To think if my child is friends with your child, it doesn't mean we have to be best friends too...

(40 Posts)
Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 17:29:06

I'm getting to the end of my tether with this, and it's getting to the point where I've had enough and want to stop all contact.

Dd made a good friend in school last year. I thought it was great and it was really sweet how they both always held hands and ran to each other for a hug every morning. I still think its great, and am happy for dd and the girl.

Now the annoying part is that the girl's mother thinks she has to be my best friend too. I'm an introvert and I've tried really hard for the sake of dd to meet this woman with my toddler and dd for days out and about. She wants me to go on day trips with her to places like the zoo or beach and I have done a few times but I gradually realised we were spending less and less time with dh on the weekends because of this.

What also annoys me is that I'm always the one inviting the girl around our house. Dd never gets an invite. When I invite the girl, her mother thinks its an open invitation to her and her toddler too. She's even said things like "you never invite me around for a coffee...so I invited her around for coffee and lunch on a school day. Then during the school holidays she again said "you haven't invited us around at all during the summer" because she found out I'd invited one of my Dd's other school friends around for a play. You don't say things like this to someone do you?

Then when I tell her I have friends coming around (I only have a few good friends that I've known my whole life) she'll make comments like "who's that then?" Or if she sees me talking to another mum at the school gates she'll ask me afterwards "who's that you were talking to then?". Or if dd gets a party invite or a play invitation she starts making bitchy comments about the other child's mum and how they're bitches for not inviting her dd.

A few days ago she phoned and asked if I wanted to go to soft play and then back to hers for lunch, I was shocked but said yes. Today (this is why I've started this thread) I've been asked to go out to the park tomorrow instead if the weather was nice. I said no thanks because my SPD is getting worse and last time I went out with her and the children I was in pain for days so can't run after DS in open spaces. Her reply "but you'll be getting on the big slide with Your son anyway, so it can't be that bad" hmm. I told her that I wont be climbing any big slide with him over and over unless he gets stuck and I can generally leave him to entertain himself. It's like she was trying to imply I'm lying.

It may not sound annoying to you, but I like being a loner and I'm feeling suffocated with her constant calls and messages. Maybe I'm overreacting, but really you don't have to be friends with your children's parents do you?

Sorry for the epic post.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 27-Aug-13 17:29:27

Yanbu.

mathanxiety Tue 27-Aug-13 17:36:57

YANBU and actually, it is very sensible to look outside of your DCs' friends parents for your friends. (If you look anywhere for friends, that is. It's perfectly ok to be an introvert [disclaimer: biased opinion]).

That way, when the children's friendships go tits up (as they are wont to do as childhood progresses, and often with plenty of tears and acrimony) you are not left praying you won't bump into So and So's mother, scanning streets and carparks carefully so as to cross the street if you see her.

Your pushy pal sounds like someone who hasn't grasped some of the subtleties that make the world go round. Keep on saying 'no thanks' and good luck with the spd.

snowmummy Tue 27-Aug-13 17:48:14

YANBU - her behaviour is demanding and needy. She doesn't seem to understand boundaries. I'd steer well clear.

jenniuol Tue 27-Aug-13 17:55:45

Yanbu. This would drive me crazy.

Charlottehere Tue 27-Aug-13 17:58:08

Yanbu

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 27-Aug-13 17:59:49

She sounds lonely and awkward. You don't have to be friends with her, but be nice about it. Just tell her you are busy, she'll get the message.
Some people just aren't good at these things, be kind, imagine what its like to be her.

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 18:01:57

Phew. I thought a part of me somewhere was being rude if I declined an invitation or didn't invite her around which is why I've tried my best to get along with her and meet her as much as possible but this has been going long enough now. 11 months to be exact. A small part of me is happy that her dd isn't in my Dd's class next year. Maybe their friendship will fizzle out?

SparkleToffee Tue 27-Aug-13 18:03:14

YANBU Why can't the DC play together without all tge parents being involved ? Her DC could come round for tea one day and then arrange for your DD to go there another time ? ...... I know you said she doesn't invite yours round but when she next invites you all somewhere could you not say you can't but DD could come to hers if her child wants tk play with her ?

WorraLiberty Tue 27-Aug-13 18:04:09

YANBU

My Mum was never friends with any of mine or my sibling's friend's parents.

She had 5 kids and didn't have time for that shit

I've got 3 and don't have time for it either

Don't get me wrong I'm quite fond of one or two of them, but I've never felt the need to be 'friends' with people just because our kids are friends.

cushtie335 Tue 27-Aug-13 18:04:25

I've been you OP, YANBU. This woman became very demanding of my time and questioned and criticised all my other friendships to try and alienate some very good people from my life. Fortunately it didn't work. Our DDs are still peripheral mates but I have nothing to do with her any more.

SubliminalMassaging Tue 27-Aug-13 18:05:38

YANBU. She sounds a pain in the arse. It's tough when your children are friends. I have a similar situation and it really grinds me down. If it were not for the DCs it would be easy to never see her at all.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 18:08:24

oh yes yes feel for you. never ever get too friendly with parents if kids friends.

mothers and fathers like this are living their lives through their children's social lives and when the kids fall out it move on these parents take it badly.

they are usually the ones who are far too interested in the day to day friendships of all the children in their child's class/ group and interfere on face book, stay at parties to be ' down with the kids' or knock your door to demand why their little poppy wasn't asked to a sleepover and she's crying right now.

steer clear steer clear.

SenoritaViva Tue 27-Aug-13 18:16:32

I made a great friend when I moved here and as a result our daughter's became best friends. The mum and I get on incredibly well and do stuff outside of just meeting up with the kids. I'm telling you this because frankly I'd be pissed off if she behaved like that and I'm happy with her friendship. I often have just her dd over (they are now 6). This woman sounds a pain.

Doubtfuldaphne Tue 27-Aug-13 18:23:41

Pushy people..urgh! I am just like you - I like my own space and never understood the cliques at the school gates.
I get on with my life and don't want the extra hassle of playground politics!
I am sure it will fizzle out when the new term starts as you won't see her so much and your dd will make new friends.
Keep saying your busy. Don't worry about hurting her feelings.. She needs to learn some social skills!

mathanxiety Tue 27-Aug-13 18:24:52

YYY Worra -- I never had time for that malarkey either. I made it clear if a child came over that the parent and younger siblings would not be accompanying them - 'I have a houseful here with the five of them and I will be getting on with all the stuff I have to get done while they play. I won't be laying on any special entertainment and serving our regular dinner, so if Penelope is happy to just muck in with the tribe she is most welcome next Xday and you can pick her up after dinner, say around 7 [and smile brightly]'

Sillysarah49 Tue 27-Aug-13 18:28:55

YABU. You sound really weird and unfriendly. This woman sounds completely normal and just wants to be friendly. This is what normal people do in my experience. Fine if you don't want to be sociable thats you choice - but don't make a thing of other people being friendly. As you said you are a loner.

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 18:32:59

Omg thebody, you are spot on with the staying at parties thing! I'm holding Dd's birthday party a month early as I'm due around Dd's actual birthday and this woman is already planning on staying! I had to spell it out to her that I'm only having 5 of Dd's friends around and no parents as I won't be in a physical position to host parents along with children. Then she made some kind of comment about how I've snubbed her and her toddler dd. she was saying it in a jokey way, but I know she meant it.

Also, she moaned and whined for weeks about how our Dd's weren't put in the same class for this year. I didn't really care as I know dd would make new friends, but yes, I did wonder why she was so sad about it.

I didn't realise there are "this type" of people!

MichaelBubleBath Tue 27-Aug-13 18:39:28

sillysarah There is a huge difference between being friendly/sociable and then trying to take over your life with constant plans, texts, calls, weekend intrusions etc It is like the difference between farting and shitting yourself. The friend who is this demanding rapidly finds herself out of friends willing to put up with the constant requests because noone likes being told what to do all the time and having boundaries overstepped.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 27-Aug-13 18:45:11

Fakebook you don't sound at all weird or unfriendly.
This woman sounds pushy and socially inept with no idea of boundaries.
It's not friendly or normal to behave like that.

Jinty64 Tue 27-Aug-13 18:45:54

Sillysarah are you the "friend".

YANBU. I have 3 ds's (17, 15 and 7) and, over the years, have only become good friends with one mother, the parent of a friend of ds1's. The boys went their seperate ways when they went to secondary (and had little in common long before that) but we have remained friends. I have had lots of children to play over the years and have had the odd coffee when dropping off/picking up and an occasional soft play meet up but, my children's friends parents are not my friends.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 27-Aug-13 18:46:22

Love your analogy Michael grin

Mintyy Tue 27-Aug-13 18:48:33

Unfortunately there are some people who lack social skills and don't pick up on clues or vibes given off by other people. If you don't want to see so much of her then you will need to be a bit more direct. I understand that its frustrating when people want more from you than you are willing or able to give, but I think there is something a bit mean about your posts tbh.

Next time you have her dd over why not say "I think your dd knows us well enough to come on her own this time, don't you?" If she says no, she'll come as well with her toddler, then say "oh I was just thinking of a small date for dd and your dd, we don't all need to get together every time?" etc.

thebody Tue 27-Aug-13 18:49:44

oh yes Facebook they are a whole species. leaches so beware and woman up now😄😄

Michael love love the comment.

PoppyWearer Tue 27-Aug-13 18:53:47

YANBU

Viviennemary Tue 27-Aug-13 18:54:05

She sounds lonely. YANBU to not want days out and weekend activities. But just invite her for a coffee occasionally. And if she insists on coming when you invite her child say you have ironing or are expecting visitors or any other excuse you can think of.

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 19:05:45

Michael grin.

Mintyy, I probably do sound mean because I feel like I've been smothered for months now and I've had enough. This woman apparently told her dd over and over again to write down Dd's name as a choice to be in her class next year. Strangely dd didn't write down her name so they split them up. I've been direct with the birthday party thing, so maybe she'll get the hint from here?

I don't think she's lonely. She's always out either at someone's house or out somewhere else.

Sillysarah49 Tue 27-Aug-13 19:10:17

Jinty64. I would like to think I'm not the "friend". Nothing could be further from the truth - I find it incredibly difficult asking people to social events or even coffee back at mine. However, I always appreciate it if people wish to be sociable with me. It doesn't mean I always say yes - but I don't think its weird.

whois Tue 27-Aug-13 19:11:44

I was going to say it wouldn't kill you to be friendly with your DD's friends mum.... But actually she sounds like a bit of a nightmare!

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly Tue 27-Aug-13 19:12:17

"these people" are still people. Stay away from them if you like, but no need to be a twat about it.

SarahAndFuck Tue 27-Aug-13 19:27:54

"She's always out either at someone's house or out somewhere else."

She could still be lonely. She could be doing the same thing to lots of people as she is doing to you and feeling like she's not getting what she wants back from them.

I'm probably not explaining what I mean very well but if she is lonely and pushing herself on people they will realise and they won't all like it. For some it will be too much too soon, for others like you it will just be too much.

I've had experience of someone like this and it's hard for all concerned. I'm the sort of person to back off if I feel pushed and the person I know is the sort of person to push harder if she feels someone is backing off.

Who's to say which of us is unreasonable in that? I think we might have to say either neither or both. But if this 'friendship' isn't working for you, you can't go along with everything she wants just in case she is lonely.

That's something she needs to address, and if her way of trying to make friends is actually alienating the people she wants to be friendly with then she needs to realise that and change what she does. Which is quite hard because we all do something like this at times (something counterproductive to what we want) and it's harder to see the closer you are to the situation.

I think the quickest way to sum it up is to say that nobody else can make you happy, so you have to take responsibility for that yourself and be aware of how you go about it and how other people respond. You can't put your needs onto someone else and expect them to fix things for you.

I hope all that doesn't sound like I'm saying she's a bad person. I'm not because I think this might actually be quite hard for her. I'm just saying if she is lonely, her methods of trying to change that are not working in your case. There's no set method for making friends that works for everyone and if you are making the effort to increase your friendship circle you need to be aware enough to not get it wrong and put people off.

But again, you are not being unreasonable for wanting out of a friendship that you feel has taken you over when you are not happy about it.

mathanxiety Tue 27-Aug-13 19:43:43

When you're pregnant and have a small child, an older child and spd, you don't have to be anybody else's rescuing angel no matter how lonely they may be.

saulaboutme Tue 27-Aug-13 19:48:24

Yanbu. I've been there too.

I used I'm too busy and it worked in the end. Being intrusive, wanting to know who I was on the phone to etc.

No time for it and you have to set your boundaries. She'll get the message eventually. Short of telling her how you feel which is quite harsh.

Mia4 Tue 27-Aug-13 22:18:32

YABNU OP. One of my male friend's has a girlfriend that's like this and it's too intense and cloying. You think she'd realise she was the common denominator though, she's been told umpteen times and lost many friends over her tantrums and clinginess.

Samnella Tue 27-Aug-13 22:43:59

Yanbu. You can let her down gently though by being vague. Pity is not a good basis for a friendship and you have every right to pull back if this makes you uncomfortable.

I am blush to admit it but I think I was a bit like this when home with pre schoolers. I say only a bit though. I found that time in my life incredibly difficult which I can only see several years later. I was terribly lonely and suspect I had been a little full on at times. Not Stalker level but perhaps a bit keen. So don't be too harsh she sounds well intended but just not compatible with you.

Fakebook Tue 27-Aug-13 22:47:09

Thank you everyone for the replies.

SarahAndFuck, I do understand what you're saying, and I did feel sorry for her at the start of this friendship because she'd just come out of a bad relationship but I wasn't pregnant then and was less emotional myself. She isn't a bad person, she's very nice but I don't want to be messaged and called 10 times a day to listen to her problems and then meet her once a week. Right now, we've had a bereavement in the family too, and it's just emotionally draining for me.

I think tomorrow will be our last day out together indefinitely. Thanks for all the advice everyone.

SarahAndFuck Tue 27-Aug-13 22:59:51

Yes, you just can't live like that can you, you feel under siege. It does drain you.

I'm sorry for your loss too. flowers

rubyflipper Tue 27-Aug-13 23:11:37

YANBU

We all have the right to choose our own friends. If you don't have any common ground with someone or feel smothered or drained by them - then you are under no obligation to befriend them.

hiddenhome Tue 27-Aug-13 23:14:40

YANBU I've had this a couple of times as well. I ended up feeling like a hunted animal not answering my door or the phone hmm Very annoying and ds had to stop playing with the children because I just couldn't cope with the persistant mothers (I'm an introvert too).

jessieagain Tue 27-Aug-13 23:29:30

Just make polite excuses that you are busy. And it sounds like you are if you have a toddler and are pregnant, as well as your dd.

I think you should make a list of the number/types of social meetings you would like to have with her.

I am thinking over the summer holidays it would be nice for your daughter to have play dates at alternating homes every couple of weeks and perhaps you could all go out together somewhere just the one time? I think that would be reasonable for school holidays.

During school time maybe suggest a play date once a fortnight for tea? If she doesn't invite your dd to hers maybe say 'do you mind if dd has a play at yours this week as I've got so much in my plate at the moment. Your dd can come round next time'

I think it would be good to be friends with her but you need to set some boundaries that you can live with.

I would also encourage your dd to have other friends around as well.

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