To give dd2's present to dd1?

(176 Posts)
JessicaWakefield1 Mon 09-Sep-13 22:01:35

Dd2 is 2months old, along with being given numerous new clothes from well meaning friends and family she also has her older sister's hand me downs.
Dd1 is in desperate need of new autumn/winter type clothes. DH's aunty gave dd2 £100 in Next vouchers when she was born wibu to buy dd1 clothes with dd2's vouchers? It would help a lot tbh as we are struggling due to me being on maternity leave so couldn't really afford to use the vouchers on dd1 and just put the same value away for dd2.
We also need new bedding and some nice Next bed sheets would be lovely but that feels very wrong.

YANBU at all. You've said yourself, DD2 gets DD1's hand-me-downs, so will get them eventually anyway. And Next stuff wears really well, so will last to be passed on! If you want to assuage your guilt buy DD2 a small gift or item of clothes from the vouchers to show the aunt, and enjoy your new bedding!

aturtlenamedmack Mon 09-Sep-13 22:05:22

Erm I think if you replace them in the future it would be fine to buy the clothes with some of them.
I would make a point of buying them back though because your auntie intended them for your dd2 and so your dd2 should eventually benefit from them.

5madthings Mon 09-Sep-13 22:08:59

Yanbu at all, dd2 will still get to wear them.

mumofweeboys Mon 09-Sep-13 22:09:00

I spend vouchers on which of my boys need clothes. When my last bundle arrived we got we got a few different vouchers so brought each of the boys something. Its not like your baby will care. Next do good sale deals online to make the most of your vouchers

SavoyCabbage Mon 09-Sep-13 22:11:35

I would use it without another thought. She needs a coat. The baby doesn't need anything.

I would also use the voucher to buy sheets if you need sheets. It makes more sense to use the voucher than cash even if you has oodles of cash.

Having two daughters myself I feel quite sure that you are going to be spending 100 pounds on clothes for her in the future!

OxfordBags Mon 09-Sep-13 22:14:18

I think you're overthinking this. When we got some John Lewis vouchers for our DS when he was born, we bought a new kettle and hairdryer with them.

Famzilla Mon 09-Sep-13 22:16:10

I see no problem with buying DD1 clothes if you're struggling. However buying expensive new bed sheets doesn't sit well with me. It's not something I would do with my child's money unless I didn't have any functioning bed sheets at all.

McNewPants2013 Mon 09-Sep-13 22:18:44

I would, but replace the money when you could.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 09-Sep-13 22:21:19

I don't think there's anything at all wrong with you spending them on clothes for dd1, presumably they'd get passed on to dd2 anyway. Bedding for one of your children is fine too. But I think spending vouchers given to you for your baby on bedding for yourself is not very nice.

JessicaWakefield1 Mon 09-Sep-13 22:24:22

Thanks, I'm sure you're all right. I think I've got a bit of a complex when it comes to dd2 as financially we are not at all in the same place as two years ago when dd1 was born. Dd1 had all brand new, best of everything wherras dd2 has literally nothing new aside from gifts from friends and family.

I love the way you "need next bedding" grin sounds urgent grin

otherwise I'm in the same dilemma dd1 needs winter clothes; dd2 has vouchers but a wardrobe of clothes and toys. I can't decide what to do.

cancel my dig re next bedding I've re read your post and you didn't say that. sorry op. its time I went to sleep.

DragonMamma Mon 09-Sep-13 22:26:33

I would quite happily buy my other child some clothes with vouchers intended for the other one, if I was struggling.

I'd definitely not be wasting them on Next bedsheets if I was struggling though. You could easily get them cheaper elsewhere using your own money.

Necessities - yes. Unnecessarily expensive things - doesn't sit well with me, at all and it feels wrong because IMO, it is wrong.

CHJR Mon 09-Sep-13 22:30:01

Presumably the point of giving vouchers/cash is to let the recipient choose. For the record, I consider baby gifts are always gifts to the parents. But if it bothers you,when you write to thank, describe the beyoootiful clothes you bought and don't go into who will wear them first! Anyway the baby won't object to hand-me-downs for a while yet.

McNewPants2013 Mon 09-Sep-13 22:31:07

looking at the next site duvet covers start from £40 and sheets from £9 and i wouldn't be comfortable blowing 1/2 the budget when DD need clothes.

curlew Mon 09-Sep-13 22:33:59

How can you need new bedding? Does it wear out?

littleblackno Mon 09-Sep-13 22:39:15

DS had LOADS of stuff bought for him including some nice outfits from next, they were lovely but as he had so much stuff I took them back and bought myself some new tops. My reasoning was that he really didn;t need it, I really did, at the time and I bought breast feeding tops so he was benefiting from them. I really don't remember giving it that much thought or worrying about it, at the time though.

curlew... mine has. Our sheet has a hole in it. Am using it for Ad long as possible but one of these days it will be unusable.

op. Just buy the clothes that are needed. no drama. No guilt. dd2 won't give a flying fart will she? grin

JessicaWakefield1 Mon 09-Sep-13 22:43:22

I know, I would never really spend it on bedding it was just wishful (and selfish) thinking of all the lovely things I could buy for myself from next.
Curlew - yes it does wear out, does yours not!? I have a duvet cover damaged by a dryer, another with a bad stain and they're all faded and old.

Ireallymustbemad Mon 09-Sep-13 22:44:29

I'm surprised that so many people think this is fine. Can you not just buy dd1 some cheap Tesco/Asda clothes?

I think you should spend the vouchers on dd2 or wait until she needs things. If you're actually desperate then ok buy dd1 some stuff but it's definitely not on to buy yourself something. The voucher was given for the baby not for you.

Debs75 Mon 09-Sep-13 22:44:49

Clothes for DD1 YES.
Bedding for you NO.

The clothes will be passed down and you could get a lot for £100 and they will be needed.

The sheets, well no one really desperately needs new expensive sheets do they

Ireallymustbemad Mon 09-Sep-13 22:44:53

Sorry cross posted.

Floggingmolly Mon 09-Sep-13 22:48:18

It's fine. Both your children benefit this way, so it's even better really.

5madthings Mon 09-Sep-13 22:48:46

Of course bedding wears out, our old ones had holes in and the poppers broke and stains from a nose bleed.

The vouchers were given to you op, use them in the way that is best for your family.

Remember they will have an expirery date, I think its a year for next vouchers.

Your dd2 will be able to wear the clothes after dd1. Maybe get dd2 a nice outfit? What about bedroom stuff for dd2, they do nursery stuff don't they?

Seriously its fine

Does dd2 co-sleep...cos technically then the bedding is for her as well grin

PeacockPlumage Mon 09-Sep-13 22:49:32

I often do this as all dd1's stuff ends up as dd2's in the end anyway. Think no more about it.

Floggingmolly Mon 09-Sep-13 22:51:56

I'd actually buy the bedding too, in your position. If your kids have enough clothes to wear, and are not actually going out in the street wrapped in brown paper to keep warm, I'm sure your aunt wouldn't bat an eyelid at your spending the cash where it's most needed.
I know I wouldn't.

MissMuesli Mon 09-Sep-13 22:56:12

I'd get 1/2 outfits for your youngest daughter and the spend the rest on eldest. I wouldn't buy bedding (can get a duvet for £10 from Argos). Send a little thank you note along with a pic of youngest DD wearing an outfit.

JessicaWakefield1 Mon 09-Sep-13 23:03:53

5madthings - she does indeed co sleep, a defence could therefore be made for nice bedding, I like your thinking wink

In all seriousness I will probably buy dd2 a nice outfit or extra pretty babygrow and use the rest on dd1 - as some of you have said it'll be passed to dd2 in the end anyway.

Personally I wouldn't, especially not with bedcovers for yourself. Go to ASDA and get a set for £20. The voucher was given to benefit dd2 and as a parent of a "second" baby (ie my first but DPs second), I still want him to get new things of his own rather than living in hand me downs, which tbf isn't the same as getting new clothes of your own. Especially because everything else (crib, cot, car seat, a lot of clothes) were passed on from DSS cause DP had already done the PFB thing. DS was given a little life backpack by one of my uni friends which I've had to tell DP isn't being used on DSS purely because it wasn't a gift for him. Fair enough if DD1 needs a coat, but I'd definitely get DD2 nice things that are just hers, in various sizes to last her even a couple of years so that she's always got something "nice" and new (not just new to her) to put with her other clothes. I know she won't know any difference, but if I had given you the voucher or was in your situation I'd feel better about that.

MairzyDoats Mon 09-Sep-13 23:10:38

Agree with everyone above saying it's fine to use the vouchers on dd1, but just wanted to add PLEASE don't feel bad that dd2 doesn't have all new everything - she knows no different, she's loved and cared for, babies grow out of clothes and equipment so fast and I hate this trend that says a baby needs all new stuff. It's just wrong.

namechangesforthehardstuff Mon 09-Sep-13 23:11:56

I don't think dd2 is going to notice tbh...

jessieagain Mon 09-Sep-13 23:13:20

I'm not sure about this.

I feel a little sorry for subsequent children getting the oldest child's handmedowns (and I'm not against second hand, my ds wears lots of secondhand).

I think you should use the vouchers now BUT I think you should put asidethe same amount of money in cash for your dd2 to get some new 'fresh to the family' clothes in the future.

I sometimes think it is sad for younger children to be reminded by photographs that they are in their older siblings clothes. Second hand clothes but from another child would be better.

Bloody hell, there's some whinyarses and guilt-trippers on this thread. OP, the vouchers were given to you, spend them as you see fit. Babies and toddlers don't give a flying fuck if their clothes are new or not, so long as the clothes are comfy. And decent sheets are a better investment than cheap ones, which will get stiff/scratchy/wear into holes quicker.

jessieagain Mon 09-Sep-13 23:17:34

If you take lots of photographs, children will be reminded that they are wearing mostly handmedowns. I think this may cause problems in the future (particularly if there are other sibling rivalry issues). So they might not know any difference now but they could quite well do in the future!

I would always prefer to use other secondhand clothes rather than your own family handmedowns.

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 09-Sep-13 23:23:43

There's lots of bedding on Ebay going pretty cheap. Brand new too.

lol SGB say what you really mean grin

hand me downs are a big treat in our house wink

I would use the vouchers for dd1. Dd2 has loads of clothes, as long as she isn't without its better to buy them in larger sizes to get the best value. You could always check with the aunt.

Dd2 does get hand me downs from dd1, plus a few new bits when needed. In fact it is dd1 who suffers more as she wistfully looks at the dresses she once loved and now dd2 wears. Dd2 is relatively unconcerned. Most of the clothes were passed on to dd1 from FIL neighbours. Are mini boden and will survive for ever. Enjoy their new clothes, or wait for sales and get even more value!

It's not about being a guilt tripper, it's using the voucher for what it was intended for. There isnt anything wrong with hand me downs, but sooner or later second/third/tenth children will wonder why their new clothes are suspiciously similar to something older sibling wore when it was fashionable 3 years ago, or why older sibling is the only one who has new things bought for them. I was given money from certain relatives who would have thought I was ungrateful if I had used it on myself (whether buying sheets or a weeks shopping) rather than spend it on something that we could say "ah yes ds, auntie Ethel got you that" to. A voucher works the same, just the shop is pre-determined.

OxfordBags Mon 09-Sep-13 23:33:13

SGB, would you like to borrow my lovely hairdryer? grin

5madthings Mon 09-Sep-13 23:38:08

I have four boys so lots gets handed down, its a non issue, as they get older clothes get worn out...holes in knees! Or they are a different shape/season etc so they all get some new anyway. But they love knowing they will inherit certain bits of clothing, we had a thunderbirds jumper they lusted over and they like that their younger siblings will wear stuff.

We and they like having photos of them all wearing the same stuff is some red dungarees that did all four boys and dd. Even better some stuff has gone to my nephew, its nice that the clothes have history, they all love it.

jessieagain Mon 09-Sep-13 23:59:18

op I have been thinking about this some more and yabu.

Those vouchers were for your dd2. Why should your dd1 get more new clothes with this money instead of dd2, especially since they were given to dd2?!

Buying sheets would be less unreasonable. But save some vouchers for your dd2.

If dd1 needs new clothes then sell some of her old clothes that you were saving for dd2 and buy her some new secondhand clothes.

StuntGirl Tue 10-Sep-13 00:03:18

I'd do it a heartbeat. I'd buy the bedding too. And I wouldn't feel a jot of guilt.

Arf at babies and toddlers 'knowing they're getting last season's hand me downs' grin

YANBU There is no point worrying that your DD2 won't get new clothes but your DD1 did. Thing like that don't make much difference and you will never achieve a completely 'fair' balance between your DDs all of the time. The best thing that you can do is to deal with them as fairly as possible, according to their needs at any particular time. Your DD1 needs clothes. Your DD2 needs new sheets to cosleep on. Your DD2 has the benefit of an older sister. That is way better than a load of new clothes and you can never make that 'fair' between your DDs. My DD would happily forgo all clothes in return for a big sister!

LovesBeingOnHoliday Tue 10-Sep-13 00:36:11

Op totally get where you are coming - I feel so sorry for my second

MortifiedAdams Tue 10-Sep-13 00:37:37

What would you have done if the Aunt hadnt been so generous?

New clothes for your child who has outgrown hers should be something you are budgetting for. Supermarkets and Primark do good quality cheap kids clothes.

Bedlinen that is stained is still useable when money can be spent elsewhere.

OutragedFromLeeds Tue 10-Sep-13 00:44:51

OP YANBU

DD2 doesn't care and will almost certainly never care.

If DH's aunt is the reasonable type she won't care either. If she desperately wanted clothes for DD2 she'd have bought them. She gave you a voucher to spend on what you see fit (unless the voucher came with instructions?!).

solarbright Tue 10-Sep-13 01:01:18

Okay, haven't read whole thread so I hope it hasn't morphed into 'my DH is a wanker' or something, but...

WTF. You have a voucher. You have a child who needs clothes and one who does not. You need/want (it does NOT matter) some nice sheets. Go get DD1 some warm clothes and you some lovely bedding. Why is this even a question?? Enjoy.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Tue 10-Sep-13 06:19:53

OP - the sheets are your call in your situation. Handing over vouchers instead of cash that you don't actually have can be the only way if a person's really struggling. Yes it's possible to get sheets elsewhere for a few quid but if a person is really on the bones of their arse, they may not have that few quid to spare.

littlewhitebag Tue 10-Sep-13 06:31:58

Buy what you want. Why would you come and ask such a thing? Only you know what your family needs. If it is a coat for DD1 or some bed sheets then just get them.

Inertia Tue 10-Sep-13 06:48:51

I would buy the clothes that DD1 really needs, but also buy something new for DD2 and take a photo of her wearing it. Send the photo to aunt.

2beornot Tue 10-Sep-13 07:05:51

DS had LOADS of stuff bought for him including some nice outfits from next, they were lovely but as he had so much stuff I took them back and bought myself some new tops. My reasoning was that he really didn;t need it, I really did, at the time and I bought breast feeding tops so he was benefiting from them. I really don't remember giving it that much thought or worrying about it, at the time though.

I would be really annoyed if I was the present giver in this case. If I had spent time choosing something for the new baby and you swapped it and not even for something else for them?!

But OP, YANBU just using common sense!

siblingrevelry Tue 10-Sep-13 07:17:38

If you're skint like us, family money is a communal pot (and therefore vouchers are the same). When we're flush I buy clothes/toys for whoever needs/wants, so spending vouchers given to one child on another child is just moving money around one big pot (like uni savings-it's better that we spend the money we'd saved for college now on getting the house fixed, as it'll only be our money that's used when they need it in the future anyway).

As a middle child, and with three children myself I can laugh at some of the overly-precious statements on here. Don't feel sorry for subsequent children, hand me downs are a non-issue for kids. You've given them siblings and a loving home; they'll always have someone to play with and criticise you to, so get over the fact that their pj's have been worn before (and for the op: whatever you buy from next will last through multiple children so your daughter will benefit in a few years. Supermarket stuff is a false economy as it won't be good to hand down after one child. And mom & dad getting a good, comfy sleep is an investment for the whole family, so knock yourself out. Who knows when you'll be able to replace your bedding again)

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Tue 10-Sep-13 07:21:33

Pmsl at the idea of a 2 month old being somehow aware of missing out here. OP YADNBU.

wonderingsoul Tue 10-Sep-13 07:22:24

i would spend it on both of them,

waltzingmathilda Tue 10-Sep-13 07:26:24

There is no issue with spending money that comes into the family on the whole family.

jellyandcake Tue 10-Sep-13 07:34:00

I'm a third child. All photos of me show me in my sisters' handmedowns. It has never bothered me in the slightest! My pfb wears his cousins' old clothes. What is the sense in spending a lot of money on brand new things if they aren't needed?

Whenever I give a new baby gift I intend it to benefit the family. I'd much rather a new mother had comfortable sheets or breastfeeding tops than a baby have an unnecessary fancy new outfit that they'll grow out of in minutes. Likewise, I'd be delighted that an older sibling got a winter coat that will no doubt benefit the younger child later anyway. Spend the vouchers where they are needed!

I would spend them on whatever you want, if I gave someone a voucher for their baby, I wouldn't care if they spent it on themselves, I am really giving the present to the parents. Im sure you will spend money on your DD when she needs stuff. babies don't care about clothes.

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 10-Sep-13 07:45:54

I think YABU, the gift was for a certain child and not for the parents to spend themselves. Since discovering people do this on MN I mo longer give cash or vouchers to children which is a shame as some like to go shopping themselves.

Presumably pretty much everything the older DD has is new whereas the younger DD gets everything used, perhaps the giver knows that and wanted the DD to have new too.

Surely things cant be that tight that you cannot afford a coat for your DD given you have just gone on to have another child, how would you have purchased it if you didnt have the voucher?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 08:26:34

This is why I no longer give cash or voucher gifts to children.

DanceLikeJohnTravoltaNow Tue 10-Sep-13 08:29:47

I like my friends take on this. Anything that comes in is family money and she will decide what it is spent on and refuses to feel guilty because they save for their DC anyway. YANBU.

LauraChant Tue 10-Sep-13 08:44:32

YANBU Buy what you like.

The idea that children will be sad because they will be wearing clothes that are three years out of fashion! I don't recall clothes from 2010 looking that different from now I have to say, and anyway a babygro is a babygro.

There is absolutely nothing sad about wearing handmedowns. My family used to enjoy looking at photos and seeing the same dress, for example, passed around all the cousins. Sometimes we couldn't wait to get something.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 08:48:12

Don't listen to the people here who say not to, I can't imagine what they are thinking; spend everything on an infant who has no need of it and go without the rest of you, apparently.

Go spend it. On whatever you like. And ignore the utter rubbish about the poor deprived newborns wearing their siblings clothes....hmm

PeacockPlumage Tue 10-Sep-13 08:59:17

If my children grew up to be so unpleasant and entitled as to scrutinise pictures of their toddler years and note what they are wearing, if it was new or not, and then create an issue out of it, I'd be sad and very disappointed.

The suggestion that you go to the bother of selling dd1's perfectly decent clothes, to have money to buy someone else's just so your dc don't recognise items in photos 10 years hence makes no financial, practical or common sense.

Each dc in this family has all they need, when they need it, including love, warmth, food and appropriate, clean clothing. I hope to goodness that is what they focus on when they look back on their early years.

Op You are the adult responsible for providing your dc with what they need, when they need it, with the resources available to you. You do as you see fit.

PiddlingWeather Tue 10-Sep-13 09:03:08

YANBU. In fact, when i was a kid, if a family member was going through a rough patch,other gift-giving family members (usually grannies and aunties with decent pensions) used to deliberately give vouchers for the kids, with the words 'I just thought you'd know what DC needed more than I would, and sure get yourself a little something while you're at it'

The unspoken message being 'you're broke, but we know you'll not take money from us,so we're still going to help you out, under the guise of giving your kids Argos vouchers'

PiddlingWeather Tue 10-Sep-13 09:07:40

Why on earth would any child look back on photographs and feel unloved or upset because they were wearing hand me downs? Why would you teach your child to care that much? It's not like they are being forced to eat their older sibling's leftovers.

thecakeisalie Tue 10-Sep-13 09:09:16

To me it makes sense to use the vouchers for clothes that your DD1 needs than buying more clothes for DD2 that she doesn't need. As you say I'd probably buy a really nice outfit for DD2 then spend the rest getting clothes that your older DD actually needs.

I seriously wouldn't worry about hand me downs either. DS2 has an entire cupboard of hand me downs from DS1 and he doesn't care because he's 2. Lets face it as long as he's dressed what does it matter. I think its a terrible waste to buy him all new clothes when we have perfectly good second hand. I did buy him some new stuff when he was little but the older he gets the more pointless its become!

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 09:09:22

If your kid does that, you've gone badly wrong somewhere along the way. And not by spending vouchers.

MrsPnut Tue 10-Sep-13 09:10:01

I'd just use the voucher for anything that the family needs never mind who the voucher was given to.

A baby needs so very little that any voucher may well expire before they need new clothes.

BinarySolo Tue 10-Sep-13 09:44:51

If it was me I'd feel uncomfortable buying sheets/clothes for myself, but would be happy to buy for a sibling. I'd still get something new for the baby too I think.

If I'd given the voucher then I think I'd be a little put out by it not being spent on the dc, but I wouldn't mind which child got the clothes. I actually think it's nice for the older sibling to get a treat when there's a new baby.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Tue 10-Sep-13 09:50:31

I give vouchers without a second thought to what they are going to be spent on. Tbh if the receiver swapped them for money with a relative who would be more likely to use them it would not bother me in the least. As far as I'm concerned, once you give a present, it ceases to be any of your business what gets done with it!

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 10-Sep-13 09:51:45

You should buy what you like - after all, if you chose £100 worth of clothers for dd2, she might not like what you chose anyway wink

YANBU at all... As you say, DD2 will benefit from the clothes too. When DS was born, I spent my Xmas and birthday Next vouchers on clothes for him as I was feeling fat and frumpy and postnatal all loved up with my beautiful newborn. The vouchers were meant for me, but I reallocated them as I saw fit. No problem...

GrandstandingBlueTit Tue 10-Sep-13 10:01:24

There isnt anything wrong with hand me downs, but sooner or later second/third/tenth children will wonder why their new clothes are suspiciously similar to something older sibling wore when it was fashionable 3 years ago, or why older sibling is the only one who has new things bought for them.

grin Hilarious.

Meanwhile, in the real world, actual kids couldn't care less about three years's ago clothes, if they tried.

OP, YANBU. Just go ahead and do it.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Tue 10-Sep-13 10:09:54

Disclaimer I am 41 weeks pregnant, so probably less tolerant than your average Daily Mail reader at the moment, but I think some people's attitude to hand-me-downs really encapsulates what has gone wrong with the world. We care far too much about stuff these days, and not enough about what's really important. I totally include myself in this analysis, since I have far too much stuff myself, and like to have nice new things. But we have pretty much ruined our economy and are quickly working our way through the world's resources because it has become commonplace to think that we need new things for new babies, or a new phone every year or so.

I gave not two hoots that I wore my brothers old trousers for playing out in. I would much rather that attitude still prevailed than that of DD's friend who refused to wear anything other than Ted Baker at 6 years old.

weeps

gets back to bouncing on birth ball

GaryBuseysTeeth Tue 10-Sep-13 10:15:48

I'd buy a coat with the vouchers.

Hold off on the naice bedding until dd2 is older, you just KNOW she'll find your make up bag and ruin the new stuff now.
Wouldn't feel comfortable spending dcs vouchers on stufff for me.

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 10:31:00

I wore hand me downs as a child never gave it a second thought, didn't even notice in photographs and I'm sure no one else did. I think that's an odd notion that it would damage esteem to be photographed in hand me downs.

Grandstanding You might find it hilarious, but having been bullied and known other children who were bullied at school for not having new clothes when at school age, I find it less so. Am I projecting? Definitely, but I'm not having my DS go through what I did.

Sorry OP, felt the need to defend my post. flowers But other posters are absolutely right, at the age DD2 is at she won't know any difference.

5madthings Tue 10-Sep-13 10:42:07

My kids friends have never noticed that they wear hand me downs, the majority of kids wear some hand me downs, they get new stuff as well as and when its needed, I see something I like. Fgs you can't even tell clothes are hand me downs and we are talking about a baby here any way.

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 10:45:58

Maybe is the issue then that wearing handle downs has been taboo, for some people.

My dd knows who has given her clothes and in fact she would rather wear her older cousins clothes than buy new ones.

If she were to be bullied about it, I'd teach her to hold her head high, just as she does when children remark, comment or make fun about anything.

Not wearing hand me downs does nothing but appease and give into bullies. It's not the fault of the clothes people wear its the fault of the bully.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 10:54:16

I go bullied for wearing glasses. Clearly my parents should have stopped me wearing them, go to appease folk, right?
Though what they should have done to my brother who was bullied for being clever, or my sister for being ginger, I don't know. A lobotomy and some hair dye, presumably. *

*clearly they should have changed our school, but never mind.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Tue 10-Sep-13 11:07:48

I love hand-me-downs. DD has a whole wardrobe of flared jeans/cords from her 9 & 6 year-old aunties. Yup, fashions have changed and her newer stuff is all skinny jeans/leggings. Do I think it matters? Nope. She's 18 months. Maybe it matters to older kids or teenagers, but not now.

Anyway, in answer to the OP, I would spend the vouchers on DD1, but I don't think I would buy sheets. Might be illogical, but it doesn't seem right to me!

JessicaWakefield1 Tue 10-Sep-13 11:09:06

Have just been on here and I'm surprised by so many responses - thanks for all your opinions.
As I said up thread the majority I will spend on dd1 but will get dd2 a little something too. Fully aware she will neither need nor appreciate this at this stage but it will help me (completely irrationally) feel a little better about things.
The poster up thread (I think it was mortifiedadams) , yes if aunt hadnt been so generous then of course I would've scraped money together for a trip to primark or whatever it just seems so silly to do this when I could get better quality clothes (which could be passed to dd2) without stretching ourselves.
I think I worry about setting a precendent and always being able to reason "dd2 has dd1s things whereas dd1 actually needs stuff." Dh thinks I'm way over thinking, we should spend the voucher on whichever dd needs stuff and is in awe that I have actually posted on an Internet forum about something so trivial. the concept of mumsnet aibu seems completely lost on him

MissManaged Tue 10-Sep-13 11:18:41

This has become a discussion about handmedowns, and actually I think it is a lot more about attitude to what is 'given' to children'.
Either you see such gifts as being given to the child, and so to be used for that child - or you see it as being given to you, to spend as you see fit.
Black & white.

What did the aunt think you would do with the money? why was it given? what was it given for?
I am guessing she really didn't give it to you, for new bedding.

Double check the vouchers ...do they have any expiry date? if not, then there will be ample opportunity to use the money for clothes next year, or to top up on things as DD2 develops.

If in doubt, phone the aunt and ask if she minds the money being spent on DD1. If that doesn't seem like an easy thing to do, then perhaps you have the answer?

elcranko Tue 10-Sep-13 12:12:42

Just spend the voucher on whatever you want OP. If you want new sheets or stuff for DD1 then get them!

I would buy one outfit for DD2 with the voucher though. She'll have something of her own with the voucher plus you can said a thank you card with a photo of her wearing the outfit to DH's aunt grin

Spend the rest on your sheets and DD1 though if that's what you really need. If DD2 has plenty of clothes already that she will grow out of in no time then spending a further £100 on more stuff for her would be a bit of a waste of money IMO.

solarbright Tue 10-Sep-13 12:21:08

I've learned something from this thread (one of those rare Mumsnet teachable moments grin): if I give a voucher, include a note that says 'Please use this to buy whatever you like for whatever family member you please, including yourself'.

I always thought it was implied that if I give you - or a child too young to realise what's going on - a gift, it is now yours to do with as you please (enjoy it, eBay it, spend it on the 'wrong' DC, whatever). It's a gift - I don't tell you how to use/enjoy it or even that you MUST keep it.

I suggest that all those who feel differently include a note that says the receiver had damn well better ring up and ask permission about how they are allowed to spend the gift.

JerseySpud Tue 10-Sep-13 12:23:39

I would do it. DD2 gets DD1's old clothes here so anything i buy for DD1 gets put by. DD2's clothes get handed down to my niece. So my SIL sometimes buys clothes for DD2 which she knows get handed down to her DD.

We like recycling clothes in our family

MillyStar Tue 10-Sep-13 12:25:37

I would use them!

I used my dd's first birthday money for our spends at haven this year as I was on my arse money wise!

Jengnr Tue 10-Sep-13 12:26:28

As long as you give her the £100 it's not an issue what you spend it on.

LegArmpits Tue 10-Sep-13 12:30:34

I'm snorting at the thought of kids being offended by decent hand-me-downs, I really am. My three don't give a hoot, in fact they love seeing pics of their older siblings wearing what they have on. I think it's horribly wasteful not to re-use, and I say that from a much better financial situation since having DC1.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 12:30:45

Use the voucher on dd1 if she needs clothes and put a £100 in dd2's bank account for when she needs something.

I wouldn't be happy if i gave a gift to the child and the mum spent it on herself but swapping the voucher for cash wouldn't be a issue.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 12:33:31

Hand me downs are fine for a younger child as they just dont care or notice but i was the second child who was always dressed in hand me downs and by the age of 10 i knew and resented it.

Even my socks and most of my underwear were handme downs and it would have be nice to just once be bought something just for me.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 12:34:17

Don't phone the aunt, for fucks sake, she'll think you've lost your mind!

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 12:35:30

christ, its gets worse, put 100 pound in the babies bank account....what planet are you people on?

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 12:41:41

On a planet where you dont take from your children.

The op hasn't said she is on the bones of her arse just that money is tight so why should she not replace the voucher with cash?
DD2 might not need anything now but she will in future and then she will have the money put away to pay for it.

QuizteamBleakley Tue 10-Sep-13 12:42:53

I don't know where in the country you are, OP, but search that there t'interweb for your nearest Next Outlet centre. They stock masses of stuff that's either been returned or (oh the horror) is last years stock. Generally, it's 50 - 70% off RRP. If you can make your £100 double you could get get some naice Egyptian cotton sheets and not feel any guilt!

I'm actually a bit shock that people have stopped giving vouchers or cash because they don't like they way some MNers have used them. Unreal. I too shall be popping a note in saying "Go crazy, spend as you please."

Happy shopping OP :-)

LadyFlumpalot Tue 10-Sep-13 12:48:30

I've dug into DSs savings twice now to pay for heating oil. He's 2. Currently he needs a warm house far more than some money he has no concept of yet.

I say go for it, if your DD1 needs clothes and DD2 already has an abundance then I see no issue at all.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 12:51:13

Ask yourself, what would dh's aunt want?

If she knew you were struggling for money and that you needed bedding and dd1 needed clothes, would she mind what you spent the money on?

Of course she wouldn't, not if she loves you all.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 12:52:06

see that is were people are different. if i gave a gift to a child i would expect it to go to that child and my family are the same.

This thread has opened my eyes a bit and i think unless i was sure that the person receiving the gift has the same view as me i think i will stick to giving a actual gift and remove the tags so it cant be taken back for cash.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 12:52:14

ffs, if the op could put £100 cash into the baby's bank account she wouldn't be asking the question, would she [baffled]

I wouldn't want a present from someone who wanted me to spend it on a baby who didn't need it rather than an older child who did.

How ridiculous.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 12:52:55

Why not just not give gifts at all, if you can't appreciate the sentiment behind them, and want to be so prescriptive?

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 12:54:03

no she has said she cant afford to spend £100 on dd1 as well as dd2 not that she is hunting pennies down the back of the sofa

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 12:54:24

on a planet where you don't take from your children

Really? Did you have a straight face when you typed that? Take from my children! <looks bitterly at bank balance>
You're hilarious.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 12:56:51

cantspel, would you really want the money to go to the child. Even if that meant the whole family going hungry, or an older child doing without new shoes?

I wouldn't want a present like that. It's a selfish present.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 12:57:12

Yes it is taking from your children. A gift given to a child is just that not a family present or extra income.

solarbright Tue 10-Sep-13 12:57:35

Cantspel - wow, that does exert an extra amount of control-freakery over gift-giving. You're the giver, so you are free to remove tags and avoid vouchers, of course, so no one can do anything you wouldn't approve of. But I can still eBay your gift, right?

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 13:01:08

If the family needed to eat it would entily different but op wants some next bedding. No one ever died because they had to buy tesco polycotton.

Nor at any time has the op said she is on her uppers. She just doesnt want to waste the voucher on stuff dd2 doesn't need.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 13:02:25

It's a selfish way of "giving". It's giving with strings attached. My granny used to do that, with the result that we never wanted to accept presents from her. We had to be so grateful, we had to spend money how she wanted it, we had to use presents according to her rules.

We didn't like her much.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 13:04:36

solar it wouldn't be an issue in my family as i know they have the same view as me any other gift i give i would like to think of the child enjoying it rather than being swapped for something for mum.

If i gave a gift on the birth of a child the mum and child would get separate presents and i would be upset if the mum took what i had given to a child as well.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 13:07:26

Mary no it is not selfish to give to a child. It gives them a nest egg to start their adult lives with if monetary gifts are put away for them.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 13:10:09

It isn't money, it's vouchers. If the aunt wanted money put away, she could have put it in an account herself, or bought prize bonds, or given cash with a specific request it was put away.

It's vouchers. They have to be spent within a certain time. you would have the op spend £100 on clutter - clothes that aren't needed and may never be worn.

Jan49 Tue 10-Sep-13 13:10:28

I would spend the Next vouchers on what you need to buy for dd1 but put an IOU/note in a money box saying you owe dd2 £100 and replace it eventually. I don't see money or vouchers given as presents as money to be pooled or just "for the family". My ds sometimes gets given vouchers for shops that he'll never want to buy anything from so I spend them on me or the house but give him the money to replace them.

If I give someone money for a child, I wouldn't expect them to spend it on another of their dc, but if they were struggling I'd entirely understand if they did so.

solarbright Tue 10-Sep-13 13:13:39

If you give a gift, you just give it. You don't ask after it or how it's used. It is now theirs to do with as they see fit. That's what giving a gift means.

If it will really upset you, then it's best to restrict gifts to within your own family or start cutting off those tags. My DC are now old enough to understand that they can sell on or return things given to them, and they do that every time there's a birthday or Xmas gift they do not want or need. (After they've written a nice thank you note, obviously.) Clearly now the money goes to them, as they are old enough to have their own cash and their own things.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 13:16:07

It's mean spirited, is what it is. I honestly wouldn't want you to give me a gift, with that attitude.

QuizteamBleakley Tue 10-Sep-13 13:17:11

One week after DS2 was born I was given a voucher (by my lovely, childless, gorgeous friend) for a high-end (fnar) lingerie shop. I lifted my top, showed her me saggy norks and wobbly belly and, without a word, she took back the voucher and gave me £50 so that I could go and (in her words) "Get some scaffolding and apple gatherers from Marks and Sparks and a bottle of red from the food hall." Love her. The point, really, is that even the most well-intentioned gift ("Hey new Momma, get your sexxxxxy back on") might not be what that person / child / family needs at that point in time.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 13:17:27

yes but you give a gift to that person. If the child is old enough to choose to swap it for something else then it is their choice and they still get whatever they have swapped it for. But if it was a younger child who had something taken away and swapped for a new hairdryer for mum that is completely different and would not be how i intended my gift to be used.

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 13:19:37

QuizteamBleakley again different as the gift giver had the choice to swap what she was giving. She might not have been so happy if your husband had then taken the £50 and bought himself the latest ps3 game.

solarbright Tue 10-Sep-13 13:20:22

cantspel - I just want to take a moment out of this disagreement to say how very much I like your user name!

cantspel Tue 10-Sep-13 13:22:58

solar thankyou

have some cake that i have taken the gift tag off grin

MissManaged Tue 10-Sep-13 13:23:53

would you really want the money to go to the child. Even if that meant the whole family going hungry, or an older child doing without new shoes?

ummm......this might be just a teeny-weeny bit over dramatic. A family is now going to starve for want of spending a gift voucher [sceptical]

The question, surely, is how the OP planned to clothe her child before auntie donated £100 to the pot?
A gift is a gift ...not a donation to the cause.

(and actually, I often add a note to vouchers, usually to say "make sure you spend this on yourself, not the kids!!")

solarbright Tue 10-Sep-13 13:25:28

grin I never return cake. Ever.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 13:29:27

I know it is an exaggeration in this case, MissManaged, but it's the principle I was arguing.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Tue 10-Sep-13 13:49:38

Cantspell Please please don't cut the tags off. My ds is 3 months old, on the 98th centile for height and is in 6 - 9 month clothes.

He was given loads of lovely newborn / 0 - 3 month clothes when he was born which he grew out of in (what seemed like) days so I swapped some for 3 - 6 months.

I also swapped some long sleeves for short sleeves.

It just seems such a waste that clothing doesn't get worn because the buyer misanticipates the weather or the fact that the child grows like a weed.

kali110 Tue 10-Sep-13 13:58:46

Not sure i would do it but i dont think be bad for using the vouchers to buy both of your kids something. I wouldnt use them to buy myself expensive things though.
I dont think little kids know the difference from hand me downs and new clothes.
Think when they reach senior school then maybe nice for them to have few new things. I remember having to hold my head high from merciless bullies, however didnt stop me feeling like shit everyday.

pigletmania Tue 10-Sep-13 14:08:50

Yes your dd needs new clothes and you are broke, I absolutelwould use that money for that.

fabergeegg Tue 10-Sep-13 14:14:31

I would do exactly what I wanted to with the vouchers if I were you.

I just don't care!

JessicaWakefield1 Tue 10-Sep-13 14:16:56

I'm quite surprised so many of you have mentioned that the giver of the voucher would be upset by me using it on dd1. I must say I hadn't really considered this, was more concerned that I would be "stealing" off dd2.
While I've no doubt dh's aunt probably imagined we would buy dd2 clothes with the voucher I really don't think she would mind if I used it on dd1. Maybe I'm being a bit naive though, especially after seeing some people's opinions. Dh keeps threatening to send her the link to the thread so he obviously thinks she wouldn't be at all bothered.

Shamoy Tue 10-Sep-13 14:30:03

God I would spend it on dd1 in a heart beat.
Why on earth would you spend it on clothes for a 2 month old baby who already has more than enough clothes when you've got a toddler who is in need of clothes!!
They will be used by dd2 after anyway!!
I'd be perfectly happy with this had I given you the voucher!!

elcranko Tue 10-Sep-13 14:39:59

This is all getting a bit OTT. When a couple has a baby the gifts they receive are for the family. The gift usually consists of baby clothes as these are helpful to the family and/or the buyer enjoys buying cute little outfits. In this case the gift is a voucher. The OP can spend this voucher on her family as she pleases and if she decides that she wants new bedding as part of that then so be it! The voucher is for her too - she's just had a baby and deserves a treat FFS!

Sleep easy in your new bedding OP, I know I would! grin

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 14:41:14

Think of it as buying clothes for DD2 if you like. Just really big ones that won't fit her for ages, big enough, in fact, that DD1 could have some wear out of them first.

See, everyones happy. grin

elcranko Tue 10-Sep-13 14:42:35

Another point- with this being their second child maybe the aunt thought that they probably had more than enough clothing and decided to give them a voucher instead to spend on something nice as they please. This is exactly what the OP intends to do. I don't get what the problem is here?!

Floggingmolly Tue 10-Sep-13 15:17:56

There is no problem, but some strange people are insisting it's "stealing" from the baby grin

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 10-Sep-13 15:57:58

Cantspel, i may start taking tags off too. Wouldnt mind them being swapped for a different size but not for somebody else.

If my child is given a gift, its his and nobody elses. I dont deem it as family money or family vouchers and am shocked at how many would spend another persons gift.

Using the vouchers and replacing if a short date on them is one thing but taking from a child to use on other things is awful.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 16:42:51

They can't be swapped for a different size if you've taken the tags off. Seriously, just don't give gifts if you're going to be like that.

I actually took presents from one of my children to give to the other a few weeks ago. My two sons had a shared birthday party and invited several children each. Due to circumstances, my elder one had 7 guests and my younger only two. They all brought presents. Presumably the naysayers here would have been happy to let one child get many many more presents than the other? Some bizarre sense of fairness, no doubt.

Luckily my eight year old has a better sense of gift giving than some of you lot, and had no problem with it.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 17:10:09

If I give a gift to one person then its for that person, not for that persons mother brother or anybody else.

If the person is old enough to chose then what they do with it is up to them.

honeybunny14 Tue 10-Sep-13 17:29:13

Yanbu totaly agree with 5madthings

wimblehorse Tue 10-Sep-13 17:37:22

sell some of dd1's clothes that you were saving for dd2 & use the money to buy new second-hand clothes for dd2

^ this makes no sense. How are someone else's hand me downs better than a sister's?

Use the voucher to buy things dd1 needs, with a token new item for dd2 if it makes you feel better. There will come a time when dd2 wants her own new things, but as a baby no need at all

MissManaged Tue 10-Sep-13 17:43:48

On what planet is a it unreasonable to assume that giving a gift to a baby or a child means THAT child will benefit from the gift.
How is it reasonable to say that people should not bother giving a gift if they are going to care about who actually gets it.

Equally, ref an earlier post, why is there an assumption that a gift to a baby is a gift to the entire family? Unless the giver so specifies?
If its a gift to "the family" it will say so on the gift-tag!

Or are we saying its fine for a silver christening tankard to be flogged off on ebay, because the baby can't use it for years and the parents could do with some cash? Really??

Don't misinterpret this - I couldn't give a tuppeny damn if I give a gift to an adult (or child old enough to make informed decision) and they choose to convert it to cash, give it away or burn the thing on a bonfire. I gave the gift so its their choice. That is not the case with children too young to judge.

If parents want to manipulate what their child receives then fine - but don't argue that its the fault of the giver if they are unimpressed by your actions.
And have the arguments neatly lined up if and when the children grow up and ask "what happened to the gift 'so-and-so' told me she gave me when I was born/christened".

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 17:50:41

Well I'm just glad that I live in a cosy little bubble where people are nice, and give gifts out of love and/or kindness, and who trust me to spend money and vouchers on my children the way I see best, and who not dream of telling me what to do with said gifts.

I did get given a few items of baby clothes that had the tags cut off by mean people which were too small. I suppose I should have forced the child into to them anyway, rather then regift them to other new babies?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 18:30:44

Onthebottom.

How on earth is it dictating to give a gift to someone and expect that person to receive the gift?

If I gave you a gift I would expect you to use it how you saw fit,if I give it to a child its not yours its the child's.

MortifiedAdams Tue 10-Sep-13 19:17:54

It comes.down.to who you think is the recipient of the gift.

In my opinion, the baby is the recipient

Had your elder dd been gifted £100 would you have taken that for bedsheets or something nice for the younger dd?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 19:25:11

So was I wrong with presents at the party then? I gave gifts intended for one child to another. Opinions?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 10-Sep-13 19:49:31

Well I wouldn't have planned such a unequal party so would never have to fret about that

Floggingmolly Tue 10-Sep-13 19:53:58

They're siblings, sharing a joint party. Of course you weren't wrong.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 10-Sep-13 21:43:42

It wasn't planned that way, little miss perfect. hmm

So its ok to take from one sibling and give to another sometimes, but not other times. And its somehow less ok to do it with a newborn baby who would have no idea? I don't understand the reasoning.

Ireallymustbemad Tue 10-Sep-13 22:09:37

On what planet is a it unreasonable to assume that giving a gift to a baby or a child means THAT child will benefit from the gift.
How is it reasonable to say that people should not bother giving a gift if they are going to care about who actually gets it.

Equally, ref an earlier post, why is there an assumption that a gift to a baby is a gift to the entire family? Unless the giver so specifies?
If its a gift to "the family" it will say so on the gift-tag!

Or are we saying its fine for a silver christening tankard to be flogged off on ebay, because the baby can't use it for years and the parents could do with some cash? Really??

Don't misinterpret this - I couldn't give a tuppeny damn if I give a gift to an adult (or child old enough to make informed decision) and they choose to convert it to cash, give it away or burn the thing on a bonfire. I gave the gift so its their choice. That is not the case with children too young to judge.

If parents want to manipulate what their child receives then fine - but don't argue that its the fault of the giver if they are unimpressed by your actions.
And have the arguments neatly lined up if and when the children grow up and ask "what happened to the gift 'so-and-so' told me she gave me when I was born/christened".

This ^^^. ^^
I am stunned at the amount of people who think that it's ok to take a baby's present and give it to someone else. Would you do that to a teenager??? Of course you wouldn't!!

Is it that hard to broach the subject with Auntie? Ask if she minds - problem solved. confused

MissManaged Tue 10-Sep-13 22:32:33

OnTheBottom
You said that your older child was involved in the decision to share gifts?
Which is a slightly different matter.

FWIW, no, it is not what I would have done because I agree with you that moral reasoning should not be muddled in that way. However the issue is one for another thread, really.

Dominodonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 22:46:01

Totally agree with Miss, Mortified and cantspel and sock

The money was for your younger child. Not for you or your older child.

Why is that difficult for people to understand?

At what point would you not find it acceptable to take money from your children? (not speaking to the OP here) Would you take birthday money from a teenager? - I very much doubt it because the child would know and most likely object (especially if it was for their mum to buy themselves a hairdryer!) but baby doesn't know so its fine to take money from them...

If you are a bit short at the moment write an IOU to the child, pay it back when she is 18 or even older if that is the first time you can afford it.

Dominodonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 22:50:11

"Luckily my eight year old has a better sense of gift giving than some of you lot, and had no problem with it"

Fair point - when the OP's baby can say it's fine for the OP to take her money and spend it on other people then the Op can do it.

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 23:00:31

At what point would you not find it acceptable to take money from your children?

I will probably get flamed for this, but I would say at the point this child is not in need of anything other than milk sleep comfort, warmth and love. And they have something of monetary value that will benefit themselves in the long run or anyone else in the family who is in greater need at that time.

I used all my dds monetary gifts from birth and baptism which amounted to a good few hundred pounds to meet bills and the cost of living and essentials for the household and did not repay this. Seeing as I was solely meeting all her needs and she required nothing that this money could buy other than a roof over her head and healthy and fed family.

We are talking about a baby who is not in need of anything and a child who needs a coat, the op isn't rubbing her hands together looking for ways to spend this money frivolously.

Dominodonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 23:09:32

Listen

"I used all my dds monetary gifts from birth and baptism which amounted to a good few hundred pounds to meet bills and the cost of living and essentials for the household and did not repay this"

I find that incredible - did you tell all of the people who gave money to your child at the christening that you were going to take it all?

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 23:11:51

I did not take it it was used to provide for my dd. I just didnt save it or use it to buy unnecessarily for a new born child it was used for the essentials she needed to thrive.

Dominodonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 23:14:10

listen

I totally understand that she didn't need the money then but you state you have no intention of paying the money back. Surely she will have need of it for uni or a car or whatever in the future.

How were you planning on paying for household bills if you hadn't had a child?

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 23:18:17

And of course along the way I bought plenty of special little treats outfits and cuddly toys, I just didnt say to the baby cooing away oh and that was was from aunty X's £20. Sometimes recourses in a family need to be pooled in order to make ends meet.

MissManaged Tue 10-Sep-13 23:20:55

listen
How had you planned to provide for your daughter, if people had not been so generous in giving gifts to her?

Did you tell people that you spent the money on your electric bill? or council tax?

A bit stunned, tbh.

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 23:22:07

Well of course it was repaid probably a good few thousand times over, I just didnt put in its own separate little pot.

Onebuddhaisnotenough Tue 10-Sep-13 23:26:23

Spend the money on the clothes that DD needs, and that DD 2 will need one day too. Mine love the seasonal 'bringing down the hand me downs box' from the loft and take great delight in sorting through DD1s old clothes and recognising things from photos.

MissManaged Tue 10-Sep-13 23:27:08

So, 'repaid' as in: she received all the things that parents would normally pay for?

Or did she get a car/travel/other 'item' that she knew was from her christening gifts?

Dominodonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 23:29:02

YY Miss Manage - was just trying to phrase that exact point.

BrianTheMole Tue 10-Sep-13 23:32:21

Do what you need to do op. If your dc1 needs clothes and dc2 doesn't, then use the vouchers to get dc1 clothes. Its a no brainer really. If I gave someone vouchers that they chose to use for a different purpose because they needed to, then that would be fine, I'm amazed people think it wouldn't be.

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 23:34:16

Well mismanaged that depends on what you would describe all the things a parent would usually pay for.

Obviously that depends on the choice of that particular family. No rules state that birth baptism or birthday gifted should be ring fenced for anything in particular.

You may chose to set this aside for cars Uni etc. someone else may decide to buy the swinging chair and others may decide to pool the resources to buy another family member a well needed coat or ensure the bills are paid and the child is clothed fed and has a few treats and still work hard to provide a car or food parcels for Uni themselves.

It is all pretty relative when it comes to babies.

Dominodonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 23:41:32

No but surely common decency would suggest that the money was for the child even if it was for a cot,pram etc not for council tax etc.
You would have had to live in the house whether your child had arrived or not.

MissManaged Tue 10-Sep-13 23:42:03

It is all pretty relative when it comes to babies

For me, its actually all pretty clear cut.

I think this thread has proven how much we all differ.

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 23:51:16

Of course but all those things are and still provided for just not placed in a separate pot from xy and z.

Maryz Tue 10-Sep-13 23:52:28

Well, actually, in my family it was done to teenagers.

My grandfather (who was at times a pretty horrible man), gave £20 for Christmas to my older brother, £10 to my younger brother and a fiver to me. Every year. Same if he came to visit.

My mum took the lot, divided it in three (and usually added a fiver) and we got the same.

I don't think that was theft, it was fairness.

I don't keep a record of what Child Benefit I use for each child either. Obviously I would love to live in a world where I could bank it for each child, but I don't. So some months I might buy rugby boots for ds2 out of it, another month it might be a school trip for dd.

Maybe I should have kept a record over the years shock. I might have "stolen" from one or other of them.

Dominodonkey Tue 10-Sep-13 23:55:22

Mary

You are being disingenuous and you know it.

Child benefit is not a present for a child. It is for the wide ranging costs incurred in raising a child.

And your parents were redressing an unfairness perpetuated by your grandfather - not spending it on themselves.

Listentomum Tue 10-Sep-13 23:55:47

grin marz

brdgrl Wed 11-Sep-13 00:04:22

listenmum, I think you did absolutely the right thing. Money given to a baby, unless clearly designated for a particular thing, is for the parents to spend on the child's needs. A child needs a home and heat and all of those things.
If someone wants to make sure a gift of money is not touched until the child comes of age and can have it for university or a car or whatnot - there are easy ways to do this. Or they can give vouchers.
If I gave a monetary gift to a new baby, and then went around to the house and saw that there was no milk (for mum) in the fridge, or no heat, I'd be gutted to know that my gift had been put aside for a future dance class or god forbid, a car.

Listentomum Wed 11-Sep-13 00:26:49

Exactly that brdgrl I find the whole argument against the OP absurd. I could write aunty x a thank you letter and let her know that her £20 really benefited dd 7 years later in buying her first football kit or to cousin A to let them know that 10 years layer their £50 made sure dd had a full 2 1/2 months fees at sea cadets or 20 years later to say to my sister hey thanks that £100 pounds went towards dds first car. Most people aren't in that position to set all monetary gifts aside for specifics like that.

Or it could be argued that dd at 7 shouldn't have to put her birthday money towards buying clothes even though that's what she wants or towards buying skis for the y11 school trip because that's within what a parent should ordinarily be providing.

Do what's right for you s d your family.

MissManaged Wed 11-Sep-13 07:54:54

Those arguments don't really hold water, listen

It would certainly be absurd to write letters years down the line, but very sensible to write a thank you at the time which tells the person that the money is being saved for the child.
The seven year old is making a clear personal choice, if she wants to buy clothes with her birthday money.
As for the ski's - I actually think that example offers a perfect learning opportunity about budgeting and personal expenditure: as a family we can't afford the ski trip, but if you are happy to spend your own money on buying the ski's then we can do it. Your money, your choice.

Of course the OP should do what she feels is right for her family. She is hardly going to use the thoughts of strangers on the internet to decide on something she thinks is wrong for them. I said (yesterday!) that there are obviously clear differences, and the OP will know which side of the fence sits comfortably with her conscience.
Paying household bills with hundreds of pounds gifted to my child for birth/baptism just wouldn't sit well with mine.
Each to their own.

Eastpoint Wed 11-Sep-13 07:55:07

Spend the vouchers. Sometimes they go out of date or the company goes bust & they end up valueless. Anyone remember Jessops or HMV (until they reopened)?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Wed 11-Sep-13 10:32:28

He wasn't really involved in the decision. I decided, and told him, and he was more than happy to share. However, I would have done it anyway, so that doesn't really matter.
I knew he would though, he's a lovely boy with a better sense of kindness and generosity than many of the grown adults on this thread.

Floggingmolly Wed 11-Sep-13 10:55:42

she may have need of it for uni or a car later
That's true, actually.
So if op was so frivolous as to spend it on baby clothes as the aunt apparently dictated; she will one day be forced to stand before her dd with her head bowed in shame and explain why there's £100 missing from the uni fund sad
Where will the money for therapy come from? Let's hope the baby gets lots of vouchers for Christmas, op could use that...

MissManaged Wed 11-Sep-13 11:01:45

I think there is now some blurring of discussion between the OP, and subsequent posts about different use of larger sums of money which were not specifically designated.

Either way, views differ.
Which is fine.
So, I'm done
smile

nocoolusernameY0 Wed 11-Sep-13 11:15:52

I honestly don't think that a person giving to one of your children would begrudge it being spent on an another one of them, if the named recipient didn't need anything and the other one did. I've spent money meant for one on another when I've been struggling loads of times. I wouldn't buy the Next bedsheets though, that's pushing it!

My dad always gives the kids money. When he was giving my 5 week old 6 quid for 'ice-cream', I don't think I was off the mark buying my 3 year old spag bol in Morrisons cafe with it. At least I hope not... he's probably been telling all the SIN's that I give my baby's ice-cream, the bloody menace grin

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