Mumsnet jury - 18 minutes to make judgement

(40 Posts)
laicepsgnileeF Sat 07-Sep-13 08:43:53

17 year old dd has started at a new school.

She came home last night in a foul mood - combination of tired after first week and time of the month.

I asked her if there was anything on this weekend she said there was hockey. I asked what time so that I knew what time we would have to take her, both our house and the playing fields are remote and an hour apart.

She said she didn't know what time it was, and I pointed out that didn't help much. Suggested she found out what time it was. She then refused to talk to me for the rest of the night.

I have found the time of the hockey, and she did say good morning this morning. Do I a) stick with my plan last night of she's 17 she has to take responsibility or b) give her a break (as usual) and let her know when hockey is?

Due to travelling time and getting ready I will have to let her know at 9am if she is doing so.

Seventeen? Her problem.

lougle Sat 07-Sep-13 08:45:16

Tell her. Be kind.

Bakingtins Sat 07-Sep-13 08:45:57

If she misses the first one is that her chance of making the team this year gone or if she got her act together next week would that be ok?

MadeOfStarDust Sat 07-Sep-13 08:46:06

yep - her problem.. but remind her to find out...

Celadorthepinksequineddragon Sat 07-Sep-13 08:46:11

I'd tell her but make it clear it's fully her responsibility from now on. Nice weather for hockey!

Tell her, I dont see why you wouldn't. Would you rather have her been sulky in house or been out? grin

Tbh my mum would have left me to find out.

Nora2012 Sat 07-Sep-13 08:46:29

Tell her, mums always come to the rescue. It may take until she has children if her own to realise it, but she will.

cq Sat 07-Sep-13 08:47:04

New school, first week - I'd cut her some slack.

But make it clear that after this week, it's her responsibility and if she lets the team down she'll find it harder to make friends.

Seabright Sat 07-Sep-13 08:47:46

Ask her if she has found out the time. Decide what to do depending on how civil/sensible her answer is

NomDeClavier Sat 07-Sep-13 08:48:19

Tell her that you'll need to leave at 9 if she wants to go. If it's something she wants to do but is a bit nervous/feeling grotty she may not take it well if she finds out you knew and didn't say. Starting a new sixth form isn't easy and this might help her settle in faster.

17?! I had dd, a job and a house by that age.

thegoldenfool Sat 07-Sep-13 08:48:40

I would normally let her take the consequences of her actions and not tell her

at 17 she is most of the way to being an adult and this is soft way to learn

but i see that she is in a new school so perhaps scared, lonely and defensive so let her know this time (but start letting he learn the hard way soon . . .)

waikikamookau Sat 07-Sep-13 08:48:42

give her a break,

PrincessKildare Sat 07-Sep-13 08:48:49

I want to say she's 17 its her problem. BUT, I'd tell her. I have same issue with my son and Rugby every Saturday.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 07-Sep-13 08:50:04

Depends, what are consequences if she misses it?

Doesn't have a fun day with friends?
Misses her chance to be on the team for the year?

Tbh I would wake her but it very much depends of your strategy so far

Have you already said half a hundred times you won't do it next time, because that would be a definite no smile

applebread Sat 07-Sep-13 08:50:40

Tell her. Kindness breeds kindness. It's a new school year so there's a bit of slack needed.

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue Sat 07-Sep-13 08:51:03

Give her a break. We can all remember being that age can't we?

Chippednailvarnish Sat 07-Sep-13 08:52:39

Refused to talk to you?! She sounds like she needs a rude awakening.

Clobbered Sat 07-Sep-13 08:53:27

How badly does she want to go to hockey? Is being flaky her way of getting out of it?
I'd be inclined not to mention it - you did your best to rescue her last night, no? At 17, an evening of sulking and not talking to your mother has consequences.
Disclaimer - I am a grumpy bitch on Saturday mornings. I don't take to getting out of bed well, and I certainly wouldn't chase up an early activity for a moody teen!!

ShirleyFuckingKnot Sat 07-Sep-13 08:54:16

Nope. At 17 it's time to start letting go. This is the hardest part of parenting IMO, but it's about pushing them out of the nest.

Yama Sat 07-Sep-13 08:54:42

Thinking back, my Mum would have told me if she had known. However, she would not have been proactive about finding out the time.

So, I'm on the fence.

laicepsgnileeF Sat 07-Sep-13 08:56:32

Right - she's currently subdued, has said she can't find out the time for the hockey. She's playing hockey and netball outside of school on Sunday, and has told me what time she needs to be there and where and when she'll be home etc (she's showing that she can find out times).

Do I show her where I found school times, say there's the school times I'm showing you today, but the rest of the year it's your responsibility to tell me?

mrscog Sat 07-Sep-13 08:56:43

I would ask her if she found out, as you need to make plans give 5 her a deadline of 9.15 to let you know, See how she responds. When I was 17 I had 3 part time jobs, music hobbies and 4 A Levels on, my Mum didn't even know my schedule!

laicepsgnileeF Sat 07-Sep-13 08:58:00

I'm not sure (because new school and I don't know the way the team works) whether or not being there blows the chance for the rest of the year.

mrscog Sat 07-Sep-13 08:58:43

Cross posted. It sounds to me like she doesn't want to go, is she backing out so that she can have more time for studying etc this year? I would give her the opportunity to back out, if she says she does want to go I'd show her where you found the times then devolve responsibility for the rest of the year.

pinkandpurplesparkle Sat 07-Sep-13 08:59:01

Does she actually want to go to hockey - or do you think she'd prefer to miss it and chill out? smile

lucidlady Sat 07-Sep-13 08:59:07

Tell her

Dancergirl Sat 07-Sep-13 08:59:10

Be kind, tell her. If it was your dh or a friend you'd tell them wouldn't you??

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Sat 07-Sep-13 09:00:00

Yeah, in that case I would tell her.

applebread Sat 07-Sep-13 09:00:14

Tell her!

Fairylea Sat 07-Sep-13 09:02:10

Does she even want to go? She doesn't sound enthusiastic. Ask her what she'd like to do today... let her decide.

Starting a new school at that age is really, really difficult.

DearPrudence Sat 07-Sep-13 09:02:38

I would tell her.

laicepsgnileeF Sat 07-Sep-13 09:03:30

Ok - thought you lot were meant to be a list of vipers - just not where the kids are concerned yeah?!? grin

I will show her the website, I will lead her to apologising, if she apologises I will take her, if not then at least she knows where it is for future events!

ExcuseTypos Sat 07-Sep-13 09:09:12

Surely a 'thank you mum, for finding the hockey times' would suffice? smile

littlemisswise Sat 07-Sep-13 09:14:04

FGS just tell her! I really don't understand this sort of attitude some parent's have! What do you gain from it?

I have an almost 17yo, if it were him I would just tell him. He'd say "cheers mum" and off we'd go!

Dawndonnaagain Sat 07-Sep-13 10:44:10

Please just sort it. Your post has had me all tensed up and taken me back over thirty years. I needed leading and telling when I was young. My Mum wouldn't do it. She'd find out the times and then tell me that because I'd done such and such I couldn't go to swimming or hockey at such and such a time because I'd been such a bitch. Admittedly we now know my Mother's a narc and would use every opportunity available to put me down, hit me, make me in the wrong, but I would have killed (still would) for a Mum to have put her arms round me and say Sorry you had a rotten day yesterday, I've sorted out the times for you, what would you like to do?

laicepsgnileeF Sat 07-Sep-13 11:18:02

Maybe we fuel the attitude off each other, but if my daughter last night had said I can't find the time any ideas or anything reasonable, rather than being rude and arsey (bearing in mind whilst she was being rude and arsey I was still looking for the times I hadn't just washed my hands of it), I would have given her the time straight off.

But you will be pleased to know I have deposited the grumpy sod delightful child at hockey, and if I am inclined at the time I may also pick her up again too!!! smile

Mindmaps Sat 07-Sep-13 11:32:44

I find all this @17 I was .......very bizarre, we are all different and surely we should parent to the child and the need not some imaginary mumsnet conglomeration of I had a house, baby and job(very aspirational ? ) to I had 14 jobs, was found a music degree and only told my mother my flight times.

Dancergirl Sat 07-Sep-13 20:00:17

I agree littlemisswise it's making an issue over nothing!

I think some people are so keen to encourage them to be independent, they forget simple acts of kindness.

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