To think this friend was/is being extremely rude and to distance myself from her in future?

(124 Posts)
LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:00:08

I am so cross with a friend. I think today has been the last straw regarding my friendship with her, but she's done other things too that have made me feel a bit uneasy.

Today she invited me round to hers for coffee and so that our 3 year old DDs, who are friends at nursery too, could play together. It was at her suggestion that I went round. I had nothing else planned but would have been happy to stay home, I'm not one of those people that needs to live in friends' pockets.

Anyway, we went round to her house and from the moment we got there I could tell she was in one of 'those' moods. We knocked at the door and she came, opened it and then walked off into her kitchen without greeting us. I was friendly as normal and said hello and started chatting and she didn't reply to me or even say hello to DD. I went through to her kitchen and she was in there cleaning the worktops and doing other jobs. Eventually we went and sat through in her living room and she was really moody the whole time we were there. She didn't once speak to DD, and was snappy with me and giving me one word answers. I tried a few times to start talking and she was so rude and arsey. She also kept talking about other friends of hers and how great they are and how she's been to this with X and been to there with Y. She didn't seem to want to get into any conversation with me at all. She sat there on her phone most of the time, and then suddenly walked off and went and started clearing up in another room, leaving me sitting there. She also kept telling her DD 'yes when LostMyBiro has gone, we'll go round and see Jane next door'.

After about an hour of being there, her DD kept being spiteful to my DD and my friend just kept laughing, so I politely said that I had to go now as I had to go out this afternoon and had lots to do. I got DDs shoes on and left, but felt really tearful. I really wish I hadn't bothered going and had stayed home. The atmosphere could have been cut with a knife, she really didn't want me there! And yet she invited me. She's done it before to me, and I feel she's either really pally with me and acts like I'm a good friend, then suddenly without warning every few weeks she acts all moody towards me and makes out that she's having a great time with other friends and that she hates my company.

She also always forgets plans with me. It has got to the point now where I only meet up with her at her suggestion as she constantly forgot things, even though she seems to manage perfectly well to remember plans with others. And even when she suggests things she still forgets about them, or cancels at the last minute then gets irritated when I won't meet at another day/time of her choice. She also makes lots of barbed, abrupt comments disguised as compliments. DH says he thinks she is testing me out to see if I'll be her little lap dog and do as she says!

And one more thing; she told me a few weeks ago that DD is invited in a couple of weeks to the party of her friend's DD. I mentioned the party today and she was snappy and insisted that she hadn't said that to me and that unless I had had an invite then DD wasn't invited. I don't care whether or not DD is invited, but I feel she's gaslighting me a little...

AIBU to keep my distance? I have to be careful as our DDs will be at school together next year and my friend has lots of friends and acquaintances and I really don't want to have enemies at the school gates!

Yes, distance yourself, she sounds poisonous.

Be prepared for her to be horrible to you though, she sounds very difficult.

auntmargaret Wed 11-Sep-13 14:03:12

Distance yourself, she is not your friend.

HandMini Wed 11-Sep-13 14:05:31

Definitely distance yourself. She sounds like a complete happiness-sucker.

Plan a fun home based activity for you and DD (so you're not tempted to spend time with her because you're at a loose end) then when she next contacts you, say no, no need to give a reason, and do your own thing instead. Remind yourself how much more fun that is than hanging out with misery-chops.

She's nuts. Give her a wide berth.

fabergeegg Wed 11-Sep-13 14:07:01

I feel sorry for the woman but you can't be friends in circumstances like this. It's not fair or you or your daughter. Perhaps you could try and have a gentle chat first, just to see if she's possibly unaware of how obvious her bad moods are. But I can't see this being someone anyone could be vulnerable with.

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:08:08

Thanks all.

I feel like I'm back at school again. I never know where I stand with her. DH says he thinks she is the type of person who is just out for herself and will be friends each day with whoever is going to benefit her that day.

I think my problem is that I'm too nice; I become 'friends' with far too many people like her. I think most people realise straight away what people like her are like and give them a wide berth, but I end up being friendly with them and then getting shat on. Luckily I do have some lovely friends too though.

adagio Wed 11-Sep-13 14:08:13

IMO - Run for the hills. You don't need 'friends' like this in your life.

I would personally make (polite) excuses and avoid any 1:1 situations with her. Perhaps agree, if you want to still keep in touch, to meet at xyz toddler group on a day, so that if she turns up lovely, but if she doesn't it doesn't matter as you would be going anyway and there will be other people to see/talk to so you don't feel let down/stood up and you don't have to explain to your DD that a plan to go out has changed.

She sounds vile. YANBU.

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:09:05

When she's in these moods with me I always feel like I've done something wrong but never know what, and she doesn't seem to get like it with others.

Yorkieaddict Wed 11-Sep-13 14:10:39

Yes I would keep well away, she sounds horrible. If you do find yourself in that situation again I would ask her what is going on though. Something like "You seem upset, is everything OK?" Could it be that there is something else going on in her life that has upset her, and you are getting the brunt of it? Otherwise she is just a cow!

out2lunch Wed 11-Sep-13 14:11:21

i really wouldn't bother with her anymore tbh.i used to have a friend like this - its not my idea of friendship.

kotinka Wed 11-Sep-13 14:11:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:12:01

I asked her today Yorkie but she said nothing was wrong and she's just 'busy'. I think busy was code word for 'fuck off I want to see my other friend' LOL

DidoTheDodo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:13:07

She doesn't sound like a good friend (or any sort of friend) at all. Please feel no guilt in removing her from your life and spending time with those who deserve your loveliness!

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:13:15

The other thing that she does, I probably should have mentioned it in my first post, is tries to worm her way in with any other friends of mine and be utterly charming to them. She's a very loud person and, for example, at my DD's birthday party, every time I spoke to any of DD's friends mums this friend was there talking to them loudly, asking questions and completely excluding me from the conversation.

Yorkieaddict Wed 11-Sep-13 14:14:22

Definitely one to avoid then!

Lexiesinclair Wed 11-Sep-13 14:14:31

She sounds horrid. Definitely distance yourself from her, remain cool but polite and you won't need to make an enemy of her. I bet she has treated other people like that.

I don't understand why grown adults behave like this TBH.

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:14:50

And I'm probably being totally paranoid, but today when I was there she kept getting texts, snorting with laughter when she read them, then texting back. Felt like I was being bitched about....

StuntGirl Wed 11-Sep-13 14:15:47

Why would you even want to be friends with someone who has the social skills of a slug? Ditch her and don't look back.

crypes Wed 11-Sep-13 14:16:10

I think she's taking your friendship for granted and shes being totally disrespectful, back off and give her time to re-evaluate what your friendship means , she also seems to have some sort of control over things and that's probably why you are invited to her house on her terms on her territory. My Dsis used to do this to me, invite me round then immerse herself in other stuff but I noticed if she invited her friends she would be really attentive to them.

DidoTheDodo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:16:43

And after all this you felt the need to ask MN if YUBA to ditch her??
You know the right thing to do!

DidoTheDodo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:16:58

Or even YABU!

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Wed 11-Sep-13 14:17:09

hmm You've done nothing wrong! That's why you can't work out what it is. I'd twat her all over the place mentally go for the breezy refusals 'oh thanks but we're busy' do not do any hand wringing or begging to know what's up, sounds like she thrives on it. If she ever starts cleaning round you like that, just say 'oh sorry, I can see your house is absolutely minging-we 'll get out of your hair' wink
Now forget about the silly fool and go and ring a nice friend for a chat.

DidoTheDodo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:17:11

I sounded like Yoda there.

EarlyIntheMorning Wed 11-Sep-13 14:17:58

Cut her loose
She's toxic

1944girl Wed 11-Sep-13 14:23:01

Dump her.

I had to do this recently after someone whom I thought was a close friend started demonstrating this kind of behavior,I feel much better since I stopped bothering with her.

BrianTheMole Wed 11-Sep-13 14:23:05

Move on. Polite smile when you bump into her, but just keep walking. She sounds toxic.

SusanneLinder Wed 11-Sep-13 14:25:39

I had a friend like that once-we were 14! I ditched her.

I would have said to her"oh you should have phoned me and canxif you were having a bad day as it is obvious you arent in the mood for company, don't worry we all have off days (patronising sweetly sick tone), c'mon dd lets go home" Be surprisingly unavailable when she makes any other arrangements.

JellyWellyWoo Wed 11-Sep-13 14:25:51

Erg! I too wasted A LOT of time having 'friends' like this. Distance yourself as everyone is saying. I am sure you deserve better than that and don't feel guilty either, it is not your fault she treats you this way smile

EldritchCleavage Wed 11-Sep-13 14:26:47

Agree with all the above. One thing though: if she asks you what is going on or invites you over again, I wouldn't make excuses (all she will take from that is that you are too cowardly to call her on what she does). I would just say you're tired of her being so ill-mannered.

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 14:29:42

I would do Eldritch but in all honesty I don't think it would achieve anything. I think she would probably just use it as a catalyst to start a big 'argument' between us, and I really can't be bothered with it. I'd rather just let things drift.

picnicbasketcase Wed 11-Sep-13 14:33:09

Ugh. Fair weather friend, ie user rude cow bag. Be vague, polite, don't agree to any more plans and let it go.

BrokenSunglasses Wed 11-Sep-13 14:36:47

She sounds like a complete bitch.

Cut her out.

I think she probably has her own ishoos.

nicename Wed 11-Sep-13 14:46:52

Of course you know who she'll call when she is in a fix.

She sounds a little unhinged tbh - blowing hot and cold isn't normal behaviour. If you were a free on-tap babysitter I could just about understand why she woult try to be mates while having the face of a catsshiteater.

I'd avoid. As loads of people have said 'smile and wave and keep walking'.

PedantMarina Wed 11-Sep-13 14:50:38

I think it's true in general, but specifically on this day, that she had made an arrangement with you, but then a "better"* offer came along, then she was trying to make you want to leave, because she was too cowardly and dishonest to say so.

*to her warped tiny little mind, of course!

Like when guys piss off women so we'll break up with them.

By all means, cut her adrift. But do try to assert yourself and tell her why.

SugarHut Wed 11-Sep-13 14:53:31

1) She's acting like a dick. No question.
2) It sounds to me almost deliberate, like she orchestrated the whole "show" because she's pissed off with you for some (unknown?) reason and strongly wants you to know it. Which is also behaving like a dick, but might explain it.

When my best friend thought I was becoming very friendly with another woman at DS' school, she starting getting snappy with me, almost stroppy teen behaviour. Acted like an arse for about a month in fact. I'd done nothing wrong, but she simply didn't like the developing friendship. She's over it now, but nevertheless that was the reason behind her behaviour. Even if it's an unfair reason, can you think of anything she might be harbouring a petty grudge for?

If you feel you have at one point been genuine friends, them it would be a shame not to investigate this before you cut her loose, no? Ignoring this recent behaviour, would you miss her as a friend?

nicename Wed 11-Sep-13 14:54:50

Can she really be so un self aware that she hasn't rung up to apologise for being a complete bag? Even is she called to say 'sorry I was being a shit but X,Y,Z...' would show some degree of sense.

MrsDibble Wed 11-Sep-13 15:00:57

Definitely distance yourself.

There will be lots of other nice people at school gates, both children and parents, for you and dd to be friends with. She can't possibly have them all hoovered up in to a little gang.

I agree with the above that you should just act casual and say "thanks, we're busy" so that she doesn't have anything to latch onto.

She sounds absolutely awful. And it's definitely not good for dd to see a "friend" treating you like that - she will think it's normal and let herself be treated in same way.

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 15:04:00

Many thanks everyone for all the replies and comments smile

SugarHut, no I don't think there's anything I could have done wrong tbh.

CrabbyBigBottom Wed 11-Sep-13 15:04:02

I honestly can't understand why you would let someone treat you like that. shock If she had answered the door to me like that I would have asked her what the hell was wrong with her. If she said busy then I'd have said either
"Well what did you invite me round for then!" or
"Well we'll leave you to it in that case" and left.

If she'd ignored me in the kitchen then I'd have walked out of the house without a backward glance. Why on earth did you stay there and let her treat you like a fucking idiot!

Get angry woman! Fuck her and fuck the school gate - if you make yourself into a doormat then nasty twats will walk all over you.

PTFO Wed 11-Sep-13 15:07:35

Im with crabbybig bottom. I'd have called her on it, what a bitch, class A.

Avoid avoid avoid. How did you sit there..!!

deakymom Wed 11-Sep-13 15:10:58

be busy chat be polite but when she wants you to go over be busy that day/time/millennium

MissStrawberry Wed 11-Sep-13 15:11:00

Stop looking up to her. "Have to be careful etc etc."

She is not worth another minute of your time.

TSSDNCOP Wed 11-Sep-13 15:11:33

Bin and move on. Life's just to fucking short to waste on wankers.

CeliaFate Wed 11-Sep-13 15:11:35

I'd have asked her what was wrong or made my excuses and left.
She treats you badly because you let her. She is a bully and you are polite and friendly.
I wouldn't bother with her again and if she texted me I'd be "busy".

elcranko Wed 11-Sep-13 15:24:06

Definitely distance yourself from her, she sounds horrible. Glad you have other nice friends, you should spend more time with them instead. There's no need for a big showdown or anything, as others have said- just be busy when she calls and let the friendship fizzle out. I bet you'll be happier without her in your life.

Lizzabadger Wed 11-Sep-13 15:30:03

She sounds like a complete weirdo.
Ditch her!

honeybunny14 Wed 11-Sep-13 15:35:31

I would stay away from her she sounds very ignorant

takeaway2 Wed 11-Sep-13 15:40:09

how weird!! why did she invite you over then? did she forget she invited you round which might explain why she was washing the kitchen (ie she thought you'd 'popped' round??!). dump her!

LostMyBiroAgain Wed 11-Sep-13 15:53:16

I don't think she forgot as she sent me two texts yesterday to confirm we were still on for today. Although she frequently forgets arrangements so she may well have done. Not sure if her 'forgetting' is done purposely or not though.

I think those of you that have said she must have had a better offer are right. I can't understand why she didn't cancel though, as she normally cancels without any thought to my feelings or time. Unless the other person said they might meet her and only confirmed it via text when I was there?

PTFO Wed 11-Sep-13 16:11:18

why on earth do you bother with her after what you just told us? she treats you like shit. distance and move on.

Lilacroses Wed 11-Sep-13 16:35:50

This woman is not your friend! Crikey! She is absolutely horrible! Please drop her. Distance yourself from her completely. What an absolute cow!

cakewitch Wed 11-Sep-13 16:36:20

Ive a 'friend' very similar to this. No matter what plans have been made. if she is not in the mood, and she very frequently isnt, then she will make it quite clear she does not want your company by being incredibly rude.
I end up playing stupid little games with her just to wind her up further. then i leave. sniggering at her attitude.
I see very little of her these days. unfortunately our children are friends.

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 16:43:37

Yanbu she sounds naaaaaaaaaaasty and horrid. Another friend bites te dust. Don't worry anymore about her, delete her number and try to forget her

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 16:46:20

Don't have anything to do with her ever again

PomBearArmy Wed 11-Sep-13 16:56:40

Trying to worm her way in with your friends sounds a bit Wendyish to me, and I'd cut her off now before she starts doing damage to your other friendships.

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 17:10:14

The moment she started texting imwould have made excuses and left

She's a Wendy!!!!!
Run, run like the wind smile

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 17:15:54

In fact te momentshe said when lostmybiro leaves we will see x, I would have made my excuses and left

Seabright Wed 11-Sep-13 17:21:34

Sounds like a Wendy, or a trainee Wendy to me.

soorploom Wed 11-Sep-13 17:29:18

life is too short. get rid. take a deep breath and find fun friends.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 11-Sep-13 17:29:50

Next time she wants to meet up tell her you're busy. You do not need a friend who you are treading on eggshells around wondering what mood she's in. Get rid.

Pixieonthemoor Wed 11-Sep-13 17:44:36

She sounds utterly poisonous. Frankly, life is tooooo short!! Distance gradually - I wouldn't call her on it. It sounds like it wouldn't help and she might like the drama and kick off which you don't need, vis a vis the school gates etc.

pigletmania Wed 11-Sep-13 17:46:44

I don't know where this wendybterm comes from, I have two friends who are called Wendy and both are absolutely lovely, salt of te earth people

TheYamiOfYawn Wed 11-Sep-13 17:59:01

Wendy refers to an old thread where the perpetrator if the Wendy's behaviour was called Wendy.

Pigsmummy Wed 11-Sep-13 18:04:54

Why did you stay an hour? Ditch the bitch!

henrycavillyum Wed 11-Sep-13 18:06:36

She sounds like a really nasty cow. Tell her to f off. Met someone like her before. As someone said, start distancing yourself.

MintyChops Wed 11-Sep-13 18:19:00

Yuck, she sounds awful and Wendyish, distance yourself, smile and wave, be busy, you will make nicer friends at the school gate.

quoteunquote Wed 11-Sep-13 20:30:51

I would avoid her at all costs, never go into her space again, be polite but be very distant.

Set a good example to your daughter that you do not tolerate vile people being hateful towards you, how sad for her daughter to have a parent like that.

LostMyBiroAgain Thu 12-Sep-13 09:57:19

I've been thinking about this overnight and I think those of you that said she is trying to 'Wendy' me are right.

It's very difficult. I have to find a way to keep her at arm's length whilst still remaining pleasant and polite. Our children will be at school together and so it's important to me not to have any arguments or anything that might cause an atmosphere. If she really is a Wendy then I think if she cottons on to being phased out she will get nasty. I was sort of Wendied by a mum from my older DD's school year a few years ago and I hated it.

Luckily I've not known her for a hugely long time. I think she'd like to live in each others' pockets but I'm not that type of person and do prefer to keep friends at arm's length a bit more, so I've never bought into her daily texting that she has tried to get into with me. Has anyone got any tips or ideas on how I can gently phase her out without her really realising it and staying on good terms if possible? I know I sound like a real wimp but I just don't want confrontation based around the nursery/school gates.

takeaway2 Thu 12-Sep-13 10:08:52

I would just continue to smile and nod with her at the school gate. If she texts, leave it a few hours/day and then reply with a 'ohh! that sounds interesting, how did it go?' ie in a non-commital but friendly way.

if she asks about how DC is doing in reading/potty training whatever, just say 'really well and you?'... and turn it back on her and see if she replies...and nod non-commitally....

if she asks to go out just say 'oh, i'll get back to you, have to check diary'.... and if it's a do you want to go for a cuppa after school drop off, say you need to go to the supermarket/hairdresser/poo....

you can phase her out that way, and not be mean.

good luck!

Snoopingforsoup Thu 12-Sep-13 10:12:44

Good grief.

She is awful and clearly a bit screwy. Definitely keep your distance. If it was a one off then it may have been forgivable but it's not.

I'd have felt teary. YANBU.

ChasedByBees Thu 12-Sep-13 10:26:11

If she is annoyed with you when you don't jump to reply then it might get a bit awkward for a while but you're just going to have to brazen it out. Dont reply, be offhand and be 'slippery' about it (oh sorry, I've just been so busy etc). She's horrible. If it gets uncomfortable then just be honest. Say something like, 'look, when I visit, you're often quite busy and don't have time to chat. It's not that enjoyable.'

Seaweedy Thu 12-Sep-13 10:53:19

I get that you don't want any aggro, but I do think the reason she behaves like this with you is that she feels she can, because you take it. You sat for a miserable hour in her house while she worked quite hard at making you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. There is no comeback for her astonishingly bad behaviour because you keep coming back for more.

You are both, in fact, behaving as if there is only one important person in your relationship - her. You sound like a gentle person who is uncomfortable with confrontation, but the fact that you are clearly worrying yourself sick about the fact that she might detect a hint of coldness from you at the school gate still suggests you think that her response to your justifiable distancing of yourself is much more important than her outrageous rudeness and blowing hot and cold on you!

Take the good advice about remaining polite but distant and busy given by other posters, but remember, you and your daughter should be the priorities here. Not this user.

SunshineMMum Thu 12-Sep-13 10:56:55

YANBU Friends like this sap your confidence.

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 11:08:39

I can't be doing with this fake, non committal interest. If you don't want to be friends. Don't be. Delete her number and block. She can only make you feel uncomfortable if you let her. I know it is shit to be stood at the school gate and feel like Billy No Mates but tbh you need to tell yourself of course you wouldn't want to be mates with someone who is a bully and if others side with her and ignore you then they aren't the type of people you want to socialise with anyway.

She will soon move on to someone else.

Doesnotdrinkalcohol Thu 12-Sep-13 11:18:28

For fuck sake, cut the bitch off and be done with it! Why are you even asking?hmm

LostMyBiroAgain Thu 12-Sep-13 11:20:23

I guess I am just looking to make life as easy as possible for myself. Yes I could confront her, but then it would have a knock on effect, and I just can't be bothered with it. I'd rather keep my life drama free where possible.

I don't think she's the kind of person that takes it well if someone calls her on something; When she falls out with someone she falls out with them big style, with bells on.

ProjectGainsborough Thu 12-Sep-13 11:42:18

OP, I get where you're coming from. I wouldn't want a drama taking the DC to and from school.

That said, I think you do need to be 'busy' when she calls from now on in because its not like she's really adding much to your life, is she?

MissStrawberry Thu 12-Sep-13 11:46:52

Your life is not drama free at the moment and you still have this shit going on.

No one is saying confront her. Just stop replying to her texts and block her number.

Who died and made her fucking Queen Bee? hmm

oldgrandmama Thu 12-Sep-13 11:53:58

Sounds like she's playing with your head. Nasty woman - definitely avoid.

Floggingmolly Thu 12-Sep-13 11:59:25

I can't work out what the dilemma actually is? Why are you trying to force a friendship with this person???? I'm stunned you sat in her house for a full hour, too, with her refusing to talk, and cleaning around you shock
Why didn't you just go home?

Just dont have anything more to do with her.
Its surprisingly easy to not answer texts or phone calls.

Avoid her at school gates. Arrive early / late / meet at different place?

treadheavily Thu 12-Sep-13 12:12:48

You are confused about what an easy life is. Let me spell it out for you.

Cut her out.

No good can come of being in contact with her, she is utterly toxic.

You have your own issues; you need to value yourself more highly and to spend your time with people who are kind, fun and supportive. And, as you get rid of the Wendies in your life, you will have more space for good people.

avolt Thu 12-Sep-13 12:26:29

I had a "friend" very like this. Hugely sociable and friendly to some people, me and one or two others were "2nd class citizens", there to use and abuse.

Stop doubting yourself and go with your instincts. She sounds dreadful. The turning point for me was when it escalated to her verbally attacking dd in public places - there had to be a big audience. Detach yourself before your dc starts school.

You could try avoiding her, not replying to texts etc, but you may just have to tell her straight. I don't think we're compatible as friends and I think we should just leave it.

GrrArgh Thu 12-Sep-13 12:30:59

Don't spend another moment thinking about her: this is horrible behaviour. You'd never win at this, never be able to explain it.

Just behave as though she doesn't exist, and when you do have to see her, be sweet, polite, but unavailable for much more than a very short hello how are you...?

GrrArgh Thu 12-Sep-13 12:32:24

And positively never accept any invitations from her or extend any to her.
Total politeness but no engagement is the way to go.
"Sorry, I won't be able to do that" is how to say it: no explanations!

pigletmania Thu 12-Sep-13 12:48:07

Well just delete her details from your life and ignore her!

Thepowerof3 Thu 12-Sep-13 12:51:31

You poor thing, what a horrible morning. I think your husband is right she is testing to see if she can use you, I think GrrArgh has the right idea

pigletmania Thu 12-Sep-13 12:52:40

Be polite but civil, if she texts leave it o a few days bebre replying. If she asks to meet up just tell her you busy. Just because your Chidren ar friend does no mean yo have to be! An you certainly do no have to be a doormat!

pigletmania Thu 12-Sep-13 12:54:13

Yes listen to GrrAggg. If sh did forget which I doub, her behaviour was both rude and unacceptable

GrrArgh Thu 12-Sep-13 12:56:34

BTW I went on holiday with a group of friends, and one of them - whom I'd never had issues with before, though she clearly had with me grin - did this one-word-answer, huffy twonking about.

I am not surprised you "put up with it" for an hour because it is extremely shocking when it happens to you and you're not thirteen - I felt like I was almost having an out of body experience grin watching this woman behaving so badly towards me.

It was horrible to think about for a few days (pit of the stomach horrible) and then I got my shit together, realised I had nothing more to say to her, and ignored a couple of nicey-nicey messages from her. Since then I've seen her a few times in the group: I pretend she's not really there, I speak pleasantly if she talks to me but make sure it doesn't last long. And that is it. I never ask her anything about herself or her life. If there are more people involved in the conversation I focus on them, or let them talk to her.

It feels great, because I'm in control and I have saved face.

thebody Thu 12-Sep-13 12:58:59

she sounds very very childish and probably a jealous bulky shit stirrer. avoid her. don't answer texts or phone calls as YOU are too busy to see her.

your dds will make other friends.

don't even think of engaging in school pick up politics.

btw what's all this 'Wendy' crap? my mom is Wendy and she's nice!!

tobiasfunke Thu 12-Sep-13 13:01:26

I had a friend like this. One minute nice, next a grumpy cow. Always being pally with other people and trying to exclude me. I dumped her (mind you it took 20 years) - it feels great.
Indifference is what's called for- no more playdates, no more coffee. Be smiley smiley but always with a big no thank you.

I think she has figured that you are a soft touch. Being shit to you makes her feel powerful and gives her a kick. She won't like it if you just don't bother. Don't have it out with her she'll just say you're overly sensitive.

ShelleyGal Thu 12-Sep-13 13:08:33

Cut her off quick like.. The longer you leave it the harder it will be! (Unless you are looking to be her doormat?) I'm speaking from experience. If she starts trouble, let her, she's making herself look stupid.. As for school gate cliques, stay away from those too, if you want a quiet life!!

I had a "friend" like this. She would bitch about me, put me down and try to make me feel inferior and a bit silly. I was something for her to do if she could be bothered. I cut her out completely. When she finally realised she'd been given the elbow by me it was funny watching her trying to push her way back in to my life. If she joined in a conversation I was having with other people I just went silent and offered no opinion on anything. I never made my feelings known to mutual friends but if i got wind that something would involve her I just wouldnt accept an invite. She finally approached me to ask if i had a problem with her. So i told her what the deal was. I said that i wouldnt ignore her any more and would say hello but didn't want the friendship back to how it was. I told her to only cultivate friendships with people she actually wanted to be friends with. Simple really.

takeaway2 Thu 12-Sep-13 13:56:09

wow YourMa - respect! and how did she take it? did she try and defend herself?

Dubjackeen Thu 12-Sep-13 14:21:55

Agree with others who have said, just distance yourself from her. No need for a confrontation of any sort. Just say hello, or wave, don't engage any further. Friends don't treat one another like she has treated you.

Charlottehere Thu 12-Sep-13 14:25:27


pigletmania Thu 12-Sep-13 18:44:04

That's fantastic Ma good on you smile

kotinka Thu 12-Sep-13 19:00:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elfycat Thu 12-Sep-13 20:02:53

Wendy - a MNettism rom a thread about a 'friend' who enters your social circle, then takes over and has you marginalised and finally ousted from your friendship circle. All of your friends will side with her.

Gaslighting - googlable - from the film of the same name. Where someone tries to persuade you that their version of the truth is the truth even though you know differently. They do this so well you doubt yourself - Often used in emotionally abusive situations.

elfycat Thu 12-Sep-13 20:03:56

Sorry film was Gaslight (1944)

kotinka Thu 12-Sep-13 20:05:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

digerd Thu 12-Sep-13 20:45:26

'Wendies' are nasty pieces of work and very clever, brilliant actresses and can suss out who they can successfully prey on. You have my sympathy.

Saffyz Thu 12-Sep-13 20:56:29

Smile and say a breezy hello when you see her, but be too busy to accept any invitations. I expect that she'll move on to someone else. Don't worry about the school gates, there will be enough people who can see what she's like.

kotinka Thu 12-Sep-13 20:57:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

" I have to be careful as our DDs will be at school together next year and my friend has lots of friends and acquaintances and I really don't want to have enemies at the school gates!"
I honestly believe you're overthinking this. So she has 'lots of friends and acquaintances' - don't you think she'll have treated many of them the same as she has treated you? After all, she did it to you in private, in her house; nobody else witnessed it, just as you won't have witnessed her treating others as she treated you.

You say about wanting an easy life. Accommodating a fuckwit is never easy. Cut her out of your life; be busy when she suggests meeting up; be polite to her in public. That is how you get an easy life.

knowler Thu 12-Sep-13 21:25:37

kotinka - that is very very shit, but you are better off out of a toxic situation: the other 6 or so didn't have to basically "side" with the Wendy and you are better off out.

lostmybiro - having read this whole thread, i would like to give you a hug, and then give you a good shake!! PLEASE do not accommodate this person any more in your life. I know you say you don't like confrontation - nor do I - but this is about more than that. It is about your self-respect and setting a positive, strong, example for your daughter.

as many other posters have said, blocking this person is the way to a calm and easy life. take control away from this odd-ball, because this is what she is. you are not describing normal behaviour.

Idespair Thu 12-Sep-13 21:25:47

Distance yourself definitely. Keep things polite but be busy next time she suggests something. Don't keep doing things with her, she sounds awful bordering on abusive.

Gretagumbo Thu 12-Sep-13 22:29:03

Do you ever challenge her?
'You appear to be having a bad day, is there anything wrong?'
Other than this, don't bother there are plenty of lovely peo

Gretagumbo Thu 12-Sep-13 22:29:36

* people in the world.

ProtectiveMother Thu 12-Sep-13 23:00:09

Can men be Wendys too? Or is there another word for male Wendys? :-)

HopeClearwater Thu 12-Sep-13 23:05:19

OP thanks for posting this. Almost exactly the same thing happened to me earlier this year. I cut her off but felt really bad about it. Seeing everyone's responses on here has made me feel better.

Thanks takeaway. To be fair she apologised and had the good grace to look embarrassed. I don't think anyone had ever told her before. I think a fair bit of penny dropping was going on too.

Also I should say that I was badly bullied as a child/teen. God be damned it was going to happen to me as an adult in my own home, time and chosen company. Plus I dont do gossip. That went against me as i wasn't shy about stopping people when they started tearing into supposed friends who weren't about. My dh was asked once if I was "on the spectrum". hmm

tangerinefeathers Fri 13-Sep-13 01:23:28

I made a mum friend like this recently - one day I went over as invited and she was the same, really offish, didn't offer a cup of tea, seemed really distracted and faintly annoyed at me being there and her DS started being mean to mine - it's weird, as if they pick up on the atmosphere. I made my excuses and left but like you felt a bit upset by it - why not just cancel if you're going to behave like that?

She then made an arrangement to meet up but didn't get back to me, then cancelled last minute to a dinner (we're from the same playgroup). I will never be rude to her and if we catch up as others say in a group situation then that's fine but I won't have any more one-one-one meet ups as I can't bear people who inflict their moods on others in such a selfish way, without explaining what the problem is.

Like you I am quite happy just being with DS and only spending time with other mums if I know it's going to be fun - took me a while to realise that though.

sounds lke a right cow!

daisychain01 Fri 13-Sep-13 04:46:07

Wow yuk thats vile I never knew about Wendy-ing. Maybe I dont have enough friends to make a circle grin but the ones I have are great!

I have been gaslighted. Made me feel like I was losing my marbles.

Isn't is a complete mystery why those people behave like that. Definitely best to show them you aren't prepared to be sucked into their little game.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 13-Sep-13 07:20:23

Can men be Wendys too? Or is there another word for male Wendys? :-)

A Mendy? grin

nicename Fri 13-Sep-13 08:41:37

Wendle. Or maybe Roger (the only Rogers I have met have been horrid, but I'm sure there are some lovely ones).

Mindfullness Fri 13-Sep-13 08:44:09

Google toxic friends, this is exactly what she is!! You so deserve to be treated better and use your time with nice people smile

elfycat Fri 13-Sep-13 09:43:53

My DF is called Roger and he's lovely.

I think Male Wendys should be called Wendy just to add to the insult. 'oh he's a Wendy' has such a nice ring.

And I'm sure there are lovely people called Wendy

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