-Sep-13 11:22:59

YANBU. Other mother has terrible manners.

Midoris party sounds fun too though I have to say. I like throwing more the merrier parties usually, but we have done things like laser quest where numbers are more controlled too.

I have two DC and would never bring one to a sibling-friend party!

TakingThePea Mon 16-Sep-13 11:23:46

YANBU!!!

She is the one disappointing her children. She could drop the elder one at your party then have fun time with her youngest.

HavantGuard Mon 16-Sep-13 11:33:21

Living in a one bed flat and spending £300 on a child's birthday party. Right.

FauxFox Mon 16-Sep-13 11:35:06

midori what are you doing? You spent £300 on a party, so say £45 for the £15/h 'woodland'? £55 on food? what was the other £200 for? Booze for the adults while the kids went feral? hmm That's what you do on your birthday not the DCs surely?

SugarHut Mon 16-Sep-13 11:39:16

I throw massive, well over the top (because I love party planning) do's for my son. I always say siblings are welcome because I usually hire some kind of educational show/speaker that frankly it would be a waste for only a few children to enjoy...although I make it clear that siblings are most welcome to come for the show, which is always at the end, but are not included in the initial party or catered for. Not because of the expense, but because they are not DS' close friends so it would simply be a little odd for them to be there.

Having said that, I would never DREAM of inviting any siblings to a party they had not been invited too. Especially with such a lame excuse, ie, my children are too precious to understand they have different social groups. If there was some reason, physically, that she could only drop off both children, or neither, then I would attempt to accommodate. But there is none, she's being incredibly rude by subsequently refusing your invitation and insinuating it's down to you that the original girl is not coming. You are right, they are not toddlers unable to understand the concept. I think you have done exceptionally well not to say anything else, I would have struggled not too!

WireCat Mon 16-Sep-13 11:53:30

£300 on a kids party. faints

OP stick to your guns. I feel for the child, not going to a party as her mother can't bear for her kids to be "parted" my arse, she wanted a child free afternoon

I've had the same request. I to.d the people they'd have to pay for the sibling. Sibling didn't attend...

Fleta Mon 16-Sep-13 11:56:19

YANBU

And time for her girls to learn a valuable life lesson that they aren't always going to get the same invitations to everywhere

Idespair Mon 16-Sep-13 12:00:32

Yanbu. What a bitch sending you a text like that. She clearly fancied some free childcare for both her daughters. If her younger dd is 6/7, she quite clearly does understand that parties are not for siblings as well! I think the average 3yo is capable of processing this concept.

cleoowen Mon 16-Sep-13 12:02:24

Goodness, what a precious parent. Her children are old enough to understand and accept that one is invited and the other isn't. Surely they will be both be upset now being told they are not going to a party which they were excited about, rather than just one of them! How stupid.

If the invited one was upset I would probably just have some time with her and have a special treat just the two of us thing.

FatOwl Haha, I did the same. They lived next door so I felt obliged to let the older sister come.
A 12 year old at a party for 5 year olds. She completely ruined it by heckling the magician angry
Still rankles 12 years later.

Jux Mon 16-Sep-13 12:21:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FauxFox Mon 16-Sep-13 14:07:59

hmm Jux

roamer2 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:19:34

Did she think that parents should stay too? Though normally parents have disappeared by yr 3

imip Mon 16-Sep-13 14:36:48

I have small gaps bw 4dds. With the oldest two, 5&6 when one gets invited to a party and the other isn't, it is painful. The other complains, tantrums and cries and it is soo annoying. However, that is just how it is and I would NEVER dream of asking to bring the other along.

We do have to do parity with play dates though, and need to take it in turns to have people over or go to other people's houses.

Jux Mon 16-Sep-13 21:49:25

SOrry, FauxFox. That was a stupid and insensitive post of mine. Please feel free to report it. I shall do so too.

exoticfruits Mon 16-Sep-13 22:20:04

If they have a tantrum it is just tough!
I am a bit astounded that anyone would spend £300 on a child's party.

FauxFox Tue 17-Sep-13 07:54:31

S'alright Jux sure you didn't mean it to sound like that smile

I see midori hasn't been back to explain why she called the OP sour-faced etc, based on other people's comments on this thread - I had thought she might even apologise for this. Or to explain how the OP is supposed to find £300 she hasn't got, to host a party extravaganza.

Just as well I wasn't holding my breath...

shrinkingnora Tue 17-Sep-13 12:14:52

She can't come back, she's at a police station explaining why the kids beat a fat boy to death at her last party.

ToffeeCaramel Tue 17-Sep-13 12:16:52

shrinkingnora grin

Flicktheswitch Tue 17-Sep-13 12:19:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YANBU - slightly different if they were 2 and 3 and couldn't leave 3yr old on their own, but at 8 there's no chance that she will be hanging around. She's missed an opportunity there to have nice 1:1 time with her younger daughter and maybe buy something which doesn't match her sister's. My dc enjoy it when it is 2:2 instead of 2:3 and there's often cake involved so I enjoy it too.

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