Oh god, I was unreasonable wasn't I...

(109 Posts)
Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:17:40

I'll try to keep this short. DH and I both work full time, and we take turns leaving work a bit early to pick up the kids. He had a work function to go to tonight, so needed to leave the house by 6pm, just as I would get home (he picked up kids).

I emailed him this afternoon asking him to just get the kids in the bath, and I'd sort their dinner out when I got home. I'm not eating the same food as the kids (or him) in the evenings these days so make my dinner separately most nights.

I got home and found that whilst he had put them in the bath, he'd also made a huge pot of cheesy pasta (that I won't eat), using half the ingredients that I was planning on using for my own dinner, and also most of the milk meaning there is barely enough left for breakfast. I know he was trying to help, but it was so not what I'd asked him to do - and in fact it had made him stressed as he had run out of time to get himself ready - which is another reason why I had told him not to worry about their dinner!

Anyway so I snapped at him (for ruining my own dinner plans, and wasting ingredients), and then he snapped back at me for snapping at him.

The upshot is that he's gone out without saying goodbye, and there are two large portions of cheesy pasta in the freezer.

I'm an ungrateful controlling cow aren't I...... (Go on, give it to me....)

TSSDNCOP Thu 29-Aug-13 11:21:03

Yep, but I go batshit if my food plans are messed about with too. He could have solved the milk thing by popping into a garage on his way home.

SaucyJack Thu 29-Aug-13 11:22:45

Assuming you don't have some sort of allergy that would make it impossible to eat what was left..... then yeah.

His house/his food too.

wheretoyougonow Thu 29-Aug-13 11:23:10

Yes but it will soon be forgotten and on the plus side you have two children's dinners in the freezer!

Send him a text saying sorry ... and could he pick up some milk on his way home grin

ShatnersBassoon Thu 29-Aug-13 11:23:48

Yes, but not so unreasonable that an apology won't put everything back to normal.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 29-Aug-13 11:23:56

If the ingredients for your dinner are in the cheesy pasta why won't you eat the cheesy pasta?

Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:25:50

He did offer to go get more milk after he heard me tell DS he couldn't have a cup of it as there wasn't enough left. There's enough until tomorrow so not a crisis.

Have you got a written meal plan? Otherwise he is not a mind reader...

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 29-Aug-13 11:27:43

Yup just say sorry. Try not to say "sorry, but...." Even though I can see why you were frustrated.

Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:27:51

I can't eat pasta in big portions as it messes with my stomach. I just avoid it completely at night as I get cramps.

No chance of him getting milk tonight - he's at a black tie function with an open bar...!

lost it in the telling, but not unreasonable to feel bloody irritated.

jammiedonut Thu 29-Aug-13 11:28:32

Yabu,but at least you know it. I've been known to go apeshit over similar, but as pp said, he's not a mind reader!

totally hearing you on the pasta thing too!

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 29-Aug-13 11:29:27

Yes OP, you were unreasonable.

specialsubject Thu 29-Aug-13 11:30:27

how was he supposed to know what you were planning to make for your separate dinner?

Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:31:23

Bugger, I knew it. Totally unreasonable wasn't I.

Fuck. I hate apologising. My inner control freak does not like admitting when I was wrong.

I hate apologising too.

Swallow your pride, say sorry and maybe suggest a meal plan. If you both know what is planned it could avoid future incidents.

Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:33:41

He wasn't supposed to make their dinner! He was originally going out straight from work, but wanted to drop his car at home, so came back.

I had asked him to not make their dinner (or mine), so I didn't think there was a need to tell him what I was planning to make for myself.

This has to be the lamest thing to argue over of all time.

mynewpassion Thu 29-Aug-13 11:33:59

Just apologize.

MisselthwaiteManor Thu 29-Aug-13 11:37:22

Did you say 'don't cook their dinner' or did you say 'Ill cook their dinner' because if it was the latter he might have been trying to help. The former I would be annoyed too.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 29-Aug-13 11:38:03

I don't think you were that unreasonable. Maybe a tinsy bit, but it would really annoy me to have my dinner planned, and then come home to find dh had use ingredients/all the milk in something I couldn't eat.

Just one of those misunderstandings - if you apologise for snapping, he'll probably apologise for the cheesy pasta.

Montybojangles Thu 29-Aug-13 11:39:14

Suck it up and say your sorry. He was trying to do something helpful to save you a job.

BoozyBear Thu 29-Aug-13 11:41:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 11:43:14

You are and you aren't smile

He knows you are eating separately and presumably what kinds of food you are eating, therefore should have been aware that you might have been planning to use those ingredients for yourself.

You told him not to do the kids tea, you would. But I guess he took that more as a 'Don't worry, I'll make the kids tea' than a 'I know what I'm doing with the stuff in the fridge so don't mess with it' and he thought he was helping.

However, it's worth a quick chat over, not WW3 smile

pinkdelight Thu 29-Aug-13 11:47:47

Your DC have a bath before dinner? That's confused me.

CaptainCapybara Thu 29-Aug-13 11:52:11

Me too pinkdelight, don't they just get dirty again OP?

mymblenymble Thu 29-Aug-13 11:52:38

I feel for you OP, I have similar tendencies to give DP a hard time about things like that. I think I am still struggling to let go of the control I had over the house and the kids while i was the SAHP. I also hate saying sorry. But you do need to just swallow your pride and text him a sorry. Something I have learned since having kids is that we do argue/snap about the smallest silliest things, and that just saying a quick 'I'm sorry, that was silly of me' and then forgetting about it is so much easier than dwelling on it and it turning into a big horrible Thing. It's quite a change to how I used to be and I certainly don't always manage it blush.

Can you all just have toast for breakfast?!

Peanate Thu 29-Aug-13 11:55:41

They don't normally bath before dinner. I asked if he could do it first tonight (as he wouldn't be making their dinner!)

Anyway, agree that it's not worth WW3 so I'll talk to him in the morning - hangover pending!

LeaveTheBastid Thu 29-Aug-13 11:56:20

YABU but you already know. He was trying to help, probably compensating for the mess he thought he'd be today wink. I hate going out/to bed on an argument, so to save it I'd have probably just gritted my teeth, thanked him (for putting you first causing him to rush about getting ready) ... And then I'd serve him the cheesy pasta for dinner tonight grin

LeaveTheBastid Thu 29-Aug-13 11:57:14

Tomorrow, not today!

everlong Thu 29-Aug-13 12:01:57

Poor bastard.

Getting a bollocking for bathing and feeding his kids.

fascicle Thu 29-Aug-13 12:05:09

Your dh was trying to be helpful, his heart was in the right place. (Couldn't the kids have gone without a bath to save time/stress?)

I can't eat pasta in big portions as it messes with my stomach. I just avoid it completely at night as I get cramps.

Assuming you have an issue with wheat or gluten, have you tried gluten free pasta/lasagne? It's really not bad.

Oh dear - as you said, you know jolly well YABU.

If DH had spontaneously made dinner for our DCs I probably would have wept real tears of gratitude. That or been in shock. I can't say for sure as it's never happened.


ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:36:47

I think what is being overlooked here is that he knows you are eating/avoiding certain foods & yet it would appear he didn't give that a second thought when he used what was in the fridge. Do you feel he isn't supporting you in this? That he didn't think about you?

Yes, on the surface it would appear he did something helpful & was being thoughtful, but often there is more going on that what is 'on the surface'

I know if I have someone in the house that needs to have xyz that it isn't used in other ways.

Perhaphs many posters don't have any of these food issues and so don't quite understand the need to have certain foods available - food is food etc, which until you experience it yourself is normal, but it just means they don't necessarily appreciate your POV.

Also, there is the 'control factor' I said not to cook dinner. I told him what to do and he didn't follow my instructions!! Grrrrrr

Lots of us struggle with that one wink

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:37:29

cake that sound like a fairly miserable way to live. Are you ok?

fackinell Thu 29-Aug-13 12:38:50

OMG LTB!! grin

Just kidding, OP, but yep YABU. He was trying to be helpful. I can't tell my DP off for anything, mind you. I'm a sucker for the hurt bunny look so tend to make a joke of annoying things that he does.

Say sorry or you risk him doing nothing more, in case he gets it wrong.

I think it's hard to say Chippin! We have meal plans because our budget is pretty strict, and I would be really annoyed if DH used something needed for a meal (very rarely happens because he generally rings and checks if he can't tell from the plan).

But if it wasn't obvious I'd cut him some slack and be annoyed with myself, because I know that DH would hear "don't cook them dinner" as "don't worry if you haven't got time to cook them dinner" especially if it got to dinner time and kids were getting hungry he wouldn't want to wait.

If it's diet sabotage I would expect OP to mention more than one incident?

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 12:50:28

What everlong said. Why can't some women relinquish this weird control they feel the need to have over domestic matters? He sounds lovely to me OP.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:52:22

Diet sabotage or generally just not thinking about her needs perhaphs and thus her feeling cross about something which on the surface would appear like a kind thing he had done but actually is quite hurtful.

Not even 'diet' in the sense of weight loss, but diet relating to discomfort when she eats certain things, diet relating to another health issue and him perhaphs not caring/listening/accepting/acknowledging.

The fact that she mentions in her OP that she is eating a separate meal to both him and and the children indicates that he should know what her dietary needs are and what food she needs to meet them.

Using stuff she needed for her dinner was either thoughtless or his way of saying he doesn't agree with what she is doing.

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 12:52:22

Gosh cake how awful. How can you live like that?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 12:53:21

What I'm trying to say is, it sounds like he should have been much more aware of what he was using than if say she had just 'fancied' x and he had used it to make the kids dinner without even the possiblity of him knowing she wanted it.

Yes, I agree it could be. Just not sure that it was in this particular incident, which seems to be a one off?

ilovesooty Thu 29-Aug-13 12:56:52

Yes yabu and you should apologise.

scallopsrgreat Thu 29-Aug-13 13:03:37

I'm with Chipping. He should have been more aware of running out of milk and stuff. He's made himself into a martyr by doing things he didn't need to do, getting stressed and then made your life more difficult as a result. That's not really helping is it. YANBU but as others have said it isn't really worth a massive fight over either (unless he has form for this type of 'helping').

SaucyJack Thu 29-Aug-13 13:08:49

Why do you all keep banging on about him "helping"? He cooked a meal for his own children at dinner time, like most grown ups should and do. It's 2013 for chrissakes.

The fact it inconvenienced the OP's meal plan is an entirely separate issue.

everlong Thu 29-Aug-13 13:14:19

Helping confused

He fed his children.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 13:18:39

saucyjack I think most of us are saying he was (possibly) trying to be helpful with respect to the fact she had said not to bother cooking their dinner, she'd do it. Not that cooking their dinner is fundamentally helping normally iyswim.

Bamboobambino Thu 29-Aug-13 13:21:20

Disagree with some of the above. Notwithstanding food allergies etc, better to give kids the message that we all eat the same as a family, healthy wholesome food, rather than mummy eats something else. Runs the risk of normalising faddy eating or preoccupation with calorie control/weight.

fackinell Thu 29-Aug-13 13:21:28

Saucy, if my man makes tea or does the laundry, I offer to 'help.'

Right after I've picked myself up off the floor! smile

digerd Thu 29-Aug-13 13:24:30

You snapped at him and he snapped back at you .
Yes YABU but he should not have snapped back at you. The big puppy dog eyes hurt expression would have probably evoked your remorse - or not?
As far as you mentioning "hangover", did you mean his < drowning his sorrows at having such an ungrateful, controlling and snappy wife>, yours to calm down your fury at his disobedience and leaving you with not enough milk left , or both of yours? wink

OvO Thu 29-Aug-13 13:35:39

I'd have been a bit annoyed too. My DH does stuff like this and is genuinely trying to help me out but see it as him not listening! It can be so frustrating. Im not controlling but sometimes when I've said the plan is X and he's done his own thing it pisses me off. Then I mustn't be annoyed as he had good intentions. hmm No thought that there were actual reasons I planned X in the first place.

It's only occasionally this stuff happens so no need for either of us to plan to LTB. wink

kmc1111 Thu 29-Aug-13 13:41:47

But Chipping if he just made cheesy pasta, it's not like he used up a zillion ingredients or any specialized ingredients. I can't think of an actual dietary need that would require the OP to have anything that's in cheesy pasta right at that moment (and he did offer to go get milk anyway). I'm assuming she found something else to eat since there's nothing about going hungry, so it does seem like she just fancied a particular meal, rather than that being the only thing she could eat. It would be different if, say, she were vegan and he used up all her tofu and left her with mince, or if she was gluten intolerant (which seems to be implied) and he fed the kids all the gluten free bread and left her with the regular bread, but I can't think of anything in cheesy pasta that would create a situation like that.

OP I don't think you are BU to be annoyed that you couldn't have what you planned to have for dinner. It's a let-down when you know what you want to eat and can't have it for whatever reason. But it's not your DH's fault unless you told him specifically to not use the ingredients you were planning to use because you needed them. He's not a mind-reader. He was just trying to save you a job by getting the kids meal sorted. Forget about telling him not to make dinner, what if he'd not done that but just used the ingredients you planned on using to make himself a snack? Do you want him to inquire about whether an ingredient is spoken for every time he get's himself something to eat? If your diet requires it or it just really bugs you, you need to meal plan together so your DH knows exactly what he can and can't use.

TakingThePea Thu 29-Aug-13 13:49:43

When did this happen? Your writing is in the present but you wrote the OP this morning.

Presuming it was last night, have you kissed and made up

I would have just sent a text saying sorry was rushed and stressed, have a good evening

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 13:52:47

Gods God. Let's just hang, draw and quarter the poor man for feeding his kids shall we? Do most of you always have to be in control all of the time? Why on earth should the OP issue orders that he must follow anyway? He is a grown man not a child and he is more than capable of bathing and feeding his children without being given line by line instruction!!

The way some of you must live astounds me. You moan that men don't do enough and then critise them when they take the initiative. You are not in control of them! They are grown ups!

littlemog Thu 29-Aug-13 13:53:14

Sorry for any typos. Am on iPhone!

scallopsrgreat Thu 29-Aug-13 14:06:18

Do most of you always have to be in control all of the time? Far from it littlemog. I would expect the OPs DH to be far more in control than he appears to be in this situation. I mean not aware that you are running out of milk?

And SaucyJack is right this should be viewed as him doing what a parent does, not 'helping'. So why did he get stressed about it and why did it end up inconveniencing Peanate (and the family) more than if he hadn't done it. It really isn't a difficult thing to juggle.

everlong Thu 29-Aug-13 14:12:53

He picked the kids up, he got them home and bathed them and made their tea.

Imo he seems very in control tbh. Considering he had to be out the house at 6pm!

He could have got home, plonked them in front of the tv and left bath and food for the OP.

But no, the bastard had other plans.

Rosa Thu 29-Aug-13 14:29:06


Just checked back in and seen that Chipping and littlemog have picked up on my envy at your predicament!

That's so lovely of you. And yes, I do get mightily pissed off. But that's a whole other story. Sorry OP, thread hijack over!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 29-Aug-13 20:22:18

KMC - well, I suppose it depends on what he used. He probably used cheese, milk and lots of veg with the pasta. If I had planned on using the cheese and veg to make my dinner and he had used them up I'd probably end up nibbling on almonds instead as I can't eat pasta nor flour (if he had used that to make the cheese sauce).

She didn't say 'Can you put the kids in the bath and I'll do their tea' just because she fancied a change in their normal routine... there was obviously a reason for it. He just didn't think - was that a one off or is it the 'norm' for him resulting in her feeling pretty crap. We wont know unless she posts again.

Bamboobambino - not everyone wants to eat their dinner at 5.30. It doesn't mean that all those kids will grow up with eating disorders for goodness sake.

Mimishimi Thu 29-Aug-13 22:15:07

Maybe he wasn't trying to sabotage his wife's diet, maybe they were hungry when they got home from school and he made a huge portion of cheesy pasta (easy to overestimate exactly how much you will need) and he put the leftovers in the fridge. Perhaps the OP generally takes a long time to prepare dinner for both herself and the kids. I don't think it sends a bad message to eat seperately though.I think you should apologise OP.

Lumpybumpymuma Thu 29-Aug-13 22:19:46

Yabu..... but I would have acted in the same way! Don't mess with my food plans angry!

Send him an apology so you can both enjoy your evenings without a cloud hanging over you.

Tilly333 Thu 29-Aug-13 22:40:30

Been there done that (or similar). Makes you feel really guilty after doesn't it? Just kiss and make up when he gets home - life really is too short and there are more important things to worry about (just make sure he NEVER does it again!)

littlemog Fri 30-Aug-13 09:16:17

Just make sure he never does it again

What a ridiculous controlling comment. The guy fed his children FGS!

WallaceWindsock Fri 30-Aug-13 09:21:37

Why is everyone missing the bit where OP states that pasta gives her stomach cramps. Surely her DP is aware of this, so I'd be pretty angry if he made dinner with an ingredient that would cause me pain and discomfort. Under those circumstances I can totally see why she snapped at him.

fascicle Fri 30-Aug-13 10:10:40

WallaceWindsock See OP's OP:

I'm not eating the same food as the kids (or him) in the evenings these days so make my dinner separately most nights.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:16:30

But Wallace he made the pasta for his children. His DW doesn't eat with them normally.

What makes me laugh on MN is that men can't do anything right.

He picked them up, got them bathed and fed them. Some women on here would give their liver for that.

But no it's still not good enough.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:17:51

Tilly you speak like he's a naughty puppy.

He's a frigging grown man that chose to feed his hungry children.


ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 10:23:33

everlong so are you saying she should be grateful because he picked them up, put them in the bath and made them dinner?

Is there a reason why this precludes him using his brain to think 'that might be for DW's dinner'

It's not that men can't do anything right - it's that picking up, bathing and feeding your children doesn't earn you a medal - Mum OR Dad and doesn't absolve you from actually having to be considerate to your partner and use your brain.

Wallace yes, they are, they seem to be ignoring the fact that he used ingredients she was planning to use for her dinner, to make something she asked him not to make, he added them to food she can't eat - and she's supposed to be grateful hmm

Still, the OP hasn't been back since yesterday morning, so I suspect she is over it while we are still debating it grin Time for coffee.

Bogeyface Fri 30-Aug-13 10:25:43

He picked them up, got them bathed and fed them.

You mean like women do all of the time and are expected to do by virtue of owning a vagina? Big deal!

And you know what those same women do? They think "Oooh, we need milk for the morning, so better not use too much now and DH cant eat X so I will give that to the kids and leave the Y for him". They THINK about what needs to be done/arranged/ready.

But because the poor wee manny actually looked after his own kids for an hour and prepared them some food we should all bow down to his amazingness as a father and gloss over the fact that he was, at best, thoughtless and uncaring of the OPs food intolerance and the chaos in the morning when there is not enough milk. hmm

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:36:49

Grateful? No.

Understanding of the fact that he was the one that picked them up, probably hungry and chose to feed them.

Some men would have ignored it. Some men would have been to busy getting themselves ready to be out the door for 6pm.

But he thought about his wife getting in then having to start making a meal for two tired, hungry kids.

How is there anything wrong with this?

Because if you honestly thing he was wrong I give up.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:41:19

Bogey you sound so bitter.

Who's saying what he did was amazing?

He didn't want any praise I doubt, it sounds like he's used to looking after his kids.

I just doubt he expected a bollocking for feeding them before he rushed out in so that his wife didn't have to.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 10:42:20

Some men would have ignored it. Some men would have been to busy getting themselves ready to be out the door for 6pm

So, we're back again to 'what a hero' hmm

But he thought about his wife getting in then having to start making a meal for two tired, hungry kids

Does this mean he's unable to think 'I wont use all the milk/cheese/veg otherwise what will Wife have for her dinner?' Does she not matter?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 10:44:04

He didn't get a bollocking for feeding them, he got snapped at for using ingredients that the OP had planned on using for her dinner.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 10:45:14

Chipping I'm stating a fact. That some men would have ignored the fact their dc were hungry and that would have given you all reason to rip him apart.

Of course his wife matters. But at that moment in time when his dc are hungry do you think she comes before them?

Bogeyface Fri 30-Aug-13 11:09:44

Bogey you sound so bitter.

I am! I am bitter because every day on MN are women who are at their wits end because they do everything themselves and get told to micro manage their OH's because as men they "dont see the dirt" or "men's minds are different to womens" or "Get a cleaner". FFS! It is NOT too much to expect that he feeds his kids but it is also NOT too much to expect that he consider the rest of the family when doing so.

Would you feed your children a particular meal knowing full well that it would leave your OH with nothing to eat because of an intolerance? Or would you think about it and give them something else?

All the OP is asking for is a little forethought and consideration but because he is a man, it seems like she should just be bloody grateful he did anything at all and let the fact that she had to scrat around for her meal go.

"At least he did X Y Z" yeah and?! The fact that other men dont makes them shitheads, not him a hero.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 11:16:01

If I really couldn't eat what the rest of the family ate I would make sure there a stock pile of my particular food.

I reckon.

And I'm puzzled to why you feel bitter towards this guy.

He isn't one of the many men that so many woman harp on about on here.

Quite rightly he does muck in.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 11:18:26

' I'm an ungrateful controlling cow aren't I ' the OP's words.

Bogeyface Fri 30-Aug-13 11:23:48

I am bitter on behalf of womenkind who are told by each other that this kind of thing is ok.

And you would have your own block of cheese? Your own milk? Your own...tomatoes?!

Yes he does muck in but its not much use if it creates a bigger problem than there was to start with. The OP said "Dont cook, I'll do it as you are going out". No problem. Except he did and a) used up ingredients for her meal and b) the milk that they needed for the kids breakfast. 2 problems that he created.

Can you not see that a little forethought would have saved all of this? And saying "ah well, atleast he did something" doesnt excuse the lack of consideration.

Bamboobambino Fri 30-Aug-13 11:36:53

Chipping. I never mentioned in my posts that the OP had to eat at the same time as the kids. I was just raising an eyebrow that she would could not bring herself to eat what seems like fairly nutritious food, cooked by her DH with the best intentions. It smacks of dietary 'over-control' and carb avoidance. Very few people are truly intolerant of pasta. Could she not have eaten a small amount, grateful for the fact that the kids are fed, thus saving a job. The kids could have toast in the morning instead of cereal no? I say thus with concern after a long personal history of eating disorder and obsession with my weight. I'm very conscious that i want to put my food behaviours to one side and not expose my kids to them. Just suggesting the OP considers the message this separate meals business sends to the kids!

I may be utterly stupid but if the OP doesn't eat pasta and he made cheesy pasta, then how did he use what she was going to have for dinner?

Because in my house cheese is not a dinner. So if DH or dd or ds1 made macaroni cheese for example, they wouldn't think of not using cheese in case it was for my dinner.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 11:40:56

I'm puzzled to what this kind of thing is.

His misdemeanour was not to check first there was enough milk and cheese. Did he know that his wife was planning on using those ingredients? It doesn't say so I doubt it.

I run out of milk sometimes.. I don't work, what's my excuse?

No one is perfect. The OP and her DH sound like a good team who work hard and work together.

I just feel fed up that women can pick a guy like this apart for not checking the amount of milk he had in first.

I only see it that he was thinking of his wife coming home probably tired, him rushing out and having to bath and then feed their children.

Bamboobambino Fri 30-Aug-13 11:40:58

I wondered that too?

I ran out of milk and bread yesterday. I just sent ds1 to the shop before I left for work so we could have breakfast.
DH left early and I guess he got breakfast on the way to work.

Its not the crime of the century....you run out of milk in the evening, so you go to the shop to buy some for breakfast. Its not that hard is it?

I fear I may have totally missed the tone and point of this thread because I am confused why cheese and milk has caused so much trouble

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 11:47:51

everlong Of course his wife matters. But at that moment in time when his dc are hungry do you think she comes before them?

She didn't need to come 'before them' there was obviously other food in the house that was suitable/intended for them, that she had been going to cook.

She had made sure there was suitable food for both her and the children.

Agree with Bogey.

Bamboo I am sorry that you have an eating disorder, that must be very hard.

However, that doesn't mean that other people can't be allergic to certain foods, intolerant of others or just not want to eat a lot of processed carbs. Eating something as nutritionally lacking as cheesy pasta just because someone else has made it, isn't 'looking after yourself' either.

You said Disagree with some of the above. Notwithstanding food allergies etc, better to give kids the message that we all eat the same as a family, healthy wholesome food, rather than mummy eats something else. Runs the risk of normalising faddy eating or preoccupation with calorie control/weight

If Mum is eating after they are in bed, then it doesn't matter what she is eating, so what was the point in saying that if you aren't implying they should be eating together confused

What exactly is 'healty' about cheesy pasta??

What is wrong with avoiding processed carbs?

She has already said it gives her a stomach ache - why the hell would she eat it?

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 11:52:25

He didn't know that his wife was planning to use the milk and cheese.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 11:52:48

Tantrums I am assuming he used up all the cheese (& possibly vegetables) that she was planning on using to make her dinner. Cheese is not 'a meal' (but the veg are) it can certainly be the glue that's holding the meal together.

I'm with you tantrums! All a bit mountain and molehill in here.

See OP had not come back to explain what dinner she was intending to make and what she had instead.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 11:54:37

Anyway, it's all a bit daft. She didn't tell him to pack his bags and leave, she snapped at him, he snapped back and quite probably neither of them have given it another thought whilst we are all here debating the issue, which seems daft grin

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 12:00:04

Yep you're right chipping.

I think we need these holidays to end rapid.

Ds4 has had 9 weeks off and ds5 has had 8 weeks off.

Counting the minutes down grin

9 WEEKS????

Id be on my knees sobbing by then.

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 12:10:36

Yep 9 long weeks.

He's nearly 14 so it's not that bad. Just lots of ferrying about, loud music, feeding his mates and constantly needing money!

littlemog Fri 30-Aug-13 12:49:54

Bogey why so bitter and angry?

And let's just flip this shall we - to get a bit of perspective? What if it was the OP who had bathed and fed the kids after she had rushed back from work? Maybe because she was in a rush, she had used the 'wrong' ingredients to make supper? What if it was her husband who had charged in late just before she had to attend an important black tie affair and torn a strip off her and made her feel like shit as she left? Just because he could not now have his 'special supper'?

Who would be the horrible bastard then....oh yes, it would be the MAN wouldn't it? Utterly ridiculous, bile filled twaddle posted on this thread. Very eye opening.

Montybojangles Fri 30-Aug-13 13:04:26

Can't believe how ridiculous this has become.

I don't see the op stating that there was no food for her dinner, just not for the one she had planned. Unless her DH is a mind reader, how the feck would he have known that? Especially as she weirdly always eats separately, he probably just leaves her to it.

Nowhere does the op state that he is a lazy cunt who never does anything, she actually explains that they take it in turns to sort the kids etc.

I see no difference as to whether is was husband or wife who did this, and i am of the opinion that the op wasout of order and nasty to her partner who was going out on what shouldmhave been a pleasant evening. but I suppose people project their own circumstances/issues onto things and so post from that perspective.

Montybojangles Fri 30-Aug-13 13:05:06

Excuse typos, stupid phone.

AmberLeaf Fri 30-Aug-13 13:07:25

He bathed the children and made their dinner, so why is the food wasted if it was to feed the children? Im confused by that.

It also doesn't make him a hero, how ridiculous, but it doesn't make him wrong because he just did what any parent would do surely?

Also confused as to how he wasted your dinner ingredients if you dont eat cheese/pasta?

littlemog Fri 30-Aug-13 13:38:21

Good post Monty.

I do feel that there are come posters on here who really don't like men very much and whatever a man does is wrong and the woman must always be right. Even when, as here, the OP is clearly out of order (and knows it herself).

Lovecat Fri 30-Aug-13 14:12:34

And there are some posters on here who really don't like women and won't hesitate to stick the boot in at the slightest excuse.

Takes all sorts.

As the OP hasn't come back, I hope all is resolved. However, NONE of us are mind readers and without the following info none of us are really in a position to judge:

- Did the DH know that the OP needed the food he used (pasta aside) for her evening meal? If he knew and used it anyway, he's a git. If not, then better communication is clearly needed.

- Exactly what words were used to ask him not to cook? If he was asked not to cook 'because I've planned what they'll have and what I'll have separately' and he went ahead then he's an eejit. If not, then he can't really be blamed for using whatever he could find, although if I'd specifically asked DH not to cook (not that he ever does), I'd be flabbergasted very mildly ticked off if he had.

The using all the milk thing is pants and I'd be miffed. DH doesn't cook at all but he knows damn well to ask if the milk is earmarked for something before using it all, and has enough common sense to know that DD needs some in the morning for her weetabix.

There have been a lot of unpleasant assumptions made about the OP on this thread and it would be nice if she could come back and let us know the detail, but it wouldn't surprise me if she'd been put off coming back.

littlemog Fri 30-Aug-13 15:11:28

Not noticed any woman haters on this thread at all.

Plenty of overblown flabbers being gasted though. grin

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 15:22:38

Everlong 8 & 9 weeks - jesus wept woman, it's a wonder you are still able to post coherent sentences, definitely time for the little darlings to go back to school! Have a wine and some cake on me smile x

<studiously ignores other posts>

Lovecat Fri 30-Aug-13 15:28:02

I don't believe I used the word 'hate'. There do seem to be some women who are so threatened by the idea that a man should be expected to have some commonsense and forethought when it comes to his family that they will pour scorn and abuse upon anyone who does expect it.

Ho hum. Ishoos.

Lovecat Fri 30-Aug-13 15:28:13

Oops. Forgot the grin

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 16:02:40

I know chipping! And I have PMT too. <scoffs cake and wine>

I think a lot of women are struggling and ready for next week.

Lovecat. Of course I don't hate women. I am one. If this was the wife that had picked the kids up, bathed them and fed them before she rushed out the door, then the DH had come home and snapped because his wife had used his ingredients ( that she didn't know he wanted to use ) I would have said the same. That he was out of order. Promise.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 30-Aug-13 16:19:39

Everlong - I'm sending you chocolate vibes!!! notlongnow notlongnow notlongnow notlongnow

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 16:52:16

Thank you! Chocolate is always appreciated.

<will start the diet next week> grin

littlemog Fri 30-Aug-13 17:03:52

Well as a teacher I feel that your getting excited about next week is just plan mean.

Can I have some chocolate too...(hopeful)...?

everlong Fri 30-Aug-13 17:10:57


But you've had months off wink

littlemog Fri 30-Aug-13 17:32:39

A mere 8 weeks. grin

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