oh god i have to go on a spa weekend soon for a hen do. AIBU to ask

(66 Posts)
dirtyface Thu 12-Sep-13 16:00:04

why oh why do grown women getting married have to force all their mates to shell out 100s on organised "fun"

i have to go. she is one of my oldest mates, i can't let her down

but i will be 4 months pregnant

and its over 120 quid

i can't go in the jacuzzi or have any treatments due to being pg

i can't drink

i won't know many people

and i will most probably have to share a room with someone i don't know

aaaaargh sad

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 12-Sep-13 16:01:09

You don't have to go.

sonofapreacherman Thu 12-Sep-13 16:02:38

Don't go.

I'm completely with you on this.

I think guests have enough to worry about with presents/outfits/accommodation for the wedding without expecting people to shell out on hen crap as well.

Don't go, it sounds bollocks.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Thu 12-Sep-13 16:02:57

Can you not explain to the bride thg you can't make it and go out for a meal or something with her? I'm all for a good hen do, but if you can't partake then it's a waste of everyone's time!

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:19

I should add, I'm having my own hen do in a few weeks and is be mortified if anyone coming along didnt want to be there and just attended cos they thought they had to!

ShepherdsPurse Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:31

YANBU - If friend wants everyone to go to a spa for a weekend, then she should be prepared to pay. To assume that everyone can just shell out for a weekend away is ridiculous.

You'll have a wedding outfit and present etc to buy as it is.

A good friend will understand that you are unable to go.

KoalaFace Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:42

Oh DirtyFace this spa break isn't suitable for you if you can't do anything you're paying for! You'll feel left out and fed up. Is she a nice friend? Will she understand if you explain how its no good for you while pregnant and you two can go out for a lovely meal one day instead?

specialsubject Thu 12-Sep-13 16:04:54

you don't have to go, it is utterly pointless for you. Tell her all the reasons (at least you have good ones!) and say you are looking forward to the wedding.

HellonHeels Thu 12-Sep-13 16:05:17

Why can't you have any treatments? Pregnancy massage? Pedicure? Manicure?

OTOH I agree you could just not go.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 16:05:57

This is one of my bug bears - brides thinking it is ok to expect others to pay out!!

My Hen night was a night out down my local town with a Disney Character Fancy Dress theme!! grin

My best friend (who I was bridesmaid for) put on a Spa Weekend for her on Hen (costing about £160 per person) and I told her I wasn't coming. There was no way I prepared to spend that!! She was very put out, but she made the choice to have that type of Hen celebration.

When I was planning my Hen Night I absolutely knew I wasn't going to do anything that excluded people who didn't have much spare money - hence my cheap but bloody brilliant night out grin

Just don't go!!!!!

A true friend would understand your reasons x

diddl Thu 12-Sep-13 16:06:17

You don't have to go-it's an invitation which can be either accepted or declined!

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Thu 12-Sep-13 16:10:53

I was going to say you were being a bit miserable until I saw you are pregnant. Seriously, cry off, you won't be able to do anything. Is there not a meal out or something you could go to? Even drinks in a bar would be better - you could show up, spend a few quid on non alcoholic drinks and retire early!

mrsjay Thu 12-Sep-13 16:12:01

Dont go tel her you will be pregnant does she know say you cant do any of the soa shit treatments and would she like to go out for lunch with you instead, I wouldnt go to a spa anyway I would make excuses not to go It really isnt my thing

MaxPepsi Thu 12-Sep-13 16:12:05

Don't go.

As others have said, I purposely had just a day out, costing very little to actually attend. (travel and a cheap theme)

What people chose to spend on food/drink was then up to them.

I had a bloody lovely day. DH did the same, had a cheap to attend day out, it was then up to his stags how much they spent on the day.

Neither of us were offended if no one could make it either. Although I was pissed off at the people who cancelled at the last minute, ie the day before as I thought that was bloody rude!

KoalaFace Thu 12-Sep-13 16:13:28

Is your friend actually organising it?

I actually fell out with my maid of honour about my hen do. I told her I wanted a low key, cheap daytime do that I could bring my DS (who was still breastfed) to and my DM, DGM, MIL, young bridesmaids, etc would all be able to attend.

Behind my back she sent out emails to everyone saying we would be going away for the weekend for a boozy, night clubbing event that would cost £200 each!! My SIL came to me to apologise for not being able to afford it and I was mortified.

I had to organise a chilled tea party type thing (with tons of wine available obv) at my mum's myself in the end because "maid of honour" was so furious not to get her way.

Some people are just thoughtless!

girliefriend Thu 12-Sep-13 16:15:44

I was in this position recently, a very close friend had organised a hen party exactly like this one. I had a good time but totally agree that you don't have to go.

In all for this one brides wedding I think I must have spent in the region on £600 shock she choose to get married on the other side of the country so by the time you include the hen do, petrol, accommodation, drinks, dinner, gift, outfit etc £££££££££££££££££££££ !!!

squoosh Thu 12-Sep-13 16:16:08

Oh for God's sake, just don't go.

No big deal, plus you won't then waste energy looking disapprovingly at everyone having their 'organised fun'.

mrsjay Thu 12-Sep-13 16:18:21

I was invited to a hen do at a spa hotel and a night away my dh was the best man for an old friend i think she fel t obligedI didnt know the bride or anybody else just the grooms mum I didnt go I heard it cost over £500 all in I am glad I didnt go

BrokenSunglasses Thu 12-Sep-13 16:20:05

I think it's a bit mean for people to say you shouldn't go. It's a special thing for your friend, and if she's a good friend and you can affor it, then you should support her.

There are still loads of treatments you can have if you're pregnant, just avoid the heat ones.

dirtyface Thu 12-Sep-13 16:22:32

yeah she is organising it herself

i feel bad for her as initially she was going to blackpool for a drinking weekend, but loads of people dropped out or messed her about not paying etc so she recently had to cancel it and i think she lost money. she was fine with me not going to that but as its a spa break i feel like i should still go as i can still join in with stuff like the meal and i can swim etc

i really think the world of her and she is my oldest friend, she is like a sister to me and i dont want to let her down, i think she would be hurt

but part of me hopes loads of people say they cant come, so she cancels it before its even happening

i just dont understand all the fuss anyway, when i got married the first time i just had a big night out in my local town with all my friends, then the second time i got married blush i didnt even bother. we are all mums in our 30's anyway, half us of have been married / divorced several times, we are not a bunch of giggling 21 year olds ffs

Any spa worth its salt has special "mum to be" (vomit) treatments. But apart from that, I agree.

Not everyone likes spa days/weekends. They are expensive. You scarcely get to socialise if someone's off having their nails/face/legs done every half an hour.

TheContrastofWhiteonWhite Thu 12-Sep-13 16:26:09

Oh God, I am totally with you. I fucking hate big 'event' hen dos. Night out, fair enough, if you live in the same city as me or I can easily stay over with you, I will come.

I hate being guilt tripped into spending money that we could spend on a family weekend away or big day trip on a girls weekend.

I have turned down most recent ones on grounds of pregnancy or breast feeding. God knows what I'll do once that isn't on the list.

MrsDibble Thu 12-Sep-13 16:28:17

I think it would be perfectly reasonable not to go. If you don't feel you will enjoy it then if she is a good friend she will understand.

On the other hand you could quite easily go if you wanted to and have a nice time. There are treatments you can have when preg - I had a lovely facial the other week, which was fine - I told them I was pregnant of course. And as mentioned there are manicures/pedicures.

In my personal opinion, at four months a short jacuzzi or steam room probably wouldn't do any harm, although I know general advice is not to go in. You could definitely have a jacuzzi and just not sit on the bubble bit directly. I've been in steam rooms in both pregnancies and nothing happened to me. I was told it would be OK within reason by a doctor in first pregnancy - just don't stay in if feeling too hot. Though I understand that if you are showing people might feel the need to give you their two pence worth.

One thing you should definitely do if you do go is explain that you need your own room. No fun sharing a room when you are sleeping badly anyway.

Third option - are you near enough just to meet them for a meal as someone has said?

tolittletoolate Thu 12-Sep-13 16:36:01

I went in a jacuzzi when I was pregnant I had no idea you were not 'allowed' to!

quoteunquote Thu 12-Sep-13 16:56:56

say No, invite her to lunch.

Spa weekend, shudder.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 12-Sep-13 17:04:38

I think you should go. My heart sinks at the idea of Girls' Whatevers and also Organised Fun, but I think that there is a potential for you to enjoy it. Maybe go for the day. You can swim, you can have a manicure and pedicure. You can relax and read some magazines. It might not be terrible and I think you'll feel better for not letting your friend down.

I'm saying this because she's a close friend

Latara Thu 12-Sep-13 17:06:38

dirtyface I feel your pain - I have to go on a £200 hen weekend (including spa) that I can't really afford but can't really miss - it's a younger friend who's getting married for the 1st time and she's really excited.

There's a night out included but I will be the only one not drinking (medication not pg) - I should enjoy that tho. It's the spa treatments that i'm nervous about! I may try a massage but i'm not sure..

yummumto3girls Thu 12-Sep-13 17:15:37

Don't be so miserable, there is loads you can do at the spa and if you can afford it you should support your best friend, sounds like she's having a tough time trying to organise something that makes everyone happy so if she's that good a friend she needs your help and support. Ask if you can share a room with her if you are worried.

EastwickWitch Thu 12-Sep-13 18:33:08

Could you go for the day? You could say that you will be no fun with all the drinking games & don't want to wake up your room mate getting up for the loo endlessly.
it might be nice to put on a dressing gown & lounge about having your nails done & a pregnancy massage then leave when it gets rowdy (and expensive)?

CockBollocks Thu 12-Sep-13 18:44:12

If you cant afford it then tell her now and don't go.

If you can get the money together then you are being a spoilsport imo.

She is your friend and you say a close one. I have been on spa days and weekends with pregnant friends and been pregnant myself on one. So that is no real excuse.

You can enjoy uninterrupted adult chat (something you cant do when the baby arrives!!), take loads of books and trashy mags for lazing around, treat yourself to a pedicure whilst you can still see your feet.

You never know you may enjoy it.

AnyFucker Thu 12-Sep-13 18:45:24

God, you poor woman

CockBollocks Thu 12-Sep-13 18:45:32

Drinking games at a spa weekend shock??!!

DontmindifIdo Thu 12-Sep-13 18:47:22

See, I had a spa break hen do (although mine cost £70 per head, which included your room, lunch on two days, dinner and breakfast, then one treatment, either massage or facial each- proper bargain). I organised this myself because I hate organised fun, a spa break is lounging around, drinking fruit teas, going off to have nails done or treatments, then having a civilised dinner together. I realised left to her own devises, my bridesmaid would arrange a matching t-shirts/fancy dress day/night out with activities (I believe pole dancing lessons were suggestedshock) , then I'd end up a drunken mess in some city centre, wearing "L" plates and trying to find my way back to the sort of crappy hotel that'll allow large groups. Hideous.

Op, if you can't afford it/don't want to go, then don't, but I wouldn't assume you can't join in, I can't imagine you can't have any of the treatments (I've certainly had facials and massages when pregnant, you just have to tell them as some products can't be used), there should be a pool, and ime, the dinner in the evening at a spa isn't usually a boozy one, so you'll be less "odd one out" than if it was a night out dinner and getting pissed planned. (also worth checking if it's at a hotel or spa not too far from you, could you just join them for lunch or dinner if you really hate the idea)

calamitygin Thu 12-Sep-13 18:48:27

just explain very nicely that if you weren't pregnant you would have loved to have come but as you are and can't have any of the treatments etc you're really sorry but you won't be able to make it but would be delighted to take her out for a lovely healing lunch when she gets back? If she's a really good old friend she might be a bit disappointed but she'll really understand. Just talk to her, she's your friend.

YANBU

fatlazymummy Thu 12-Sep-13 20:05:52

Just don't go if you don't want to. Your friend doesn't need 'support' - she's getting married, not undergoing some terrible ordeal.
Personally I wouldn't go, not because of being pregnant but because a weekend in a spa seems incredibly boring to me, not to mention a colossal waste of time and money.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Thu 12-Sep-13 20:14:05

Christ, why do women do this shit to themselves? I would much prefer go-karting, paint balling or strippers Alton Towers. This is one area of life where men have got it right. I've no idea why anyone in their right mind would want someone called Tiffany to wrap them in seaweed and cling film and pay fifty quid for the pleasure.

Otoh, don't understand why you can't have treatments because your PG. what about a nice Brazilian while you still have lady parts worth publicising? grin

Sorry. YANBU

Therealamandaclarke Thu 12-Sep-13 20:15:26

Do as you wish of course.
But you can go in a jacuzzi when pregnant.
There will be treatments you can have (although the treatments will probably be an additional expense anyway.
You might enjoy being in the water.
Check on doctoranddaughter.co.uk or similar (can't remember the website address. But it's a site devised by a London obstetrician about what's ok in pregnancy. Myth busting etc.

callamia Thu 12-Sep-13 20:18:17

I don't think I'd want to shell out for a weekend where I could pretty much just go swimming (on my own because everyone else was in the hot tub). Have a look at the pregnancy friendly treatments, but they seem to be packaged and so more expensive...

You still don't have to go at all - especially if you're not going to be able to join in. Can you go along for dinner? Not boozing isn't very hard work, and you've shown willing...

Meglet Thu 12-Sep-13 20:24:10

Don't go.

I've refused hen do spa days, and I wasn't even pregnant. I can't think of anything more hideous than hanging around chatting in dressing gowns. When I need a massage I go on my own, I don't need my hand held. <<Uptight introvert>>

justmyview Thu 12-Sep-13 20:25:04

I'm with OP. She's a good friend and it sounds as though you can afford it, so I think you probably should go, but I share your pain. Funny how the word "wedding" seems like a trump card. I've been to several hen nights out that I would never have gone to if it had been an optional works night out

AuntyPippaAndUncleHarry Thu 12-Sep-13 20:35:58

Doesn't it sound like she picked the spa idea as so many people dropped out of what she really wanted to do which was have a fun boozey time away? Spa perhaps viewed as more suitable for bunch of mums as you describe yourselves. IMO you are being a spoil sport. Go and enjoy the spa. Relaxing in lovely surroundings and having a swim. What is there to moan about? YOUR friend wants an hen. She is excited to be marrying. Stop moaning and making it about you.

DontmindifIdo Thu 12-Sep-13 20:54:05

TondelayoSchwarzkopf - paintballing, go-karting and Alton Towers in a large group all being on a strict time table of "this is when we'll have fun!" sounds like hell!

See, whatever you plan for a large group, you'll find some who truely hate what you suggest and think you're doing it just to be a nightmare - agree, does sound like the "boozy weekend away" was not popular so she's gone for "civilised, grown up 'girls' weekend" instead.

holidaysarenice Thu 12-Sep-13 21:43:57

I heard a lecturer at uni tell us about a baby born with severe developmental problems, damage to developing brain and organs. The cause - too long (over 4 hours) in a jacuzzi at too high a heat at a crucial devlopmental stage.

holidaysarenice Thu 12-Sep-13 21:47:23

I heard a lecturer at uni tell us about a baby born with severe developmental problems, damage to developing brain and organs. The cause - too long (over 4 hours) in a jacuzzi at too high a heat at a crucial devlopmental stage.

yummumto3girls Thu 12-Sep-13 22:21:53

I think this thread shows how hard it is to find something that pleases everyone!! What a nightmare!! I really don't understand the thing about Jacuzzi's when pregnant, they're not that hot, my baths at home are way hotter and I stayed in them way longer when pregnant!

specialsubject Thu 12-Sep-13 22:31:33

oh dear, it looks like thinking that a spa is a really boring thing to do goes down as well as not buying tat for people at Christmas. :-)

stuck indoors all day, shared water, no doubt tiny pool so you can't even have a proper swim, ghastly fragrances everywhere, painful treatments. No ta.

ShakeAndVac Thu 12-Sep-13 22:36:37

At 4 months pregnant, if she's any proper friend, she won't mind if you explain to her and will completely understand.
You obviously can't drink, as you say, you can't use the jacuzzi or have most kinds of essential oil type massage things, and basically it's going to be a bit crap for you.
If I were you, I'd explain it to her like you have here. If I was your friend, I'd completely understand.
Say you'll go out for a meal with her when she gets back instead and she can have a mini 'second' hen night with you. Meal, mocktails for you and cocktails for her type thing. smile

squoosh Thu 12-Sep-13 22:40:09

I love spas, find them relaxing and blissful, but wouldn't especially like to be stuck there with lots of people I don't particularly know.

Agree that paintballing and all that malarkey can be just as painful in terms of 'organised fun'.

Poor bride, it's really hard to accomodate loads of different tastes.

YeahWhat Thu 12-Sep-13 22:45:29

You shouldn't go, it would be silly to go if you don't want to. If she is a real friend she won't mind. She will be dissapointed but she won't mind.

pinkr Fri 13-Sep-13 00:32:20

You can go in the jacuzzi....the only risk with it is over heating but tbh a bath in you're house is likely to be hotter. Steam room etc is ob out. Take a book, lie on a lounger and relax. Enjoy the peace while you can.

whois Fri 13-Sep-13 00:37:23

I think you should go if it is a good friend. It will be a nice weekend relaxing and chatting with friends. Read a book, have a swim. Stop being so miserable. Of be upset if a good friend didnt go when they had initially been keen.

tiggerpigger Fri 13-Sep-13 00:38:20

If she's such a good friend you should go. You'll regret it if you don't. Poor girl if her best friends won't go on her hen do.

wafflingworrier Fri 13-Sep-13 01:43:48

don't go!
be honest!
I went to a similar thing against my better judgement this summer and am still upset by it, I didn't enjoy it and couldn't afford it but knew I HAD to to keep my friend. now im left with the horrid feeling that she's not a good friend anyway, due to above. whereas if i had been honest with her at least id know for sure and still have the £450!

Therealamandaclarke Fri 13-Sep-13 08:44:20

I think lots of get het up about having to do "hen" things.
It's an expense that is sometimes begrudged. Whatever the arrangements.
There's no reason why a pg woman can't enjoy a spa weekend.
The drinking thing is more of an issue. It is a pita to be sober while everyone else is getting pissed.
just be grateful she's not insisting on a long weekend overseas. Now that I would draw the line at. I loathe hen/ stag events being turned into a bloody holiday. grin

NuggetofPurestGreen Fri 13-Sep-13 09:03:20

It's easy to say 'just don't go' but some people get really upset about these. And yes I know if they were a good friend they'd understand etc etc but sometimes it's not worth the hassle not to go. A friend fell out with me because I didn't want to go on her hen for what I thought were good reasons. Wedding invitation revoked etc. obviously I'm better off without her but was upsetting at the time.

Anyway OP YANBU for wondering why people have to make such a fuss about hens I don't get it either. I wonder could you get out of it on pregnancy grounds? But maybe you will just have to go and put up with it. I feel your pain I hate hens.

VulvaVoom Fri 13-Sep-13 09:50:03

Oh I sympathise, I dread bloody spa days and horrendous things like that. My lovely SILs got me a massage voucher as a baby shower present over a year ago and I haven't used it. I'm sure massages are relaxing for some people but not for me, I would be totally on edge!

Branleuse Fri 13-Sep-13 10:09:54

you can go in a jacuzzi. Just dont get bubbles up your fanny

monkeymamma Fri 13-Sep-13 14:32:29

C'mon you miserable buggers I would love to go on a spa weekend! To be honest even low key hen do's end up costing ££ these days, drinks, taxis, outfits, whatever, so just be glad she hasn't asked you all to join her on a four day Ibiza bonanza. If she's a good friend and you can afford it, I think you are being pretty U (& yab a bit pregzilla!)
Have a swim, get yer nails done, enjoy the unlimited tea/coffee/orange juice, get some cake down yer and put your bloody feet up! Spas are lovely and relaxing IMO, anywhere you can spend the whole break in a fluffy dressing gown (that someone else has to wash) can't be wrong. And there'll be loads of magazines! And you won't have to do any washing up/cleaning/cooking. Fgs, I'll go if you don't want to...

PrincessScrumpy Fri 13-Sep-13 14:51:16

I went to one when pg with twins and I swam in the pool then sat and chatted, had my nails painted and read a book. You don't have to sit in a jacuzzi and this is a really good friend. It's her hen night not yours so it's about what she wants to do.
120 seems fairly reasonableto me and you could easily spans that in one night out on food, drinks and club entry. I think in your circumstances I would go.
I didn't go to a friends weekend hen do in Butlins and she was really upset but I was bfing dd at the time

Loopylala7 Fri 13-Sep-13 15:53:46

I didn't go on a friends birthday spa outing as other than it not being a special birthday (kind of extravagant to expect your mates to spend on a random birthday I think) I would have to a.buy a maternity swim suit, b.not go in the jacussi, c.not go in steam room or sauna, d. Limited treatment offers for pregnant ladies, e.not be able to have the 'free bubbly'. Basically you spend loads on a swimming session with a 'light lunch' how crap is that! I would try to get out of it.

fatlazymummy Fri 13-Sep-13 16:39:42

Reasonable? £120 to swim in a pool and have your nails done? I've heard it all now.

mummymeister Fri 13-Sep-13 16:42:50

speak to her. tell her your concerns and that you really don't feel you would get the most out of it. OP some treatments are OK for pg women but agree it wont be all of them. why not organise for the two of you to do a treat together - afternoon tea somewhere local and posh. not worth losing a friendship over so only you know how much it means to her for you to be there.

SeraphinaSparklePants Fri 13-Sep-13 16:50:38

I agree with Jamie.
If she's a really good friend, I'd make the effort for her.
I know it's galling to spend a lot on something you really don't fancy, but you might enjoy it, and she'll hopefully appreciate you making the effort for her.

DontmindifIdo Fri 13-Sep-13 17:02:49

fatlazymummy - actually, if it includes a stay in a nice hotel, breakfast, lunch and dinner, then yes, I'd say that was reasonable regardless of the treatments thrown in...

fatlazymummy Fri 13-Sep-13 17:22:31

Maybe, but don't you normally stay in a hotel for a reason? Not just to go swimming or have your nails done.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 13-Sep-13 17:46:17

can you afford it? if so then suggest that you go for the day and enjoy being pampered with massage/nails/facial and swim/yummy lunch but not to stay the night/do drinking games

compromise is the key as she is a good friend smile

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