To expect my husband to sleep on the sofa?(65 Posts)
Every time he stays up past 1am?
He is a night owl. He goes to bed late often. He goes out to visit friends regularly and returns late. Sometimes he comes to bed at 3am, regularly between 1-2am. If he is not visiting friends he generally retires about 12:30am.
My sleep pattern is shocking. I have a 3.5yr old who gets into bed with us at around 5-6am. He now goes back to sleep if he comes in at 5am, but hasn't always done this. However, whether or not he sleeps again, I am mostly awake. Sometimes, he wakes at night. Up until recently this was regular. I have a 7yo who has always been an early riser, but a general good sleeper, but even she is not perfect and sometimes wakes needing a drink, has a bad dream.
I work 3.5 days a week; aim to start at 9am. I am nowadays awake at 6am, whether I work or not.
DH wakes me when he comes to bed at whatever random fucking time it might be. I often wake to find him not there, wonder what the time is (I can usually guess now, am pretty accurate, I seem to wake around 12-1am now). On those occasions, I wake, then I can't really get back to sleep again (partly cross that he hasn't come back, partly as I have broken my rem sleep or whatever it is). On the occasions I wake and get back to sleep, or sleep through, he wakes me, every single time he comes to bed. if he gets to bed past 1am and I am asleep he drags me out of my deep sleep, and that's my night fucked. It takes an hour to get back to sleep now and 2am -3am, means like 2 hours before my DS gets in with us.
So, my sleep is just all over the place. Am I being unreasonable to want my DH to a) come to bed at the same time as me occasionally? b) sleep on the sofa when he is not coming to bed at a respectable time?
His arguments are this:
a) I go to bed too early (9-10pm generally, but sometimes stay up. I don't expect him to be in bed at 9pm, but the nights I stay up to 11pm is relatively reasonable no?
b) he has always done this, it's not new, so I should be used to this. Why should he change ? because you have fucking responsibilities now. because I can't while the day away in bed to manage a slight broken sleep at 2am at the weekends like I used to.
This evening he has got really pissed off about it. I asked if he was going to be in bed late again (1am last night). He does not think last night was late, and that it was ok even if it was, because he got up with the children. So, it's ok to disturb my nights, as long as you get up with the children occasionally? But my night is still broken! He got stroppy when I challenged his doing as he pleased thing and breaking up my sleep. 'i'll sleep on the sofa then'. But, he acts like this is a sort of martydom type thing, but I have said to him for ages he needs to sleep on the sofa if he is home past 1am.
I am so desperate for a reasonable nights sleep. I go to bed at 9pm these days just to stand a vague chance that I might get 5 hours sleep without being woken. I long for 7 hours with no waking up. I long for it, yet also resign myself to it never happening ever again.
How big is your house? Why don't you have separate rooms?
tyler if we had enough bedrooms, I would seriously consider it. Although, I know he won't like that. he wants to sleep in the same bed as me. just on his terms.
Get separate beds. Then he can go to bed whatever time pleases him, and you can sleep undisturbed. Then your 3yo has a choice of which bed to invade
persuade him that your husband's is the best.
god that is a nightmare! I don't blame you at all. does he not have to get up for work in the mornings? how does he cope on so little sleep?
I am a night owl too but single now- when EXP lived with me we both went up around 11pm although I didn't really sleep just lay awake til 1-2ish.
i'm not sure what the solution is if he wont budge. I don't think sharing a room is working though.
He sleeps through everything. He can go back to sleep after being woken (by the kids for example in the morning), he sleeps through them waking at night, and when they come in to bed in the morning, he rolls over and ignores them, so they no longer even bother saying good morning to him when they get into bed, or give him cuddles, not until he speaks to them first.
I'm trying to think what I would do in your shoes....
I think if I was you, I would make an arrangement to sleep elsewhere. You do go to bed very early so I see your DH's point. Is there somewhere else you could sleep?
Alternatively, could you try to tackle the problem with your DS coming to your bed so early?
It's difficult because you are both coming at this from exact opposite viewpoints.
Does he have to get up in the morning for work? (I couldn't see that in your OP)
Does he not get up for work? This would really piss me off. It annoys me enough when DH reads with the light on past 11pm. I can't get to sleep when he has the light on and until recently was always up and gone before he got up. (he's got a new job and leaves at 6.45am now. And has his light out at 10.30 at the latest!)
I think he is being VU!
Me and my hubby have slept in separate rooms for the last 3 weeks - bar one or two nights anyway.
I'm in my early pregnancy and absolutely exhausted (falling asleep at 8.30pm etc) yet because he's currently off work (he's a teacher) he is staying up till 2am-ish watching films. So I'd be next to him, desperately trying to sleep whilst his laptop is illuminating the room!! He would at least put his earphones in but it just wasn't enough!
I told him that I couldn't carry on like it and so now we sleep separately. When I wake up in the morning though I go and crawl into bed with him, which I'm sure annoys him as he's probably only been asleep for about 5-6 hours
He starts back at work next week so will hopefully get back into a normal sleeping routine and we can go back to sharing - but whilst things are as they are, sharing a room just isn't an option.
You aren't being unreasonable at all!!!!!
stephenfry he works shifts. So, although there are some days when he starts at 9am, he also gets plenty where he starts much later. he tries to blame finishing his shifts at 11pm, except, he has always been like this by his own admission, he works these types of shifts as it suits him.
but, it also suits the friends he sees. One doesn't work at all and the other works away a lot for months at a time, and so has large breaks in his employment where he is not working at all.
How does he live on such little sleep? I'm not sure he is living very well on it. he is quite grumpy these days.
Is your room big enough for two singles?
tidy I go to bed early to counteract the shocking sleep I get. If I had a straight 7 hours, or even 6, I would go to bed later. I do 9-10pm as I am permanently, utterly exhausted. And I don't expect him to come to bed then, but 11pm-12am would be ok.
I dont think YABU at all. In your place I would have probably murdered him by now - sleep deprivation does terrible things to you
Leave him a duvet and pillow on the sofa
Maybe he just isn't tired enough to sleep.
Does he exercise? (This may be irrelevant though, as he thinks there is no problem with his sleep pattern)
I have some sympathy with him as I am just like that too. DH goes to bed about 11.30-12, I am usually about 1am. I can understand your problem and sympathise but can see his too, there is no way I could sleep earlier.
If DH has to get up early and it is a problem for him he sleeps in the spare room. Is there no way you could get twin beds or rearrange the rooms so you can both sleep well?
if you don't have a spare room, could you compromise on certain nights each week? for example the ones you work on. during these he sleeps on the sofa, or maybe one of you sleeps in one of the kids rooms on a camping mat?
I'm not sure that anyone is in the right or wrong over this. you just sound exhausted and if you are like me don't cope very well without sleep. it sounds as if he doesn't need much sleep and therefore probably doesn't fully understand
This is a tricky one because I don't think either of you are being unreasonable
I do think it would be a bit U to 'make' him sleep on the sofa- if he doesn't mind then fair enough but I'm not big on telling grown adults where they can and can't sleep in their own homes. But having said that it's not fair that he's disturbing your sleep so much- are you a light sleeper? If he was quieter would it be so much of a problem? I agree that sleeping seperately would be best if there's any way you can manage it
I'm not sure two singles would work. It's not just his is physically getting into bed that's a problem. In fact, that's pretty minor - he listens to his audio book to go to sleep with and so he faffs with that for a a while (probably only minutes) first.
The problem is he has no real routine that is buggered up by coming to bed so late. He will accept 4 hours sleep on the days he has to be in work for 9am. He does the school run for the children, and get's up on some days to get them ready, some days I do that.
But, the nights he works til 11pm, he gets a 'lie-in' as he has worked til late doing a physical job, so he will stay out til 3am knowing he will stay in bed. He works some weekends, so we can't split weekend lie-ins.
I quite like some routine in my life, knowing vaguely what I am doing from one day to the next, as a rule. Happy to break it up from time to time, but generally I like a pattern. DH hates routine of any kind. It's now really starting to clash.
Just re read your OP. two points from that.
You are unreasonable to blame him for keeping you awake because he isn't there.
He shouldn't wake you when he comes to bed late. DH and I are a watered down version of you: he comes to bed way later than me mainly but he never wakes me up.
good suggestion about one of you sleeping with the dcs.
how about the dcs that wakes during the night/early morning sleeps in your double bed, you sleep in that dcs bed and DH sleeps in your double bed with dc so that dc wont wake to come into your bed as he's already there and even if he does he wont be waking you as you wont be there.
no you are right, he doesn't keep me awake. but, he comes to bed, noisily, sometime between 12am and 3am and so I am now tuned to wake up at any sound. It would be much better if it were a similar time every night. But, he pulls me out of deep sleep.
I'm sort of at a loss as to what to say.
He pulls his weight with the DC.
He holds down his job, in fact his sleep patterns are partly a result of his job.
He wants to sleep in the same bed as you.
Good luck with a resolution!
Tell him to get on the sofa and who cares if he pulls a face.
Your tired, that's why you go to bed at 9/10 pm. It's not fair that he disturbs you.
When me and dh got together he was a bit like that, coming in late and disturbing me until I put my foot down -and said it wasn't a fucking hotel -- on the occasion he has had a late night he knows now he has to be deathly quiet as I can be murderous if I get woken up.
If he needs to go to bed late then he has to sleep else where. It would seriously fuck me off if he stayed up late every night. Tell him to stop being a selfish twat!
Me and dh don't go to bed every night at same time but mostly it's within an hour of each other. Maybe you need to reconnect ? I'd feel a bit Lonely tbh.
stephen that's a good plan when we get him a full size bed (DS, not DH!) but currently he has a toddler bed, and I can't fit in it (but, saying that, I have in the past when desperate and DS slept badly and we did just as you said).
bowlers his job is a result of his sleep pattern. It's why he works in the industry he does, as he doesn't like 9-5. That is an excuse he uses.
Pavlov - YANBU - not even one tiny bit. There's no way I'd have let this go on for so long, seriously, I'd be doing time by now.
I would put the kids in one room and make another one up for him.
He might want to sleep with you, but he wont fit into your routine or even a vaguely reasonable routine... so tough luck.
You need sleep & he needs to respect that.
if you do decide to stay in the same room I would have to come to an agreement that he wouldn't turn on lights/audio books/laptops/radios or anything really- ask him to get changed in the bathroom so he is literally just coming in and getting into bed. no hoking in drawers or aythiung. this would be my compromise if he insists on coming in so late.
pavlova - fateric (or might be fatairic - long time sinced i bought mine) camping mat, thats what you need. 5cm one. then you can sleep wherever you like. i still think if you had a decent nights sleep on working nights you would be ok then and could compromise a bit on other nights as you wouldn't be so tierd
My dh has made it clear that separate beds is never an option for him. He wants to sleep next to me and I want to sleep next to him. This means that we are considerate towards each other to make sure we are both getting enough sleep. I'm heavily pregnant and so at the minute he has about 40% of the bed and me and my pregnancy pillow get the rest!
He also gets up really early so is as quiet as possible so not to wake me. In return I come to bed when he goes so I don't disturb him coming in later than him and make sure I don't wake him on his days off so he can catch up on sleep.
I think yanbu. If he wants to sleep with you he needs to be more considerate, otherwise he needs to look into other options with you because all this is leading to is resentment.
Tell him to stop being a selfish twat!
Lovely, he could say the same about her - if he goes to bed at 9 (*9*) or 10 he's quite likely to lie there twitching & pissing her off. Shift work buggers you up like that, it's not being a twat.
There's no way he should be made to sleep on the sofa because that'll degrade whatever sleep he does get & mean that he'll then be knackered for work, or more importantly, the drive to and from work.
Are earplugs an option OP?
maybe i should just take some sleeping pills. then i would sleep through anything
bowlers and no he pulls his weight. his sleep doesn't mean he is crap at everything, he does his fair share (well, maybe not quite his fair share but that's a whole other thread ) of the housework, does his share of childrearing etc. but, his sleep pattern is so out of sync with mine. It's not even like I can just adapt to his instead of him adapting to mine, as I still have to get up with the children most mornings, or for work, and I still get my DS mauling me with kisses and cuddles at 5am and talking at me non-stop, so it won't work.
coming for that very reason, is why I was clear in my OP that ^I do not expect him to come to bed at 9pm.
There are two reasons DH would ever be in bed at 9pm. 1. to have sex and 2. because he is sick. I am not expecting that to ever change.
coming I drive him to, and from work most of the time .
Pavlov - I am a lot like your DH. I stay up far too late, I don't need much sleep (thank god) and I would hate to have to go to bed before I was ready or not be able to read etc I would also choose shifts like your DH if I was in a position to because I like the variance BUT I accept that is my 'weird way' and either adapt to the other persons routine or sleep elsewhere. It is not a habit that is reasonable to inflict on someone else, especially when that someone else is your wife who is up with your children in the night and in the mornings.
(I am also like you in that I struggle to go back to sleep & someone else staying up bothers me)
and he is not working tomorrow. or sunday. or monday. and he didn't work today. so, can he sleep on the sofa now if it doesn't affect his work?
slight tangent- why is he visiting friends so much?
I am sympathising with you. I need my sleep too, and you have young DC in the mix, mine are older now.
I was about to suggest what you suggested in the first place that he comes to bed at a reasonable time, that he doesn't wake you when he comes to bed, or he sleeps elsewhere. So I've gone round in circles!
YANBU and he needs to compromise and chose.
chippin I am figuring out I need much less sleep than I thought too it's the broken sleep I can't bear. I have a horrible groggy headache when I wake in the mornings and need a zillion coffees to get me moving when I have had broken sleep.
stephen because they are there, not far away. and he <whispers> does roleplay. No, before you ask, that doesn't involve kinky dressing and pretending to be someones biatch . It's like D&D, he has played it for years with the same group of friends, they have characters they have played for many years. It's escapism for them
like their real world is a bit shit or something Or, he plays x-box games.
Gosh, I think you're being very unfair and probably unreasonable. My DH works shifts. It's a pain in the arse but that's his job. Tonight he went to bed at 9.30 (great, no company for me on a Friday night!) but on days when he finishes at 11pm and gets home at midnight I can see he needs to sit up for an hour and unwind.
He is very quiet coming to bed but sometimes I do wake up. Tough shit really, I'd rather that than him be out of work and no way would I make him sleep on the sofa - we both have to work and both deserve to share the bed.
I think you need to work on some techniques of your own for getting back to sleep rather than seething with your husband.
bowlers that's what I want to do, for him to either come to bed at a reasonable time, or sleep on the sofa. And reasonable would be 12-1am (not 9pm!) then, I stand a change of getting 4-5 straight hours sleep even if he disturbs me, with a total of 7 hours broken if I go to bed at 10pm, 8 if I go to bed at 9pm (I am awake by 6am, but really, I am awake by 5am and sort of toss and turn and complain to myself for an hour )
Tell him he must sort out his headphones etc before he comes into the room so you have less chance of fully waking. That is a reAsonable demand to make.
Most mornings dh gets up before me. He tiptoes out of the bedroom in the dark and dresses on the landing. Could your dh agree a deal where he sleeps on the sofa or comes to bed quietly on the dark?
Puts the ball back in his court.
mashpot my DH works around 3-4 shifts a week max, so, it's not like his sleep pattern evolves around his shifts. If he finished at 11pm he stays up til 1/2/3am. If he finishes at 5pm, he stays up til 1/2/3am. So, actually his sleep is not much to do with his work pattern.
If he is out of work (and he has been), his sleep pattern is worse as at least on some days he goes to bed at 12:30am at the moment
mrshooarder to be fair to him, he does try to be quiet. He doesn't come in pissed up clattering and trying to have conversations with me (he used to try to have conversations with me if I said goodnight to him, as he would be like 'oh, you're awake!' but he now knows that talking to me in the night is a Bad Idea). He gets undressed outside the room and doesn't turn his light on, but he will put his phone on to charge and fart about with settings on audio account etc, sometimes I have to ask him to turn it down, that kind of thing.
talking of sleep, I got to go get some, he is seeing a friend who has been away for several weeks, so his response to when he will get back is 'not sure'. It might even be as late as 4am today/tomorrow. And although he stropped off saying he will sleep on the sofa, I am not sure he will.
coming ops dh is 'degrading' ops sleep but that's ok? (Hmm)
It is about consideration. If he chooses to go bed late ect he should do it in a manner that it dosnt effect anybody op or kids. I think you really need to sit down and talk it through, it sounds like there is a few issues any way.
You aren't being unreasonable. Not at all.
He chooses this job to suit his desire not to fit in with the norms. Fair enough.
He chooses to stay out and play games/socialise. Fair enough (as you are happy with this too).
He chooses to stay up watching films/playing games etc instead of trying to get into some pattern. Fair enough.
The price he has to pay for all of those fairly selfish choices are that he has to sleep elsewhere and not disturb your sleep.
acer how does it sound like there are a few issues? Nothing that a few good nights sleep won't sort out
See, I am now 50 mins past sleep o'clock. I am so going to suffer for this deviation from my sleep you know.
(I worked out once how many days of sleep I have 'lost' due to DS's poor sleeping through the years - it worked out to equate to something like 4 months of sleep. and that wasn't done recently either, so it's got to be closer to 5 months - no wonder I look like a bag of shite all the time!)
OP you are not being in the slightest, tiniest, weeniest way unreasonable but your DH is being massively so. Of course he should sleep elsewhere. Unbelievably self centred. I'd chuck him out.
At 3.5, your DS is old enough to learn that he stays in his bed until the time you tell him to. Your DS is as much of a problem to your sleep as your DH, but the idea of tackling this doesn't seem high up your agenda?
Could you ask DH to work with you to get DS to stay in bed til 7? Then DH gets to sleep in his bed, and you get enough sleep.
A nightlight with timer or one of those waking up face clocks, combined with rapid return would be my suggestion for this. With some nice treats/prizes for not waking Mummy up.
chipping - i don't understand how you can say he is selfish. he is no more selfish than she is. in reality they just have different requirements that unfortunately don't work that well together.
Get a full size bed for your ds. I got one from the local paper for £40. Add a cot side if your ds is scared.
Could you go and stay with a friend or relative one night a week, on your own?
Oh OP, I feel your pain. I'm a light sleeper and my DS has really wrecked things, and I have a DH who goes to bed early but gets out of bed every single night and wakes me up. Things are much better now though so I would recommend a few things.
If you can, get two single beds next to each other instead of one mattress. It really helps not just with limiting movement but psychologically you feel like you're doing your own thing and not as bothered by what he does.
More important -- do ask him to sleep on the sofa, temporarily, while you try to 'reboot' your sleeping patterns. I always recommend this book by Paul McKenna, I Can Make You Sleep. I am not a self-help person at all, I don't do hypnosis or visualisation, but I swear this book and the CD have made an enormous difference. I had a really bad spell for a while of waking up every night at 5 am but after listening to the CD for 2 weeks I'm sleeping all night again.
The idea is that your sleep habits go bad and you need to fix them, but it takes a bit of time. So your DH should give you some space to do this, it will help in the long run.
I would also tackle your DS coming into your bed, though I'm afraid I don't have any advice on this.
I'm more like your DH in that I'm a night owl and have made many choices over the years that enabled me to do this. BUT now that I have a family I have adapted somewhat, and I do try to limit any impact on my DH. I think your DH should consider himself lucky that he's still able to play games until 3 am if he likes, while his wife is at home on call with the kids, and suck up sleeping on the sofa.
God knows how you cope living with him, he sounds like a nightmare on all levels. An overgrown student who thinks they can pick their own hours.
Can you wear ear plugs? I find them brilliant.
I do think that the earphones, noise etc when he comes to bed is massively disrespectful. His relaxation more important than your sleep, clearly.
can you get a sofa bed? then he could sleep on that not the sofa?
Can he not change where he charges his phone? So this doesn't impact. We have similar issues with our sleep cycles but we don't have anything electrical in the bedroom -anything that requires faffage is a no! He comes in and gets into bed. Doesn't touch me. I am probably going to get lambasted for this but sorting out your 3 year old should be a priority. I couldn't live like that. I had 3 months of it and it brought me to my knees.
dreamingofsun - how on earth are his choices not selfish? He has a family yet chooses to do a job that is not very compatible with that(when he has other options), he chooses to spend a lot of time out of the house playing games, he chooses to stay up late watching films/playing games - he deprives the OP of sleep & she is the one who has to deal with their children...and then complains when he is asked to sleep elsewhere??
He could choose a job with family friendly hours.
He doesn't have to go out so often & be late home.
He doesn't have to stay up all hours.
He should reset his clock and sleep regular hours, like most people, IF he wants to share a bed with Pavlov or accept that his choices mean she doesn't want to share a bed with him and have her sleep broken.
I do think he's selfish.
Insisting on sleeping in bed even though it wakes his wife who has bore the brunt of all the children's sleeping issues is selfish.
I certainly hope he handles any night wakings when he's at home and up til 3 am?
I think yabu, you sound like a very light, regimented sleeper, and you can't blame him entirely for your poor sleep patterns. My DH works shifts and we usually end up with one of us in bed hours before the other, in different directions, and I wouldn't appreciate being told to fuck off to the couch.
Yes, I agree Chipping.
I do know how hard it is to adopt normal sleep times when you're a hardcore night owl, but if you can't manage it, well, that's your problem, you don't inflict the problem on your partner.
I used to work til 3 am when I was with an ex who had a 9-5 job, I slept on the sofa almost every night.
Yanbu. You are really struggling as a result if sleep disruption and deprivation. You need to get a sofa bed and he needs to open it out and sleep on it if up late.
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