A moan

(117 Posts)
coppered Sat 14-Sep-13 08:30:34

Just wanted a moan and ask if other DH are like this?
We've got a little 6 month old. Which I stay at home and look after and DH goes out to work. Which he works hard, but he thinks I sit a round all day doing nothing. But little man seems to take up my who day.
What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.
But DH has never had to change a nappy, give little one a bath. He sleeps in a different room so not woken up at night. Which I don't moan at all to him. All though i think it wrong him not sleeping in the bed. So why is he a wanker and moans to me thinking he does everything. Forgot to add when DH has cooked tea he has a little play with little man then falls asleep in chair. He also moans about how hard he works! confused

mumofboyo Sat 14-Sep-13 08:42:37

I think you're letting him get away with it.

Leave your son with him for a while, without prior warning or preparation. Just go. For a couple of hours. Then come back and moan about the state of the house and the fact that your dinner's not ready. Then, after having a jolly half hour playing with your son, go upstairs and sleep, leaving your husband to it.

When he moans, tell him that this is what you have to put up with. And that now he knows how hard it actually is, he should be willing to do more. You know, to do his bit. If he won't, consider leaving him.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 14-Sep-13 08:43:52

I think you should cook some tea too.

On a Sunday, hand over DS and happily declare it's bonding hour for he and baby.

Get thee to the kitchen, turn on the radio, make a massive pot of bolognaise, chilli con carne, stew, casserole, etc. Cool, throw in tubs, and freeze.

During the week, take out tub, defrost, heat. Throw on some pasta, rice, etc.

Win, win. You get a break, he gets his tea.

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 09:04:46

Can only speak for myself here that isn't my DH's attitude and if it were we'd be having serious words!

We both do our best - he works 9-5, I look after DD then work a few evenings a week.

I do as much as humanly possible during the day to make life easier for us at evenings/weekends. When he gets home, he baths DD while I wash up from dinner etc...

Working together when we're both here means more free time for everyone in that by the time DD is in bed we have our evening free with no more chores/clearing up to do!

This morning he got DD up and breakfasted before waking me. There's no mentality of any one thing being the other's sole responsibility by default when we're both at home.

He changed all DD's nappies on paternity leave as he felt I was spending enough time on breast feeding etc...

He got up at night to help if needed and went to work the next day.

Not saying he (or I) are some perfect couple but I think it's important to respect what the other does and your DH isn't doing that.

MortifiedAdams Sat 14-Sep-13 09:08:24

When I was on Mat Leave, dh would get in at 5.30 anx do the bath bottle bed routine while I cooked dinner. Would that work for you?

I am astounded and angry on your behalf that has never done a nappy or a bath. Why are you letting him get away wirh this?

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 09:09:01

P.s coming into winter I'll be mostly chucking meat and veg in the slow cooker in the mornings and then tea's ready whenever smile

CaptainSweatPants Sat 14-Sep-13 09:10:16

Sorry to be harsh but if you had older kids you'd be doing the school run, cooking them meals & looking after your ds

It doesn't take much to shove a chicken in the oven, boil some spuds & veg in time for him to be home

It's crap he doesn't sleep in your bed though & he's moaning at you

Ledkr Sat 14-Sep-13 09:11:04

No not ALL men are like this but some are especially if you let then get away with it.
He needs to have ds on his own a bit (quite normal) to appreciate how hard it is.
I also think if you have time to cook for both of you then do but he shouldn't get annoyed if you don't.
I cook on my days off because I want to eat and I enjoy it but I don't feel response suble for another grown adults nutrition at all. He has arms and legs doesn't he?
He can cook his own dinner if you have no time.

Coconutty Sat 14-Sep-13 09:11:14

He should be doing nappies etc but I agree that you should cook dinner.

JerseySpud Sat 14-Sep-13 09:15:13

If you are a stay at home mum then yes you should be cooking the dinner.

Its not hard to cook dinner when your PFB is asleep.

I don't think he is being a wanker. He's tired, coming home from work and you've basically done nothing.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Sat 14-Sep-13 09:16:50

Sorry but I think you are as bad as each other, if you are at home and he is working, then you should cook supper and do the daily housework etc. But, he should also look after the baby and take his turn changing nappies and bathing.
It sounds like you need to sit down and discuss it amicably, you've had a huge change in your lives with the baby arriving six months ago - but time now to take stock together and work out how you are going to do things.

MortifiedAdams Sat 14-Sep-13 09:17:42

Depends what time you have dinner though. DH and I have never been the type to eat as soon as we walk through the door. We eat around 7.30, so no point cooking to have a meal ready for 5.30 that neither of us will want to eat.

You could cook weekdays and he could cook weekends?

Morgause Sat 14-Sep-13 09:18:43

Have to agree, you should be cooking his dinner. I used to do the preparation when the DCs were napping.

He should help out at night more, though, especially weekends.

Have a look at your day to see where the time goes, as has been said you could have a lot more to do than you have and will soon as DC gets older.

RobotHamster Sat 14-Sep-13 09:21:40

I'd go out for the day. Now.

Selfish idiot. Why the hell doesnt he do nappies? When DP is at home he does ALL the nappy changes, on the basis that that's still nowhere near half of then. I do generally sort dinner, but he's often not back before 7pm any and he does all the cleaning up.afterwards. he also does half the night feeds.

Just because you're on mat leave doesn't make you his personal skivvy.

I see two sides here, firstly you should be cooking his dinner, as after all he isn't in to prepare it himself and he has been out all day.

But secondly he should put your ds to bed or help out on his days off, for example help with bedtime/bath
& cook a meal on one of those days.

I would get annoyed at him assuming i do nothing, that isn't on at all!
But you should have time to make a simple dinner.

It's about give and take, yes he works but you need a break too, like he does when he lies on the sofa napping. You should be getting a rest on one of his days off.

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 09:28:13

*If you are a stay at home mum then yes you should be cooking the dinner.

Its not hard to cook dinner when your PFB is asleep.

I don't think he is being a wanker. He's tired, coming home from work and you've basically done nothing*

No she hasn't always cooked dinner that doesn't mean she has done nothing!

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 09:28:21

*If you are a stay at home mum then yes you should be cooking the dinner.

Its not hard to cook dinner when your PFB is asleep.

I don't think he is being a wanker. He's tired, coming home from work and you've basically done nothing*

No she hasn't always cooked dinner that doesn't mean she has done nothing!

MortifiedAdams Sat 14-Sep-13 09:33:22

Being off on Mat Leave isnt 'doing nothing'. Housework. Trip to the park. A playgroup or baby class. Add in two tea breaks and a lunchbreak (as her dh has), and thats almost a full day.

Ledkr Sat 14-Sep-13 09:36:25

I can't believe how many of you think it's a Sahm job to cook dinner. Yes it's nice and most of us do it but its not anyone's "duty" to feed another able bodied adult.
How very old fashioned.

MortifiedAdams Sat 14-Sep-13 09:37:58

Also, what happens when both adults are working - who cooks then?

"well, ive been at work all day"
"so have I"
"so have I" etc.

RobotHamster Sat 14-Sep-13 09:38:53

Yy,and it would be one thing if that's all he was moaning about, but it doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight at all.

Does he ever have to look after the baby? Do you ever get time to yourself OP?

FreeWee Sat 14-Sep-13 09:40:49

I do love the fact men think when you're at home all day you're sitting around watching day time TV, in your PJs, eating cake and drinking loads of cups of tea. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN once you have children (OK maybe when they're 16/18/21!)

Looking after a 6 month old is time consuming. When you're not milk feeding you're weaning, getting them to sleep, getting them dressed/washed/creamed, changing their bum, washing up their bowls & spoons and turning the bomb site back into your dining area, refreshing the stuff in the change bag, emptying pooey bins, washing clothes, hanging them up, ironing them, cleaning the house, preparing their next meal/activity etc. And all that is as well as keeping them safe, happy, playing with them, teaching them things etc! Yep. You've got loads of time to prepare meals for him! I would ask your DH when do I get time off?

I'm lucky as my DH does nappies, baths and cooks all our meals and prepares all our DDs meals which are frozen and I just defrost. In turn I look after her all day and once she's in bed I get my night until the dream feed. I do the cleaning, washing, ironing and household budgeting in my 'free time' so not all night to myself! Also my DH and I take it in turns to go into her if she wakes in the night so one of us always gets a better nights sleep than the other each night so we're not both frazzled or more likely I'm not completely frazzled!

My DD doesn't nap that much during the day so I'm always on duty and never get much chance to prepare things during the day. In her morning nap I have a shower and breakfast then at lunch I make lunch and clear up her lunch stuff then she's pretty much up again! Tell your DH he's had it good so far and to start pulling his weight. It's his child too and it doesn't sound like his life has changed that much since becoming a parent. It should have done.

hulahooper2 Sat 14-Sep-13 09:43:11

can't see why you have a problem with making dinner , but as suggested cook ahead and freeze , or buy a slow cooker.

hulahooper2 Sat 14-Sep-13 09:43:30

can't see why you have a problem with making dinner , but as suggested cook ahead and freeze , or buy a slow cooker.

Ledkr Sat 14-Sep-13 09:45:55

What if the op can't cook it doesn't like cooking should she still cook then?
Especially as he doesn't help with the baby why should she feed him he's not a child?

FreeWee Sat 14-Sep-13 09:48:22

JerseyMum

^If you are a stay at home mum then yes you should be cooking the dinner.

Its not hard to cook dinner when your PFB is asleep.

I don't think he is being a wanker. He's tired, coming home from work and you've basically done nothing.^

Really??? You've never been a SAHM have you? Read my post above. When do I have time to cook dinner? My PFB barely sleeps during the day. 45 mins in the morning when I clear away breakfast, put a washing load on, have a shower and have my breakfast. Then 30 mins at lunch where I clear away the lunch things, have my lunch and hang out the washing.

He's coming home tired from work but she's been at work all day too, looking after their child! Basically done nothing again, read my post above. That is a full days work in my book. My sister actually says she goes to work for a break as her £60k a year job in sales is easier that looking after her 2 DCs! Keeping a child safe and happy is a full time job which is pretty exhausting and you can't choose your own breaks like you can in a job. Oh I'm a bit flagging I'll go and make a cup of tea. Not if your child is teething and melts down everytime you leave the room! You just go thirsty!

Ledkr Sat 14-Sep-13 09:51:20

I'm more likely to cook after a work day too.
Surely a Sahm is there to take care of kids not a grown man!
A meal is a nice thing to do but not part of her role.
Dh- works at job
Dw-works at home.
Both responsible for their empty stomachs!

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 14-Sep-13 09:59:35

I had a baby who never slept and one that did....when the one who didn't sleep was up and I wanted to cook, I just popped her in her basket in the kitchen with the radio on and chatted to her while I cooked. Yes she yelled a bit at times but she's 9 and fine....so it didn't harm her.

A SAHM is there to look after the kids....but it's not hard to peel some vegetables and make a basic meal either! Takes about 15 minutes if you keep it simple.

I am home with my 6 month old DD, and I'm sorry but I don't particularly find it hard to cook dinner. I pop her in her highchair, give her some boiled-soft carrots or sweet potato to play with/munch on, and get on with it.

That saying, every baby is different and every household is different.

My DP would never expect me to have it done, and on particularly taxing days he's come home to no dinner and been absolutely fine with that.

I've got no expectations on how his workday has turned out so he has none on how I've managed the household.

However, we have a mutual respect for each other, which is what your DP could do with a massive dose of!

I know I need a break sometimes and I enjoy cooking so handing baby over to him for an hour so I can make some freezable stuff is quite therapeutic for me. If you don't like to cook, OP, your DP needs to understand this and find ways to work around it.

It's nice to have an equal partnership, not feeling like you're expected to do anything.

mrspremise Sat 14-Sep-13 10:06:21

^this^^^. Baked Potatoes with different fillings every night; cheese, chilli, tuna mayo. It does get better once they sit in a high chair and can play with their toys on the tray while you crack on with other bits and bobs, at 6m that shouldn't be too far off smile

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 14-Sep-13 10:16:26

That's right....I forgot OPs baby is 6 months...that's not a screamy newborn...and they can watch tv for 20 mins too! That's fine while you cook.

paperclipsarebetterthanstaples Sat 14-Sep-13 10:18:13

I think you should be able to cook dinner... I also think he should be pulling his weight with nappies and think that your child should maybe be in its own room by now so you can get back to sleeping together. Just my opinion though.

I second batch cooking. We still do it now we're both working ft. Life saver - 10 mins to heat up and only 1 or 2 pans to wash up :-)

coppered Sat 14-Sep-13 10:23:12

I should of said I do tea some nights but not every night. Pianododdle that's a gd idea about the slow cooker wink.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Sat 14-Sep-13 10:26:22

Well that's a turnaround OP....shouldn't you have said "Dh wants tea cooked every night and sometimes I can't be arsed" you made it look like you never cooked.

We all can't be bothered sometimes...that's what takeaways are for.

My DS is 5 months and is now at the entertain me stage. He now gets bored very easily and won't sit still for two minutes. Unfortunately, he's still too little that he can't sit and play by himself. It's exhausting. Unfortunately, he's not a great sleeper through the day, and will only have a decent nap on my lap, and will wake up as soon as I attempt to put him in his cot.

I do try to get tea on the go for DH coming home from work, mainly so we're not eating really late when DS is starting to get tired and grumpy. However, I've yet to cook a full meal without DS needing to be picked up - even with him sat in his his bouncer or walker in the kitchen with me.

No way does DH expect tea on the table, and is pleasantly surprised if I manage to present something shortly after he walks through the door. Saying that, I do tend to cook more than needed so I can freeze the rest and have a microwave leftovers tea every now and then,

He does however, make up for his time away from DS when he gets in by completely taking over (with exception of the BF) to give me a break until bedtime.
He's just finished a week off work and continually made comment about how much hard work DS was hmm I think he's looking forward to getting back to work for a bit of a break!

Your DH really needs to step up a gear and help you out when he's home. Your 'job' at the moment is looking after your DS and you deserve some me time too!

Maggietess Sat 14-Sep-13 10:35:08

I'm currently off after baby 3 and although it's tricky, planning ahead means that I do tend to have a dinner made for us all to sit down to when my dh gets home unless he's home late in which he case I have read kids fed. Trying to combine this with a toddler group, ds's naps, school drop off and two pick ups, as well as actually trying to tackle the housework is tricky but doable, most days. It generally involves making dinner while he's sleeping at around 230 so one pots all round!

And there are some days where ds is having some spectacular melt down and I go for an easy dinner for the kids instead (soup & rolls etc).

BUT I was never ever able to achieve this when I had dd1 only. She was my pfb, I was exhausted cus she never, ever bloody slept and I was finding it overwhelming just surviving a day at home never mind cooking. I used to pray that dh would get out early to come rescue me! grin

Anyhow, what we did was he came home and minded dd1, did bathing, bedtime etc whilst I shut myself in the kitchen and made us our dinner. This is when I discovered I loved cooking and it became my little sanctuary for an hour each day.

Whilst it is entirely possible to have dinner made, I'm not sure mentally it's possible all the time when it's your first baby and they don't sleep well. Especially if oh isn't helping in the evenings. Don't beat yourself up about it!

Satnightdropout Sat 14-Sep-13 10:36:35

Whilst I think he's being a bit of an idiot by sleeping in separate beds, not helping with bedtime routine etc... I do wonder how you're so occupied with a 6 month old. Not saying it's not hard cos it bloody well is. I have a 2 month old and a 2 and a half year old and whilst partners at work I do all washing up from night before, washing, hoovering etc...take them out for some fresh air and then get kids lunches, dinners organised. I make the most of the nap times.

However, I will add, that these are done sporadically throughout the day as they can be done whenever. Whereas dinner is at a set time and I suppose you're relying on baby either sleeping, being occupied etc....which isn't always going to happen.

Childcare is shared when partners home and he helps with night feeds etc...

I've worked some long, hard jobs and they're nothing compared to being a sahm and I think partner realises this. Get a list from partner of what he expects done throughout the day, including dinner sorted etc..and then leave him with baby unexpectedly one weekend and then come back asking why all that he demanded hasn't been done.

Oh and a baby carrier are life savers, can get stuff done during the day whilst comforting baby smile

RobotHamster Sat 14-Sep-13 10:37:59

OP cooking dinner is fine.

Is the expectation that she will which is not, especially if he's a lazy fuck who does nothing in the house and nothing with the baby.

RobotHamster Sat 14-Sep-13 10:42:04

I also think a lot of you have forgotten what having a 6mo is like. DS would get really screamy by late afternoon and just wouldn't be put down... If DP had walked in and demanded dinner I would not have been impressed!

As it was,he would walk in,take DS from me and occupyhim while I had 10 mins to myself to scream into a pillow because that's what a normal,supportive and helpful partner does

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 10:46:49

Well that's a turnaround OP....shouldn't you have said "Dh wants tea cooked every night and sometimes I can't be arsed" you made it look like you never cooked

It's not a turnaround at all. The OP's first post doesn't say she never cooked. It says she doesn't always get the chance... not the same as "can't be arsed" either so I do see why she should have said that if it isn't true!

Akray Sat 14-Sep-13 12:31:17

YABU ~ astonishing that as a stay at home mum with 1 DC, you can't organise an evening meal ~ what do you do all day?!?

Agree with a previous comment ~ what would you do if you had other DC and a school run etc to factor into your day?

I have a 6 month old, 3 DC at primary school and 1DC at nursery and can easily organise an evening meal for all DC and DH ~ it's not rocket science. How hard can tea be?

coppered Sat 14-Sep-13 14:50:38

My little man isn't the best at having a a nap in the day and some days by afternoon he gets grumpy. he won't let me put him down at all because he starts screaming. hmm

Ledkr Sat 14-Sep-13 14:59:17

Bully for you Akray! Some people struggle more than others and some babies are more demanding than others.
Did you mean to be so patronising?

Ledkr Sat 14-Sep-13 15:00:59

Op. don't worry about it. If dh can't be arsed to occasionally help with his child then why should you cook his flaming dinner!
Ridiculous

What happens on the weekend?

YANBU OP. Some of us don't leave our babies to cry or watch TV at 6 months old. Guidelines is no TV for the first three years. I don't follow that but I did at 6 months.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sat 14-Sep-13 15:06:37

If DH told me he expected me to cook his dinner because I'm a SAHM or moaned at me for not having it ready when he got home, I'd tell him to fuck off. Sometimes I cook dinner, sometimes he does. Just depends who has the time and inclination.

OP, it doesn't sound like you have much balance when it comes to division of labour at home. Can you sit down with your DH and split the domestic tasks so you both feel you're doing a fair share and nobody feels hard done by? He absolutely needs to pitch in with baby care, if not to ease the pressure on you, then at least for a bit of bonding time!

Coppered that would be ridiculously hard to cope with and you have every right to moan...he should not be expecting anything from you! He should come in and make YOU dinner. smile

coppered Sat 14-Sep-13 16:45:38

On a Saturday DH goes out and does a few jobs with work. But on a Sunday he does very little, he says it's his day of rest and deserves a break!

Ask him what day is your day of rest?

mumofboyo Sat 14-Sep-13 20:18:27

When do you have a day, nay, an hour of rest? As I said in my 1st post, if I were you, I'd take the day off, without asking or preparing anything. Just go. For an afternoon as they're normally more stressful. See how well your partner copes and if you have a dinner ready to come home to.
He needs to realise exactly how difficult it is looking after needy children all day. Yes he's at work, but he gets regular breaks, drinks, lunch, toilet trips etc. All of which are built into the day. And he more than likely isn't harassed when doing any of the above.

As an aside, if you're struggling to find time to prepare meals for yourself, make a packed lunch the night before or buy in cheap, quick snack meals so you can just grab something during the day.
Get a slow cooker, as has already been mentioned, and make big meals such as chilli, curry, stew etc quickly with relatively little prep. Then you have enough for all 3 of you for 2 days.

Viviennemary Sat 14-Sep-13 20:26:37

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to expect his tea to be cooked most days.

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 20:27:13

At 6 months sometimes a breastfeed was inevitable for whatever reason at the time I'd normally make dinner! It takes time to adjust and find the best way of getting things done and even then it doesn't always goes to plan.

I find people who say "how hard can it be?" to either be very forgetful, have a very obliging baby or just plain smug and unhelpful tbh.

The real point here is not whether dinner gets done by the OP every night but whether she is unreasonable to be cross that her DH moans if it isn't done yet doesn't do enough to help when they're both at home. He is being unreasonable.

pianodoodle Sat 14-Sep-13 20:29:47

FWIW my DH's reply to me mentioning your husband's expectations was "really? What a knob end!"

ThePuffyShirt Sat 14-Sep-13 20:44:40

I don't think it is a big ask for you to prepare or cook dinner.

But if you have had a hard day within your 'Little man' (bleurgh), your OH should understand.

Has he really never changed a nappy or given him a bath? That is odd.

purrpurr Sat 14-Sep-13 20:45:06

Crikey, some proper characters on this thread.

jeanmiguelfangio Sat 14-Sep-13 21:56:40

my DH is a shift worker so he is home in the evening for probably only half the month. When he gets in, he gets changed and is handed a baby. He takes over and I cook for all three of us. I have a 6 month old pfb too and she is a nightmare and constantly needs entertainment, not do I have a huge kitchen to be able to take her in with me. I rely on frozen things and quick cook things from fresh (fajitas etc) that way it is not that long from him getting in and dinner.
On the other hand, my DH starts work at midday this week and he gets up with DD in the morning, lets me have a lay in and spends time with her because otherwise he wouldn't see her for three/four days straight. He also does half of everything. It started this way because i have PND and found it very hard to cope, and get into a routine myself. he is an absolute star. he takes her to bounce amd rhyme too at the library, thats their special time, and they both adore it. Yes some days it's rough and I CBA but that night is for the kebab shop!!!!

audweb Sat 14-Sep-13 22:23:53

I have a 7 month old and a partner that works full time shifts. There is no expectation that I should have dinner ready for him, and it's a matter of give and take - he leaves his job at the end of the day, and although he does need some 'downtime' for a short while, so does the OP. My partner cooks the most - but he also manages to change nappies/give baths occasionally, but he doesn't do nights as I BF. I do most of the cleaning, and shopping, and cook sometimes, but sometimes it's hard, and as the day goes on, I sometimes don't manage to cook until she has gone to bed. I think his expectations are way off, and it's a two way street - a grown man should be able to help out in whatever way he can.

Akray Sun 15-Sep-13 13:06:28

OP / Ledkr ~ did not at all mean to sound patronising but am genuinely surprised that a SAHM with 1DC can't have a meal organised. Perhaps DH expects a gourmet 3 course meal? That is where I am failing ~ I regularly just do a 'slow cooker' meal, bowls of pasta etc which can be prepared anytime during the day (when DC are sleeping /quiet). I honestly wouldn't expect my DH to have been out working all day and to then cook an evening meal, although it is a treat if he does smile

DameFanny Sun 15-Sep-13 13:44:45

Akray - so when you worked full time who cooked for you?

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 14:54:52

This thread isnt about whether its possible to get an evening meal organised while you're looking after a 6mo. Its about being expected to. Big bloody difference.

DP would never be like this. If he came home and dinner wasn't sorted he'd assume i'd had a bad day or something and cook something himself or sort a takeaway.

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 15:01:18

This is reminding me of a discussion our NCT group had while we were all still on mat leave. The others were all happy doing absolutely everything at home and were astounded when I said DP did cooking, nappy changing and night feeds. I that we shared most household jobs and they looked at me in horror. It hadn't occured to them at all... Very weird.

Granted,DS was a very difficult baby and very very hard work.. maybe they had sleeping children who were happy to just lie in the pram while they baked cakes.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 15:32:29

I agree robot you just do what you can when you can, no expectation on either side.
I will never feel responsible for feeding a grown man.

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:10:25

I do have very high expectations of DP, but more than I expect support and understanding.

I'm not saying that OP shouldn't cook/clean/whatever. I'm saying that being on mat leave doesn't automatically make you someone else's skivvy just because they have a full time job.
(let's leave aside the fact that being at work all day is often easier than being at home all day with a 6mo - esp when its your first)

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:11:18

*that I expect

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 16:15:27

I have been a SAHM with three children. It was never so bad that I couldn't cobble something together for an evening meal for goodness sake. If this is too hard for you, just wait until you've got a toddler and a new baby. I know as exhausting as it was on some days there were other days where I fannied around on my arse all day. It's a perk of an otherwise difficult and tedious job.

Come on, get a grip, you can't expect him to come in after a day at work and cook dinner when you've been there all day - even when babies are awake it is ok to put them down so you can use your arms, you know! Start to plan your meals a bit better and batch cook for the freezer, in anticipation of the occasional tough day.

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:17:24

Oh ny god.. that isn't the point! Argh!

Thurlow Sun 15-Sep-13 16:18:40

Seems simple to me - your DP thinks you should have done more around the house because he doesn't know what it's like being at home all day with a baby.

Your both parents now. You both work, you both need a bit of time off. If your baby isn't one that is happy for you to put him down and get on with things then he is just as hard work as your DH's job.

If you don't make or let him see that then he's not going to magically understand that.

6 months and he's never had a day's holiday and been in during the day to change nappies?

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:22:46

"If you don't make or let him see that then he's not going to magically understand that."

Very good point. He probably doesn't have a clue.

Thurlow Sun 15-Sep-13 16:26:00

Before I had a baby I thought they'd just lie their cooing to themselves and you could get loads done grin

I honestly don't think it is rocket science and I find it so sad that so many women, whether consciously or unconsciously, slip into this pattern of doing everything with and for the baby, and the man gets a pass.

pianodoodle Sun 15-Sep-13 16:31:04

This thread isnt about whether its possible to get an evening meal organised while you're looking after a 6mo. Its about being expected to. Big bloody difference

Exactly. Adding in the fact that he doesn't do much to help makes his expectation even less fair.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:35:30

Come on, get a grip, you can't expect him to come in after a day at work and cook dinner!
Erm am I missing something? What would he do if he wasn't married? What do single people do after a day at work?
Why I was a single parent and used to cook for give after a 12 hr shift, working doesn't render you incapable if doing anything else!
Anyway,the ops dh does nothing to make her life any easier after a hard day and night with their baby so why should she be doing it for him?

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:37:48

Sorry the first two lines were a quote from subliminal
Not my own words (thank god)

pianodoodle Sun 15-Sep-13 16:39:10

Come on, get a grip, you can't expect him to come in after a day at work and cook dinner when you've been there all day

grin Wow someone had you well trained! I wouldn't feel so smug in that position. Poor DH soo tired from slogging his guts out all day he can't possibly move another muscle.

I think you need to take that grip back for yourself smile

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:41:32

piano you do know that wasn't me who said that don't you? As if?

RobotHamster Sun 15-Sep-13 16:43:18

Thank god some sensible people have appeared on the thread, I was wondering if I'd been transported back to the 50s (or MILs house wink )

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:45:03

Yeah come on girls get a grip, leave your babies to cry in misery and spend your days chained to the kitchen batch fucking cooking instead of enjoying your maternity leave, feed your menfolk for gods sake don't you know they will starve or leave you if you don't see to their nutritional requirements

Ffs it's not the 1940s you know!

TheCrackFox Sun 15-Sep-13 16:49:37

He has never changed a nappy, bathed the baby and sleeps in a separate room to ensure he gets a good night's sleep!!! What a lazy, selfish, arrogant arse.

Listening to some of the Step for wives on here I am seriously worried about childless men. Maybe they starve of an evening because they don't have little wifey "cobbling" something together for him.

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 16:55:32

Yes but he is married, he's married to someone who is at home for as many hours a day as she wants or needs to be, unlike him. he goes If they both worked then of course I would not be saying that, but he does, she doesn't, and there is only one six month old child - not a house of marauding toddlers a school run to do, and a small home business to run FFS. This is nothing to do with gender roles or being stuck in the 50's it's about a fair and even distribution of the practical chores. I couldn't give a stuff whether it's the man or the woman who cooks or looks after the baby or whether neither of them look after their own child, pay someone else and live on M&S ready meals 7 days a week.

The fact is, the OP is able to prep something to eat at some point in the day, she's able to get it in the oven without having to dash in after a commute and immediately start slaving over the stove. Her DH isn't.

All this 'little man takes up my whole day' nonsense, well yes, they will do that, if you let them, a bit like MN really grin but are we seriously to believe that looking after one baby is so demanding that you can't be expected to do knock up a bit of dinner as well? In between sitting in Starbucks with a baby on my knee, chatting to all my mummy mates, or going to Musical Baby Einsteins or whatever, and watching a bit of shit daytime telly? confused

Because I'll tell you what, if that's the case, I must have been some fucking kind of superwoman. Go me.

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 16:57:33

Ok I accept the stuff about the bath/nappies/sleeping is odd and rather selfish, but I think if you are a SAHM and your DH doesn't go out at 8am and waltz in at 4pm then you should get the bloody dinner on, 9 times out of 10.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 16:59:56

Do how about him not helping then? I'd that ok or is it just the op who has to be thoughtful and care about her partner.
He has NEVER changed a nappy, he sleeps in another room so he isn't disturbed fgs.
There'd be no man on this earth who'd treat me this way and get fucking dinner cooked!

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 17:00:27

And it's not a question of DH being too tired to move another muscle (although at times that has been true, as it has been for me at times.) It's because DH was not there all day and if I waited for him to start prepping and cooking after he'd got in and got his suit off we'd all be eating at midnight!

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 17:02:15

X post there but I still disagree.
It's a Sahm job to look after the child not the other partner.
Most people can and will manage to cook some good but shouldn't be expected to or moaned at if its not done.

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 17:04:38

Admittedly I did not see that bit in the OP at first blush I read up to

What my DH moans about is when he comes home I should Have cooked the tea. Which I don't really get chance very often with little man.

here, and just thought WTF? And posted on impulse. confused

Sorry - my fault. He doesn't sound great I admit, but I still REALLY REALLY do think it's the SAHP's job to cook the dinner.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 17:05:30

I cook on my days off cos I like to and we all need to eat but if I'm out or busy or can't be arsed I don't feel it's my duty.
I hardly cooked in the school holidays cos we were at the pool or beach until 7. Dh would to ring me and either join us after work or get something on for when we came home.
It's a partnership.

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 17:07:20

It's not about 'looking after' the other partner, it's about accepting that your day will be rather more flexible than theirs, and part of being based at home every day means that certain household roles will inevitably fall to you. Not all of it, all of the time, but most of it. Of course you are there primarily to care for the child but that does not take up all day every day. It just doesn't. I know it doesn't. (serious SNs excluded before anyone starts on that old chestnut.) If it did we'd all have slit our own wrists long ago.

TheCrackFox Sun 15-Sep-13 17:07:51

Yeah, yeah doesn't matter how fucking miserable and exhausted a new mum is so long as her DH gets fed the minute he walks through the door then everything is A ok.

pianodoodle Sun 15-Sep-13 17:08:27

piano you do know that wasn't me who said that don't you? As if

Lol yes I was quoting sublimina's post smile

MmmmWhiteWine Sun 15-Sep-13 17:15:26

I expect to be flamed for this but the comments that the OP can't cook dinner because she's so busy with her baby are ridiculous. What will she do if she ever has another baby? Will the older children not eat? Not get taken to school? Yes, it's hard work looking after a newborn but life goes on and you don't need to be with them to the exclusion of all else 24/7.....let them nap/lie on a mat/whatever while you make something quick and easy for tea, at least a few nights a week.

Having said all that the OP does need to give her DH a kick up the backside and get him changing nappies and doing bathtubs.

TheCrackFox Sun 15-Sep-13 17:20:30

MmmmWhiteWine - I think you'll find most posters on here have a couple of kids and know the difficulties faced. However, it doesn't mean that her lazy arse husband should expect to be waited on hand and foot. He can (and should) cook dinner a few nights a week as it won't bloody kill him, oh, and he can pull his weight with his own child too.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 17:22:53

Yes but it's about the ops dh getting pissed off when she's not cooked for him especially as he dies fuck all to help her with their child.
My dh has just suggested the op cooks dinner in the evening after handing over the baby to her dh.
It's not about be able to cook its about being expected to!

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 17:24:40

Hands up who cooks dinner after a day at work?
Cos I do and so does dh.

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 17:25:19

And as far as her job not being to 'look after him' goes - how would we feel if he came in, said 'don't worry love, I know you've been busy, I'll sort myself out' and cooked his own tea, and didn't cook her any? I can't imagine that would go down too well would it?

So she doesn't have to 'look after' him because she's busy with a baby, but unless she's prepared to starve all evening presumably she'd quite like him to look after her? God forbid he should sort himself out and leave her to fend for herself. hmm

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 17:25:56

The simple fact is the one with the most time at home, most days, should be the one to cook for the other. And in this case it would appear to be her.

MmmmWhiteWine Sun 15-Sep-13 17:26:48

Er,*Crackfox*, think that's pretty much what is said....

TheCrackFox Sun 15-Sep-13 17:26:51

I think the Op should go back to work as soon as her maternity leave is over. Marriages to sexist pigs never celebrates their 25th wedding anniversaries nowadays.

Cluffyflump Sun 15-Sep-13 17:26:58

I wouldn't feel like cooking for someone who treats me like shit.

MmmmWhiteWine Sun 15-Sep-13 17:27:18

Sorry...that's pretty much what I said...

Romann Sun 15-Sep-13 17:28:38

Why's everyone focusing on who cooks the dinner? The problem seems to be that OP feels like she's being treated like a doormat, but isn't quite sure whether it's appropriate to object. I don't see any rights and wrongs about who cooks dinner, but it seems to me that her H showing an interest in the baby and doing some fatherly tasks in the evening would make a big difference.

OP you need to talk to him and tell him you're not happy with the situation and to try to understand how he really feels about it.

Some dads don't really get it, especially with babies. My dh used to hand me ds1 as soon as he started crying. Like I wanted to be the one always having to deal with the crying baby confused . By ds3 he had improved to perfection grin

SubliminalMassaging Sun 15-Sep-13 17:30:27

Can't argue with that Romann but the OP was very focused on the cooking thing and how she can't possibly be expected to fit it into her schedule.

MummyBeerest Sun 15-Sep-13 17:40:25

I think I'd talk to my husband, tell him I feel overwhelmed, and try to brainstorm ideas (though batch cooking is a flipping godsend for us,) to make the day a little easier for everyone.

Communication should be key. Talking instead of "moaning" goes over a lot better in these situations.

BooCanary Sun 15-Sep-13 17:45:40

Apart from when I've been ill, or if the DCs have been ill, I can't think of a time I haven't cooked tea when I've been home in the day and DH has been in work.

However, that's because I prefer it that way, it means we have more time in the evening, I'd rather DH spent his time bathing the DCs than cooking, I enjoy it, and because I am a control freak. However if DH ever told me it was my JOB to cook the dinner, he'd be wearing it on his fucking head!

OP, I think you need to work out whether your DH is merely ignorant about how you spend your time, or if he is just a complete fuckwit. If I were you, I'd sit him down and tell him you are completely happy to cook the tea every single night, and you will do so whilst he is bathing and playing with DS. You will ensure it is ready for him WHEN he comes down from settling DS.

Topseyt Sun 15-Sep-13 18:14:56

Your husband seems to have little or no understanding of how much work it is to look after a baby, even one who is 6 months old. There seems to be no teamwork there at all. He needs to understand that maternity leave is NOT a holiday. It is hard work.

That said though, I think you both need to compromise a bit.

I am a SAHM. I cook dinner. However, when my children were very young I struggled a lot more than I do now. It is true though that when/if you eventually have an toddler and another baby you will have to adapt your routines to allow you to prepare meals for them (and for you and your husband) during the day. It won't/can't work otherwise. I was lucky in that whilst my kids were babies my husband's employer was still providing a free canteen for staff (they have closed it since, sadly) so he had a hot meal there in the middle of the day, leaving me with only myself and the kids to feed. I would do some prepping whilst baby slept, if I could. Then it would be bunged into the oven or whatever later. I'm not perfect though. Sometimes they just ended up with beans on toast, but so what!? You could do similar perhaps.

It would be far better if he would be willing to look after the baby in the evening whilst you finish cooking the dinner and he needs to see this. If you are bottle feeding he could feed and then soon afterwards change a nappy. If he starts pulling his weight more with regard to looking after the baby, then and only then can he be properly qualified to pass any judgment about you.

At least get him doing the odd nappy etc. at weekends. It won't harm him. At worst it is only a bit of poo.

Jan49 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:35:28

Gosh, when I was SAHM with a 6 month old baby, it was exhausting and if someone had suggested to me that I should have plenty of time to do dinner every night, I'd have assumed they didn't have dc or had forgotten what it was like or had a lot of help. My ds's dad and I took turns at cooking dinner. I suppose if I'd had another child I'd have had to cope somehow but probably wouldn't have done it very well. I certainly wouldn't want to cook dinner for a partner who didn't do any nappy changes and thought I did nothing all day.

DameFanny Sun 15-Sep-13 19:42:14

I think this is a good point to state that DS was a busy baby - bored from about 2 weeks and unless asleep or BFing needing constant watching and/or distraction.

I thought I was a inadequate mother. Never napped when he did - to much other stuff to do. I really thought it was me.

Then my post natal group came round and saw him on his home turf, and to a woman said they didn't know how I coped. He was about 9 months at that point and I'd been back to work 3 days a week for 4 months and really appreciating the break.

He was getting on for 6 when he would amuse himself for more than 10 minutes at a time without another child there.

He has no sibling.

JRmumma Sun 15-Sep-13 19:54:09

I'm currently on mat leave with a 5 week old. 6 weeks ago if you'd have asked me if i would be preparing a meal for me and dh every day id have said 'of course, why not?'. Ask me now and ill tell you that i have no idea what we will eat once the meals that i prepared and froze before the baby came run out!

My current high achieving days are where i find time to get dressed before lunch!

Your dh clearly has no idea how much work it is to take care of a baby

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 15-Sep-13 20:06:03

I don't see why being at home means you have to cook dinner every night.

When I was on maternity leave we took turns to cook dinner, we still do. DS was one of these babies who hated me doing anything else so I rarely got a chance to cook. Plus we don't eat the minute DH walks through the door.

Your DH needs to step up and start taking care of your baby. He's a Dad, that means changing nappies and bathing. Not just doing the fun stuff. My DH comes home and baths DS every night, that's their time together.

You should be a team. Stop letting him get away with it.

coppered Mon 16-Sep-13 11:18:29

It wasn't so much about who cooks tea. It was really DH thinking I do nothing all day but sit around. And that when comes home he should be excepted to do nothing.

pianodoodle Mon 16-Sep-13 11:22:14

You need to go out for a whole day and leave him with the baby plus a list of other things to get done - ideally stuff you normally get done on an average day smile

SlobAtHome Mon 16-Sep-13 11:27:24

YAbothBU

Agree you should be the one making the dinner. A 6 month old is a doddle.

Agree he should be doing bed time routines. You shouldn't have to do all baby things.

If you were both working you would split all household chores equally and all remaining childcare (after nursery/childminder) equally, but as you are at home all day you should do the house day things - this includes dinner) and he should do his own job.

After that home things are split equally again.

If you do no/little housework during the day and don't make dinner then I think you are being lazy. 6 month olds don't take every waking second of your time. Wait til they are a clingy toddler!

SlobAtHome Mon 16-Sep-13 11:29:26

JR - that is a 5 week old though. You are only 5 weeks after birth.

OP had a 6 month old. Very different.

SlobAtHome Mon 16-Sep-13 11:30:37

Though a man that did nothing with his child would not be in my home for long!

RobotHamster Mon 16-Sep-13 11:59:17

RTFT. OP has said it's not about the dinner, it's about her husband not doing anything in the house and thinking she does nothing all day. jeez...

Thurlow Mon 16-Sep-13 11:59:53

It's been said plenty of times on this thread: your DH needs to find out what it is like looking after a baby all day on your own. If possible, you need to leave him alone to look after the baby for the better part of a day so he can see the reality.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but a parent who is in at least one day a week, and presumably some evenings as well - if he hasn't got involved with doing anything with the baby by now... Why not? Why are you letting him have that whole Sunday off? Why aren't you making him do the bathtime and bedtime routine?

It's his son too. He has to pull his weight. And if he's not been so far, then step one is that you need to explain to him, calmly and rationally, that he has to start doing more.

purrpurr Mon 16-Sep-13 14:46:38

So loving the idea that babies get easy at a certain point. Mine is 4 months and still eats and sleeps like a newborn. Far from making dinner for my DH every night, he makes me lunch every morning before he leaves or I would starve. Babies are different. I can't believe how readily parents will patronise the Op by saying a six month old is a doddle. How can you possibly know what the Op's baby is like?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 17-Sep-13 10:35:44

So loving the idea that babies get easy at a certain point

This!

So bloody patronising to suggest that they all get easier. Mine didn't.

comingalongnicely Tue 17-Sep-13 10:51:50

Whoever gets home first cooks tea.

In this case, that's the OP. Any other time it should be the DH.

It's not unreasonable to "expect" that the person who has been in the house, next to the ingredients & cooking equipment might have used them while you've been out. He should take the kids as soon as he's got in & changed though, and should deffo pull his weight more when he's there.

OP should make Saturday her day to go out & chill while he bonds with DC if he want's Sundays.... (But he should still knock up a nice Sunday Roast)...

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