To think i should have met her by now

(59 Posts)
DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:01:31

Brief outline

DD is from my previous relationship. She lives with her Dad, private arrangement, quite happy with this as it means a better education for her and she also has additional needs.

I have my son (2) with my partner and i am expecting number 3, currently 6 months pregnant.

Ex has a partner, They got together some time in 2011. Married last year, newly expecting a baby.

I've never met this woman. I've never even spoken to her (I have tried).

Is this normal? AIBU to be miffed that i haven't met her?

Ex and i don't get on, he likes to exaggerate things and has implied that he is in someway frightened of me physically (I have no idea why, i have never been violent, and he is much bigger and stronger than me and capable of restraining me anyway as he has proven in the past when i ran off from him once).

Since october 2011 we have had two disagreements regarding his wife. The first when he told me about the relationship. I was on the toilet having contractions pre term with my son when he decided to contact me to tell me this all important ground breaking news - I really do not know why he did this, he knew how far i was as i had reminded him the day before that i was at the stage things started with our daughter. He knew i was highly stressed about another premature birth. So when he contacted me bothering me i swore at him quite a lot. I did apologise later.

The second was around a year later, so almost a year ago now. After waiting for over a year to be introduced or acknowledged, I tried to contact his wife, and found something i didn't like online and i had a bit of a gob off at him for it. I did later apologise and explained that i was feeling insecure about the whole situation and i accepted i should have handled it better.

We had a disagreement at a hospital appointment but that was nothing to do with his wife, That was to do with him pushing me over and generally acting like a brat.

Would you expect to have had some form of contact by now? Even just an email?

My partner feels it is weird and he feels a bit, i don't know the word, But he doesn't feel they've been very fair, given we were open and honest with my ex and ensured he had the opportunity to know who his daughter spends time with, My partner introduced himself to my ex etc.

I don't expect her to be my new best friend or have any sort of relationship but i just feel odd that i know nothing about her. I only know her real name because his brother has mentioned it, My ex encourages our daughter to use some sort of pet name for her, and ex refers to her the same in any email where he has mentioned her (Like when he told me they were in a relationship).

AIBU?

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:02:53

Sorry, should point out the additional needs thing - I'm not happy she lives with him because she has additional needs, i'm happy she gets a better education as it helps immensely with her needs. She wouldn't get the same level of input where i live for them.

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 21:10:46

YABU. You have had two bouts of contact with him over his new partner and both of them appear to have involved you giving him a mouth full of abuse.

Given that I can understand why he is reluctant for you to have contact as he may feel that his new partner will also be on the receiving end of a mouthful of abuse.

As you say she is pregnant, so I don't blame him for wanting to protect her from any stress. Given the fact that the last two times you have tackled the subject it's ended in abuse, arguments and recrimination I don't blame the bloke.

Sorry, I think you only really have yourself to blame here.

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 21:12:26

Incidentally the 'trying to contact' his wife online and seeing something you didn't like. That does sound like cyber stalking. I am not surprised he is freaked out.

comingalongnicely Fri 30-Aug-13 21:13:00

YABU for the reasons already given above. If I was your ex I'd keep my distance too...

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 30-Aug-13 21:13:43

So, both times her name has come up you have sounded off in an uncontrolled way. Your dd lives with her dad and this is for the best. They don't use the woman's real name in front of you. Are they right to be frightened?

LEMisdisappointed Fri 30-Aug-13 21:15:40

He physically assaulted you and you let your DD live with him? shock

froken Fri 30-Aug-13 21:20:22

Yabu. Have you or could you ask your dd about her step mother?

It sounds like you have done lots of shouting and not much worrying about your dd. Do you have any concerns specifically or are you just not dealing with your ex moving on?

JessePinkmansBitch Fri 30-Aug-13 21:20:48

Bloody hell to be fair to the OP the first time she sounded off she was having premature contractions whilst he decided to suddenly lay it on her. And has since apologised. He has also physically restrained her when she tried to run away from him and pushed her over. I think I'd be giving him a verbal mouthful too!

In reply to your question OP I think it is weird you haven't met her. But I would now leave it until she's had the baby and the baby is a few months old. Just because you're not likely to get anywhere.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:23:42

LEM - I don't think he meant to push me over. I went over to him to ask if he was ok (He looked upset) and he stood up and flounced out of the room and knocked me over. This was after DD went to live with him.

Sal - I just wanted to introduce myself, i'd waited over a year without saying anything or complaining or anything.

I don't know why he would be frightened of me. I've never been violent. I'm not a violent person. I'm not really capable of it, i'd do more damage to myself if i tried to hurt someone!

He has told other people i've been violent when i haven't though. I don't know if he's told her anything like that as i said i haven't spoken to her.

I don't know...

Twice it's been brought up and twice you given him abuse?

Ok, so you apologised afterwards but still, it wouldn't exactly instil a desire for you too meet or speak would it?

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:26:59

Froken - I haven't shouted?! I just swore when i was having contractions and he was bothering me, TBF I swore at my mum and OH and a random traffic light on the way to hospital too, i hardly think this incident makes me a nutter, and the other one i did apologise and accept i was in the wrong, i apologised quite a lot actually!

I dont have any concerns, i never said i did, I just feel a bit weird that i dont know her and wondered if its the done thing to be introduced.

My daughter seems to like her from what she says.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 30-Aug-13 21:28:05

Ok, sorry OP.

I don't think i would be comfortable about my child living with someone i haven't met.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:29:21

Thanks JEsse - I have no intention of bringing it up with them or anything like that. I just wondered if its weird. I don't know any other single parents so i don't know how things are done.

I was 18 when my dad got a new partner so it was a bit different.

I don't think i would be comfortable about my child living with someone i haven't met

Nor would I.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 30-Aug-13 21:31:53

YABU

It sounds like he's acted unreasonably and he certainly doesn't sound blameless but you are being unreasonable to expect to meet his wife, there are clearly issues between you all so perhaps the distance is for the best but either way it's her prerogative

mumofweeboys Fri 30-Aug-13 21:32:30

Surely if you play a significant role in your daughters life he should have introduced her to you around the same time as he introduced her to your daughter.

Fraxinus Fri 30-Aug-13 21:34:06

I would want to be introduced. Definately. As soon as the new woman was seeing my kids, and definately before she moved in to be frank. I think it is weird that it hasn't happened, but I would have insisted at the start, not waited a year. But then I haven't been through this yet, so maybe I am unrealistic.

You can't really insist though, that's the thing.

Especially when you're the NRP.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:39:52

I'm not insisting anything.

I just wondered if it was weird. Like i said, i'm not planning on bringing it up. I just wondered if it was weird to not have even spoken to her or anything.

I don't know why he does the name thing, it might be nothing to do with me and just be what he does, he never called me by my first name until we split up. I can't explain it without being specific and i don't really want to as i use this to be anonymous as he and his family have looked things up about me in the past so i worry a bit.

His brother and his Dad use her first name. (I'm friendly with his brother, we email sometimes, he was supportive of me in my pregnancy with DD when ex left and didnt tell his family i was pregnant).

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 21:40:49

I know you say that it was just to introduce yourself. But look at it from your exes point of view.

He gets a phonecall out of the blue of you mouthing off at him about something you have seen about his new partner online.

Now you may say that you were innocently looking for her to introduce yourself (which would be a bit weird anyway TBH) but to your ex it is going to look like you have been sitting online desperately searching for something to complain about. If an ex did that to me I would find it very hard to believe that it was an innocent one off.

Also the incident with the contractions, yes that's understandable, you could have got away with that. But when the second contact on the issue was also very dodgy I really can understand your exes reluctance to introduce you.

And you must know her real name if you could look her up.

Jan49 Fri 30-Aug-13 21:42:25

There isn't really any need for you to meet her, but if there's ever an event where you will all need to be present, then you'll end up meeting her then.

It sounds like you've made a bad impression on her by your behaviour each time there's been any contact about her so she probably believes what he says about you being violent and doesn't want to meet you. (Did you actually answer the phone whilst on the toilet having contractions???) So personally I think I'd leave things as they are.

I'm divorced and my ex has remarried. I felt it was best if I met his new partner as I didn't want the first time we met to be at a special event for ds where it might seem awkward. We arranged for me to go round to their house briefly and chat to her. But neither she nor my ex have much to do with our ds.

comingalongnicely Fri 30-Aug-13 21:44:00

I don't think he has to introduce anybody to the OP.

They're Ex's, his life is nothing to do with her & vice versa apart from where they cross in regards to the DD.

He may honestly just not want to mix his old & new lives, is that wrong?

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:46:43

Sal - Sorry i'm not explaining very well.

I know her name yeah, i said that. His brother mentioned it and his family use it. It's only him i've heard refer to her with this pet name.

I don't know whether thats to do with me or just what he does, He never called me by my real name either.

I just put her name in thats all and the first thing that came up upset me a bit.

She'd put these pictures of my daughter up saying about her being her baby and how much she looked like her etc and it upset me. As i said i was (And am really but thats my own issue i know) quite insecure about the situation. I felt like they were replacing me.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 30-Aug-13 21:47:34

because you say you wouldn't be violent doesn't mean that he can't be scared of you physically.

TBH from what you have pasted I'm not surprised that you haven't been introduced.

to those saying "I don't think i would be comfortable about my child living with someone i haven't met", he is the resident parent.

froken Fri 30-Aug-13 21:52:45

If your dd is happy then I really don't see tge problem. As your dd's primary carer I think you need to trust yourex's opinion.

I don't understand how it is going to benefit your dd you meeting tge new step mum. It sounds more like it is your desire for control.

You shouldn't have answered tge phone to your ex whilst having contractions and you shouldn't have looked ex's new wife up online.

Why not write her a letter?

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:53:10

Jan - I didn't answer it, I was trying to ring my hospital and he was messaging me. I typed back a message which wasn't very polite because every time he messaged me it cut off the number for my hospital (I didnt have it saved in my phone).

Then i apologised when i saw him.

Thats the only thing i think really is its going to be weird like when my daughter had an operation, me and my ex went to the hospital, but he didnt let his wife come and i felt sort of bad for her? I mean she obviously cares about my daughter, i wouldnt have minded if she'd come. I think it would be awkward if we were put in a situation where it was unavoidable though and i dont want that.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:54:54

Froken - I do trust his judgement. If i didn't i would have done something about it. I don't have any concerns. I just wondered if it was weird because i do not know anyone else who is separated from their childrens father.

I have no intention of bringing it up or trying to meet her, i just wondered if it was weird that i hadnt.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:56:11

I probably shouldn't have written all this.
He's the resident parent because i agreed to it. I wouldnt have agreed to it if i didnt trust him where our daughter is concerned.

I just wondered if it was weird. I guess its not.

Auntfini Fri 30-Aug-13 22:01:35

I think it is weird actually. You're her mother, it would be helpful for you to meet the woman your dd lives with.

I think people are reading into things that aren't really there.

froken Fri 30-Aug-13 22:03:03

My biological dad has never met my step dad.

I think you need to realise that the child in this situation is ok, it is you that has an issue with things, so you should graciously ask for contact with the new woman ( probably best after you have both given birth)

BrokenSunglasses Fri 30-Aug-13 22:06:05

I think it's wierd, but mainly because I can't understand how you haven't come across her in person once in the roughly three years that she has been around.

How is your ex, as the resident parent who is living with someone else, able to keep the two of you apart? How is your contact with your dd arranged?

I have no idea how I could ever have gone about keeping my DH and my ex apart for that length of time when one is regularly coming to the others front door.

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 22:06:44

I think if she desperately wanted to come to the hospital she could have.

Put it this way, if the two of them were taking her to hospital and excluding you then you would have needed to worry.

Well, how do you arrange to see your dd? How often?

It would be weird if she was actively avoiding you (although, she might have cause to given what you've posted) but not if there's no real chance of interaction IYSWIM.

Samnella Fri 30-Aug-13 22:13:19

YANBU I would want to meet the person as well. I also find it weird she wrote those things about your DD looking like her etc. But I can see from her perspective that you have given your ex a mouthful twice which will perpetuate his apparent view of you. She won't necessarily have been told you were mid contraction etc. Just that you shouted abuse. it's an odd one all round.

I would let some time pass without incident, congratulate them on the baby etc and then ask him if you could all meet now your DD has a step brother/sister. See what happens.

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 22:19:44

If you really want to meet her or contact her DO NOT DO IT DURING HER EARLY PREGNANCY. It sounds like there are a lot of issues here and that it could cause a lot of stress and upset. Really I would think that you owe it to her as another woman to wait until she's around the five month mark before you do anything.

Start by building little bridges, talk to your ex and say you would like to meet her some time. Maybe pass a card via your ex saying congratulations on the baby and how excited your daughter is. Then send a gift when the baby is born. Take baby steps and hopefully you will build up a relationship.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:21:26

Froken - I'm not asking for anything. I just wondered if it was weird.

BrokenSunglasses - I pick DD up from his parents, or my mum does if i'm working. They are never there. He is at work, don't know about his wife, assuming work or whatever.

Missus - I fetch her at weekends on fridays. From his parents.

I haven't seen my ex since the incident when he knocked me over. I don't want that sort of scene. It was very distressing for me the way he acted. It was weird. We'd been making more progress than ever before as far as communication went and he just went weird.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:23:44

Sal - I have no intention of meeting her. I don't know how pregnant she is. My daughter mentioned it because she asked if i was going to the gym when i was putting some of my clothes away in a bag, and i said 'no dont be silly mummys got a baby in her belly' and she said 'X goes to the gym' and i said 'X hasn't got a big old baby in her tummy though silly!' and she told me she has and told me her daddy put it there and itll come out when its big enough like mine.

I don't know anything else.

I just wondered if it was a weird situation.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 30-Aug-13 22:24:37

OP, your DD has been living with this woman for a number of years. You are 6months pregnant and have a 2yo. Leave it.

You have enough on your plate. Accept that for whatever reasons she does not want to meet you right now and work on sorting out your own life before the baby comes.smile

Your daughter is happy, they are not cutting you out of her life, so leave it.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:28:54

Samnella - Yeah i can see from her perspective if she isn't getting the whole story.

If he tells her the same things he tells her Dad its more understandable too, his Dad says weird things to me, like a few weeks ago he said something to me about me threatening him (my ex) with social services, which i've never done. I asked what he meant but he never answered.

His mum has accused me of weird stuff too over the years. They didn't know i had an ectopic pregnancy or anything before my daughter (with the ex), and his mum used to ring me saying things that didn't make sense too.

2rebecca Fri 30-Aug-13 22:31:48

I think if you want to meet her then you have to start being more pleasant about her and make your ex and her feel that meeting you is in their interest as well.
I don't think it's necessary to meet ex partners other halves. My ex avoids my current husband if possible and I haven't met his current girlfriend (of about 6 months) although I see my ex regularly. I'm not avoiding his girlfriend they just don't live together and she lives in another town so there's no reason why I would meet her. My kids are teenagers and are happy with her and her kids and I suspect I'll bump into her some day. I can't even remember her name although I'm sure i've been told it. She's important to my ex and to a lesser extent to my kids but not to me.
I wouldn't want another woman talking about my kids as though they are theirs though. It doesn't matter if their father is the resident parent or not. Step parents shouldn't try and take over someone else's kids, although women are usually worse at trying to make step fathers take on a parenting role and pushing out the real dad than men are in the same situation.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:31:57

Dione - My lifes perfectly fine. I just wondered if it was weird. I dont know anyone else who is separated so i dont know how things are done.

Like i said i was 18 when my dad got a new partner so i met her of my own free will so thats a bit different.

I'm not unhappy with the situation with DD living with him, and i'm not crying myself to sleep over his wife not meeting me, i just wondered if it was the norm.

I didnt want to post anywhere else because its anonymous and i dont want him to think its a good way to get at me or something (He says random shit to get at me sometimes).

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:32:57

Rebecca - I'm not that fussed, i trust his judgement, if i didn't i'd involve authorities or the family courts.

I just wondered if it was weird.

I only wanted to contact her that time becase i thuoght it was the done thing. And now i don't know if it is. Hence my asking.

If you're not bothered then why does it matter whether it's weird or not?

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:40:56

Missus - I just dont really have anyone to ask and i've wondered for a while. I don't talk about it much IRL anyway. Posting this was quite hard after the last incident when he went weird. I can't really go in to it.

My friends don't like him so they're biased anyway because they think he hit me or something (He didn't) so if i ask friends i worry they're agreeing with me because they just don't like him.

I was feeling a bit brave but i probably shouldn't have.

Sorry, that sounded quite snooty and I didn't mean it to.

It sounds like there's more going on here though...

OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:46:51

OP id give up and hide this thread if I were you. People are ripping you to shreds and will continue to do so.

From what you have said its a complex but relatively fair situation. I say relatively because you should have met her, and known she was pregnant because the two are huge things in your daughters life.

But because it is complex, I think people are think hang on, theres more to this. Lets dig til she spills. Theres two sides to every story, that people on here will not let go.

Like you said, you wanted to know if it was weird. I think its out of the ordinary but your whole sitiation is.

I hope the future for you all is calmer and better communicated. smile

OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:48:32

Ergh yuck how patronising did I sound?

I was going for empathy.

Sorry about that.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:50:03

(P.S I would have blatantly Googled her name too. Like most people on here, even if they deny it).

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:51:19

Yeah, I can't really get into it. It's in the past. I'm off to bed, my two year old has woken up and managed to headbutt me on the nose and it's bloody sore, so i have my tooth filling and my sore nose to use to extract sympathy chocolate from my other halfs stash i know he bought home earlier and has conveniently not mentioned it to chocolate fiend here.

OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:53:35

My 2 year likes to throw his head back and head or eye butt me too.

Lovely isnt it. Little buggers.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:54:07

Ohforduckssake - Thanks smile I didn't think you were patronising.

I didn't google her i just put it in to facebook and it was the first result (We have mutual friends apparently, didn't know this at the time though).

I think you're right though, I've already said a bit more than i'm comfortable with so people digging isn't going to help and i probably shouldn't have posted if i wasn't willing to talk about all of it because i can see how that makes it hard to judge.

I wasn't digging, just pointing out that there was an underlying situation. confused

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 23:14:37

OhforDucksSake, I would have googled for her and searched for her on facebook too.

What I would not have done was go apeshit about what I saw then phoned my ex to rant about it.

It's the ringing and ranting that caused the problem.

Fairy1303 Fri 30-Aug-13 23:24:00

My DSD lives with me and my DH.
her mother was not bothered about meeting me and we certainly did not have any structured meeting but I find it extremely odd that you can have got this far without meeting her.

I don't want to project my own issues onto you but I don't know how you can have NOT met her. Honestly I would have popped round on the most tenuous of excuses to meet the woman who was living with my child.

Fairy1303 Fri 30-Aug-13 23:26:02

Sorry meant to add that although she wasn't bothered and there wasn't ever a structured meeting we met by default - how could we not?

mynameismskane Fri 30-Aug-13 23:43:52

He sounds a bit odd. Are you really happy him having residency? Is your daughter happier there than with you?

Tbf if my ex started seeing someone, an a year later i still hadn't met them i would also google them. I like to know who is around my children, what sort of influence they could be having, an if i found that said person works as a prositute, has convictions for anything dodgy etc i wouldnt be happy either, so not knowing what op found cant really judge.
My ex has intoduced 2 girlfriends to me, the 2 our ds has had contact with. The first one i got v good friends with, an the one hes with now is a lovely woman who cares v much about ds. If your daughter likes her then its a good sign, maybe take card & new baby gift when lo arrives, she is your dds sibling & excuse to meet

nooka Sat 31-Aug-13 07:42:07

It seems to me that the no contact with the ex's wife is a side effect of essentially having no contact with your ex. And yes that does seem unusual, however I can't see how you would have met his wife if you don't see your ex any more. I can understand your unhappiness at not knowing who is in your dd's life but it does sound as if the dynamics between you and your ex are not the most healthy, and resolving that (if possible) might normalise things a bit.

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