to not want a visit from dh 's relatives at 33 weeks pregnant.

(71 Posts)
Frecklesandspecs Sat 31-Aug-13 21:13:55

First things first....I love dh's famy but they are hard work when they come to stay. They are not English and though they are very nice I do find their visits a bit stressful. They always seem to turn up in the UK when I am heavily pregnant. This time 4 of them want to come and stay next weekend in our 3 bed smallish house for a few nights! We have a nearly four year old and a two year old and I am pretty knackered most days. I have also had some complications this pregncy to make things worse.
Their stays are made hard for me as they like food but not English food to the extent that the one Aunty preferred to eat some African food at my table she had taken off the plane to the dinner I had slaved at all morning and me having to make tons of food not even knowing if they Will eat it! They pretty much expect to be waited on hand and foot by the wife (me) and apparently have tons of luggage.

I feel like I don't need this right now.
I am supposed to be taking it easy with placenta previa but this is stressing me out already and they aren't even here yet!

Euphemia Sat 31-Aug-13 21:16:47

I would say either they stay in a B&B, or DH looks after them. You've got enough to deal with.

SweepTheHalls Sat 31-Aug-13 21:16:59

Time to suggest a travel lodge smile

littlewhitebag Sat 31-Aug-13 21:17:15

Could you get DH to tell them that if they come you won't be up to cooking for them and doing other stuff and that they will actually have to help you out with the kids and the cooking etc? If they are not happy with that then they can make alternative arrangements.

They could stay in a hotel/B&B/apartment somewhere and just pop in to see you. Might be best all round.

jkklpu Sat 31-Aug-13 21:17:38

This sounds very stressful. How close are the relatives? What role does your dh play when they come to stay? Can you ask him to warn them that they will need to cook/eat out themselves this time around as you aren't up to doing it all? Otherwise, he should be doing it.

FastWindow Sat 31-Aug-13 21:18:11

Would it be out of the question to get your dh to ask them to stay in a hotel just this once? (and then every time thereafter as you'll have three dcs!)

And hang on... Six adults and two children plus one on the way in a three bed house? How would that even work?!

Sunnysummer Sat 31-Aug-13 21:18:26

YANBU, especially with the 4 and 2 yo! DH should be the one to tell them, and if he won't, then at minimum he should be one doing the cooking and the waiting hand and foot.

HansieMom Sat 31-Aug-13 21:18:31

I was 34 weeks with placenta previa when I hemorrhaged and had an emergency C section. The uterus pulls up at that point in pregnancy and can tear placenta loose. How about no, not possible for you to stay?

FastWindow Sat 31-Aug-13 21:19:03

Many x posts!! Must type faster.

TarkaTheOtter Sat 31-Aug-13 21:21:57

Not a chance with placenta previa. You are supposed to be resting.

Frecklesandspecs Sat 31-Aug-13 21:26:13

The family are not that close. It is an Aunty and uncle and their teenage children. They only see each other once or twice a year.
Dh would mainly sit and talk to them. Would help some with kids but not withcooking or waiting!

Its not even as if I can shut myself in the kitchen by myself and curse and swear under my breath because our lounge and kItchen are open space :-(

Euphemia Sat 31-Aug-13 21:30:17

Say NO.

Amy106 Sat 31-Aug-13 21:30:51

Of course they can't stay with you. You should be resting as much as possible not adding guests to your stress level. If they must come now, they need to be staying at a B and B or a hotel and not expect home cooked meals or being waited on hand and foot. Maybe they could go out with your dc and dh during the day leaving you time to yourself. It is dh's job to tell them this right away.

I would say with placenta praevia not a chance in hell. I gave birth to DD at 31+6 (placenta praevia) after a massive bleed, and all I was doing by that point was lying in a hospital bed all day.

You really really don't want to push it with placenta praevia - tell DH they will not be staying, and if they come over, you will not be running around after them.

Frecklesandspecs Sat 31-Aug-13 21:32:04

I know hansie and turka. I haven't told my mum yet but I know she won't be happy with them. I had small bleed at 20 weeks. Nothing since but next scan at 34 wks. I don't really think Dh understands it or the stressing it does me!
I'llsee what I can do. If worst comes to worst I wll go and stay with my neighbour I think!

MakeGlutenFreeHay Sat 31-Aug-13 21:34:19

Definitely not with placenta previa. Risk too high. Surely they would understand that? If not, your DH will and he will have to get firm.... Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy (I feel your pain being pg with a 4 and 2 year old - I've never been so tired!).

Frecklesandspecs Sat 31-Aug-13 21:34:48

Sorry to change subject t but those of you who had pp did you have bleeds before the big one? Or was it sudden? Was it complete pp or partial/ marginal? Ty x

helenthemadex Sat 31-Aug-13 21:35:23

absolutely no way, tell your dh that you will go and stay somewhere else if they come

Frecklesandspecs Sat 31-Aug-13 21:36:04

In fact his uncle is a Dr so he should understand !:-$

Inertia Sat 31-Aug-13 21:42:47

You have to say no.

You cannot jeopardise your own health and that of your unborn child by slaving for 5 adults and 2 small children.

Given what you've said about your DH and how he customarily behaves around these relatives, he might say that he'd help but in reality would do little. And they wouldn't help at all.

TBH I would leave DH in charge of the children and the house and take yourself off to visit your mum (or other sympathetic friend or relative) to get some bed rest for the duration of their stay.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Sat 31-Aug-13 21:53:39

Say no - even without the pp the answer should be no. Your house really isn't big enough and you shouldn't be waiting on anyone.

Best if luck with the pregnancy.

Complete pp in my case. I had a biggish bleed at 26 weeks, and had to stay in hospital for a week, which was when they diagnosed pp (and placenta accreta). Stayed in for a week with no more bleeds, and was allowed home. Was home for 24 hours before being whisked back, sirens screaming, with another bleed. Bleed tailed off again over about 4 days, then had another, and kept having bleeding / clots over the next few weeks while I got very bored in hospital and tried to stay pregnant as long as I could. Final bleed came at 3am, and it was a very good thing I was in hospital - placenta abrupted, crash section and massive haemorrhage.

I don't mean to scare you, and in some cases it will all be fine and you make to planned c-section with no further probs ( friend I made in hospital did). But it is serious, and you do need to take care of yourself.

Frecklesandspecs Sat 31-Aug-13 22:35:46

Thankyou all. So glad I can come and moan on mn and get everyone on my side;-)
I Will defo have to talk about it with Dh.
I only have partial/marginal pp but ob said high risk of bleeding as I am also on anticoagulants for bloodclotting so feel like a bit of a time bomb at the mo though am sure it Will be fine and moved up by next scan.
I feel empowered now to try and talk them out of it. Ty mn's !

Frecklesandspecs Sat 31-Aug-13 22:37:08

Inertia - that is correct. He would!

Book yourself into a travel lodge.

LayMeDown Sat 31-Aug-13 22:50:26

I saw your title and I thought YWBU unreasonable not to have them visit just because you are pregnant. Then I read your post.
This is not a visit for a couple of hours, it is a family coming to stay. I lived in a small 3 bed with a 4 year old and a 2 year old and we never would have fitted another whole family.
Even without the pp, even if you weren't pregnant at all, even if they didn't want serving and waiting on hand and foot, I wouldn't agree to this. It's too much.
Say No. And frankly it's fucking unbelievable that your DH is countenancing this. I'd be having VERY STRONG words.

cory Sat 31-Aug-13 23:09:03

If you have pp and a high risk of bleeding, your dh should be waiting on you, never mind any relatives.

maddening Sun 01-Sep-13 00:01:28

I would decamp to my parent's house with the dc and meet up at restaurants with the dc and dh and his family.

Strokethefurrywall Sun 01-Sep-13 00:35:38

Er absolutely not.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 07:13:19

Spoke to him last night and be says he can't turn them away since they have come a long way. Thinks 3 of them Will sleep in spare room with two on floor and onein girls room on floor! The thing that annoys me is I wasn't asked but just told and expected to do it!

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 07:18:00

I wish I could but my mum lives 3 hours away from us! I like the travel lodge idea but then I would be seen as the terrible wife. in a multicultural family isn't easy at times!

Catsize Sun 01-Sep-13 07:23:33

I was going to say what inertia said. All sounds a bit bonkers. Can only hope this has been planned for a long time, before you found out about these problems.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 01-Sep-13 07:26:20

Why is he getting a say over your health & that of gis unborn baby?

When was this trip planned, did he not discuss it with you?

Regardless of your mum being 3 hrs away I would be packng my bags& going with the little ones.

Sod being seen as a bad wife.

ZenGardener Sun 01-Sep-13 07:26:51

I don't know what culture they are from my husband is also from a different culture.

I would say that you spoke to your doctor by phone and he said strictly no visitors.

In my husband's culture the word of a doctor is taken as law perhaps your husban's relatives feel the same?

nextphase Sun 01-Sep-13 07:28:30

It sounds like they ARE coming, so you need to work out how to make it as easy for you as possible.

How would they react if an online shop delivered a load of pizzas and other really easy food, and you just left them to it, you lounging on the sofa / in bed.
Could you also find some day trips out to pack everyone off to, leaving you at home on your own?

DH needs to be told up front you are NOT pandering to them, and how things are going to work. It probably won't go down very well, but you need to stay strong and think of you and DC3.

EeyoreIsh Sun 01-Sep-13 07:30:43

Having read your post I think you still have to put your foot down. If your DH has already said yes then it's up to him to sort out alternative accommodation. It's clear you can't host like you might normally and so alternative arrangements will have to be found.

Lweji Sun 01-Sep-13 07:35:33

Ok, I've seen that you can't turn them away.

So, claim placenta previa and bleeding and stay in bed the whole time on doctor's orders.

Let your OH wait on them or tell them you expect them to cook.
Or find a b&b.

Your OH should support you, or you are allowed to kick off big time.

I did say no to a friend staying 3 weeks before the due date because I just wouldn't relax, and what the baby was born early?

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 07:38:00

He told me yesterday so no it has not been long planned.
Nigerian zen. Many of family are dr's but 'women's stuff' not really talked about among male populus?! Iyswim.
nextphase :-( big no no! It won't be just dinner either but breakfast, lunch and tea! If it were my family I would though! ;-)

Lweji Sun 01-Sep-13 07:41:06

Reading back, recalling to a b&b or to your mother's is probably your best bet.
Without the children.
You are allowed.

Never mind the bad wife. You are the sick wife.

If you can't bring yourself to do it, thank them for coming to help you, sit in bed and demand your meals.

Inertia Sun 01-Sep-13 07:42:58

You really do have to be absolutely clear with your husband about this. Cultural tradition should not mean putting the health of a heavily pregnant woman at risk.

If you really can't go to your mum's I would be tempted to greet the visitors by telling them how grateful you are that they have arrived to help your husband out while you are ill with this pregnancy- related condition, then take to your bed.

Timeforabiscuit Sun 01-Sep-13 07:43:05

Freckles from your posts you sound like a strong person, yes there is the expectation from extended family that you should be a hostess - but although that obligation is placed on you it doesn't have to be accepted by you.

Can you call the Aunty before the visit and say that due to a difficult pregnancy the teenagers will need to help around the house, that Aunty would need to take care of cooking as you need to have bed rest in the later stages of your pregnancy.

I think you're up to be being "the bad wife" as the stakes are very high on this.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 07:44:38

I like the replies! I did say I could move out for the weekend! Maybe I should get a dr's note, frame it and put it on the mantlepiece, go to a travel lodge on my own and them all to it!

cantreachmytoes Sun 01-Sep-13 07:44:41

Ok, so simple solution: YOU go to the hotel! Go alone, no kids, feet up, order room service and relax. Let him deal with it all.

Or go to a friends, or your parents. Don't take the kids though. You're supposed to be relaxing and it's not because you need a spa day, it's to avoid potentially SERIOUS health problems for you and your unborn baby. I had to spell out the worst case scenario as essentially what would happen if I didn't follow drs orders to my husband for him to get exactly why I was resting.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 07:45:24

*leave them all to it

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 07:48:19

Canreach yes, to the man who stays in bed for a week when he has a cold :-D

Taffeta Sun 01-Sep-13 07:50:34

Phone your mum. Explain situation to her. Allow her, hopefully, to come and collect you and kids to stay at hers for the weekend.

This isn't rude, it's a family visit. It was planned a while ago but you forgot. wink

MakeGlutenFreeHay Sun 01-Sep-13 07:59:44

Absolutely everything they all said. Lay it on the line to dh about what could happen (I feel for you, it must be terrifying). He should absolutely be looking after and protecting you right now, your sofa should be your friend. Be strong!

twinklytoes Sun 01-Sep-13 08:00:42

I think you need to share all the pp stories with your dh. does he realise what pp is?

my story is very similar to yours. 3rd pregnancy, bleed at 21wks followed by 1 week in hospital. it was only a partial then so sent home with scan booked for 34wks. no more bleeds until a rather big one at 31wks. hospital admission, had a scan once bleeding subsided and it was then a pp4. I then stayed in hospital with a section booked for 35wks.

the emotional and practical aspects of that admission fell to my dh. the children still talk about it and my middle dd is still (5yrs later) worried every time I have to go to hospital that I will have to stay in.

ds arrived at 33wks after another bleed and an emergency section . he had a three week stay in scbu and I was sent home after 4 days.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 08:01:17

Timefor, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Taff mum said she would come and help if need be but I would then need to find her somewhere to stay too.
I think you are all right though (obviously!)
Its going to be a nightmare unless plans are changed:-(

Inertia Sun 01-Sep-13 08:03:29

Do you know what?

I would phone the relatives yourself. Explain that you are under doctor's orders to take bed rest due to a high-risk pregnancy. It's really not possible for them to stay with you at this time and you have to put your unborn child first.

You need to do this yourself because your husband clearly won't. And you might find that they are understanding and offer to stay elsewhere. You just need to cut out the middle man. If they won't stay elsewhere, explain that you won't be able to cater for them , it'll be your husband in charge and it'll be the bare basics- and if they are rude enough to insist on coming to stay when told that it doesn't work for the sake of your health, then you should have no worries about appearing rude by decamping elsewhere.

Then I'd start getting bloody angry with DH for over-ruling his wife - multicultural marriage or not, there are two people in it with an equal say.

MakeGlutenFreeHay Sun 01-Sep-13 08:08:58

I like inertia's suggestion, especially the last line.....

I presume it's crossed your mind (and I mean this very gently): what if the activity of having this family causes the worst to happen? You, your dh and his family will never forgive yourselves - you especially. Plans have to be changed, they just have to. And the new plan has to involve you doing NOTHING. At all. I wish I could come and whisk you away to stay with us for a few days so you could ignore them all (are you East Midlands?!). We'd look after you.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 08:12:13

I don't think he realises it can be. I have told him but also not wanted to scare him either. His mum died when he was very young so he doesn't take illness very well. He hates hospitals ect. I was thinking of speaking to his sil but don't want to cause any tension in the family.

MakeGlutenFreeHay Sun 01-Sep-13 08:13:57

Scare him. Better now than if it actually happens because of stress. He had to be a big boy now and understand this. What does he think otherwise, that you are just being difficult?

MakeGlutenFreeHay Sun 01-Sep-13 08:14:32

Has, not had.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 08:14:38

Oh gluten. Bless u. I would gladly come! I am origionally from west midlands but down in LondonLondon now.

Frecklesandspecs Sun 01-Sep-13 08:15:43

Yes. I think he does!

MakeGlutenFreeHay Sun 01-Sep-13 08:20:05

Grrr. Can you print out some information about it (this thread, for instance?!) and slap him round the face with it?! (Tongue-in-cheek, not advocating violence......grin). Seriously, would him reading about it help? I know that my dh leaves much of the research etc on things to me, but will read up on it if I tell him it's important and he has to.

Sorry you are in this situation - not what you need right now, I guess.

Lweji Sun 01-Sep-13 08:21:22

Sorry, but in this case you have to tell him the worst case scenario.

If he doesn't come through, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

But you are responsible for your health and of your baby, so just do what you have to regardless of what others may think.

chillinwithmyyonis Sun 01-Sep-13 08:35:47

At least its only for a few nights, my dp is Nigerian and family visits tend to be for weeks not nights!

You need to be strong though, sit on your bottom and do nothing. Just think, its going to be far more stress for you, dh, your DC if that baby comes premature. Put your feet up with lots of magazines, explain the situation and get them waiting on you.

My best friend had pp at 36 weeks, no warning bleed, just one giant bleed. Baby was delivered by emcs, was very touch and go, my bf needed blood transfusions and a short stay on labour ITU.

2rebecca Sun 01-Sep-13 08:36:34

They may have come a long way but they haven't come all this way just to see you I presume or they'd have checked the timing was convenient. I presume you're just on a "to do" list so can be crossed off if not convenient. I'd be discussing staying elsewhere for a few days if your husband won't tell them to get a hotel. Visitors don't tell people when they are coming especially pregnant ones. There isn't enough room in your house. If they can afford the air fair from Nigeria for 4 they can afford a few nights in a travel lodge.
I don't get why some people think squishing visitors into a too small house is being hospitable and why some visitors expect this. Yes visit people during the day, have a meal together go out together but why this need to stay in their house if there isn't room?

Chesterado Sun 01-Sep-13 08:37:04

Would if help if your DH heard this from a medical professional? Do you have a midwife appt coming up or can you arrange one that your DH us present at - they are usually pretty good at making it clear you need to be taking it easy (especially if you pre-brief them)!

natwebb79 Sun 01-Sep-13 08:55:16

So you're willing to risk the life of your unborn child to keep up appearances because of your husband's family's cultural traditions? When you visit his family in Nigeria are they on a similar forum going 'We're so stressed! DB's coming over with his wife from the UK and because of her cultural traditions the men are expected to help out all week! It's a nightmare!'? Didn't think so! Does your husband always rule the roost whatever the consequences to your health and well being? I'm sorry to sound blunt OP, I can't imagine the stress you're under. I'm just incredibly angry on your behalf. I think he NEEDS scaring - sod the 'oh bless him, he doesn't like hospitals blah blah'. His child could die unless he grows up and puts you first. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

Inertia Sun 01-Sep-13 09:02:03

Better to scare him now so that risks can be minimised , as opposed to pussy- footing around the issue now, you doing too much because of his unfeasible cultural expectations, and ending up with him being bloody terrified that his wife and baby might die.

Euphemia Sun 01-Sep-13 09:11:00

Tell him/them that as they are coming to visit YOU in YOUR country, YOUR cultural expectations are the ones that need to be met.

ShootMeNowPlease Sun 01-Sep-13 09:11:21

OP, if you don't rest you and your baby might die (sorry to be blunt, but that is the risk we're all talking about). If he regards his relatives' expectations as more important than that risk I think you have much worse problems in your marriage than mere unwanted guests. You have to spell out to him (or better, from the sound of things, get a male medical professional to spell out to him) what the risks are if you don't rest, otherwise he'll think you're making a fuss about nothing, you'll react to his view rather than the medical reality and you'll do too much.

Inertia Sun 01-Sep-13 09:52:44

How about suggesting a compromise that doesn't involve the relatives staying ? Presumably they are meeting up with other family members too - and if so you could arrange to pay a visit while they are staying with Auntie Doris, or meet them at a restaurant along one of their journeys.

That way you will still get to see them but you can at least sit.And if you pay it'll still be cheaper than feeding an entire extra family for several days.

I really would speak to your husband's relatives directly - if the uncle is a doctor you could speak to him and he should understand the seriousness , plus he could then explain to your husband. I bet the relatives will be understanding if you explain the problem directly, whereas if your husband tells them he will completely minimise the medical risks.

cantreachmytoes Sun 01-Sep-13 10:00:01

I can sympathise with his dislike of hospitals, as I have panic attacks in them. It is important that he fully understands what he is putting at risk. Just because he doesn't like hospitals, doesn't reduce the risk. I don't think you're helping him, despite the kindness, by minimising it. Midwives and doctors don't tell pregnant women to rest for the sake of it.

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt. I don't want to upset you by reminding you of your situation (I tried to block it from my mind most of the time, but it never really worked), but it is unfair that you shoulder the emotional burden alone. My DH is a good man, but when I was put on moderate bed rest for the end of my pregnancy, he just didn't get it and neither did people who hadn't gone through it themselves. Part of the problem is that you probably feel fine, other than normal pregnancy stuff. You don't feel in a potentially life threatening situation. It sounds like you're doing fine too, which is brilliant, but he needs to understand that if this changes for the worse, the result for him WILL be hospital visits and potentially watching you in a medical emergency. He needs to see that you taking it SUPER EASY is protecting HIM from an awful situation, because of his issues around mother's death. It's not nice, but he needs to be worried.

My mother had PP with my brother when I was 2. She spent three mo this in hospital, because NHS practices were different then (more budget guess) and they just wanted to keep an eye on her. Family had to scribble to look after me, but she was out if the fray. There are clearly distinct advantages to not spending three months in hospital, but the downside is that relatives etc don't seem to get that the situations that require rest are potentially quite serious.

Squitten Sun 01-Sep-13 10:00:46

If you want something to change about this OP, you are going to have step up. You sounds very passive about it!

TELL your DH that he either stops them from coming or you will phone them yourself and do it. If they all decide to overrule you anyway, go to your Mum's!

You can stop this from happening - but you have to ACT.

mummytime Sun 01-Sep-13 10:22:11

My only suggestion is to get either your GP, Consultant or Midwife to speak bluntly to him. He has to know the truth.

My DH has a fear of blood and needles, but was there for me for the birth of all 3 of our children, even the CS. Your DH really does have to understand and take your health seriously (or this is not a marriage worth anything).

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 01-Sep-13 11:29:41

OP -it's all very well you saying you have to live up to expectations or thath you are scared of being seen as a "bad wife" but

<deep breath here> I'm going to be harsh but I think it needs saying


Unlikely I'm sure but always possible that's why they advise caution.

This is not a time for social niceties or cultural sensitivities.

SO your "D"H doesn't like medical talk or hospitals, many don't but you know what if it comes to it he would have to deal with that take a deep breath & cope.

If you can't do it as mumytime says get the MW to spell it out to him.

HansieMom Tue 03-Sep-13 04:16:40

My placenta previa was in 1972. No ultrasounds then. I just suddenly started bleeding at 34 weeks. Worthless incorrect test to locate placenta, said it was at top and to back but really it was at bottom and to front. A partial pp.

So I stayed in hospital with bleeding all night and emergency C section at 5:30 a.m. Skinny little baby boy, critically ill with Hyaline Membrane Disease. We are so lucky he pulled through. He was in NICU two weeks.

Today you would have pp properly diagnosed, get steroids (I had no time for that), and they have surfactant for preemie's lungs.

But baby is much better off staying in utero for weeks. I think you should get your mom down to take care of you as she will look out for you and protect you. Cause your husband is failing at that. And your mom would not be there to cook for the bunch of them either.

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