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To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

(245 Posts)
MmmmWhiteWine Wed 11-Sep-13 23:37:14

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

MrsLettuce Wed 11-Sep-13 23:38:15

YANBU

Sparklingbrook Wed 11-Sep-13 23:39:50

YANBU. If they really wanted to get married they could go down to the Registry Office in their jeans.

ItsaTIARA Wed 11-Sep-13 23:41:52

Yanbu. A basic registry office wedding costs about the same as getting their wills drawn up - tell me they've got wills, please.

Unbelievably short sighted to go without the legal protection and certainty of marriage just because you fancy a party.

Sparklingbrook Wed 11-Sep-13 23:43:44

I don't understand long engagements either. Get engaged then married or don't.

boardingschoolbaby Wed 11-Sep-13 23:46:07

Yanbu at all. It seems that lots of people confuse getting married with hosting a massive reception with all the trimmings. Due to us both having big families we did have a big reception etc but when I think back about our wedding what I remember the most fondly would be the church part which cost about £150 (albeit 9 years ago).

FredFredGeorge Wed 11-Sep-13 23:48:37

YABU.

"We can't afford to get married" is a perfectly reasonable way of saying "We cannot afford to have the marriage celebration that we want and our families expect of us"

You need to be a lot less literal in the words you hear.

grumpyoldbat Wed 11-Sep-13 23:50:17

Yanbu about the friend you describe because Weddings don't have to cost £1000s, don't even have to cost £100s. However there will be people who are struggling so much they can't afford even the basic registration fees.

Buttercup4 Wed 11-Sep-13 23:52:26

YABU to be 'pissed off' their life choices shouldn't affect your mood.

YANBU to be annoyed if your friend moans consistently about the implications etc of not being married but doesn't do it because she can't have the party she wants.

smile

Sinkingfeeling Wed 11-Sep-13 23:53:03

The cheapest wedding in a Registry Office costs £45 + £4 for a marriage certificate (notices of marriage are £35 per person). Not so expensive in the scheme of things.

Sparklingbrook Wed 11-Sep-13 23:54:33

Families shouldn't expect anything of a couple getting married. Getting married has nothing to do with having a party.

After 10 years and 2 children together it's odd they have never got round to it or want to bother now.

MammaTJ Wed 11-Sep-13 23:55:46

Not going to apologise. I have been engaged for years. It was our way of showing our commitment to each other without spending money we don't have on the wedding we want.

Yes, we could afford to get married (maybe, just about), but we could not afford to get married in the way we want, with a lot of our friends and family there to celebrate with us. We don't even want a posh sit down meal, just a buffet at the rugby club. Can't even manage that.

We will stay engaged for now and get married when it suits us, thank you very much!

YABU! but I do understand that hearing someone whine about not being able to afford to get married all the time is annoying when they mean they cannot afford the flash wedding.

HmmAnOxfordComma Wed 11-Sep-13 23:56:12

YANBU.

Marriage and a 'wedding' are not the same thing.

They could get married for £50 and save up for the party?

ItsaTIARA Wed 11-Sep-13 23:58:32

But have you got all the legalities sorted out Mamma?

Weller Thu 12-Sep-13 00:00:24

I tend to find when my friends in the past have gone on about something it is to cover something else. A particular friend was constant about not be able too afford 2nd child as she found it easier than telling people they couldn't conceive. The dream wedding maybe her way of deflecting the fact of why they are engaged but have no wedding date.

MammaTJ Thu 12-Sep-13 00:04:01

Yes thanks!

MmmmWhiteWine Thu 12-Sep-13 00:07:13

Pissed off was maybe too strong a description but I just get a bit bored hearing about how they "can't" get married. If they just don't want to get married that's up to them....or if they're holding out for the big Hello type wedding then that's their choice..just wish she'd stop going on about not being "able" to get married when they absolutely could If they wanted to.

WafflyVersatile Thu 12-Sep-13 00:07:35

Maybe what she means is she can't afford a wedding celebration in the style of her choosing and she can't see the point in getting married without it. She's already in a committed relationship. Getting married won't change that.

A disastrous wedding might though

Hazeydays Thu 12-Sep-13 00:13:05

YANBU. As I say (mainly to irritate friends who have chat about 2 grand plus dresses and releasing butterflies doves etc)... it should be a speciial day and of course you should feel special but hopefully that "special" comes from the celebration of your love for the other person to celebrate that the two of you want to be together forever...

of course being able to say that in front of those you love and love you is hugely important too but that doesnt need to cost the earth...

church/burgh hall, buffet from costco and BYOB. Job done. Generally these tend to be the best weddings anyways...

pinkbear82 Thu 12-Sep-13 00:20:38

Yanbu - as someone who is engaged and WANTS a small wedding I am getting most people around me responding to that with shock.
Yes ok, I probably couldn't afford a mega big bash, but actually I don't want that. I want a special day that means something to me and DP (who has done it all before) and I want to share it with those important to me, who will enjoy it for what it is.

morethanpotatoprints Thu 12-Sep-13 00:28:19

I know a couple celebrated their Ruby Anniversary, they were married at Town Hall cheapest rings they could find, went home for egg n chips.

QueenStromba Thu 12-Sep-13 00:32:44

I got engaged today and had a cursory look at wedding venues in the area. There is a place near me in London that will do the civil ceremony, meal for 50 guests, wine with the meal and sparkling wine on arrival for £1000 if I choose one of their specific dates in the next four months. I have a feeling that nobody would know it was anywhere near as cheap.

Tell her to have a look at this website and see if anything near her has a late availability deal.

BigPawsBrown Thu 12-Sep-13 00:45:22

YABU. I have a huge (but close) family (150). I don't want to have to have a tiny registry office wedding because I have no money (I have £1k in the bank so it would literally be my life savings - v foolish). I don't want a lavish wedding but I do want a 'do with my large family and friends and so will wait to do so.

Shellywelly1973 Thu 12-Sep-13 00:52:24

Yabu. Some people feel if they are going to get married that they want to do it in a particular way.

Personally after 14 years with Dp i know i will never 'bother' to get married. It seems like a lot of fuss!

MummyBeerest Thu 12-Sep-13 00:57:12

Ehh...depends I guess.

We had a 200 guest wedding. Culturally, this was a small guest count compared to most we've been to.

We only spent money where necessary (for us, booze, food, photography, the honeymoon). There were times though when we weren't sure if all the expenses were worth it for just one day.

We were engaged for awhile because we both figured that, if we were going to do it, we had to be financially able (just bought a house and then DH lost his job). But we both wanted to get married, so we wanted to ensure we could make our day special.

I guess, though, in your friend's situation, if they've been together for a long while and have children, they're happy as is.

Look on the bright side-you don't have a gift registry to peruse anytime soon.
grin

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Congratulations Queen thanks

Bum!

DameDeepRedBetty Thu 12-Sep-13 01:04:57

Congratulations from me too Queen, although hopefully not as often as WeileWeileWaile

I too have been 'engaged' for approximately 17 years now. Although mostly for tax reasons....

MummyBeerest Thu 12-Sep-13 01:11:20

Oh! Damn slow typing. ..congratulations Queen!

GoshAnneGorilla Thu 12-Sep-13 01:17:26

YANBU. I cannot understand why people are so fixated over big weddings, it's marriage that is the important bit.

BraveLilBear Thu 12-Sep-13 04:06:43

Marriage is much more important than a wedding. But part of a wedding is asking those present to help support the marriage- which is just as it should be.

Yes you can get married on a shoestring, but many people believe in doing it the once, and doing it properly.

It may wrong for families to force expectations on couples, but often the expectation comes in the form ofexpecting an invite. When big families are involved the pressure is immense. And frankly it wouldn't feel right for us to get married without having our large families present.

Even ruling out anything fancy it will take us a couple of years to be able to afford a modest wedding.

YABU. But I can see how it would be annoying to keep hearing someone whinge about it.

CairngormsClydesdale Thu 12-Sep-13 05:18:04

YANBU.

"Doing it properly" means spending xk? hmm Oh the humanity!

Mind you OP, some people are just dumb as rocks. I once new a chap who said condoms were too expensive. Guess how that one ended!

frogspoon Thu 12-Sep-13 06:05:18

YABU to judge them on their life decisions.

But if they moan about them all the time YANBU to get annoyed by the moaning.

SubliminalMassaging Thu 12-Sep-13 06:16:17

YANBU. and I don't understand all this living together and having a couple of kids first and then having a huge white wedding a few years later. confused

MammaTJ Thu 12-Sep-13 06:23:05

YANBU. and I don't understand all this living together and having a couple of kids first and then having a huge white wedding a few years later.

Luckily for you, I'm not asking you to understand it! My life is not your business! grin

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 12-Sep-13 06:52:09

You would think that with the MiL. Childfree, have to invite my DNephews/Nieces, Family I haven't seen for X years, Estranged parents, Bride/guestzilla, didn't tell anyone we got married wedding threads on here. Posters would understand that organising a wedding/getting married to suit yourself is really quite difficult.

RafflesWay Thu 12-Sep-13 06:56:59

DNBU! As many others have said, if they TRULY want to marry then how does money come into it as it costs peanuts for a quick Registry Office ceremony. Also I know I will be flamed but I totally disagree with unmarried couples having children. I was the product of an unmarried couple who split when I was under 5. Mother went on to marry someone else shortly afterwards. They had 2 children of their own - no contact with my "father" - and I was most definitely the odd one out. I left home at 15 and haven't had any contact with my "family" for nearly 30 years. I have struggled with very low self esteem all my life. My dd - who unfortunately has SLD - is the most secure and confident person you will ever meet, despite her difficulties. DH and I were married 15 years before she was born and still blissfully happy after 35 years. I totally agree both my "parents" were crap - stepfather even worse - but children of married parents have a so much better and secure platform for life even where there is divorce later at least the children are better protected both emotionally and financially.

BraveLilBear Thu 12-Sep-13 07:44:23

Raffles I'm sorry about your experiences. It's not always that straightforward though. My DP and I met when we were 30. Quite soon we realised we wanted to commit to each other and started looking at getting married. However when we realised that we would need to save up for years to afford a wedding we decided to have children first because at aged over 30, we didn't know if our fertility would be affected.

DS was born 7weeks ago. We're planning to marry in 2 years or so.

soontobeburns Thu 12-Sep-13 07:54:10

Against the grain YABU.

I cant afford to get Married. Yes I could afford the wedding and all I want is an in and out job and would do it tomorrow if I could.....but I cant afford to be married.

Im working nmw and he isnt and we both live at home. So yes we could get married but we would have nowhere to live as we can't afford rent. I dont wanna get married and not live together in our own place.

flowery Thu 12-Sep-13 07:58:58

" I was the product of an unmarried couple who split when I was under 5. Mother went on to marry someone else shortly afterwards. They had 2 children of their own - no contact with my "father" - and I was most definitely the odd one out."

Sounds like you had a rough time, but do you honestly think none of that would have happened if your parents had been married?

I do struggle to understand why people get engaged to be married if they have no intention of actually getting married.

RafflesWay Thu 12-Sep-13 08:06:51

I hear what you are saying Brave but what you need to save for is the big wedding day. It is just my opinion but if I was in your situation I would have a quick registry office ceremony now and have the big wedding once you can afford to. That would offer your baby much more security believe me but I know people nowadays just think I am an out of touch old woman. Many congrats on the recent birth of your lovely DS Brave and whatever happens in the future never let anyone treat your darling boy as second best. I have been incredibly lucky as I escaped an extremely toxic and damaging situation and met the most fantastic man but I see so many others who have had similar backgrounds to me who haven't been so fortunate and they are the ones I feel deeply for.

PartyOrganisor Thu 12-Sep-13 08:08:28

I would also say that in the UK, I would always be married if you have children, mainly because you are much better protected by the law (and your dcs too).

soon it is a different situation though isn't it? The Op is talking about a couple living together under the same roof, who have 2 dcs already.

Yes what it means is they can't have the big party they would like. But it does bear the question on whether they would be getting married for the marriage or for the party if they were to have the money to do it.

reggiebean Thu 12-Sep-13 08:12:42

YABU. It (should be) a once-in-a-lifetime event, and if you want a big do, that's your right. Yes, you can technically get married for very little, but many people want their family and friends as part of that day, so it's not unreasonable to save up for it and put it off until you can have what you want.

However, if they're not actually saving towards it and just moaning about it, then YANBU. grin

ImpatientOne Thu 12-Sep-13 08:12:44

YANBU and I agree with the other posters differentiating between marriage & a wedding.

I honestly think waiting/saving for a huge expensive wedding puts more pressure on people to have some perfect fairy tale event which is so stressful you can completely loose the meaning.

On numerous occasions when planning our wedding I was asked about our food, dresses, hotel etc. but very rarely were people interested in the actual ceremony plans. I find it sad that the ceremony can feel like the most insignificant part & something to 'get through' to get to the booze, food & presents...

PartyOrganisor Thu 12-Sep-13 08:13:11

Yes agree with Raffles too. You can separate the 'legal side of things' with a marriage at the registry office and the 'party side of things' to do later on.

When O got married, we had litttle money. We got married on a shoe string (I mean a lot of the things we did were on a 'swap basis'. You do the catering, we will do X for you type of things). We had family around and a small wedding. The important bit was the marriage not the party.

soontobeburns Thu 12-Sep-13 08:13:49

Yes PartyOrganisor I suppose it is. Just my own annoyance that we cant ger married ourselves. I suppose thinking about in context of the op YANBU but devils advocate here grin

RafflesWay Thu 12-Sep-13 08:14:35

Flowery I doubt very much my "parents would have stayed together - I struggle give either of them that title - but my so called father was blocked from contact with me and as he had no legal obligation anyway he just emigrated - never to be heard of again! Also the different name thing was horrible at school. Where parents aren't married - unless changed by Deed Poll - the child has a different surname to at least one parent. Don't want to hijack this thread in any way but it REALLY gets my hackles rising when I hear people saying marriage is just a piece of paper. I also don't understand people getting engaged if they have no intention of marrying but each to their own. My concern is always for the children.

marriedinwhiteisback Thu 12-Sep-13 08:14:45

YANBU. I don't understand it either - if people want to get married they can get married; what they might not get is a designer frock and an over the top party on a par with a ball.

Getting married is cheap and should be about sincerity and love between two people; the wedding party has become an over aspirant show off occasion and totally unnecessary. I blame the commercial wedding industry.

The local church and village hall with a buffet and friends used to be more than suffient.

I think it's really sad that the focus has shifted from the marriage which is important to and extravagant party which for the stability and love in the marriage isn't.

RafflesWay Thu 12-Sep-13 08:15:45

TO GIVE EITHER OF THEM THAT TITLE! Too early in the day for fast typing.

RhondaJean Thu 12-Sep-13 08:16:20

YANBU.

A wedding is a party. Nothing more nothing less.

You can get married - the important bit - for peanuts.

We have all become blinded to teh obvious.

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 08:24:07

YABU, we cannot afford to get married. When we got engaged last year I had a well paid job and expected we'd be married by now. Unfortunately I no longer have a well paid job.
Fair enough we don't have to pay for the church but will be expected to make a donation,
I do not want to get married in my jeans and I want to celebrate afterwards with family and good friends. This costs money, even done cheaply, and we do not have it.
What would you suggest? We call off the engagement?

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 08:25:35

And no I don't want a designer dress or an over the top party.

Damnautocorrect Thu 12-Sep-13 08:34:14

It's a special personal day people want to mark it in the day they wish. We all have personal taste and all have choices.

Perhaps they should say 'we don't have the money to get married how we'd like to.

marriedinwhiteisback Thu 12-Sep-13 08:35:13

Well Jemima the purpose of the engagement is to herald the marriage; engaged to be married. All depends what's important to you. Now, when we got engaged the engagement was announced no more than six months before the marriage and we had booked the church and the reception arrangements before making the engagement announcement. We also got engaged as a precursor to marriage because we had enough money to get married and start a family before that. Mind you we didn't live together formally beforehand - invest in property with a man who hadn't proposed, bought a ring and said his vows. It's about commitment to a forever life together not a party or about what you wear. If you really want the marriage, surely the party and the children can come later.

I worked with a girl who. Had spent 22k on her wedding, got pg on honeymoon and then didn't stop whingeing about coming back to work when the bbaby was 4 months old and they were so skint. I don't understand the emhasis, I really don't.

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 08:42:33

Like I said married when we got engaged to be married we had the money. I was then made redundant so we don't have the money.
So I should get married anyway in my normal clothes, with no celebration?

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 08:47:48

If being married is important to you then go and get married in a Registry Office.

If you can't afford it the bash can wait surely?

queenofdrama Thu 12-Sep-13 08:55:08

YANBU. Registry office then small, intimate reception ata hotel, inviting only the people who matter. It baffles me why anyone needs to be a sheep & have a stag/hen dos abroad. Is it strippers they're after? <seedy> Strippers are NOT a prerequisite for throwing a hen/stag party. Why not suggest her having a pamper party at home or a piss up in the local or have a joint party?
Dh & I managed to get married for £5k including honeymoon abroad!

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 08:55:29

I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends. I'm also of the stance of thinking if you don't plan on getting married anytime soon then don't bother eating engaged. Get engaged when you can afford to get married.

My husband proposed to me last October and we got married in less than 5 calendar months.

However, on the flip side I can totally understand why a woman would rather be engaged for years and want to save up for the wedding of their dreams as opposed to just popping down the local registry office. Most women dream about the beautiful venue, the beautiful dress, bridesmaids, sit down meal, professional photographers, videographers, hairstylists, make up artists, beautiful flowers, wedding favours, gorgeous reception, exotic honeymoon etc the whole she-bang and having a day they will remember for the rest of their lives. And I believe this is every woman's right!

Me and my husband had this kind of day and just stuck it on a new credit card which thankfully we can afford to pay off a good enough chunk each month, but not everybody can do this. Most women probably plan on only getting married once and if they want to hold onto the 'dream wedding' fantasy and endeavour to have that one day then so they should!!

If me and my husband couldn't have afforded the wedding we did I wouldn't have gone down the registry office!! I would rather be engaged for hers and save for years and years if necessary if that's what it took to make sure I could have the Wedding I'd always wanted.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 08:55:44

I was talking about this the other day with one of my friends. I'm also of the stance of thinking if you don't plan on getting married anytime soon then don't bother eating engaged. Get engaged when you can afford to get married.

My husband proposed to me last October and we got married in less than 5 calendar months.

However, on the flip side I can totally understand why a woman would rather be engaged for years and want to save up for the wedding of their dreams as opposed to just popping down the local registry office. Most women dream about the beautiful venue, the beautiful dress, bridesmaids, sit down meal, professional photographers, videographers, hairstylists, make up artists, beautiful flowers, wedding favours, gorgeous reception, exotic honeymoon etc the whole she-bang and having a day they will remember for the rest of their lives. And I believe this is every woman's right!

Me and my husband had this kind of day and just stuck it on a new credit card which thankfully we can afford to pay off a good enough chunk each month, but not everybody can do this. Most women probably plan on only getting married once and if they want to hold onto the 'dream wedding' fantasy and endeavour to have that one day then so they should!!

If me and my husband couldn't have afforded the wedding we did I wouldn't have gone down the registry office!! I would rather be engaged for hers and save for years and years if necessary if that's what it took to make sure I could have the Wedding I'd always wanted.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 08:57:42

So the being married bit isn't as important as the huge bash Writer? I don't get it.

Surely the main thing is the marriage? confused Everything else is secondary.

StupidMistakes Thu 12-Sep-13 09:02:11

Depends if the people saying it are living hand to mouthand it being a case of food or getting married. Mywedding cost less than 400 including honey moon stay at a hotel. I was just 17 didn't want a big white dress. In the end it didn't work out and next time I would want the church and dress with just those closest

Doesnotdrinkalcohol Thu 12-Sep-13 09:07:00

Like a previous poster has said, you are being way too literal with the terms your friend is using. She wants and her fiance, I'm guessing to have a big wedding where she can celebrate in style and have 'a lavish day to remember' type of thing. Get over it. Switch off or change the subject if it pisses you off that much. YABU.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 09:09:46

sparkling - I just viewed it as marriage being for life, to have someone with you until you die to support you, love you, have a family with etc.

People have 30, 40, 50 years to enjoy and be part of a marriage, but they only have 1 opportunity to have their actual Wedding, so why shouldn't that one day amongst the 'forever-ness of marriage" be something you really, really want?

FingerPicker Thu 12-Sep-13 09:15:09

YAB a bit U.

DP and I have been together for 20 years. We are not maried.

I'd do it in a heartbeat, but DP feels too much pressure to do the £5k+ wedding - money we simply do not have.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 09:15:36

If marriage is for life start the life straight away. grin Worry about parties later. Nobody knows what's round the corner.

havingamadmoment Thu 12-Sep-13 09:15:55

sometimes I think people say this simply because they dont want to get married either at all or yet and they feel they have to explain it somehow. My sister is always saying this and yet when they came into a bit of money and COULD pay for it it suddenly changed to other non money related reasons - mostly for the sake of my gran who keeps asking!

havingamadmoment Thu 12-Sep-13 09:16:52

Oh I had a small registry office wedding with about 20 people and a meal out after but it was still fab!

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 09:24:22

I had a teeny tiny church wedding with 16 guests. It was brilliant.

DownstairsMixUp Thu 12-Sep-13 09:27:46

I think YABU as some people do really want the whole big shebang and would rather wait it out years than have a small do. Each to their own.

Where are all these cheap registry offices?! We are having a relatively cheapo wedding in 2015 but the registry office is 347!

MadameLeBean Thu 12-Sep-13 09:29:41

A colleague of mine got legally married and then they had a big wedding 4 years later when they could afford it.

I'm considering this as want to be married to DP now but we can't afford a wedding (without annoying our families by excluding half of them for cost reasons).

Or alternatively ill check out that link Queen, thanks.

I wouldn't want to spend thousands and thousands on one day when I could spend it on doing up my house, but my family have certain expectations. So I think we are going to ask them to contribute.

PartyOrganisor Thu 12-Sep-13 09:31:13

The thing is we have been sold the idea of the fairy tale wedding with flowers, lots of people that you hardly see normally in a church in a beautiful white dress. That's what every single girl has been made to dream about and icansee why for some women, they would feel cheated if they were not getting that.
For others, a marriage is about showing your commitment to each other. It's about sharing that time with people that matter, ie close family and friends.

All acceptable but I think people should be talking about not getting married because they can' afford the wedding they want rather than saying they can't afford to get married.

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 09:31:47

But I don't want the whole shebang, can't afford an intimate meal afterwards or a small reception at a hotel.
Couldn't get married at a registry office as it would be meaningless to me, we will be married at church.

All of you saying only get engaged when you can afford to get married, what happens if that's what you did but then circumstances change - as they did in our case - ?

PartyOrganisor Thu 12-Sep-13 09:33:07

I do question the point of spending 22k on a wedding though. X
Don any things you could do with that sort of money. I could finish repaying myrrh age with that to start with!!

YANBU to not want to listen if she is continually moaning. YABU to be 'pissed off' as it is up to then how and when they want to get married.

Dp and I have been together 10yrs. We are not engaged though have talked about getting married at some point. But each time we've started seriously thinking about it another life event has got in the way.

We have 3 dd's. We have wills, life insurance policies assigned to each other and joint mortgage and bank accounts. How would our dd's be better protected if we were married? Genuine question not being snippy as if there is something we have missed I'd like to know.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 09:41:47

Anyone who spends £22'000 on a Wedding is insane!!!

Ours cost £12'000 and that was our maximum budget! We found lots of ways to cut costs including eBay and me getting my dress from an Outlet Store. We also managed to get a £4'000 discount on the Venue as we took a cancellation date. I didn't have real flowers and utilised my friends to do hair and make-up. My bridesmaid dresses were ordered in cheaply from abroad and we went with the cheapest Wedding Package in terms of how many guests we could have, which was only 60. There are always ways of cutting costs.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation Jemima Your situation is completely different as you fully intended to get married quickly but the decision was taken out your hands. I really hope you manage to save and get the Wedding you want x

DownstairsMixUp Thu 12-Sep-13 09:42:18

I think get engaged when you want, it's no one's business if you're engaged 20 years of 2 years or 2 months. I've been engaged since early last year and won't be married till 2015 and like I said, it's not overly dear just been waiting for the right time money wise.

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 09:43:48

Thanks Writer so do I smile

sparechange Thu 12-Sep-13 09:56:27

Writer Where do you draw the line on what is and isn't acceptable to spend on a wedding?! You spent a fortune by a lot of peoples' standards, so can't really judge anyone who spends a bit more or less than you
It is all relative to what you can afford.
These threads all get a bit competitive-frugality, from experience

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 09:58:35

That's true spare. I do think it's what you can afford. I don't really understand having a loan for a wedding.

£12,000 for one day seems a lot to me. I just think what that could pay for. A new car etc....

monkeybuts Thu 12-Sep-13 10:00:56

..We can afford the wedding we want. We can't afford the wedding everyone else wants. ..

so.. now we are stuck.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 10:03:04

That seems v straightforward to me monkey.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 10:07:00

spare and sparkling - you are both right, I guess we all look at other people's expenditure and compare it to what we could afford. I suppose because I couldn't afford to spend £22'000 on a wedding I think anyone who does it mad, were as in reality they are probably in a financial situation which enables them to spend that much.

I went to a very posh and beautiful wedding a few months ago that neither the bride or groom had to pay for as their parents did. I was talking to the groom's parents who said they'd contributed £17'000 and so had the brides parents. I was like shock shock. But, if people have that amount of money to spend then to them it probably doesn't seem wasted at all.

Ps) I would never treat myself to a new car because I'm an horrendous driver. I wrote my first car off after 6 months and have bashed my current car 3 times in just over 18 months....including reversing into a very large tree when leaving the posh wedding smile

Florabeebaby Thu 12-Sep-13 10:12:53

My wedding cost £200...it was very small grin but nice.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 10:14:11

grin Writer yes, don't buy a new car.

monkeybuts Thu 12-Sep-13 10:17:19

writer :D

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 10:19:54

My car insurance is £138 a month, haha - that should indicate just how bad a driver I am grin I even drove straight into a road sign once when I was trying to park, my spatial awareness isn't very good you see grin

flowery Thu 12-Sep-13 10:21:15

*"..We can afford the wedding we want. We can't afford the wedding everyone else wants. ..

so.. now we are stuck."*

Not really. When everyone else gets married they can have the wedding they want. When you get married you have the wedding you want. Easy.

angelos02 Thu 12-Sep-13 10:25:32

I always think it is bonkers when people spend more than a few grand on a wedding unless they are loaded (eg, 20K wouldn't make a dent in their (or their parent's savings).

A wedding lasts around 12 hours. £20k could make a huge a difference to a house deposit.

DH & I had a smallish wedding as we wanted to leave our house deposit savings (around 50k) as untouched as possible.

Myliferocks Thu 12-Sep-13 10:29:18

We've been engaged for 18 years. Every time we spoke about getting married I became pregnant so we never got round to it.
I would quite happily like a small wedding with just me,DP, our 5 DC and 2 witnesses.
DP would like to invite parents as well.
It might be possible to get married on the cheap but if you haven't got any money then you haven't got any money.
Every time we've had a little bit of money it's either gone on essentials for our DC or for our house.

Our wedding was fabulous, we got married in the week at the local registry office, just friends and our/their children invited, then we went to local cheapy restaurant where everyone bought their own meals, then dumped the children with grandparents and all hit the town - absolutely great day had by all, cost £150.00 all in including clothes, and the cost of a normal meal/night out for our friends - the kind of thing we all do regularly together anyway. We are the happiest couple we know.

{wont mention the 10k affair that the first wedding was lasting only 4 weeks - he was a total knob jockey though!}

Dramamama Thu 12-Sep-13 10:42:28

Yanbu, we have 2 children and were engaged for 2yrs during which we saved like mad and budgeted and had a beautiful church wedding with an English high tea reception (scones, sandwiches etc...) and a Buffett later on it was simple and inexpensive (I made bunting and borrowed lots of birdcages etc.. From a friend who's house is packed with stuff like that) it can be done on a budget! That said if dh said on a wet Wednesday 'come on let's just nip down the registry office' I would have done it in a heartbeat! There's just so much organising ugh! confused

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 10:44:03

FredFredGeorge sums it up really.

Everyone expects a big do in our circle - their weddings tend to rival Tatler Society do's and then if you organise a small do, people get arsey they're not invited. And you need to choose a couple of witnesses which causes offence to those not chosen and makes the 'chosen ones' uncomfortable in the social circle. It's a right old conundrum.

It's a genuine complaint. It's the reason I'm not married whether you believe me or not.

It's got to the point where I only want to actually Marry for the legal rights, such is the drama from those around us every time a wedding is mentioned.

YABU.

MadameLeBean Thu 12-Sep-13 10:47:02

Yy snooping. And people who invite you to their wedding.. Then you feel you have to invite them to yours confused

EllesAngel Thu 12-Sep-13 10:48:29

So to those who are saying have a Registry Office do and have the party afterwards what happens if you want to say your vows in front of family and friends? What happens if the total number of family and friends is more than the max number allowed in the Registry Office? What do you do with your guests afterwards because most people who are invited to a wedding tend to expect a meal or something after the event, not months down the line.

HmmAnOxfordComma Thu 12-Sep-13 10:49:53

Drama - ours was a wet Wednesday nip down to the registry office (48 hours notice required) and nobody else there. Quite literally raining and on a Wednesday smile

Mine was a wet Thursday smile and it was lovely smile

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 10:51:06

Tell them when the Registry Office wedding is and ask them along if they want to come, but explain that the mahoosive bash will be at a later date Elles.

They might not want to come.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 10:51:38

My auntie got married in a Registry Office and ad their reception at a local pub in one of their function rooms. It was hilarious as the Reception was a fancy dress theme and my auntie, the bride, turned up as a massive bumble bee!! Very bizarre but they absolutely loved it!!!

People should have the wedding they want and b*llocks to what other people expect!

If other people do have certain 'expectations' about what the wedding should entail they should dip their hands in their wallets and provide the money for it. Until they do, their opinion is their own business!

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 10:53:25

hmm and baby - .apparently it is meant to be extremely good luck for the marriage if it rains on your wedding day smile I'm holding on to that because it p*ssed it down on mine too grin

mrsyattering Thu 12-Sep-13 10:54:19

It can be done for next to nothing

couple get married for a pound

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 10:56:20

MadameLeBean, it's a big problem. My heart sinks with every new invitation!

I've looked into a secret wedding a few times because a great big bash is not practical financially. We could probably borrow loads to do it but why would we when we have a DC to consider and we are bursting at the seams in our current home and have to buy a bigger home in the next couple of years?

No one would be happy for us, everyone will just be fed up they didn't get invited if we marry in a registry.

As it stands, when I've figured out the witness bit, I'll do the honours and just not really tell anyone we did it!

It'll make no difference to anyone but the friends sniping that I use cost as an excuse grin

Dramamama Thu 12-Sep-13 10:59:34

Hmm and babydubs I can honestly say if we did it all again that's all I'd want but we both have huge family's and wanted them involved (well dh did hmm) and I got married on the 3rd of August this yr and after all that gorgeous weather it bucketed down confused so yes rain is CLEARLY excellent luck! grin

flowery Thu 12-Sep-13 11:00:28

"No one would be happy for us, everyone will just be fed up they didn't get invited if we marry in a registry"

Goodness, really? I wouldn't worry at all at upsetting those kind of people tbh.

EllesAngel Thu 12-Sep-13 11:03:39

Fair enough Sparkling smile that doesn't quite answer the question of what you do when the total number of your guests exceeds the max number allowed in the Registry Office.

Oh, and Writer, forgot to say, please tell me you don't live in the north west wink

Mia4 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:04:03

Yabu when you know it's the lavish do she wants and can't afford but yanbu to think it doesn't have to be that way, that she could do it very cheap however yabu because you know that's not what they want.

Ywnbu to point out that weddings can be done more affordably and point out moneysavingexpert website which shows it or point out that if marriage is all they want its cheap and quick at registry however you know it's the wedding day that they want that they can't afford so she may just point that back out to you. But people do like to go all out when it's to be just the once and I think it's better to not to and wait (irritating as moaning can be) then get in debt for it and when photographers and the like here that there services are needed for a wedding prices do shoot up.

It's irritating when anyone moans about something all the time but I expect you have done the same or will do at some point op. Years ago my job was awful and I moaned for a year before biting the bullet and changing. My friend got po with my continual rants and I could just take a different job however much it wouldn't fit in my eyes. Now she is the one behaving exactly the same in her job. It all comes around-as I said I'm sure you have done same to her at dome point op for a different reason and she may well have felt as irritated as you.

LouiseAderyn Thu 12-Sep-13 11:06:14

I think that if you don't have dc, then you can afford the time it takes to save. But if not being married males you legally or financially vulnerable, then the priority should be to actually get married!

As much as you might want the big day, the truly important thing should be to protect yourself and your children, should the relationship go wrong or your partner dies. People don't realise that in holding out for years for the big wedding, they are risking their inheritance and pension rights now.

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 11:08:10

Well trust me, when I've discussed a quiet wedding with people, they've all said 'but I have to be there', or, 'well, you came to my wedding so...'

I just need to do it with no one there to feel comfortable!

We did a budget Christening which didn't feel right apart from the actual Christening of my child church bit.

It's clearly not just Bridezilla's that turn into wankers where weddings are concerned from my experience!

Anyonedotcom Thu 12-Sep-13 11:08:20

Can anyone explain to me the legal/tax benefits of getting married? I'm ashamedly ignorant of them.

Me and Dp have been engaged for 2.5 years have 2 kids but many debts so couldnt even afford a registry office. We have both recently moved into new jobs/better paid roles do hopefully soon a small wedding will be feasible.

Wallison Thu 12-Sep-13 11:08:38

Yabu to not realise that just because weddings can be done cheaply, clearly your friend doesn't want that and it makes her unhappy. Just because you think you have the answer to her problems doesn't mean you actually do.

DamnBamboo Thu 12-Sep-13 11:08:59

YANBU.
It is cheap to get married. Less than £150.

You could then have people back for drinks/nibbles.
Or even say, we would like to invite you to join us for lunch at xxxxx but we are unable to afford to pay for guests so if you could like to join us, we would love to see you.
This should be accompanied by a no presents please message.

I went to a wedding like this once. Fabulous time had by all, nobody minded buying their own dinner and drinks and many still bought cards/presents. Bride looked gorgeous, groom lovely - total cost to them was <£250

elQuintoConyo Thu 12-Sep-13 11:09:16

Yabu.

Not sure what their life's arrangements have to do with you.

Ours was small and cheap and very, very happy. The registrar said he'd never seen a happier couple.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:10:19

ellesangel - you can sleep easy at night, I'm from Leicestershire smile

The issue around the number of guests is a tricky one and I honestly think guest lists are the most stressful part of the wedding. We could only have 60 people due to the size of the main wedding room, and this number was inclusive of me and my husband. By the time we had also deducted parents, best man and bridesmaids we could only invite another 50 people. It was really difficult. Thankfully the package enabled us to invite a further 40 guests to the evening reception but ideally we would have liked everyone to have been able to enjoy the whole day. We were worried about offending hose who only got Evening Invites but there was nothing we could do about it. You just have to be ruthless! smile

DamnBamboo Thu 12-Sep-13 11:10:56

Agree people should have the wedding they want, but don't say you can't afford to get married because it's not likely to be true.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 11:14:29

I think the answer is to split the guest list. The people you would like there on one list, and the people who actually want to be there. Then invite the latter.

I often think that unless you are the Bride and Groom or very close friends or family of them weddings are really boring. blush

EllesAngel Thu 12-Sep-13 11:29:41

I must say here that I'm single so marriage/weddings aren't even in my future right now. These are just questions I'm throwing out there.

Writer I have to agree with you that the guest list has to be the trickiest part, if only because of people's expectations. Have to say with my family I'm lucky they're not the type to demand x, y or z so if I ever get married it wouldn't be them causing the problems.

Sparkling I've only been to a few weddings and I've always enjoyed them but maybe that's the weddings I've been to, most of them have been relaxed and I've had a good time with family and/or friends. Good idea about the guest list though.

LouiseAderyn Thu 12-Sep-13 11:35:16

Anyone, the legal benefits vary depending upon personal circumstances, but just to give an idea - a sahm who is married will be able to claim spousal as well as child support if a marriage ends. An unmarried sahm wouldn't be able to. If the house is in one partners name and that partner dies, unless they are married, the surviving partner has no right to inherit the house unless there is a will and depending on its value inheritance tax might have to be paid. Married people don't pay inheritance tax.

Some employers offer death in service payments or pensions which ar e only payable to a spouse.

Being married gives you a legal voice if your spouse is seriously ill and needs decisions made for them.
There are others - some things can be covered by drawing up a separate legal agreement, but dome of it can't.

usuallyright Thu 12-Sep-13 11:35:18

a friend of mine went to another county with her dh and son. They had one other witness.
They told people when they got back.
We went abroad to get married.
If you really wanted to get married, you just would.
The unmarried couples I know all have the same thing in common: one of them is a bit meh and ambivalent about wedlock, the other one wants to tie the knot, but is sick of nagging the other one about it.

KatoPotato Thu 12-Sep-13 11:38:11

We got married at the local registry office, only had two witnesses. It cost just under £115 for all the admin etc.

It was on Christmas Eve, and we never told anyone until the next morning.

Perfect for us!

KatoPotato Thu 12-Sep-13 11:39:03

Then we took our witnesses to the Chinese buffet restaurant for our 'reception' it was tres ironic.

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 11:42:44

Just £150, just £250 some people simply do not have that you know?

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:43:04

A secret Christmas Eve wedding - that is so romantic, how lovely!!! smile

frankie4 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:43:41

I think the problem is that parents of the bride and groom used to pay for the wedding a generation ago. My parents made a contribution towards my wedding, and had saved up the money over a number of years. They said that if I hadn't have got married they would have spent the money on decorating their house instead!

Now young people are expected to pay for it themselves when quite often they will have parents in their 50's who can much more easily afford to pay towards it.

DamnBamboo Thu 12-Sep-13 11:44:53

Oh please jemima
Of course some people don't have that, but that's very clearly not the rationale being used by the people who are saying 'we can't afford it' in this thread.

If you don't have a spare £150 - certainly most other things will be of much greater concern.

neolara Thu 12-Sep-13 11:44:54

She may find that it's more expensive not to be married. If one of the died, or they separated, she may find herself in a very tricky financial situation.

moondog Thu 12-Sep-13 11:47:23

My wedding cost about £60 I think.
Obsession with huge weddings and posing as virginal bride (when you have been round the block a few times and are knocking on with a couple of kids) mystifies me.
Why?

All weddings turn out pretty much exactly the same anyway.

frankie4 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:48:46

I do agree that expensive hen weekends and honeymoons are unnecessary, and it is easy to save money on the dress etc. but I do understand that people want to have a wedding party that they can invite their friends and family to, to celebrate together. That is common amongst all cultures, and for a lot of people a registry office wedding with no party after is not the same.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:49:36

That's the spirit Moondog grin grin

KatoPotato Thu 12-Sep-13 11:50:03

It was a lovely day, thick snow so lovely photos!

Also I was 8months pg at the time with DS, and in our main wedding photo (us in front of the council sign) thee was a wee robin perched there, so that's where his name came from too!

We got married thirty years ago in our nearest registry office with immediate family only invited. The cost of the registrar, the cheapy rings and a cup of tea and a sticky bun afterwards was pretty minimal.

I reckon Marriedinwhite must be about the same age as me, because my family would have had a complete meltdown if DH and I had lived together 'in sin' . The first night we spent together was our wedding night - although I was five months pregnant, so not shacking up together hadn't stopped us from finding time alone grin

I do find weddings very boring though and the bigger they are, the more I will wriggle out of going. It seems such a waste of money for one day.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:51:37

I just keeps getting better Kato - it sounds like something you'd read in a Romance Novel smile

moondog Thu 12-Sep-13 11:52:06

How lovely Kato.

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 11:52:25

Damn I am saying I can't afford it. I am saying that on this thread.
Whilst I would love a big wedding I would be happy with a small one but we simply can not afford it.
Not everyone who says they cannot afford to get married wants a £20k wedding.

sparklebabe Thu 12-Sep-13 11:52:28

The cheapest it would cost me to get married in the area I live would be £444.00 but that's not including a venue, That's £35.00 x 2 for notice, £370.00 for the registrars fee and £4.00 for a certificate. That's not mega money but still quite expensive for anyone who is struggling.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 11:56:02

You're right sparkle - it's ridiculous. I think the cost of all our legal bits came to just over £500. People seem to forget about those costs and that it isn't just the wedding experience that has to be funded.

livinginwonderland Thu 12-Sep-13 11:58:39

I got engaged two weeks ago, but I don't plan on getting married for at least two years. Sure, we could get married this weekend if we wanted, but we want to wait. That's our choice. On the flip-side, if people want to get married a few months after getting engaged, that's their choice.

I just think people need to live and let live. But I agree that saying "I can't afford it" isn't a reason not to get married. They mean they can't afford a huge party, not that they can't afford to get married.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 12:05:20

Can I ask living, and this is a genuine, non-Judgey question, but why do you want to wait? You imply it isn't for financial reasons so what is it? And if you want to wait it indicates you don't want to get married yet, and so if you don't want to get married then why get engaged?

Like I say, purely asking out of interest, not judgement or nastiness of any form smile

JemimaPuddle Thu 12-Sep-13 12:06:43

living have you read my posts? As others have said the bare minimum ie legal stuff is a few hundred.
Not being able to afford to get married is a perfectly ok reason not to do so.

SubliminalMassaging Thu 12-Sep-13 12:07:35

I don't understand long engagements either.

Me neither. Someone I know just got married for the first time aged 40. She and her fiance both have great jobs, no kids, have been on the property ladder for years, and were engaged for two years. confused

What on earth were they waiting for?

notanyanymore Thu 12-Sep-13 12:10:17

YABU unreasonable because its none of your damn business!

SuitedandBooted Thu 12-Sep-13 12:11:22

We got married at the Registry office, didn't tell our families, and had just 2 friends as witnesses. I borrowed a fab dress, and my friend bought me a lovely bouquet. Afterwards we met up with 6 other friends at a local wine bar to celebrate.
It was totally stress free, and far preferable to gathering up all our relatives, eg: - we have 6 siblings between us, and only one was living in the UK at the time (in Scotland, and we live in Hampshire!). We're certainly not poor, but it just seemed a damn site more simple than planning a big wedding, or alternatively arranging a Civil Partnership. I really don't see the point of big weddings - ultimately, the only people who matter are the couple, and how they develop their relationship. Why do you need an army of people to see you do it?confused

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 12:13:46

Why do you need an army of people at christenings?
Why do you need an army of people at birthday parties?

It isn't about needing them there, it is about wanting them there to celebrate with you.

livinginwonderland Thu 12-Sep-13 12:24:00

writer it's a good question. We could afford to get married now but I just like the idea of being engaged for a while. We're not in a rush to marry (we've only been together 8 months although I've known him 2 years) and I'm just enjoying living with him and being engaged really.

Plus, we're planning a big holiday of a lifetime to South Africa next year and I'd rather spend my money on that!

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 12:27:54

So the legals cost around 500 quid.

We'd still want to wear something decent, rings even cheapie ones cost money.

I'd want my hair cut and blowed at least.

I'd want to treat my two 'chosen' witnesses to lunch and my DC would be there.

So lunch for 5 in a reasonable eaterie and you're looking at about a grand all in.

That's without inevitable admin costs somewhere for changing name on mortgage/driving licence/passport etc.

A grand is still a lot of money. That's the wedding I'd happily have but it's not exactly cheap is it.

That's without the fallout of everyone else moaning!

Damned if you do / damned if you don't.

Why they just can't give us sinners legal rights if there's a partner's death I don't know. Those that love the sanctity of marriage can do it, and those of us who constantly fret about the legal implications of not being married could relax a little.

I'm expecting a slating for even raising the last point but I can't pretend I don't think it.

LondonMother Thu 12-Sep-13 12:29:21

A generation ago parents of the bride were expected to pay. Now apparently they aren't but the guests are often expected to pay through the nose for clothes, accommodation, travel, gifts and possibly if they're really unlucky attending the hen/stag weekends as well. If a couple have been together for a long time first, they don't need gifts, so why not simply ask the guests to contribute to the cost of the reception? Or have a bring a bottle/dish type reception.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 12:30:00

But if they were honest do they want to be there Writer? Judging by threads on here a lot would be grateful to not go.

Me23 Thu 12-Sep-13 12:30:19

I'm getting really annoyed at the posters that keep stating that people can afford to get married but what they mean is they can't afford a big party hmm

I literally cannot afford to get married it would mean the choice between not feeding my family for a 2 weeks or getting married for bare minimum which at my registry office would be £119 including the notice of intention which is £35 pound each and a simple ceremony with 2 witnesses.

We are currently paying off debts so do not have the money to save.

We are educated and normal people yet in a bad financial situation right now, yes people like us do exist!

PosyNarker Thu 12-Sep-13 12:30:51

YANBU is she is banging on about it unprompted.

YAB a bit U if like me she's being asked all the time by people whose business it frankly is not and this is her stock response.

DP and I have been together for a very long time. We are committed and yes have out legalities sorted out hmm

If I was to explain to everyone exactly why we waited I'd have to sit them down with a nice cup of tea and bore them with details. They still might not agree with our preferences and decisions but they are ours, so I kept it simple & said we couldn't get married until we finished our house. Of course that wasn't true.

What I actually meant was:

DP has saved up to spend X on an engagement ring for me and we have put aside Y for the wedding. I'm am wary of actually spending it all until I can be sure I don't need it for work on our new house that been full of unpleasant surprises.

I'd feel like a proper prat if we spent the money on an engagement & wedding and then couldn't afford work needed to keep the roof from leaking. I didn't really feel like sharing that level of detail with people in real life because I think the more you share, the more you invite judgement - particularly when it comes to money & weddings grin.

sameoldIggi Thu 12-Sep-13 12:31:19

Admin costs for changing your name aren't inevitable as you don't have to change your name.

ParisianTrialByFire Thu 12-Sep-13 12:32:39

The big party has become so mixed up with the marriage, really. Mine is costing around 10k, I nearly had a heart attack when DP told me that was the budget! I would have been happy with registry office, then everyone down the pub for a bite to eat and a few drinks, but he wanted the big wedding with all the trimmings. And I get people telling me I'm brilliant for doing it on such a small budget!

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 12-Sep-13 12:33:49

I think that where a couple are already living together, already have children then for some the wedding becomes the important event. The married life after isnt going to feel at all different from the unmarried life before.

In this situation I think that there is a huge temptation (read also pressure) to turn the wedding into the meaningful event. Before you know it you are matching the flowers in with the Father-of-the-Groom's underwear all so that you can demonstrate how much you love each other (as though the children and 10 years of living together isnt enough)

Where a couple havnt lived together before and the wedding night is going to be your first legitimate night together then the wedding is all about being a precursor to the life to come. Much less interest in having a great big party if you have better things to be getting on with!

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 12:36:17

Also to people suggesting that guests chip in or pay for their own meal or such.

Have you seen the posts here slating people for asking for money on their invites?

It is rather off putting!

PartyOrganisor Thu 12-Sep-13 12:38:28

writer it's a good question.
And also how many is a lot?

In my and DH family, there is little in way of close family. DH has one brother and I am a single child. No uncle or aunt on DH side (all dead or NC for various reasons) and I had out of the 3 uncle/aunt on my side only one could make as the other were overseas (think Australia type of area).
So close family for me meant parents, one uncle and wife, 2 grand mothers.
Not a lot.

On the other side, some people have several aunts/uncles who all have children that have to be there. Same with grand parents on both sides etc.. And you HAVE to invited so and so 'because they are family and even if you haven't seen them since you were 3yo'.
I know a friend of mine cancelled her wedding because they found themselves having to invite so many people that were in effect meaningless to them but were 'family' that it got too much. Too many people. Too many arguments. It was easier not to get married.
They didn't have children though, nor are they planning any.

BettyandDon Thu 12-Sep-13 12:39:01

IME it is very hard to have a cheap wedding unless all your guests gift you the goods and services required to do it.

Our registrar charged £350 alone! So even doing it by yourself isn't that cheap.

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 12:39:30

SameOldIggy no you don't have to change your name but a lot of women do!

How many married women refer to themselves as 'Miss'?

EldritchCleavage Thu 12-Sep-13 12:42:27

I do!

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 12:43:17

sparkling - to be fair, I hate going to Christenings!!! I have never turned down a Wedding or Birthday Party Invite though. However, being forced to attend the parties for our friend's children is a complete ball ache grin We have recently had to attend two 1st Birthday Parties and I can't say they were exactly riveting grin

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 12:44:43

Oh yes Christenings are awful Writer. Unless you are v close.

DH put sweets out on the pews for our 16 guests as he said weddings are boring. grin

moondog Thu 12-Sep-13 12:53:03

How about the ultimate inanity
'We are going to get engaged on Christmas Eve/my birthday/the anniversary of the hamster's death.'
Eh?

A (very nice) person just told me about her bf's down on one knee proposal in a family party.
I would have gone right off my dh had he done something so toe curlingly naff.
We seem to live in an age when things only exist if they are announced in front of others.
I love my kids so I therefore will tattoo their names on my wrists.
I am having a fantastic holiday thus I will post about it on FB every 30 minutes.
My bf loves me thus he will propose in front of all and sundry.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 12:55:08

Everything has to be shared to make it valid moondog. If you don't share it then it didn't happen. grin

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 12:55:33

The last Christening I went to had a very bizarre reception! They had made loads of Fairy Cakes and on top of them were edible pictures of their baby's face!! Haha. They were very disturbing and creepy. And then, for the background music they played a CD of children's nursery rhymes being sung for over 2 hours!! I wanted to rip my teeth out!!!

And even though it was a Sunday afternoon I chose to get very drunk in order to survive - it was either that or go insane!! grin

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 12:56:51

it's very difficult to know what to do at a Christening reception I think.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 13:02:00

I don't think I'd have a Reception. I'm not a particularly religious person but my husband would want the baby Christened so I'm happy for it to be done but I don't think I'd invite many people and I wouldn't have a party afterwards. I'm not actually sure what we would say was being celebrated? smile

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 13:04:33

We went to a christening reception in a large function room above a pub, there was a buffet etc, but it just seemed a bit soulless.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 13:07:11

Exactly, unless there's a DJ playing cheesy songs and loads of drunken people to laugh at, what's the point? grin

pinkpiggy Thu 12-Sep-13 13:09:42

YANBU. A marriage is about the vows and committing to a life together and not the wedding day. We had a small registry office wedding with 15 guests, a sit down meal in the local pub and then a party with 40 guests in the evening. I had a 'proper' wedding dress, DH had a formal wedding suit, we have nice rings, had a wedding cake and all the expected wedding-y things and it all came in as less than £2000!

TrueStory Thu 12-Sep-13 13:13:28

Weddings at one time were meant to be a sacrament (as well as a contract).

Now, I think its mostly a bonkers show-off, materialistic bash.

Lots of people come on MN and say how broke they are and how the cost of living is so high, and then the next thread is about £20,000 plus weddings, stag do's, hen nights.

jessieagain Thu 12-Sep-13 13:14:41

We are engaged but not married.

Reason is we can't afford the wedding we want and we don't want to do it on the cheap. We don't want to feel constrained by our budget. Our choice.

And I still live in hope one day we will have the wedding we want (although now my idea of a dream wedding is a luxurious cruise and getting married on a tropical island with a handful of guests).

If we did just go out and get married "affordably" it would feel like I had "settled" for a wedding.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 13:16:30

I am an old gimmer and have been married 16 years. it means so much at the time, yes I wanted the dress and the cake and the honeymoon.

Now I never think much of the actual day. The photos/dried bouquet are in the loft somewhere, but I never look at them.

It doesn't have the same importance now. I love being married to DH but weddings seem like a big fuss and nonsense now.

IceBeing Thu 12-Sep-13 13:16:30

I think the total bill for mine was about £1000.

Had 60 guests, big dress, 4 bridesmaids and a page boy in a church with flowers, bells, choir and a dinner reception.

It was 13 years ago (almost to the day)...

so I think my advice for a cheaper wedding is get married in the past...

jessieagain Thu 12-Sep-13 13:17:20

Also being engaged is enough of a commitment for me.

puffylovett Thu 12-Sep-13 13:18:42

YABU. I have been engaged for 6 years with two children, and we cannot afford to get married. We have debt, an overdraft, a mortgage.
Yes we could go to a registry office for £45, but I don't want to be married ina registry office - I want to be married in a Church. I can't afford the £250+ that it costs to get married in a church nowadays. I can barely afford to put food on the table. It's been like that since ds1 was born.

Snatchoo Thu 12-Sep-13 13:21:19

YANBU but who the fuck cares? I barely cared about my own wedding tbh and would have been totally happy with us and the registry office.

Just tell her if she's that bothered it'll happen, otherwise not to worry.

Snatchoo Thu 12-Sep-13 13:22:25

puffy so actually you can afford a wedding but not the one you want? Being married is not as important as doing it in a church?

This is something I cannot fathom.

ItsaTIARA Thu 12-Sep-13 13:33:30

I'm not going to believe that the minimum cost of a registry office wedding is 500 quid without a link to prove it. Everywhere I know does the basics (two lots of bans + the ceremony) for about 100 quid. If you want to go to a different venue, or book the main council chamber then you'll suddenly rack up another 350 quid.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a huge party to celebrate your wedding. If you're childless and financially independent of each other then sure, wait until you've got 20 grand to splash on it if it will make you happy.

But I worry that there are some women with children whose desire for that huge party and their princess moment is risking their financial security as they delay getting married.

sameoldIggi Thu 12-Sep-13 13:39:17

Snooping, I agree - though not sure what the 'miss' thing means? I've been Ms both before and after marriage.

Snatchoo Thu 12-Sep-13 14:01:02

Me too Iggi confused

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 14:27:55

Good point tiara, thinking long term is important. the money spent on the wedding could be the sort of amount that tides you over on maternity leave.

You will come back from the honeymoon and need some money for your new life together.

ImpatientOne Thu 12-Sep-13 15:39:07

When I was planning our wedding I spoke to lots of people about what they remembered from weddings they had been to in the past as a way of prioritising what we should focus our money on to make it enjoyable - I was well aware how boring, time consuming and expensive weddings can be for guests!

It was amazing how many people could barely remember any of the details of even their own wedding never mind anyone elses and really made me decide to stuff what anyone else thought and only spend money on very specific things like the honeymoon grin The main thing people remembered of more recent weddings was expensive drinks at hotel bars and not enough wine with the meal.

I felt a real culture of one upmanship and splashing out for the benefit of 'but what would people think' and in the end just did exactly what we wanted and refused to bow to the pressure of a huge expensive wedding and only 4 years later can barely remember what we did

ItsaTIARA Thu 12-Sep-13 16:22:44

Actually Sparkling that's not what I meant - I was taking about lack of legal protection if partner drops dead/runs off with OW. But you are also right - 20 grand would be a huge financial cushion during two maternity periods.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 16:29:48

"I was taking about lack of legal protection if partner drops dead/runs off with OW"

Very good and valid point!!! My sister was with a guy for 10 years, they have 2 children together and then out of nowhere he announces he has met someone else.

Fast forward 6 months : my sister and the children are now sleeping on sofas at a relatives house whilst her ex-partner has moved his new girlfriend into the house he used to share with my sister.

My sister has got absolutely no financial rights, has no claim to the house (which is in his name) and she is literally homeless and pennyless.

EllesAngel Thu 12-Sep-13 16:30:09

DH put sweets out on the pews for our 16 guests as he said weddings are boring.

Now that's a wedding I'd like grin

sparklebabe Thu 12-Sep-13 17:41:29

tiara click on the link that says current fees. They are all broken down here http://www.celebrateinessex.co.uk/Ceremony/FeesAndDocuments.aspx

sparklebabe Thu 12-Sep-13 17:49:46

sorry not sure how to get links on here. But that is only fees not venue

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 18:01:37

Yes every wedding needs some Haribo for guests to chew on in the boring bits Elles. grin

ItsaTIARA Thu 12-Sep-13 18:12:23

That's downright weird sparkle - everywhere else has two different rates - one for a ceremony in the registry office, and one for sending a registrar out to your choice of venue. It's possible (likely?) that the fees refer to "approved premises" only but it doesn't say anyway what the price is for the registry office version. Either they've cocked up tge website or they're money grabbing so-and-sos.

SignoraStronza Thu 12-Sep-13 18:15:37

YANBU. Aware this is probably unpopular but imo, after 10 years and 2 kids, the moment for a lavish 'wedding' type do has passed.

But then I wanted/had a v. small wedding (22 around one big table) and was more excited about being married to my dh than the actual getting married if you see what I mean.

SIL had a big, proper wedding and that was the right thing for them (and a lovely day), however they'd only just moved in together and had no previous marriages or dcs between themwink .

calamitygin Thu 12-Sep-13 18:26:38

I' afraid I haven't read the thread in answer to the OP ... who are you, the fucking vicar of dibley?

well done you for "getting" the true meaning of marriage, all that nonsense about wanting the wedding you want just because you want it. I mean why not get married on a dreary wednesday during your lunch break at the shittiest little registry office you can find, with a plastic ring that you got out a cracker - not that you need a ring. Straight back to work with not so much as a celebratory coffee either.

Look, mind your own business. Did it ever occur to you that her partner doesn't want to get married and she's embarrassed and the finances thing is a cover up? or something else? Some people want big wedding and that's their business.

Oh, and before you start quibbling I had a very small wedding which is exactly how I wanted it and had a lovely lovely day.

sparklebabe Thu 12-Sep-13 18:37:02

tiara I reckon money grabbing, weddings seem to be big business now. On the other hand vegas is quite cheap for what you get and all the hotels have packages. when I looked it up you could do it all for around 1000 pounds including flights, plus you would get a holiday included. That's my plan anyway!grin grin

calamitygin Thu 12-Sep-13 18:38:45

and now that I have read the thread, apologies to HmmAnOxfordComma re the wet wednesday comment, it was intended personally but you get my drift, the OPs friend doesn't want that and you did, so you had the wedding you wanted and she wants something else.

calamitygin Thu 12-Sep-13 18:39:46

oh FFS! it wasn't intended personally not was

TAXI!

Jolleigh Thu 12-Sep-13 18:45:59

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SubliminalMassaging Thu 12-Sep-13 20:03:17

In this situation I think that there is a huge temptation (read also pressure) to turn the wedding into the meaningful event. Before you know it you are matching the flowers in with the Father-of-the-Groom's underwear all so that you can demonstrate how much you love each other (as though the children and 10 years of living together isnt enough)

Abso-fucking-lutely.

HmmAnOxfordComma Thu 12-Sep-13 20:04:30

There have been lots of similarly ending threads recently.

A small/inexpensive wedding is of course not more meaningful than a big/expensive one.

But a big/expensive wedding is in no way more meaningful than a small/inexpensive one either.

YABU. we can't afford to get married!!

RhondaJean Thu 12-Sep-13 20:15:24

A big wedding is like a big car. If you can afford it great.

If you can't, it's just as stupid to let the desire for a PARTY put you off making a commitment to the person you are supposed to love/protecting your situation if you are a sahm/ whatever your reason is as it is to let having to buy a cheap car make you walk everywhere.

There is no issue whatsoever with how much anyone wants to spend on something. I've got a major issue with people programmed into thinking its about the fecking party and dress and forgetting the marriage bit.

MissAntithetic Thu 12-Sep-13 20:18:06

I can afford to get married if dp and I just nick off to the registry office. However no guests or anything would cause a shit storm with the family so we can't afford to get married.

We've been engaged 7 years. Dp proposes then lost his job a month later. We got into debt and I refuse to start married life with that round her necks.

Not arsed.

jamdonut Thu 12-Sep-13 21:02:55

I was engaged for 4 years. We were trying to get on housing waiting lists,then suddenly a shared ownership flat came up and we moved in together. We got married 6 months later. We didn't have a big wedding as DH was married before (for only 2 years) and didn't want to go through all that again, plus we couldn't afford to do that anyway.

We got married at the local register office with immediate family only (about 20 people, including children). We had a photographer,on a special deal,for one set of photos, at the register office only.I had a nice suit and a hat,and a bouquet of silk flowers.DH had a new suit, and my ring was about £100. Our parents paid for "Bubbly" and a wedding cake and pitched in with food for a buffet "reception" which we held for all the guests at our tiny flat .We had a one night "honeymoon" in a hotel near Windsor, where we had a very nice meal together. All in all it came to around £500. This was 23 years ago.

It makes me cross when people say they can't afford it. I would, if money had been no object, have liked a big wedding, but being married (and not up to our ears in debt) was more important. We did the best we could, under the circumstances.

I don't feel like I've missed out.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-Sep-13 21:07:15

My 'honeymoon' was also a one night stay in a nearby Spa-Hotel where we had a nice meal and a massage smile

Plus3 Thu 12-Sep-13 21:28:41

YABU she is happy with her family. She probably thinks about getting married, then thinks about what else that money could be spent on. Probably dreams of just doing it, as a little family but knows (add names as appropriate) would be annoyed that they hadn't been invited.
They probably haven't got married because time is running away from them, and it has become a bigger deal then it needs to be.

Why does it matter to you anyway? The amount of time and energy spent disparaging another people's choices constantly amazes me. Congratulations on being so smug and RIGHT.

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 12-Sep-13 22:11:33

Even if you cant afford the wedding that you want you do have to ask yourself if your future is so guaranteed that you can afford not to have the wedding you can afford.

It is all very well holding out for your perfect dream wedding but in the mean time you dont have the protection of marriage. It may not be perfect protection but it is a damn sight better than none at all.

Sparklingbrook Thu 12-Sep-13 22:21:00

I have never understood families getting all het up about weddings. We didn't invite any family beyond Mums Dads and siblings. That way nobody could have the hump, because none of them were invited.

MissAntithetic Thu 12-Sep-13 22:27:35

We will be making it priority over the next year or two seen as we now have dd.

I just want to run off and do it. But I'm the only girl in a huge family so even though I only want a small do even inviting parents on both sides and siblings partners and children it goes well over 40 and our registry office only holds 35 guests. It's a nightmare tbh. I don't want the dress or the party. I just want us to be married!

Perihelion Thu 12-Sep-13 22:36:17

Agree with worrysigh, can you afford not too. Being married, means that if the worst happened and your husband/civil partner dies then you can claim Widow's Parent Allowance, based on their national insurance contributions. Up to approx £100 a week while in reciept of child benefit. It's not romantic.....

LaLaLeBouef Fri 13-Sep-13 14:07:01

YANBU. I totally agree.

I do not understand those women who say they "can't afford to get married" and yet they can afford to buy a house with their DP, have a few children and a few pets too. If you afford a house and kids then you can afford a wedding bash, surely?!

I think what it really means is they want to get married but their DP doesn't. It's just an excuse.

I also don't get those who have had the kids first and then expect everyone to get All Excited because their boyfriend has finally proposed! Horse before the cart and all that.

RedSaucePlease Fri 13-Sep-13 15:16:54

Yabu. None of your business how anyone else chooses to live their lives.

sameoldIggi Fri 13-Sep-13 15:22:21

Lalalabouef, you are quite old fashioned when it comes to marriage aren't you - how do you know it isn't the woman who doesn't want to marry, and the man who does? Or that proposals don't have to come from the one with the penis? For many people the legal security offered by marriage only becomes important after children I would imagine.
However, expecting other people to be overly excited over any wedding - virginal maiden or not - is definitely unreasonable!

RedSaucePlease Fri 13-Sep-13 15:22:57

LaLaLa, how sad that you can't find it within yourself to be happy for people announcing their engagements because they already have children.

Sparklingbrook Fri 13-Sep-13 15:30:20

Red there would be no MN or AIBU if everyone minded their own business. confused

Screwfox Fri 13-Sep-13 15:34:54

i think there should be a ban on engagements longer than a year

Boooooring

Screwfox Fri 13-Sep-13 15:35:45

and ANYONE who says fiance for someone they have lived with for 5 years and not married is in fact a bit of a twat

Sparklingbrook Fri 13-Sep-13 15:37:00

grin Screwfox. I think the word fiance is really silly.

RedSaucePlease Fri 13-Sep-13 16:09:20

Heaven forbid everyone minded their own business and MN/aibu ceased to exist :P

Completely agree about the word fiance Sparkling :-)

I still think OP shouldn't be getting "pissed off" about other people's choices.

Screwfox Fri 13-Sep-13 16:24:42

sparkers - we are As one AGAin

Sparklingbrook Fri 13-Sep-13 16:57:04

I do know what you mean Red, and yes shock at MN not existing and we have to not ask internet strangers for their opinions. grin

grin Screw

rockybalboa Fri 13-Sep-13 17:02:42

YANBU. The cost of actually getting married is minimal. The cost of having a wedding is whatever you make it. It is a bullshit excuse.

Screwfox Fri 13-Sep-13 17:35:26

i know od someone who did it at lunchtime ( after a morning at work) then bought some champers and nibbles from marks and went home

QueenStromba Fri 13-Sep-13 19:16:52

Thanks to everyone who congratulated me smile

Having been engaged for two whole days now I have had the following requests with regards to the wedding:

1) Wait until my mother's rabbit dies because she has nobody to look after him.
2) Don't do it in the summer because air fare from Hong Kong is really expensive then.
3) Request for an invite from someone who isn't a close friend.
4) Someone DF works with wants us to get his wife to do the cake.

I can kind of see what people mean when they say it's too much hassle.

The only one of those I'm going to accommodate is not doing it in the summer because:
1) I don't want to get married in the summer anyway for various reasons such as wedding dresses are big, heavy and generally close fitting - not good summer attire.
2) It's very important to me that this particular friend comes because he introduced me to DP and I feel bad enough that he has to come all the way from Hong Kong for it.

Although the not very close friend will get an evening invite if we decide to do them and we might get the wife to do the cake if she's any good and reasonably priced.

SpottyDottie Fri 13-Sep-13 19:49:48

I think so much emphasis is put on the day itself that many people forget their lives to come afterwards. iyswim. I don't understand the getting in crazy debt for one day.

DH and I married in a registry office with a few friends and family, then back to our house for some drinks. It was the best day of my life.

Sparklingbrook Fri 13-Sep-13 19:52:37

It's a bit like when people plan to 'have a baby' and fail to realise that at some point they will 'have a teenager'.

So much is made of the pregnancy and birth-very little thought about the next 18 years. grin

MadameLeBean Fri 13-Sep-13 22:22:01

Queen it's a slippery slope you are on there grin

Snoopingforsoup Fri 13-Sep-13 22:33:28

Blimey, did we win the war?
Some people here are firmly stuck in 1948 reading some of the posts. I've had a hearty chuckle.

Each to their own, I can't get in a flap about not giving two flying fucks about a wedding, but DAMN I wish I could have the legal rights it gives you. That's all I'll be doing it for when I can prioritise the spend over the list in front of it.

I have everything else in my DP (and DC and cat) that I could wish for. And I found that happiness without a dress, a cake, a party or a cheap £1 register office.

Imagine that!

TheYamiOfYawn Fri 13-Sep-13 22:38:06

I would be quite happy to marry DP in a registry office with 2 witnesses. However, his family would be very hurt if we got married without them. And my family would be hurt if his family were invited and they weren't. And my family mostly live abroad and don't get on with each other. So getting married without causing lots of other people to be sad would involve inviting lots of family members plus enough other guests to dilute my relatives a bit, and by that point it would be a fairly elaborate affair and we would rather spend the money on something else.

I am considering just biting the bullet and suggesting to DP that we get married anyway with a shortish notice open invitation to a celebratory lunch afterwards to any family members who can be bothered coming as I do worry about him dying/being very seriously ill.

TheYamiOfYawn Fri 13-Sep-13 22:39:35

We've been quite happily not married for almost 18 years, but I am starting to feel a bit more vulnerable and mortal these days.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 01:00:10

I know Madame. I'm very glad that we've both got tiny families and that my future MIL is awesome. Last Christmas I mentioned that we had discussed getting married and she suggested that we should just go to the registry office. No mother of the groomzilla here.

kmc1111 Sat 14-Sep-13 02:48:14

Just FYI, not everyone is better off getting married. Legally, financially, I'd be better off being unmarried, and so would DH. Marriage has actually diminished the protection we both get from other legal documents.

My life insurance and so on would have all gone to my partner (or whoever I had named as the beneficiaries) anyway, my will has money and assets gong to numerous people, not just DH (as does his), but now that I'm married I have to trust DH will go with my wishes, which I do, but I resent that I have to. We have separate finances, this is what we both very much want and what is best for both of us, but marriage has meant that when the bank makes decisions about our credit, any loans we may take out and so on, the other's financial position is factored in. Due to past experiences both our wishes regarding medical care are complex, marriage actually made things much more difficult in this regard. Before our wishes would have been paramount, now I have a legal basis to over-rule DH's wishes and vice versa. Again, we trust each other, but we'd much prefer neither was in that position. Neither of us would be eligible for any benefits if the other died, and we wouldn't need or accept any kind of spousal support if the other left. It makes no difference to our DC's rights and protections, all that was already more than covered before we were married.

We married because I travel for work, in the past for very long stretches, and marriage made visa's and all that easier. We did it for the short term convenience, without really thinking through the long-term effects, and we've talked about divorcing in order to gain back our old rights. If we can do it quietly we probably will within the next few years.

raisah Sat 14-Sep-13 02:53:36

Yes I don't umderstand it either, a colleague of mine said something similar. She can't affors to get married for another 10 years or so because they spent 10k on the engagement do. Who in tjeir right mind spends that much on an engagement? They could havr got married for that amount, they spent 3k on an engagement ring! Why?! Even Kate Middleton got a second hand engagement ring ffs!
Say if they split before they get married? What a waste of 10k.

Screwfox Sat 14-Sep-13 06:15:04

It's a "register" office.
Just to be precise. Not registry.

Loopytiles Sat 14-Sep-13 07:25:29

theyami you don't have to have a bigger wedding than you want to avoid upsetting the extended families, just do it! Or get married and don't tell them!

Hope you've got all the legal protections in place.

Sparklingbrook Sat 14-Sep-13 08:08:07

I don't get the not being able to do whatever the hell you like because the family would be offended/hurt. Tough luck. They will get over it.

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 08:21:17

I think YABU... I've been with DP for almost 10yrs, have one dd(2) and have been engaged since I was pregnant. I would very much like o get married but I only intend to do it once and so would rather wait until we can afford to do it properly. We also need to buy a house and IMO that comes first. For those who say we should do it to give DD more security- can you explain? Legally for her I can't see any difference.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:28:58

There's a whole load of financial reasons to get married gin. If your DP dropped dead tomorrow you would probably have no claim on his pension, if he left you anything in his will then it would be subject to inheritance tax, if he doesn't have a will then anything of his will go to his family rather than you.

If he was your DH rather than DP and dropped dead tomorrow then you would pay no inheritance tax on his assets which would go to you as default, you would receive a portion of his pension, you may get a death in service benefit from his employer, you'll get bereavement benefit.

If he got hit by a bus tomorrow and was on life support then you have no right to make medical decisions for him. In fact, if his family decide that they don't want you there then they can stop you even visiting him. They could turn up at your house and take all of his personal possessions once he dies. They could arrange the funeral and not even tell you when and where it is. This all sounds extreme but it's something that actually happens. People act strangely when someone close to them dies.

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 09:36:55

Thanks queen, I do understand the implications for me (although dp has no assets and no pension or life insurance currently so not a real concern). It was more the statement that it was important for children that I don't really understand...

Sparklingbrook Sat 14-Sep-13 09:38:31

Security gin. Have you wills made up?

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 09:42:04

What kind of security though?

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:44:09

The being able to claim a portion of his pension applies to state pension too.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:56:14

If you don't marry then it is far more likely that you will be a single parent by the time she reaches her teens:

http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/90-percent-of-unmarried-couples-with-babies-will-break-up-by-babys-teens-st/

If you broke up now then all you'd be entitled to is the CSA calculated child maintenance. If you were married then as part of the divorce process you can argue that you need extra money for various reasons.

It would also be better for DD if there were court mandated visitation agreements because it's all too easy to let your personal feelings cloud you judgement about her seeing her DF after an acrimonious break up.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:56:37
gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 10:08:25

Ok, so not really anything legal other than we are statistically more likely to split up... I earn enough to support myself and DD so no financial concerns

sameoldIggi Sat 14-Sep-13 10:08:44

Screw fox, where I live it's the " Registrar's Office"

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 14-Sep-13 10:13:44

Marriage creates a particular set of relationship rights & responsibilities. It isnt something to be taken lightly. One of the key things is that it is an exclusive relationship. The relationship between husband and wife supercedes others.

One of the key features of a marriage is that you can only be married to one person. You cannot change the fundamental terms without informing your spouse. This is why bigamy is such a serious offence.

The advantages of marriage other than financial tend to occur when the shit hits the fan. A marriage exists until it doesnt exist (IYSWIM). If one spouse is ill/injured/dies the other spouse will be in a far stronger position to be the first person to be informed or consulted as to the ill/injured/dead spouse's wishes.

It quite simply clarifies the situation.

kmc1111, perhaps the simple solution for you and your DH would be to divorce once the short term advantages of marriage are over. This would be something to take advice on and if done for practical reasons without dispute might well not be a huge expense.

Screwfox Sat 14-Sep-13 10:43:15

thats funny - someone else said that as well

anyhoo its NOT the registry

gavel

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