To NEVER EVER open my front door after dark again?

(98 Posts)
HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:17:13

I just remembered to put the bottles out for the milk man. Open front door, step out. Next thing

FWAP

the biggest fucking toad ever has LANDED ON MY ACTUAL FOOT.

I screamed a bit. The toad went "bwurk" the dog barked and ran and hid, the toad slid off when I tried to run away.

Milk bottles are now out.

The dog and I are now sat at opposite ends of the sofa avoiding eye contact and feeling like twats. blush

So I shall simply cease forthwith utilising my front door after sunset and maintain my dignity. Ok?

grin grin - would some wine & cake make it all better?

BigW Mon 26-Aug-13 22:18:58

I'd move. It's the only reasonable course of action.

Fook!!!

Stay in during the hours of darkness forever!

DramaAlpaca Mon 26-Aug-13 22:19:10

It could have been worse.

You could have stepped on him.

Squelch!! grin

anonnymousey Mon 26-Aug-13 22:19:16

That's frikin hilarious! Some guard dog you've got there...

RiotsNotDiets Mon 26-Aug-13 22:19:21

<shudders> YANBU

MichelleRouxJnr Mon 26-Aug-13 22:19:31

grin
What's the difference between a toad and a frog?

ruby1234 Mon 26-Aug-13 22:19:50

Ugh, toads.
Years ago we were outside latish on. My DH said 'the bloody dog has left a present on the patio' and went to scoop it up with a shovel.

Said 'present' jumped up off the shovel down DH top. Was a toad!

BitBewildered Mon 26-Aug-13 22:20:09

Better or worse than stepping on a snail in bare feet?

RiotsNotDiets Mon 26-Aug-13 22:20:51

I booted a hedgehog by accident once, nearly broke my toe. It was dark and I was stoned, very freaky.

Mummybookworm Mon 26-Aug-13 22:21:33

Arf at this -

" The dog and I are now sat at opposite ends of the sofa avoiding eye contact and feeling like twats. "
grin

woodlandwanderwoman Mon 26-Aug-13 22:21:59

Thank you for making me laugh :-) not at you, but at the wonderful way you recounted the story!

Maybe YABABU but I think with good cause and I'd do the same!

gordyslovesheep Mon 26-Aug-13 22:22:04

I don't mind toads but slugs <shivers>

I used to live in a shared house with a loooooong path from gate to door - a loooong dark path - if it wasn't a crunchy snail it was a slippy slug - ever 3rd fucking step

ElleBelly Mon 26-Aug-13 22:22:16

Chuckle at "bwurk", not "ribbit"
Perhaps that's the difference between frogs and toads

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:22:53

Frogs go dwoing!

Toads go Fwap.

Yes, but I was barefoot so would only have trod on it very very briefly. Nearly treading on frogs is a standard back garden hazard.

Having your foot fwapped by a toad is AWFUL.

MichelleRouxJnr Mon 26-Aug-13 22:23:10

Oh God stepping on a snail full stop gives me the worst guilt.
What's the right thing to do?
His home/protection is gone and he's likely in pain - should I finish him off shock sad

Lweji Mon 26-Aug-13 22:23:33

Frogs - leaner and mostly on water
Toads - chunkier and mostly on land.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 26-Aug-13 22:24:03

OP 0, toad 5

Sorry OP grin

I love that it said "bwurk". This is clearly toad for "my work here is done".

ShakeAndVac Mon 26-Aug-13 22:26:11

Yep. "Bwerk" means "mission accomplished - scaring the crap out of someone." grin

No toads here. Although I did step on a slug in bare feet when taking something out to the bin the other night. Blee!!

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:26:26

It's a crap toad if it said "bwurk".

It should have been "bwork"

Just sayin'...

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:27:00

Frogs are better anyway.

Less warty.

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:28:12

I just thought of something.

Imagine if it had been a bat.

It might have flown into your face!! shock

What were you weraing?

<<more important than reptiles>>

RevoltingPeasant Mon 26-Aug-13 22:29:02

Also, this is not as gross as what happened to me earlier. Well, maybe not...

I came downstairs in the dark and then noticed a darkish shape on the cream carpet of the stairs. Hoping it wasn't a spider, I turned the light on....

Obviously it was the biggest spider EVER, although looking rather sorry for itself. Yes, reader, I had stepped on it whilst going down the stairs.

After screeching and jumping about a bit, I made DH take it outside and sat down in the living room.... Only to discover on the bottom of my foot, two of the monster's legs.

I actually have a bruise now from where I slapped them off.

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:29:17

Salmo

May I suggest you open my front door from now on and you can assess the crappness of my doorstep amphibians your self?

EsTutMirLeid Mon 26-Aug-13 22:30:06

Maybe you should tape up your letter box just in case? Toads are very intelligent! wink

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:30:11

<screams a bit at spider limbs>

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:30:55

Happy to Honey... grin

<bwork>

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:31:12

Peasant

You do realise in the morning you'll find a little webby outline of the spider on the carpet from the arachnid forensics team? Just to add to the guilt and fear.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 26-Aug-13 22:32:32

But it was alive when it lef the house! It weren't dead the larst time I saw it, honest guv.

<leaves country to avoid prosecution>

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:32:51

Not to mention Mrs Spider wringing her hands and sobbing over the heads of her little sleeping children...

gaggiagirl Mon 26-Aug-13 22:33:13

You have to cut your foot off! It will be all toady BOAK.
It happened to me on my back door step and I've never been the same since ever

ruby1234 Mon 26-Aug-13 22:34:12

Anyway, never mind the toad...... you actually have a milk man? Wow!

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:34:21

Wear hiking boots people!

Lets be careful out there - as they said on Hill Street Blues.

TheCutOfYourJib Mon 26-Aug-13 22:34:24

Oh god, I would probably never leave the house again, just in case.
Urgh.

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:34:49

Can toads climb UPVC? <<glances nervously at letterbox>>

specialsubject Mon 26-Aug-13 22:35:29

FWAP.

brilliant evocation of the sound!

DearPrudence Mon 26-Aug-13 22:35:40

DH found a toad in our garden yesterday. And I have a milkman. Are you me?

SeaSickSal Mon 26-Aug-13 22:36:31

The dog did nothing? LEAVE THE BASTARD!

Oh I am so jealous. We used to get loads of frogs trying to get in the door, but only met a toad once. <and I married him>. Joke

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:37:17

Not sure Prudence, I might be. How embarrassed does your dog look?

parakeet Mon 26-Aug-13 22:37:22

I stepped on a slug outside once, in bare feet. On concrete.

It took forever to get the slime/innards off. Obviously the first thing I tried was holding it under a running tap. Had no effect whatsoever. Then I got some soap on my hands and tried washing it off. On inspection - still covered in slime. Rubbed it with a soapy flannel. Still there. Scrubbed away at it with a nailbrush - still loads left.

In the end I had to scrape it off with a knife.

youarewinning Mon 26-Aug-13 22:37:25

I'm impressed you and dog made it to the sofa to feel like twats.

I'd have been an unconscious crumpled heap on the doorstep. grin

EsTutMirLeid Mon 26-Aug-13 22:37:29

Yeah of course they can climb UPVC they've got sticky suckery feet. Get the Sellotape now. Tape it shut very firmly. smile

mysterymeg Mon 26-Aug-13 22:38:03

YABU I like toads - they're somehow cuddly looking. I remember chasing my neighbour with a mahoosive one aged about 6 grin

I'm with you about the spiders though revolting I'd have had to have gone for an immediate shower!. I once ran a bath in the nearly dark and without my bottle bottom specs on. It was only when I got in and something brushed against my leg that I realised there was a ginormous spider in with me and drowning. Nearly killed myself leaping out and onto the slippery floor.

I had to throw slippers away after a slug incident.

EsTutMirLeid Mon 26-Aug-13 22:39:19

And revolting you need to see your GP ASAP. Remember what happened to Peter Parker?!

TheCuntingPigeon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:42:54

Coo coo coo! grin

smile this has cheered me immensely!

DD and I saw a toad in the garden the other day. DD watched its progress whilst I hid did some cleaning inside.

There you are Pidge.

TheCuntingPigeon Mon 26-Aug-13 22:47:13

Coo. smile wine

HugAndRoll Mon 26-Aug-13 22:52:20

This made me giggle.

When I was younger and living at home I went to the loo in the middle of the night and a bastard frog lept out of the toilet bowl (it was going to bite my bum I'm sure of it). I screamed and my mum and dad had to come and rescue me. They flushed the frog away and I still have to look down the loo before I sit on it.

Salmotrutta Mon 26-Aug-13 22:56:48

Frogs don't have teeth Hugs! grin

Just long sticky tongues.

unlucky83 Mon 26-Aug-13 23:01:31

riots my DP once really booted a hedgehog down the path in the dark (sober -returning from work -after midnight)...distance of 4m or so - made me get out of bed to see if I thought it was injured hmm ...it was alive and not rolled up but it wasn't moving - didn't move for 30 mins or so but seemed fine .I decided it was just shocked and having a torch shone on it every few minutes probably wasn't helping ...I went to bed!
Dp waited for another hour and it still didn't move - he put a plate of cat food out for the rats it and went to bed...

Thankfully it had gone by morning (and so had the food)...at the time DD2 (5) was hedgehog obsessed - we have a local hedgehog rescue centre - she donated her birthday charity collection there, had been to see the hedgehogs and done her school topic on them ...how I would have managed to hide/disguise a dead hedgehog in the middle of our path before leaving for school I don't know! (and that was what DP was most worried about - how DD would feel about her daddy hurting a hedgehog grin!)

mignonette Mon 26-Aug-13 23:03:07

I once spent several minutes trying to poke an obstruction down my watering can spout.

It was an obstinate slug.

I tried to overcome my slugophobia by befriending one who lived in the drain. I fed it a lump of cat food every day and it would eat it by putting its entire head on top of the meat and engulfing it.

It grew to the size of a small child's shoe. Then a hedgehog ate it.

ZadokTheBeast Mon 26-Aug-13 23:03:23

Oh this thread is funny!

We used to live in France where the house spiders are somewhat meatier than here. We'd been away from our house for 2 weeks and arrived back early evening. DH was on the phone to his brother and I was changing baby DD into her PJs on the sofa. All of a sudden this MAHOOSIVE fucker of a spider was leaping across the sofa towards me.

Well my maternal instincts kicked in without hesitation. I leapt halfway across the room screaming and DH shouted "what? WHAT?" "HUGE SPIDER" I gibbered. "Where?" "UNDER THE BABY!!!". Yes, dear reader, I had practically thrown my 10 month old DD at the beast before getting myself to safety. If her dad hadn't been there she'd have fallen off the sofa (if she hadn't been dragged back to the creature's lair first).

Next morning I found another one on my towel. DH says it's the vibrations of humans being in the house that keeps them away from inhabited spaces, it's only when you've been away that they move in and take over your sofa.

Fuckers.

Shaky Mon 26-Aug-13 23:03:43

I also had a standing on slug incident <shudders at memory> boak.

I would much prefer a toad landing on my foot.

I came downstairs a few days ago to find that my twatcat had caught a giant rat and left it at the bottom of the stairs for me, bastard.

Permanentlyexhausted Mon 26-Aug-13 23:09:11

grin

Last summer I was helping DS tidy his room. I picked up a blanket from the floor and came face to face with an enormous hairy house spider. I did what any self-respecting mother would do ... screamed loudly and threw the blanket and the spider at my 7 year old!

unlucky83 Mon 26-Aug-13 23:09:15

We used to get slugs on the kitchen floor of a house I rented (big gap under the door) -nothing like stepping on one in bare feet before your first coffee of the day - sadly you can't throw your feet away or erase that from memory...
(From that day on I maintained a 5 cm wide defensive salt line under the door)

I cut a slug in half once accidentally. Long story. I also tried to move a frog the other day, as it was crouching under my car, I nudged it gently with a stick and the slimy fucker miaowed at me. It was definitely a frog so why did it make a cat noise?

CatAmongThePigeons Mon 26-Aug-13 23:13:33

Oh sweet jesus <puts on DMs for safety, checks sofa and loo for bastard small creatures>

Are you sure the dog isnt avoiding eye contact because it would look like this?

CatAmongThePigeons Mon 26-Aug-13 23:14:33

Ffs *like that(see above) at you.

MollyHooper Mon 26-Aug-13 23:16:07

Eek. You'll get a big warty foot now. Fact.

I actually like toads, you're lucky.

Try standing on a snail barefoot, there is no nice bwurking, just a crunch then a scream.

Ezio Mon 26-Aug-13 23:20:55

Thats so funny.

Oh and only bullfrogs go ribbit, all different species have a different sound.

mignonette Mon 26-Aug-13 23:23:01

Zadok Guess I'll be doing the Spider prevention vibro dance until the first frosts now you've told me that.

MollyHooper Mon 26-Aug-13 23:23:24

No fwaping either.

Snails should really beep or light up when you come close to them.

Sharp little fuckers, I remember screeching something about a tetanus and snail poisoning at DH one drunken night.

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 23:23:45

Assuming you scream, not the snail? Standing on a snail I'd bad enough. Can you imagine if they let out a little scream too?

Ezio Mon 26-Aug-13 23:24:53

Oh, i got stalked by a bloody cricket, kept hopping through the patio doors. Those little fuckers can jump!!

MollyHooper Mon 26-Aug-13 23:26:59

Holy balls, I was thinking the same thing as I typed that.

Screaming snails just wouldn't work.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 26-Aug-13 23:27:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody Mon 26-Aug-13 23:27:13

I want your dog op. slugs worse to tred on barefoot.

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 23:29:03

We've got teeny tiny froglets in the back garden. When dh insists the grass MUST be cut he has to chase them all away first.

I know someone who was clipping her hedge with shears & a frog popped it's head out...guess what happened next...yes cue headless frog which apparently still moved ...

'twas nearly 40 years ago & she still shudders at the memory.

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 23:32:16

Here she is then TheBody, my noble protector. hmm

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 23:33:39

Aaaaaaaaggh!!

Aaaaaargh

Headless Mobile Frog

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

<<throws up>>

AGnu Mon 26-Aug-13 23:34:54

Anyone who has one of those old-style keyholes should make sure that they turn their downstairs lights off at night & have a little flipply thing to cover it. I know a couple who recently woke up to hear a buzzing downstairs... There were no less than 140 wasps hanging out on the floor in their hall! <Shudder> He shut all the doors & located a fly swatter & a bucket of water & they set about killing them all! He got stung 3 times. If that'd happened to me I'd have moved. Or set fire to the house. Or both.

I hate wasps.

MollyHooper Mon 26-Aug-13 23:35:39

Be careful though, don't toads secret crap that isn't good for dogs to lick?

Vague memory of a thread about this.

MollyHooper Mon 26-Aug-13 23:37:15

Put the Headless Horse Frog out of his misery!

Stomp on him least he take revenge on your family.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 26-Aug-13 23:37:18

i just snook out the back for a quick before bed illicit cigarette.....saw something sticking out from the wall.
got up close and personal with the hugest bloody spider ive actually ever seen in the vicinity of this house.....
i chased it with a sweeping brush tom and jerry style. i darent go back out now.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 26-Aug-13 23:41:02

The dog and I are now sat at opposite ends of the sofa avoiding eye contact and feeling like twats

grin

I once shared a tent with a toad for an entire summer (yes the ribbit kind, not the bloke kind). Lovely little fella, great company.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 26-Aug-13 23:41:42

Vicar - a good time to give up smoking??

BitBewildered Mon 26-Aug-13 23:41:47

Agnu 'flipply' is a truly brilliant word!

HoneyDragon Mon 26-Aug-13 23:42:41

Frogs and Toads. Our last Lab was a chronic toad and frog licker and spent from June to October with s chronic drooling problem. She couldn't help herself even though it aggravated her mouth hmm

Current lab has more sense.

thebody Mon 26-Aug-13 23:48:58

oh honey he's gorgeous. bless his paws.

Dayshiftdoris Tue 27-Aug-13 00:24:07

That is one look that says 'Please dont make me go out there' - I know it well as my dog has that look if I mention 'Walk' when it's raining (a JRT no lesshmm)

Had a frog jump at me from the recycling in the dark once and I roused a couple of neighbours with the screams hmm
I also have a long history (right to childhood) with 'Twatcats' that bring me dead stuff - birds, mice, a rat, a frog and one utterly useless feline that could only catch worms... Those are grim barefoot confused

Thankfully spider population is kept in check by DorisDoggy - she might not like rain but bugger me she likes eating spiders (and cat poo... which is not so good)

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Tue 27-Aug-13 00:41:17

Arf at using children to defend yourselves against spiders grin grin I have never done this

I have hundreds more around 20 frogs in my garden its not so nice when they don't move quick enough to get away from the Lawnmower blush
Oh and one figured how to use my catflap once I made my 4 yr old Ds catch it ..
He still takes the nick out of me

CrazyHamsterdisguisedasatree Tue 27-Aug-13 00:41:43

*Mick

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 27-Aug-13 00:49:51

why is it that the object of your fear seems to know and target you?

i am not afraid of moths, frogs, toads, rats, mice, lizards, snakes.
my 2 fears are spiders and crane flies (daddy long legs)
and they know it.

i also think i am a closet buddhist because i cannot kill them....i just chase them out with anything that puts about 4 ft between us....

Buzzardbird Tue 27-Aug-13 00:53:03

You have 'bjork' on your front doorstep? confused

pigsDOfly Tue 27-Aug-13 01:18:50

That's so true Vicar. I can't abide slugs, horrible things.

We use to have a problem with a huge cat that would come into our house to eat our cats' food (probably why he was so huge) anyway, one night he got stuck in the cat flap and pulled the flappy bit and the surrounding bit off so we were left with a hole that I was going to cover before going to bed.

Eventually found something suitable with which to cover the hole and went into the kitchen to fit it only to find the whole of the bottom half of the glass door covered in a great mass of slugs. They had obviously been attracted by the warmth from the house that was escaping through the hole.

Still makes me shudder now.

Monty27 Tue 27-Aug-13 01:27:22

Snails don't talk, not like frogs anyway.

All wasps should be beheaded.

HoneyDragon Tue 27-Aug-13 09:15:45

In my defence, I am not actually scared of frogs or toads now its daylight. Just late night fwappage.

ButWhatNext Tue 27-Aug-13 09:26:02

I reckon the dog looked guilty because you'd rumbled its plans for a late night hook up. You were meant to be in bed. The toad thought it was the dog answering the door.

You can't stop their love you know. That's just cruel and creaturist.

They'll probably run away together now.

MinnieBar Tue 27-Aug-13 10:27:34

This wouldn't have happened if you got Ocado deliveries

[helpful]

HoneyDragon Tue 27-Aug-13 10:56:20

But Ocado would cost £75 a week to deliver my milk confused with the milk man it works out 30 pence a week.

OctopusPete8 Tue 27-Aug-13 10:57:07

I thought this was gonna be really scary,haha

clear the perimeter next time grin

popcornpaws Tue 27-Aug-13 13:16:37

I feel you're pain, I came back from walking the dog at night, and stood on something, I felt something wobbly and shone my torch to see what it was, a giant toad, guts all over my wellies, bleugh!!!

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