To not want my mother in the delivery room(72 Posts)
My Mother has weird ideas about people who scream when giving birth. When previously we've watched One born every minute, she's been very vocal and told me that women shouldn't scream in labour (she had a c section with me so I feel it's unfair for her to say this). She's also very skittish and would make me very nervous, she hates it if I've ever been ill and bombards me with phone calls/visits until I feel better. I had a headache on Thursday and bumped into my auntie on Friday who was surprised to see me up and walking after speaking to my mother who had made out I was at deaths door.
However, she's taken the idea of not being allowed into the room very badly, she's very upset, very emotional and won't speak to me without shouting at me. This would be her first grandchild and she relies on me a lot since my father passed away nearly 5 years ago, so she feels this is a betrayal. It's made her become uber competitive with my MIL and if we visit PIL she screams at me that I don't visit her, (I go out shopping with her almost every single weekend). I love my mother loads and I'm not going to distance myself from her because I'm all she has. Also, I have a very strong suspicion that she is bi-polar, which would explain a lot of her more random behaviour, but I don't know what to do.
Would it be easier to have her in the delivery room and have a quieter stress free pregnancy or should I not have her in the delivery room and possibly have a very stressful pregnancy?
you don't need extra stress at a time like that. I feel for you, that's a difficult situation but you have to put yourself first and the birth of your first baby is not about her x good luck x
I mean this kindly- but seriously. If you want to end up with an emergency caesarean have her in the room. Otherwise, don't think about phoning until it is all done and dusted.
Whoa, YANBU at ALL. Do not let her in. Don't tell her you've gone into labour. Flatter her by making her the first phone call maybe.
Tell her she can wait in the relatives room and be the first visitor to see the baby. You need to put yourself and your baby first at this time, no one else.
DO NOT HAVE HER IN THE DELIVERY ROOM!
This is a time you need calm all around you and the focus to be on you. She sounds very high maintenance and for your own sake you need to stand your ground.
Could you ring her once the baby is born so that she's not given the option to come in? Maybe lie and say the hospital will only allow your DH in if you don't want an argument.
With respect to your mum this is your baby. She doesn't have a right to be there.
Explain now that you are nervous and you just want DH with you. That is a reasonable request.
Tell her she'll be the first to know once you've had the baby but the only person you want with you is your partner.
Get it put on your notes that only your partner can be there.
Don't tell her when you go into labour or she'll call every 10 minutes.
She will stress you out more by being there.
Tell her the truth - you love her dearly but a) you're going to scream if you want to and b) you know she struggles with seeing you in pain.
Or - the opposite. Lie your head off. You know for an absolute fact that only one person is allowed in the delivery suite at your hospital, and obviously that'll be the baby's father. You'd love her to be there but sadly it's impossible.
Whatever you do, don't give in to her. This is about you and your baby - no-one else. You can't rewind and do it differently - some of the birth might be out of your control, but hang on to the bits you can control.
Just a thought though when you are actually in labour you don't give a hoot who is in with you or what's going on.
You must do what is best for you as the calmer the better when giving birth. You need 100% support not someone judging you for making too much noise etc. I agree with not telling her until you are ready to after the birth. Maybe you could say it all happened too fast!
You are not being unreasonable at all.
YA soooooo NBU. If the consequence of her not being allowed in the delivery room is a stressful pregnancy then you need to distance yourself from her, even if its just whilst you are pregnant. She is behaving terribly and by putting up with it you are enabling her.
What Hassled said -
'Tell her the truth - you love her dearly but a) you're going to scream if you want to and b) you know she struggles with seeing you in pain.'
You won't be able to relax if she is there fussing over you.
I would also think about starting to distance myself from her a little bit. How are you going to visit her every weekend when the baby is born?
She sounds exhausting, tbh
Say to her "Labour will be me and dh only" repeat ad nauseum
If she strops, thats her problem.
Get stern as she is going to be a fucking nightmare.once tha baby is here.
Write.in massive notes that dh is to be yor only birth partner, and only call her when the baby is due.
If you can, give her a delivery date two weeks ahead to stop the incessant calling everyday aroubd your due date.
I wouldn't have wanted mine there, it was a special time for me and DH, not street theatre.
Don't let her be in the delivery room unless you are someone who is especially laid back about these things.
If there's any chance of you feeling at all inhibited or uncomfortable or irritated by her being there, then do do it.
I have quite an easy going mum and she was disappointed that I didn't want her in the room when I gave birth. We compromised on her waiting in the hospital, which worked well because I was happy to see her straight after the birth.
Thank you, I feel guilty even posting this because do love her very much and I know how much she relies on me, especially since my father passed away. She has tried to join groups, but my father was her sole mate and ultimately she's lonely and doesn't know what to do with a life that she didn't chose for herself, so she over focusses on me.
My mother has those funny ideas about screaming in birth from my grandmother, she was brought up in a very strict working class terraced household and was expected to give birth at home like her sisters did. My grandmother thought that it would bring shame on the house if the neighbours could hear a woman screaming. It surprises me that my mother has these views because she always fought hard to be different and to challenge the status quo, but I suppose some things are just forced onto you.
Of course YANBU - I am stunned at the number of people who have their Mums (or other people) in the delivery room on OBEM. Not my RL experience at all.
It's a very special moment for you and your dh/dp.
Even if your Mum weren't as over anxious as you have described her, I still wouldn't be contacting her about the labour until your little one was born.
Just adding agreement with YADDDDDDNBU!
And make sure you DO NOT TELL HER WHEN YOU'RE IN LABOUR.
And as others said, big letters in your notes about only DH in with you.
I certainly was aware of people around me in labour and would have been very uncomfortable with someone I didn't want there.
I would not have her in the room. Sounds like she would stress you out so much. I just wouldn't tell her when I was in labour and deal with her afterwards - you don't need that kind of worry when you're giving birth! In terms if a calm birth - have you looked into hypnobirthing? I've read lots of great things about it helping you have a calm labour.
Ironic that she shouts and screams in normal life, but disapproves of women doing the same whilst in labour!
Don't have her in the delivery room. Don't even discuss it. If she has taken it badly, then so be it.
I would not tell her you are in labour in case she turns up at the hospital. Personally, I would wait until after the baby's born.
Just don't tell her when you go into labour.
YADNBU here! You don't want the focus of your labour to be trying not to scream and all attention on your mother.
Don't even tell her you're in labour - my mother knew nothing about the arrival of my first until a phone call to say he was here (the second was another matter as she was looking after my first and demanded hourly updates via text from my OH).
Don't tell her you are in labour for the love of god. I had to boot my MIL out. She "popped in" and she still hung around for frikkin hours "keeping DH company". Thankfully my parents live overseas, they were at my sisters bedside within an hour of her Csection. I think I made my feelings on he subject pretty clear to them but it never occurred to me that my MIL would invite herself to the experience.
In all truth she was mostly fine - she's p*ssed me off more since by giving her opinion on how I laboured, what went wrong and the standard of care I received. I thought it was fine myself and was perfectly happy with it in the main. I can't bear people who won't complain if there's an issue and then dine out on it for years. Put up or shut up.
While you don't have a small child to contend with, it might be a good time to sit your mum down and set her expectations about how much you expect to see her after the baby is born, who will do childcare if you are going back to work and encourage her to develop a life outside you and her DGS.
You need someone supportive with you! Not someone telling you to shut up if you start screaming fgs.
Make sure it's on your birth plan, bolded and tell any staff you see as soon as you meet them that you do not want her there. Then don't tell her until after the baby is born - simple.
I was struck by your feeling that it is an easier pregnancy by letting her vs a harder one by not letting her. It should not be that way for you. I hate to say it but this is all going to get much, much harder after the baby is born if you don't put some boundaries in place now. You will not have the time, energy or inclination to pander once the baby arrives.
Maybe it would be worth addressing the underlying issue instead, ie reassuring her that you will still be there for her after the birth.
She seems to be frightened of what will happen and it all comes out badly.
In that case, I would actually lie and say that only one birth partner is allowed in the delivery suite. But that she will be the first one to be told of the birth and the first one to see your dc (before MIL etc... if that doesn't create a lot of other problems!)
Tell her it's hospital rules.
Was your gran at your birth?
Honestly? Nip this in the bud NOW. If she thinks she has any say in how you give birth, she's going to be a nightmmare once the baby is actually here.
You need to establish your acceptable boundaries now.
^^ this what showgirls said I was just coming to post the same.
If she thinks she can tell you what to do now what on earth is she going to be like when the baby arrives. You REALLY need to nip this in the bud.
PS You can love someone and be driven insane by them...it does not make you a bad person to need to manage how you respond to them.
I thought I had a high pain threshold until I gave birth. I ended up screaming and not caring who heard. At a stressful time like that the only people you need are the ones who can keep you calm and focused.
I had my sister with me and I'm so glad I did as she was brilliant and really helped me get through what turned out to be a very difficult birth.
YANBU - and it worries me that your relationship with your mother is so intense. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about - does your mother often manipulate you like this? It may well be that she is bipolar, in which case she needs understanding and the treatment that her condition requires. However, that does not negate your right to have the birth you want/choose. Gosh, if you can't choose who's there when you give birth, a pretty vulnerable position to be in in anyone's book, when can you choose?!
(And I say that as someone who is 7 months PG, lives overseas and who is flying her mum in to look after toddler DD whilst I birth DC2 with DH alongside. There is no way my mum would demand to be there in DH's place!)
yanbu, you need someone who will make you feel as comfortable and relaxed as possible. Your birth partner can make a huge difference to the labour which can affect the interventions you may need. Keep saying no.
durring one of my labours, I asked the midwife and husband to go and tell the awful woman in the next room to
shut the fuck up keep the noise down a bit as her high pitched squeal was really getting on my nerves,
turns out it was me,
I sort of went off to a different place, totally unaware of the noise I was making, it just a form of release,
but all mine were the wrong way round so it smarted a bit, except the last one(DD) she knew what she was doing, the boys all refused to turn.
Sit her down give her a large slice of cake, when she takes the first bite, say, "Mum I love you, but you are not coming into the delivery room, and please stop stressing me out, it worrying me".
and stick her on here
and leave her to it.
and tell the baby is here after you have had a few
days hours alone.
Do not have your Mother in the delivery room - this is a moment between you and your husband, and she needs to learn her place in your family is going to be after your husband and child.
And I would cut the every weekend shopping down gradually so that she is used to less attention when the baby arrives.
The resentment that follows from behaviour around the birth of a child lingers for a very long time. I read that on here once and it really is true. If you have her in the delivery room when you really don't want her there, it will be more harmful to your relationship than giving in to placate her over this.
My mum and sister dubbed me a prude as I didn't want my mum in the delivery room I still don't get why tbh!
YANBU. Do whatever YOU want.
I had a similar issue with MIL wanting to be in the room. I'd previously said only DH, and if I ran into difficulties Mum too. To MIL, this sounded like she was the favoured grandmother, whereas to my mind, I needed the person who would best support me.
Anyhow, after hearing 'I don't see why not!' one too many times, I returned with; 'because it's my vagina, and as such, I get to say who sees it.'
She didn't ask again. I think she'd basically forgotten that it would be a hugely personal time for me, and that it was my body that it was all happening to. I had become, for a mercifully short time, just the external shell of her grandchild. I'm not saying the same will work with your mum, but perhaps it's worth reminding her.
As far as not screaming goes - a midwife told me not to as I was directing my energy out rather than down. But that was me. If you want to scream, then go for it. You could always add to your mum; 'but you don't like the screaming. I don't want you to be traumatised by any noise I might make, and I'm not going to be able to sensor myself for you.'
If you feel inhibited or stressed during labour, then it can negatively affect how it progresses. It could actually put you and your child in danger by inhibiting labour. Do not have her in the room.
Everlong I very much noticed who was in the room and how irritating / unhelpful they were for all 32 hours of it.
Yanbu. Is she a Scientologist?
There's nothing better than a good scream during labour. Or a good pinch/bite. Poor DH had a bruise on his upper thigh near his balls where I dug my head in and took a bite and screamed, towards the end of labour with DS.
I personally wouldn't have told her about the plan of not having her in to be honest.
Then I would've 'gone into labour' and it was all a rush and you forgot your phone so you couldn't call her until the baby came out. Then call her straight away (3 hours later) and she could've got all excited about her new grandchild.
Probably wouldn't work now, but that would've been my plan.
I do feel for you OP.
My Mum was nearby and luckily was very helpful, albeit a bit of a worrywart. My partner however, is the epitome of calm with the right mix of concern and supportive when I ended up needing an EMCS.
How long have you got left?
Perhaps if you state you really, really want your partner there because you feel like it is traditional/the right of the father to see the baby first/insert another reason here?
YANBU. It's your decision, so please don't let her push her way in if it's not what you've chosen.
Was your mum at the conception? No? Then she doesn't have to be at the birth!
What does your DH think. My DH would have
quite rightly not wanted my DM in the room. (Lovely though she is).
YADNBU Just to agree with most posters here.
FWIW I was extremely aware who was around me. Just DH and the most lovely, peaceful midwife popping in every half hour or so (she did stick around for the actual delivery and stitches). I did tell a student MW who popped in to F off, luckily I was in the middle of a contraction so I think it was assumed I didn't mean it (I did, I wanted to be on my own!).
I had the statistically unlikely perfect birth :-) Due I think in part to my antenatal Daisy Birthing classes, reading Ina May Gaskin, and more importantly deciding how I wanted to do it. It was lovely (I am partly sharing this to balance the horror stories you may pick up!). I actually didn't scream at all, I moaned a bit - but I would have screamed if I had wanted to and the key thing for me was privacy and no need for any inhibitions.
Good Luck and be strong - I also agree it will be harder post birth to manage a high maintenance mum. You are much better dealing with it now - high maintenance mum/stress AND no sleep after your new bundle arrives will be infinitely worse than stress now.
I'm going to be a gm fairly soon and my daughter and her husband have just had a guided tour of the brand new and apparently very plush birthing suite (NHS, not private). She told me that family members can attend the birth as well as partners and then said that she "wasn't too not sure about that" in a very tone and I just laughed. No way would I consider it ok to gate crash a very special experience between her and her husband.
Your mum has no right to be there unless you and your husband want it that way.
By the way screaming isn't inevitable. I didn't scream, but moaned for England, mainly about wanting to go home and do this another day. Needless to say everyone just ignored me. The screams from the other rooms were amazing though, so I may just be a bit weird.
totally agree with Amothersplaceisintheroom.
you need to withdraw a little now as when baby comes you don't want to shop every weekend with her or have her every weekend.
I do feel so sorry for her loosing your dad but YOU are the important one here. NOT her.
Do NOT let her attend the labour, I'm sure it would be a wonderful experience for her
unless she stresses you out so much you need a EMCS but it isn't about her.
Best of luck after the birth, I agree with the other posters it might be best to set some boundaries now. She might no want to leave your side once her gc arrives.
Why would she even think she would be there?
Having a baby is not a spectator sport; mother and father of the baby only in this house.
Definitely not unreasonable, OP. However, you know your mum will think you are, so you'll have to make sure you stick to your guns no matter what she says. Get your H on board as backup.
There's no law that says you have to have anyone in the room with you, and trust me, a birth partner who is there for themselves rather than you will not help things go smoothly. Actually, the same goes for a birth partner who feels they 'have' to be there, instead of wanting to be there.
A bit controversial, but could you perhaps just string it along (thus ensuring a peaceful pregnancy) then just make something up when it comes to going into labour? (maybe staying at home until contractions are really close, then getting a call out to her from the hospital just before the crucial bit, so she wouldn't have time to get there?) I know that sounds really sneaky and underhand - but she doesn't sound all that helpful!
I didn't tell my mum I was planning a homebirth with my last. She was in the delivery room with my first, and not very helpful! I wanted a homebirth with my second and it sent her into a total hypochondriac mess - "at home?! What if you bleed out? You're mad. You'll want more than G&A. The baby might die. You might DIE" and so on. She shit the life out of me enough to have it her way, and DD2 was born in hospital!
With my third, I had her at home, and told mum after the event. Lovely labour, Inbetweeners inbetween contractions. Cider for the MW afterwards - about as blissful as labour can be. And I moo'd like a dairy cow - just because I could. It's my house and I'll moo if I want to kinda thing.
So anyway, a sympathetic and understanding YANBU from me!
Sometimes you just need to take a stand against mothers like that. Just laugh it off and say 'you must be joking!- No way'.
I never considered anyone except dp to be at the birth.
Go with the most supportive person/people at the birth. Tell her she can be one of the first visitors.
Have who you want there and don't try to keep anyone happy. I had my mum there, but me and dp had talked it through beforehand, and my mum was quite shocked to be asked. She was asked because I knew she would be supportive but not overbearing, and respectful of me and dp with our dd. Your mum is just going to stress you out at a time when you need focus. Set your boundaries now before it's too late.
I don't even need to read the whole OP to say YANBU!!
My own DD is 18, has just moved in with her DBF and they are talking
far too early if you ask me, but they aren't asking me so I'm not saying about having a baby within the next couple of years. She was talking about it the other day and said in a rather worried tone 'I hope you don't mind Mother (she revertes to mother when concerned, although we are far from a mother type family) but I do not want you to be my birthing partner, I want (DBFs name) to be it'
My reply, 'Goodness me, I would not expect to be, after all, (DBFs name) will have been the one to cause your pain, he should be the one to witness it. I do not want to hear my precious girl cry out in pain of labour'.
As far as I am concerned, her partner should be there, not me. Maybe a friend who has had a baby. I am not the person to do that!!
Now having read the OP, YASNBU!!! S=Still.
She sounds like hard work. Don't have her there it will make things worse for you. You need someone cool and calm and less self obsessed.
Phone her when you have given birth, or have your partner phone her very soon to you delivering and have her accidentally but on purpose miss it.
Just want to add something - if you do decide to keep quiet until the baby has been born (which is a great idea if you can manage it) then think about having your partner tell her the news. The last thing you want is to be yelled at for not calling sooner having just been through childbirth (speaking from bitter experience with own control-freak mother).
And be prepared (in a good way) to start establishing a different, less intense relationship with her.
Some women want their mums there, some don't.
It wasn't ever even mentioned.
Nor did anyone know that I was in labour with PFB.
They were told after he was born.
Where did your mum give birth then, OP, & was her mum with her?
Sorry, just reread & noticed that she had a csection with you.
So, did she ever give birth with her own mum watching?
Or even at home & trying to keep quiet?
So weird. I don't understand why a mother would assume she had some kind of entitlement to be present when her daughter gave birth. I certainly wouldn't make that assumption if it was my daughter. Giving birth is a very private intense experience and it doesn't help to have other people around (especially if they're going to get upset if you make a noise.)
But I can see why you don't want to have a stressful pregnancy arguing about it either, OP, so I don't really have a solution. Perhaps you can have a delaying tactic, e.g. "let's see how we all feel nearer the time."
I only know one person who had their Mum with them that was because she was single (twunt partner left her whilst pregnant), it isn't the norm.
Say that she is not going to be there but tell her that you will let her know when you are going into hospital and that she can be the first person to see the baby but then don't tell her and make it clear to mid wife that you only want DH. Dont tell her that ou a in labor.
Good luck, I hope that you have a good, quick labor like I did!
Don't have her in there or at the hospital. Its not fair to your dh she muscles in- you don't want her taking the baby off you, telling dh he should be outside etc etc. things have changed so much since you were born and she will, by the sounds of it, make it a miserable experience and all about her, like she is now!
I agree with posters pointing out that no matter how much you love her, the baby is yours and your dh. And you will need time after the birth to be a family unit ( you, dh and baby) if you need help you can ask.
She is being very insensitive and clearly likes her own way. Stand up to her now, before she wrecks the birth, and then the first few weeks of having a baby at home. It isn't helpful in the long run to have your mum whisking the baby off for baths etc- you won't get the confidence to do it yourself and she might, like my mil, resent you bf as she wants to bottle feed and hold the baby.
Its not about her. Its about you, your dh and the baby.tell her until she stops insisting and making a fuss to leave you alone as stress is not good for the baby.
Do not have her in the delivery room.
Her mental health is not your responsibility, this doesn't mean you should distance your self of that you can't try and accommodate her some of the time. But ultimately it is not up to you to placate her irrational feelings. Loving her does not mean you have to get drawn in.
Good God horrific idea. I love my DM very much and we have a great relationship but no way on God's good green would I want her near the delivery room. I also think it's vey hard for any mother to see their child in distress or pain and judging by what you've said your mum mightn't handle that so well.
I agree with what others have said, don't tell her when you go into labour, and if she finds out, make sure the midwives know she's not to be let into the room.
Do you know what happened in her own labour, does she talk about it at all? Her own preconceived ideas about giving birth now in contrast to giving birth to you may be colouring her thoughts at the moment. She may have felt that things were taken out of her control by her own Mother or have an issue with her own experience that she needs to sort out.
Having gone down the psychobabble route though I would say no way in hell would I want her there! My DH was the only one I even considered and he made it to 2 of the 3 births (second one went so quickly he missed it ). My Mum didn't ask and didn't want to my MIL was another story but backed down very quickly when I made it clear that it was not going to be a family party...
IMO labour is defintely worthwhile screaming through! I did a hypnobirthing course and started out doing the relaxation / deepbreathing. But ultimately I found screaming the place down far more therapeutic and satisfying - a much better way of managing labour! I managed 2 births on screaming and shouting, and a small bit of gas and air at the very end. I did feel sorry for anyone else trying to give birth in the hospital, or indeed within a 20-mile radius.
On a serious note, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I really foresee greater problems ahead with your relationship with your mother. No-matter how deeply you love your mother, your priorities change when you have a baby and your mother may very well struggle when you have to focus on your baby more than you do on her. Also, if there's jealousy between her and your PIL now, that is going to get 100 times worse once baby is actually here. I have no idea how this can best be managed, but I suggest that you think she might be bi-polar, now would be a good time to seek further help.
You don't need someone who's likely to be making things extra stressful in there with you when you're in labour.
I had DS alone as DH as away on a work trip & couldn't get back home in time after I went into labour - when it became clear how quickly things were progressing, the midwives offered to ring my mum so she could come in. They'd sent her home earlier as they (wrongly) thought DS would take at least another 10 - 12 hrs to arrive. I love my mother dearly, but I told the midwives not to call her, as I felt that the last thing I needed at that point was having to deal with trying to keep my mum calm and stop her from fussing and worrying about me and what was happening (my mum can get very anxious about things).
I agree with the suggestions about not telling her you're in labour, if possible. Or telling her that you're only allowed one birth partner, who will of course be DH?
Horses for courses of course, but mine was not in the delivery room for any of my 5 births. I do love my mum and all, but it never would have even crossed my mind to propose it.
I just didn't need any kind of audience!
My midwife was quite prepared to lie to people about this. The hospital would actually allow two people in the delivery room, but if you only wanted one and were being hassled by someone wanting to be with you, my mw was quite prepared to lie to any mothers/sisters/aunts etc that only one person was allowed in. She spoke to a couple of people on the phone for various friends. It's your birth, you decide who should be there with you.
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