Woke up at 6am to screaming 14 mo, H & his 11 yo son didn't wake til 9am(34 Posts)
My marriage is over, so am staying in the spare room (we have 3br house), baby in one room and H in main room. Last night his 11 yo son from a previous marriage stayed over. They slept in the main room. This morning our baby woke up at 6am, then became really hysterical, screaming, thrashing around. I tried to calm him, cuddles, lying down with him, carrying, walking, water, milk, etc. Anyway, this lasted about 45 mins. He's teething with molars coming through, so figured that was the problem. Someone went to the toilet twice whilst this was going on, but no one can in to see how he (we) were. H & his son then slept in and woke after 9am, are going away for a couple of nights, so left just after 10am.
I just asked my H if he heard our baby crying, he said he did hear something but thought it was a dream . H does take medication that knocks him out, but every weekday can wake up to his alarm and get to work. I said someone woke up and didn't care to come in. I said I'm not sure what is worse 1) H not being able to wake to screaming baby or 2) choosing to ignore him, either way it goes to show you don't care about your baby who was clearly unhappy. He then walked off and said Im not going to listen to you having a go at me.
I know I've got to get out of this living situation - but he is the father and not waking up to check on us, plus sleeping in til past 9am is unreasonable? (I didn't say this to H, cant even be bothered).
When my DH was seeing to the kids crying, I wouldn't go and join him either because I knew he could cope.
If he needed help, I knew he'd call me.
Is that not how your DH might have felt?
And if it turned out to be the 11yr old who went to the loo, would you expect him to help with the baby at 6am?
Regarding the 9am lie in
We used to take it in turns to lie in on a Sat/Sun morning, until about 10 or 11am.
He wasn't just crying, it was hysterical (honestly screaming the house down) and it went on for 40 odd minutes.
Mass of contradictions in your OP.
You said he was medicated and is knocked out? So focusing your anger on him not being fully alert to check whether you are capable of dealing with a crying baby is somewhat OTT.
What did you expect the 11yo to do, as you were quite obviously moving round the house
It sounds like you are in a crappy living situation, but you know that.
If it is any "comfort" though, DH has never woken you to a screaming baby. DS is 5 next week, DD is nearly 2 and still wakes up several times a night and needs someone to go to her at least once a night. And that person is always me. I have tried leaving DH to go, but he doesn't wake up. If I have to wake him up, then I am awake and cross anyway. And he always sleeps past 9am on a weekend, because he doesn't hear the DC wake up.
If you were dealing with the baby, what did you want him to do?
My DP rarely wakes when DS cries tbh, but if I need help I would wake him.
The 9am thing - I don't know. What is your agreement/normal routine for weekend mornings? If you are separated then maybe you need clear rules for who is "on duty" when. He may have felt if he was with the 11 year old, you could look after the baby.
Where were you sleeping initially?
I understand you are upset, but there's no case to end a marriage over this.
Are there other issues?
There has got to be more to it than this . if you wanted your Oh to help then why not just go and wake him up ?
I think he could have at least stuck his head in the door to see if baby was ok, tho. Unless he really didn't hear, of course. He hears his work alarm as that's more of a priority for him.
There's obviously other issues or she wouldn't be sleeping in a different room
Dh wouldn't come through if I was seeing to a crying baby because he would know I would call if he needed any help so I don't think it's unreasonable tbh. Dh got up at 11am today and I got up at 6am, he likes to sleep in I like early mornings so not a problem here.
It sounds difficult though living like you are is there any end in sight? Try and enjoy the next few days having the house to yourself
We always take turns having a lie-in on the weekend - I just kick DP to go and get up with DS.
He wasn't just crying, it was hysterical (honestly screaming the house down) and it went on for 40 odd minutes.
It's awful when that happens so you have my sympathy.
But still I wouldn't have gone to my DH because I know he can cope...and if for any reason he couldn't, he would come and get me.
With the marriage being over there would be very little desire to help you out with a teething baby. I assume he knows about the teeth and did not think the baby was in any danger.
As for 11 yo not helping. Well, my dh adult kids never check on me and my baby at night/early morning even with v loud crying. And we have great relationship... I would be v pleasantly surprised if a 11 yo would be checking on you.
And sorry about your breakup. It sucks.
Our marriage is over. Has been since start of July, so I'm now sleeping in the spare room. Of course, I could have gone in there and passed over a screaming baby, but that wouldn't have done any good to anyone. I just know if H was up and couldn't calm the baby down after 40 odd mins, then I would go in to see if it wasn't any serious, to see if I could help. But he just 'acts' like he sleeps through it and says it his tablets. He uses them a wild card, he picks and chooses when he is too tired to get up. There is no way they could have slept through the commotion this morning and I thought they would actually pop their head in to see how things are, somehow I am being unreasonable to think that H would have done that.
I'm not surprised he didn't tbh, especially as you are separated.
Perhaps as you are separated, he doesn't feel comfortable coming into your bedroom.
You could have been naked for all he knew.
Take comfort if you can from the fact that he will not be your problem for much longer. It is worse knowing someone is there who doesn't help, then being on your own, I would imagine.
How would he know you needed help though if you didn't ask? If the atmosphere is tense he might be giving you a wide berth to avoid any conflict especially when his ds is about.
We are separated, so as a result I now do mornings on weekends (I always did them anyway!) because he says he just sleeps through it. We both work full time, have never had a schedule as to who get to 'sleep in'. So, why would I expect a self centred H (who I'm separated from) actually care to come in and check on us, or try and help calm our son down. I know I would have, but maybe that's because I'm his mother? I just guessed he was teething this morning. So, H didn't know.
I think you need to agree between you who is doing what. As others have said, often you don't disturb the one comforting the crying baby, as it doesn't help - there's nothing you can do, as long as that person is coping. Likewise, most couples alternate the lie in. But these situations need to be discussed so you both know what to do when x and y happens. I know if must be very difficult in your situation, but you need to communicate and come to an arrangement you're both happy with.
I'm sorry about the break up.
I think there was a recent survey/experiment done on men hearing babies cry - apparently they just don't. They are not attuned to a baby crying.
You sound like you're really tired. Rather than expecting him to to mind read you need to sit him down and tell him that you need him to take a fair turn when the baby won't settle.
I understand that you have to BF (if you're doing it) but he can take care of the baby at other times, especially at the weekend when he could give you a lie in.
It would be best to approach him calmly about this, it sounds like a situation which can be resolved if you talk.
I am sorry that your marriage has broken down. Marriage breakdown brings out the worse in people. I think your husband is being mean not coming in the help after a baby has been crying for 40 minutes.
I feel you are being unreasonable to expect any help or support from an eleven year old. Your step son is too young to take responsiblity for a baby. I imagine your stepson must find it hard stay with you and your husband now that your marriage has broken down. Maybe he is scared that his father will be angry with him if he is nice to you. Prehaps your stepson feels caught in the middle of a complex sitution that is beyond his maturity to understand.
When my dh was a sahd he woke up every time our toddler cried, while I slept through. When I was at home on ML, it was the opposite. People don't wake if they feel it's someone else's responsibility.
I know it's not the topic of your thread, but are you making plans to move out/him to move out? What kind of access does he want, he'll have to look after him then?!
Don't see why an 11yo shouldn't have slept through any commotion tbh: ime this is an age where they need an extraordinary amount of sleep and can be completely dead to the world.
This is one of the reasons why families with more than one child can survive at all: all the other siblings don't wake up every time one sibling is screaming or ill or whatever. No doubt the wise dispensation of nature: otherwise you would have complete pandemonium.
I think you are being unreasonable... but you are clearly stressed with the end of your relationship so not surprising. Sorry you are having a shit time.
I take meds that knock me out, I hear the DC in the night but I am not quite with it enough to do anything about it. DH does ALL the night wakings for all three and has done since birth unless I am not taking the meds (pregnancy for example). In the mornings I sleep in until he wakes me at weekends quite late some days. I just cant seem to wake. BUT in the week I wake to an alarm no probs for school/uni etc. My docs explained this frustrating thing as routine or alarm ingrained - not just me being a lazy nob... so I do have some sympathy with your DH.
I don't think you can expect an 11 year old to help - I cant think of any 11 year old that would think about helping a crying 14 month old baby when its mother was taking care of them already!
hettienne Sun 01-Sep-13 22:18:46
I'm not surprised he didn't tbh, especially as you are separated
You should be surprised!! Whether their seperated or not that is still HIS child who is upset. Being seperated is irrelevant to the fact his baby was upset! I dont know why I've let that comment bother me but its proper pissed me off!
Aw OP, I dont really know what to say. Do you have any close friends ir family you could stay with? Or someone who wouldn't mind looking after baby for a few hours so you could have a good sleep? Sorry not much help x
Sounds like a horrible living situation. It would have been nice if he'd come and checked on your son. If your DS was crying so much did he even know that YOU had gone to get him? I can't think why the 11 year old would be expected to look in though.
Hmm...I think your situation, what with being seperated but still in the same house, is clouding your feelings about this.
If he heard anything at all, your h (exh?) would assume you had it covered. The 11 yr old isn't obliged to help at all. My eldest son could sleep through the world falling apart when his siblings were babies. It's not his responsibility, so it doesn't register.
All that said...sorry you had such a shit night. I know how these occasions can make one brim over with rage. xx
I think it's fair to have alternate sleep ins. Also only need help etc if not coping. In which case you should ask for help.
So if your H takes medication that knocks him out, it was probably the 11 year old that went to the toilet in the middle of the night. He would probably be on autopilot, my DS is 18 and still sleeps like the dead, but can wee and wash his hands whilst barely conscious.
You are tired and annoyed and in a bad situation, and soon you are going to be a lone parent with no one to help out. I'm not surprised you are feeling angry.
You are understandably angry and upset at your relationship ending but try to leave DSS out of it. 11 year olds don't generally wake up and help when babies cry and I suspect he also feels all the tension between you and his dad and is less likely to become involved.
As for your H, I sympathise as I also do all the early mornings. Is it any consolation than once you move out when he has the baby overnight he just won't have any choice but to get up?
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