drunken lessons I have learned...

(64 Posts)

Do not blow out a candle with a nouth full of cheese and crackers.

Generally, going backto your neih.ours for an extra glass iof wein is not necessaey.

If yocpost on mn drhunk, hide tgread immediately afterwards.

Smlhe and tje whole world smipes with you! smile

Oops. Not chat! sad

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 00:38:52

I was only a witness thankfully, but don't light a can of hairspray in a small room in front of someone with enough hairspray on their backcombed hair to start a large bonfire shock

Sleeping bag races down the stairs hurt.

If you're drunk enough not to notice people drawing on you/shaving things/putting furniture on you, it's your own fault.

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 00:39:42

..never post on the wrong section of Mumsnet...
..never seek out your previous Ex's on Facebook
..never phone anyone you know after 9.00 pm
..never attempt to make a Victoria Sponge !!!

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 00:40:30

..and invest in a good spellchecker !!!

EBearhug Sat 31-Aug-13 00:41:31

Don't hold an empty party popper in the candle flame to see if it will melt. Especially not if your hand is underneath.

It will melt, and dripping plastic will give you a permanent scar where it burns your hand.

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 00:43:01

..and from experience ... never fall into the road in front of a Police Car ???

ClothesPegs Sat 31-Aug-13 00:47:52

Do not attempt flaming sambucas with a plastic shot glass... Or put the flame out with the palm of your hand, as above permanent scar...

I hafe to be at work at 9am... sad

* have

Clothes.. a long time ago, i had areputation for lightiny sambuca in my mouth. Alas, i am now old and a lightweight!

And i used to be able to spell!!!

carrotsdotty Sat 31-Aug-13 00:55:43

No matter what impulse for cleaning you have, do not attempt to de-scale the shower screen at 3am. Your family will be unimpressed by your skill.

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 00:58:22

Pizza and melon flavoured vomit..no just no
Tossing your shoes out on the road because you just don't need them anymore
Being placed vomit covered in the bath tub, sobbing to your friend's "Please don't let me die like Jimi Hendrix"
Informing your mum that threesomes aren't all they are cracked up to be

Secretswitch- what did your Mum say?

Do not attempt to paint your radiators very drunk. Radiator paint is easy to knock over and hard to clean off.

aturtlenamedmack Sat 31-Aug-13 01:10:07

Not mine, my dp inspects student houses...
Do not have a BBQ indoors because it is raining, you will not get your deposit back. Not to mention that you might die of carbon monoxide poisoning (they didn't, thank god).

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 01:15:37

...Oh just remembered another one...

Never say "I have not given up Sex to die (on an operating table in Turkey) from Aids" - doesn't go down well with the Locals...

Walked through a glass door and slashed my knee - was carted out to the nearest Hospital (3 hours away through mountainous terrain) to have said injury "attended to" in a "Hospital"..

There were at least 7 people at the end of the bed smoking, drinking coffee and playing cards - it was more like a Party Central in there..

In the end they sewed me up - no drugs or any pain relief and I was then released - only to discover when I got home that I couldn't bend my knee.....

It was only when I went to A&E here that I found out that they had sewed me up with a 2 x 6 inch sliver of glass still embedded in my knee fairly close to the main artery in the my leg....

Don't do it... always put your arms out in front of you when you walk through a door... pissed or not....

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 01:16:20

If ever there was a stressful job aturtle, your DP has it shock

I bet he's seen some sights (which you can tell us more about? grin)

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 01:18:18

BreakOutTheKaraoke, My poor mum put me to bed and then went to ring my auntie. They both sat me down to speak to me about self respect, sex and drink. I was humiliated and ashamed.

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 01:19:29

shock how did they not notice lookover??

Lucky to be alive eh? (and this is how you choose to spend your valuable time? grin)

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 01:21:01

aturtlenamedmack, I bet your husband could tell us some ace stories!
I'm with AgentZigZag, we want more!

aturtlenamedmack Sat 31-Aug-13 01:29:03

There are loads agent mainly with housemates falling out.
An attempted poisoning - household cleaners and bleach put into jars of sauce, apparently he didn't mean for her to eat them hmm
He's inspected houses with parties still going on in them. A house with a pan of ketermine on the table. Rubbish, vomit, rats, fires (almost always hair straighteners) and many, many, many partially clothed or even naked girls answering the door with little inclination to cover themselves up for the rest of the inspection.
And that's just the students, the landlords are much worse, and they're the ones who are actually being inspected!

aturtlenamedmack Sat 31-Aug-13 01:30:08

And poo, a Tupperware box full of poo.

Secretswitch Sat 31-Aug-13 01:32:06

Well, Tupperware does have that magic burp to keep things fresh

WafflyVersatile Sat 31-Aug-13 01:34:00

ironing boards are not ladders and should not be used to attempt to gain access to loft hatches sited above stairs.

farrowandbawl Sat 31-Aug-13 01:39:36

...think it's a good idea to walk home barefoot. In the rain. In winter.

..walk home from the city centre. 15 miles away.

...Do the above together. Twice.

lookoveryourshouldernow Sat 31-Aug-13 01:47:33

At that time in Turkey over 30 years ago it was not the "tourist desination" that it is now... and things were very very BASIC....

I only noticed because I couldn't bend my knee when I got back home to the UK - I realise now that I was very very lucky... and inches away from death....

...the legacy is that years after the event I still can't climb up and downstairs properly...

...and Mumsnet is a distraction from normal life !!!

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 01:59:15

envy turtle, poor bloke, and not one to ever complain about doing his own housework I bet?

"...and Mumsnet is a distraction from normal life !!!"

Agreed grin

But Waffly, transit vans are good for gaining access to first floor windows when they're driven right up on the pavement and someone's stupid enough to climb on top.

Also, it's wrong to think looking down at your feet will help you either walk in a straight line and get you to your destination, or render you impervious to street furniture.

That hedge surfing is never ever a good idea!

One of dh's....

Never go for a piss, forget to tuck yourself away, then todger-dance up the street singing "Do you think I'm sexy" towards a police car. Then, when confronted by the occupants of the police car, do not throw your self over the bonnet, call them rude names, or vomit over yourself & the car. <sigh>

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 02:10:39

YABU tapir, hedge surfing's always a good idea grin

(Until the next morning and the painkiller effect of the alcohol's worn off.)

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 02:11:42

Good night then Tapir? grin

When asked by very nice Police Officers why you are spinning around a parking lot pole, don't shout, "practicing for the Olympics" and fall on the floor laughing. They were very nice about it, thanks goodness.

Zigzag I still have the scars! But aye, twas a fabulous night! grin

Just not so much for dh - esp when they found out that he was also a police officer.

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 02:18:52

Bahahahahaha grin grin

I bet that ribbing went down on his record lest any new colleagues forget.

I prefer the police policing me to be like that, and MrsT's, I like to see them sledging down hillsides and doing dances at the nottinghill carnival.

I saw that video of the Notting Hill carnival and laughed my arse off!

Dh's colleagues have a nice wee list of all the daft stuff he's done whilst drunk - it's quite extensive grin

Dobbiesmum Sat 31-Aug-13 12:17:24

DH's not mine...
Don't try putting your contact lens back in when it inexplicably falls out in the pub. Especially when you've been drinking red wine for 4 hours.
Don't bother trying to clean the living room floor and rug after you've vomited said red wine all over it. At 3am. When you can't see straight anyway but you've already taken your lenses out somehow...
Don't drink red wine (he doesn't now!)
Me many years ago.
It's cold in December. Don't walk home 8 miles at ohmygod o'clock in the morning. That was stupid.

YouTheCat Sat 31-Aug-13 12:25:59

I can't remember any of the drunken lessons I have learned. I was drunk.

I don't think I should have had that one last glass of wine last night.

wonderingsoul Sat 31-Aug-13 13:00:30

that no matter how much your feet hurt do not take your shoes off as they just wont go back on.. esp when theres 4 inchs of snow and you have to walk home.

do not get in the shower when drunk in attempt to sober up when your on your own ... you end up half kneeling half slumped with an expensive water bill an dno hot water.

if a friend is helping you and looking after you and rubbing your back becasue your feeling very drunk... face away from them.. i ouked on her favourite sandles/feet.

most embarssing.. mid way through "happy time" with an ex after i had drunk a bit and not realizing how drunk i was i made a quick dash to the bathroom and threw up in the toielt , bles shis heart thouygh, he held my hair back and sorted me out with water .. before i managed to have a quick shower, brush my teeth and get back at it.
he still rib's me about that,

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:02:33

How are you feeling OP?

Can you 'spell' any better today? wink

YouTheCat Sat 31-Aug-13 13:03:25

I once watched a flatmate from the halls window (I had been ill so was just sitting having a cuppa).

The students' union was across the carpark. She tottered her way across and almost made it back but got waylaid by a very aggressive hedge. The sight of her plummeting sideways with her legs sticking up out of that hedge will amuse me for the rest of my days. grin

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:04:19

Am I tempting fate to mention I've been waiting for someone to say what a bad example your DH is Tapir?

Hmmm maybe just a wee bit Zigzag I wonder how long it'll be..... wink

This is the same man who managed to electrocute himself whilst drunkenly pissing on live electrics......

(So glad that he doesn't drink any more!)

Pawprint Sat 31-Aug-13 13:19:50

Whilst on holiday as a teen, don't get drunk with your brother in a Majorcan bar and attempt to steal glasses.

You will get caught by the manager and your unknowing parents will take you back to the bar the next night for dinner. You will be recognised by the boss and you and your confused-but-suspicious parents will be asked to leave.

Euphemia Sat 31-Aug-13 13:28:28

On no account attempt to trot down the Fleshmarket Close steps drunk, following a major celebration of getting your degree results, for fear of twisting your ankle and having to phone in sick for the first day of your summer job. blush

AgentZigzag Sat 31-Aug-13 13:31:51

I bet those would be amazing to sleeping bag race down Euphemia!

shock at Danger Man, you'd think he'd be careful around the more sensitive areas of his body, defo the right decision to pack it in.

OHforDUCKScake Sat 31-Aug-13 13:33:32

Don't go to a free party, break into the disused neighbouring glass factory with friend, trip over a huge cable while in there, find a bottle of 'whiskey' find out its turps as you are both in your knees hurling this burning liquid thinking "we're going to die and no one knows we broke in here", recover panic and can't find the exit, don't break a windowed door in panic to get out narrowly miss a large pane of glass falling on you, panic more, climb through the window, finally get out, breath a sigh of sweet relief looks back at the glass door you just climbed through and shock yourself and the shards of glass hanging down and be in disbelief that you still have all your digits, limbs and arteries still in tact.

You will get a phone call from your boyfriend and owner of the sound system saying "DUCKS where the fuck are you? I'm worried. Someone's trying to sabotage the party, they broke in the warehouse, pulled out the cable out, the sound system is off, poured spirits everywhere and smashed panes of glass."

Er, yeah that was me. Shhhhhhhn.

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 31-Aug-13 13:37:48

Dont go off on your own, in the dark, whilst at an outdoor quarry party,, right into the bushes to have a wee.

You will fall down a massive hole and no body will notice for 2 hours.

You will also scare yourself stupid thinking there are monsters in the hole and cry for said 2 hours. sad

Was horrendous. Finally people came and found me and dragged me out ( pissing themselves laughing and telling everyone they came across) when I asked my friends why no-one had coe to fina me they said they thought id gone off for a bit of fun with someone.

I had scratches and bruises all over me especcially my face and a briken rib. Was not amused.

Also, dont try to sleep in a bath. You will get a sore neck and accidentally knock the tap with your foot in the middle of the night. ( this will lead to you jumping up and falling over the side of he bath, shouting to anyone who will listen that there is a flood and we must all make a boat. ) good few years ago and still havent livedthat one down. Haha

Ouch Euphemia!

absentmindeddooooodles Sat 31-Aug-13 13:42:38

Sorry about all mistakes. On piddly little phone :-/

Fuzzysnout Sat 31-Aug-13 13:43:38

Don't attempt to take your university tutor home for 'coffee' only to realise that you are too drunk to remember where you live. blush

Ledkr Sat 31-Aug-13 13:45:56

Don't drink 9 bottles of wine with two other mumsnetters and expect to feel ok the next day!!!

DollyTwat Sat 31-Aug-13 13:56:06

Don't invite two other mumsnet yers for a quiet Sunday lunch and expect 9 bottles of wine to be plenty grin

Sophita Sat 31-Aug-13 14:05:24

Don't let yourself be persuaded by mutual friends that it will be ok for you to go to your ex-boyfriend's houseparty. You will see him kissing a girl in the kitchen, and your drunken revenge masterplan will be to go to his bedroom, sticky-tape all his boxer shorts to the ceiling, make a desktop display of his athlete's foot cream & hair-straighteners, and write 'cunt' on his pillow with your lipstick blush

OHforDUCKScake Sat 31-Aug-13 14:06:35



DollyTwat Sat 31-Aug-13 14:14:05

Sophita I think that's brilliant grin

Ledkr Sat 31-Aug-13 14:15:47

Don't be impressed. We were very unwise

sazzle82 Sat 31-Aug-13 14:22:09

Wine is not your friend. Not everyone wants to listen to everything you have to say and you are not the funniest funny person to have ever lived.

Oh, and when your dp's (now DH's) best friend is staying over and has brought his new girlfriend for you to meet make sure you

A) wear a nightie or pyjamas
B) lock the bathroom door
C) do not pass out legs akimbo on said bathroom floor for DH best mate to walk in

To be fair to DH best mate he immediately covered his eyes (in horror) and began shouting over and over for DH. I got up and sauntered out of the bathroom saying 'I'm awfully sorry' and got back in to bed. This incident is known by all our friends and brought up at any get together. It took me months to find it amusing though blush

Sophita Sat 31-Aug-13 14:31:48

DollyTwat - I tend to swing between finding it funny in a 'what went through your mind' way & just feeling awkward... doesn't help that said Ex-boyfriend is now married to former flatmate & delights in telling that story whenever we're around each other.

sazzle82 - I think maybe we all need to write out the first para of your post and pin it to our mirrors! Truer words never spoken!

3lovelykids Sat 31-Aug-13 15:07:10

Do not attempt to prove you can still do a cartwheel at your Bil's 50th after drinking huge amounts of Bacardi. You will definitely land flat on your back on the dance floor. Not good blush

Work is, fortunately, very quiet today! Imagine my suprise though, whilst browsing Mumsnet this afternoon, to come across a thread that I had completely forgotten starting! blush

It is coming back to me slowly now. Oh dear! grin

Pawprint Sat 31-Aug-13 16:15:29

Don't, when at a wedding, get off with someone you think is in his 20s when, in fact, he is seventeen (and you are 25).

Pawprint Sat 31-Aug-13 16:16:09

Do not get pissed and confide in your grannie that, as a child, you used to think you could keep spermatozoa as pets.

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