To report my husband to social services warning distressing content

(195 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Arnie123 Tue 10-Sep-13 10:50:19

My son is 2 and at weekend I noticed a V shape red mark on the front of his neck. The shape of the v was a perfect match for his sweatshirt and I could see instantly what had happened is my son had been picked up by the back of the sweatshirt and lifted in the air. The mark was still present but less so on Sunday and by Monday had gone. He admitted the incident and there were no mitigating circumstances eg he was running into the road and he grabbed him for safety reasons. As he is blind I surreptitiously recorded the conversation for evidence. He has told me he is sorry and it is an isolated incident. Over the weekend I was in a state of shock so did not report him but monitored his contact with my son. Now it has sunk in I feel I need to get the locks changed today and call the ss it will mean the end of our marriage but I regard what has happened as very serious and need to put my son first. Please no sarky or nasty comments I am incredibly distressed right now and need support not criticism

FrigginRexManningDay Tue 10-Sep-13 10:52:59

I think you absolutely have to protect your son. He must have done it for some time to leave a lingering red mark.

Have you taken a photo of the mark? So sorry that this has happened, by the way- you are right that you need to put your son first.

DropYourSword Tue 10-Sep-13 10:54:32

I think you might get some full-on responses here.

I would want to know from him WHY he did itand what actually happened. If you're partner had no previous form for violence was this a complete one off incidence? Does your DH need to learn some coping strategies.
I don't know that contacting SS is the best idea.

IvanaCake Tue 10-Sep-13 10:55:48

I think you're massively over reacting unless there's a back story.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 10:56:13

Your husband is blind, and you secretly record him and are talking about locking him out of his house and calling social services as a first point of call?
Really?

Seaweedy Tue 10-Sep-13 10:56:14

Did you ask him what actually happened, and why he did this? I know less than nothing about being blind and parenting a two-year-old, but is it possible that it was an accident, or some situation in which he thought the child was in danger, panicked and grabbed him in this way?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 10:57:03

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OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 10:57:03

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If there's no back story or history of violence why would you phone the SS on your husband? He said he stopped him from running into the road

Florin Tue 10-Sep-13 10:57:39

Surely if he was running into the road and he grabbed him then that is fair enough better a mark that faded after 2 days then him being dead squashed under a car. There have been times when to save my sons life to stop him from doing something life threatening I have had to grab him reasonably roughly not our of crossness but in an emergency to save him. Am I missing something as I really don't understand why you are so shocked.

I think you misunderstand- OP said there were NO mitigating circumstances such as grabbing him to stop him running into the road.

FrigginRexManningDay Tue 10-Sep-13 10:59:19

Op said there was no mitigating factors,ie its not like he was running into the road.

What was his explanation for doing it? If he is blind, did he somehow not realise how bad it was?

Do you have other concerns about him?

You absolutely need to protect your son so do call them if you think there is the slightest chance of your son being hurt again.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Sep-13 10:59:37

What explanation did your husband give?

And I don't mean this in a horrible way at all, but if he is blind is he able to supervise a child so young on his own?

IvanaCake Tue 10-Sep-13 10:59:41

He wasn't running into the road. OP was using that as an example of when it might be acceptable to lift him by his top.

Arnie123 Tue 10-Sep-13 10:59:43

His parenting skills are lazy at best. I work long hours and often come back to him in wet trousers as his nappy has not been changes and he appears to live off a mainly pie a d chips diet. He is plonked in front of the tv most of the day although he does get taken to the park every morning and I have never seen him actually get down on the floor and play with my son. He has never verbally abused him or have I ever witnessed an incident of assault before

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 11:00:50

And he's blind?

Seabright Tue 10-Sep-13 11:00:50

He wasn't running into the road - OP used that as an example of what DIDN'T happen.

OP: did he give a reason for doing it? Game gone wrong? Fit of temper?

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:00:53

If this is a one-off incident, then I think you are over-reacting. What exactly did he say the circumstances of him grabbing your ds were? If he is blind, it must be difficult for him to e.g. know exactly when his hand is going to come into contact with your son if he is trying to hold him, pick him up etc? I am also confused by your talk of mitigating circumstances being e.g. if your son was running into the road and your dh tried to stop him? How would he do that if is blind?

Mixxy Tue 10-Sep-13 11:00:55

Wait, wait a second. Who is blind? DH or DS?

Mumsyblouse Tue 10-Sep-13 11:01:21

Surely it is possible, given being blind, that your husband pulled at your son's sweatshirt and inadvertently hurt him. That doesn't make it right, but we have all reached out and pulled our kids back from something which has then hurt them, I certainly have, I once left fingernails- it was a running in the road incident but equally I've moved mine/put them firmly in their bedroom, if they are wriggling, they may get hurt.

Are there other reasons or incidents which make you think he is deliberately hurting your child in a severe way, or could it be the normal bumps and scrapes and pulling of a child who may be a wriggly toddler and a dad who can't see?

I don't know, that's why I'm asking you.

Yonihadtoask Tue 10-Sep-13 11:02:48

I am confused too.

Who is blind?

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:02:51

The DH is blind, that's how the OP recorded the conversation without his knowledge.

FrigginRexManningDay Tue 10-Sep-13 11:03:23

Aw the wee pet in wet clothes,he must be so uncomfortable.
WriterWannabe83 blind doesn't mean you can't be a good parent.

BoozyBear Tue 10-Sep-13 11:03:37

again, is this because he isnt coping looking after a toddler while blind? Is his visual disability affecting his ability to parent safely and competently?

Mumsyblouse Tue 10-Sep-13 11:03:50

I'm sorry, from what you said, SS will not be remotely interested in whether your child eats chips and pie and watches TV all day . The wet nappy is more concerning.

I don't understand who is blind, and I don't understand why you would call SS about your son when the obvious thing to do, if you genuinely believe your husband is an unfit parent, is to leave him/ask him to leave the marital home, and have supervised contact visits, which would require a lot more proof of neglect and abuse than you currently have.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:04:02

How blind is this dad??? He certainly seems to have an independent role of caring for this child alone.....

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:04:57

Why do you keep calling him "my" son? Is your dh not his biological dad?

Morloth Tue 10-Sep-13 11:05:02

If you think your husband is neglecting and abusing your son, you must get him out of the house ASAP.

There must be more to this, for you to jump to the conclusion you have there must be background.

BringOn2014 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:05:33

I am seriously confused at the first few responses to this thread.

OP, Is there a backstory or your DH in any other way violent/aggressive? If not you are massively over reacting.

Your DH said he grabbed him to stop him running into a road, he may have pulled him back hard but he potentially saved his life.
My 3 year old DD once ran out in the car park in tesco, I grabbed her arm (first thing I could reach) and yanked her back forcibly. Some busybody old lady was passing and said I should be more careful that I could have dislocated her arm, but I was far more worried about her being hit by a car than dislocating her arm.

You panic when your child runs out into the road and I can guarantee it does not cross your mind to pull them back gently, you just do what you have to do.. Is this not what your DH has done?!

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:05:47

friggin - I know blind people can be parents, I'm just asking how severe it is if he is allowed to care for the child on his own and whether his limited vision may be a problem in terms of well he can do it for a child so young.

OP -- have you posted about your husband before? The being blind, giving your son chips and tv all day sounds familiar.

If you are that same poster, then I don't know why you are still with him. Things haven't been good for a very long time.

Mumsyblouse Tue 10-Sep-13 11:06:32

And- why not go down the route of seeing if you can get more help for your husband, if he's struggling with his disability and caring responsibilities? What about him attending some dads groups? Sure Start? The parenting group where they come around to your house? (not sure of name).

I feel there must be more to this story than is here for you to have a very extreme reaction, even though I get you are deeply worried by the mark on your child (which is not trivial, even though you might not want to go to SS as a first port of call).

Writerwannabe83 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:08

bring - the situation of the car/road didn't actually happen. The OP was just using an example of when it may have been justifiable to grab her soon.

Runningchick123 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:10

This has got to be one of the most confusing posts of all time.
Can the OP please clarify if her husband is blind.
If he is bond then surely that would impact on his ability to do certain things such as cooking nutritious food, playing with the child, gong to the park etc.
If he is blind then he wouldn't have known that the skin was reddened or perhaps that he and pulled the jumper too tightly.
Why did he pull the jumper?
It sounds like you need a home help / childminder rather than social services.

DropYourSword Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:14

PEOPLE seriously need to read the OP properly!!

Arnie123 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:24

Husband is blind and I know of many blind parents who do a perfectly good job. Being disabled is not an excuse for what has happened

pudcat Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:27

Why on earth would you want to report him? Your husband is blind, how on earth could he see where he was grabbing him? Is this the same husband you accused of lying over smoking, and of being lazy around the house? I feel really sorry for him if you go over the top with small things.

BringOn2014 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:35

Sorry xpost with loads of posts just seen he wasnt running into the road.

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:40

BringOn the OP said there were NO mitigating circumstances, she was using the running into the road as a potential example of when grabbing the child might have been acceptable.

queenofdrama Tue 10-Sep-13 11:08:40

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Arnie123 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:09:00

He actually has an nvq level 3 in catering as is more capable than me at cooking meals

Mumsyblouse Tue 10-Sep-13 11:09:04

And- as for recording your own husband so you can use this in evidence, as he is blind, I find that deeply distasteful, whatever he has done. I have not parented correctly always and if my husband recorded me telling him what a crap parent I had been on a one off occasion, I would leave him, not the other way around.

Nancy66 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:09:58

Very odd post.

Changing locks, reporting to social services? Extreme reaction if what you describe is the one and only incident: blind father grabbing toddler by jumper.

christinarossetti Tue 10-Sep-13 11:10:18

OP, I think you're in shock and need to talk through this situation face-to-face with someone you know and trust eg friend, GP, colleague or call the NSPCC.

This thread will probably receive a few sensible, supportive replies, lots of LTB, and lots of people not really reading your posts, and you probably need help that is a lot more coherent than that right now.

Best of luck.

ShatnersBassoon Tue 10-Sep-13 11:10:36

Without knowing how or why the jumper was pulled around his neck, it's impossible to give an opinion.

Regarding the wet clothes and poor diet, I'd guess that your DH is struggling to cope with looking after a toddler on his own. It must be very hard for him to keep the child safe if he can't see what's happening, so perhaps sitting in front of the TV is the only thing he's confident enough to do in the house. Again, cooking must be hard when he's trying to monitor a young child he can't see.

OP -- again, what was his explanation? Without knowing that, it's hard to know what to advise.

so if you have discussed this, surely he told you why he did it?

I mean, he surely didnt say "yes i picked him up like that for no reason and i am sorry"

There must have been more to the conversation?

Weegiemum Tue 10-Sep-13 11:11:31

If you report to ss they take the whole family situation into account.

My mother maliciously reported me. They were just as interested in dh's role in child care.

(Needless to say I'm estranged from my mother).

If you report your dh to ss, they'll also be very interested in why you feel it's ok to leave ds in his care if you're worried enough to call them.

HeySoulSister Tue 10-Sep-13 11:11:36

So have you asked him for his version of events?

soverylucky Tue 10-Sep-13 11:13:07

Why did he pull his jumper? Had your son angered him in some way with crying/tantrum etc? Were they playing? I understand that it wasn't to get him to safety but it is relevant whether this was malicious or not.

DropYourSword Tue 10-Sep-13 11:13:24

I'm unsure why some people on here equate being blind to being incompetent?? There are many blind people in the world. Lots of them have children. There is no reason to think they are any less (or more) capable of being excellent parents.
The only reason that OP mentioned her DH was blind was because it enabled her to secretly record him (which I personally find distasteful)

IslaValargeone Tue 10-Sep-13 11:14:05

Usually people woudn't end a post regarding potential abuse/social services involvement with 'Please no sarky comments' unless there was something odd about it?
A blind man in charge of a 2 year old, recorded conversations and lock changes?
It's odd.

Lweji Tue 10-Sep-13 11:14:18

I can see if someone is blind that it would be hard to get hold of a little boy, who is likely to be perfectly capable of pushing away until there's a red mark, or is caught when running away from dad.

If it's not safe for him to be in charge, then find a nursery or child minder?

Lampshadeofdoom Tue 10-Sep-13 11:14:54

I don't think anyone can comment on whether you should go to SS tbh only you know whether your dh caused it on purpose or by accident , in a fit of rage or by accident doing something.

If my dh had purposely caused injury like that to dc I wouldn't be leaving in same house.

All this recording stuff just sounds weird though. If my dc was hurt that wouldn't be first thing in my head to do.

I'm sorry but I have to ask, if you are so concerned about the way he looks after your child, if you have had concerns about his welfare previously, to the point that this incident has you thinking of reporting to SS, why have you been leaving your child to be cared for solely by this person?

It doesn't make any sense to me.

ShatnersBassoon Tue 10-Sep-13 11:15:14

I didn't say blind people are incompetent parents, and I don't think anybody here has.

I think it's fair to suggest that being blind makes monitoring a toddler more difficult though.

IslaValargeone Tue 10-Sep-13 11:15:21

I should add I'm not suggesting blind people can't be in charge of children, but you don't seem to have confidence in his abilities even without this latest episode.

LazyMonkeyButler Tue 10-Sep-13 11:15:30

I have no doubt that a blind person can be a very good parent but is it not a bit dangerous for your DH to be left in sole charge of a toddler for "long hours"? I can't imagine how I would be able to keep DD (who is also 2) reliably safe if I could not see what she was up to!

It seems a bit odd that you are thinking of contacting SS over a one off mark, which was fairly minor if it disappeared in 2 days, but see nothing wrong with your blind DH having all-day sole care of an active toddler confused.

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:17:08

I think a blind person is perfectly capable of looking after their own child, the question is whether your dh wants to? The not cooking, sitting in front of TV, not going out to parks etc screams depression to me. Was it a joint decision for your husband to look after your son? did he work previously? Would he prefer to work out of the home?

Runningchick123 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:17:46

I agree with weegiemum - SS will look at the whole family and then look at what is best for the child.
It cold be that SS get some support for your husband to help I'm care for your son a bit better. They might be interested in why you haven't considered registered childcare for your son during the hours that you work. Obviously your husband might be very capable of looking after your son on a daily basis, but whether the individual social worker will agree is not foreseeable.
What will you do for childcare if your husband leaves / you throw him out? Could you take that childcare option anyway whilst you try to resolve the issues around your husband apparent laziness? Could your husband go and do a course / look for a job which might help his levels of motivation and self esteem?
Without knowing why your husband grabbed your sons sweatshirt it's not possible to say whether he meant to harm him.

I don't think blind parents are incompetent.

I would say a parent who is so concerned about her child's welfare that she is thinking of calling SS should maybe have found alternative childcare arrangements, whether that person is blind or not.

Recording someone secretly is really not nice at all.

There has to be a huge back story to this. I just don't get why you are fretting over a mark that may be accidental when you probably should have been addressing the child in wet clothes and not eating properly.

Op, you have many replies asking questions, if you start answering them you have a better chance of getting helpful replies.

Op, you have many replies asking questions, if you start answering them you have a better chance of getting helpful replies.

gamerchick Tue 10-Sep-13 11:20:25

Obviously your husband despite the shed loads of blind parents that can.. simply can't cope with a toddler for 'long hours'. Rather than boot him out on the street.. how about asking him if he's struggling and get some bloody help in if its needed. Yanno the type of help you'll have to get if he's not around.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Tue 10-Sep-13 11:20:54

you think this is distressing content???

Some of the comments on this thread are very inappropriate.

You haven't said at all how this happened. Thats the important thing.

Being blind is perhaps a red herring. He seems unable to cope with long hours sole charge. Focus on that.

soverylucky Tue 10-Sep-13 11:21:57

The recording thing imo sounds like you don't trust him. If you don't trust him then you can't leave your son with him.

extracrunchy Tue 10-Sep-13 11:22:58

Really no way to comment on the specific incident till we know what DH's explanation was! OP what did he give as a reason for having grabbed DS by the jumper?

Not sure any of it is cause to report to SS - if you're concerned to that extent, why are you leaving DS with DH?

RevoltedMum Tue 10-Sep-13 11:25:31

Why leave the child with someone who you are not happy is caring for the child properly?

Do you just want a get out of the marriage reason?

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Tue 10-Sep-13 11:26:50

Is your DH your childs bio dad?

What reason did your dh give for grabbing the jumper?

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 11:27:02

This makes no sense at all.

Have similar things happened before?

Have you answered why you say 'my' son not 'our' son?

Op Do you like your husband? All your other threads about say other wise.

confused

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 11:30:22

Quite honestly, I think you should be seeing a divorce lawyer or a marriage counsellor, not someone from social services.

It just sounds like you want your relationship with DH to end.

Dahlen Tue 10-Sep-13 11:33:11

It's all irrelevant really. The nub of the matter is that you believe your H is capable of deliberately hurting your child and you'd rather change the locks than investigate further. The relationship is over, you just need the practical arrangements to catch up.

WaitMonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 11:33:14

I don't think the op will be back.

Chopstheduck Tue 10-Sep-13 11:38:00

I was looking at another thread by the Op where she states

'I will be the first to admit I have a massive tendency to over react at times '

Same old, OP!

I don't think you are happy with your husband, and you seem to be looking for reasons to end your relationship with him. As far as the jumper incident goes, you haven't really given enough details. I also find the whole thing slightly odd, I really not sure how the jumper would have left that kind of mark. He would have had to have been tilted at a very odd angle for some time, surely!

extracrunchy Tue 10-Sep-13 11:40:10

Bowlersarm I think you've hit the nail on the head.

BoozyBear Tue 10-Sep-13 11:40:23

it all sounds nuts to me, i'm not TH'ing btw, i think this is genuine.

However, the OP is NOT being transparent about whats going on here.

Why is your blind DH in sole charge of your toddler? Is it his choice? is he SAHD? unemployed?
How many hours is he looking after him?
Can you not afford childcare?
WHY did he pick him up by the jumper?
Why are you really considering calling SS?

Generally, what the fuck is actually happening here?

Arnie123 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:42:38

I have reported him now and will not be returning to this website due to the lack of support and insults moderators please delete thread

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 11:42:58

How very odd.

I agree, it sounds like you just want to end the relationship.

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 11:44:05

You think your husband was lying about the road incident? Otherwise I'm not sure why you'd report him (unless there's something you're not telling us). It sounds plain bonkers.

I dont think the OP likes her husband at all and wants out but for some reason she cant just leave.

her other threads about him aren't nice at all.

Chopstheduck Tue 10-Sep-13 11:45:16

Arnie123, I hope you realise that you will also be looked at very closely.

They will want to know why you leave your child in his care if you feel he is incompetent and if he has abused the child, why you haven't protected him.

I wouldn't leave your son with his dad for now until ss have been.

TheVermiciousKnid Tue 10-Sep-13 11:45:35

Why don't you answer posters' perfectly reasonable questions? Like: what did your husband say happened?

ShadeofViolet Tue 10-Sep-13 11:46:08

Your poor, hen-pecked husband.

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:46:34

I don't know who insulted you, all I can see is people asking for clarification of the partial explanation and limited information you posted. Mumsnet does not have moderators and they don't delete threads because someone doesn't like the advice they have been given. I wish you good luck with sorting out your future, I think your marriage is certainly finished, but I hope that things do work out for you and your son.

sarascompact Tue 10-Sep-13 11:46:40

You didn't get a unanimous cry of 'Leave the bastard' so you're taking your ball and going home? hmm

I hope you've stuck around long enough to read this suggestion: Take a week off work, send your husband to a hotel, put a blindfold on and wear it all week long, night and day, while you care for your child singlehandedly. Then come back and tell us how easy it is.

TheVermiciousKnid Tue 10-Sep-13 11:46:58

Most people have just asked for more clarification and instead of doing that, you're throwing your toys out and demand for the thread to be deleted. confused

extracrunchy Tue 10-Sep-13 11:47:18

Arnie123 there were a number of very reasonable questions from posters trying to help, none of which you answered. You can't be surprised if people have got the wrong end of the stick?!

pudcat Tue 10-Sep-13 11:47:29

No one insulted you. You did not answer questions. You sound really nasty to report your husband over 1 tiny mark. From all your other posts complaining about him I think you were just looking for something to get rid of him.

extracrunchy Tue 10-Sep-13 11:47:30

Arnie123 there were a number of very reasonable questions from posters trying to help, none of which you answered. You can't be surprised if people have got the wrong end of the stick?!

MummyPig24 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:48:00

What a strange thread. Op seems to be avoiding the questions. We don't know if the child is her dhs biological child, why she leaves him in the care of an apparently incompetent parent, why he pulled the child's jumper. It looks like we will never know!

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 11:48:28

I am just not getting this at all.

OP has made her mind up to report, but it all makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

wannaBe Tue 10-Sep-13 11:49:54

Can we please stop with the "it must be incredibly difficult to look after a child safely/provide nutritional meals/entertain a child if you're blind," comments.

I appreciate that people cannot imagine how they personally would be able to do these things if they had no sight but the reality is that for someone who is blind having no sight is how it's always been, so there's no "adapting" involved - if you've always had no sight then you've always done things a certain way. iyswim.

I am blind and I am a parent. I gave up a career to bring up my son, yes there are sometimes precautions that can be taken to ensure a child's safety e.g. I had safety gate on my kitchen to prevent ds from coming in without my knowledge; I had a playpen I could safely leave him in if I left the room; he went out on reins, but tbh these are probably all precautions any parent should take to ensure their safety, it's just that many parents choose to rely on their sight rather than take such precautions whereas if you can't see you don't have that option.

I am a better cook than probably most sighted people I know, and I certainly nutritionally fed my child - he never ate a jar of baby food in his life.

There are plenty of lazy parents who feed their children chips and beans every night and disability has nothing to do with it.

I rather suspect the op mentioned his being blind because she knew that would spark some doubt in people's minds as to his ability to parent a child, and it seems she was right.

I wonder whether the op actually plans to end the relationship, so this mark (which the dh wouldn't even know was there) is a good way for her to become hysterical and call ss and change the locks and make allegations because let's face it, as a SAHD he would be more likely to be given residency.

This thread is pretty nasty all round.

BoozyBear Tue 10-Sep-13 11:50:17

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Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:50:29

I haven't read the OPs other threads but if there are others about the dh and the consensus is that there may well be fault on both sides, then I hope the OP is prepared for the can of worms which she has opened by involving SS. If they deem the dh unfit/unable to care for his child the next logical step will be to look at the other parent's actions in leaving the dc in a known unsuitable environment.

LegArmpits Tue 10-Sep-13 11:51:29

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Arnie, how can anybody support you when you are unwilling to provide any detail and go into a dialogue about what occurred?

AngelsLieToKeepControl Tue 10-Sep-13 11:53:33

Arnie you have had lots and lots of support on this site, on many of your threads, it's so unfair to say you haven't had support, and very insulting to all those who have helped.

I understand you have had a really tough time with your husband, but, to be fair to the posters who haven't seen your other threads, this does sound petty as a stand alone incident.

Maybe if you come back and explain a little more of the history people will get a better understanding of what is going on.

I know you are having a really rough time, I really hope things turn around for you soon flowers

BoozyBear Tue 10-Sep-13 11:53:48

if you've actually reported your own DH to social services then good luck with that.. it wont just be him they investigate, i hope for your own sake that you're absolutely squeaky clean.

FrigginRexManningDay Tue 10-Sep-13 11:55:02

I was one of the ones saying protect your son and still say protect your son,but having read your other threads you are coming across as very overbearing and tbh weird.

Chopstheduck Tue 10-Sep-13 11:55:54

support doesn't just mean agreeing with every thing you say neither, people on here ARE trying to be supportive.

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 11:56:22

WannaBe I am glad you turned up! I knew there was at least one blind parent on MN but couldn't remember who it was. I also think the issue of being blind is completely secondary to this thread. Being blind may have contributed to the one-off incident of grabbing the child's jumper - we don't know because the OP never answered anyone who asked her for the circumstances. However, it had nothing to do with her allegations of poor food, wet nappies etc. It sounds as if she does't like her husband or want the relationship to continue and the dh probably doesn't want to be a SAHP and is doing a not great job of it, blind or seeing.

gamerchick Tue 10-Sep-13 11:57:15

Nobody's have a pop at blind parents and as the OP wasn't answering any questions and just gave the bare bones it's hard to say what's gone on.

Why do people always get offended and compare their own situation in Indignation? Not everybody a circumstances are the same.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 10-Sep-13 12:00:12

You seem to be massively overreacting. He might have been just panicked and pulled your son too hard. You said that you haven't witnessed any abuse so what exactly is your issue in reporting him. He is blind and you are recording him, who is being the abusive one here?

It seems as though you are unhappy with your situation and looking for some way out.

BoozyBear Tue 10-Sep-13 12:01:08

wannabe, the stuff she was saying hinted at the OP's DH either not coping or not caring.

What we were trying to find out is which it was, and if it wasnt coping, was it his disability causing the problem or something else.

OctopusPete8 Tue 10-Sep-13 12:03:53

Sending hugs OP you must be in terrible shock.

Could you make him leave for a while?

queenofdrama Tue 10-Sep-13 12:04:24

How can you expect a blind man or partially sighted man to safely care for a 2 yo child, op?
Reporting him to ss sounds absolutely ridiculous!

IslaValargeone Tue 10-Sep-13 12:04:35

It's hardly surprising that sighted people were going to comment on the 'blind' angle of this post, given that it was relevent enough for the OP to bring it up. It doesn't mean that anyone thinks blind parents are incompetent, lazy or anything else.

Chopstheduck Tue 10-Sep-13 12:07:25

I don't think his visual impairment is necessarily relevant, but the OP has also described in other threads him as severely disabled, mobility issues, not very intelligent. I do think SS will question why, as a couple, they haven't considered more support in care for the child.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Tue 10-Sep-13 12:09:40

hmm Bonkers!

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 10-Sep-13 12:11:16

Arnie, if you wish to end your marriage please do so yourself. SS have serious work to do safeguarding the most vulnerable members of our society. You should not be using them to end your relationship because you lack the honesty and gumption to do it yourself.angry hmm

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 10-Sep-13 12:13:17

Maybe him being severely disabled with mobility issues is why you have never seen him down on floor playing with child?

Runningchick123 Tue 10-Sep-13 12:13:43

Queenofdrama - your user name is very appropriate.

AnneUulmelmahay Tue 10-Sep-13 12:18:46

Queenofdrama please reread Wannabe's post, she explains quite clearly about a being a parent, being blind and bringing up a child

Lampshadeofdoom Tue 10-Sep-13 12:19:44

Having read other threads now I feel op is unhappily married and looking for a way out.

How easy would it be to make him think he had left a mark to get him fully out of her life. In other threads there's no hint of violence and op describes him as a kind loving man.

blind people are obviously quite capable of being parents queenofdrama and it is quite ignorant to post that comment.

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 12:22:12

Perhaps there is more to this, just, very quickly, skimmed (not read) over OP's past posts which include her worries about her dh's struggle with alcoholism (and her own attempted overdose). Perhaps social services would be able to help them both after all... Though her reasons for reporting (if based on this thread alone) may be viewed as odd.

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 12:24:32

Lampshadeofdoom that makes it look far more sinister.(Although it seems disrespectful inferring that in the Ops thread)

I do think the OP was out of order recording the man when he had no idea. I don't think secret recordings can be taken as evidence can they?

Buzzardbird Tue 10-Sep-13 12:30:09

Who hasn't once had to grab hold of their child maybe by the jumper or coat to stop them running in the road?

firesidechat Tue 10-Sep-13 12:33:32

I'm unsure why some people on here equate being blind to being incompetent?? There are many blind people in the world. Lots of them have children. There is no reason to think they are any less (or more) capable of being excellent parents.
The only reason that OP mentioned her DH was blind was because it enabled her to secretly record him (which I personally find distasteful)

and

How can you expect a blind man or partially sighted man to safely care for a 2 yo child, op?
Reporting him to ss sounds absolutely ridiculous!

I know that the competence of blind parents has already been mentioned on here, but it is worth saying that blind people are perfectly capable of looking after small children. My mum and dad are blind and raised not 1, but 3 children and they did it very well too with no help.

I have read previous posts by the OP and I think that it is safe to say that she doesn't seem to like her husband very much. I don't see how any marriage can survive one parent reporting the other to ss in these circumstances, so that may be the end of threads like this.

Fragglewump Tue 10-Sep-13 12:39:12

I think this is just desperately sad. A blind man being spied on? A child being injured!?! Who knows how or why? The op is clearly very unhappy and frustrated but seems reluctant or unable to express why.

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 12:40:00

Won't they already be known to social services if the OP attempted an overdose and nearly died?

I'm actually really glad if the OP has called SS. From the other threads it did sound like things were pretty dire and neither of them was coping very well.

firesidechat Tue 10-Sep-13 12:46:20

When I say "read", I mean that I remember them and not that I've gone back and read previous threads. The mention of blind parents seems to stick in my memory for obvious reasons.

Fakebook Tue 10-Sep-13 12:49:16

Wtf confused....this poster has admitted on other threads she has bipolar disorder. Looks like something's not right with her IMO. Hope she's in sane mind.

DropYourSword Tue 10-Sep-13 12:50:43

Hi fireside, I just want to clarify that my post you quoted is meant to convey exactly the same message as yours. I hope I haven't been misunderstood.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 12:51:44

She's had a lot of other threads about how awful he is, and says a lot about herself too. If even half of whats been posted is true (and I hope it isn't) then they both need Social Services.

PollyIndia Tue 10-Sep-13 13:04:52

Great post WannaBe

My dad is black blind and looked after us on his own plenty of times when my mum was away. He is a great father and has there for us more than plenty of other dads I know. He came up this weekend, put my stairgate in, plunged my drains and helped look after my 11 month old. Just because someone is blind doesn't mean they can't look after a child for any length of time.

Anyway, the blind thing is a red herring. All sounds fairly peculiar - hope it works out properly for the little boy and it was just an accident.

JaquelineHyde Tue 10-Sep-13 13:05:40

I suspect the OP is already very well known to SS and hopefully this 'report' will be seen as the cry for help that it is and things will be put into place to support her and her husband (who I feel incredibly sorry for) and ensure that their DS has a safe and happy childhood.

firesidechat Tue 10-Sep-13 13:07:12

DropYourSword no I meant to convey that I was agreeing with you and then realised that I had written it out really badly. I was trying to say that there were obviously two views on this - one where posters were worried about a blind mans ability to cope and those of us who know for a fact that blind (and other disabled people) can and do cope very well.

I'm not enjoying this particular thread, but it is a good opportunity to stand up for disabled parents. I am incredibly grateful to mine for the wonderful job that they did of bringing us up. Obviously not every disabled person is some kind of saint, but they are very much just like the rest of us.

sarascompact Tue 10-Sep-13 13:07:40

Wannabe, I apologise for any offence caused by my ignorance regarding this blind man being able to supervise/safeguard his 2 year old. As a sighted person I would have thought it difficult for a blind person to do certain things while a child hovers silently very close by. Things which I take for granted; For example, taking a tray of roast potatoes out of the oven. I understand now that for some blind people it's not as I imagined. Nonetheless maybe it is a struggle for the OP's husband. None of us know whether that's so or not as we're not him and we're not there.

Once more, my apologies for causing any hurt or offence to you or to anyone else.

MammaTJ Tue 10-Sep-13 13:21:43

Done a little search. In August you were on the verge of leaving him because he is a recovering alcoholic and tempted to drink and you were angry because he had taken up smoking that he had previously given up.

You really don't like him, do you OP?

StanleyLambchop Tue 10-Sep-13 13:33:58

As he is blind I surreptitiously recorded the conversation for evidence.

Would that evidence even be allowed, as it was recorded without his consent?

Lampshadeofdoom Tue 10-Sep-13 13:57:02

Yes sorry I was out of order, just this thread and previous posts make me feel very very uncomfortable. sad

Especially as there is a small child stuck in middle of it all.

midlandslurker Tue 10-Sep-13 14:13:33

MNet never ceases to amaze me.

If anybody else (non Disabled) had picked up a two year old by their clothing and held them there long enough to cause visible and lasting injuries they'd be cries of "its your responsibility to protect your child" "call social services" "and LTB"

But because this man has a disability there is outrage that she's record their conversation and even calling her the abuser for doing so.

There's even scaremongering that she'll be under investigation for trying to protect her child.

"if you've actually reported your own DH to social services then good luck with that.. it wont just be him they investigate, i hope for your own sake that you're absolutely squeaky clean"

Bloody hell there's nothing like double standards..............

Having a disability doesn't make someone a saint - People with disabilities can be abusive too you know.

Floggingmolly Tue 10-Sep-13 14:18:02

Is a blind, recovering alcoholic really someone who should be left in sole care of a two year old? hmm

firesidechat Tue 10-Sep-13 14:29:57

midland the OP hasn't said how it happened and she certainly didn't see it happen. She hasn't even said what her husbands explanation was. There is far too little info to condemn the husband. There is also a context here which goes beyond this thread.

Flogging as has already been said the disability is largely irrelevant. As to the recovering alcoholic, then surely the point is that he isn't drinking now and does that mean that no recovering alcoholic should be looking after their own children.

ilovexmastime Tue 10-Sep-13 14:31:16

If anybody else (non Disabled) had picked up a two year old by their clothing and held them there long enough to cause visible and lasting injuries they'd be cries of "its your responsibility to protect your child" "call social services" "and LTB"

Really? Because I was more of the "and?" mindset. Sorry, but it's not like he's knocked his kid unconscious or suchlike is it? Will SS really care that an item of clothing has left a mark? Surely they've got much more serious shit to be dealing with?

ExcuseTypos Tue 10-Sep-13 14:38:11

My father dislocated my DDs arm by swinging her round whilst they were playing. It was obviously a complete accident and thankfully there were about 7 witnesses as we were having a BBq. If I hadn't seen it I still wouldn't have presumed my father had done it on purpose. So maybe the OP has reason to doubt her H?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 14:39:11

Thats not remotely true. And stop putting words and thoughts in other posters mouths, its really fucking rude. hmm

I think OP is in the wrong, totally irrespective of whether he's blind, or any of the other things she;s said about him. Although considering some of the other stuff she;s said, I doubt any of it is true anyway.

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 14:40:17

That's right the OP hasn't explained what has happened and refused to answer questions or clarify.

But I think few doubted that SS intervention wouldn't be helpful, as there appeared to be a wider back story (including the OP having nearly died having attempted suicide).

Goldenbear Tue 10-Sep-13 14:40:19

All very mysterious - I feel sorry for the child, only last week at the park they got punched by a 5 year old and now this.

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 14:41:25

would

SilverStreak7 Tue 10-Sep-13 14:43:49

Seriously I wouldn't contact the SS over this . . . You could have them on your case for years . .. I think you are over reacting , in my opinion.

It all comes down to the reason he pulled the boy by his jumper. If he was picking him up to shake him, then yes, it's bad. But if he was pulling him back from touching a hot cup of tea, then that's fine.

BrianTheMole Tue 10-Sep-13 14:55:37

Good post wannabe.

kilmuir Tue 10-Sep-13 15:00:53

would a mark caused by a quick pull last for several days??? no
sounds like the adults need help and little boy needs out of there!

midlandslurker Tue 10-Sep-13 15:19:47

It all comes down to the reason he pulled the boy by his jumper. If he was picking him up to shake him, then yes, it's bad. But if he was pulling him back from touching a hot cup of tea, then that's fine

The OP states that he "picked him up by the back of his jumper and held him there"

Quite different from pulling a child to safety.................

Wuxiapian Tue 10-Sep-13 15:25:59

But, what did he actually say had happened?

Recording him in secret is wrong.

firesidechat Tue 10-Sep-13 15:34:31

The OP states that he "picked him up by the back of his jumper and held him there"

midland - I don't think that's what she said. She said that that is what she assumed happened from the mark. She didn't see it happen and it could also have been caused by pulling the clothes (for whatever reason). Her husbands version of events hasn't been included in this thread at all. She says he admitted it, but what did he admit to? Not sure. The OP has been asked this and hasn't replied.

firesidechat Tue 10-Sep-13 15:38:38

By the way, I am the last person to be an apologist for people who hurt children. I don't usually comment on those kind of threads because it is so far from my life experience, thank goodness. I'm just not sure in this case that things are so clear cut.

confused this thread is so confusing!

ouryve Tue 10-Sep-13 15:55:57

That's because I don't think it's just the thread that's confusing, InLove

Someone has given us a snapshot of their very confusing lives and, TBH, if the OP has contacted social services, then I sincerely hope that the whole family gets directed to the support it clearly needs.

WorraLiberty Tue 10-Sep-13 16:01:57

TBH I don't think I've ever seen the OP post a positive word about her DH anyway, so perhaps the over reaction was more to do with that.

MammaTJ Tue 10-Sep-13 16:05:26

Can anyone tell me if this is the same OP who said she has a blind husband, and her home was a mess, some MNers went round to help sort it and another sent Pizza to?

Not 100% sure.

wickeddevil Tue 10-Sep-13 16:15:10

Think if would be good for SS to be involved if they are not already.

Very hard to know what is true and I wouldnt want to guess. It sounds very complex to me and the child's needs should be put first.

Ummm, OK OP.

You've not answered whether your son is also your DH's son. You've not answered why you've not looked into alternative childcare. You've also not answered reasonable requests for information.

Your response to all of this is as weird as this thread.

honey86 Tue 10-Sep-13 16:39:00

i agree with wannabe. its easy to assume that we wouldnt cope as blind cos we dont know different.

but theres a well known lady in my town who goes to group sometimes. shes fully blind and her dh is partially blind. theyve been married a decade and have 9 kids. yes, 9! and theyre sometimes on the bus with them all and theyre both competent parents. when her youngest was born youd see her walking with them all and pulling her buggy behind her. she actually has a good sense of awareness despite her disability.
shes amazing and an inspiration smile x

usuallyright Tue 10-Sep-13 16:48:03

bloody hell, 9 kids and blind? Talk about making hard work!

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 16:49:36

Yes, but just because you know someone who had no problems at all doesn't mean that every blind person has no problems. Assuming someone can't do something because they are blind is wrong. But at the same time, assuming they don't have additional needs because of a disability is also wrong, and doesn't leave any room for help. The idea that a disabled person can always do everything a non-disabled person can do is a nice one, but its not always fair (and the accompanying feeling that you are expected to be some kind of super-person is wearying too).

Some people are fantastic parents irrespective of any circumstances. And some are terrible. Most of us fall somewhere in between.

Another one with the blind parents. Mum was also my childminder for both DC at the same time from birth till school age.
It has never been an issue.

Dorange Tue 10-Sep-13 17:08:40

Sorry about such a stupid question but how does a blind person uses mumsnet? how do they read it? is it partial blindness?
I forgot the name of the blind mumsnetter on this thread but this is a genuine question.

Mamma I domt think its that poster. She had a different user name. This poster posts about how her husband is a liar and a recovering alcoholic and a secret smoker etc.

I just think she wants a way out but for some reason cant just leave

BrianTheMole Tue 10-Sep-13 17:24:06

By using a screen reader dorange such as 'jaws'.

firesidechat Tue 10-Sep-13 17:31:35

Dorange my parents are a bit too old for computer use, but there are all sorts of equipment available - braille keyboards, text to speech software and I'm sure loads more. People with partial sight can also use magnifiers which make print much larger and more readable.

Cravey Tue 10-Sep-13 18:05:18

I think you need to sit down and ask your husband how this happened. In what context etc. you seem to be over reacting or has other stuff happened.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 18:19:25

Interesting.

A thread on MN where shit loads of people question why a mum leaves a child with dad with no disclosed incidences of abuse just minor concerns not about violence.

The usual response to a mum asking if she should would be to have her flamed for not treating dad like an equal parent,that dad is just as capable as mum of deciding how a child is cared for and who the hell does she think she is trying to be the parent in charge.

And for what its worth its perfectly legal to record people without there knowledge as long as the actual recordings are for your own use,whilst a covert recording could not be used as evidence a exact transcript of that recording can be.

She's had minor concerns in the past about the care but now she has a fairly major concern about a possible violent incident.

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 18:24:37

Devious and calculating.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 18:26:14

Would you not be devious and calculating if it were the only way you could prove your child needed protecting?

honey86 Tue 10-Sep-13 18:31:40

not saying she doesnt have no problems, she has homestart help n disability sw support but shes very independent for a disabled person. youd be surprised how determined some can be smile

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 18:32:29

The evasive behaviour of the OP in response to perfectly reasonable questions makes me smell a rat.

upsidedownbacktofronttopsyturv Tue 10-Sep-13 18:35:46

Dorange

I'm classed as blind and have some vision. Being blind does not mean darkness. there are also software to use to help.

I also have 2DD'S one 5 and 7months and I can look after them both fine. I had full vision until 3years ago when I started to lose it.

upsidedownbacktofronttopsyturv Tue 10-Sep-13 18:36:21

I meant have little vision but I am under the criteria for blind.

StillSeekingSpike Tue 10-Sep-13 18:44:35

It's not 'picking on the poster'- but if you go to social services and say 'I am regularly leaving my 2 year old child with my husband, who I do not think is competent to look after him, several times I have come home and found the child in soaking nappies and not fed properly. Oh and last week he marked the child accidentally'- do you not think a social worker is going to wonder WHY you are then leaving your child unsupervised with this man? And wonder WHY you are taping his alleged 'admission' instead of just getting out of there with your child?

festered Tue 10-Sep-13 18:47:12

My Dad dislocated my elbow once by grabbing me when I was near a road!

Has he said why he did it?

Has he ever done this before?

What an odd thread hmm

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 19:28:00

Minor concerns in the past? She loathes the man and thinks he can't take of his child. But she leaves him with him for very long hours anyway. And then takes advantage of his disability in order to accuse of something she thinks he has done.
I don't think OP is telling the truth, in fact I hope so, because if so, that household is one major fuck up.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 19:47:22

I haven't gone searching out her past threads given that its against talk guidelines.

Confined just to the info she has given in this thread they are not concerns that would be treated very seriously if she were to end up in court the only one that would is the mark on the child's neck.

Plenty of parents loathe the other parent it does not mean that that parent should prevent the other having a parental relationship with the child, more often than not people have concerns but nothing tangible or nothing that many other people would take seriously sometimes those concerns disappear sometimes they turn into actual tangible abuse situations that require action.

Family courts are full of one parent claiming abuse and the other saying nope didn't happen.

If I had serious real concerns about a violent incident and knew I could tape the person talking about it,I would be they blind or not.

Disabled people are just like none disabled people both can be equally abusive or not abusive at all.

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 19:49:35

Is that really in the talk guidelines. I had no idea.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 19:57:32

Pretty sure its considered bad form to take info from one thread to another or continue grudges ect I've seen deletions for it.

MissStrawberry Tue 10-Sep-13 19:58:08

Are you a regular poster as you can't just post to say "moderators delete the thread" and it will happen!

MammaTJ Tue 10-Sep-13 20:00:37

If it's against guidelines, why do they give us the option to do a search then? Genuine question, not me being gobby!

Bowlersarm Tue 10-Sep-13 20:00:50

Actually, I didn't realise talk guidelines were not to look at previous threads. But I don't understand why. It will be relevant to subsequent threads.

Elsiequadrille Tue 10-Sep-13 20:02:48

I can't find it in the guidelines, unless it's in relation to troll hunting somehow. Perhaps it also depends on the motive for searching past posts.

I worked with a blind computer programmer - his guide dog would sit under his desk while he worked. He was a very talented young man and his work was not impacted in anyway by his blindness - the company provided the adaptations and software he needed.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 10-Sep-13 20:03:21

What a weird thread.

Based on the info OP you can be sure that SS will be just as interested in you as your DH.

Unexpected Tue 10-Sep-13 20:04:43

There is nothing in talk guidelines which says you can't search a poster's previous threads. Sometimes people remember user names or specific information about people and you can't "un-know" information about someone. People on here have searched the user's past threads but only on the back of other people "recognising" and remembering her already.

RhondaJean Tue 10-Sep-13 20:06:15

This is by far the most confusing thread I have seen on here.

I Have no idea what to make of it.

As an aside thought, I realise op has gone, but I wonder if she has checked it wasn't a reaction to something in the jumper. As a child I would often break out at itchy bits like where the collar was sewn onto a jumper. And it would be worse at the front because I would scratch the front but I couldn't reach the back easily.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 20:15:50

I always thought it was considered to be bad form but if that's wrong then of course I stand corrected.

BoozyBear Tue 10-Sep-13 20:35:56

some people think its bad manners, others don't. depends which camp you're in.

i dont think its polite to go digging for dirt to discredit a poster, but when they're as open as the OP is about her dislike/distrust for her DH, sometimes it helps bring some perspective.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 21:42:14

Some people you really don't need to search for, if they complain enough about the same things, and post repeatedly in a rather bizarre manner, they tend to stick.
And since there is an option in search anyway for posts by one person, the point seems moot.

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 12-Sep-13 13:46:03

Afternoon,

Thank you for the reports about this thread.

It's not against the talk guidelines to search for a poster's previous threads, that's why the advanced search facility is available.

Bringing up previous posts really does depend on their context. It's not OK to carry grudges from one thread to another, or to use previous posts to be deliberately inflammatory or as part of a PA.

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