To want DP to take me to work

(68 Posts)
HolaGuapo Fri 13-Sep-13 19:32:13

I get the train to work and this suits me fine - I pay for my season pass, and I quite enjoy the 15 minute commute. I often work Sundays and the train times have just changed so that the only train to where I work gets in 3 hours before my start time. What on earth am I supposed to do for 3 hours on a Sunday, especially as its getting colder now?
I asked DP if he will drive me - its about 18 miles from where we live. He says no as petrol is too expensive and he wants to change his car at the end of the year so is trying to keep his mileage down. I don't drive.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant and working 46-50 hour weeks. He works Monday-Friday 9-5. I often only have 1 day off a week (sometimes 2, sometimes none) and because of how my shifts fall, I can work 12 or 13 days in a row without a day off. I'm exhausted and I would quite like to not have to trudge round in the cold for 3 hours before my shift starts. AIBU?

MrsRogerSterling Fri 13-Sep-13 19:34:56

Of course YANBU, he sounds a bit mean.

No, YANBU, your DP sounds a real catch.

Andro Fri 13-Sep-13 19:35:38

If you don't have another commute option (bus?) then no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Would it be worth you learning to drive and having your own car though?

Beamur Fri 13-Sep-13 19:36:09


MrsRogerSterling Fri 13-Sep-13 19:36:20

Posted to soon. It's hardly excessive mileage. What does he suggest you do for 3 hours prior to going to work?

HolaGuapo Fri 13-Sep-13 19:36:46

I can't afford to learn to drive at the minute. Insurance is ridiculously high for people my age anyway so it would be pointless.

livinginwonderland Fri 13-Sep-13 19:37:08

YANBU! He sounds like a selfish idiot.

CunfuddledAlways Fri 13-Sep-13 19:38:01

can you tell work that train times have changed so that you can only start later / earlier?? see if they can do anything for you.

Can you drive? or bus?

yanbu though, would he drive you if you help with petrol costs?

MissCookieIsNotABiscuit Fri 13-Sep-13 19:38:03

Good God that's horrible! Is he not concerned about you at all?!

HolaGuapo Fri 13-Sep-13 19:39:58

Apparently I'm the selfish one wanting to be taken to work when he does everything around the house! He doesn't do everything around the house at all, but given that he gets in around 2 hours before me and often when I get in I just want to eat and then go to bed (I leave the house at 7 and don't get back in till almost 7), he tends to do the washing up/hoovering/washing. I do it on my days off/weekends.

HooverFairy Fri 13-Sep-13 19:42:13

Your DP sounds awful, really selfish. YANBU.
Can you speak to work about the difficulty in working Sundays because of the train changes? They might be able to help you or know someone who is travelling from your direction that could give you a lift? Im sure as a pregnant lady you have some entitlements there?

Another suggestion - speak to your DP before your baby arrives. He's in for a massive shock if he thinks that his mileage is a sacrifice.

HumphreyCobbler Fri 13-Sep-13 19:42:59

he is being a totally selfish twat

I would do this for my DH without a second thought.

You are also pregnant. This is even more reason he should be helping you out.

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 19:43:42

yanbu at all! how mean sad

Fairylea Fri 13-Sep-13 19:45:04

He doesn't want to afford the petrol?? What??

Surely as you are having a baby together you have joint finances and equal spending money, yes? I hope so. Therefore petrol spending is yours too.

He is being a total arse. Of course he should drive you.

I used to drive dh to work on a Sunday 28 miles away.

SpottyDottie Fri 13-Sep-13 19:45:05

My God. Has he always been like this or is this new? You are currently 20 weeks pregnant. What the hell is he going to be like when the baby is here??

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 19:45:07

and let's be honest, you'd get to do more around the house if you didn't have to get to work 3 hours early ;-)

cjel Fri 13-Sep-13 19:45:53


HolaGuapo Fri 13-Sep-13 19:46:42

I have told him I will go and stay with my grandparents every Saturday night because they live near the city centre.

cjel Fri 13-Sep-13 20:03:55

Still think he should be stepping up, if he wont now when you are expecting how on earth is your future going?

candycoatedwaterdrops Fri 13-Sep-13 20:06:27

I assume this is his baby, is he going to refuse to help pay for the baby too? YADNBU, he sounds like an arse.

Inertia Fri 13-Sep-13 20:08:30

He sounds like a charmer, putting his car mileage ahead of the wellbeing of his pregnant partner.

ShootMeNowPlease Fri 13-Sep-13 20:09:03

YANBU. He sounds a jerk, unless there's something more to this. Why are you having a baby with him? What are his good points?

SeaSickSal Fri 13-Sep-13 20:10:04

He's being a dick. But would it be cheaper with the insurance if you were just put on his? I didn't think it was very expensive that way.

Helpyourself Fri 13-Sep-13 20:11:30

You must follow through on the grandparent option. If he moans remind him that he could take you and if not take a taxi.

Theonlyoneiknow Fri 13-Sep-13 20:13:57

What? YANBU!! Of course he should give you a lift, GRRRRR

TrueStory Fri 13-Sep-13 20:14:26

Is he serious about the petrol/mileage excuse. He sounds completely thick that you would accept such a bizarre reason. I think you should learn to drive than be dependant on him.

BackforGood Fri 13-Sep-13 20:19:25

Is it not possible to ask work if you can change your shifts? Obviously, not knowing what you do it's difficult to say, but would it be possible to either work your hours from when the train gets in, or, if they need later covering, perhaps do a long shift every fortnight and not on the alternate weeks, or maybe ask around if there is anyone else who might be able to give you a lift (even if dp dropped you at their house)?
I know it's fashionable on MN to throw hands up in horror if a man might ever question what his partner wants to do, but seriously (presuming you want fetching too?) 72miles is a lot of time as well as petrol which- unless you are on a very high hourly rate?- is something I wouldn't be too keen to take from the weekly/monthly budget if my dh asked.
If it's the only option in the end, then it's the only option, but I'd certainly talk to work first.

Jolleigh Fri 13-Sep-13 20:26:21

I feel for you, truly. I'm nearly 13 weeks and also work long hours. If my other half tried to pull this one, he'd get what for.

If it were me, out of sheer stubbornness I'd stick to my guns...either stay with the grandparents when it's practical or get a taxi...but only get a taxi if you share your cash. Alternatively, if you do the shopping etc, or even just pay for the shopping, reduce the budget and start skimping on the things he uses the most. After all, he's the one who wants to keep costs low.

Admittedly I'm quite a vindictive cow sometimes but if a man won't drive his pregnant missus to work because of the frigging petrol costs, he deserves whatever comes to him.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 13-Sep-13 20:31:51

YANBU, he sounds like a twat.

Why is it him paying for petrol, surely it's both your money? Is he always this much of an uncaring idiot? What about when the baby arrives?

ImperialBlether Fri 13-Sep-13 20:36:03

OP, I read your post and my immediate thought was, "What a fucking selfish bastard." My second thought was, "This isn't the only selfish thing he does."

What's he like the rest of the time, OP?

CoffeeTea103 Fri 13-Sep-13 20:46:25

What a horrible selfish person, you are Pregnant and he is behaving like this. You haven't much to expect from him when the baby is here.

SomebodyBrokeThat Fri 13-Sep-13 21:19:05

To be fair, I don't think either of you ABU. An 18 mile drive, could easily take 35 to 45 minutes each way, and will easily use a gallon of petrol. If money is tight this could be an issue (it would cause me problems). I think compromise is the key here, sometimes you get a lift, sometimes you stay over at grandparents and maybe approach your work to see if you could start your shift nearer the time the bus would get in.
Hope you can work it out. smile

BrokenSunglasses Fri 13-Sep-13 21:22:49

If you weren't pregnant then I'd say YABU, but as you are I think you are entitled to expect lifts.

You need to learn to drive yourself if you want to travel by car.

MrsRogerSterling Fri 13-Sep-13 21:37:30

It's got nothing to do with being pregnant as far as I am concerned. Putting money aside if that is an issue, it is about wanting to make someone's life that little bit easier because you love them and are sharing a life together.

cerealqueen Fri 13-Sep-13 21:44:16

What MrsRogerSterling just said sums it up.

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 13-Sep-13 21:52:20

Are you the same OP who was expected to go to the seaide last week squashed in the back of a car because you had to celebrate miL's birthday and year dp refused to take his car because of petrol costs/mileage.

Do you actually need to accept the shift?

Oh dear OP? This doesn't bode well. What are you going to do when you go into labour need to take the baby to a And e?

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 22:03:23

yes well said mrsroger

even if money is an issue... what you spend on petrol you'll save on train fare.. i mean fgs.
do you have any joint finances?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Fri 13-Sep-13 22:05:16

Whaaaat? He sounds horrible! TELL him that he MUST drive you!

ShootMeNowPlease Fri 13-Sep-13 22:09:10

To be fair, bundaberg, if OP has a season ticket the petrol is extra. And I do agree that if they're on a very tight budget this would be a problem, but I'm not getting that from OP's original post (and if she is the poster whose DP wanted her to sit in the middle of the back seat for a 4-hour drive, this is not about money being tight, this is about DP being an arse).

Wanksock Fri 13-Sep-13 22:14:15

Can you get a bus? Where I live the bus service steps up on a sunday! Failing that, he should give you a lift!

pictish Fri 13-Sep-13 22:15:34

Op, my husband would absolutely give me a lift under those circumstances. No way would he see me wandering around for three hours with nowt to do.
It wouldn't be an issue.

Your dh is mean.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Fri 13-Sep-13 22:15:55

18 miles on a bus? In the winter? Pregnant? NO way...her DH should drive her.

pictish Fri 13-Sep-13 22:16:33

And that would be preggers or not.

Buttercup4 Fri 13-Sep-13 22:20:48

YADNBU, my DH would do this without question and I'm not even pregnant.

I take my DH to work at 5am every morning to save him the 15minute bus journey in the cold. I then come back home go back to bed and get up at 7am to go to work.

Sorry but your DP sounds a bit mean

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 13-Sep-13 22:34:33

Hang on, it's not like this is every day. It's some Sundays.

My DH would drive me in pregnant or not, then have me wonder around for three hours.

maddening Fri 13-Sep-13 22:39:12

I would suggest that you are put on your dh insurance and he teach you to drive - and use the Sunday drive as part of your practise.

Catmint Fri 13-Sep-13 22:39:47


HolaGuapo Fri 13-Sep-13 22:52:39

Yes I am the same OP who posted last weekend. Hmm seems to be a running theme here with DP and petrol costs! After an argument this evening he's agreed that he was unreasonable. Arghhh. The baby was unplanned and I'm very young in comparison to some people on this website. I turn to this site for advice sometimes because I don't know who else to go to. Thank you all.

MohammedLover Fri 13-Sep-13 22:58:15

Is there somewhere on the way that you could be dropped off and get a more frequent bus or train from there as a compromise?

"He says no as petrol is too expensive and he wants to change his car at the end of the year so is trying to keep his mileage down. I don't drive."
18 miles each way.
36 miles round trip.
Once a week (and not absolutely every week).
16 Sundays until the end of the year.
576 additional miles maximum driven by the end of the year.
36 miles/gallon achievable by most cars.
Petrol ranging from 132.9p/litre to 139.9p/litre = £6.05/gallon to £6.37/gallon.

There is nothing 'D' about your P that he values six quid and some of his oh-so-precious time above you spending three hours kicking your heels in the cold.

And 576 miles on the clock isn't going to make a hell of a lot of difference to the price he'll get for his car.

Don't go and stay with your grandparents on Saturdays. Go and stay with them permanently. The man is a complete tosser.

WafflyVersatile Fri 13-Sep-13 23:01:51

Does this mean he will drive you?

therewearethen Fri 13-Sep-13 23:02:28

Sounds a bit mean, is money really that tight though that it would mean cutting back elsewhere to make up for the extra petrol?

MohammedLover Fri 13-Sep-13 23:02:49

This could be one of many battles that await you. It might be worth spending some time reading sites based on assertiveness. Just because you are young it does not mean that your not worthy of consideration. Maybe your chap just needs a few prods in the right direction! Good luck with your pregnancy.

notallytuts Fri 13-Sep-13 23:10:35

depends how long the drive takes? if its 18 miles along a motorway yanbu

if its not fast roads and would take say, 40mins, thats 2h40 of driving to do two round trips (presumably he wouldnt hang around in the cold whilst you work) - its not that unreasonable for him to not want to spend 2h40 doing something to save you 3 hours. is there not a coffee shop or somewhere you could sit with a book (and tell him to do some housework at home in the meantime!!)

HolaGuapo, have just read your thread of last week.

You said there that "We're not that skint that we can't afford petrol for a day out, he's just a bit tight about paying loads for petrol in general." So this is most certainly not about money, it is about meanness. Meanness is a trait that tends to go beyond money - have a think, there almost certainly have been other incidents where he has displayed meanness. Not nice.

You were just moving in with him last week, where did you stay before? Can you go back?

WafflyVersatile Fri 13-Sep-13 23:21:56

He may just have an irrational thing about petrol being expensive.

They are about to become a family and should be a partnership. In a partnership an hour or so of his time dedicated to the family income added to 35 hours per week he works has got to be worth sacrificing to save 3 hours off her time dedicated to the family income on top of 45-60 hours.

TalkativeJim Fri 13-Sep-13 23:28:39

Hey, you know all those irritating things about being pregnant that you just have to suck up while your partner merrily carries on without a second thought... tiredness, achiness, carrying around a couple of extra stone, body changing permanently, stretch marks, possibly severe sickness, going through childbirth?

Well here's the ideal opportunity for your partner to get to make a sacrifice and suck something up. Hurrah! He gives you the lift - and shuts his mean little sulky penny-pinching mouth!

shouldistayorshouldagonooooooo Fri 13-Sep-13 23:49:34

[shocked] what a tight cunt!

quoteunquote Fri 13-Sep-13 23:53:50

Do I have this correct, He wants you at twenty week pregnant to wait around for three hours, to save a few miles on the clock, some petrol money, and his lie in?

I would go and stay with your grandparents indefinitely.

Keep a careful watch on your energy levels.

elcranko Sat 14-Sep-13 00:09:14

Why on earth would anyone let their pregnant partner wander around in the cold for three hours for the sake of a couple of quid in petrol money? YADNBU OP. Hope he realises what a selfish arse he's being and sharpish.

Secretswitch Sat 14-Sep-13 00:16:11

Honey, your are five months pregnant with his child and he can't be arsed to drive you to your job? I am with the other poster who said this cannot be the only instance of his selfishness. Stop and think about how is self involvement will affect you and your child. I feel very sad for you.

McNewPants2013 Sat 14-Sep-13 00:31:58

I think you need to get a driving licence of your own.

Sorry to sound harsh, but there would be no way I expect DH after working a full week to get up and take me to work.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sat 14-Sep-13 10:45:56

Even if the OP does get a driving licence, (assuming she can afford it!) it will take time for her to learn to drive, so what is she meant to do in the mean time?

DizzyPurple Sat 14-Sep-13 11:01:11

He sounds totally selfish. It's a shame it's taken a row to get him to come round. Hopefully he'll be a bit more sympathetic. Doesn't sound like it should be a big deal for him. He's been working all week? Sounds like you are working really hard too. What is it he wants to do with the time he could be taking you? I often find driving in a car is a good time to have a chat without the usual distractions of life. Maybe put that angle to him - quality time together which it doesn't sound like you get much of now.

He's a selfish arse and this isn't the first time. You need to get this sorted before the baby comes, or you will find he carries on life as before and you are let with all the burden trying to do the childminder drop on the bus and rushing to pick up etc, he needs to step up to the plate and be a man and more caring and considerate of someone who he claims to lone and who is carrying his child.

Lone? Love is what I meant

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 14-Sep-13 12:28:41

OP - in about 30 mins I'm going to collect my 18 year old son from about 10 miles away (difficult public transport route) because he stayed after a party last night. I'm doing that because I love him. I'm not saying that because I don't think your dp loves you but I wonder how well loved he has been and so doesn't know how to be caring and show love.

I wonder if you both need a little more love than you have evr received and whether this is the problem.

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