IABTotallyU... Flame away, get me a grip

(71 Posts)
WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 08:36:09

I've woken up in the vilest of moods. Grumpy, snappy, want to hide from the world and not see or speak to anyone.

DH in particular is winding me up. I just want him to STFU and leave me alone to fester.

My defence is that I'm exhaused. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of everything, ready to tip over into a breakdown. DD4 is 13mo and doesn't sleep unless I co-sleep and then she will sleep 2 -4 hours.

DH is a sleepwalker which is brought on by over-tiredness and stress. He's been sleeping in the spare room for months, we've slept in the same bed a handful of times in the last year, but since the last night terror when he punched me the move seems permanent. It has to be like this while DD co-sleeps but it also means he's sleeping full nights while I deal with DD and the other DCs who always come to me in the night if they've had bad dream etc.

If I'm honest I'm jealous of the amount he gets to sleep while I'm surviving on bog all, I've been up since 6am with the DCs as he's 'tired from stressful week at work'.

Please give me a good shake, snap me out of this shitty mood, give me a grip etc. I chose to be a mummy, this is what I signed up for...

gordyslovesheep Sat 14-Sep-13 08:37:34

i'll give your 'd'h a grip and a wet fish slap - not you - he needs to take a turn in co sleeping and you need a lie in x

misskatamari Sat 14-Sep-13 08:40:14

No wonder you're feeling so awful. DH needs to help out with the co-sleeping and give you a break. He should definitely take over on some nights so you get a full nights sleep. Can you get him to take the kids out for a few hours today so you can have some time to yourself and a nice relaxing bath or something? Or just a big nap?

Trazzletoes Sat 14-Sep-13 08:40:16

gordy and what if he punches 13mo DD in his sleep? Is that ok because at least he's pulling his weight a bit more?

MorphandChas Sat 14-Sep-13 08:41:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 14-Sep-13 08:42:16

brew Have one of those and then have a bath. My DH has sleepwalking and night terror episodes...frightening they are. Your DH needs to see a doctor...there are things they can do. My DH has stopped alcohol and also caffeine and his has stopped completely!

He also doesn't eat after 7.00pm. Can you do as I say....then go back to bed....then later tell DH he has to see a doctor.

littlewhitebag Sat 14-Sep-13 08:43:22

DH obviously cannot co sleep. Too dangerous. However he needs to take charge during the day to allow you to catch up on sleep. Let him lie in now then ask him to take the kids out for a while. Seems reasonable to me.

missalien Sat 14-Sep-13 08:44:55

Right enough is enough you need to do shhhhh pat method on lo and get her in own bed . She does not need to be co sleeping . Prepare to stay up for the night doing it but its worth it . In her own bed , get a pillow to lean on edge of cot and when she wakes , gently shhhhh and pat her back . May take two hours first time but stick it out. Next time will be 45 mins, then ten mins , then sleep! Any medical problems ?

Do it. Enough is enough . And can Dh see go re sleep walking ?

hesterton Sat 14-Sep-13 08:46:07

Absolutely, he may not be able to co sleep but he needs to help you have a rest at some point in the day. I'm sure this stage will get better, many sympathies to you because it's so hard being chronically tired.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 08:46:55

Trazzle hits the nail on the head. He can't be trusted with any of the DCs at night. There's no warning for the night terrors, or walking. He's physically attacked me on several occasions, I wouldn't sleep anyway if he had one of the DCs with him in case he did something.

He could take over early mornings, yes. His excuse reason is he doesn't hear the baby in the morning so doesn't wake up in time to take over. I'm obviously awake with her and I take her downstairs so she doesn't wake the other DCs. He does work long hours / lots of stress but this also means I rarely get time away from DCs or out of the house.

But like I said, I chose to have DCs. I just need to get on with it somehow!

gordyslovesheep Sat 14-Sep-13 08:48:40

wow Tazzletoes did you mean to be so rude - I missed that bit of the OP so bite me! I still think he can get up and do the mornings if he's had a full nights sleep - he needs to pull his weight - yes - hth

RoadToTuapeka Sat 14-Sep-13 08:49:08

Sleep deprivation is dreadful, you have done really well to hold it together as well as you have done.
I'd second the suggestion of DH taking DCs out during the day so you can sleep or do anything you want.

Can he take more responsibility for the morning getting up of children? I sometimes find I am so.shattered and in a foul mood after night feedings but someone else getting the toddler up helps a lot and I can gradually become cheerful again.

Hope things get better.

He very obviously needs to spend the morning in hell soft play while you go back to sleep.

And he should have gotten up at 6am to take over from you.

tripecity Sat 14-Sep-13 08:50:39

why do your DCs come to you in the night after a bad dream or whatever? Can you train them to go to your DH? I would be putting all my energy into making this happen, even if it takes months of training, because at present you have no respite and are trying to look after all your kids single handedly 24 hours a day, which is not sustainable (as you are finding).

Your DH sounds like he needs a kick up the backside. He needs to take on some of the night time responsibilities. Its clearly unfair on you.

Also I would go to bed with DD for her afternoon nap at the weekends so you can catch up on a few zzzzzzs. In fact thats what I am doing today - and tomorrow. Its the one opportunity to catch up and I am also knackered and have been up since 6 whilst DH slept in. saying that he is currently feeding our 3 little kids breakfast, so I think thats fair. You need to spread the work and the rest.

Show him this, he doesnt realise you are this tired - he cant if hes having a lie in after you have been up every single night with the DCs. Sleep deprivation is the worst. I found it easier to deal with if I came up with a plan and in your case it would be to train the kids into going in to DH when they wake in the night, not you. Its hideous if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, please make some light at the end of your tunnel (ooerr!!!)

Finally, your DH needs to get help with his sleep disorder, there are tablets he can take to stop it. My friend takes them, it stopped her sleep walking, sleep shouting, sleep thrashing about etc. You cant be permanently sleeping in separate rooms. He needs to see his GP to get the ball rolling to sort it out. (this creates another light at the end of the tunnel concerning another problem)

Sorrry this is so long, I just feel your pain. Best of luck Weare

He chose to have DCs too. You don't just have to get on with it.

Also, he's doing shorter days than you. Possibly with less stress.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 08:52:56

Sorry massive x-post.

DH has seen GP and had sleep study. They offered him night sedation and anti-epileptics (no other health problems) which DH declined. He's fairly fit, not overweight, doesn't drink alcohol and minimal caffeine.

I know sleep with DD needs addressing. I just can't face it alone. Tried gradual retreat for a few nights but she just screamed until she was sick.

Yes, he needs to help more in the day. I go back to work next month - starting a new job - and I'll be doing twilight shifts so its going to get worse before it gets any better.

This isn't the flaming I was expecting!

picniclady Sat 14-Sep-13 08:53:09

As someone who sleep walks/ talks and has been known to get aggressive during these episodes, I can second the view that your dh must not co sleep! However, the trade off is surely that he should get up early on the weekend to get dc breakfast, dressed and take them to the park or somewhere for a couple of hours so you can have a lie in and sleep and rest!

I can understand him being off duty in the night, but that does mean he should give you a break during g the day (afterall, he's had a full night sleep)!

picniclady Sat 14-Sep-13 08:56:03

I don't see a problem with co sleeping unless it's bothering you - I enjoy the snuggles and get more sleep that way :-)

tripecity Sat 14-Sep-13 08:57:16

Picniclady - I cant understand him being off duty in the night at all - why should he? It sounds like they have at least 3 kids - how can it be fair for OP to be on permanent night duty?

OP, get this sorted before the job starts, please! My DD cried till she was sick, but we persevered and she got over it and learned to sleep

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 09:01:36

Co-sleeping is definitely easier for now, I think. I'm still BFing and DD settles much quicker with a feed.

Other DCs cannot go in to him at night. For example - one night he was dreaming about being in a car. DC came into room, he thought he'd run her over. He was shouting and screaming, lifted the bed up trying to 'rescue' DC when actually she was pinned against the wall with the bed. Poor child was terrified. I really struggled to wake him from it, get DC away and cuddled. Absolutely awful. She's now scared of him at night, won't go anywhere near him.

I will talk to him today about helping in the mornings. Maybe he could set his alarm so he's awake and ready to take DD from me so I can sleep.

Nanny0gg Sat 14-Sep-13 09:02:29

You must make him see that he has to help more in the day.

He can set an alarm at weekends so that he is ready for the DCs when they wake up. He can then take the baby when she wakes too. He can do some of the morning chores while you lie in for a little.

What does he do to help? Does he realise what he is asking of you when you go back to work?

BiddyPop Sat 14-Sep-13 09:02:45

So does your DH have any plan for changes when you are going back to work? Where will he be stepping in to help at that stage?

Trazzletoes Sat 14-Sep-13 09:07:26

I meant every word I posted and don't see the need to apologise.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 09:07:29

I've no idea what will happen while I'm at work. I don't really want to go back, but while DH's wage is excellent we just don't seem to manage on it so he's pretty much told me I need to earn a wage. Twilights and weekends are the only time I can work around the DCs - we have 4. DH's job means that he is never around for school run / after school and the cost of childcare for all 4 is more than I'd earn in a day.

He's a good daddy, adores the DCs. He's got the Hoover out and I'm hiding upstairs so he must know something is wrong.

Now he is awake, hand him the DC's and go to bed. Tired from a stressful week at work my arse. You are bloody exhausted and if he can't see that and pull HIS weight with HIS kids (he chose this too) then tell him to fuck off

missalien Sat 14-Sep-13 09:15:40

I stand by my advice then ! Shhhh pat method and put her in her own cot and get a night sleep !!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 14-Sep-13 09:17:06

Yes you chose to be a mum and to have four DCs but not like this. H needs to step up. You can't exist and function like this. No wonder torturers use sleep deprivation as a technique. Together review what he is doing to alleviate his stress. Just oodles of sleep alone isn't enough. Work out how he can take over early duties on weekends. You need your wits about you looking after DCs let alone driving and when you start that new job you'll really need proper rest.

Have you asked for suggestions on easing DD out of co-sleeping in MN Sleep (part of Body + Soul section)?

picniclady Sat 14-Sep-13 09:18:36

Tripecity - normally I would say of course dh should share night duty, but as he sleep walks and has night terrors it could be dangerous to dcs. As an example, when I used to do this a few years ago I was staying with my sister, woke during an episode of a night terror and thought she was an intruder - I was aggressively screaming at her to get out and asking who she was - I had my eyes open but was still asleep.

Op will be able to say whether her dh is a liability like this, but I thought he'd punched her during a night terror? That's why I didn't think he should be on duty at night...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 14-Sep-13 09:23:17

Financially too there's something amiss if H's 'excellent' salary is not stretching as it should. Of course there are benefits to working apart from salary but if that's the driving factor at least try and sit down and see where the money goes. Hard to concentrate when dropping with fatigue obviously.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 09:41:07

Have tried talking to him. He says he doesn't know what more he can do. He does enough - giving me space this morning, he's hoovered what more do I want?

I can't do this any more sad

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 14-Sep-13 09:43:01

Night terrors only happen when your asleep.

Nothing stopping DH not going to sleep a few times so he can do his bit

Dubjackeen Sat 14-Sep-13 09:50:45

Poor you. YANBU. Your husband is. Can he take the children out for a while today so that you can rest? I know it won't solve anything long term, but at least if you have slept, you will feel a bit better. Is your husband willing to discuss any other avenues re handling the night terrors? That must be difficult for you, and for the children also.

RevoltingPeasant Sat 14-Sep-13 10:03:22

OP it seems to me your DH can do two things

1 he can take the sleep sedation meds. I don't like taking meds and avoid them where possible. But then I don't have small Dc I'm terrifying at night and a partner I'm shoving all the night work onto. What are the side effects or medical risks of sleep sedation? If he can tolerate it for a couple of years he could help,out with DD.

2 he can set his alarm - yes alarm as he doesn't seem to wake to DD crying - for six and get up her both weekend days leaving you to sleep till eight or nine.

You are making sacrifices of a similar magnitude, after all.

However, honestly? I'd wean DD and have her in her own bed. She is old enough that I don't think there are health detriments to stopping now and anyhow you have to balance those agonist the detriment to your health of carrying on like this.

One month - wean. Next month - pat and shush or similar to,get her in her own bed. That's 8-10 weeks if it works and then you could be sleeping better.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 10:16:58

He won't take the meds because of side effects - hangover type feeling & possible lack of concentration in the days. Neither are acceptable at work.

Weaning. I'm trying to find a milk DD will drink, so far she spits everything out. The only other option I can think of is expressing and getting DH to cup feed for a while and only offering water in the night. That's if DH will help at night.

springydafty Sat 14-Sep-13 10:22:29

He won't take the meds? He thinks he's doing you a huge favour to be hoovering? He moreorless tells you, despite his good salary, that you have to go out to work? He's sounding the liability here. I don't know what you're going to do because you are so sleep deprived you probably find it hard to make a sandwich, let alone tackle him.

I'd say taking the meds is the first thing. No, he doesn't have a choice, not if you're taking the full brunt of the kids and his sleep disorder. Then look at your spending, really sit down and tot everything up, what you're spending your money on.

I'm not liking the sound of him tbh. But maybe that's the mood I'm in. What idiot doesn't see that you are going out of your mind with sleep-deprivation while he's lording it about, 'making' you go out to work when you're half off your head, gracing you with a bit of hoovering like he's wonderful? He sounds like a PITA, a liability all round tbh.

nennypops Sat 14-Sep-13 10:23:13

Can he at least take the meds at weekends? Surely if he isn't sleep walking and getting night terrors ultimately it means better quality sleep, therefore less accumulated exhaustion?

springydafty Sat 14-Sep-13 10:23:26

If he won't take the meds then he has to step up BIG TIME in other ways. Doing the hoovering is not big time.

You signed up for kids and joint parenting. If you aren't getting that deal he has to step up. Or the relationship is doomed.

If your doing all child care, all bills, all food, all there's left is earning money and I'm betting you could do that too. You get to a point of asking what is he providing?

You need to see money. Sorry but something isn't smelling right. Either a lot of Starbucks type extras going on which you need to cut back on or something else? Online gambling....?

feebeecat Sat 14-Sep-13 10:28:08

Another who agrees he can't do much during the night as you could never trust what he might unintentionally do to OP or the dc.

What is going to happen when you go back to work - will he be looking after dc evenings/weekends? If so, this might be the time to start a 'new routine' and give you a break for a few hours?

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 10:33:58

I have full access to all finances. It's just general crapness on both parts and overspending. Nothing dodgy. His wages are excellent on paper, but by the time you take off tax, pension, mortgage and bills there's not a lot left. We just don't manage that bit well. My fault probably more than his.

Our relationship does need looking at. I've been there, done that. I've tried to make changes, threatened to leave. We just slip back into our own normal and end up going round in circles.

Me going back to work may redress the balance. He wo t have any choice then, if I'm working a 12 hour shift on a Saturday he will have sole charge of the DCs, and hopefully will then be more understanding.

TwoStepsBeyond Sat 14-Sep-13 10:41:14

He was offered something to help with the night terrors but he declined? That needs sorting out, it can't go on indefinitely if it leaves you exhausted, he's probably not getting a proper restful sleep either, so less able to help you in the morning. He needs to at least try the medication he was offered, otherwise he's condemning you to separate beds and the children being afraid of him at night forever.

CSIJanner Sat 14-Sep-13 10:41:46

YANBU - I cosleep and have the disturbed nights with exhaustion. DH sleeps in the other room as he works but he takes over if I need him to in the daytime (useless at night)

Hand him the toddler, give him and kiss on the cheek and have a nap. If he has the full nights and can't be trusted, the least he can do is take over the daytime care as you catch up on some sleep.

CSIJanner Sat 14-Sep-13 10:44:13

Oh - and my DH was supposed to offer expressed milk in a cup, kept putting it off. In the end, the toddler watched bigger sibling and wanted to join in. Still wants BF but will take cows milk. Mine has now practically dropped daytime feeds bar one, then cluster feeds before sleep...

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 11:03:47

CSI -DC3 was just the same. She started stealing siblings milk cups at bed time and self-weaned at 17mo. She'd dropped daytime feeds before that.

DD4 is an absolute boob monster. Still wants (but doesn't always get!) 3 feeds in day, and can wake hourly in the night <yawn>

I'm feeling more awake now, and a little more rational! DH isn't speaking to me much now. Not sure if I'm being ignored or if he's avoiding any confrontation confused

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 14-Sep-13 11:14:50

I'm not sure I get all this if he can help stuff.

If he won't deal with the night terrors then he will just have to stay awake a few times just the same as you have to when the kids are disturbed.

You don't get a choice you just do it.

And he's not helping you out he's doing whats expected of a parent

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 13:35:59

I don't get it either sock

DH chased promotion, he got it and now he's always stressed, tired, negative. I don't really know what happened to the lovely man I married.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Sat 14-Sep-13 13:48:32

YANBU, WeAreSix. Lack of sleep makes even the most rational of us crazy and I was never that calm to start with and you are grappling with small children, long days and your DH's problems. Even without your DH's sleep issues, you'd have had a lot on your plate. Xxx

watchingout Sat 14-Sep-13 14:00:26

Weekends are made up of two potential lie-ins. So that's one each. Simple.

And eventually, when DC are bigger, you get back to sharing BOTH lie-ins with your DH

Andro Sat 14-Sep-13 14:25:24

He won't take the meds?

He was offered something to help with the night terrors but he declined?

I obviously don't know what job OP's DH does, but there are some jobs where taking sedatives would make work unsafe. Depending on the sedative, it can take many hours for the active metabolite to clear a person's system (some of the benzodiazepines for example can take over 15 hours for half the active metabolite to be excreted) - driving/using heavy machinery/anything where rapid reactions are needed would be potentially dangerous.

DorothyMantooth Sat 14-Sep-13 17:03:13

YADNBU. I only have one almost 6-month old, and last month found myself becoming exhausted, irrational and frantic because I was doing all of the night wakings (BFing) and taking all responsbility for housework, studying for a masters and trying to organise a house move. My fault, as I am quite the control freak, and I didn't want to bother DH who is having a stressful time with his work (for which he needs to be fully alert and intellectually active). I finally had a bit of a hissy fit and said I couldn't cope, and DH immediately insisted on taking over most of the housework and now gets up with DD when she wakes at 6 every morning, allowing me an extra hour in bed. It's not much in terms of time and doesn't really make a dent in the sleep I'm losing, but since we've started this I have felt so much more able to cope. Maybe it's just having that little bit of time to just do what I want (sleep), but really I think it's just knowing that we're in it together. Couldn't DH do the morning stuff until he needs to get ready for work, even just for the baby? How old are your other kids? Are they able to get themselves dressed? Could DH sort out their breakfast so that you can have half an hour to sleep/take a long shower?

I don't think this is just a practical problem though, it is concerning that your DH isn't more prepared to put himself out to support you. What would he think about some kind of relationship counselling? Maybe he'd reflect more on your situation if he was talking to a third, independent person?

lottiegarbanzo Sat 14-Sep-13 17:24:19

He definitely needs to get up early at least one day at the weekend, while you go back to sleep for a few hours.

Milk - have you tried expressing? Then you can mix breast milk with formula in increasing ratio, so she gradually accepts it, if you want to make that move. Worked for us. Dd also rejected formula on its own at first.

SunshineMMum Sat 14-Sep-13 17:32:39

YANBU haven't read the whole thread, but sleep deprivation is a nightmare. Has anyone suggested GP referral to a sleep clinic? I know for some people they can prescribe melatonin, or check to see if there is a medical prob. You do need some time off from the kids too pronto.

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 20:42:55

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I have spoken to DH today, not sure he quite gets it but he did take all DCs out for a while this afternoon so at least I've had a bit of a break.

Tomorrow is a new day <fingers crossed emoticon>

sameoldIggi Sat 14-Sep-13 20:59:14

Have just RTT to check if OP's DH has actually tried the meds, and found they made it too hard to work, or just decided from hearing the possible side effects that he couldn't take them.
It does seem that he has just opted out of trying to fix things or change them. Even when all the dcs are sleeping through the night (and I wish my 16 month old would stop co-sleeping if I just shushed/patted him!) the problem of the OP being scared of sleeping with her husband will remain.

Gossipmonster Sat 14-Sep-13 21:02:59

Having been a single mum to 3 (since birth of 3rd) and to be cruel to be kind it sounds like you need to be much stricter about bedtime routines with the older DC (ie: they do not cone into your bed in the night) and maybe it's time DD4 went in her own room/out of yours?

Also your "D" H sounds like he needs a kick up the arse.

Good luck x

WeAreSix Sat 14-Sep-13 21:26:05

No, he hasn't tried the meds. I can see why, and I'm not sure I'd want to either. He needs to be fully alert and orientated for work, and he'd also be unrousable at night, which neither of us were comfortable with.

We need to find a happy medium. I am scared of sleeping with him - the punches, being shaken, him being terrified and inconsolable - it's shit for both of us. At least it doesn't happen every night.

The older DC have good bedtime routines. The eldest rarely wakes in the night. DC2 occasionally has nightmares and settles fairly quickly with a cuddle and reassurance. DC3 is autistic - usually fantastic at night but takes longer to settle. The other night the smoke alarms were beeping which sent her into meltdown. It's just Sod's law that if / when they wake up its when I've just settled the baby and I'm falling asleep!

I know I need to address getting the youngest to sleep properly. I just need to summon the energy to do it!

Thanks again everyone. The honesty and advice is appreciated and taken on board.

SeaSickSal Sat 14-Sep-13 21:29:11

I feel really sorry for both of you. I think the best thing to do is for him to take the children for some time during the day to allow you to catch up on your sleep.

The night terrors thing really isn't his fault. But he does need to work to help you get some rest at other times.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 14-Sep-13 22:02:34

I've come back because I think there's some real unfairness here, it's bothered me and I want to emphasise that point to you - to show YANBU and share a couple of thoughts.

1) You both chose to have children. Not just you.

2) Is there anything stopping your DH from going to bed early, to make sure he gets plenty of sleep?

3) Why, really, apart from preference, could your DH not do the 6-7am shift with the children every day? Then he goes to bed at 10pm, gets a great night's sleep while you deal with the dcs but you get that hour (or more if poss) respite in the morning when you know you can doze.

I understand he works long hours but, depending when he leaves the house, if it's a while after some children are awake, he could cover some time each morning. That could make a real difference to how you feel. Knowing you're 'free' and won't be interrupted, even for a short time, is a really important thing to be able to look forward to, psychologically.

Whatever the weekday constraints, he can definitely do this at the weekend, for a longer time, say 6-9 or 10am. He can always nap in the afternoon. Or, he sleeps in on Saturday to recover from his week, then takes over at 9am, when you go back to bed for three hours and he takes the early shift on Sunday.

4) Following that point, it's the relentlessness of sleep deprivation, caused by the unpredictability of disruption, that makes it torture, literally. You NEED time to yourself to look forward to, a tiny oasis of predictability and control, to stay sane. Time to sleep and some waking 'me time' every week.

5) Once you've slept a bit, you'll have more energy to tackle the dcs' sleep issues. it will suddenly seem a lot more possible.

Ok, that's the practical stuff. Two hobby horse 'what is wrong with some people?' points:

1) You haven't quite said as much but convey that he thinks that, because of his stressful job, he has a right to sleep well during the week. Right? What right? Bestowed by whom? Following what negotiation with the person who has to service that 'right'?

It's the same issue as some people believing that because they work hard they 'deserve' dinner on the table and their feet up all evening. Dinner has to be cooked by someone. If you are parents, one of you has to do the night shift. These 'rights' cannot be plucked from the air and bestowed by fairies, just because one person feels they've done their bit. If you're single and you don't cook or buy dinner, you don't eat, however hard you've worked. If you're a single parent, or any parent without a house-slave, you sometimes get woken up at night or early in the morning, however hard you've worked. It can be hard and it isn't ideal but all sorts of people in responsible jobs live with it. If it's really, really essential that you sleep well before every day's work, you have a big negotiation to go through with your partner and need to offer a lot of what they want and the family needs (not just what you're most willing to offer) in compensation.

2) Where in hell does this idea that working people work 9-5 , 8-6 or whatever, yet SAHMs work or are on call 24/7 come from? It's nuts!

You both work during work and commuting hours. During evenings and weekends, or whatever time off the WOHP's shifts allow, you split the childcare, housework, leisure and family time equally. Obviously! How is anything else fair? How?

lottiegarbanzo Sat 14-Sep-13 22:04:10

Ooh, that was long! Your posts have awoken a couple of soapbox issues I find I need to air every couple of months!

ModeratelyObvious Sat 14-Sep-13 22:34:01

If someone knew I'd been up half the night and tried to help out by hoovering, of all chores, I would have got very shouty.

sameoldIggi Sat 14-Sep-13 22:48:41

I don't understand him not trying the meds, sorry. What if he experiences very few side effects? He will never know. We're not talking about him snoring or talking in his sleep, we're talking about him punching and shaking you, and pinning your dd up behind a bed. I would try anything to make sure I never frightened my partner and dcs like that sad not sure why he can't risk being off the ball at work for a month to see how it goes.

RevoltingPeasant Sun 15-Sep-13 13:50:03

OP,may I ask what your DH does? If he is a surgeon I can see he could not possibly feel poorly at work. But I have a quite stressful long hours professional job, and the parents of young DC I work with are often v sleep deprived and just need to get on with it. I mean, can't he even try the meds to see how bad the effect is on him?

If not, agree with others that you simply must make some compromise about him getting up. The PP suggestion that you get him to go to bed early and get up early is great.

And listen.... This is going to sound way harsh but.... My friend has a baby with a dairy allergy. She's ff but now they've found this allergy. Baby spits out all the milk alternatives they have found. But friend has no choice as dairy based stuff makes her ill. So the baby fussed for a while and then dealt with it. I know it sounds nasty but if you were tough about it you probably could wean here and get more sleep.

Tough choice, though x

Andro Sun 15-Sep-13 13:58:06

What if he experiences very few side effects?

It's not just side effects, for some jobs just having these meds in his system would be enough to prevent him doing his job (on safety grounds). Many of these medications take over 24 hours to completely clear a person's system (some far longer); even if the person in question were experiencing no clear effect, company insurance could well be void in the event of an accident/incident.

sameoldIggi Sun 15-Sep-13 14:44:48

He won't take the meds because of side effects - hangover type feeling & possible lack of concentration in the days. Neither are acceptable at work.

I don't think from the sound of this he is doing a construction/driving/pilot type job, though could obviously be wrong. And to be honest, if the alternative for potentially harming my spouse and dcs, I'd be taking the meds and looking for another, more appropriate line of work. I don't think he is viewing his condition very seriously - and as the OP picks up the slack, probably doesn't affect him too much.

Hi op, I don't have children so not in a position really to give advice, but why is your dh saying you have to go back to work? Is it because he'll be able to reduce his hours f you do?

How many hours will you be working? (sorry, not read all the thread).

Maybe by sharing the working hours/childcare/housework like this, you'd both be better off as dh will be less tired, so thetefore able to help you.

Tell me to shut up if I don't know what I'm talking about, but its just a thought, from the outside looking in xxx

BoozyBear Sun 15-Sep-13 16:57:34

what more can he do?

make it plain. he can take the kids for a few hours on a saturday and sunday morning and keep them downstairs, away from you while YOU SLEEP.

WeAreSix Tue 17-Sep-13 10:38:05

I wanted to come back to this thread, with a positive update.

On Saturday he took the DCs out and gave me some space. Much needed. We had a good long chat in the evening, and he really listened. He didn't realise how often DD had been waking in the night, and said he felt awful that once again his sleep problems are causing an issue between us (by being in a separate room).

Since then he has set his alarm an hour early so that he is awake for as soon as DD wakes, so he can take her and I can go back to sleep for an hour in the morning. I didn't ask him to do this, so he clearly understood that I need to sleep more than I have been.

He has made an appointment to see our GP to discuss the sleep study again, go over the suggestions the clinic made and to ask about an alternative to the heavy night sedation. He is also going to try and get out for a run in the evenings as exercise can also help with the sleep and obviously stress reduction. Again, I didn't ask him to do this. He wants to get it sorted as much as I do.

With regards to going back to work, we need me to go back to earn. He will not be able to reduce hours in his current role. While we were talking though, he said that he feels that he has missed the early years with the older DCs and hates that he is missing out still. Our conversation was interrupted (thanks DD4!), but we are going to talk again to look at his hours, my hours, potential for change so that he can spend more time with the DCs, hopefully more time as a family and to go over our income / outgoings once again so that we aren't wasting any money.

I listened to him, too, and heard things that I didn't realise were problems for him. I'm glad we talked, and I'm sure that we can get through this together.

Thanks again for all of the advice.

ModeratelyObvious Tue 17-Sep-13 10:58:32

Sounds good.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 17-Sep-13 11:07:18

I really hope things have turned the corner for you. Thanks for the update.

WeAreSix Tue 17-Sep-13 11:16:16

I hope so too, Donkeys.

It's so easy to get caught up in life, worries, anger. And forget to talk to each other.

I think I've slipped down the PND road without realising I'm there (again, had PND after DD1) so I need to address that, too.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 17-Sep-13 11:36:33

Good idea, see your GP, it could be that PND has built up. Or you simply need more sleep and things with DH piled on the pressure. Best to address this before new job starts, anyway.

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