AIBU to think will I fuck apologies

(111 Posts)
AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 18:42:50

literally just happened, and I'm now sat upstairs seething.

I'm sat in the sitting room, oh is in the kitchen with dc2 who starts screaming crying (now I should add to be balanced that she has the EXACT same cry wether she is seriously hurt or has just been told no) I shout in 'what's happened?' no answer, I ask again, no answer.

I'm now in panic mode (oh is prone to freezing in emergency situations, just sat watching once when dc3 was choking) I run into the kitchen dc is screaming, I'm now shouting loudly 'for gods sake what's happened!!!, while picking her up, he's standing there looking like Mr Bean, I'm shouting 'don't just stand there, tell me what happened!!!'. He finally says that she had bumped her face off of his elbow.

I take her in and came her down. Oh starts stomping around, throwing things around, I ask him why he's doing it, he starts saying how I've spiking to him appallingly that I've to apologies to him and not to try and excuse my behaviour, etc, etc.

Seriously, do I have anything to apologies for?!

AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 18:44:39

spoken (though I feel like fucking spiking him).

RiotsNotDiets Tue 27-Aug-13 18:45:53

It sounds like you both need to take a step back. He probably feels really guilty for hurting DD and reacted badly to you panicking because of this.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 27-Aug-13 18:46:26

Probably yes you do. I also tend towards's a nightmare for others at times. I am like this woman

MortifiedAdams Tue 27-Aug-13 18:46:39

Yes you do.

She was woth her dad. Has the same cry regardless - if it was serioous, her father was there to deal.with it.

Panzee Tue 27-Aug-13 18:47:08

I don't know, but you're clearly upset. Don't decide if you need to apologise till you're feeling better. Have a cup of tea and a biccie, or a v small glass of wine. smile

Hmm, tricky. I can understand that you were shocked and worried and I'd be annoyed at DH if he just stood there gawping while DD was hurt. However, it doesn't sound like he actually did anything wrong, but you still shouted at him. In your shoes I'd apologise. But he also needs to accept that his behaviour induces panic. Sounds like you both need better strategies to communicate in these kinds of situations, it's not making either of you very happy. sad

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 18:49:15

He's being a plank.
I wouldn't apologise.
Why wasn't he cuddling her? That would make me furious.

meditrina Tue 27-Aug-13 18:49:48

Ya, you do.

DD's cry was nothing out of the ordinary. But you shout because you didn't get an immediate answer. And then shout some more. And then remove DD from her father.

You cannot assess or deal with an emergency if you are shouting as you describe. You appear to have added only your own tantrum to the whole situation.

AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 18:49:58

I just don't feel that I shouted at him more in his general vicinity (could I get awat with that, hmm)

Sirzy Tue 27-Aug-13 18:50:06

Sounds like you over reacted and he under reacted.

Say sorry and move on.

gamerchick Tue 27-Aug-13 18:51:26

I would be the same as you.. total exasperation. If my dude just sat watching while my kid choked I would do exactly the same in any future situation.

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 18:51:46

I suggest he needs better strategies of communication. He could start by actually speaking!

gamerchick Tue 27-Aug-13 18:52:04

and no I wouldn't apologise... because it would follow with a but...

RiotsNotDiets Tue 27-Aug-13 18:53:18

Don't play games in relationships OP, nobody wins.

You both need to say sorry, have a laugh about it and a cuddle and like Mango says, you need to discuss better strategies for this sort of thing when you've both calmed down.

WhoNickedMyName Tue 27-Aug-13 18:55:52

He was probably too stunned at you running in shouting like a fishwife. Between that and the child's screams he probably couldn't hear himself think, never mind formulate a coherent answer.

Yes you need to apologise.

OTTMummA Tue 27-Aug-13 18:55:57

I wouldn't apologise, but I would explain why his behaviour makes you react this way as I am th same with my DH.

Drives me fucking mad, just standing there indifferent while one of them is screaming or crying and not answering my simple question so I can sort whatever it is out.


pianodoodle Tue 27-Aug-13 18:56:17

Why didn't he just tell you what happened? I hate that!

We were on the motorway (I was driving) yesterday and DH let out "Oh Fuck" and started flapping around and it wasn't until the 3rd time I said "what?" (each time getting more panicked) that he said "Oh sorry it was a wasp"

The way he reacted made me think I was about to career into a ditch!

Viviennemary Tue 27-Aug-13 18:59:36

It sounds as if there are faults on both sides. So just forget about it and move on. He for not acting and you for yelling. But who is perfect!

OTTMummA Tue 27-Aug-13 18:59:54

Makes you feel like you can't trust him with them though which is exhausting!

Number of times I come home from work and one of them has a bump or something and he has no idea when, how where etc.

Sodding useless sometimes!
Or even better when I ask a simple question politely,, no response and arm again slightly louder and he yells 'I said yes!' -- no you fucking didn't! Why would I ask again if I heard you speak before?? Muppet.

blueemerald Tue 27-Aug-13 19:00:09

If my partner had, in the past, sat and watched our child choke you're damn right I would shout if he was gaping at our hysterical child. Sometimes shouting is all that will snap someone out of their panic.

OP, I suspect he feels guilty because he knows his behaviour is useless but he can't control it. I wouldn't apologise but try and explain you had no way of knowing if she was having a tantrum, cut herself, been electrocuted etc.....

AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 19:00:41

We've discussed it in the recent past, there have been numerous situations that have brought me to this reaction, which yes does happen fairly often.

He just doesn't react, his instincts when it comes to the kids is fucked. He has watched as our 7 month old has fallen off the bed because he underestimates her movements, he casually strolls out to the garden when dc2 has gotten hurt when playing, mainly it's not been serious, but there has been occasions where she has been hurt, I'm saying to him you have to get out there quickly you havnt seen what's happened.

I don't feel I can trust his responses when it comes to accidents or injuries so I end up over reacting just to get the information of what's happened while he just stands there like a wally.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 19:01:27

From your OP, you were shouting before you knew what'd happened, which wasn't OTT if you knew he'd sat there before watching on while your DC3 was choking.

You were trying to work out what was going on, which could have been anything, him standing there saying nothing is weird and definitely needed something to snap him out of it.

YANBU, definitely not, let him strop away.

What does he think you should have done, knowing what you know about how he acts? Just float in not bothered because your DC was shouting the house down (whether she's a drama queen or not, you can react to that after you know how serious it is/is not).

TooMuchRain Tue 27-Aug-13 19:02:40

Sounds like a major over-reaction unless you really don't trust your OH to look after his child - which seems unusual if you have three chldren together

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 19:05:11

OP's got good reason not to trust his reactions TooMuch, she says why in the OP.

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 19:08:01

I wouldn't trust him with my goldfish, let alone a child!

What were his thoughts on his (non)reaction to the choking? Has he addressed his issues at all?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 27-Aug-13 19:08:12

The DC was not choking today...that was a past incident!

gamerchick Tue 27-Aug-13 19:08:36

But it sticks in your head though.

meditrina Tue 27-Aug-13 19:09:25

Well, if you already know you really cannot trust him to look after DC, that means he cannot be left in sole charge of them.

You will either have to do all the childcare, or hire professional carers if you want any time to yourself before their bedtime.

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 19:09:47

Yes neo, but the op had no way of knowing that at the time, so in her mind Dd could well have been in grave danger.

TheSecondComing Tue 27-Aug-13 19:10:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thefirstmrsrochester Tue 27-Aug-13 19:10:59

Pianodoodle my DH does that when I'm driving. Gives me the proper rage (once I've calmed down from almost careering off the road due to his hysterical flapping).
I might actually ban him from being a passenger in the car as its too stressful.

googietheegg Tue 27-Aug-13 19:11:44

You do need to apologise. There is nothing more annoying than someone shouting from another room when you're in the middle of a tricky situation.

FreeWee Tue 27-Aug-13 19:12:12

My DH is like this. Over or under reacts at random. Sometimes I feel I have to parent him which can involve me shouting at him. I always apologise for shouting because we're adults and shouldn't really shout at each other but then explain why and suggest what he could have done differently to a) make the situation better if it happened again and b) mean I don't feel the need to shout at him again.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 27-Aug-13 19:12:40

Why is OP in the wrong for 'shouting like a fishwife' (lovely sexist phrase there too) whereas her other half gets a free pass for not apologising to his DD for accidentally bumping her, standing there gaping like a haddock (since we're on a fish theme) and notanswering OP, twice, when she asked what the matter was? Oh, sorry, he couldn't think coherently with all the noise. Seriously?

YANBU. Tell him if he answers you next time you ask what's wrong there will be no need for any of this and it doesn't became a grown man to sulk and strop.

AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 19:13:38

His reaction and responses to the kids when injured or ill, I feel, just aren't appropriate. It makes it incredibly difficult for mecto trust him when in sole care of them.

He's a very loving dad and is thoroughly adored by our dc, but yes I can't fully entrust him with their physical safety.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 27-Aug-13 19:13:49

He freezes, you panic. Sounds like you both need to sort yourselves out, I dread to think how either of you would cope in an actual emergency.

thefirstmrsrochester Tue 27-Aug-13 19:14:02

Oh, and you may have shrieked, but he has stomped off in a toddler huff so it's him who has handled the situation poorly. I wouldn't be the first to apologise here.

IfYouLoveSomebodyLetThemSleep Tue 27-Aug-13 19:14:53

Fair enough you can't trust him, but coming in screaming like a banshee is not going to give you the information you want. If you react like that every time something happens then I'm not surprised he struggles to form a response.

I think you should apologise for over reacting.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 19:15:37

Catching her with his elbow isn't quite smashing her in the face TSC, that suggests he did it on purpose.

Even if he's got a problem getting past that rooted to the ground thing, which is pretty normal I think in a traumatic/dangerous situation, everyday things like ignoring a small child with no reaction whatsoever when they're crying (for whatever reason, why wasn't he comforting her or telling her it's not that bad etc) is very unusual.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 19:16:48

'Tricky situation' googie?

What was he doing that was tricky? He was standing looking on, doing nothing.

TooMuchRain Tue 27-Aug-13 19:18:02

You're right agent but I really can't get my head round the OP having three children with someone she doesn't trust - or is has his behaviour changed recently?

AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 19:20:51

With the choking incident (2 days ago) after I had dealt with baby (I'm very good in a crisis having resuscitated my sister over 100 times since I was 7 thanks very much) I calmly asked him what he would have done if I hadn't been there, his response was, stick his fingers down her throat to make her sick and bring it up.

I've now signed him up to infant first aid classes. Knowing what to do in a situation really won't do much good if your reactions are so slow that damage has already been done.

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 19:21:43

I find it creepy that he hurt her (not meaning too) and just stood there, staring at her whilst she cried.
Has he apologised to Dd yet?

AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 19:22:28

Also I was in another room, I shouted in to check what was wrong, if he needed any help, I asked again when I didn't get a response I took it that something was seriously wrong.

justanuthermanicmumsday Tue 27-Aug-13 19:24:20

I think you were one edge he wasn't reactivpng like you were so you assumed he didn't care. He obviously knew who had happened was highly stressed and upset by it all, was gathering his thoughts or trying to keep his emotions calm rather than busting a fuse. You sound the opposite like you expressed your emotions loudly and physically. It doesn't mean he cares any less about the children.

I'm the same as him I think. Because I am prone to losing my temper I do sometimes check myself before going berserk and sit there quiet. So if my kid is sick whilst eating and ruins my meal I often sit there before responding because I don't want to vent my anger on my kids. Husband does say what's wrong with you. But I'd rather be calm than losing it.

as you know him well I'm sure you knew in your heart nothing dangerous had occurred, if for example the child had choked I'm she hed be there trying to removing the obstruction. He sounds like he takes a more relaxed approach.

I would apologise for shouting at him, but explain why as well, he may be more vocal next time? No need to spend the day being mad at each other life's too short.

BoozyBear Tue 27-Aug-13 19:26:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TarkaTheOtter Tue 27-Aug-13 19:33:14

Why not just say "I'm sorry I shouted, I thought something was seriously wrong because of x incident I'm a bit panicky when you go all quiet like that".

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 19:33:46

'you have resuscitated your sister over 100 times since you were 7'.

says it all really op. you are understandably in a daily 'fight or flight' state with your own children because if your upbringing and your dh is totally intimidated at your ability to cope in an emergency so is too scared to dive in.

your dd is taking advantage if this to play you off against each other and screams like 'a banchee' to see you jump into action as its fun.

you need to calm down and not expect death in ever corner, send him to first aid classes ( and don't be so dramatic as not trusting him with his own kids ffs)

and if your dd screams like this with little provocation send her to its naughty unless she's really hurt. noone likes a drama queen of any age.

Therealamandaclarke Tue 27-Aug-13 19:44:57

I think I agree with tarka
But I wouldn't admit to panicking.

Dobbiesmum Tue 27-Aug-13 19:51:55

I was going to suggest a first aid class for him OP, that's exactly what sorted my DH after he froze when DD1 started to choke one time. I'd had first aid training and had kept it up to date through my employers for years so didn't panic, just sorted her out. He was panicking but in a 'frozen' sort of way. It was the same if the DC's fell over etc for a while.
When he had to do his own first aid training it changed his reaction completely. He's trained to use Defibrilators as well now and is a damn sight calmer is a crisis!

Lazyjaney Tue 27-Aug-13 19:56:27

Put yourself in the reverse position, and decide how you would want to be treated OP, as that day will come.

AnitaManeater Tue 27-Aug-13 19:58:48

My OH is exactly the same. I react exactly the same as you. Like fuck would I apologise.

Why is ok for him to sit there doing nothing and not responding either?

Squitten Tue 27-Aug-13 20:03:07

So, the child was crying/screaming right there beside him and he was just stood there doing absolutely nothing?!

That sounds really disturbing! At what point was he going to attend to the choking baby - when she went purple?!

AuchAyethenoo Tue 27-Aug-13 20:04:30

He is fucking me the fuck off just now!

MoominsYonisAreScary Tue 27-Aug-13 20:06:01

I wouldn't apologize, I can totally understand people freezing in an emergancy, I remember my nana doing it when I was about 5 and my little sister fell down the stairs.

However all he did was knock her in the face with his elbow its not like she was going to be seriously hurt and it was hardly a reason to freeze!

Id be asking him what the hells wrong with him

Ledkr Tue 27-Aug-13 20:06:42

Have to say that my dh is the same and it drives me mad.
I often think its some kind of disorder.
We are potty training dd at the moment.
Can you imagine?

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Tue 27-Aug-13 20:06:42

I would not apologise. Unless dh is deaf why the fuck did he ignore your increasingly anxious questioning? Twat.

meditrina Tue 27-Aug-13 20:09:10

If OP doesn't trust him with the DC and thinks this leads to excessive risk of harm, then she must not leave him with them.

If that is OTT, then perhaps so are the rest of OP's reactions? Or not? The lack of trust seems to have been around for rather longer than one flashpoint incident now. And it's a biggie - existential for the whole family, really.

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 20:12:26

I think you should give each other a bit of space until you are calm enough to talk it through.
I would be fucking pissed off in your shoes but I don't think a big row will solve anything here.

Some people get riled and angry when they have behaved badly. Could that be why your H is pissing you off? Kind of attack is the best the best form of defence....

The first aid corse sounds like a really positive move smile

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 20:14:19

Course not corse

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 20:17:24

look I don't mean to he nasty but perhaps your dh thinks you are both a bit dramatic.

you say your dd screams for the least thing and you overreact to a bump in the face.

as I said before your previous experience with your sister must have affected you and makes you expect the worse but really I can't actually see what your dh has some wrong.

your dd is ok. you are all ok. get him some first aid classes, don't allow tour dd to scream at the least thing and maybe you need some counselling to get over your trauma as a child. that must have affected you. it would anyone.

AllOutOfIdeas Tue 27-Aug-13 20:19:15

I wouldn't be apologizing. It took you 4 attempts to get a response out of him to tell you what had happened.

He had 2 chances to let you know what had happened before you even went to check what was wrong.

BeaWheesht Tue 27-Aug-13 20:21:26

Dh is a bit like this, if the kids are ill / hurt he just assumes they'll be ok. Dd is 2 and if she starts crying a hurt cry I obviously go to her but Dh just carries on regardless. It stresses me out massively because 100% of responsibility is on me and I feel terrible saying this but I feel vvvv nervous if I have to leave them with him for any length of time (eg a weekend, not a few hours) because he just a) doesn't perceive danger and predict disaster b) is extremely unobswrvant and c) has no sense of urgency.


AllOutOfIdeas Tue 27-Aug-13 20:23:53

Actually, thinking about it, is he annoyed with himself and projecting on to you?

He can yell at you for shouting at him but really he is mad at himself for freezing?

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 20:24:19

you can play mind games and both of you stomp and wait for apologies or you can act like adults and talk.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 20:31:00

Don't you make any kind of move towards a child screaming their head off thebody?

Even when you've clunked their head with your elbow and hurt them?

I would go to a child I didn't know and do something, and give some sort of answer to anyone asking what had gone on.

Agree with Squitten, disturbing is exactly the right word for saying and doing nothing (and I'm not given to talk overly much, and I'm definitely not a drama queen, but DD1 is the biggest drama queen this side of Texas, all on her own with no influence from me or DH).

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 27-Aug-13 20:35:19

And still the OP is expected to fix this for him, then? 'Get him some first aid classes': is he incapable of picking up the phone himself, then? So many responses here are thoroughly infantilising this man and picking on the OP for all the flaws in her response. 'Instead of 'why have you had three children with him if you don't trust him?' how about 'how can this man have fathered three children, yet still not know how to deal with an accidental bump to one of them appropriately?' hmm

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 27-Aug-13 20:36:27

thebody so everyone else around this bloke (his partner, their daughter, the other kids) has to modify their behaviour so as not to make him feel bad, but his is fine? hmm

Therealamandaclarke Tue 27-Aug-13 20:36:38

I think thebody is talking sense.
I can see why you are annoyed with him. I think it sounds like you beame stressed very quickly on hearing your dd crying and were pissed off that he ignored you.
He shouldn't have ignored you but maybe he was pissed off with you shouting when there was nothing serious going on.

Neither of you has done anything terrible. And neither of you handled the situation brilliantly.
kiss and make up?

Therealamandaclarke Tue 27-Aug-13 20:40:18

Well, everybody should have first aid classes IMO.
That's not the op's responsibility to organise. But the suggestion has to come from somewhere.

Trouble is, this wans't a first aid situation.

I think there's a possibility of distorted perception in OP's repost of the incident. If one is stressed enough to be shouting the often the real picture doesn't appear clearly.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 20:47:56

get him some classes or him phoning. don't be silly that's just semantics. everyone in our house has had first aid training including my older dds and teen dds.

the op describes her dd as screaming her head off and that's quite normal for her remember. the op 'runs' into the kitchen and shouts. to be honest that would piss me right off as the other patent in the room. perhaps he was assessing the situation which is a lot more use than scooping up a 'hurt' child.

Agent, my child was very seriously injured in a crash while I wasn't with her. thankfully the adults who survived were able to help by acting cooly and assessing her injuries.

this however wasn't a first aid situation and the inky one infantilising the husband here is the op who doesn't trust him and posters supporting her.

sounds like far far too much drama in this house over nothing.

WafflyVersatile Tue 27-Aug-13 20:49:54

I'd apologise for shouting but ask why he didn't just shout 'she's ok' as it was being scared something serious had happened that made you shout.

As a general rule apologising for shouting is the right thing to do.

McNewPants2013 Tue 27-Aug-13 20:52:36

I don't know why he froze in the first place.

If he accidentally knocked someone in a public place would he just stand there.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 20:58:19

maybe he was trying not to overreact like his dd and wife do.

honest not trying to be horrible op. your post days how you had to regularly resuscitate your sister and trauma like that stays with you.

I absolutely understand as after dds terrible accident I too expected trauma around every corner and am now getting counselling.

don't underestimate what you have been through and how this can transfer to your family.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 21:01:16

Hope your DD's OK the body.

But you think the DH did nothing wrong (I think, might have been typos at the end of the sentence you wrote on that bit) insinuating that with a child screaming in front of you, you'd have done the same.

If his behaviour wasn't disturbing by your reckoning, is that the way you react in that situation?

I don't like overreactions, they make me feel less sympathy not more, but no reaction either way is just so odd, and if you don't think it is I was wondering why.

AllOutOfIdeas Tue 27-Aug-13 21:06:15

But the op hasn't said her dc is a screamer.

She said her cry is the same whether hurt or been told no.

I can tell by my dcs different cry whether its an "I am hurt" or "daddy said no biscuit" or "my sister snatched my toy" cry.

Op was just stating she can't do this. So it needed a "she's fine" from her dp. He didn't do that.

Therealamandaclarke Tue 27-Aug-13 21:10:30

Has he calmed down yet? Stomping and throwing things is not at all nice for anyone.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 21:10:50

she's doing good thanks Agent.

I do see how his reaction could look odd but he may have been looking at her arm, he may have been processing/ assessing the situation and understandably looked up as his wife comes running screaming into the room.

he may feel he needs to be the calm one in the midst of all the panic and screaming from both his wife and dd.

to add everyone needs to do a first aid course. It really doesn't matter a crisp who makes the phone call to arrange it.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 21:12:40

perhaps her dh didn't hear the op over his dds screaming?

all children need to be taught not to scream at no. agree?

Therealamandaclarke Tue 27-Aug-13 21:13:19

Sorry to hear about that accident thebody

ethelb Tue 27-Aug-13 21:15:05

It sounds difficult OP. I come from a family of people who freeze and gawp in a crisis and it is infurriating, especially as they are extremely defensive about it. They are so crap I do wory what would happen if the crisis happened to me when I am with them! This is apparently very selfish.

But it is true that first aid qualifications are a good confidence booster. I have done one myself (not up to date but will remedy that soon) and do wonder how I would feel in those same situations without it. It makes a world of difference to how you deal with these situations as you are given a structure to deal with a crisis.

catkind Tue 27-Aug-13 21:17:36

If I heard a child screaming and didn't get a response from the adult my first thoughts would be either adult has left the room and child is alone - or something has happened to the adult. Either way I would be getting there in a hurry and be pretty cross to find adult just standing there ignoring me and child.

diddl Tue 27-Aug-13 21:18:36

So he freezes & doesn't know what to do in an emergency.

But this wasn't-he just needed to cuddle his daughter.

And he loses the ability to reply to simple questions as well...

No, wouldn't be apologising.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 21:20:48

I know what you mean thebody, but that would suggest he's not saying/doing anything on purpose, with the knowledge of what his DW has had to deal with in the past (something not to be minimised, and must have been incredibly distressing).

It's hardly the nicest way in the world to tackle the problem, if he thinks she has one.

I said about me not being a drama queen and DD1 being a huge one because it's not necessarily a learned behaviour. Honestly, the fuss DD1 can make (which inevitably affects/infects everyone within the hearing distance of a mile) when she's lost her phone for the 10th time that day, really is astounding.

I might come across as unsympathetic in some situations, but I don't do nothing at all. The OP's DD is going to be left with the fact that her dad won't react at all if she shouts that she needs him, that's got to hurt more than the original elbow/head thing.

Therealamandaclarke Tue 27-Aug-13 21:24:44

Yes * agent* that's why I would have been annoyed with him. Because I think, from the op, that he might have been being deliberately difficult.

Very annoying.

Maybe spike him after all op. grin

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 21:26:33

no I quite see your point Agent. I wonder if the op was actually not in the house how he would act? he could be superman in the quiet!! maybe???

thanks Therealamandaclarke.

op go teach him your skills. hope you are speaking now and sorted.

Lazyjaney Tue 27-Aug-13 21:32:10

He's a very loving dad and is thoroughly adored by our dc, but yes I can't fully entrust him with their physical safety

Or you may be a tad over anxious? Just reading your posts I get that impression.

My DF is like you, OP. As kids growing up it was horrendous.

Every noise - me and DB messing about, something dropping on the floor, squeals, shouts - was met with a shouted "WHAT'S HAPPENING" followed by panicked stomps up the stairs, barging in, more shouting.

Completely unnecessary and it was just him casting his anxiety about. It was oppressive.

OP you need to get your anxiety under control. What do you think your DC2 is thinking - is learning - when you are shouting loudly "FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT IS HAPPENING" in response to a minor incident. You need better coping strategies and to teach your children better coping strategies.

Your DH may also be in the wrong by the sounds of it. TBH though, I also wouldn't react well to someone screaming at me over nothing. The grown up thing would be for you each to apologise with each other and work out how you deal with future incidents. I suggest that when you hear her cry, you get up, walk in, and calmly ask if she is okay and that your DH answers you.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 22:02:57

Mmm knowing how he'd act with his DD upset when he's on his own would show whether he's doing it on purpose to teach her a lesson or has got a genuine mental block when it comes to something...I was going to say out of the ordinary, but children getting overemotional is totally normal, emotional maybe? Perhaps he's not sure what's expected of him in this kind of situation and he ends up just doing nothing.

Be interesting to know how he is with other routine 'dramas' as well. Like what happens if his car breaks down? Does he just stand next to it looking vacant? Or someone gets upset at him at work, does he just go into blank mode?

It'd probably completely throw me tbh, it'd be the reaction I'd least expect and I'd end up doing it back at him at a loss of what to say grin

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Tue 27-Aug-13 22:15:15

I know I'm repeating myself, but the man has 3 kids. Why is he incapable of dealing with one of them having an accidental bump? It must have happened dozens of times by now, and it's hardly rocket science to give them a hug and reassure them if they're very small.

Re the first aid thing - people seem to want to have this both ways. Either he was being the calm, cool superman in a crisis, assessing the situation and working out the best response (unlike the 'hysterical' OP...) or there was no crisis so he was quite rightly not reacting, unlike the hysterical overreacting OP. Now it could be one or the other of these things but not both. Either way there are a lot of posts determined to put the OP in the wrong here, which is why I'm trying to put the other side.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 22:26:50

no I am certainly not 'determined to put the op in the wrong' but we can only judge in her posts and personally speaking have picked out these points.

the op has had numerous life threatening situations to deal with as a young child, ( read her subsequent posts)

she shouted and ran into the kitchen while her dd was crying knowing that her dh was with the dd and that her dd screams on many occasions.

she picks up dd while still shouting for gods sake what's happened and her dd is ok.

she seemed to me to have completely overreacted and pusses off her dh who may have been calmly dealing with the situation.

a screaming crying child dies not need a shouting running parent.

I can understand in these circumstances her dh being mightily pissed off at her reactions.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 22:31:06

but not blaming op. think she has been through a lot.

AgentZigzag Tue 27-Aug-13 22:40:23

That's probably why she was desperately trying to find out what'd happened, her DD was in the room with someone she knows is less than useless with this sort of stuff.

If the DD had burnt herself or something, she needs to be acting sharpish, not stand there trying to get info out of someone catching flies and gawping at her.

I'm sure it wasn't like the situation either of us have got set up in our minds, but the one set up in my head would make me furious at the time. If something's happened to my DD's I want to fucking know what went on. (although I've never had reason to get furious because it's always more than apparent what's happened because I can hear DH talking about it to them/me).

edam Tue 27-Aug-13 22:40:41

OP sounds like she doesn't have much respect for her dh. She thinks her dh under-reacts and admits she over-reacts, based on some very difficult experiences.

Sounds very confusing for the kids.

OP, good idea re first aid classes but dh isn't the only one with an issue here. You and dh need to sit down and talk honestly and openly about how you can work together to avoid scaring your children with massive scenes about nothing.

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 22:44:40

But he hurt her and just left her crying.
That's massively shit.

AllOutOfIdeas Tue 27-Aug-13 23:05:24

wI really don't get why the op is over protective/emotional because her dh didn't answer her?

As a pp said, the child was in the kitchen. She could have been burnt/scalded/cut/denied a treat. Op tried asking twice what was wrong. I would have been getting concerned too and gone in too.

Why is she in the wrong when the Dp didn't give his little girl a cuddle after bumping her? He couldn't have been that far away from her? Or just call to op that its all fine, not to worry?

Why is the op getting so much stick for checking on her child? I would as well with his track record!

So many potentially unfair assumptions about OP's DH here.

We don't know what he was doing to comfort the child while OP was out of the room.

We don't know that he close or far away he was from her when OP came into the room, whether he was talking to her etc.

The whole "he hurt her and just left her crying" thing hmm reeks of potential mischaracterisation. We don't know whether he accidentally bumped into her, or she bumped into him. We don't know how serious it was - not very, from the sounds of it. OP says that her DD has the exact same scream whether she is hurt or just being told 'no'. It could have been the most minor of incidents, DD could have been overreacting and playing for attention and OP's DH could have taken an appropriate decision not to encourage a silly reaction. I've certainly done that with my DSs from time to time.

So, we actually know nothing about the DH's reaction to his daughter in this instance. Let's stop with the bashing.

Cluffyflump Tue 27-Aug-13 23:48:18

After that he started to throw things around!
He was acting badly imo.

I hope op and her H have both been able to have a chat and make a plan on how to deal with these kind of things in the future.

cumfy Tue 27-Aug-13 23:51:58

Is DD OK ?

How doe she feel about it ?

Yes, I agree that the throwing things around bit was shitty. But the bit before: we just don't have enough information to conclude either way.

Lazyjaney Wed 28-Aug-13 00:13:28

I know I'm repeating myself, but the man has 3 kids. Why is he incapable of dealing with one of them having an accidental bump? It must have happened dozens of times by now, and it's hardly rocket science

Exactly - so perish the thought he may actually know what he is doing after 3 kids, and the OP is somewhat over anxious.

diddl Wed 28-Aug-13 06:55:57

Maybe OP was overreacting.

But when she first asked what had happened, why didn't her husband answer??!!

Lazyjaney Wed 28-Aug-13 06:59:39

Child screaming in your ear in confined space vs someone calling from another room - would you hear?

lougle Wed 28-Aug-13 07:58:48

I do think you were BU.

DH reacts very similarly to the DH in this situation. He freezes, or even if he does react, his processing speed is quite slow.

He is aware of it, now, after an incident when dd2 stumbled and cut her forehead on the door frame and he carried on cleaning dd3's teeth. We realised then, that his 'wiring' is to complete one 'job' before moving onto another, because he finds multitasking tricky. I think if he was a child now, he'd get an ASD diagnosis, tbh.

We've overcome that by making a simple rule 'child crying and don't know reason, drop whatever you're doing and find out reason.' Incredibly simple, instinctive to most, but not all.

Similarly, DH is under-reactive to most situations (an employer once asked him to at least fake a panic in response to a looming deadline). He used to saunter across to the children if they'd hurt themselves. I found that (if I couldn't get there myself) saying 'DH, run ' gave him the hint he needed.

The point is, that he wants to be better in those situations and is improving and telling himself to react because he knows he doesn't naturally.

YABU because you ran into the kitchen and didn't assess if your DD looked ok. You should have seen that there were no obvious injuries, given that she can react like this for no reason. You are undermining your DH and the likelihood is that he will get worse and worse.

diddl Wed 28-Aug-13 08:00:09

Yes, I suppose it's possible that he didn't hear.

Perhaps in future he should "preempt" OP by just calling out "it's all fine" or whatever.

Ledkr Wed 28-Aug-13 08:07:24

lougle I have a dh who is the same.
How do you get past the anger/irritation though?
I also feel he'd have an asd diagnosis and feel his parents also have mild aspergers too.
Dh is lovely but we have such a hectic life I sometimes feel enraged as he takes ten minutes to take the toddler to toilet etc.
he's a copper too, I can't imagine how?

conantg Wed 28-Aug-13 08:20:11

I also have a husband like this. Useless as fuck. It's as if there is an invisible cocoon around him cutting him off from reality and preventing him from reacting quickly and appropriately in a crisis. It also prevents him from seeing normal tasks that need to be done. Don't apologise but do ask yourself if you can face many many further decades of this.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 28-Aug-13 11:11:34

Shouting and asking if everythings ok isn't over reacting, running straight in might have been.

COCKadoodledooo Wed 28-Aug-13 11:37:46

Who was looking after the dc when op was 'upstairs seething'? Surely couldn't have been the useless in a crisis unable to be trusted with his own dc husband?

lougle Wed 28-Aug-13 15:17:00

I can imagine him being a great copper - defined rules to work by, exacting standards, no need to make value judgements, just apply a set of criteria to a situation and see what the outcome is.

I get frustrated. Mega frustrated. But we tend to try and look at a situation and work out a 'rule' which would overcome it next time.

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