To not go on MIL's birthday day out?

(52 Posts)
HolaGuapo Sat 07-Sep-13 12:48:23

It's DP's mums birthday today. We're in the process of moving in together, we got our keys today so he's been moving everything in. I couldn't get the day off work so he's been doing it with his parents and my family.
I won't finish work till 6 and won't get home till 7, I've worked a 46 hour week and I'm 19 weeks pregnant. I'm exhausted.
His mum wants to go to the seaside tomorrow for her birthday. This will involve a 4 hour round trip and me being sat in the back squashed between DP and his sister. He won't take us in his own car as he doesn't want to pay the petrol money. I'm so uncomfortable sat down for a long period of time and I just want to spend my only day off this week sorting our new apartment out and unpacking everything. I don't want to spend it in a car for 4 hours and then having to listen to his mum and sister talk incessantly about the baby all day. AIBU to stay at home? He says I'm being rude and ungrateful.

youmeatsix Sat 07-Sep-13 12:50:47

he wont spend petrol money to ensure your comfort, and calls you rude & ungrateful? why are you moving in with him again??

Famzilla Sat 07-Sep-13 12:54:25

Ungrateful for what exactly? The thrill of being squashed in a car for 4 hours to get to the bloody seaside and be bored out of your mind all day? (I live at the seaside, nowt going in here).

Feign some delayed morning sickness or something. And remind your to respect the feelings of the woman he planned to have a baby with.

Toohottohandle Sat 07-Sep-13 12:57:37

Dont go

HolaGuapo Sat 07-Sep-13 12:58:42

Apparently I'm ungrateful because his mum has spent her birthday helping us move house...

Crumbledwalnuts Sat 07-Sep-13 13:00:37

He doesn't sound very nice. Your mother in law sounds lovely. Can't you suggest taking her out for high tea or something next weekend instead.

tripecity Sat 07-Sep-13 13:01:31

Absolutely dont go. I dont think you plan to anyway!

acer12 Sat 07-Sep-13 13:03:02

What crumble said

Famzilla Sat 07-Sep-13 13:03:57

Does he usually use guilt as a way to control you?

It's just a day. She didn't have to do it if she didn't want to. Just like you don't have to.

Fairyegg Sat 07-Sep-13 13:05:48

His parents have helped you move house, that probably wasn't their idea of fun either. You should go.

Viking1 Sat 07-Sep-13 13:06:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FannyMcNally Sat 07-Sep-13 13:06:38

What crumble said but speak to mil yourself. I wouldn't trust him to relay the message as you would like!

You should go - but in your car.

PoppyAmex Sat 07-Sep-13 13:11:56

"His parents have helped you move house, that probably wasn't their idea of fun either. You should go."

I agree, I'd go but only if we took our car.

RedHelenB Sat 07-Sep-13 13:13:39

I think you should go tbh.

maddening Sat 07-Sep-13 13:35:31

His parents helped their son and the mother of their grandchild move house - their son should go.

Yanbu

Whereisegg Sat 07-Sep-13 13:36:49

I think you should go too actually.
Pref in your car, but if that's def a no no, I would make noises about nausea and sitting in the front as a way to help with this.

I imagine her spending her birthday lugging your stuff into your new house really wasn't get idea of fun and don't disagree that you not going is rude and ungrateful, actually.

TempusFuckit Sat 07-Sep-13 13:37:51

Hmm. I can see why you don't want to go. It's a bit mean for you to end up with the worst seat in the car too - can't you at least get the front seat?

But I think you do have cause to be grateful, and the martyr brownie points you'll get from DP are worth more than a day to yourself.

Your ILs are about to start looming very large in your life. Best keep relations friendly for everyone's sanity.

Plus wouldn't you rather get the house in order with DP?

somersethouse Sat 07-Sep-13 13:38:58

I think you should go.

Inertia Sat 07-Sep-13 13:41:23

I think I would phone mil and explain that the position of the baby would make it too painful / uncomfortable for you to squash in the back of a car with 2 adults - perhaps she could persuade her son to drive ?

WifeofGru Sat 07-Sep-13 13:42:59

I think that you should go although it sounds very much like you have decided not to. Alternatively arrange a nice meal out with in laws and partner as a thankyou for their help with the move? You're setting a tone for the future on this one. MIL being interested in the baby is lovely. takes time and effort to build relations with ILs.

Squitten Sat 07-Sep-13 13:45:08

Why can't you sit in the front passenger seat...?

Lethologica Sat 07-Sep-13 13:46:16

Your DP should go andyou should stay home. I would phone your DPs Mum and explain and propose a brunch or whatever next week.

Alternatively I would insist on the front seat.

Cerisier Sat 07-Sep-13 13:47:21

I think DP is at fault here for being so petty about the petrol money. If you tire early out in the sun you will need the means to get home by yourself. You really won't want to be waiting on everyone else.

He must put you and the baby first, and I am sure his mother would understand if you had to leave early. Just knowing you have that option will make you feel better and you might last the whole day.

You can sort the flat out next weekend, but it would be nice to celebrate with MIL tomorrow especially as she has been so helpful today.

auntpetunia Sat 07-Sep-13 13:49:05

I agree with with every one else only go if you go in his car! And if I read it right your parents helped with the move so PIL didn't have to. Am really not liking the penny pinching re petrol and guilt tripping you just as you move in together, and whilst your pregnant! Not a good combination …

I think you should go too. Take a pillow for your back and sit in the front.

maras2 Sat 07-Sep-13 13:53:17

Whether you go or not,the fact that he won't give you a lift and accuses you of being ungrateful should set alarm bells ringing about this relationship.His family have been very kind to help you move but if I'd been working all week and was pregnant,no way on God's earth would I endure a long schlep to the seaside,squashed between 2 people in the back of a car.Mean men do not make good partners and he sounds very tight fisted and inconsiderate.

burberryqueen Sat 07-Sep-13 13:58:35

perrhaps go but you do need the front seat or your own car.

JRmumma Sat 07-Sep-13 14:01:12

I wouldn't go anywhere sat in the middle seat in the back of a car, pregnant or not pregnant. Why do you HAVE to sit there?

And doesn't want to pay for petrol? How is that more reasonable than you, the pregnant person, needing to rest? Its not. Put your foot down.

sue52 Sat 07-Sep-13 14:05:04

You should go but only if your DP stops being silly about taking his car. If he refuses (a bit of a red flag if he does), call your MIL and give morning/travel sickness as an excuse.

BrianButterfield Sat 07-Sep-13 14:07:24

I always end up in the middle seat as i am quite small but I put my foot down when pregnant and insist on the front seat.

MortifiedAdams Sat 07-Sep-13 14:09:42

Do you drive? Just get in your car and follow them.

pianodoodle Sat 07-Sep-13 14:26:29

Ouch sad

I bet your MIL would understand even if your partner doesn't.

What someone else said about the sickness might be worth doing though. I'm 24 weeks now and still felt sick up to 20 so it isn't impossible. Some people feel sick for 9 months!

Aniseeda Sat 07-Sep-13 14:58:23

I get travel sick at the best of times (multiplied when pregnant) so I really couldn't manage 2 hours in the back seat. Yanbu.

I would ring his mum and explain you can't go as you can't manage the journey but wish her a lovely day and invite her round for a meal once you have the house straight.

2rebecca Sat 07-Sep-13 15:59:33

If you work then why can't you use your money to pay for the fuel? Surely that sort of thing should be a joint decision. I'd only go in a car with other people if i get a front seat, otherwise I'd be driving the car, or saying I feel unwell.
Your partner is sounding controlling though. He sees financial decisions that affect both of you as his decisions not joint ones and he's manipulating you with guilt. Not a good start.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Sat 07-Sep-13 16:11:54

A day out at the seaside squashed in the back of your in-laws car?

Do you live in a Carry On film?

I'd be planning to saw off a limb.

Enjoy your pottering about, and buy her something lovely for helping you move.

Footface Sat 07-Sep-13 17:18:32

What would you do if it was your mum?

Go but in your car

Hope you have a boy!

laeiou Sat 07-Sep-13 17:42:02

Tell your dp that you can only go if you travel in his car. You need the ability to leave and return on your own timescale, and need comfort. The idea that you should take the last comfortable seat in a car is awful.

Have this conversation before unpacking your bags. People only treat you as badly as you allow them to.

ll31 Sat 07-Sep-13 17:58:57

She's spent the day helping you, I think you dshould go

somersethouse Sat 07-Sep-13 19:25:48

BTW, if there is any chance you are talking about a Spanish family, in Spain, you will not be forgiven for not going and your MIL will be invaluable to you in the future. She has just been really helpful to you.

Just going from your posting name re the Spain thing, so sorry if I am wrong, if I am right you basically HAVE to go! I speak from experience.
Also not quite understanding why you know you are in the worst seat of the car!

CharityFunDay Sat 07-Sep-13 19:31:25

Only you know how much you can take. Ignore your DH, he's probably just stressed what with the move and everything.

Do something one-on-one with MIL on Sunday (assuming you get on with her in the first place) -- perhaps a big Sunday dinner with DH? -- or get her a birthday present AND a thank you present. She's been pregnant herself, I'm sure she'll understand.

CharityFunDay Sat 07-Sep-13 19:32:03

Drat, it's Saturday today isn't it? So the day out is tomorrow (Sunday). Ignore refs to Sunday in my last.

Therealamandaclarke Sat 07-Sep-13 20:28:25

I think you should base your decision making on what ou would do f it were YOUR mother who had helped you move and now wants a birthday day out.
I wouldn't be sitting in the middle back seat though.
I can't imagine my DH not taking his own car. If he really can't afford the petrol he needs to swap seats with you at the very least.

mameulah Sat 07-Sep-13 20:32:39

Absolutely, definitely DO NOT go!

LadyStark Sat 07-Sep-13 20:41:30

Why can't your DP take the middle seat? Hopefully you'd be less squashed on an outer seat.

Just a thought....

Does the back middle seat only have a lap belt? If so its not safe to sit in it when pregnant as in the event of a crash your baby would be at increased risk compared to a standard seat belt. So that is an 'out' for you if your dp won't take his car or you can't sit in a different position.

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 07-Sep-13 20:57:48

Two hours there and two hours back is about 100 miles - just under half a tank of petrol in my car - about £25. How skint are you as a couple OP?

HolaGuapo Sun 08-Sep-13 08:27:31

No I'm not Spanish, I namechanged a while ago and keep forgetting to put it back to my normal name. Oops!
I have said I will go, as long as we go in our own car. I don't drive so it's the only option DP has. We're not that skint that we can't afford petrol for a day out, he's just a bit tight about paying loads for petrol in general.

Therealamandaclarke Sun 08-Sep-13 09:41:29

I think your issue is with your DP tbh.
There's a difference between being worried about money and being tight IMHO.
Why are you so convinced you'll be expected to sit in the middle seat?
I can't imagine anyone I know expecting that of a pg woman.

Therealamandaclarke Sun 08-Sep-13 09:45:51

I'm torn (seriously need to be less concerned about other ppl's issues)

On the one hand, I think MILs get a tough time of it.
On the other, I really can't be doing with the idea of taking up everyone's entire Sunday, sitting in motorway traffic, for a birthday.
Maybe it will rain.

TempusFuckit Sun 08-Sep-13 19:13:22

So did you go OP? And if so, how?

Retroformica Sun 08-Sep-13 20:47:41

I would tell your mil you feel exhausted and rough. Ask if you could treat her to a special meal another day to say thank you and happy birthday instead. I'd talk directly to her any bypass DH. He has no idea what it's like to be preggers.

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