To ask what you actually say when DH asks 'what do you do all day?'

(68 Posts)
PoisonedApple Tue 10-Sep-13 23:25:43

Have a 3.5 year old, 1.5 dogs and an 8 week old baby and he seems genuinely confused as to my daily activities (as he chomps his way through the totally miraculous home made fish pie...)

Punkatheart Tue 10-Sep-13 23:27:35

I would tell him that you consult divorce lawyers.

I also think you should explain about the half a dog!

sonlypuppyfat Tue 10-Sep-13 23:28:51

Tell him the telly doesn't watch itself

Fairylea Tue 10-Sep-13 23:28:55

Dh never asks me that question. Ever.

He might ask me how my day went. But that's not the same thing at all!

Aquadent Tue 10-Sep-13 23:29:04

"Watching fairies and house-elves do their shit. It's fascinating."

PoisonedApple Tue 10-Sep-13 23:30:15

Step dog. Also he is very small, being a miniature sausage dog...

softlysoftly Tue 10-Sep-13 23:30:47

He wouldn't ask.

He isn't a twat.

Ilanthe Tue 10-Sep-13 23:31:00

Mine doesn't ask me, but if he were to the answer would be fuck off.

Has he never had them for a full day on his own? Should sort that question out for him.

Buzzardbird Tue 10-Sep-13 23:31:40

Punkaheart beat me to it.

Ilanthe Tue 10-Sep-13 23:31:57

grin at fascinating house-elves

gobbynorthernbird Tue 10-Sep-13 23:32:12

I would answer that question with a well deserved kick in the willy. Or snigger. Depending.

MsVestibule Tue 10-Sep-13 23:34:05

God, he wouldn't dream of asking, even now I'm a skiving SAHM with youngest DC just started Reception. He asks what I've been up to, but never in a 'what on earth do you do all day' way.

Just tell him you're happy to stop doing it, then he'll be able to see what you do, ITSWIM. Although you may have to feed the DCs and dogs.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:34:10

Its an old one, but it says it all.........

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled up in the bed, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply, half shouting.

The smile remained, "Well, today I didn't do it."

PoisonedApple Tue 10-Sep-13 23:35:39

So basically say nothing and go to a spa for the day and expect hot meal, tidy house, angelic children, cocktail and slippers on return?

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:36:55

Yep, pretty much. And when that doesnt materialise, ask him what on earth he did all day.

Oh, and turn your phone off so you avoid the "DC did......what do I do?......Where is the?....." etc

CatAmongThePigeons Tue 10-Sep-13 23:37:02

I would answer ' the DC are hungry and I haven't changed a nappy all day. Now run along and sort them out for me, while I watch Honey Boo Boo, there's a love.'

I don't think my husband would ever ask that question, at most I get 'Hows things?'

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:38:12

HE can only be a twat if you let him, so dont let him. Put a stop to this BS now, otherwise it will only get worse. You will eventually go back to work and still be expected to do all of the above, and he will still complain.

AnyFucker Tue 10-Sep-13 23:39:15

"Did you have a lobotomy in your lunch hour, dear ?"

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:39:26

My H is a twat in many ways but he does make me laugh when he walks in with a worried "hows it been?". Because he knows exactly how horrendous it can be on a bad day as he has been the SAHP when I was working and he was made redundant.

fossil971 Tue 10-Sep-13 23:44:22

"Why don't I go out for the day on Saturday and you can find out?"
I second the idea of booking yourself into a spa. Leave him a list of jobs too: tidy bathrooms, get something for next 4 days dinners, take DC to park, etc.

AnotherStitchInTime Tue 10-Sep-13 23:46:19

DH has never asked me, he knows better having been a SAHD for dd1 and having seen dd2 in action.

When you do go out for the day leave a long list of the things you would normally do that you expect to be completed by the time you return.

AngryFeet Tue 10-Sep-13 23:47:32

My DH would never ever ask this. If he doesn't know he clearly hasn't spent enough time looking after the kids alone!

TidyDancer Tue 10-Sep-13 23:51:50

Unless he's asking out of genuine "how was your day?" style curiosity, the only correct answer is "fuck off".

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:54:07

ANother good answer is

"Reading this......." and hold up this book.


LuckyToHaveYouAll Tue 10-Sep-13 23:56:38

When 'D'H used to ask me, I would desperately try and justify how I had managed my day, listed all my jobs, and broke it down into how long it took to do each job which I often overinflated to hide the time I used to MN or have a coffee and I would gloss over the times I took the DC out to soft play or whatever as in his eyes this didn't count. But then he is an EA bastard and I am leaving him very soon grin. He only ever asked because he was in satisfied with the state of the house and wanted to pick apart my day to tell me how I could fit more house work in. Breaking it down is impossible though - how do you quantify time taken to change umpteen nappies or the other odd jobs like bathing the DC due to the massive poonami? I tried all sorts of responses to get him off my back, none of which worked because I was just a glorified maid to him who had to 'earn my keep' being a SAHM hmm.

I like the spa idea best wink.

Sorry for that little rant blush.

stemstitch Tue 10-Sep-13 23:58:29

You need to let him know it isn't acceptable to be a sarcastic bastard. I don't have children but if my DP asks any similar question (i.e. doubting my abilities/work ethic or anything remotely negative)* it is followed by an icy stare and an awkward silence. He then usually laughs nervously while ensuring exit paths are free of obstacles.

IME men get into the habit of saying these 'jokes' first to the wife, then to others, and it isn't long before they begin to truly believe them. You need to keep his feet on the ground.

*He would only ever say something like this as a joke, because the consequences of actually insulting me would be too horrible to contemplate.

Accidentallyquirky Wed 11-Sep-13 00:10:40

He never asks, but tbh I'm a shit sahm... I never actually stay home - if I stay out as long as possible there's no housework to do ( washing cups after cuppas etc)
Sometimes actually I'd like him to text asking where the hell am I or what am I up to - pretty often he returns home from work to an empty house and unless its past 7pm and I have the kids with me he won't think to text and even then it's usually ' hi quirky just wondering if yous have ate so I know if I need to cook for myself or wait'

Ragusa Wed 11-Sep-13 00:13:21

Oh yes. I can feel a night away with old friends coming on for you, poisonedapple. And you MUST turn off your mobile so he can deal alone with toddler meltdown over cutted up pear so you can have some peace. He will never ask such an asshole question again.

showtunesgirl Wed 11-Sep-13 00:23:36

I just read out the OP to DH and he said this HAS to be made up, no man would ever be so stupid. grin

stopgap Wed 11-Sep-13 00:33:21

My DH often asks what we got up to, in a genuinely curious day, but he knows how hectic life is with a toddler, two dogs and a baby-on-the-way and would never posit the question in such patronising terms.

Apart from entertaining the three year old and new baby, cleaning, endless washing, cooking, tidying and general stuff I set my goal for the day as serving up dinner at 6pm. After that I'm off duty on the three yo and on feeding only for baby.

Monday was a shite day. I texted DH and said I was unlikely to get dinner finished so to get a snack. His reply? "Don't worry, I'll cook when I get in or we can eat later". He might drive me bonkers but he doesn't underestimate being at home with small children.

Your DH needs a short sharp lesson in parenting.

EmmaBemma Wed 11-Sep-13 05:28:26

My husband has never once asked me that question.

wonkylegs Wed 11-Sep-13 05:35:58

My DH doesn't ask such stupid questions. This is also partly because I'm a list writer so I have a daily to do list next to the bed to organise my thoughts, as I can be a bit forgetful. He took one look at it the other day and said "you do know there is only 24 hours in a day right?"

Morloth Wed 11-Sep-13 05:48:43

Well DH has never said that.

But I think I would respond with 'Sit on my arse, MN and eat cake of course, WTF to you think I do all day?!'

The washing, where the fuck does the washing come from, I wash and I wash and I wash and still there is more...

GreyWhites Wed 11-Sep-13 05:53:59

My partner used to ask this. I did the thing of making a point of leaving him in charge for a day over the weekend every now and again (The having to express enough milk thing drove me insane but I forced myself to do it). He soon got the idea. To be honest the more efficient you are the more of a mystery it becomes as to what you're doing with your time. And it sounds like you're very efficient, with your home made fish pies!

Leave him in charge now and again and let him find out for himself, its the only way to an equal partnership. If you are one of these women who is all like "oh my god I could never leave him in charge, how would he cope?" then you are your own worst enemy I'm afraid. (I know a couple)

MammaTJ Wed 11-Sep-13 06:22:41

One would say 'sleeping'. But I work nights!

My 'day off' is Friday and I often actually do nothing! DP finishes at 2 on Fridays, do comes homes when I am still child free! He leaves me on the sofa while he does the school run! I might just have to let him stay! wink

Twattybollocks Wed 11-Sep-13 06:38:11

Mine asked me that once when I was at home with a 19 month old and a newborn who cried constantly and didn't sleep. Thankfully for him he hasn't asked since.

Gracie990 Wed 11-Sep-13 06:42:14

I had this.
I started to write the chores on my notice board so he could see them. Every single job.

I also left him with the children a few times so he got the idea!

Tee2072 Wed 11-Sep-13 06:49:48

My husband has never asked this but he was gobsmacked one day when he was home ill and so witnessed what I actually do all day.

capercaillie Wed 11-Sep-13 06:50:47

Mine asks this. I think he phrases it poorly and has good intentions/ curiosity behind it.

My usual response is sarcasm so I regularly do nuclear physics or peace negotiations.

Or I make sure I leave the Hoover etc out so it's blindingly obvious.

MummyPig24 Wed 11-Sep-13 06:53:14

If my husband asked me what I do all day I would reply something like this:

Get children fed and dressed
Feed animals
Make ds packed lunch
Clean up kitchen
Organise something for dinner
Do the school run
Entertaining dd
Household admin i.e filing important letters
Folding laundry
Dealing with school letters/reading books
Seeing friends and family

I would love to sit on my arse but I don't get much time.

MrsPnut Wed 11-Sep-13 06:55:33

I would reply with "this morning, I laid on the sofa and flicked my nipples and this afternoon, my boyfriend came round and I was swinging from the chandelier"

My OH would never be so brave to ask such a question.

Bonsoir Wed 11-Sep-13 06:56:04

I tell him I lie on the sofa reading while little fairies shop, cook, tidy, run errands, provide instant ready made perfect solutions to all our family's issues...

Dackyduddles Wed 11-Sep-13 06:58:57

I get lists of things to do. Because (quote) I 'can manage my time better'. He also forgets how long things take. Running a Hoover round? 15mins. 4 bed semi. Riiiiiight. Drop to post office? Must be around 20? No that would be 20 mins prep for two dcs. 15 min drive. 10 min park/walk. 30-1hr queue. Walk back. Drive back. Unload. Home say 1.5hrs later if lucky or if I don't get "whilst your out can u do x....' Text too.


WallaceWindsock Wed 11-Sep-13 08:15:38

Dacky DP does the time thing! He once tried to tell me it would take 2 mins to peg the washing out. He retracted it after I left him to peg it out with the assistance of peg obsessed DD. I took him 20 mins but that did include time to knock next door and ask for the pegs back which DD had posted through the fence while he wasn't looking grin

livinginwonderland Wed 11-Sep-13 08:18:04

DP would never dare ask me. We don't have kids but I only work part-time (lack of jobs in our area, not through choice) so I am home four days a week. But, I do all the chores, go shopping if it's needed, clean, vacuum, and sort out dinner. Even if one day I haven't done anything and have just made the bed and stayed in my pajamas, he would never dare complain or moan about it.

livinginwonderland Wed 11-Sep-13 08:20:37

Although once, I do remember having a lazy day and I said I was tired at about 6-7pm, and he said (jokingly) "why?! you haven't done anything!" so I just replied "well, no, after my other boyfriend came over and we spent the day having rampant sex everywhere, I was just too tired to do housework". He never asked again!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Wed 11-Sep-13 08:22:43

He wouldn't ask, he knows what I do all day as he looks after DS when I work.

Squitten Wed 11-Sep-13 08:23:47

My DH has never asked me that - and he has often come home to an utter pit!

I think I would organise a few days away for myself so he could learn exactly what I do...

Bunnyjo Wed 11-Sep-13 08:27:33

I am assuming your DH wasn't asking in a 'How was your day?' kind of way and more 'Have you been sat on your arse all day?' way...

If my DH asked me that when I was a SAHM, he'd have been wearing his testicles as earrings! Seriously, OP, I think your DH needs a short sharp lesson - if you ff the youngest (or express some bm if baby will take expressed milk) I'd suggest buggering off for the day and leaving your DH to it - I can pretty much guarantee he will never ask the question again!

yummumto3girls Wed 11-Sep-13 08:36:29

My DH often works away for a week or 10 days at a time, he works hard and comes home knackered, he knows how hard it is with 3 DC's, I feel like a prisoner when he is away because there is no let up, and I can't even go out with the dog in the evenings, exercise class etc He knows how it is but when he's moaning that he hasn't finished work until 7pm I feel like shouting at him as often older DD is still asking questions about homework at 9pm and don't often sit down before 9.30/10!

LuckyToHaveYouAll Wed 11-Sep-13 08:44:14

H has often been left in charge of everything. I've been away on training courses for days at a time and he's held the fort. I come home to the house in a similar state to how I leave (maybe a bit worse) but he still doesn't let up in his criticism. He just thinks that because I am a woman it is my job and quote 'I am better at it' except he knows better hmm. I work part time now and he is still the same asking what I have done all day.

TeeBee Wed 11-Sep-13 08:49:29

Ha ha, Tidydancer, that's exactly the conversation that happens in my house on a bad day.

Yorkieaddict Wed 11-Sep-13 08:53:43

Blimey OP, you manage to cook home made food with an 8 week old and a toddler?? I told DH I'd take over the cooking while I was on mat leave. I think I ended up cooking about 3 times in 6 months! That was only with one easy baby to look after. Your DH really does have no idea does he!

GingerBlackAndOriental Wed 11-Sep-13 09:26:42

My DH doesn't ask that.

"How was your day?" Yes, and I tell him how it takes me an age to hoover as the toddler LOVES the hoover and insists on sitting on the bit of floor I am trying to hoover. The. Entire. Time.

He got the idea when he did it one day on his days off. hahaha He does the hoovering now when I go to town with the toddler on his days off.

NomDeClavier Wed 11-Sep-13 09:27:49

I remember DH asking in a bemused fashion when DS was 2 weeks old, feeding non stop and there was no discernible change in the state of the house because he'd gone back to work.

I burst into tears, said I'd had a shower, bought bread and spent the rest of the day feeding his son and if he was nice he wouldn't ask again. To his credit he never has.

But by the time you have a 2 DC, or even one who can walk/talk/cause chaos you'd think they'd know not to ask?!

GogoGobo Wed 11-Sep-13 09:53:24

Never been asked this, DH has respect for me

quoteunquote Wed 11-Sep-13 10:09:11

I always split home and work with DH, we work together, so what ever one of us doing the other has to do the rest, there has never been anyway anyone could do either side badly.

So he was under no illusions as to what doing the children and running the house entails, he has had to juggle a babies, toddlers ,teenager, cooking,cleaning,doctor appointments,play dates after school activities, dog walking, and running the home office, as many times as I have.

If anyone is asking, then you should leave them to do it a few days a week, nothing like experience to give you some answers.

yoshipoppet Wed 11-Sep-13 10:18:39

I once overheard DH talking with a (male) neighbour about the jobs he did. It made him sound like Mary Poppins, when in actual fact, the jobs he does don't take very long at all. The neighbour asked him, if he does 'all that' what did I do? OH didn't really say very much so I thought, OK, he's feeling put upon, I shall prove to him that I do my share and more.
I went away for a week, on my own, and left him to it. With a list of what needed doing every day, which covered three sides of A4 paper. He got it, he really did, as it took him hours to get through what I do every day.

MrsFlorrick Wed 11-Sep-13 10:22:12

Wtf?? With a toddler and 8 wo baby!! Never mind the dog.

And you managed to make fish pie!! How??

I suggest you feign some sort of communicable disease and insist he stays home to look after children and dog. Lock bedroom or bathroom door. Reappear at 6pm and ask for your fish pie.

He will be begging for mercy by lunchtime. Don't give in. Or better sti have urgent all day hospital appointment and don't come home till dinner time.

I realise you have a new baby and probably BF or don't want to be parted from LO. But this would make him see the error of his ways.

If it comforts my DH was like that until my youngest was about 1 yo and I went down with a migraine so bad the GP visiting thought it was a stroke and I was blue lighted to hospital and stayed in for 24 hrs.

DH didn't even have to look after a dog or cook. Just look after a 3 yo and 1 yo.

He certainly doesn't ask. Sadly he doesn't actually help much more either but at least he doesn't ask!

Who are these husbands who leave lists for their wives? I'm dumbfounded.

TwoTearsInABucket Wed 11-Sep-13 10:39:33

DH asks this. Or he says, "you haven't done much today have you?"
He doesn't seem to include getting the kids ready, food prep, washing up or washing.
He has had the kids all day and he makes a point of doing the housework to show that it can be done. But, the DC sit in front of the tv or iPad most of the day.
I said yesterday that I was going to take it easy because I am 7 months pregnant and get bad pains in my bump if I walk a lot. His reply was, "you can still pick stuff up of the floor though".
It's a massive bone if contention between me and DH and always has been.
To answer your qu I try to justify my day, DH says what.i didn't do and then I tell him to fuck off and burst into tears.

DanceLikeJohnTravoltaNow Wed 11-Sep-13 10:43:02

He's never asked, but if he did raising one eyebrow at him would have him scurrying out of the room.

Calabria Wed 11-Sep-13 10:49:19

Mine has never asked. He sometimes asks me what my plans for the day are. I usually reply "Nothing" or "The usual".

He actually knows what I do as he works at home most days.

Interestingly I usually achieve more in the way of chores on days he is in the office as he's not there to distract me.

amicissimma Wed 11-Sep-13 10:53:58

If he asked, which he wouldn't I would either say that I have sat and stared at the walls all day, or that I was shagging the (very nice) window cleaner.

MildDrPepperAddiction Wed 11-Sep-13 10:58:45

My DH isn't an arsehole. He wouldn't ask. Spend a couple if days not doing all you usually do and then he'll realise what you do.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 11-Sep-13 11:33:23

My ex used to ask. My DP doesn't. Mainly because my ex was convinced that I (like him) saw relationships as some kind of game where you try to get as much as possible out of the other person while putting as little as possible in yourself. DP (and me) is more of the opinion that relationships are about everybody putting in what they can and taking what they need, and so trusts me to put in as much as I can and if I did happen to sit on my arse all day then perhaps I needed to!

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