to think if this isn't an act of treason, it bloody well should be?

(66 Posts)
WestieMamma Fri 06-Sep-13 22:36:53

I don't live in the UK.

Recently a new cafe/restaurant has opened up near me. A British one! We decided to go there for a treat today. I ordered a Devonshire (hmm) cream tea and WestiePappa wanted fish'n'chips.

My cream tea came with Swedish tea (I think Lipton's collect used teabags in England, dry them and then resell them in Sweden), 2 nice looking scones, strawberry jam and ... wait for it ... SQUIRTY CREAM! That's right, bloody squirty cream. A complete abomination in Britain name.

The fish and chips involved French fries and what appeared to be a giant fish shaped budget fish finger. The forrin waiter tried to convince us that it wasn't what we were expecting because it was haddock and us being Brits are used to cod hmm. The British owner came out, realised immediately that this betrayal of her country was up, was very embarassed and gave us back our money.

Bring back hanging I say.

TylerHopkins Fri 06-Sep-13 22:38:32

shock disgraceful.


bumpybecky Fri 06-Sep-13 22:38:54


CharityFunDay Fri 06-Sep-13 22:39:53

Firebomb them without delay.

runningonwillpower Fri 06-Sep-13 22:40:26

Hanging's too good for them.

Castrate the lot of them.

Smoorikins Fri 06-Sep-13 22:40:33

Some of 'us Brits' much prefer haddock to cod. There isn't much demand for cod in chip shops hereabouts!

Other than that - YANBITSBU

(you are not being in the slightest bit unreasonable)

AmpullaOfVater Fri 06-Sep-13 22:41:10


Oh dear. I also live abroad and I can just imagine your disappointment.

Is it that hard to find cream in Sweden?

marzipanned Fri 06-Sep-13 22:41:26

I am disturbed to report that the squirty cream abomination has happened to me IN THE UK.

Doodledumdums Fri 06-Sep-13 22:41:52

Good god...have you told the Queen yet? I suggest you do post haste. Action must be taken!!

AlpacaPicnic Fri 06-Sep-13 22:43:35

Squirts cream? Like....from a can?

::clutches pearls::

That is sooooo wrong...

This is utterly dreadful!

For just £2 a month we could keep you in proper PGtips, £2 a month will buy this poor expat family a tub of Rhoddas, some WI jam. £2 a moth will supply some chips and curry sauce with mushy peas in a polystyrene cup on the side. sad

Now make us jealous and talk about herring

SaggyOldClothCatPuss Fri 06-Sep-13 22:44:25

STRAWBERRY JAM?? shock shock shock shock shock shock shock
Bloody forriners!

Actually, westie I am so disturbed that I will send you PGtips , if you Pm me your address.

I don't think I will sleep well tonight

DevonCiderPunk Fri 06-Sep-13 22:46:12

Squirty cream?!


That is not remotely proper job.

WestieMamma Fri 06-Sep-13 22:46:46
SeaSickSal Fri 06-Sep-13 22:48:44

Military strikes. Boots on the ground everything.

If we don't strike now they will be selling chilled bitter next.

LookingForwardToSalmon Fri 06-Sep-13 22:48:54

There are no words for what should be done to those bastards!

Next they will be serving it with marg instead of butter!

The worlds gorn mad!!!


queenofdrama Fri 06-Sep-13 22:50:36

A starving child in the developing world (or here in poverty stricken UK) would happily eat what you've described. I personally don't mind drinking water, squirty cream & paddock, but then again I'm not British. (Thank f n god)

Pixel Fri 06-Sep-13 22:50:38

We have been on the receiving end of the squirty cream abomination in England so that now we ask what the cream is before we order. If squirty cream we beat a hasty retreat.

DevonCiderPunk Fri 06-Sep-13 23:03:16

Squirty cream is all right on a knickerbocker glory, a hot chocolate or a banana split, but it must not touch baked goods.

Straight into the gob from the can is fine, too. But not on a scone.

LegoDragon Fri 06-Sep-13 23:30:37

Shocking shock

And I can relate to the herring. <shudders> (Pickled herring is disgusting for me. And surströmming stuff. DH is Swedish and we lived there for a bit and then we moved to a place which also lived on herring).

Round here, food is either muskox (ugh) or herring. You get muskox and chips at the 'British' pub and tea is also scented herbal stuff which the owner admits is from Italy confused

Could be worse........................could be Dream Topping grin

Grumpywino Fri 06-Sep-13 23:35:58

A care package must be delivered at once. Clotted cream and PG Tips to be delivered by emergency helicopter! Don't even consider a bacon buttie till the drop has been made.

Elsiequadrille Fri 06-Sep-13 23:40:52

Yuk to squirty cream.

theolddragon01876 Fri 06-Sep-13 23:41:53

HI Im dragon and my DC's eat squirty cream blush

I have obviously failed as a mother,squirty cream is a "treat" ( Ive bought it twice in 8 years ) They all stand in the kitchen and squirt it straight into their mouth blush

They are actually forrin and influenced by their peers obviously but omg the shame

tries not to mention the GRAPE jelly/jam

Growlithe Fri 06-Sep-13 23:41:57

You can't be truly British if you complained. grin

MichaelBubleBath Fri 06-Sep-13 23:42:43

That's okay - i had 'Shepherd's pie' served cold, no gravy in or on it with a piece of cucumber and tomato...confused

I've just remembered something hideous from the 1970/early 80s (thanks for ressurecting this memory) grin

A tub, flat, beige with a lid.
Frozen.. Full of a creamy, whipped topping.
You scoop what you need like ice-cream.

<<can't remember the name and don't want to>>

FreudiansSlipper Fri 06-Sep-13 23:45:34

Shocked, appalled and outraged angry

If it was dream topping it would have been slightly better as that I think is an English delicacy

FredFredGeorge Sat 07-Sep-13 00:10:15

I've found clotted cream pretty difficult to get outside of the UK, but far from impossible. Substituting whipped double or something though would at least be a reasonable substitute if you really couldn't get it.

Ethnic restaurants don't have to be faithful to the original cuisine, adapting to local tastes is fine, so YABU though...

SomethingOnce Sat 07-Sep-13 00:15:52

Off with their heads!

Mrsdavidcaruso Sat 07-Sep-13 01:00:03

I had that in the UK on the Isle of Wight where I live, ordered a cream tea when it came the jam was in one of those plastic container thingies and it was FRENCH Jam.

I was livid actually demanded my money back. I am local but the place catered for a lot of tourists and if they cant even sell English jam then they are selling tourists short IMO.

Mind you have I also embarrass my DH in the local supermarket
if i cant find English Tomatoes or English cherries (when in season) and I have a right go at the fruit and veg manager

And don't get me started on the lack of British Bacon

Amy106 Sat 07-Sep-13 01:12:38

Where's the PG Tips monkey when you need him? smile

kmc1111 Sat 07-Sep-13 04:00:14

Ha, I end up with cream from a tin in the UK more often than not, and getting actual clotted cream instead of double whip is practically a miracle. And I don't eat fish but DC's and my friends often get what amounts to an over-sized fish finger plus shoestring fries when they order fish and chips. The place may actually be perfectly authentic if the goal was to replicate a shitty British cafe. I've always had much better luck with Devonshire tea in Australia.

AdoraBell Sat 07-Sep-13 04:04:43

I've had a cream tea in England that was served with squirty cream shock and angry, it's just not right.

daisychain01 Sat 07-Sep-13 06:01:48

I had the appauling experience of ordering a cappuchino and it arrived topped with that goddawful shaving foam squirty revolting cream on top. Vile stuff!

Was so incandescent with rage at that abomination, i sent it back and told them it was against the Trades Descriptions Act.

<hoiks up boobs like Les Dawson >

CharityFunDay Sat 07-Sep-13 06:06:51

I wonder what the OP's café is like on full English breakfasts? They probably serve it with frankfurters instead of sausages, the US abomination that is hash browns, and baked beans (which have no place at the breakfast table).

OP, you must try their FEB and report back.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Sat 07-Sep-13 06:22:09

I understand that squirty cream is acceptable in some contexts (squirting directly into mouth/onto body etc), but a cream tea is definitely not one of them.

Devon Cream Tea should have protected designation of origin status to prevent such abominations.

The thought of what they might have done to a full English breakfast or a pasty is also worrying me.

PseudoBadger Sat 07-Sep-13 06:23:32

Wow LegoDragon I've just seen where you live! I think I'm jealous but also in awe....

We've had squirty cream on Irish Coffee! And my worst squirty cream story is when DP bought some to put on pancakes a couple of months ago. He didn't realise it goes off (wtf?) and went to use it last week. It was green <boak> and smelt about as good as that fish grin

FeijoaVodkaLovesHokeyPokey Sat 07-Sep-13 06:27:18

You stop pretending a small hairy fruit is a small flightless bird and we'll stop the squirty cream subterfuge imports

CharityFunDay Sat 07-Sep-13 06:33:12

I still call them 'Chinese Gooseberries' (70s upbringing)

Hot chocolate is an acceptable outlet for squirty cream, cream tea is definitely not. YANBU.

solveproblem Sat 07-Sep-13 06:37:59

I'm Swedish (living in England) and quite pleased to have escaped the herring!

But the clotted cream, don't you just whip the cream a bit longer til it turns butter like? (Don't flame me, this is not something I've attempted but always assumed to be the case.)

sashh Sat 07-Sep-13 06:43:11

NorksAreMessy LOL. I actually did LOL.

I have Twinings in the cupboard, is that acceptable? Can it be added to the food parcel?

Yanbu, but yabu for making me crave scones, cream & jamgrin

FeijoaVodkaLovesHokeyPokey Sat 07-Sep-13 07:01:30

Solve clotted cream is clotted over hot water in a pan. At the end of the process the clots are lifted out with a big spoon and wedged into little containers ready for application to scones with jam.

If you beat cream until it is butter like, it is butter grin

winklewoman Sat 07-Sep-13 07:26:53

We always have a couple of cans of squirty cream in the house as the cat loves it. It's just known as cat cream here. He prefers the Lidl full fat one not the light. Fussy cat.

Charleymouse Sat 07-Sep-13 07:54:01

I will assess your unreasonableness if you tell me which order you would apply the ingredients to your scone.

I used to work in a pub that served hundreds of Irish coffees. To make it easier look nicer it was cream that was squirted. Not squirty cream. We had 4 litre cartons of fresh cream that we put in a soda dispenser, added a gas canister then squirted liberally. If it was this then it is still very wrong as not clotted cream. BUT if was Anchor squirty additive with sugar etc cream then yes, treason deffo.

daisychain01 Sat 07-Sep-13 08:36:45

Apparently cream teas are good in places like Tasmania and NZ where there are damn fine red blooded Brits who wouldnt be seen dead next to a can of squirty cream.

Smoorikins Sat 07-Sep-13 08:36:48

What has herring got to do with it? You got haddock, not herring.

Haddock - white fish, less prone to worms than cod, hence (Imo and the general consensus where I live, which is a fishing community) superior to cod.

Herring - oily fish, commonly used to make kippers.

WestieMamma Sat 07-Sep-13 09:09:17

We didn't get haddock, we got compressed white fish flakes of no fixed identity. The 'haddock' line was a pathetic attempt to pull the wool over our eyes. The locals here wouldn't know haddock if it came up and bit them on the arse, the waiter assumed (wrongly) that being Brits we wouldn't know either.

WestieMamma Sat 07-Sep-13 09:10:03

OP, you must try their FEB and report back.

I can't. I'm not strong enough. I'm still too traumatised by the squirty cream.

WestieMamma Sat 07-Sep-13 09:11:45

I will assess your unreasonableness if you tell me which order you would apply the ingredients to your scone.

I do it the right way: butter, jam then cream. wink

kim147 Sat 07-Sep-13 09:14:20

Liptons seems to have cornered the market in tea abroad.

I remember going to an English themed pub in the US during the World cup. Full of flags, a phone box, some beers and a good recreation. I asked them if they were showing the World Cup football.

Got a strange look.

Rufus43 Sat 07-Sep-13 09:17:44

I am happy to sign a petition and march on the Swedish embassy!

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Sat 07-Sep-13 10:42:24

Westie the right way for a Devon cream tea is scone, clotted cream then jam. Jam then cream is Cornish.

WestieMamma Sat 07-Sep-13 14:22:22

I'm from Birkenhead. There's only one place beyond Birmingham, it's called Down South. It's all the same to me wink

PresidentServalan Sat 07-Sep-13 14:33:07

That's terrible! Squirty cream has its place in society but with a cream tea it must be clotted cream! How awful for you, I am with the pp who suggested care packages to be sent to you!

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 07-Sep-13 14:47:44

Westie, have you contacted the Embassey? I am outraged on your behalf, this is a Diplomatic Incident.angry

Proper Devon cream teas aren't made with scones at all, it should be a Devonshire split, also known as a Chudleigh, which is made with yeast. Scones are easier to make, so they have invaded tea-time like knotweed.

Blackberrybakewell Sat 07-Sep-13 15:26:24

If you're in southern Sweden get thee over the water to Copenhagen, I was an expat there and was delighted that the local British shop (Abigails) sells clotted cream in the freezer section. Bloody expensive but worth it for a hit every now and again!

Onesleeptillwembley Sat 07-Sep-13 15:31:02

Haddock is the preferred fish here, not much call for cod (Urgh).

SoThisIsHowYouNameChange Sat 07-Sep-13 15:36:14

I can understand your horror. The disgraceful attempts at American dishes over here are similarly bad.

FeijoaVodkaLovesHokeyPokey Sat 07-Sep-13 18:14:10

<ponders making her fortune developing clotted cream in a squirty can>

Charleymouse Sun 08-Sep-13 01:12:11

Westie of course you do it the same as me right order.
Definitely treason then.
<strokes brow comfortingly> offers Yorkshire tea for the shock.

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