To request XP come to me for DS?

(54 Posts)

XP and I split up 18 months ago. He has always maintained contact with our DS,3 weekly.
He lives 40 miles away. Until recently I have been meeting him in a city which is halfway between our houses. He is banned from driving for drink driving, so he also has to rely on public transport.
His mother has been meeting me also, as a favour to him. She has a car.
XP has never given me a penny for our DS. I have told him that I cannot afford to come to this city and meet him, as I don't think it's fair as I get no maintenance from him. I have not reported him to CSA. I have asked him for money in the past and the excuses are "I'm between jobs" and "I'm on the dole" repeat ad nauseum.
His DM (Who enables him to forever be "Between jobs) has just sent me a very guilt-trippy text saying how she is going to take things further etc and that XP cannot afford to come get DS.
However XP can most certainly afford cans of Stella.
Am I being unreasonable or should I stick to my guns. XP and his DM will not hear of it that he should pay maintenance, as I claim tax credits hmm
By the way, he's 40.

pinkdelight Thu 29-Aug-13 11:53:56

Sounds like a charmer. I don't understand why you don't report him to CSA. Who cares what he/his DM say? They can hardly 'take things further' if they're not playing by the rules themselves.

jammiedonut Thu 29-Aug-13 11:58:01

Why aren't you reporting him? Even when you are receiving maintenance that doesn't mean you have to pay for him to see his child by driving halfway every time! Ignore XP and DM with their empty threats, what exactly can she achieve by taking it further, you've done nothing wrong!

Pink thankyou for your reply. If I do report him to CSA he will stay permanently on the dole on purpose, and I would get nothing.
I would love to know what they actually mean by take things further.
His DM is essentially a very nice lady, excellent gran etc but will NOT SEE ANY WRONG IN HER SON. It infuriates me (and most of their family).
I'm made to feel grabby if I ask for any money. I would be satisfied with £15 a week, I don't want to bleed him dry, I am reasonable.
He is fucking bone idle and uses any excuse not to work.
Sorry for swearing.

Icelollycraving Thu 29-Aug-13 12:00:49

Stick to your guns. Twat.
Him not you obvs.

jammie yes, I wonder what they can achieve.
He actualy said a while ago he was going to get his solicitor to make me come meet him. hmm

waltzingmathilda Thu 29-Aug-13 12:03:20

I wouldnt be spending my money facilitating his behaviour. If he wants to maintain a relationship with his child he will do so - his mother will make sure of that.

But exactly WHY do these people know you claim tax credits?

liquidstate Thu 29-Aug-13 12:03:35

YANBU - I think he needs to grow up. You must inform the CSA and make sure things are done properly. You wouldn't want your little one thinking that this was normal/acceptable behavior from the father.

And its not your problem that he lost his licence so stop driving to meet him halfway, it increases the costs and stress for you.

It perplexes me as to why a man of his age needs his mother's "Back". The things she doesnt bloody know about him....

MaxPepsi Thu 29-Aug-13 12:04:29

Why did he move 40 miles away?

Waltzing he tried to claim Child Tax Credit fraudulently by saying he was Ds main carer. I went bloody crackers, they stopped my claim and I had to fill in all sorts of forms and wait ages for them to sort it. Thats how they know I get tax credits.
He caused me a Hell of a lot of financial problems.
He is ahighly qualified tradesman with the potential to earn a fortune but is downright lazy.

pepsi he moved 40 mile away to be with his DM, they live across road from each other in a small village.

She paid his rent for God knows how long, too. And paid his bond, which would have been a fortune in that area.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Thu 29-Aug-13 12:15:05

Wow! He sounds delightful!

You are not being unreasonable!

CruCru Thu 29-Aug-13 12:15:18

Please contact the CSA - the longer you leave this the harder your negotiations will become. If the CSA get involved, you can quite easily refuse to discuss maintenance as it is a matter between him and the CSA.

I know you say that he'll stay on the dole forever but frankly they won't let him (the dole people I mean). Even if all you get is £5 a week that is better than what you are getting now.

Re the visits - I would also stop meeting him in this halfway place as you will be setting a precedent (possibly) that may become hard to break. Also, presumably you work or will do at some point (I'm not sure how old your child is). In that case driving to this other place 3 times a week (or when your child is at school) will be impossible.

It may be worth contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau, who will tell you what you need to do. I think you can take him to court yourself to sort out contact but don't know for sure how this would happen.

I hope this is helpful.

I think I would reply this;
'Go ahead and take it further and by the way I'm contacting CSA'
And leave it at that.
You should NOT be driving to him for him to have access.

BrokenSunglasses Thu 29-Aug-13 12:15:37

He's the one that moved away, it's his responsibility to meet the cost of seeing his child.

He sounds like a complete tosser.

But unfortunately, he is Dad to your ds, and your ds has a right to see him. In your position, I'd continue to make the journey for your sons sake, but I'd also start a claim through the CSA.

comingintomyown Thu 29-Aug-13 12:25:34

God poor you being stuck with such a prick of an ex it just makes life so much harder.

In all honesty I dont know if I would contact the CSA , if he has no money then it will hassle for barely any money

How hilarious a threat from his DM , utter nonsense.

If you feel you want DS to have regular contact with his Dad then you will have to keep making this journey at your own cost.

lunar1 Thu 29-Aug-13 12:35:05

I'd stop meeting them half way and I'd ring the CSa. What exactly is he going to do? Set mummy on you?

Thankyou very much everyone for your replies. It is a pain in the arse to have an awkward ex. I'm not an unreasonable person, or a bitch, I just live my life doing the best I can for DS.
XP also is accusing me of trying to make my partner DS's "New Dad". This is ridiculous, I would not play games with my child like that. My partner has 2 girls of his own, he adores my ds, but is not his new daddy.
I think I will contact CSA.

Will come back to this thread later, I have to go out.
Thanks everyone x

grin set mummy on you.

ivykaty44 Thu 29-Aug-13 12:44:46

all the time you enable him by doing as he wants he will continue to walk all over you.

There is no prize for not going to the CSA and you have nothing to lose by contacting them and putting in a claim.

Text back to his mum that if she is so concerned about her ds and dgs then can sort out the access for them both.

Hegsy Thu 29-Aug-13 12:46:46

YANBU, agree time to involve CSA you say you'd be happy with £15 a week if hes claiming JSA you'll get £5 a week which is better than nothing just now. Do not facilitate him any further. Time for him to man up.

NotYoMomma Thu 29-Aug-13 12:49:05

your argument of CSA = dole = no money is a bit bloody pointless if theend result is still no money surely hmm

report him!

eatriskier Thu 29-Aug-13 12:53:49

I think giving him 18m to sort himself out where you met him halfway was more than reasonable. It is also reasonable, after 18m to say I will not take the financial burden of this especially as you are not contributing to DS financially anyway. Its definitely time to get the csa involved as the last 18m should have shown you that an informal arrangement is not going to happen. If his DM is that bothered, she can drive the full way to pick up DS. Also, it was his choice to move. I'd say different if he were in hardship and had no choice but to move in with his DM, but he's living across the street from her. His choice to move that distance from DS.

Ignore his DM. If she carries on shut her down with a very short sharp 'i've given him 18m to get himself together which was more than fair' end of

bibliomania Thu 29-Aug-13 13:28:38

Is there any chance he will go to court and try to get your ds for more overnights to avoid having to pay through the CSA? It's happened to me, and it's cost an absolute fortune to solicitors to try to stop my ex having 50:50. Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

(That's a simplification of my situation - my ex had other reasons for wanting more nights, but given he had already attempted to claim child tax credits and child benefit while dd was in my care, plus he told me if he had her 50% of the time, he'd be entitled to a 2-bedroom council flat, I think it's safe to conclude that material benefits were on his mind too).

The upside to the recent legal aid changes is that he won't get legal aid to do this, and it sounds like he might be too lazy....unless his mother fancies having your DS more often?

Lweji Thu 29-Aug-13 13:30:27

He should make the effort.

Because he moved away.

missmargot Thu 29-Aug-13 13:43:40

In terms of 'taking it further' there isn't a huge amount he can do. If he wants to go to the family courts he would either have to pay for a solicitor or represent himself, he wouldn't get legal aid. The courts like parents to meet halfway or share the travel for contact in some way but they generally don't enforce it. In fact the majority of family courts don't enforce very much anymore, most of them work on a 'no order principle' whereby they want the parents to reach an agreement via mediation and discussion. It generally takes months for cases to come to court, then you have to wait for CAFCAS report etc so all in all it can be a year before 'taking it further' actually got any further.

Oh and YANBU at all, he moved away and he lost his license. Pillock.

Thanks for your replies everyone. I know this seems a trivial argument, but I just get so pissed off with them.
I am fully aware of the implications of him attempting to take me to family court. If I'm right I think CAFCASS do a report on him, he has previous convictions for possession of drugs and DV. I have a clean record.
He's not going to do himself any favours.
You have all made really good points, thankyou.

By the way I'm ringing CSA shortly. Be back soon.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:04:31

<checks watch>

<grumps> "this is not soon"

how did reporting mummy's iccle boy go?

difficultpickle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:14:09

I would contact the CSA. If he is a trademan then he is likely to be self employed so will have the ability to hide his true income from the CSA. I don't think you have anything to lose as you won't get much from the CSA but at least you will get something. My ex is a self employed plumber who apparently only earns net £170 a week. He lives in a large house in a wealthy area where plumbers charge £200 a day and afaik he has plenty of work. Unfortunately I cannot prove that he is living beyond his means so HMRC can do nothing and the CSA can only go on his declared earnings as filed in his tax return.

If you get the right person the CSA can be very helpful indeed. They managed to collect £3,000 in arrears (when ex wasn't hiding his income as he'd filed his tax return before I made my first claim) when he said that I wouldn't see a penny.

Right, I reported him after I left MN yest, gave them his phone numbers, address and his muumys address just to be sure. I have told them he is SE and currently on dole, and they are going to contact him. I live in hope.
Susan grin ikkle boy

bisjo yes, I have thought of this, also. He is not beyond it. If I could tell you the affluent village he bloody well lives in, it would out me. It must be at least £600 pcm for his rent. Its for sure mummy is payrolling part of that.

Sparklymommy Fri 30-Aug-13 10:27:44

I never understand why some NRP think once they leave the family their financial responsibility ends to any children they have created. I think in this case you really need to put a claim in to the CSA.

However, before doing that perhaps it would be an idea to have a little chat with his mother and ask her why she thinks you are being unreasonable. It could be that she is unaware of her sons behaviour and maybe you need to give her a few home truths!

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:31:01


these sort of people wind me right up. I am sure you will do a bette job of raising you child to be a grown up.

glad you reported him. expect there will be some come back though as he/mum has a tantrum.

BuskersCat Fri 30-Aug-13 10:31:51

If he is claiming benefits, they will take £5 a week off him so you wont get nothing at all.

She knows he will not give us anything, she just backs his excuses up, and is of the same opinion as him, ie "Well you get tax credits don't you?".

You cannot tell this woman home truths. All their family agree with this fact. He is golden boy. It must be seen to be believed. angry

susan yes, there will be hissy fits. And yes, I will do a better job. She accused me by text yesterday of "Not putting DS first" I could have passed out with rage. Every single minute of the day I put this child first. Her son is useless and when we were together never lifted a finger to help. TBH I never wanted him to, if he didn't want to help, I was damned if I was going to make him. I will do it myself.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgh. As you were. grin

Buskerscat I know, and he will purposely stay on the dole for this reason.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 30-Aug-13 10:41:25

not putting ds first. perhaps she meant her ds? hmm

what would happen to ds if you took the same attitude as his dad? live on fresh air probably.

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 10:46:02

YANBU what is she going to do taking it further? I went to court with my ex and now he has to pick children up from me, same situation he lost his licence for drink driving. I was doing all running around but couldn't afford to anymore. Court ruled he must pick kids up. Now his mum or sister drives him. Good luck smile

I don't know how she dares. I'm annoyed with her for guilt-tripping me. For the millionth time XMIL, I AM NOT SAYING YOU OR XP CANT SEE HIM!!
I'm fascinated about their "Further Action"
Thanks everyone, I'm much more confident in my right-ness now.

Shelley thanks, its exactly the same situation. I think my XP might be opening a can of worms for himself if CAFCASS get involved.

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 10:48:39

Also, sorry for double posting but my ex signs on and works.. I went CSA got awarded 2.50 per week.. In court he was made to look like a total arse so he now gives me 30 per week. The best thing she could do would be to take it further for you!

It is also not my fault that he drove OUR car drunk and was caught.

shelley I'm loving your posts. They really do know how to shoot their own feet don't they?

aww poor boy... getting his mummy to fight his battles for him. he sounds charming!

good luck op. well done for contacting csa. it amazes me how many women actually dont contact them confused

ShelleyGal Fri 30-Aug-13 11:13:34

Yes! Them taking me to court after everything they put me through, was the best thing that could have happened. Also, I had the guilt trip texts, the 'she won't let me see my kids' statuses on fb.. Ignore it all and stay strong! The court will see right through any shit he/she comes out with. You don't have to run around after them, they should make every effort to see the kids. Honestly, best of luck smile

IJustNeedANap Fri 30-Aug-13 11:18:44

I'm glad you contacted CSA Pp

Thanks everyone. I couldn't help but feel like a bitch when XMIL texted me, but I know I'm right. I'm sticking to my guns. It amazing how MNers are on the same page about stuff. thanks

CruCru Fri 30-Aug-13 13:02:11

This sort of site is useful if these sort of situations. Have you also contacted the CAB?

Redorwhitejusthaveboth Fri 30-Aug-13 13:14:04

Good response to their argument they don't need to pay as you are getting tax credits is ' you have a moral
Obligation to contribute financially towards your child's upbringing' ... Shuts my ex up every time wink

God knows how much they think tax credits is!!

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