To want my DH to spend more of his birthday weekend with us?

(55 Posts)
cg13 Tue 10-Sep-13 20:52:11

It's DH's birthday this weekend. He's going to a 2-day sports seminar, at a club he no longer belongs to (he left because he was fed up with all the politics and expense). However, the head of the club offered him a free space and he wants to go. I'm a little bit cheesed off as its his birthday, but it finishes at 4 on Saturday so we're going out for an early dinner with DD. On Sunday there's a party from 6pm to 10pm so it is going to take up most of the weekend. The problem is he's now said he's going to go early on the Saturday to help set things up. This will be at 7am rather than the start time of 9am. I've said I don't want him to as its his birthday and that at least he could stay for breakfast and open his presents. Until a couple of weeks ago he wasn't even going so they can hardly be relying on his help, and, seeing he's not a club member anymore it's not his job to help out. He says its his choice what to do on his birthday, but I can't understand why he would choose to be elsewhere if he doesn't have to be. We're now not speaking, and I think if he's not bothered why should I make an effort for his birthday? But AIBU or is he?

itsametaphordaddy Tue 10-Sep-13 20:59:24

It's his birthday. Not yours.

WorraLiberty Tue 10-Sep-13 20:59:44


It's one thing adults being precious about their own birthdays, but to be precious about someone else's is just odd.

You're going out to dinner, what more do you need to do?

And it's not a 'Birthday weekend', it's a Birthday - ie one day.

snala Tue 10-Sep-13 21:00:13

Yabu, he's a grown man! It's just another day. Cant he just open his gifts when he returns? Why would his birthday need to last all weekend?

NeedaWee Tue 10-Sep-13 21:00:22

hes having an affair, leave the bastard

Salmotrutta Tue 10-Sep-13 21:02:27

What everyone else has already said!

Give over OP - he's entitled to do what he wants on his own birthday!

Which is a day.

CaptainSweatPants Tue 10-Sep-13 21:03:40


It's a bit sad he doesn't want to spend the day with you & dd

wigglesrock Tue 10-Sep-13 21:04:03

I'm confused does he have 2 birthdays? Surely his birthday is on one day and that's it. What's a birthday weekend? I feel cheated, I'm not sure I've ever had one of them.

waltzingmathilda Tue 10-Sep-13 21:05:55

Do people have birthday past 6 years of age?

CoffeeTea103 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:07:04

Yanbu, I would feel sad too if my family were not my first choice.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 10-Sep-13 21:08:12


cg13 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:09:40

Well thanks everyone, I guess that clears things up sad

candycoatedwaterdrops Tue 10-Sep-13 21:13:07

YABU, surely the joy of your birthday is getting to choose what you want to do.

Personally I don't think Yabu. That would hurt me too

diddl Tue 10-Sep-13 21:14:47

Well I think that it's really odd that he'd rather be setting up for a club that he left than breakfast with his family tbh.

I'd be really hurt.

At least you are all managing to have a meal together on his bday though, OP, so that's something.

Is he usually not bothered about celebrating his bday?

We're not ones for making a fuss, but even if my husband wasn't bothered about going out, he'd want to be in with us.

He left the club because of the politics, but the seminar will presumably be politics-free, so it's going to be about what he DID like about the club, not about what he didn't - I can see why he's keen to attend. Plus, I've never been particularly bothered about my birthdays, so I can see why he doesn't prioritise it.

What is 'the norm' for birthdays in your family?

WorraLiberty Tue 10-Sep-13 21:29:43

I'm sorry but I really don't get the people here saying they'd be 'hurt'?

He's celebrating his Birthday by going out to dinner with his wife and DD.

What on earth is there to be hurt about? confused

cg13 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:45:06

We normally make a bit of a fuss. Last year it was a big one for him so we hired a pub for 100 people with a hog roast. The original plan had been to go away for the weekend. We've just upped DS's days in nursery because of his job and we're feeling a bit guilty so we were going to Paulton's Park for the weekend as a treat for her. This has now been moved to the end of the month because of this sporting event, so we are still going. It's not so much the weekend as a whole that's p'd me off, but the fact that he's choosing to be away for more than he has to. He recently said how upset he feels at not spending as much time with DS as he used to now he's upped his working days and is seeing her less. It's only a couple of hours we're arguing about, but given it is only a couple of hours I can't see what the big deal is about spending it with us.

Salmotrutta Tue 10-Sep-13 21:47:03

Maybe your DH is a bit like me OP?

I've not been overly excited by birthdays since I was a kid. Didn't even feel that fussed about the so-called "milestone" ones.

I'd much rather be left in peace to curl up with a book or something.

theoriginalandbestrookie Tue 10-Sep-13 21:49:38

I can see why you are disappointed, but I think you need to let this one go with grace, provided there isn't a back story about him spending lots of time away from home.

WorraLiberty Tue 10-Sep-13 21:51:12

It's only a couple of hours we're arguing about, but given it is only a couple of hours I can't see what the big deal is about spending it with us.

Because he wants to got to a seminar

Because he's already going out to dinner with you both

Because it's only a couple of hours

Seriously OP, it's his Birthday. I don't see why you're trying to make it all about you.

cg13 Tue 10-Sep-13 21:54:36

But the extra couple of hours is about setting up chairs and putting up posters, hardly exciting birthday activities. It's also about our daughter who's excited about daddy's birthday and now she's hardly going to see him.

HeySoulSister Tue 10-Sep-13 21:55:58

So you were originally doing something with your child on his birthday? I can see why he wants this, especially after the fuss of his previous birthday!

HeySoulSister Tue 10-Sep-13 21:57:04

Why is it about your daughter? It's not.... Does everything have to revolve round kids these days??

YeahWhat Tue 10-Sep-13 21:59:26

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my DH did this. It's only a birthday and you are still going to be celebrating it confused

It wouldn't even bother me if it was my birthday and my DH buggered off during the daytime.

Ifancyashandy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:00:28

Try to not see it as 'not choosing time with us'. He wants to go to the seminar (and perhaps helping out is a way of getting back in with the club). He doesn't not want to spend time with you.

The two things are possibly not connected in his mind - one is not happening in spite of the other. The seminar is happening because - exactly that; it's happening.

Don't take it personally. It's not.

joanofarchitrave Tue 10-Sep-13 22:02:48

So when he comes back from the seminar, greet him with a smile and have some fun together.

bearleftmonkeyright Tue 10-Sep-13 22:34:51

I also think youre being silly. I am doing a cycling sportive on my birthday later this month. Yes, I am abandoning my family for most of the day on my birthday and looking forward to it we will have fun later. Really the argument is not worth it. Say you're sorry to him. Go on.

Thymeout Tue 10-Sep-13 22:34:58

Perhaps he wants to help set up as a way of saying thanks for the free ticket?

Another one here who finds being the centre of attention on birthdays a bit embarrassing. You're still marking the day as a family. Let him do what he wants.

samandi Wed 11-Sep-13 09:05:27

His birthday, his choice. And he's going to be spending time with you from 4 on the Saturday ...

KellyElly Wed 11-Sep-13 10:45:26

Don't ever post in AIBU about birthdays unless you hate them. The general miserable MN view is that you have no right to want to celebrate your birthday as an adult and you should just suck it up if everyone else feels the same because YOU ARE AN ADULT AND THIS MEANS YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WANT TO BE MADE A FUSS OF OR MAKE A FUSS OF ANYONE ON THEIR BIRTHDAY grin

Bramshott Wed 11-Sep-13 10:48:28

If last year was a big milestone birthday, do you think he could be feeling a bit depressed about this one if it's the first one in a new decade?

KellyElly Wed 11-Sep-13 10:49:51

Oh and also if your child is having a birthday do not post about them not receiving presents from godparents, close family friends, aunties and uncles etc and NEVER expect anyone apart from absolute immediate family who live within a ten minute drive to attend the party because that would make you entitled wink

Kelly smile

OP I get why you're upset. My own DH doesn't care about his birthday but I can't imagine he would rather go set up chairs at 7 am than have DS bouncing in and giving him presents and having a nice birthday breakfast.

Fair enough it's his birthday and he should do what he wants, but he's already changed your original plans by going on the seminar in the first place, the least he could do is not change plans further by abandoning the birthday breakfast.

I don't get why people think it is sad if someone would prefer to be with their friends on the odd ocassion than their partner/kids or whatever.

I think YABU - it's his birthday, not yours, not your DDs's but his and if that is what he chooses to do .............. seriously, it's only another day so just try and loosen up a bit.

I love my DH and DS but sometimes, just sometimes, when I get time away I just skip on down the road happy as a pig in shite.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 11-Sep-13 11:35:13

OP, I honestly can see why you might be disappointed, but at the end of the day, you're being disappointed that he's doing what he wants to do on your birthday, instead of him doing what you want him to do on his birthday, IYSWIM. If he didn't want to spend time with you at all that would be different, but that's not the case... can you not save the birthday present-opening with your daughter for another part of the day? She's not going to care when they're opened smile

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Wed 11-Sep-13 11:36:11

Ack - I meant "he's doing what he wants to do on his birthday" of course!

livinginwonderland Wed 11-Sep-13 11:43:02

If it was YOUR birthday, I would say YABU, but it's his, so let him do what he wants. From what I gather you have Saturday night and pretty much all of Sunday to spend together, so why not do his birthday presents the following morning if DD wants to make a bit of a fuss of it all?

Go out for dinner, have a night in with him when DD goes to bed, and move the presents to the Sunday morning over breakfast? You and DD could get up and make him breakfast in bed and make a fuss then smile

Gubbins Wed 11-Sep-13 11:49:42

I planned to spend my entire birthday weekend this year on a long distance cycle. No husband, no children, no anyone. It was going to be bliss. The children could have given me presents when I got back on the sunday evening. Unfortunately it fell through, so I intend to do it next year instead. My birthday, my choice.

BackforGood Wed 11-Sep-13 12:06:13

YABU - the seminar thing is only on that weekend. If he doesn't go, then he's missed it. If you want to do something specific to somehow celebrate his birthday (as well as the dinner you've already got planned) then you can do that next weekend, or whenever you are both free. It doesn't have to be on the day.

diddl Wed 11-Sep-13 12:42:21

But OP isn't suggesting that he doesn't go to the seminar-was just hoping for breakfast with him on his birthday.

It is his day to decide-but hasn't anyone ever done something for their family on their own birthday?

<had burnt toast with a blob of butter in the middle & lukewarm tea that the kids made, for example?>

I suppose when our 2 were young our birthdays were quite often doing stuff that included them, so I get why the OP is annoyed that her idea/plan for breakfast won't work out.

Pennyacrossthehall Wed 11-Sep-13 14:29:44

1) Birthdays really aren't important to the majority of adults.

2) More importantly, it is crucial (for your husband, your marriage and your daughter) that he has an individual identity as well as being a husband and a father. Doing stuff on his own that he wants to do is part of that.

YANbu to be pissed off, but it is his choice, but a bit sad he wants to be else where.

KellyElly Wed 11-Sep-13 15:09:13

1) Birthdays really aren't important to the majority of adults. Do you know the majority of adults to make this sweeping statement?? grin

diddl Wed 11-Sep-13 15:24:33

Well I'd be pissed off if my husband decided to set up chairs rather than have breakfast with me & lo-especially if he's been complaining that he doesn't see her much!hmm

acer12 Wed 11-Sep-13 15:25:50

kellyElly my sentiments too! grin

I think its just trendy to act like your really wouldn't give a shit if your DH didn't want to spend ANY time with you or family. Sooooooo fucking uber cool man! Oh yes paedophiles don't exist either! No sireeeeeee!

op clearly there was more to it as you have stated. I would have been a bit meh about it. Its some thing DH would have done. DH feels guilty he doesn't see DD before she goes bed as he works late but on the days he does finish early, he plays footie..... pffft!

I remember when it was his first fathers day and organised a lovely meal out for us but he pissed off playing crazy golf with his nephew. i'd been wanting to go to that restaurant for ages grin

I'm going on a girls holiday on my birthday next year grin

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 11-Sep-13 15:29:43

I don't give a shit about birthdays.

But my kids really, REALLY do.

If their Daddy didn't make any time for them on his birthday, they would be gutted.

Pennyacrossthehall Wed 11-Sep-13 18:02:13

KellyElly 1) Birthdays really aren't important to the majority of adults. Do you know the majority of adults to make this sweeping statement??

OK, I should have said the majority of adults that I know, but in the course of 45 years I've known quite a lot of them, and I'm assuming that they are a normal representation of the population rather than a collection of anti-birthday-freaks.

mynewpassion Wed 11-Sep-13 18:19:30

Get up at 6 am and have breakfast with him then.

candycoatedwaterdrops Wed 11-Sep-13 18:26:18

"Oh yes paedophiles don't exist either! No sireeeeeee!"

what has this got to go with birthdays? How odd. hmm

Therealamandaclarke Wed 11-Sep-13 18:41:46

I can understand why you might feel upset.
But try not to take it personally. It's just a thing he wants to go to.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he thinks it's not fun being with you. It's just a clash of timings.

Therealamandaclarke Wed 11-Sep-13 18:43:19

kelly grin

Bowlersarm Wed 11-Sep-13 18:48:09

Oh OP I do feel for you but I think YAabitU.

You have him from 4.00 Saturday, and then all day Sunday, is that right? Is it his party or someone else's and are you both going?

In our family that would be plenty enough time for family birthdays!

I do feel for you, if you are miserable about it, but try and let him have the birthday that he wants.

judgejudithjudy Wed 11-Sep-13 18:57:52

why has no-one informed me about birthday weekends?! must tell dh that im like the queen so will have two birthday daya a year :-)

yabu btw lol :-P

cg13 Sat 14-Sep-13 14:19:12

Wow, can't believe how many birthday grinches there are! Love your post Kelly. I'm new to MN so did not realise this.

In any case, given the balance of opinion I said no more about it. However, on Thursday he spontaneously said he wanted to be here for breakfast as he'll hardly see us otherwise. So DD and I made breakfast muffins yesterday and we had them warmed with jam this morning, with the dinosaur candles DD chose. He was touched and DD loved it.

He went out at 9 and will be back at 4. Tomorrow it's 9 to 4, and then 6 to 11pm for the after-seminar party. So, I'm grateful that we all snatched some time together. I work FT with a 3-hour commute each day, so don't care if wanting to spend birthday time together makes me appear "entitled".

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