Serious Wedding One.

(188 Posts)
disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:17:09

Have nc for this. This could turn out quite long so apologies in advance.

Sister is getting married and has asked me to be maid of honour. I am thrilled even though dsis is a bit of a bridezilla. She asked me a couple of months ago and I have been helping her with wedding planning etc.

Dsis and i have different dads. Hers was my stepdad for a large part of my childhood. He was abusive, emotionally/mentally, physically and one sexual assualt (when i was 8) towards me. My dsis only got the emotional/mental abuse. Dsis is aware of what i suffered (although minimises/excuses such as he was drunk).

As soon as i turned 16 i left home and have no contact with him. Dsis has contact with him although i think it can be strained.

However it has transpired that she has asked him to give her away at her wedding. I was unaware of this up until this week (although don't know why i am surprised).

I am now in a difficult position. Basically i dont want to go. I dont want to have to be anywhere near him. He would probably have the hard neck to try and speak to me and id rather just not put myself in that position. AIBU to just drop out? I dont think dsis would be too understanding and it would probably ruin her day.

Any other questions just ask.

MortifiedAdams Sun 01-Sep-13 17:23:19

Tbh I would be her MoH. What he did to you was awful, and something I think you should report him for, but if you want your sister to have a great day, stay MoH.

Ask her to tell him to stay away from you.

Id separate the two issues here.

BrokenSunglasses Sun 01-Sep-13 17:25:30

Oh, horrible situation for you!

If your sister knows what her dad did to you, then she's probably anticipating this being a problem, even if she's hoping you will just tolerate him for the sake of her wedding.

It's entirely up to you if you go or not, but if you don't, I think you have to be prepared for it to do some serious damage to the relationship you have with your sister. Obviously she should be understanding and accepting of the way you feel, but if she excuses her Dads behaviour and she hasn't been the one to talk to you about the problem first, then there's a good chance she won't be reasonable and will expect you to put her feelings ahead of your own for the day.

I feel for your sister too tbh, it's not her fault that her father is monster.

If you went to the wedding, do you have a DH or other family members that would be there to stick by you and keep him away, or would you have to deal with it alone?

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 17:27:56

Hmmm.

I think I would drop out of being MoH so I didn't have to walk down the ailse and be in the photos with him etc. and explain that to your sister but you will still help her plan it all and you will still attend.

So you think that would be workable?

PiratePanda Sun 01-Sep-13 17:32:33

I would still be MoH but on the condition that I did not have to drive to the church in the same car as him (book yourself a taxi if necessary), did not have to speak to him at any point and did not have to sit next to him or facing him at the reception. And take a supportive partner, friend or family member with you to run interference if he tries to get close.

Family relationships are often difficult, and plenty of weddings are awkward. You'll be OK; and you might even be able to see the funny side.

fifi669 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:33:33

I wouldn't go. I'm amazed she invited him let alone asked him to give her away. Actually I don't know why she speaks to him!

Would seeing him leave you upset? Make you feel vulnerable? If he did speak to you how would you react? Do you have a DP that might want to throttle him?

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen in all honesty

Famzilla Sun 01-Sep-13 17:35:22

I would drop out if I were in that position.

I would think very little of someone who put their "speshul day" above the emotional well being of their own sister by forcing her to spend it in the company of her emotional, physical and sexual abuser. Absolutely disgraceful IMO.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:36:53

Dsis doesn't anticipate this as a problem, because well she doesn't think what he did was that bad. And since Ive never made an issue over it (I sucked it up as a child and then cut him out my life as soon as i could) she wouldn't think that I would have a problem with it. Which is maybe short sighted of her.

helloeverything Sun 01-Sep-13 17:38:55

I was in a position very similar to yours only I was just a guest. I reluctantly went to the wedding after being guilt-tripped into it, only to have to deal with stepdad staring at me and following me around the whole day.
I wish I hadn't gone.
good luck with your decision.

TakingThePea Sun 01-Sep-13 17:42:17

I would not go.

If my father sexually assaulted my half-sister I would have absolutely nothing to do with him, let alone ask him to give me away.....

TakingThePea Sun 01-Sep-13 17:43:31

Totally agree famzilla.

What about your mum? Do other people know about it?

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:43:42

Famzilla, this is how i am feeling tbh, and not sure if i am selfish for thinking like that since its her wedding.

I think theres gonna be fall out if I drop it but its taken me many years to come to terms with it and I feel like having to be around him to keep other people happy just takes me back to where i was to begin with.

TakingThePea Sun 01-Sep-13 17:44:46

PiratePanda ..... see the funny side of what? I can't see any funny sides to the OP....

charitygirl Sun 01-Sep-13 17:46:14

If you don't want to go, you absolutely shouldn't. I would feel 100% the same. This is NOT a 'suck it up for the sake of other people' situation. I think it's massively hurtful, and frankly dysfunctional, of her to ask.

How good a sister is she really?

SPBisResisting Sun 01-Sep-13 17:47:31

Funny side? ! Wouldn't be impressed if I were the op

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:47:54

Its one of these family 'secrets' that everyone (close family) knows. Dmum has been separated from him for almost a decade and hates him more than i do (he beat her up too for years). And this is my other fear. Everyone is going to be drinking, which may lead to a big confrontation and even more people knowing.

charitygirl Sun 01-Sep-13 17:48:50

Who would want such a man to 'give her away'. I despair of the 'see the funny side' comment and all the other comments saying you should do it - this is what minimising child abuse looks like.

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 17:50:12

How long until the wedding?

If being there at all is going to massively set you back then the sooner you have this conversation the better but I think you may loose all of your family over it.

Do you think counselling would help you work through whether you could go and see him for the nasty powerless man he is - sort of face your fears type thing?

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 17:51:14

Has your sister got lost in the romance of it all and stopped thinking?

BunchofTulips Sun 01-Sep-13 17:54:04

Why does your sister want a man who sexually abused her sister and beat up her mum to give her away?

I think you have every right to not be MoH and wouldn't blame you one iota if you didn't go to the whole thing.

A serious conversation with your sister, very soon, would be illuminating I think. Poor you, good luck.

TSSDNCOP Sun 01-Sep-13 17:55:03

No I absolutely wouldn't go. Yes, it will be a bubble-popper for DSIS but I think your emotional health is way, way more important and who's to say what terrible memories being in proximity to your abuser will unearth.

Frankly, I'd take the chance whilst you know where the fucker is to have him arrested.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 17:55:08

I dont think i would lose all my family over this. Dmum and other siblings would be understanding. But Dsis not so much. But she has form for being unreasonable and we kinda all accept thats how she is!

At this point in my life i dont need counselling, I know he is a useless piece of shit. I often see him in (small) town and walk past him. But I just dont want to willingly put myself in a room with him.

Plus i do worry that other people seeing how civilised i can be to him really interpret it as well he couldnt have been that bad.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 17:56:02

Hmmm, I can't see where Pirate found the funny side of a sexual assault on an 8 YO either TakingThePea, bizarre.

I know it's 'bad timing' for this to come up at your sisters wedding, but it has, and there's going to be fallout whatever you decide.

If you've totally ruled out going while he's there, then I would say you should tell your sister exactly how you feel and exactly what he did.

If she minimises it and makes it about you rather than the offender, then she'll have made the choice for you and you can drop out with a clear conscience.

But she could be shocked and either tell him to sling his hook, or at least make an attempt to shield you from seeing him (not sure how), but it's her taking your feelings seriously which is the clincher for me.

It's a difficult one though, to be sure.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 17:58:37

But her being unreasonable doesn't mean she's right, or that you have to do as she says.

It's not for her to decide how upset you are by him.

FannyMcNally Sun 01-Sep-13 18:02:36

I'm always amazed that brides still want their fathers to 'give them away' even though they don't live with them let alone are estranged from them. And op, what a difficult position to be in. I'm surprised your sister didn't mention him at the start of the preparations but perhaps she thought it would be obvious. If it was me, I think I would have to pass on the MoH and seriously think about even attending.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 01-Sep-13 18:03:16

I think I'd pull out of being MOH and explain to your sister why.

However, I do have some sympathy for your sister, things are very difficult if you're the sibling of someone who was abused and it doesn't mean she doesn't still love her father. After all, people still often love the parent who abused them - albeit in a very complicated way.

I do think your sister should have talked about it with you though and she should totally understand if you feel you can't be involved. And I also feel for your mum, I mean I doubt she wants to be sharing space with him either.

I wonder if you could therefore just sit down with your sister and explain all this to her. But in no way should you put yourself in such an awful position just for the sake of your sister's wedding.

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 18:03:27

So...

How do you think it's best to broach this with your sister, in person or letter? Either way I think you had best do it asap.

I'm glad the rest of the family will be understanding - you may find that you are not alone with your feelings about his attendance...

Inertia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:04:20

Yanbu. There is no way you should be forced to endure the presence of the man who abused you as a child.

Sounds like your sister has got carried away with the romance of wedding planning, and wants to pretend her dad is a normal loving dad rather than an abusive paedophile. Unfortunately , pretending he is a normal father won't make him so.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:05:05

I think a serious discussion with dsis is the only way forward. Just wanted to check that iwbu and shouldn't just suck it up for the sake of her wedding.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:09:17

I think you should consider counselling specifically for dealing with this decision. Personally I would go, but with certain conditions. For example that my sister understood my constraints, eg I wouldn't be in a photo with him and whilst reassuring her I won't make a fuss, absolutely no attempts at persuasion on the day would be tolerated. Also, I would make sure I had support in place/ coping strategies planned. A friend or partner there to be 100% on my side and to protect me would be essential.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 18:10:11

Anyone thinking you should 'suck up' having close contact with someone committing such serious offences against you, is totally wrong.

It's only a wedding.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 01-Sep-13 18:10:38

Its just a wedding - its not life or death. Its a complex family situation and she must realise that - there is no way she is going to get the perfect family wedding.

I wonder if she's just in denial and skipping ahead with her perfect wedding plans and neglecting to look at the reality of her own family situation.

Good luck with the talk.

NoComet Sun 01-Sep-13 18:11:08

I think there are two sorts of keeping people happy. Keeping people happy because you feel you ought to to keep the peace or are scared and keeping the peace because you choose to.

If you choose to be your sisters MoH because you love and care about her, that is a positive choice.

One day, perhaps if she gets PG, perhaps due to some other life event, she will find herself considering her fathers behaviour and perhaps then you will be able to talk. But not while planning a wedding with all her family and her DPs family to consider. To expect her to do so is to punish her for what he did and non of us deserve to be punished for our parents sins.

rootatoot Sun 01-Sep-13 18:11:15

I'm sorry you are in this position. I find it hard to accept that anyone who has not suffered abuse, thankfully myself included, could say iyabu.

I think I'd try posting in relationships and see if you get some more knowledgeable or supportive advice there. Those saying they'd do xy or z on here, can't really say. It's just a massively personal and difficult thing to do. Get some rl help if you can. Can you be honest with sis? Say you're not pulling out yet but you don't know if you can cope. Tell her honestly why? I'd want to know if my sister was feeling so bad about something I was doing.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:13:36

YWNBU to drop out.

I don't know how she can expect you to stand at the altar with him. Actually I do. Because some fuckwits think SA is nothing but a grope and if it was years ago you should be over it now.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:16:31

PP you really need to explain your "funny side" comment as I and many others can't see one hmm.

mymagaret Sun 01-Sep-13 18:19:14

Absolutely do not go! Thats a disgusting request on your sisters behalf! My sister is my Half sister but i don't see it as half at all. If something so horrific had happened to either of us , we would be 100% together on never seeing him again.
It may be 'her' day , but this is your life and your mental wellbeing. Your family should be standing by you in whatever decision you make. The fact he is invited to her wedding is a shambles. Do what makes 'you' happy not everyone else.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:22:35

Surely, surely you would have expected her father to be at her wedding?

I can't believe it has come as such a shock to you.

FannyMcNally Sun 01-Sep-13 18:25:08

But she obviously didn't expect the fuckwit to have such a major part.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:27:28

But he's her father? OP didn't bother finding out who might be giving her sister away, if it wasn't her father?

Seems very strange to me.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:28:02

Bowler, I have said that I dont know why i am surprised. It only transpired last week as I asked who was giving her away and she said her dad. Tbh i hadn't really thought of it before but Ive had a week to think of the implications.

I dont see my dsis as a half sister, just a sis but said so more to let people understand that we dont have the same dad.

I think because she didn't bear the brunt of her dad she doesn't realise how bad it was.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:29:29

root said, Those saying they'd do xy or z on here, can't really say.

I said, "I would..." and I can really say. I also consciously said what I would do, as I felt the OP was asking for opinions (it is AIBU).

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:30:42

Ill admit i was also caught up in the wedding madness, looking at dresses, hair styles, catering etc, and wasnt really thinking about the nitty gritty logistics of it all.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:32:28

Oh ok. But I think it's unfair you might be letting your sister down, after a couple of months, just because you didn't think to pose the question!

Sorry op, it must have been difficult for you growing up. A bit less difficult for your sister herself, but she still wants her father to give her away. You may be making her chose between you.

Floggingmolly Sun 01-Sep-13 18:33:48

She excuses his assault on you as he was "drunk" at the time. I personally would no longer have a relationship with either of them; but I guess you're a bigger person than I am.

lovelychops Sun 01-Sep-13 18:35:02

The 'seeing the funny side' comment is repulsive.

OP do what is best for you and you alone. Everyone else will just have to get over it if you don't go. As others have said, it's only a wedding. If you do decide to go, obviously make plans to make it as manageable as you can. Good luck smile

WilsonFrickett Sun 01-Sep-13 18:35:46

I wonder if perhaps he's bullied your sister in to it? Or if she's desperate to present a 'normal' front to the world. I'm just not seeing why an otherwise ok person would make such a bd decision. If he EA'd her as you say in your op then there could be all sort of factors at play here.

That said I absolutely do not think you should just suck it up. But I do think you should have a serious conversation with your sister and try and work out what's going on with her. Perhaps your DM could be involved? I can't see many people, bridezilla or not, would be prepared to put the facade of a normal parental relationship above the feelings of their mother and sister.

Talk to her before you make any big decision.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:36:12

Oh come off it Bowlersarm. This man ABUSED the OP. FFS that trumps fucking wedding and nice fucking family photos.

And so what if the OP's sister feels she has to choose.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 18:36:20

The 'seeing the funny side' comment is repulsive.

Yep, I presume panda hadn't quite read the OP properly?

Makqueen Sun 01-Sep-13 18:39:13

I couldn't put myself through that. Drop out for your own sanity.

Sorry to hear about what you suffered as a child.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 18:39:39

It could be argued that the sister's letting the OP down Bowler, by not taking her feelings seriously and putting some fuckwit abuser before her own sister.

Being her Dad doesn't sidestep that, it must hurt the OP to find she's just brushed off so happy families can be played.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:44:02

MissStrawberry it's all very well you being aggressive with your 'fucking' this and your 'fucking' that.

You haven't got to live with the fallout the OP may have with her sister.

It's easy for you to write words on a forum. You just move on to the next topic.

It is the OP who has to live with any consequences of her actions.

foreverondiet Sun 01-Sep-13 18:44:11

I see it from your pov but did it not occur to ask her if he would be there? If you aren't comfortable you shouldn't go, but did she tell you previously that he would or would not be there and why didn't you think to ask???

fluffyraggies Sun 01-Sep-13 18:45:41

Why does your sister want a man who sexually abused her sister and beat up her mum to give her away?

This ^^

argued that the sister's letting the OP down, by not taking her feelings seriously and putting some fuckwit abuser before her own sister.

and this ^^

The OP has done well to rise above and beyond what was done to her as a child. To expect her to also be able to pretend it never happened is an expectation too far, and something i would feel very hurt to be asked to do. For a wedding, a Christening, a funeral, a trip the bloody supermarket or anything.

Talk to your sis, OP, and tell how she has put you in an impossible position as you love her but cant be near your abuser.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:46:04

WF, dsis is not bullied by her dad. Since my dmum left him he has been trying to be 'nice' to the remaining children as they are all he has left. Most of his other family have disowned him/stay their distance. Thats not to say he has totally changed and my dsis is often on the end of his cutting remarks (she tells me, but it seems its alright for her to think her dad is a twit and moan about him but no one else can). My dsis sums it up well with no matter how bad he is, he is still her dad. (Not something i particularly agree with btw).

In a perfect world I would never want my dsis to choose between me and her dad.

KoalaFace Sun 01-Sep-13 18:46:39

OP I really feel for you. This is a horrible situation.

It takes a lot to begin coming to terms with an abusive childhood. If you feel that you are in a good place at the moment and seeing him at the wedding is going to be detrimental to your life I would advise being honest with your sister and telling her you can't be a part of her wedding with your abuser being there.

I hope she employs some empathy and understands. If she doesn't I'm afraid you may have to accept her right to be upset and disappointed and leave her to get on with it.

ZillionChocolate Sun 01-Sep-13 18:47:55

"Why didn't you think to ask?" is equally well "why didn't she think to tell you?". I think you have to talk to her. I don't know how is react in her shoes or in yours, I've never been in them. I'd like to think I'd have the strength of character to cut off my dad and support my sister, but that's easy for me to say because I am in part the person I am because my dad is lovely.

squoosh Sun 01-Sep-13 18:48:09

I wouldn't even contemplate attending as long as he is on the guest list. Yes your sis might get upset and huffy, quite frankly boo bloody hoo to her. Can she really be that self-involved that she doesn't see why this would be massively distressing for you.

Even if he hadn't sexually abused you why would she want anything to do with a man who beat her own mother for years? To be honest, this would make me rethink my relationship with my sister.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:49:27

Then it is down to the question of how much does your sister mean to you? And does it over ride the hatred you have of your stepfather. Or not? Then you have your answer.

If you step down from attending the wedding then you may be lucky and your sister will understand and all will be fine. But be prepared for her not to understand.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:49:50

She never said that he would/wouldn't be there. And I hadn't thought of him being there, hence asking her who was giving her away. I'll openly admit this was absolutely short sighted of me, but like i said me and dsis were a bit wrapped up in looking at the fun bits of the wedding.

BrokenSunglasses Sun 01-Sep-13 18:50:04

Him being her Dad does make a huge difference though Zigzag. Just look at some of the threads on here with people who are so attached to their parents simply because of biology that they put up with all sorts of horrible things.

xkittyx Sun 01-Sep-13 18:51:10

Some of the respobses on this thread have been a real eye opener as to how sexual abuse gets minimised in some families, and the victim scapegoated.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:52:46

"Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:44:02

MissStrawberry it's all very well you being aggressive with your 'fucking' this and your 'fucking' that.

You haven't got to live with the fallout the OP may have with her sister.

It's easy for you to write words on a forum. You just move on to the next topic.

It is the OP who has to live with any consequences of her actions."

Bowlersarm, you know nothing and believe me, I know what I am saying and do not just move on to the next topic. I suspect you have no experience of SA and it is actually you who finds it easy to right shit on a forum and move on.

BlueStones Sun 01-Sep-13 18:52:57

I wouldn't go, and I don't think you have any reason to feel bad if you choose to not go.

It's just a wedding, and for all the hysteria that develops around them, weddings are just parties. Your sister will still have a marriage whether or not you attend her party.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:53:53

Bowlersarm, Im at a place in my life now where i can say that i dont hate her dad. I see where he is in life now and if I feel anything its between disgust and pity. That said i still dont want to be in his presence or anywhere remotely near him.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 18:54:08

Especially when he has had a drink.

ResNullius Sun 01-Sep-13 18:54:13

You know, OP, there are a few ways of looking at this and I think you have the option to say ....after so many years ....that you will not let the bastard win.
Because if you don't go, he does win.

If you are able to be there with people around you, who love you and care for you, then in many ways the very best revenge for this mans appalling treatment of you, is to show him that you have turned into a wonderful amazing strong woman who gives not one single toss about him BECAUSE HE CANNOT TOUCH YOU AND HE IS NOT WORTH WASTING A THOUGHT ON.

You may not be ready for this. It takes people different times and spaces to really move on from abuse, and no-one can hurry healing. But I truly hope you may be able to, because the sheer joy you feel in reducing these men, in your own mind, to the meaningless bathering bullies which they are ...is priceless.

flowers cake and wine

Pagwatch Sun 01-Sep-13 18:54:46

Op

I understand your concerns

Being forced into a 'normal' situation with her father is awful.
It makes you complicit in smoothing over the consequences of what he did.
It makes you feel vulnerable
It pushes you into being the bad one/the troublesome one/the problem
It forces you to shut up and go along with the humiliation or be the cause of upset and gossip /distress.
It makes you relive all the hideous things you went through when you first spoke up - the disbelief, the minimising, the speculation, the humiliation.
It means he is in control again even if only for a short time.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:54:49

Bowlersarm, your comment at 18:49 is incredibly offensive and without any understanding at all.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:56:05

ResN, it isn't about "winning." Do you really really think it is and is that easy?

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:56:31

MissStrawberry all posts should be removed then, and the OP should only read yours. Because of course you have the only point of view worth reading.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:56:48

Pagwatch - BRILLIANT post flowers.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 18:57:33

Not at all, Bowlersarm but you certainly appear to not have any understanding of what the OP went through and feels.

StuntGirl Sun 01-Sep-13 18:58:26

Yy to that kitty.

I wouldn't go OP. I would tell her exactly why. I would be prepared for the possibility of the fallout.

It sounds very hard. I'm very sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 18:59:32

MissStrawberry my post of 18.49 was directed to the OP. Not you. Please allow the OP to reply, on HER thread. I'm sure she doesn't need you stepping in to speak for her.

fluffyraggies Sun 01-Sep-13 19:01:43

I don't see how the OP failing to check, at some magically correct time, who else is going to the wedding, means she gets to forfeit being treated with respect and compassion by her own sister confused

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 19:02:23

Pagwatch I'm not sure it has to be that way. I think that there are ways of attending which protect the OP and her truth. This is what I was getting at in my first post.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 19:02:24

I can read Bowlersarm and I am not speaking for the OP. I am pulling you up on the crap you are spouting.

MissStrawberry Sun 01-Sep-13 19:03:30

OP, I wish you luck. Your well being is more important than someone's wants on their wedding day imo.

I will leave this now.

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 19:03:41

MissStrawberry omg leave me alone!

xkittyx Sun 01-Sep-13 19:06:53

Bowlersarm I also find what you're saying pretty offensive. You are totally minimising abuse.

StuntGirl Sun 01-Sep-13 19:07:44

I do think your earlier post about how much she loves her sister was out of line bowler. It puts the onus on the OP - and creates guilt where there doesn't need to be any. It implies that if she just loves her sister enough she can look aside the hurt and pain caused during her childhood, and the discomfort she feels now.

It's ok for her to feel that she can't be at this wedding, and it doesn't mean she loves her sister any less.

BackforGood Sun 01-Sep-13 19:08:27

I would have to speak you sis and say that you are sorry to pull out after having agreed to be MoH, but that it just never occurred to you for a minute that she would be inviting someone who has abused both you, and her, and your mother, and there is no way you can be part of an occasion that he is. I'd also be asking her if she had thought about the impact on your Mum, too.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 19:10:10

Pagwatch has summed it up pretty well. That is how I feel.

This is a bit of a drip feed but not particularly relevant. When the SA came out I was 14. My dmum (who admits she was a shit mother at that particular period but herself a victim of DA) told my dsis and dbro (who were about 7/8) that their dad had done a bad thing and it was up to me if he got to stay. So i had them begging me to let him stay. And I felt had to say yes, so for 2 years i lived a fucking horrible awkward existence of pretending nothing happened and then at 16 i left. Im just not ready to do that again. Its totally different but for me it feels the same.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 19:11:45

BackforGood do you think that might sound a bit manipulative to the bride?

cocolepew Sun 01-Sep-13 19:12:00

Don't go. It will just be awful for you. How could you possibly be expected to go and relax and have fun with your abuser there?
Frankly I'm staggered that people seem to think it's OK to go.

Pagwatch Sun 01-Sep-13 19:14:00

I'm so sorry disguiseno1.
Of course it feels the same.

I am a tough person. I think I regard it as a manifestation of that strength that I would be prepared to say
'I will not be placed in that position. I will not be manipulated into smiling in photos next to that man. That's my choice'

Bowlersarm Sun 01-Sep-13 19:14:50

Alright I am sorry if I am causing offence, OP.

I am not trying to minimise what he did. I just think that firstly, it should have come up before, when it was first talked about, but obviously it hasn't. Only you know how your sister will react if you say you are not going to the wedding. Her reaction may not be the one you want to hear and you may end up falling out over it. That's all I am trying to say. So YANBU to drop out but you may jeopardise the relationship with your sister.

I agree it's your stepfather has caused all this, and is still causing pain, but it is only you who knows how your sister may react. He is clearly going to be at the wedding, whether you like it or not.

BackforGood Sun 01-Sep-13 19:15:04

Not really - this is a pretty serious thing disguiseno1 is talking about, not a bit of disliking of someone who is rude or selfish, nor a disagreement about some detail of the wedding. This is about being in close proximity to a man who abused her over some years. I'm just shocked that the sister/bride thinks it is an OK thing for everyone else to just accept that she wants this man there - biological father or not.

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 19:15:04

Im just not ready to do that again.

disguise where are you on the options of:
a) not attending
b) attending but not with a role
c) attending with rules in place
I don't think that you should give your sister the ultimatum of you or her father.

BackforGood Sun 01-Sep-13 19:15:49

sorry, x-posted, I was answering vivacia's question smile

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 19:18:52

(Glad you clarified at 19:15 Back as I hadn't realised!). I think that this would convey the same sentiment but not be manipulative,

I'm sorry and I know that this will be difficult for you but I can't attend the wedding if that man's there. I hope you understand and I hope I can still be part of the preparations and celebrations afterwards

BlueStones Sun 01-Sep-13 19:19:16

Maybe offer to take your sister and her husband for high tea (or whatever else they like) at a later date, in lieu of attending?

Either way, your experience utterly overrides any concerns about her bloomin' wedding. I'm astonished that she is putting you in this position. You are not the baddy here, not in any way at all.

AllThatGlistens Sun 01-Sep-13 19:20:11

Are some of the posters on here joking? Or just deluded?

He sexually abused the OP at 8 years old.

Shame on anyone that has the brass neck to minimise that angry

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 19:20:43

Blue I think that there's only one person at blame here.

AgentZigzag Sun 01-Sep-13 19:21:04

Bowler, if the OPs sister thinks just because she's found a way to deal with what was dished out to her, that the OP shouldn't have any trouble doing the same, goes beyond any bridezilla boundaries.

The OP would be anything but lucky for such a person deeming to forgive her. Forgive her for what?? Not wanting her skin to be crawling at being so close to man capable of sexually assaulting a child?? Someone capable of doing that to her? (sorry if that's a bit strong OP).

BlueStones Sun 01-Sep-13 19:22:53

Viv absolutely, I didn't mean to imply otherwise. But the sister should understand that OP's ongoing suffering is far more significant than wedding formalities.

Inertia Sun 01-Sep-13 19:22:59

What an awful position for a child to be placed in- it should have been a judge and jury who made the decision about what happened to him as a punishment. Making a 14 yo abuse victim take responsibility for the abuser is horrific. And now you are being placed in a similar position, where his crimes are swept under the carpet and you get the blame if you are not willing to join in with minimising the abuse you suffered. You don't have to suffer in silence - though I think that you should think about how you'd be willing to proceed before you speak to your sister.

Pagwatch Sun 01-Sep-13 19:28:44

I am not going to have a go at anyone who doesn't understand but it s important to try and get that for many people the nature of the abuse is to force the child to become complicit.

And once a child does not scream 'do not do that' then everyone wonders why not. Including the child.
Guilt and shame become overwhelming. Then others want you to keep quiet and it makes it worse. What you think is that no one much minds what happened. They just want to ignore it and move on. You become the one causing problems.
It's invidious . It changes who you are, how you value yourself.

MarianForrester Sun 01-Sep-13 19:29:41

I never post on stuff like this, but am also gobsmacked that people think you should kind of feel obliged to go so as not to cause offence or upset. This is madness. You should not go, and should not feel bad about it for a second, if anyone should it's the bride for placing you in this situation.

You are not at fault, he is, I would not go at all if I were you. Impossible for you to be part of this.

Doha Sun 01-Sep-13 19:30:10

I would report you him now for sexual abuse--it's never too late,

fluffyraggies Sun 01-Sep-13 19:30:46

... and OP was put in that position at 14 - now she's being put there again with ''don't upset your sister''! sad

ChasedByBees Sun 01-Sep-13 19:33:21

That's awful OP sad

I wouldn't go - I'd state that I didn't want to be in the room with him and go along with being in his presence for the sake of 'appearance'. I wouldn't offer it as a choice (I.e. if you uninvited him I'll come) as that is asking her to directly choose. She should choose to uninvite him through her own decision. She probably won't but she shouldn't have put you in this situation in the first place.

It's not about 'winning' or 'how much does your sister mean to you'.

Not at all.

Xales Sun 01-Sep-13 19:33:27

Slightly different but my mother wanted my step father back when she found out he was dying despite knowing about the years of abuse I had been through. If they had got back together she would never have seen me or my child again.

I actually think you should bite the bullet and make a stand now. You sister is old enough to know what you went though not a 'bad thing'.

Otherwise it will be your other siblings weddings, their future children's christenings/birthdays/christmas/important dates etc in the future.

If you don't say no now, if you do in the future, they will turn around and say well you didn't have a problem with x, y & z so why are you making this a problem now.

Be strong and say no.

That was a fucking vile betrayal by your mother too when you were 14!

Good luck

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 01-Sep-13 19:35:44

personally, I wouldn't go. and I would have a serious chat with sis to explain how you felt in the past and how you feel now. she's not a kid any more.

yes, he is her dad and its her choice in the end but you do need to look after your self first of all.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 19:37:06

I would say that the police were involved but my dmum promised me that if i didn't take it further then i would never see him again. At 14 that seemed like the best solution so it was a bit shit for him to wheedle his way back in within a month.

I couldn't go to the police now, I live in a small town and whilst i have come to terms with what happened i couldnt cope with the thought of random people knowing, as stupid as it sounds. And thats not even considering how my dsis would take it. Plus if he wasn't found guilty then everyone automatically assumes innocence. And then i really would be the bad one lol

motherinferior Sun 01-Sep-13 19:39:09

I think you don't want to go, so don't go. You don't have to talk yourself into anything - or owe it to anyone. Do what your instincts are telling you to do and stay well away!

And plan something else for that day.

I'm so sorry.

NeedaWee Sun 01-Sep-13 19:43:35

Could you just go to the wedding ceremony where you would have little to do with him, but not go to the reception which is after all less important

largeginandtonic Sun 01-Sep-13 19:44:10

I don't get it. I really don't. If someone did that to someone I vaguely know let alone my fecking SISTER I would be a million miles away from them.

I'm so sorry. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't stand there with him. Poor you.

TakingThePea Sun 01-Sep-13 19:46:55

I really cannot believe there are people here saying "wellll....you should have asked first" ...

If my father sexually abused ANY 8 year old child LET ALONE my own sister I would have NADA to do with him....I can't even imagine wanting him near my wedding! I would consider my relationship with my sister if she couldn't understand why I didn't want to be near my childhood abuser

Genuinely shocked here

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 19:48:47

I don't get it.

Haven't you come across children forgiving their parents of the most awful neglect and abuse? It's heartbreaking. I can't blame the bride here, I can only find blame with him.

disguiseno1 Sun 01-Sep-13 19:55:07

This wedding is probably going to force a lot of home truths to the surface. Its not ever spoken about between me and my sister. I accepted she had a relationship with him, even though it does comprise a little bit about how i feel about her, but since i had no contact with him I didn't want to rock the boat. The fact that it is likely to cause a full scale rift is probably one of the reasons that its just always been swept under the carpet.

RandomMess Sun 01-Sep-13 19:58:43

disguiseno I really think whatever you do it's going to be so rough on you so please book yourself in with a counsellor to help you through it. I don't think I ever want to have to tell anyone the details of what happened to me - I think you may literally have to be very open with your sister to get through to her as to why you don't want to be in the same room as him ever again.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 01-Sep-13 20:06:35

disguiseno1 I feel for you, this is one of those incredibly painful situations. Many people feel attached to their abusers, especially if the abuser was their parent. I wonder if your sister is not seeing the situation for what it is because it's her biological dad and she is blinded by that love children (although I realise she is no longer a child) often have for their parents. I'm not excusing her behaviour but explaining why she might be so tunnel visioned about this.

Do you feel comfortable attending with certain restrictions or is the idea of being in a room with him too much? Only you can answer that, there is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes you have to be selfish to keep your sanity intact and if your sister truly loves you, she will understand that.

flowers for you.

foxieloxie Sun 01-Sep-13 20:08:07

Personally, I wouldn't go and I think those suggesting you should are deluded! I'm sorry for what you went through OP.
Just wondered have you seen him since you were a child? I wonder if seeing him again face to face might stir memories and emotions you thought were in the past, and If you feel you have come to terms with it now however many years later, I wouldn't want you to take a step back and put your mental health and well-being at risk for the sake of keeping your family happy. You need to put yourself first now

Vivacia Sun 01-Sep-13 20:10:47

Just wondered have you seen him since you were a child?

She's already said that she sees him around town but is able to avoid him.

"Dmum and other siblings would be understanding. But Dsis not so much. But she has form for being unreasonable and we kinda all accept thats how she is!"

Truly, time to stop accepting her being unreasonable. I think you are amazing for not standing there screaming uncontrollably at her complete fuckwitedness. You have been at the receiving end of so much unreasonableness (I am totally aghast at your posts of 19.10 and 19.37) from your entire family, it really is time for you to put yourself first here. Personally, I would be telling her that I would not be at her wedding, and that her bahaviour was extremely hurtful.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Sun 01-Sep-13 20:26:33

Are you sure you sister understands exactly what happened?

I don't think you you should go, but you need to give your sister tge option of which of you attends.

You cannot go and listen to him giving a speech and being tge proud dad.

Famzilla Sun 01-Sep-13 21:23:50

I cannot believe the people on this thread minimising what has happened and guilting the OP into not upsetting her sister.

The bloke sexually abused a CHILD.

Wtf is wrong with people.

I agree Fam, some of the comments on this thread are shocking.

MistressDeeCee Sun 01-Sep-13 21:42:31

OP - don't go. Life really, really is too short to compromise your own happiness and peace of mind so as to appease other people. There comes a time in life to know, your wellbeing is important. Look after it.

I'd drop out of this unkind situation without a qualm. Better that, than going along with it feeling like crap on the day then going over & over the unhappy trauma of it all in your mind for ages afterwards. & I wouldn't care what sis/family think about it either.

Spend the day somewhere nice, pampering yourself

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 01-Sep-13 21:45:55

I don't agree that people are minimising the abuse OP suffered, although there have been some off comments. I think that there is a very complex dynamic when children have been abused by parents/step-parents and most people don't understand that. The sister has the right to have a relationship with her father but not at OP's detriment.

ResNullius Sun 01-Sep-13 21:46:42

MissStrawberry
^ it isn't about "winning." Do you really really think it is and is that easy?^

I don't pretend to understand recovering from SA, MissS. But I do come from a seriously abusive childhood, and equally abusive XH, so I have more than a bit of understanding sad
We all have different routes to finding peace. We all have different coping mechanisms. Some people are able to confront,. others are not. I wasn't - as it happens.
However, I had to face it head on for my daughters wedding. It was mind boggling hard to get there on the day ....but I did, for DDs sake, and because I would not let him win by ruining yet another thing in my life. So for me, yes it is about that. He took every other thing, and I was damned if I would let him take that day.
And you know what. It was OK. I got through it, And he didn't 'win', Thats how I felt about it. For me,

I made it very clear in my post that OP might not be in a place to make that an option ....but it doesn't stop me hoping that she may be. Because why should she have to miss something she wants to do ...because of this man?
Its not about whether its right or wrong for her to go. Its what she says she really wants ...if it were not for this neanderthal excuse for a human being.

SeaSickSal Sun 01-Sep-13 21:50:42

Don't go. Tell her that you won't go or be MoH if he is there. TBH I think that if she can't understand why you can't do this and be understanding then she doesn't really deserve you there.

I'm normally all for people letting bygones be bygones for a wedding, but where there's been abuse and beatings it's not fair on you or your mother to have him there.

blondieminx Sun 01-Sep-13 21:54:12

What whereyouleftit said, with bells on.

Simply state that you will not be in the same aisle as the man who sexually abused you as a child.

Any chance of getting away from it all by doing something you'd always wanted to do instead (hot air balloon ride or whatever?)

You might want to start a thread in Relationships to get support with managing your relatives in the future. So sorry you went through such a horrible time.

pianodoodle Sun 01-Sep-13 21:59:29

I would absolutely not go either OP. I can't imagine wanting to be near someone who had abused me and my mother like that.

I think your sister is putting you in a very awkward position but you should put disappointing her for a day to one side. If she doesn't understand now maybe she will in the future but that shouldn't be your main worry.

TiredFeet Sun 01-Sep-13 22:11:21

I think it would be completely understandable to decide not to go, and you would have nothing to apologise for. I think she should have had the courtesy to warn you/ consult with you about this from the outset.

searching4serenity Sun 01-Sep-13 22:17:44

I guess the dsis isn't thinking clearly, is in denial... But it doesn't mean that your feelings are less important.

I think you could feel terrible afterwards... If you did go. You're more important than appeasing ppl in this situation.

If it was me I would not attend, try to explain why, celebrate the wedding in your own way, and get out of town for the weekend.

The counselling sounds like a good idea; whatever you decide to do.

Best of luck OP. I hope he gets his comeuppance someday.

searching4serenity Sun 01-Sep-13 22:18:32

Abd I think one day she might even understand...

WilsonFrickett Sun 01-Sep-13 22:19:30

Sorry, I've been out and thank you op for your response to my earlier post. If you believe she is welcoming him in to the ceremony, competely of her own volition, then there's nothing to be gained in discussing it further I guess, which is terribly sad. It feels like you are being punished twice. But of course YANBU in not going to the wedding.

That said, there will be repercussions - I think you know this, you've mentioned it in your posts. Do you have RL support to help you through the inevitable shitstorm? ((hugs))

beepoff Sun 01-Sep-13 22:26:13

OP I don't think I'd go in your shoes. Doesn't matter if the wedding is tomorrow or in 5 years' time - you do what's right for you.

Is it possible as your sis found out about it when she was young she has forgotten or minimised what happened?

I'm annoyed at the prats on this thread saying "why didn't you think to ask if he'd be there?". Deeply unhelpful and irrelevant.

georgettemagritte Sun 01-Sep-13 22:46:38

I'm so sorry for what happened to you! I don't think you should go. Those on this thread suggesting that you could go with certain rules etc. are well-meaning, but they are treating this like a run of the mill family/ relationship/wedding AIBU: this is a totally different situation. Pagwatch has summed it up very well. For you to go is for you to have to collude in pretending it didn't happen and in others' fantasies of a normal family all over again: and you don't have to, OP - in fact you absolutely shouldn't. You protected your sister's fantasies as a child: she is now an adult, and she mustn't be protected now. Now you get to protect yourself, and the child that you were. You should try not to feel any guilt about this: DSis will deal with it, and her life will go on; and you will feel so much better for not having gone, and having been true to yourself and what happened to you. Love and strength to you OP!

EldritchCleavage Sun 01-Sep-13 22:59:49

I would never, never, put myself in the same room as my abuser. I can't imagine what it would be like for you, OP, to try and do that. Add the drink, and the prospect of home truths coming to the surface, and it sounds like a very bad idea indeed.

In fact, some kind of 'fall-out' seems inevitable, so why not take yours now (by telling your sister you won't be there) rather than on the day with witnesses and booze and the prospect of a horrible public confrontation?

I'm shocked and really sad to read some of the responses on this thread.

They can only be by people who have absolutely no clue. Talk about minimising!

OP, I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. You must put yourself first in this situation. Don't go.

If your dsis falls out with you because of it well, that's her lookout. It's not for you to put up and shut up because of her speshul day!

because well she doesn't think what he did was that bad

^

You owe her nothing. And whilst I don't and wouldn't blame her for anything, she really shouldn't blame you for not attending.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Sun 01-Sep-13 23:08:35

It's a party. At the end of the day, it's a fucking party and that's what people focus on? Seriously?

Your sister is willing to cause a huge rift with you, because you don't want to go to a party with the man who sexually abused you.

She needs help.

NoComet Sun 01-Sep-13 23:09:43

Personally I think the OP should be her sisters MofH, not to do so perpetrates are step fathers evil into the future. He has no right to ruin their relationship. He has no rights of anykind.

For those who glibly say the OPs sister should face up to what her father did it's not that simple.

Almost 40 years later and with the perpetrator a pile of ashes for almost 20 the secrets of childhood can keep their grip and conversations remain in had.

NoComet Sun 01-Sep-13 23:10:48

Un-had.

KittyLane1 Sun 01-Sep-13 23:19:36

Dear OP,

the last thing in the world I would go to is this wedding. It's only a wedding, as someone said, they will be married with or without you.

Please imagine the situations you will be in. Your sitting at your table, he comes over to talk to someone. He rests his hand on the back of your chair.

Your standing at the bar, he stands close behind you. You feel his breath of your neck.

You go to the toilets, he is standing in the hall.

And of course, the speeches. When he stands up in front of everyone. All eyes on him. He goes on about how much he loves your sister. Recalls funny stories. Then points you out to the room, tells them how he raised you as well. How much he loves you.

Abusers are very manipulative. Often charming and charismatic. They hate to lose control.

Don't give him that opportunity. Don't do that to yourself. The only way I would consent to being alone with a former abuser is if I had a gun, and he didn't.

BlingBang Sun 01-Sep-13 23:22:42

This is so sad. The OP just has to do what she really feels will be best for her - put yourself first here and do what you feel is best for you. Don't think about how it will affect anyone else. personally, I think if it was me I would say no, couldn't imagine being able to go and get anything positive out of it, you would be so uncomfortable and I would worry it would set me back.

Hebemajeebe Sun 01-Sep-13 23:25:32

If course hes the one who should not be going - he should be in prison.

It's outrageous that anyone should expect you to be anywhere near him.

Angloamerican Mon 02-Sep-13 00:25:30

Completely agree with Famzilla. I wouldn't go. I am speechless with disgust that your sister would think it appropriate for you to tolerate a day in close quarters with your abuser. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

olidusUrsus Mon 02-Sep-13 00:31:59

Fuck the wedding. Please, please do yourself a favour and don't go.

NoComet Mon 02-Sep-13 00:57:10

I'm guessing the OPs sister was younger than her. These events almost certainly happened when she was primary age, perhaps as young as 5 or 6.

A frightened primary child would try to justify and minimise what she saw and heard. Children that age love their parents unconditionally and need them however they behave. Children also have an incredible loyalty to other family members.

Think of it as a kind of self inflicted brain washing if you like. It's very powerful, it isn't undone by having your 18th birthday.

I think time does help, as does the deaths of those involved directly or simply also in denial. But I'm talking serious amounts of time, forty years and still some things have not been said.

Juvenilesuccess Mon 02-Sep-13 08:22:05

Op, I've been a lurker for a while and your post has moved me to do my first message. I am shocked and saddened by suggestions that you should continue to be MoH and attend the wedding. Your emotional well being is far more important that your sisters desire to play happy families for the day. Please put yourself first and do not go to the wedding.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 02-Sep-13 08:32:18

What a horrible situation.

of course your sister should be told and understand exactly what crime he committed - how else can he be kept away from other children? Whether her future ones, or at the wedding.

Of course you should not feel obliged to keep up a front.

However, if I were you, and there was the prospect of someone getting drunk and beating the sh1t out of him, I might attend. These things happen at wedding.

I hope you continue to survive and thrive, but put your wishes first.

fluffyraggies Mon 02-Sep-13 08:37:51

star - you are probably right about the psychology of the sisters side of things. I'm no expert but it sounds sound.

However this thread is the OPs thread, not the sisters. The sister is not the one who is struggling. I know you are giving the sisters take on it in an attempt to help OP, but i think it's time folk concentrated on disguise now. And not ask her to 'understand' and 'make allowances' for every other bugger one else ... as she seems to have been made to do all her childhood sad

This is her time now. She's had a shit childhood ... it's her turn to come first. If that means her sister going without a MoH then so be it i'm afraid.

senua Mon 02-Sep-13 08:56:18

Would it work if:
You carry on helping DSis to organise the wedding; give her your practical, helpful support.
Attend the wedding as any-other-guest, not as MoH, so you don't have to put on a front of happy families and 'sanction' his presence.
Leave after the service, maybe before the photos.

That way you can be there for your DSis but see no more of dad than you normally do around town. You honour her wedding but skip the party.

namechangesforthehardstuff Mon 02-Sep-13 09:12:21

Disclaimer - I have not RTFT,not all of it anyway. But am shock at people saying you should go, as if her wedding trumps a sexual (and other physical and emotional) assault on a child. WTF?

And I think that you are right to think it will normalise your relationship for those who see you in the same place as this awful person. Be kind to the eight year old girl in you and DON'T GO.

So glad to see more and more posters speaking sense here, I was really worried there!

Ezio Mon 02-Sep-13 12:53:58

Theres no way i could stand there faking a smile, knowing the man who abused me, was grinning away, thinking hes the best, father of the bride.

OP, if you can bear to be around that man, then dont be, i wouldnt be in the same situ.

AdmiralData Mon 02-Sep-13 13:13:15

Funny side? Seriously? There is never a funny side to abuse - ever. You are under ZERO, ZILCH, NIL obligation to go OP. As another poster mentioned, I wouldn't put myself under the same roof as my abuser! Regardless of your sisters 'speshul day' she should have considered your feelings.
Stay home, eat pizza and watch a good film (I am extremely boring btw ;) )
Good luck OP

quoteunquote Mon 02-Sep-13 13:30:40

Don't go,

Let your sister know why,

Terribly wrong of her to invite your abuser anywhere near you.

Send a card wish her luck, but in future be aware she doesn't have any understanding of what you have been through, so be careful she doesn't have the opportunity to put in any more terrible positions.

MistressDeeCee Mon 02-Sep-13 15:21:03

Its the be there for your DSis posts that are absolutely causing my jaw to drop.

Honestly..does a person getting married in your family mean glossing over the way they've been completely & utterly insensitive to your needs? Be there at all costs just so family relations & pics look oh so good to everybody else?

Why not go the whole hog, make sure the abuser feels nice n comfortable on this beautiful day when he's in the limelight as the perfect father giving away his daughter. & I don't buy that its all for DSis sake either, particularly as its quite clear she couldn't care less how OP feels. & why exactly should this farcical situation be ok anyway? Just because she's getting married? Is that the be all & end all?

I can't believe ANYBODY feels the OP, who's been through quite enough thank you, should stand within even 1 mile of a person who abused her sexually, emotionally & physically. Just for the sake of a wedding?!! NOTHING is worth it.

No person has the right to intimate that there are some situations where its fine for a victim to be in the vicinity of the child abuser who tainted her childhood. Because if that's the case then our children are lost if the message is * its ok for certain occasions *.

Don't go, please. You will cause yourself so much stress and hurt and it wouldn't be worth it. Write down all the points you have made here, get them into a letter format and hand it to your sister and ask her to discuss it with you once she's read it. Maybe when she has the cold hard facts in front of her she may appreciate what's she's asking you to do and understand why you can't be involved.

Make yourself a date to do something lovely on that day - trip to the beach, shopping, cinema, anything to keep you busy and give you a nice memory. I wish you all the best.

NoComet Mon 02-Sep-13 17:13:22

I'm giving the sisters side of this because in the future that's what has to be sorted out for happy family relationships.

And in the future happy family relationships matter far more.

One day, hopefully the OP and her sister will have children of their own. Those children will be cousins, cousins who must never be alone with their 'grandfather' and cousins who's family need to understand why.

That conversation is incredibly difficult and will only be made harder if everyone fell out over a wedding. If people don't want to face the truth, small slights are what they cling to.

Of course it would be great if you could just get the abusive bastard locked up, but often the world doesn't work quite like that and everyone knowing and believing that terrible wrongs were done is all there is.

MistressDeeCee Mon 02-Sep-13 17:26:41

The onus is not on the OP to be on hand informing all future generations of children, of the trauma she suffered. Its a known situation. She has a mother, sister, & other relatives who know.

As a victim (lest that aspect be forgotten),exactly how much of a load is she expected to carry, I wonder? Or doesn't she matter? She can be brushed aside as long as nobody else is? Should she know her place as an appeaser/people pleaser? Double punishment raking it all up, perhaps?

I'm sure she feels just brilliant at the moment. Sole reponsibility for mending family relations, at that. Wow. May as well stamp * I don't matter * on her forehead.

She very possibly won't die if she doesn't have a relationship with DSis, who hardly sounds easy to get along with or as if she gives a shit how OP feels. Weird.

Don't go OP - keep as far away from your abuser as possible, and look out for your own wellbeing if nobody else will. You deserve to feel safe, and happy

BMW6 Mon 02-Sep-13 17:32:11

No way would I go. I also think that if your step sis had any depth of feeling for you then at the least she would be disappointed that you couldn't attend, but totally understanding.
Personally I am shocked that she knows that her father is a paedophile, yet she wants him to give her away at her wedding........

Are you ok OP?

NoComet Mon 02-Sep-13 20:06:55

You can know things, but having the courage to admit them publicly (or even to yourself) is quite another.

Pedophiles make victims of the siblings they don't abuse and the wives they betray. They even make victims of children born after their deaths, who are left wondering why extended family relationships are inexplicably strained.

BlueStones Mon 02-Sep-13 22:01:31

No-one is "falling out over a wedding", Startail. If OP's sister chooses to fall out with OP, then that fall out is because OP's sister has chosen to minimise the sexual abuse of her sibling, and because the abuser will not accept the consequences of his own criminal behaviour.

disguiseno1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:22:25

Thanks for all the positive messages.

We both have dc. My dc have nothing to do with dsis dad.

But have spoken to dsis today who explained to me that he has only ever been good to her (except when he is a verbal arse to her) and he has never hurt her or her dc. First she only had my word against his, and then after explaining that no, he'd actually admitted what he had done, she then waffled something about drunk and accident. So i pressed home the point that her df was a child beating paedo and she got upset. Ultimately I wasn't going to be attending wedding.

This will probably out me but to cut a long story short she has now cancelled wedding. Not sure how i feel at the moment.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:27:07

You can't feel guilty for what your sister hass done. Your mother (and step'father') have taught her her entire life that if you feel awful enough, you'll fall into line. This is (whether subconscious or not) merely another form of severe pressure and guilt tripping. Trying to make you feel you 'ruined' everything so if you just STFU everyone will be happy.

She can't accept what her father is, that's her problem. Don't let her make it yours.

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 22:27:31

Wow you are so brave disguise (hugs)

It must have hurt so much for her first to say it was your word against his and then down play it as drunk and accident.

You have done nothing wrong. No matter what happens next you are strong, brave and honest.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:28:04

Btw, that's my 'calm' post because I really feel like ripping your sister a new one, but that won't make you feel better so it'll stay in my head! wink for now

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 22:29:55

Btw, that's my 'calm' post because I really feel like ripping your sister a new one, but that won't make you feel better so it'll stay in my head! wink for now

hear hear Special

disguiseno1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:34:01

Thats ok special, as much as i do love my dsis, i really had to restrain myself today and i wanted to fucking rip her a new one myself.

Basically she tried denial then blaming everyone else without so much as just accepting what her df is.

She mentioned about what to say to people who would obviously ask why i wasnt at her wedding, so i said the truth. Which i dont think she could really do without making herself look like a twunt.

If she truely cancels her wedding then im not sure what she will tell people.

AgentZigzag Mon 02-Sep-13 22:36:32

Blimey, cancelled the wedding?? shock

I didn't see that one coming.

And I suppose it'll all be blamed on you disguise?

Don't you bloody take any responsibility for it, not one jot. Just keep on with the same line that he's the one who did it and she's the one who cancelled (which looks completely OTT to me).

You're totally entitled to feel how you do, don't let them tell you otherwise.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:17

Ahh I knew she hadn't really cancelled it. It's just a ploy.

She hasn't tried to get refunds, sent out 'it's off' notes/texts? Didn't think so.

She's waiting for you to get on your knees and tell her how unreasonable you are. Don't.

She clearly wants to be princess for a day with perfect parents. She doesn't have that luxury and she shouldn't be bullying you into this. All the obvious stuff aside (like the poster who said he'll go out of his way to interact with you) once booze is involved this is going to hell in a handbasket anyway.

The fact she has children makes this even worse IMO. angry

Don't crack. Protect yourself, since it seems no one else in your family will!

AgentZigzag Mon 02-Sep-13 22:38:44

I'm sure her cancelling is just a threat to try and make you do what she wants.

But if she does, that's her choice, you haven't forced her (an adult) into doing anything.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:42:36

Exactly Agent

She's mirroring what her mother did when OP was 14.

She's trying to say you'll ruin everything if you don't 'let' him come. It's the exact same scenario!

Stand your ground. She'll have her day, but brace yourself for the almighty tantrums and most likely lies that will happen because you're standing your ground.

disguiseno1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:43:14

She has only told our dmum and our dbro. She has said she understood my reasons but to let her tell people in her own time. Ive just said if that what she feels she has to do then so be it. I dont know what she is going to tell people so not sure whether to prepare for a backlash or not.

BlingBang Mon 02-Sep-13 22:44:05

You handled that well, good for you. Your sister is not the bad one here - she is also a victim but you are a 100% in the right here. Hold your head high and take no responsibility for any fall out.

SpecialAgentCuntSnake Mon 02-Sep-13 22:46:24

So she's told two people who she feels will put pressure on you, but no one else?

Not the bridesmaids and groomsmen who have presumably taken time off work/gotten expensive outfits?

Not her close friends?

Just people who can influence you?

What a coincidence! hmm

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 22:46:25

It's emotional blackmail. 'Look what you have forced me to do now.'

Can you phone any support groups or do you have some close friends you can lean on as from your mother's previous form I think there is going to be a lot more pressure/emotional blackmail/bullying coming your way.

WilsonFrickett Mon 02-Sep-13 22:46:59

She is trying to blackmail and guilt you into doing what she wants. Stand firm. Well done for having the conversation with her, that took a lot of courage.

WilsonFrickett Mon 02-Sep-13 22:48:25

I also hope you have some RL support op, do you? Because the next few days are going to get messy... sad

ToffeeWhirl Mon 02-Sep-13 22:49:48

I'm so sorry you are going through this, disguise. I think you did the right thing and I suspect your sister is being a bit manipulative in cancelling the wedding.

Am still reeling at panda's remark about seeing the funny side.

disguiseno1 Mon 02-Sep-13 22:50:15

No pressure from dmum. She is onside. Dont think dbro would say anything, he tends not to get involved in any family matters. Would i be pushing my luck to ask her what she is going to tell people the reasons behind?

Xales Mon 02-Sep-13 22:52:51

Don't bank on your DM. You thought she was onside when you were 14. Plus everyone accepts what your sister is like so they are going to expect you to back down for her.

bettykt Mon 02-Sep-13 22:55:25

Was your dmum going to attend, knowing what he did to you and her? She and your dbro should be on your side. Be strong Disguise this is between dsis and her dad, you have not caused any of this her dad has. Let's just hope she doesn't let him babysit her children, shudders.

Double Agents e.g. Agentzigzag and SpecialAgent you make a lot of sense.

OP I hope your DSis sees the light. Cancelling the wedding - or more accurately threatening to cancel - is pure Bridezilla behaviour which is absolutely shocking given your background.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Mon 02-Sep-13 23:04:44

OP I read your thread last night but didn't comment as I didn't feel that I had anything useful to say. However after this last update I am furious on your behalf and just wanted to say that you need to think of yourself and not respond to any attempts at blackmail or manipulation from your 'd'sis. The other posters have said everything I want to say so much better than I could have, so I just want to echo them. Please please do NOT attend this wedding. Look after yourself, your wellbeing is the most important thing here. Your sister clearly does not give a damn about your feelings so you can afford not to be too concerned about hers.

NoComet Mon 02-Sep-13 23:09:10

What a fucking mess and I bet the man who caused it still doesn't feel a shred of real guilt.

Mmmnotsure Mon 02-Sep-13 23:28:36

Another delurker here.

I would be interested in knowing exactly why she was cancelling the wedding. I've heard of weddings being cancelled if the bride or groom didn't want to be there, but not if a bridesmaid or a MOH chose not to attend!

Hope you manage to stay strong, OP, despite the abysmal behaviour of so many people close to you, family who should be looking after you rather than behaving like this. None of this is your fault: not the original assaults; not the impossible decision imposed on you as a child; not the horrible position you have been put in now. As Hearts says - please look after yourself here.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Mon 02-Sep-13 23:29:23

Oh god that is hideous. I am so sorry they are getting you involved. That he has the front to be there says it all, he doesn't take any responsibility for what he has done because he gets away with everything! Stay away from him, stay away from his facilitators. And stay strong. Just my opinion!! I went to my dads wedding this weekend, nowhere NEAR as dicey circumstances, and it ended up a mess. I hate guilt, I hate controlling people, and I can't begin to say what I think about your df and dsis. I get that it's not her fault, but FFS, she likes you enough to ask you to be MoH but not enough to protect you from your abuser. Wtaf.

AgentZigzag Tue 03-Sep-13 01:17:53

'I've heard of weddings being cancelled if the bride or groom didn't want to be there, but not if a bridesmaid or a MOH chose not to attend!'

That's very true, this is just foot stamping, pure and simple.

I can't believe she's got the audacity to fucking argue the point with you disguise, but her choice of what to foot stamp about is insensitive at the very least (given that she's probably messed up as well having to live the scrote).

Xales Tue 03-Sep-13 09:48:34

Morning OP. I hope you managed to get some sleep. I know we are not as good as a real life hand hold and hug but there will always be someone here for you to vent to if you ever want.

Some of us have been through a similar childhood so even though it affects everyone different we will understand!

diddl Tue 03-Sep-13 10:02:18

She can still get married, without OP, her mum, brother....

Indeed as long as the groom turns up!

She might want certain people there-but the wedding can happen without them!

OP-how horrible for all of you.

You have done the right thing.

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