To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

(231 Posts)
InViennaWeWerePoetry Sat 07-Sep-13 18:08:42

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

Bambamb Sat 07-Sep-13 18:10:20

YANBU. I would be upset at this. Just call and ask? And make it clear that if you go your DD gas to go too.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Sat 07-Sep-13 18:10:20

You need to ask or just send back an acceptance that names you both

OddBoots Sat 07-Sep-13 18:11:14

Don't guess, ask them. People get easily middled and mistakes are easily made when planning gatherings. I can see why your upset but it is worth checking that it's not just an oversight.

Bambamb Sat 07-Sep-13 18:11:18

Yes good idea, feign ignorance.

Snoopingforsoup Sat 07-Sep-13 18:12:37

Ask if it was an oversight first.

It probably is.

Amy106 Sat 07-Sep-13 18:12:47

I would double check on this. It could simply be a mistake. If not, make it clear that is both of you attending or none at all.

catkind Sat 07-Sep-13 18:13:15

Are they aware you will still be fostering dd at the time of the party? My first thought was perhaps they think it's a short term arrangement, but I don't know your situation or how much you've talked to gps about it. Could you just give them a call and find out?

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 07-Sep-13 18:14:11

Yes, just get in touch and say that you assume that the invite includes DD and you would both be delighted to attend

MairzyDoats Sat 07-Sep-13 18:15:02

I'm confused - are your DD's parents your aunt and uncle?

Sparklymommy Sat 07-Sep-13 18:15:35

What catkind said.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Sat 07-Sep-13 18:17:08

They haven't met her, and its a fairly new arrangement. I think you're being harsh. It doesn't mean she isn't invited, perhaps they forgot about her or maybe they didn't know her surname, or if she is using yours, and didn't know what to write...
Honestly, why assume nefarious motives? Stupidity or thoughtlessness is usually the answer rather than malice.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sat 07-Sep-13 18:30:56

Aunt and uncle are aware that this is a long term arrangement, next step is to apply for special guardianship. DD going back to her mother at this point is incredibly unlikely, for reasons I won't go into. The grandparents whom the party is for have met DD a couple of times and my aunt is very close to them, so they're not unaware of her by any means IYSWIM.

My aunt and uncle aren't DD's parents, no, no biological relation between DD and my family. I'll give my aunt a call tonight and ask if DD is invited.

jelliebelly Sat 07-Sep-13 18:47:22

I bet they've just forgotten about her

SarahAndFuck Sat 07-Sep-13 18:56:32

Calling and checking is a good idea, they have probably made a mistake.

But I would still send an acceptance with her name on it as well as yours.

Retroformica Sat 07-Sep-13 19:10:57

Well she's fairly new and they might have forgotten. Just tell them in your RSVP that you are planning to bring along SD and how you are both looking forward to the meal.

thefuturesnotourstosee Sat 07-Sep-13 19:55:20

Just tell them. Do you have any reason to think they've missed her out intentionally? Are they generally malicious or sometimes just a bit thoughtless? Most likely its the latter and when you talk to them they'll be mortified.

Hope it gets sorted OP

piratecat Sat 07-Sep-13 19:58:23

just ask them

lunar1 Sat 07-Sep-13 20:01:33

Hope it's just a misunderstanding and she is invited.

SPBisResisting Sat 07-Sep-13 20:05:19

I suspect theyve not thought rather than been mean. I hope anyway

Itstartshere Sat 07-Sep-13 20:36:40

I think some families are massively shit with things like this. They hope that if they don't address the issue (i.e invite her) it will go away. Hope you make it clear to them that you'll only go if she can come, it would be tremendously hurtful if you went without her.

People really don't think.

WaitMonkey Sat 07-Sep-13 21:02:55

Did you ring them ?

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sat 07-Sep-13 23:25:11

She is not invited. I think I may have accidentally sparked off an international incident blush

Sorry to hear that OP, why isn't she invited?

nancy75 Sat 07-Sep-13 23:29:42

I really thought you were going to come back and say they left her off because of something silly like they couldn't remember her name and didn't like to ask.
Why isn't she invited? Are other children going?

MarysDressSways Sat 07-Sep-13 23:30:09

What was their reason for that?? Awful behaviour. Are you still going to go?

Lj8893 Sat 07-Sep-13 23:32:13

Why isn't she invited? I can't think of any reason why it would be acceptable not to invite her unless other children are not invited but you already said your brothers dc is invited.

cookielove Sat 07-Sep-13 23:34:29

How can she not be invited?

Ifcatshadthumbs Sat 07-Sep-13 23:35:27

Did they say why she isn't invited? I would decline the invite given that other children have been invited.

raggedymum Sat 07-Sep-13 23:35:30

That doesn't seem right. Did they say why?

nickelbabe Sat 07-Sep-13 23:35:40

that's really mean.of them.I am hoping it's because they think she won't be with you by then.

What? Why?? You have GOT to be kidding me.

lunar1 Sat 07-Sep-13 23:42:32

What in earth reason did they give?

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sat 07-Sep-13 23:50:31

They want to keep the event as low key as possible as my granddad has been ill- they're limiting the guest list hugely apparently. Only children of 'immediate' family are invited- my niece, aunt and uncles own dcs, and a few more cousins- as far as I can tell the only other children left off the guest list are those of my grandparents' nieces and nephews. Bizarrely my cousins on my mum's side (children of my mum's sister invited because she will be visiting from abroad) are invited. So it's not really a limited guest list at all, it's just without close friends of my grandparents, great nieces and nephews and DD. I'm fuming.

Lj8893 Sat 07-Sep-13 23:52:38

That's an awful excuse. Your dd is as much "immediate family" as your brothers dd.

I'm disgusted for you and your dd.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 07-Sep-13 23:54:58

That's not on at all. And it hardly sounds like a 'low key' event with so many people there!

Tell them calmly that if your DD is not able to come then regretfully neither are you. And don't listen to any excuses about you making things difficult. They are being thoughtless at best and unkind at worst.

Wonderstuff Sat 07-Sep-13 23:55:45

sad that's crap. Can anyone be made to see the light?

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sat 07-Sep-13 23:55:47

It's not the first time they've behaved insensitively- they've never done anything on this scale before though. I said I wasn't going without dd- aunt pointed out how upset my grandparents would be if I wasn't there angry

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 07-Sep-13 23:59:16

And make sure other people know why you aren't coming. Don't let them get away with making out that you just couldn't make the date or be bothered.

Still can't get over their idea of what constitutes a 'low key' event. Clue: if you have to send a postal invitation, it's not low key.

" Your dd is as much "immediate family" as your brothers dd "

^^ This.

You're not looking after her for a couple of weeks, this is years, probably forever, and you were quite right to say you won't go without dd.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sun 08-Sep-13 00:03:07

I'd be tempted to show up, with your DD of course, and effectively dare them to say anything. If you could get some of the rest of your family to front it out with you (your brother and his family?) they couldn't really do anything. I'm only suggesting this so that you could actually go to your grandparents' do - otherwise I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of you going after this.

EduCated Sun 08-Sep-13 00:05:20

I would, in all seriousness, just turn up with her on the day.

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 08-Sep-13 00:07:24

Did you point out to her that it will be her fault they're upset? If it's important enough to you to be there for your GPs, then just take her anyway. I'd like to see your aunt turn her away at the door.

BlackMogul Sun 08-Sep-13 00:08:22

No , Vienna, not you, them! I find it incredible that this should happen! What is their problem with you bringing DD?

nancy75 Sun 08-Sep-13 00:08:33

I would tell them I am not missing the party and im not leaving dd at home. Take her with you and if they don't like it let them tell you why in front of the rest of the family.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sun 08-Sep-13 00:09:45

The worst of it is dd and I will be staying at my mums during the weekend of the party- so surely that at least puts DD in the same bracket as the cousins on my mum's side? confused

They don't really do low key snazzy, their motto in life is go all out.

That's it exactly fetchez- they haven't really grasped the concept of it being a long-term arrangement. My aunt is arguing that somehow numbers need to be limited and DD isn't as close to my grandparents- that would be because she's been with me for not quite 4 months. Which surely gives her more of a right to be at the party than the 2 month old baby invited, if we're going to play that game grin

Ifcatshadthumbs Sun 08-Sep-13 00:10:44

Actually I take it back as the party is for your grandparents you should turn up with your dd. I doubt your aunt could turn her away without looking like a bitch on the day

nancy75 Sun 08-Sep-13 00:12:21

What a bastard. They don't own your grandparents. Is the party in their house or somewhere else?

Lj8893 Sun 08-Sep-13 00:12:56

I would send an RSVP for you and your dd. and then turn up on the day with her.

Wonderstuff Sun 08-Sep-13 00:16:26

What does your mum say? Can she explain slowly the nature of you DDs relationship to you and the extended family, could it be they just live in quite a small world and just don't get it?

wellieboots Sun 08-Sep-13 00:33:25

Oh OP, I often think that people get a bit het up and stressed over nothing on these threads, but this is ridiculous and so sad .

Didn't you say your brother's child is invited? So that makes any argument about "immediate family" stupid because if your brother's child is immediate family, so is yours!

nickelbabe Sun 08-Sep-13 08:07:48

the bit that annoys me most is that it's a party for your gps but your aunt hasn't invited people who your gps would love to be there.
so really it's just a party for your aunt.

pp, not only would I take DD with me, byt I would also invite the people that you feel gave been missed off. make the rsvp your address.

I can't imagine that your aunt would turn people away, especially as they can say they've been invited.

MoreThanWords Sun 08-Sep-13 08:19:25

As an aside, be prepared for similar thoughtlessness to continue even after you've got the SGO. I still (after four years) get asked "Is the little one still with you?".

auntpetunia Sun 08-Sep-13 08:32:34

I just knew she was going to say you DD wasn't invited as she wasn't "family ". Speak direct to grandparents and your parents and tell them what you've been told. Aunty sounds like a cow.

AngelinaCongleton Sun 08-Sep-13 08:42:17

That's pretty selfish. I'd say dd and I will pop in to the party for 20 mins "to say hi, so we don't overload the grandparents". Only a prize idiot would not relent in the face of being shown up like that.

AngelinaCongleton Sun 08-Sep-13 08:43:14

"As we couldn't miss such a special occasion, thanks so much for organising"

AcrylicPlexiglass Sun 08-Sep-13 08:51:36

How awful. I would be very angry too. I think you should completely stick to the plan of not going unless your daughter is invited. Make it absolutely clear that you will not be able to go unless she is welcome too. Once you've made this crystal clear don't discuss it any further as there is no room whatsoever for compromise here. It's a shame that your grandparents will miss out on having you and your daughter at their gathering but you can always go round separately later. Definitely do not under any circumstances take her along to the event if they don't invite her. It's too much of a gamble. People who are cruel enough to exclude a child in this way may well have to brass neck to confront you about bringing her and she could feel devastated if she hears that happen.

Can't your dad intervene? They're his parents too, after all!

Blu Sun 08-Sep-13 09:01:14

Good grief! She thinks she can guilt trip you by telling you how upset your gps will be without considering how upsetting her horrible exclusion is?

How is your mum in the midst of all this? I can't imagine she would feel great on the day of the party saying to your DD 'Vienna and I are off to a party with all the family we are leaving you with a babysitter!' Or think it remotely possible that you would agree to that.

If your Mum, or Dad, especially your Dad as it is his family. are likely to be understanding, I would talk it all through with them and decide the best way to get the aunt to realize how preposterous she is being .

In the long run it will be best if this can be dealt with without a long lasting feud, but if they won't co operate ther is no way at all I would go without your Dd. which probably means I would visit your Mum at a different time.

People are such fuckers.

GrinchAnInch Sun 08-Sep-13 09:26:14

I would twist it around on them, Tell them when your grandparents are upset you couldn't attend that they can explain why ! How mean will they look that they excluded a little girl from a family gathering.

cantreachmytoes Sun 08-Sep-13 09:29:10

This is horrible!

If I was organising, your DD would be coming. What I'm wondering though is if they really understand that your DD is exactly that and not your "foster child". Even if they have form for being insensitive, they may not understand. I say this as someone who doesn't know what a SGO is or how long a child can be fostered or where the line is between SGO and adoption. I'm not asking anyone to explain it to me, just pointing out that I don't know, so I'm probably not the only one.

I'm NOT excusing their behaviour. Even if DD was a friend's 8 year old daughter you had to look after on that day, it would be normal for her to attend, especially as there are other children, as she's 8: what else could happen? They're being ridiculous and mean.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Sun 08-Sep-13 09:35:18

I wouldn't be going without her either, ffs how much room do Tgey think she'll take up? Or is it about attention?

allhappyfamiliesarealike Sun 08-Sep-13 09:36:29

The only problem with just turning up with your DD is that they might make it clear that she isn't welcome. I wouldn't put your DD in that position, so you need to sort it out beforehand. Never underestimate how mean-spirited people can be towards vulnerable children.

acer12 Sun 08-Sep-13 09:37:16

I would go and take dd with you. She is family . The party is for you DG not your aunty, not aunty so fuck her!

acer12 Sun 08-Sep-13 09:39:30

Maybe you could tell everyone in the family what aunty has done do they all know she is a cunt. Who the hell would leave a vulnerable child that needs embracing in to a family more then ever, out!?

Jinty64 Sun 08-Sep-13 09:43:30

I wouldn't go but would send a lovely card to be read out at the party letting your Grandparents know how much you would have loved to be there but that you couldn't leave your little girl.

Inertia Sun 08-Sep-13 09:52:30

That's awful.

As other posters have said , there is a danger that if you take dd she might be made to feel unwelcome. One option might be to tell your aunt that you cannot go without your dd, but to allay upset to your grandparents you will call them once the party is underway and explain that you are sorry you can't be there but you cannot attend as your daughter was banned from attending. That might shame your aunt.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 08-Sep-13 10:01:07

Oh I would be incredibly blunt. If your brothers DC are invited I would phone up and ask why his are and your DD isn't. Then, irrespective of the answer, I would turn up with DD, it is your Grandparents celebration, not your aunts. Grrrrrrrr.

TeaAndABiscuit Sun 08-Sep-13 10:05:23

I would let the grandparents ask why you weren't there. What way can they spin their decision without looking like ar**holes.

SarahAndFuck Sun 08-Sep-13 10:08:22

I was worried this might be the case.

I would still send that reply card accepting the invitation in both of your names and saying that your DD is looking forward to her great-grandparents party.

If their other great-grandchildren are invited, DD is invited.

LoveSewingBee Sun 08-Sep-13 10:09:48

How sad. Could your DM talk to your aunt? Of course you can't go without dd, she would feel so excluded.

If your dm cannot help maybe have a chat with your GP they are probably totally unaware of all this nastiness.

ginslinger Sun 08-Sep-13 10:14:02

this is so distressing for you - I would write to your GPs explaining that you can't come without your DD but wish them well for their day. And then wait.

Pimpf Sun 08-Sep-13 10:15:53

Sorry, I would go and make it clear that your dd will be joining you. End of.

This is very different to a no children request. Your db's child is going, so is yours

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 10:24:27

My family are not perfect.
But when we had a tiny baby land in our laps out of the blue they never ONCE treated him as anything other than a member of our family.

We didn't know if he he was going to be with us for long but that didn't make any difference. As it happens he is still here and we have adopted him.

I have to give my DM credit for the way she behaved. She must have been concerned about the situation we were in. Our DS's birth family are the sort of people that would terrify her (and most people as it happens). She never expressed her worries and she immediately welcomed this little scrap.

He has always been treated as her grandchild. My siblings are the same.

I would have been utterly horrified if he had been excluded in this way.

If you can, if you feel strong enough you have to set the tone NOW.
If your family are basically nice people they will 'get it'.
You are going to have to be clear that this child is your DD and you will not allow her to be treated as anything less.

SeaSickSal Sun 08-Sep-13 10:24:28

I have to say I think this is a difficult situation for the family too. Obviously the Grandad is and they have genuine reasons for curtailing the guest list. I can understand that they really will need to keep children to a minimum, the last thing he will need is squads of kids running around.

But I think the difficulty here is that some other people's children are not invited. These will be children who will presumably have known the grandparents since they were born and know them fairly well. As such I think that this creates a bit of a minefield for everybody, as DD has only been around for a couple of months, isn't blood related and has only met them a couple of times I think that politically it may cause problems with the other parents if she does go.

But inviting no kids at all would presumably exclude children who are very close to them and really should be there.

I think it's been handled really badly but I do feel sorry for the party organizers too, it's a difficult position to be put in bearing in mind the circumstances. To be honest if I was in this position I think I would recognize this difficulty and accept that on this one occasion it might be best if I could organize alternative childcare.

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 10:26:59

She is a child. How can it cause political issues?
There will be children there who live abroad so will presumably not be familiar to the GPs.
There is no difficulty in this situation. If you invite your children's/grandchildren's children you invite them all.

MinesAPintOfTea Sun 08-Sep-13 10:46:29

SeaSick we are talking about a single 8 year old here, who needs her foster family to make sure she feels happy and secure much more than a birth child would.

They should just grit their teeth and invite her, and keep the rule "great-grandchildren only". Its not that hard. Actually they shouldn't need to grit their teeth, they should realise its the gracious thing to do and do it with a smile.

CruCru Sun 08-Sep-13 10:55:24

I think you are going to have to decline the invitation. Send your GPs a gracious note to say that you are sorry to miss it but as there isn't room for DD, you aren't going to be able to come.

If you turn up with her, there may be some sort of scene or atmosphere - kids pick up on that shit quickly (particularly if they've had an insecure upbringing).

It's upsetting but not your party - therefore not really your problem if people are upset you can't come.

EduCated Sun 08-Sep-13 10:56:25

The only acceptable thing here is to treat the OP's DD as they would if she were the biological DD. Anything else is downright cruel.

Wonderstuff Sun 08-Sep-13 11:07:22

I disagree with you seasick. The child in the OPs care has been with her a substantial period of time and should be treated as her child.

I wouldnt just bring her, I would make moves to change the invite.

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 11:22:10

I think that the DD should have been invited. I agree that the party givers are in the wrong.
BUT I would be very careful about making this into a huge deal.

It needs to be sorted but it needs to be done carefully. Of course the natural reaction is be furious and show it.
But this little girl does NOT need to be in the middle of a family argument.
She has enough to cope with.

As much as the OP probably feels like telling them to stick it up their bums there is a long game to be played here.

That little girl should not have to ingratiate her way into this family and nor should she have to spend the rest of her life not going to family events in case she feels excluded in some way.

The adults need to talk together in a sensible way. OP needs to set out now that her little girl is here to stay and she needs to be treated as part of the family.

Give them the benefit of the doubt and explain very clearly what this non invite means and the affect it will have on the OP and her daughter.

Unless they are total wankers I suspect they will feel sorry they have done such a mean thing.

It would be awful if a big argument just set this child even further on the outside of the family.

ginslinger Sun 08-Sep-13 11:26:58

yes, Mrs DeVere talks sense. I think that much as I would want to go with my original suggestion it makes far more sense to do what Mrs D says.

BuntyPenfold Sun 08-Sep-13 11:54:22

MrsDeVere is very wise.

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 12:00:23

I am
0v0

grin

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 12:00:34

That was an owl by the way...

ginslinger Sun 08-Sep-13 12:03:54

You may be wise Mrs D but your owls need development grin

MinesAPintOfTea Sun 08-Sep-13 12:09:33

^ _ ^
( o o )
(..v..)
(......)
(.) (.)

^ Mrs DV (grin)

Blu Sun 08-Sep-13 12:15:41

MrsDV is 100% owl, and right.

And the child deserves and needs to be allowed her rightful place as the great grandchild of the gp. Seasick, can you really imagine telling the 8 year old, who has been through goodness knows what loss or rejection or other difficulties to be in this situation, that she isn't real family so is being left behind with a babysitter? While knoeing that all the other cousins will be there? Given that everyone will be around for Christmas?

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sun 08-Sep-13 12:27:20

I wouldn't be comfortable turning up with DD knowing she wasn't invited, I wouldn't put it past my aunt to kick up a fuss. I don't think she'd turn us away, but I can imagine her being fairly unpleasant, I can't put DD through that. My grandparents certainly wouldn't stand for it if they knew, the trouble is that it's a surprise party. If my grandparents knew they would do something about it, but then my aunt would know I'd ruined the surprise.

The party is being held at my aunt's house. Re the other children a lot of them are teenagers, I'm still not 100% on the other children invited but I think most of them are quite young, so maybe they're thinking only young children who won't be as comfortable being left with a babysitter. That said, my aunt knows enough about DD's history to be able to work out I wouldn't want to leave her with a babysitter at this stage either.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sun 08-Sep-13 12:34:47

My dad is going to phone my aunt (his sister) and try to talk her round.

Exactly MrsDeVerre, the last thing I want to do is make it all worse long term. But then I worry this is just the start of exclusion from family events- if the problem is that DD isn't considered 'close' family, how is she ever going to be if she's always excluded from family gatherings on that basis.

SeaSickSal OK, so let's say DD is my biological child, and was born in May rather than me being made her guardian in May. She would most likely have still only met my grandparents a couple of times because I live a few hours away, and most likely wouldn't have met my aunt and her family. Would it be OK to exclude her then because there were other children who had known my grandparents longer?

jessieagain Sun 08-Sep-13 12:48:26

Yanbu sad

You need to take a stand about it now. Hopefully your dad has some success and your aunt is reasonable.

She needs to be invited and accepted into your family as a great grandchild.

Is there any way you and your daughter could visit your grandparents (and other paternal relatives) before the party for introductions?

IrisWildthyme Sun 08-Sep-13 12:55:55

YANBU at all and I hope your dad is successful at talking your aunt around. I agree that anything less than wholehearted welcoming of your DD on the same basis as any other child of you or your siblings is the only acceptable solution. Turning up without her invitation confirmed, or being extended a grudging and reluctant permission to bring her, would not be good for your DD and she needs you more at the moment - if you, your dad and any other family members in your corner are unsuccessful you'll need to be far too busy (perhaps taking DD to Alton Towers or something similar) and unable to attend.

EduCated Sun 08-Sep-13 12:59:13

For some reason I had misread and thought DD was 2. I take back my 'just turn up' comment, it would be awful for her to pick up on any potential atmosphere that would cause.

SconeRhymesWithGone Sun 08-Sep-13 13:01:06

Would it help if someone (your dad maybe) pointed out to your aunt that your grandparents will be unhappy to learn, at the party or after the fact, why you did not attend and that knowing this would likely upset them and diminish their pleasure in the celebration?

How could anyone who calls them self a human be so cruel to a child that has been through so much? Utterly shameful.

DharmaLovesDraco Sun 08-Sep-13 13:15:13

But she's your daughter, biologically or not you can't get any more immediate sad

I actually can't believe that adults would treat a vulnerable child in this way.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sun 08-Sep-13 13:49:28

My brother's DD is almost 2, my DD is 8. It's highly likely I think that my aunt is going to tell my dad not inviting DD is no different than not inviting the other children angry She's not deliberately nasty, but can be quite thoughtless and hates admitting she's wrong.

Did I mention who's hosting Christmas this year? [despairs]

clam Sun 08-Sep-13 14:02:14

Well, she (your aunt) has a simple choice to make. You will not (cannot) attend without your dd, so unless she winds her neck in and remembers her manners and compassion and apologises invites her, your grandparents will be upset.

Her call.

and bollocks to playing Happy Families at Christmas.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Sep-13 14:39:18

OP, I think that your love, empathy and need to protect your FD are causing you to be a little insensitive to the feelings of the rest of your family.

She has been with you for 4months. That is a very short amount of time and while you see this as a permanent parental relationship, your aunt seems to be only aware of the temporary nature of fostering a child.sad She was wrong not to invite your DD, but you are also wrong to expect her to immediately accept her as a permanent family member at this early stage.

As MrsDeV has said, if you are in this for the long haul, you should play the long game. Invest time, patience and sensitivity in developing the relationship between your FD and the rest of your family. It will be much more beneficial than jumping down their throats because they haven't immediately loved her and accepted her as part of the family.

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 14:44:37

Don't panic yet.
It might just be your wattless Aunt causing this issue.

As you say, your GPs wouldn't put up with if they knew and I am pretty sure most people would think your Aunt is in the wrong.

She may be someone who you will never win over. So she has the power this time but she won't be in charge of all family gatherings will she? I hope not.

This is a crap situation for you. Lets hope your dad can talk sense into her.

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 14:58:01

Fine Owl BTW mines show off

grin

I hope your Dad can make her see the error of her ways.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 15:26:47

That is Shitty InVivenna, I bloody would not go. Do not let your family treat your dd like tat, I would cut them out if necessary. That is dreadful poor girl sad

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Sep-13 15:38:53

What would be accolished by taking an intransigent stance on this?

Certainly not a good long term strategy for the OP or her family. And definitely not good for this little girl who is 8years old whose life has been in turmoil for god knows how long and now finds herself in the middle of another shit storm at the hands of the adults around her.sad

OP, I understand your anger, but what your FD needs now is for you to be adult and show some consideration for the sensitivities of all involved here. There are much better ways of dealing with this situation than blankly refusing to attend. Your energies would be much better directed to creating an environment whereby your FD and your family get to know eachother and form a proper relationship.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 15:54:11

I would decline te invite, looks like your toxic aunt will throw a strop whatever happens, there is Noway your not going without dd.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 15:55:50

Than what should op do then. Turn up with her FD and incur her aunts wrath in front of her daughter, tats not healthy either!

QOD Sun 08-Sep-13 16:01:17

I'm sure we had almost the same situation last year? How did it turn out? Anyone remember
I do agree, you can't go if she's not welcome. Your aunt is a twerp

InViennaWeWerePoetry Sun 08-Sep-13 16:07:54

Dione so do you suggest I go without her? I can't and won't do that, DD and I will be staying at my parents, so that would involve leaving her with a strange babysitter in a strange house. DD has met my grandparents, and we are planning on visiting relatives, my aunt included, in October. I know know that my grandparents' great nephew, 10 months, is invited, even though my grandparents have never met him as his branch of the family live abroad. hmm

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Sep-13 16:09:21

The OP should do whatever needs to be done to establish a relationship between her FD and her family between now and the party and forever.

More visits and invitations so that the FD and the OP's family get to know and grow to love oneanother is the way forward. It is unrealistic to expect the family to love and accept as family, (what to them is) an 8yo stranger who may only be in their lives a short period of time. Fostering is something that requires a huge amount of sensitivity, patience and understanding (for the fosterers family as well as the foster child) if it is to be successful in the long term.

Issuing ultimatums is rarely beneficial when trying to form relationships of any kind.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Sep-13 16:16:40

OP, I absolutely do not suggest that you go without her. I suggest that you do everything you can to help your family and your FD establish a relationship between now and then. Even if they don't immediately accept her, they will get to know her and have more respect for your relationship with her and understand why you have to have her there.

At the minute what you are doing is backing yourself and them into a corner when you need to be bringing your FD and your family together.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 08-Sep-13 16:23:12

Dione, the OP's family doesn't need to love DD, but they absolutely do need to accept her as a member of their family whether they like it or not. I do understand that fostering and adoption can be a bit bewildering for wider family members who haven't been involved in the process, but bottom line is that they are as much a member of their family as if the OP had given birth to her.

The aunt is a grown up, this means the onus is on her, not the eight year old girl, to make an effort to include DD in family stuff.

I'm so glad my daughter's foster carers raised her as one of their family before she came to us. The idea that because she wasn't going to be with them permanently, therefore was somehow inferior to their other children, never occurred to them, thank goodness.

MrsDeVere Sun 08-Sep-13 16:27:41

OP in your situation I would not go if I could not take DD.
I think you are doing the right thing by getting your dad to investigate and talk to the aunt.

I agree with some of the pp's point but not all.

I certainly don't think you are being insensitive to the feelings of your family in any way. There is no hardship in involving and embracing a child into the family. There is no need to be mindful of adult's feelings and thoughts around you adopting your DD.

It is entirely up to them to be mindful of the feelings of your little girl.

I am hoping that your aunt is unclear as to the situation and has dismissed your DD in a thoughtless rather than a malicious way.

I hope it works out for you both.

Dione, why are you referring to the OP's DD as "FD"?

OP calls her DD and is clearly seeking a permanent mother/daughter relationship with her. I feel you are belittling that with the nature of your posts and your insistence on pointing out she is "just" a foster daughter.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Sep-13 16:55:38

Families, I am not suggesting for one minute that it is this child's responsibility to make this work. I am saying that it is the OP's responsibility to do what she can to facilitate FD's integration into the family.

I have worked with adoptive and foster parents and adults who have been adopted and fostered. What is extremely important is that the parents be realistic and sensitive to the child and to the wider family and work to solve the problems that arise instead of adopting an intransigent stance.

For many adopted/fostered children it is the failure of the adults around them to solve problems that has caused disruption and difficulties in their lives. It is absolutely necessary that they see that their new parent can deal with and solve problems that arise in order to help them feel secure in their new home.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 08-Sep-13 17:03:03

Unfortunately, Dione, so many children who are being fostered or who have been adopted have never had an adult fight their corner. And very often foster / adoptive parents have to be pretty tough skinned and sometimes even combative just to get equal treatment for our children, never mind preferential treatment.

The bottom line for me is that the OP has an eight year old who she considers to be her daughter and is hoping for this relationship to be legally recognised as such in due course, which means that the little girl is "close family". It is at best upsetting and at worst downright cruel to treat the OP's daughter as anything other than family.

I agree there's no need to go in all guns blazing before it's been established whether there was a simple oversight, but now it's clear that the OP's aunt has deliberately chosen to treat the DD differently, why shouldn't the OP be intransigent on the issue of who is to be invited to this party?

halfwayupthehill Sun 08-Sep-13 17:24:20

1. You can't go without dd.
2. You gps will be upset if you are not there.
3. It is their party and they probably would want dd there as well.
4. The too many kids argument is bollox.
So, I wd tell your aunt the above and say you will be calling gps directly to see how their feel about you and their greatgd not being there/call to let them know why you won't be there so they are not upset. You can't just not show up and if that spoils the surprise (and who springs suprises on ill elderly folk anyway?) too bad it is lesser of two evils. So your aunt can either back down or accept no surprise party.
Personally i wd just show up cos i can't believe she wd say anything but you know them best and don't want to do it.

SconeRhymesWithGone Sun 08-Sep-13 17:38:43

and who springs suprises on ill elderly folk anyway?

Don't mean to hijack but I had the same thought. If OP's grandfather has been too ill for a large party (so cutting back to selected family), how is a bunch of folk jumping out and yelling "surprise" a good idea?

Another thought; I have no idea about the aunt's personality, but maybe standing up to her will be the right thing to do as far as the "long game" is concerned.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Sep-13 17:52:57

Families, there is more than one way to fight. What I have suggested is more contact, communication and understanding. I have done so because such an approach has been shown to provide a better longterm outcome for all involved (be it adoption, fostering or step families). Most importantly it has shown to be most beneficial for the children in such situations.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 17:55:38

Dion the op dd should have automatically been invited relationships with family or not! A baby who aunt has never met has been. If this treatment continues and The Aunt treats op dd differently because of biology than tat is not acceptable, and op needs to cut ties with this person.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 18:01:16

Sounds a lot like this op experience. How far should you let relatives treat children like rubbish until you say enoughs enough. Dion should op of the thread here tried hard enough to forge a relationship when her mother was treating her adoptive so appealingly in comparison with her biological children hmm

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1620177-To-tell-my-mum-if-she-wont-get-for-1-DC--shouldnt-buy-anything-at-all

InVienna, what do your parents think about the situation? Would they be able to to talk to your aunt and explain that they too are upset about the non-invitation? If they are supporting you and your DD, then maybe ultimately the way to go is for everyone in your immediate family to decline the invitation and arrange your own celebration with your grandparents.

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 08-Sep-13 18:12:04

piglet, thanks for posting that link, I was just thinking about that thread and the similarities with the OP's situation.

Dione, so what do think OP should actually do now? She's been told that her DD is not considered close enough family to make the invite list for the party. Should OP spend the next few months hoping that the aunt will come to realise the error of her ways and magnanimously extend an invitation to DD? You're right that there needs to be more communication, and the relationship between DD and the wider family will take time to grow, but it needs to come from the starting point that DD is close family.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Sep-13 18:18:02

What I suggest Piglet is that the OP tries another approach that has been shown to be successful. It is still very early days. It may work, it may not, but at least she will have done all that she could. I am not suggesting that she allow this child to be "treated like rubbish".hmm.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 18:36:33

That was a very sad thread mrs, I still think about it nearly a year later and wonder if te mum has changed, though I doubt it!

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 18:37:22

Why do these icons keep appearing in posts anyone,

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 18:40:38

Exactly families, it comes as a basic acceptance. Op has told them of the situation and now junior Vienna is her dd so that should be accepted and relationships grow from there, but that is not happening here. These are adults they should know better. If I invite my friend to my wedding I also invite her dp even if I do not know him/her as a tater of basic coutesy

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 18:41:12

Matter doh

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 18:42:33

Yes if I were op I would take dd round to family to get to know each other, of course but no hesitation of cutting ties if they become toxic towards her!

Rowlers Sun 08-Sep-13 19:00:58

Op, here's my thoughts.
The party is for your grandparents - they would want DD there.
They would want you there too.
All your other family would want DD there too (I presume ...)
How necessary is it for DD to build a relationship with your aunt? I'm guessing you' 're not that fussed about that anymore.
Not sure why your aunt needs to be talked round. She needs to be told your DD is going and that everyone wants her there. Is everyone scared of this woman? Surely such an event is family affair and not just down to one person to make final decisions?
I also think DD should not know about this and this aunt needs to know she is behaving appallingly. How would she feel if she were the excluded one? Tell her. No pleading for a change of heart. DD goes. End of story.

McNewPants2013 Sun 08-Sep-13 19:37:43

If this was my family, the aunt would have her ass handed to her on a plate.

It's just plain nasty to exclude a child because the DNA doesn't match.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 19:51:25

I totally agree Rowlers dd is going end of! That is what Aunt needs to know, or grandparents are told if this. Bloody hell do not pander to that woman

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 19:52:55

It is all to do with biology, as a baby of a cousin is going, not on op not on.

MinesAPintOfTea Sun 08-Sep-13 20:19:55

Dione family ties are built to an extent by everyone being together at big family occasions (birthdays, weddings, christenings, funerals). Children are taken to these events partly to bring them into the family, how is the OP's DD supposed to feel part of an extended family that excludes her? And how are they supposed to feel she is family if she is never at family events?

OP I hope your father helped your aunt see sense.

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 20:44:53

My sil invited the whole family to a family occasion once. All her siblings and their children.

She didn't invite mine. They, apparently, aren't "real grandchildren" because they were adopted.

I refuse to have anything to do with her any more. Recently (now they are teenagers) I have told them why.

MrsDeVere is right. This needs to be sorted out between adults. If they don't change their stance, then you can't really go either. It would certainly not be ok for your brother to take his children and you to leave your dd at home. That would send a very bad message to her and to the wider family.

Get your brother on-side - if he refuses to go and bring his children if you and your child aren't invited, that could sort the issue.

Rowlers Sun 08-Sep-13 21:23:05

I don't think any of your family should go until this bloody woman apologises for being such a plank.

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 21:27:27

Yes Rowlers, that would solve it.

An email to everyone "I'm very upset that my aunt and uncle don't recognise that dd is my daughter" might help - but only if the family as a whole don't have a hang-up about blood being thicker than water hmm

Unfortunately for me, my sil's sister agrees with her.

Rowlers Sun 08-Sep-13 21:41:55

Wasn't't referring to your family Maryz.
Just what do your family think, Op?
Would they be cross on your behalf or would they share your Aunt's view?

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 21:52:10

No, your comments would apply to dh's family all right Rowlers grin. My hmm wasn't to you at all.

Many of dh's family are planks.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 22:03:22

Bloody hell Maryz that is disgraceful. There ar some twisted and sick people in the world. What do your children think of it all

Liara Sun 08-Sep-13 22:12:25

If they won't budge, i would happily send a message to your gps saying sorry you can't go to their party, but you cannot possibly leave your dd with babysitters at this stage.

And fuck their surprise.

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 22:15:30

My children now think it is funny, and refuse to have anything to do with dh's sisters.

Ironically she recently rang dh to complain that dd had rejected her as a friend on Facebook [baffled] Despite the fact that she has never, ever included dd in a family event.

People are strange.

bronya Sun 08-Sep-13 22:18:57

I think you simply apologize politely, and say you can't get childcare. True, and something others will probably have to do.

Yanbu

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 22:23:37

Good on your dd why should she be friends with your dh sister on Facebook, when she treats your dd like crap. Stupid woman!

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 22:26:43

Yup piglet. My dd has her head screwed on ok smile

CharityFunDay Sun 08-Sep-13 22:29:15

I'm in the 'brazen it out and take her' camp.

Because I believe your aunt won't dare say a word, and everyone else will be glad to meet dd and you'll end up having a good time.

Rowlers Sun 08-Sep-13 22:31:30

Maryz very sorry to hear your family story. You must be strong to deal with that shit!
I couldn't't personally just not go. I would have to confront this aunt. But I'm a balshy bugger not known for diplomacy and as such probably not the best person to listen to!

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 22:31:50

Exactly charity I would do the same, but tell your Aunt you both are coming, or grandparents will be told. Like a blackmail. You have to defend your dd

Maryz Sun 08-Sep-13 22:42:36

The trouble is that confrontation may not work. My sil genuinely doesn't realise why I was so upset about it all.

She seems to think that she didn't do anything wrong. She included all the children - the blood relative children that is - why would we be upset about ours? Honestly, I don't think she meant to be a bitch - though obviously she was.

She thinks i'm harbouring grudges for all sorts of other reasons. I think what she did was unforgivable so I don't intend to forgive her.

With the op, she needs to put her foot down now. Either change her families' minds, or not go. My children know I put them first, and if that means their family is slightly smaller than it would have been so be it.

pigletmania Sun 08-Sep-13 22:49:45

I totally agree Maryz, some peoples minds are so warped.

kiriwawa Sun 08-Sep-13 22:50:25

Either you and your DD go or neither of you do. And I agree that you and your brother need to present a united front. And your dad needs to tell your aunt that she is being Highly Offensive.

Anyway - this party isn't about her, it's about your grandparents.

I think a softly softly approach is not what's needed - your aunt needs a short sharp shock. If your parents and your brother and his family present a united front, she's going to realise that she's all kinds of wrong.

autumnkickingin Mon 09-Sep-13 07:41:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Mon 09-Sep-13 07:54:12

I wonder if the fact that it's a surprise is designed by the Aunt, so that she can make a point about your DD, OP?

What a nasty piece of work.

I think the path of least conflict is to attend WITH DD, and if challenged by the witch to put her firmly and squarely in her place.

It shows a défiance and backbone. It shows that you're as much a part of the family as she is. And so is you DD.

Then suggest that she apologise to you for being so utterly and spectacularly rude.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 08:06:19

I agree Miri and hissy, this behaviour should not be tolerated! If aunt is allowed to get her own way when throwing a strop it's going to set a president. Better to nip it in the bud now!

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 13:37:48

Havent read all the responses yet but an update: my dad has spoken to my aunt. Apparently in order to limit the numbers, they've cut it down to just family, no friends- DD falls into the friends group as she technically isn't family. Also it is being held at my aunt's house, which she says means she gets to choose who gets an invite. Aunt has, however, recommended an excellent babysitter, her stepdaughter, her husband's daughter from a previous relationship whom none of my family have met hmm. My dad is livid.

autumnkickingin Mon 09-Sep-13 13:50:00

How do your parents want to take it from here, OP?

Your aunt is indeed a Plank and not a very nice one.

friday16 Mon 09-Sep-13 13:51:20

Based on your latest update, don't go. And suggest that your father doesn't go either (if he's livid, it sounds like he might jump at the opportunity). The aunt sounds vile.

Lj8893 Mon 09-Sep-13 13:53:58

What I would do is get as many people as possible to not go and organise your own event, as its a surprise for your gps you can easily divert them to attend your event instead.

really not helpful and immature

KatyaRachmanova Mon 09-Sep-13 13:55:37

What a bitch.

I'll leave the advice to other, wiser, posters. Because I'd be on the war path ans make sure all of the rest of the family knew what a bitch she is being. Which is probably NOT the best course of action.

I feel like contacting her myself and having a word.

wishingchair Mon 09-Sep-13 13:57:06

I just wouldn't go but instead do as autumnkickingin suggests and make sure you see your GP on a much lower key basis.

The worst that could happen now is your aunt relents, you go, but then there are comments made and your DD gets the message loud and clear that they didn't really want her to be there.

wishingchair Mon 09-Sep-13 13:59:08

Have to say I am shock at these people who prioritise children based on blood ties. I've a friend with two children she gave birth to and two she long term fosters. It would never cross my mind to exclude the fostered two. Horrific.

BarbarianMum Mon 09-Sep-13 14:00:51

Just read the first few posts and then your update shock

WHAT A BITCH!

I'm sorry for your grandparents that their party is being turned from a nice family get together into a family war but honestly, how can your daughter not be family. And even if, deep down, that is how your aunt feels about it how dare she suggest she be treated this way.

Truly shocked.

AbiRoad Mon 09-Sep-13 14:02:01

Do you think your dad would be prepared to say to aunt that his side of the family will do something separate to celebrate with the GPs as aunt's party is not convenient because they have guests that weekend?

twistedtoffee Mon 09-Sep-13 14:04:02

Apart from her unacceptable reason for excluding your dd, why on earth is she being so stubborn and digging her heels in over one small child when she can see the upset her exclusion is causing.

I really wouldn't go and would take your GPs out for a meal or something instead to mark the occasion.

friday16 Mon 09-Sep-13 14:04:54

Do you think your dad would be prepared to say to aunt that his side of the family will do something separate to celebrate with the GPs as aunt's party is not convenient because they have guests that weekend her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and they are unwilling to collude with her in excluding your DD?

Fixed that for you The aunt's behaviour is genuinely appalling. There is no requirement for anyone to whitewash, cover up or enable her to make excuses.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 14:05:10

What a disgusting cow angry. I would not go, how dare she angry

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 14:06:00

She sounds like a nasty toxic woman which I would not like dd to be around

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 14:06:39

Ddvis family, did your dad not point that out to her

kiriwawa Mon 09-Sep-13 14:08:12

wishingchair - have a read of that link that pigletmania posted yesterday at 18:01. Truly shocking stuff sad

InVienna - I'm so sorry your aunt's being such a complete cow to your and your DD. What are you and your family going to do now?

Inertia Mon 09-Sep-13 14:08:23

Your aunt's behaviour is appalling.

I would be tempted to go and visit your grandparents- maybe with your own parents- and arrange to take them out to tea as a celebration. Tell them (out of DD's earshot) that you wanted to celebrate their anniversary at an event you were allowed to attend with their GGD. Stuff the surprise.

If she's so intransigent about DD's non-family status even after having it pointed out to her, I think I would just stop pushing for it tbh. She sounds quite capable of being vile to DD's face. It would be great if your parents and DB would boycott the party in protest, but perhaps you can't ask that of them for your GPs' sake. If you're staying with your parents anyway that weekend, perhaps you could arrange to go and see your GPs together the next day if they're not too tired after the party.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 14:10:20

Kiri that is a very sad thread, op Aunt sounds very like the mother of tatbopmon tat thread. Wonder what has happened to te family on tat thread

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 14:12:28

I totally agree inertia, mabey your dad, mum and you and your siblings and ALL kids organise something yourselves, and stuff toxic Aunt and her horrid party

wannaBe Mon 09-Sep-13 14:16:56

I would just turn up with your dd. seriously.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Mon 09-Sep-13 14:19:13

I agree that you can't really not mention the 'surprise' now. Your GP would be confused about why you wouldn't be there, and possibly hurt by that if you are actually in the area. Your aunt has pretty much forced this onto you as you can neither allow your DD to be so cruelly excluded, nor can you allow your GP to think you don't care enough not to attend, with your aunt possibly making up some BS to explain your absence.

I think you need to talk it over with your parents but you can't leave this with you simply not attending with nothing else said. If I was one of those invited, I'd want no part of excluding an 8 yr old on the fucked up logic your aunt has given. I don't know the numbers or how well you know the other people invited but I honestly think you need to speak out about this. Not in a 'look at how cruel aunt is' way but in a 'this is my DD, she is my family and therefore part of this family. If anyone chooses to exclude her, you exclude me and my family too. I will not subject my 8 yr old to adult insensitivity so I'd appreciate anyone who has a problem with my family, telling me, so I can protect my DD from cruel insensitivity from adults who seem to feel justified in excluding an 8 yr old child'

I've no idea if that's a reasonable suggestion or not, but if this was someone in my family, I'd want to let them know I support them, and will have no part in that cruel woman's agenda.

K8Middleton Mon 09-Sep-13 14:27:23

I literally gasped at the update. How dare she say your daughter is not family?!

I suggest holding the party on neutral territory like a church hall and inviting whoever the grandparents would want. Take this awful woman your aunt's power away.

MrsLouisTheroux Mon 09-Sep-13 14:27:49

Ok, so you absolutely do not go.

Write a letter to or phone your Grandparents after the event and say that you are devastated that you were unable to attend their party. Tell them that you couldn't go because your Aunt would not extend the invitation to your DD despite several requests from different members of your family.

If I were your father ( and this Aunt was my sister) I would also be telling her where to stick her invitation and to forget this sham of a 'party'.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 14:31:37

I agre Tension, I would telephone te grandparents and explain what has happened, fuck if you spoil your Aunties surprise, I would aso tell dad and get him to soak up, no good to be livid, it has to be out into action!

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 14:32:04

Speak up

MrsLouisTheroux Mon 09-Sep-13 14:32:33

Xpost- on second thoughts, as others have said: Tell your Aunt that you or your father will have to talk to your Grandparents about why you can't attend before the event. You can't just not turn up. Tell her that you are very sorry if it spoils the surprise.

friday16 Mon 09-Sep-13 14:34:43

I would just turn up with your dd. seriously.

Seriously, don't. The last thing that's needed for a child who has (presumably) experienced uncertainty and unease in their relationships is to be the focus of a major argument about their right to be in the room. That is highly unlikely to end well.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 14:37:02

I'm not going, nor are my parents and brother. Which means my mum's relatives who were invited won't be going, which makes a serious dent in my aunt's guest list grin Turning up definitely isn't an option in light of my aunt's recent comments about her getting to choose who comes to her house, I wouldn't put it past her to turn us away on the door. She seems to think the problem is finding a babysitter hmm

I had the same thought about the 'surprise' party, it does seem badly thought out. My parents' plan is to try and convince my aunt to tell my grandparents about the party, and then mention to them how DD has been excluded. Telling my grandparents and ruining the surprise without telling my aunt would piss her off well and truly.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 14:40:01

Tension that's a good point actually, it's not going to look good to my grandparents if their son's entire branch of family don't turn up, is it? Maybe it would be best to say something to them confused

Maryz Mon 09-Sep-13 14:40:51

So she has left out her own stepdaughter too shock

She really believes in blood being the only acceptable way of being a family.

She does know she should also leave out her own husband, your mum and your brother's wife as not being blood relations.

Are your mum's family still invited? The whole thing is bizarre.

Rowlers Mon 09-Sep-13 14:41:10

OP, this event should be a wonderfully happy celebration for your family and your aunt is turning it into a cesspit of sourness covered in shit.
Why should she get away with this behaviour? Seriously, K8 is right - the "power" needs to be removed from this daft bint.
I sense you will have more than just your dad as your ally.
Can you capitalise on this in any way?

Sounds like your aunt is going to try to pretend it's a babysitting issue rather than a her being a major bitch issue. I'm so glad your parents and DB support you.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 14:42:11

Tension that's a good point actually, it's not going to look good to my grandparents if their son's entire branch of family don't turn up, is it? Maybe it would be best to say something to them confused

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 14:43:05

Sorry, not quite sure what happened there blush

Maryz Mon 09-Sep-13 14:43:05

X-posted.

Good for you. And yes, do tell them. They probably won't go either grin

EllesAngel Mon 09-Sep-13 14:44:24

Telling my grandparents and ruining the surprise without telling my aunt would piss her off well and truly.

That's her problem not yours. I agree with those who say you should tell your grandparents before the event. Why should she be protected from the consequences of her vile, nasty behaviour.

Rowlers Mon 09-Sep-13 14:44:35

OK, you clearly do have an army now!!!
Your grandparents have been married for 50 years.
How lovely that you all wanted to celebrate.
I can't see them wanting to celebrate with half their family missing.
Can't your Aunt see that?
Very proud of your dad!

MrsLouisTheroux Mon 09-Sep-13 14:49:03

I'm so pleased your family are not accepting. It might be an idea for your Dad to tell his sister that he is going to have to explain the situation to his parents and that the whole event has been soured for you all. Also, no, even if your DD is suddenly included, you will not be coming.
Your poor Grandparents sad

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 14:55:28

Her stepdaughter is invited MaryZ, she doesn't want to go because her dad will be there, she and him had a massive fall out last year and haven't spoken since. She's still close with my aunt although hasn't met her family, she was around 13/14 when my aunt and uncle met I think and has always lived with her mum. For various reasons, even if I wasn't opposed to the idea of a babysitter I wouldn't feel comfortable with leaving DD with her.

K8 I love that suggestion- do you think we can outvote her? grin

Spaghettio Mon 09-Sep-13 14:56:46

As grandparents don't know about it, can't you ask to take them out? They have no plans..... grin that way you and your family (including dd) get to celebrate with them!

Rowlers Mon 09-Sep-13 14:57:59

Yes, outvote the caah. Church hall, church hall, church hall!!!

Maryz Mon 09-Sep-13 14:59:28

But she isn't a blood relative confused.

Nor are your mum's relatives.

So her "family only" party isn't only family.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 15:01:10

Good on you al, presenta united front. Serves your Aunt right for behaving so applealingly. I agree Maryz she even left her stepdaughter out, what a nasty piece of work. Why don't you all do something nice with your Grandparents to celebrate!

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 15:02:52

Op your Aunt gets worse and worse, wanting to leave out one poor little Chid who probably has been through a lot.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 15:04:35

I agree Maryz, it's a party for Aunt not her parents as her parents would have wanted op dd there. Good on everyone fr making a stand. Keep us updated on Aunts horrid behaviour

nickelbabe Mon 09-Sep-13 16:09:32

i agree with moving it to neutral territory.

hire the church hall.
tell everyone change of venue.
invite all the people that your grandparents love, including friends and all the family.

MrsLouisTheroux Mon 09-Sep-13 16:20:39

Yes to neutral venue:
"Aunt/ sister, there seems to be a problem with holding this party at your house due to space and numbers. I'm sure that you don't want to leave anyone out. We as a family (you, DD, mum, Dad, brother, mum's parents) can't see ourselves attending if DD isn't included. Perhaps we all need to rethink plans so as to not upset anyone?"

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Mon 09-Sep-13 16:32:17

How horrible.

I suggest you do it on somewhere neutral and arrange that everyone goes there and contact the other guests so they turn up there. I also am shocked she doesn't class her as family. Family isn't about blood, it's about spending time together and sticking together. If her version of blood was true, she'd put someone who is 15 years old she only met once above your DD who she has met a few times? That just seems wrong.

Besides, who would leave a child out? Say you did go, your DD would know she wasn't invited. Someone who could leave a child feeling like that is a complete asswipe and deserves to be ignored until she changes her behaviour, or you ignore her indefinitely. She sounds like a complete cock.

I wouldn't go to her little party anyway but organise your own. Otherwise, you'll have to talk to your grandparents. Wouldn't they be upset with your aunt for not inviting your DD? But it wouldn't matter after the event and things could blow up then. Better to defuse it now and have a good time on the day, not make it a big drama.

It's not even about your aunt anyway, it's about your grandparents celebrated an amazing amount of years being married to each other smile

Hissy Mon 09-Sep-13 17:15:59

Oh yes! Operation Shindig Kidnap is ON!

Do it. Do it, doitdoitdoit!

IrisWildthyme Mon 09-Sep-13 18:19:53

Completely agree that a neutral place for the party is a good idea. Your aunt is making it all about her own decisions about who is in or out of the family. It should be about your lovely grandparents and as many of their family as can make it.

AintNobodies said Family isn't about blood, it's about spending time together and sticking together this is very wise. It should be said multiple times until your aunt understands.

If she doesn't understand by the date of the party, then having half the family missing may help educate her.

SconeRhymesWithGone Mon 09-Sep-13 19:00:18

I think a surprise party for such a big milestone as a 50th wedding anniversary is just not a good idea anyway. Would they not be expecting some kind of celebration put on by close family and wondering why they have heard nothing? Also knowing about a party ahead of time extends the pleasure by being able to look forward to it and perhaps be consulted about the details, such as having a say in who you want there.

hackmum Mon 09-Sep-13 19:07:53

What a nightmare. This is the problem with having a surprise party - the person who the party's for doesn't get any say about who's invited, so they might well be upset about the DD not turning up anyway, even without the subsequent events.

Surprise parties are rarely a good idea anyway, imho - most people don't really like surprises. I once read a therapist who said, "A surprise is an act of aggression" and I think that's probably true.

It's also nice to be able to choose your outfit, have your hair done etc. Especially if there are going to be lots of photos.

reelingintheyears Mon 09-Sep-13 19:25:23

What a sad thread, as if one little girl would be any sort of problem.

Nasty old bag, chuck her.

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 19:49:57

MrsCakes my aunt is planning on telling my grandparents they're going out for dinner, I think, but I entirely agree with you. The whole thing is badly thought out IMO.

My mum phoned to tell my aunt she and my dad wouldn't be going and she's flipped, started shouting at my mum that "everything in this family revolves around Vienna" and she's sick of everyone reworking their plans around me. She plans to have a nice quiet family affair and she won't have it ruined by me trying to sabotage her party and bring a plus one hmm She has declined my dad's suggestion of hiring a venue on the grounds that she wants to keep it as low key as possible and wants a nice family atmosphere. plus she's just had her lounge extended and can't wait until Christmas to show it off.

"a nice family atmosphere" - without half the family? Is she always this thick?

desertgirl Mon 09-Sep-13 19:55:37

goodness Vienna she sounds crazy.... has there been any sign of lunacy in the past? am glad your immediate family are supporting you.

My GPs had a surprise golden wedding party which they did enjoy - they thought we were going out for dinner with them, actually lots of their friends, cousins etc were there... saved GM getting stressed about it in advance - but I can't see the point of having a surprise "quiet family affair"??

how did your mum leave it?

friday16 Mon 09-Sep-13 19:58:07

My parents, heading for their sixtieth wedding anniversary as it happens, have always made it clear that they would leave were a "surprise" party to be thrown for a birthday/anniversary/etc and I am inclined to agree. hackmum has it right: they're aggressive because they revolve around the power the giver has over the "lucky" recipient, and use the surprise or other humiliation of the recipient as part of the appeal. On the couple of occasions I've been invited to one I've refused, as I don't want to be part of it.

So I'm not totally surprised that someone organising a surprise party turns out to be a control-freak fuckwit in other ways.

How about trumping their party by taking them out somewhere fabulous for afternoon tea, with loads of family? The evil part of me hopes that they won't fancy going out for "dinner" afterwards and cancel, but the nice part of me thinks that it might be nicer for your grandparents than a heart attack inducing surprise party.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 20:15:44

Vienna slowly slowly your Aumt is loosing respect and dignity by her childish behaviour. She really doesent get it does she! Good on your mum and family, the way she is going she is going to have tat nice quiet family atmosphere!

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 20:17:51

Without te family

InViennaWeWerePoetry Mon 09-Sep-13 20:27:41

She threw a complete strop when my mum and I missed her wedding last year and she's never quite forgiven us, as it was apparently scheduled deliberately so it fitted with my work schedule, which can be quite hectic. I was ill at the time and couldn't have gone, with what my aunt claimed wasn't a real condition. We wrote it off at the time as a bad case of bridezillaism.

Afternoon tea with my grandparents sounds like a brilliant idea quietbatperson smile I'll suggest it.

pigletmania Mon 09-Sep-13 20:29:32

Good god your Aunt is a woman child, as she never grown up!

halfwayupthehill Mon 09-Sep-13 20:42:03

Actually i think now that the aunt's declaration that it's her house so she chooses the guests and the fact that two branches of the family are not going has meant she can't claim to be organising the party FOR the gps, she is just hosting a party in honour of the gps. Let her.
So, depending on the date of the anniversary, the date of the aunt's party and vienna and her family's availability i would organise a nice tea in a hotel, lots of notice, take gm to hairdressers first, photos, flowers, speeches. I would do it the week before the aunt party to avoid accusations of tiring gf out and i would keep it small so you can't be accused of a rival party. But you are getting in there first.

Just another thought, are there any tea dances held in your area? Your GPs might like that as they are likely to be of a generation that went in for that kind of thing, and you get dancing and afternoon tea thrown in together.

kiriwawa Mon 09-Sep-13 20:55:45

I think that sounds like a great idea halfway. I'm sorry your aunt is being such an utterly selfish loon Vienna but I'm so glad your family are supporting you and your DD 100%. Afternoon tea will be fab I'm sure

What a silly woman your aunt is. She sounds remarkably childish, as others have said

LovesBeingOnHoliday Mon 09-Sep-13 21:18:04

I'm so please your family is supporting you in tgis

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Mon 09-Sep-13 21:18:35

I like the afternoon tea idea too.

Interesting about the 'surprise party as an act of aggression' hackmum. It's an act of asserting control, I suppose. I know that my mum for one would not want a surprise party as she would want input into the guest list etc and would be mortified that she had not been able to choose her clothes with the knowledge that it was for exactly that occasion.

Rowlers Mon 09-Sep-13 21:21:59

You know the good news is though that this isn't actually so much about your DD being accepted.
It's much more about your aunt being a narc nutter.
Afternoon tea sounds splendid.

Pimpf Mon 09-Sep-13 21:49:09

Your aunt is an absolute loon. Seeing this, agree my earlier suggestion if turning up is completely wrong. She obviously cannot be reasoned with so I agree with others suggesting a lovely afternoon out, it would be a terrible shame if they were to fill up on a scrummybafternoon tea and be too tired to I out for dinner wink

Do you think its her petty revenge for you not making it to the wedding?

MrsLouisTheroux Tue 10-Sep-13 21:01:39

Have your family decided what to do OP?

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Wed 11-Sep-13 17:29:16

Rowlers is right. It's her way of gaining control and is nothing to do with your DD, in my opinion. It's almost quite likely like Keema says that she is trying to get back at you about the wedding because she thought you ruined everything for her. She's a narcissist and narcissists really can't see past their own noses.

The afternoon tea idea sounds absolutely lovely. I am sure your grandparents would love that too. Low key, not over the top and hopefully something that wont zap them of a lot of energy and yet remind them what a special occasion it is.

All in all though, I hope your grandparents have a wonderful day. How long is it going to be in?

Before MN I had never even heard of people acting so awfully to adopted children and their parents. I mean, I was aware of the "real mother" thing of course, but honestly, "they are not your real children"?!?!???!?!

My dad was adopted and thank goodness he never had any of this. Neither did DBro and I as "adopted grandchildren" or whatever. We were just grandchildren or cousins or whatever. As your DD should be.

I am appalled and outraged on your behalf OP and I hope you can manage a way through it. I am so glad your parents and your brother are being supportive.

2ndryschoolmum2010 Wed 11-Sep-13 18:15:35

I read this and thought it was going to be some pathetic "party politics" thread with someone getting in a huff over nothing - But damn - Your aunt is a royal c**t and I am sorry that you have to be stressed about something that should not even be an issue - I hope the rest of your family are more supportive and embracing of your DD!

2ndryschoolmum2010 Wed 11-Sep-13 18:16:37

I'm so so sooooo angry for you!

MairzyDoats Sun 15-Sep-13 17:27:03

Has your aunt backed down yet OP? I really hope so!

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