to expect my dp not to fall asleep while watching the kids in the evening when i'm working

(32 Posts)
kaylasmum Thu 12-Sep-13 11:15:00

I work 6-11 wednesday and thursday, i have 2 kids aged 9 and 6. Quite often my dp falls asleep while watching them in the evening. I know they're old enough to get on wth things themselves but i feel that he should be giving them attention.

This morning my ds said that they were sitting in the dark last night cos their sad was asleep. I asked my dp when i finished work last night if my dd had been for a shower, he said she had'nt, she told me this morning that she had.

Because he has slept for a while in the evening he does'nt go to bed until late so he's tired the next day again. My dcs tell me they hâte me going to work and i think this is why. I spoke to my dp about this today and he basically said its my fault for working evenings!!

So aibu and overreacting.

cestlavielife Thu 12-Sep-13 11:16:09

is he their father?
does he have any medical problem or condition?
does he work very long hours early start?

kaylasmum Thu 12-Sep-13 11:17:39

He is their father, no médical conditions and woks 8-4.30.

Yonihadtoask Thu 12-Sep-13 11:20:04


I often have a little nap in an afternoon.

However, your DP needs to be able to sort out the DC. What time do they go to bed? They were sitting in the dark?

Does he give them dinner?

livinginwonderland Thu 12-Sep-13 11:21:59

He needs to stay awake and sort out his kids, and go to bed earlier like a normal parent. It's understandable that he's tired after work, but so is every other parent and the fact is that you just have to get on with it!

Silverfoxballs Thu 12-Sep-13 11:22:53

How long does he sleep for? I do drop off but do have a medical condition. DS is at secondary school so just takes advantage of the fact to go on Xbox hmm

Sounds like he has just got in to a bad pattern, I think 6 and 9 is too young to get off to bed with 100% success. I think at that age my dc would have forgone brushing their teeth.

Yonihadtoask Thu 12-Sep-13 11:24:14

If he was sorting out dinner, clearing up after - then getting them ready for bed he wouldn't have chance to fall asleep.

Once I am sat down I can nod off easily, but if doing jobs then of course it isn't going to happen.

digerd Thu 12-Sep-13 11:28:35

When I was little and had a DB 3 years older, my dad was looking after us while DM when shopping. DM told me years later, he had fallen asleep and I had done a poo on her sewing machine. She was furious.
Also remember dad dozing in his chair and I wanted to climb up to sit on his lap and tapped his leg. He woke like a bear with a sore head and swiped me with the back of his hand on my leg, telling me never to wake him again. My leg really stungsad
My dad worked 9-5 in an officehmm. He did not drink, so think some men just need lots of sleep and just nod offhmm.

SweepTheHalls Thu 12-Sep-13 11:31:45

If you need more sleep, go to bed earlier!

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:34:53

What time does he put the children to bed? It must be quite early if they are only 6 and 9? Can't he just have his little nap after that?

chocoluvva Thu 12-Sep-13 11:43:48

Off course YNBU.

He clearly doesn't enjoy being on his own with the DC.

kaylasmum Thu 12-Sep-13 11:52:35

I make dinner before i go to work and quite often do the dishes, do the homework with the dcs and get their pjs ready. They go to bed around 9.

He told me they were drawing! I don't i think he probably sleeps for half an hour to an hour as thats how long he tends to sleep when i'm at home. I know he's tired after working all day but he should be interacting with his kids

MrsGarlic Thu 12-Sep-13 12:43:08

I think YANBU. I was going to ask if he slept when you're at home in the evenings but it seems so. I agree he should just go to bed earlier if he's that tired, but the least he could do is sort his children out first, make sure they've had their dinner and are ready for bed at the right time. Leaving them sitting in the dark is not on (although they are old enough to just turn on a light when it gets dark, surely?).

You are NOT at fault for having a job. I don't know if you need the money or not, but it is perfectly acceptable to go out and have some time where you are not caring for children. They are his children too. He should be taking care of them. His working hours are not particularly long, if he cannot cope at all without sleeping in the evening perhaps he should go to the doctor!

QueenArseClangers Thu 12-Sep-13 15:06:38

Yanbu but could you encourage him to take kids up to bed a bit earlier, get them in their jamas (him too) and read to them in bed? Even if that means that all.3 of them are conked out on your bed when you get back at least the kids are 'ready' and perhaps even had some nice bedtime with their dad? Even watching a dvd (providing it finishes at their bedtime) in bed with them would be better than the current situation?

kaylasmum Thu 12-Sep-13 15:24:49

My kids were drawing and probably did'nt realise how dark it was getting , in the end my ds put the light on. My dp does take the dcs up To bed and read à story, its just that he falls asleep im between me going To work and taking them to bed

SkinnybitchWannabe Thu 12-Sep-13 15:57:16

My OH often falls asleep when Im at work. I used to moan at him like crazy..even though he gets up at 4.30am blush.
He normally goes up to bed with our youngest two DS so he can get an early night.
Hes just been diagnosed with sleep apnoea so he uses that as an excuse to why he's tired all the time! I do take his point but never admit it

chocoluvva Fri 13-Sep-13 09:08:25

Still NBU IMO.

If this happened occasionally it wouldn't be so neglectful. Your DC could be getting up to nearly anything while he sleeps. Also it's hurtful for them.

A lot of DH do this though. Then they can have peace and quiet later when everyone else is in bed and watch rubbish on the tv.

mercibucket Fri 13-Sep-13 09:28:39

i quite often have a nap after i pick the kids up from school. they dont need constant parental interaction. irs not ideal but its ok. you cant micro manage their relationship. my kids hate me going out in the eveningbtoo, thats just kids guilt tripping

chocoluvva Fri 13-Sep-13 09:43:47

After dinner naps will interfere with a normal sleep pattern though. Better to hold out till 9pm. If you sit/lie on the sofa/bed nearly anyone would doze off. It's a choice. OP's DH would surely manage if he did something in the evening - even if it doesn't involve the DC.

Canthisonebeused Fri 13-Sep-13 10:18:42

Maybe he needs to get them to bed earlier, 9 pm does seem quite late for their age.

chocoluvva Fri 13-Sep-13 10:33:26

I agree that 9pm is late for most 6YOs.

Branleuse Fri 13-Sep-13 10:42:14

if he falls asleep, then he falls asleep. Surely he doesnt have to answer to you??

chocoluvva Fri 13-Sep-13 10:45:26

He's choosing to fall asleep. (unless he has narcolepsy)

He's not pulling his weight from the sound of it. And he's not looking after the children very well either by the sound of it. sad

obviouslyneedsupernanny Fri 13-Sep-13 10:48:02

Surely if they need him they can just wake him, it's not like he's been drinking and won't be easy to wake

chocoluvva Fri 13-Sep-13 10:53:27

I know. But it's not great for them.

It sounds to me like he's sending you a message: looking after DCis Women's Work, and his working hours are strictly the ones he is being paid for - so when he's at home, domestic stuff is your responsibility. Even though your wages are contributing to the family budget, you do not have a penis, therefore you are on family duty 24/7 and for him to 'look after' his own children is a massive imposition.

chocoluvva Fri 13-Sep-13 11:18:02

I agree.

He's deliberately making it difficult for you to work - he's saying, work if you're determined to, but I'm not going to look after the DC properly while you're at work.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 13-Sep-13 11:19:48

tbh it seems a bit lame that your DC can't turn the light on for themselves when it gets dark and a tad passive aggressive. However I do agree that your DH should sort the children out first and get them up to bed before he falls asleep. My nearly 8yo goes up to bed for about 7.30 even though he doesn't sleep much before 9pm. There are times when he and his 3yo brother are still awake when DH goes to bed at about 9pm but at least they are settled in their rooms.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 13-Sep-13 11:20:41

oh and that is nonsense about it being your fault. That alone would make me very angry

chocoluvva Fri 13-Sep-13 11:21:56

The DC did turn the light on themselves, according to a later post from the OP.

LurcioLovesFrankie Fri 13-Sep-13 11:40:25

I am a single mother. I also WOH. I am "blessed" with a DC who has always, consistently since babyhood, needed about 2 hrs less sleep than the average at any given age - some people are just like that, it is in the nature of statistics. He is 5.5 and currently goes to bed about 8.30, 9.00 ish. No problems with energy levels, concentration, behaviour on this regime - sometimes that's the way things are. You can't force a child to bed at 7.00 if they're not wired that way (well, you can, but you'll have a frustrating hour and half of trying to settle them, having them up for a wee/glass of water/ etc. etc., or end up being the really annoying person griping "my child always wakes me up at 5.00am when you've chosen to give them a ridiculously early bed time). Of course there are times when I'd like a nap, or when it would be lovely to get DS to bed at 7.30 so I can do a bit of housework, indulge in my hobbies or watch a whole film in one sitting before my bedtime. But my life doesn't work out that way - and I chose to be a parent. And it's temporary (things are improving with age as he gets more able to entertain himself).

So I'm inclined to thing SGB has (as she almost always does) nailed it with her comment. Your DH just thinks he's above doing childcare, or that his sleep is important in a way yours isn't, because he's male.

Kewcumber Fri 13-Sep-13 11:44:20

Skinny I know this is hijacking but ...

"Hes just been diagnosed with sleep apnoea so he uses that as an excuse to why he's tired all the time!"

Please try to be sympathetic. I had sleep apnoea and it was like being a living zombie and one of the hardest things was how unsympathetic my family were. It made me very miserable. You will see a huge difference when he is used to his cpap machine.

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