AIBU to think this is quite bitchy behaviour or am I just being over-sensitive?

(136 Posts)
BrokenLullaby Sun 25-Aug-13 21:17:09

We had quite nice weather last week so a friend arranged for her, me and two other friends to meet up at a local pub for a drink after work.

We all live in the same town but they live very close together so they would have arranged to walk down together. I got there a little late as I have quite a long way to drive from work, had already told friend I could be late depending on traffic.

Anyway when I got there I assumed they would be sat outside, I drove by but couldn't see them and there was quite a lot of people there. This is going to sound pathetic but I'm not a very confident person and I don't like just walking into places by myself (silly I admit) so I thought I would ring them to make sure they were there.

Rang friend A - no answer, rang friend B - no answer, rang friend B again she picked up told me where they were and I went in to meet them. The signal is quite rubbish in that area so I didn't think anything of it.

Yesterday I went over to friend C's house for coffee and I was told that when I rang friend A she looked at her phone and went "why is she ringing me?" hmm and then purposely didn't answer her phone.

When I rang friend B's phone, friend A said "Friend B don't answer it". When I rang again Friend C pretty much said - "what the hell is the problem just answer the phone" - which is the only reason my friend B did.

I was quite upset by it because if I could see them I wouldn't have been sat in my car trying to ring them I would have just gone straight over to them. And if it was the other way around I wouldn't have even hesitated answering my friends call - it would have been a non-issue.

Aibu to think Friend A's behaviour was quite bitchy and to a certain extent so was Friend B's or am I just being ridiculously over sensitive about it all?

WorraLiberty Sun 25-Aug-13 21:22:39

They don't like you, do they?

I can think of no other reason (unless you've pissed them off?) that they would behave in that manner.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Sun 25-Aug-13 21:25:27

Well friend c does like you.
other than that i am a bit stumped.
Which one of them extended invite in first place?
And how were they with you when you get to pub?

BrokenLullaby Sun 25-Aug-13 21:26:22

Who knows?

I think Friend B will pretty much always do what Friend A says so perhaps if I'd rung her first then this might not have happened.

CocacolaMum Sun 25-Aug-13 21:27:21

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheCutOfYourJib Sun 25-Aug-13 21:27:51

Maybe they think you are a grown up and should be able to walk into a place by yourself.
If you always do this it would probably get on my nerves.

BrokenLullaby Sun 25-Aug-13 21:27:56

Which one of them extended invite in first place?

Friend A which makes it very odd. If you don't want me there then don't invite me?

And how were they with you when you get to pub?

I could sense an atmosphere at first but it dwindled after half an hour or so.

SparkleToffee Sun 25-Aug-13 21:28:09

V strange ...... Are they good friends of your or people who you go out with a lot ? Sounds like friend A is a bitch tbh..... Most people would just answer the phone ..... Do you like spending time with them ? What are they like to you when you are out with them ?

mynameisslimshady Sun 25-Aug-13 21:28:13

Are you sure it isn't friend C being bitchy and stirring up trouble?

YouTheCat Sun 25-Aug-13 21:29:06

Friend C likes you.

Friend A doesn't.

Friend B is a sheep and hasn't got a mind of her own.

Stick with C.

Sirzy Sun 25-Aug-13 21:29:09


Do you often phone before going into somewhere? perhaps they are fed up of that/think its not needed?

Still no need to be so rude though, but there again why did friend C decide to tell you anyway - that in itself is rather bitchy

WorraLiberty Sun 25-Aug-13 21:29:21

Jib, lots of people would rather make a simple phone call than wonder around a pub looking like a lost puppy.

It makes sense to quickly find out where they're sitting.

CaptainSweatPants Sun 25-Aug-13 21:30:12

Friend C didn't need to tell you though did she? Sounds like she's a shit stirrer

If they were in the middle of a chat it would be annoying phones ringing

As an adult you need to walk into places on your own

If you can try not to overthink it

marriedinwhiteisback Sun 25-Aug-13 21:30:24

It wasn't exactly very nice of friend C to tell you either tbh.

Do they know yyou are a bit sensitive about going into places and might they be finding it a bit clingy?

I would have parked and gone to find them. I think you are being oversensitive and that's what they are reacting to - like school bullies and it isn't nice.

BrokenLullaby Sun 25-Aug-13 21:31:16

Maybe they think you are a grown up and should be able to walk into a place by yourself.
If you always do this it would probably get on my nerves.

Maybe. I know lots of people that wouldn't want to go into a place alone and would prefer to wait outside for everyone else to arrive and some people who just have the confidence to go in alone - sit inside get a drink and wait for everyone else to turn up.

I rang because I wanted to know if they were there yet and the place we were meeting has an outside garden and three different rooms and two different entrances so it made it easier to know which part they were in.

And I'm just not that confident really ...

BrokenLullaby Sun 25-Aug-13 21:37:54

Do you often phone before going into somewhere? perhaps they are fed up of that/think its not needed?

Probably, I've never really thought about it until now. I'd say in our friendship group half of us do this, I'm definitely not the only one.

Might they be finding it a bit clingy

I wouldn't say it was clingy, it depends on the situation really. If they weren't there yet I'd have probably sucked it up and gone and got a table - but like I said in a previous post there's 3 different rooms and an outside garden so I'd have felt a little stupid looking around each place and not even knowing if they were there or not yet.

We don't see each other as much now due to just life basically so it's not like we meet up twice a week and I phone each time.

GrendelsMum Sun 25-Aug-13 21:41:49

Did she think that she was going to see you in a moment, as arranged, so why on earth were you phoning? I'd be a bit baffled if someone phoned me from outside to see if I was inside - I'd assume you were phoning to say something concrete, like that you were late.

ElaineVintage Sun 25-Aug-13 21:42:45

I'd ditch them all.

BrokenLullaby Sun 25-Aug-13 21:47:19

Did she think that she was going to see you in a moment, as arranged, so why on earth were you phoning?

So in that situation if your friend was ringing you which was baffling to you, then you would purposely ignore the call?

Whatever the reason for me whether I found it odd, weird or baffling I wouldn't ignore a friend ringing me. If you would then that's fine.

maddening Sun 25-Aug-13 21:48:42

but gredels - they find't know she was outside and she could have been calling as going to be v late or not able to come?

SeaSickSal Sun 25-Aug-13 21:53:43

Friend C was being bitchy telling you. I would wonder whether it was true or not.

Maryz Sun 25-Aug-13 21:56:58

How did they know you weren't phoning to say you were going to be late/not coming/had been hit by a bus?

It's very strange behaviour to not answer the phone to a friend, unless there is a no-phone rule in the pub (in which case they could have stood up and taken the call outside).


MrsOakenshield Sun 25-Aug-13 21:58:20

I can't understand why the first friend didn't answer, for all she knew you were ringing to say you were running late, or couldn't make it at all - she didn't know you were outside feeling too shy to wander about looking for them. And even if she did, what's the problem with saying 'we're in the back room' or whatever.

However, I think friend C is stirring by telling you this at all.

GrendelsMum Sun 25-Aug-13 21:58:49

Well, tbh I was wondering if you had a tendency to arrive late, or to make excuses, or whether you sometimes inadvertently come across as slightly clingy. It sounds like they want to see you at the pub, but were a bit annoyed that you phoned just before arriving, and that suggests you're repatedly doing something that friend A finds pretty annoying. Of course, it might just be that she's a bit grumpy and your friendship is coming to a bit of an natural end.

TheSecondComing Sun 25-Aug-13 22:02:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianTheMole Sun 25-Aug-13 22:02:35

They all sound a bit mean. A for not answering. B for not answering because A told her not to. And C for telling you. I don't have a problem walking in to places by myself, but when I was a teen I found it very hard. I think its a bit tight of them to do that to you. Btw did they walk in by themselves or meet in the carpark first?

Maryz Sun 25-Aug-13 22:03:05

x-posted, maddening

QueenBach Sun 25-Aug-13 22:03:12

Some of these replies are quite bitchy behaviour to be fair.

Saying - they all don't like you, your friendship is coming to an end, you are clingy, you are annoying.

Damn ...

BrianTheMole Sun 25-Aug-13 22:07:25

I find the word fucktard offensive cocacolamum

i don't like it either. Have you thought what it might actually mean cocacolamum? I'm not trying to target you, but sometimes people say things without thinking through the meaning of it and what it might mean to others.

NapaCab Sun 25-Aug-13 22:11:17

It wouldn't bother me to walk into a pub on my own and look for the people I was meeting. Maybe your friends are the same and just can't see why you need to call them to ask where they are?

It's a bit impatient of them to remark on it but hardly vicious or bitchy. They might just not understand why on earth you have to call them to be reassured when you're meeting them and find it an annoying habit. Even friends you really like can wind you up with small quirks or habits now and again.

GrendelsMum Sun 25-Aug-13 22:13:34

I'm not trying to be bitchy, QueenBack, by saying that perhaps the friendship with friend A is coming to a natural end. It seems to me that either the OP is unconsciously doing something that is annoying her friends, so they no longer want to take her calls, or that Friend A and perhaps friend B are not genuinely her friends, in which case the friendship has run its course. If the situation as its been described here, then those seem to be the possible options.

BalloonSlayer Sun 25-Aug-13 22:16:47

C isn't a "Wendy" is she?

Sounds like she is stirring.

jessalwithlove Sun 25-Aug-13 22:19:05

What is the big deal if you call your friends before you enter the pub, lots do. You have every right to be upset I would be , but like lots of friendships a time when you grow out of eachother, Stop calling them join something you enjoy sounds like a cliche for confidence & like minded ppl Not everyones such a hard ass

FranSanDisco Sun 25-Aug-13 22:20:53

Friend A thinks she's the leader of the gang. Whoever was going to be last to the pub would be talked about prior to their arrival. Friends B and C haven't the spine to tell her to stop being a bitch as they are simply grateful she's not bitching about them. Friend C had a little guilt trip and told you. If you can just accept your friends can be bitches then you won't stress. TBH I don't like walking into places alone either smile.

QueenBach Sun 25-Aug-13 22:22:06

I've rung my friends before meeting them because it just makes sense.

If it's a big place and you had no idea they were there yet you could save a table and be sit by yourself when they are already there waiting for you getting annoyed.

Or sometimes depending on what time you get there they might have moved on to another place for a drink.

It just makes life easier to say "hey are you there yet? - either great see you in there or ok I'll get us a table"

It's hopefully wouldn't be classed as clingy or annoying - just making life easier on everyone.

WorraLiberty Sun 25-Aug-13 22:22:44

QueenBach what are we supposed to do, if not offer up our thoughts?

I really don't think the two 'friends' who ignored her call, like the OP.

If you find that bitchy, then so be it.

alemci Sun 25-Aug-13 22:25:39

they don't sound that great, maybe it's the group thing. find some new friends, you sound nice and I'm sure othes wouldn't behave like that

Notkeenonzumba Sun 25-Aug-13 22:35:25

I think Friend A sounds like a childish schoolgirl, and friend B sounds like an easily led sheep. I'd give Friend C the benefit of the doubt for now, it sounds as though her intentions were good in telling you. I wouldn't meet up with friends A and B again and would just let things drift with them.

MariaLuna Sun 25-Aug-13 22:36:52

You sound quite needy actually....

You had an appointment with friends, why not just go in there and wait if they're not there.

You need to work on your own This is going to sound pathetic but I'm not a very confident person and I don't like just walking into places by myself (silly I admit) so I thought I would ring them to make sure they were there.

Nothing worse than to be kept phoning while waiting for someone (unless held up).

I travel alone.... no problem.

MariaLuna Sun 25-Aug-13 22:38:17

Oh and P.s. I am HSP. (Highly Sensitive Person).

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 25-Aug-13 22:38:18

Friend A obviously feels that a grown womam being unable to walk into a "local pub" unescorted is precious, self-centred, attention seeking and generally pathetic and deeply irritating, so she didn't want to pander to it.

piratecat Sun 25-Aug-13 22:40:01

it's bitchy, and silly.

BrianTheMole Sun 25-Aug-13 22:40:56

You sound quite needy actually....

thats a horrible thing to say. Just because you can do it no problems doesn't mean everyone else finds it so easy.

piratecat Sun 25-Aug-13 22:42:14

oh for god's sake, how lovely. If i had a friend who didn't like walking in by herself, and if I was a true friend i would answer the call, and go meet her.

op don't fret ove your so called mates.

perplexedpirate Sun 25-Aug-13 22:42:51

I'm confused. Why does it take 'confidence' to walk into a bar and order a drink? Isn't that their whole purpose?
If you do have social anxiety or something, I think you ought to be working on that rather than second guessing what your friends may or be not be thinking.

ChimeForChange Sun 25-Aug-13 22:46:04

Did you not just ask C why they didn't want to answer their phones?

Tortington Sun 25-Aug-13 22:47:10

it is odd that you wouldnt walk in to just have a look. i think that you need to recognise this fact and stop making excuses such as " i know lots of people who do this"

Lots of people have commented that friend C likes you, however i would wonder what good friend would tell me the spiteful yet inconsequential actions of others, there is no benefit to letting you know unless friend C stated that perhaps you should not phone people all the time and sort out your issues

Not sure of the answer to your question, but regards the phone call, when I'm meeting friends the first one there generally texts the others on arrival to let them know that they're there and where exactly they are so the others can find them. So it makes sense to me that you would ring your friends when you arrived regardless of how hard or easy you find walking into a place on your own, as that place sounds like a right pain for finding anyone.

alemci Sun 25-Aug-13 22:49:09

I don't like walking in pub or waiting alone there, I have done it and it has made me more confident but I don't blame op for being upset if her friends are there already and she's not sure where to meet them

MariaLuna Sun 25-Aug-13 22:54:11

^You sound quite needy actually....

thats a horrible thing to say. Just because you can do it no problems doesn't mean everyone else finds it so easy.^

Hi Brian, you're right.

Thing is, one cannot rely on others to fix one's hangups and/or life. smile

harverina Sun 25-Aug-13 22:55:33

I would happily walk into a pub alone if I was meeting friends but if I was arriving alone to a large pub with different rooms I would generally give someone a call to see where they were.

It's not needy
It's not pathetic
It's what a lot of people do

They don't sound like very nice friends - and to those of you who would be annoyed getting lots of calls while sitting chatting...The op didn't bombard them with calls! If I was waiting on someone else to arrive and they called I would think nothing of it. She could have been calling he to cancel or to say she was running later than planned.

BrianTheMole Sun 25-Aug-13 22:56:26

Thing is, one cannot rely on others to fix one's hangups and/or life

I know this. But no harm in being a little more gentle with your words?

RooRooTaToot Sun 25-Aug-13 22:59:02

I agree with Queenbach that it is sensible to call before going into a big place, especially if you are not the most confident of people. It's happened to me before that I've been the first person at a pub, found a table, then 20 mins after meeting time give another friend a call and found that they are in a different room of the same pub wondering where I am!

A quick 15 sec phone call isn't a big deal at all.

I've got a close friend who has extreme anxiety. She has called me from the doorstep of my house before as she was 10mins early and wasn't sure if it was ok to knock. She's been my BF for 22 years! It doesn't matter. I would never describe that as 'needy' and I don't think that the OP comes across as needy either!

OP did C offer a possible reason why A said that? I hope C was trying to give you a heads up, rather than shit stir.

QueenBach Sun 25-Aug-13 23:00:51

Thing is, one cannot rely on others to fix one's hangups and/or life.

I don't think the OP is expecting that. I don't get the impression that she was saying please stay on the line until I get to the table.

The three friends walked down together so obviously all arrived at the same time. It's not needy or clingy to see if people are there yet.

What do you do? Walk into a large place, walk amongst all the tables looking for your friends, shouting their names? Or does it just make life that bit easier to make a 2 minute phone call and say "I'm here, are you?" Then friends says yes we're sat over the in corner or no I'm not there yet.

BrianTheMole Sun 25-Aug-13 23:08:42

I sometimes call friends to look out for me if I'm meeting them someplace. The main reason being is that my eyesight is utterly dreadful and I can easily walk within a few feet of them and just not clock them in a busy place.

AlpacaPicnic Sun 25-Aug-13 23:09:02

But, as somebody else has said... The friends don't know why she is ringing... What is (extreme example warning!) she had fallen and hurt herself and was calling for some help... Or had an accident and wasn't going to be able to make it?

I would give a quick call or text in the situation you have described... Big place to meet and not wishing to wander around looking like a lost sheep. It's not necessarily 'needy' it's practical.

aquashiv Sun 25-Aug-13 23:13:45

Perhaps they didn't say this at all or this is being told to you out of context and it seems worse than it really is. Were they talking about something very emotional at the time or hanging on for another round and you were holding up proceedings.
The only way you will know for sure is to ask them outright.

Samnella Sun 25-Aug-13 23:15:09

Yanbu to be upset. You don't know why A and B wouldn't answer the phone and it could be due to any reason from being nasty, in the middle of a conversation or something you persistantly do like calling to cancel at the last minute. Who knows. I would ask yourself if these people are your friends and if they are then assume the best. Similarly friend c IMO shouldn't have told you but if she is a friend then assume its said with the best intention. Maybe be a little more guarded with these people as it sounds to me you have doubts about them . Don't give yourself a hard time you sound like a lovely person.

Xmasbaby11 Sun 25-Aug-13 23:19:20

That's terrible - rubbish friends. Why wouldn't you answer the phone to a friend who you expect to be meeting?

FWIW, I think it's fine to call to see where friends are sitting. I am a confident person and I do it quite often just to speed things up - because I am excited to see friends asap! It's not clingy. It's practical.

Mosschopz Sun 25-Aug-13 23:28:07

OP was late, friends were not sat in expected place and from all accounts the place was busy....I'd have phoned too I think, it just avoids wasting drinking time. There was no need for either friend A or friend C to say what they said. It was unkind.

Backtobedlam Sun 25-Aug-13 23:34:26

YANBU, they sound bitchy. Not sure why friend C told you this though, if you're not feeling particularly confident anyway I don't think it needed to be mentioned. They should have answered their phones though, I have a friend who always calls to see where I'm sat, asks me to order food/drink as she doesn't like to stand at the bar doesn't bother me so more than happy to do what I can to make sure she's not left feeling awkward.

CakeAche Sun 25-Aug-13 23:35:02

Seconding previous poster's suggestion of friend C possibly being a Wendy.

MaryJayneHeart Sun 25-Aug-13 23:38:03

Surely it's just practical to call? I have some friends who are always late so you never know if there are already there or not.

Why would I bother walking aimlessly around looking for someone in a busy place or end up missing them and us both being sat on different tables getting more annoyed by the minute - when I could just call?

If I was waiting for someone and they rang me I would of course answer the phone and if I could see them I'd say we're right behind you you billyhead smile

It's not exactly clingy or needy.

valiumredhead Sun 25-Aug-13 23:38:55

I always ring friends first to find out where they are,nothing wrong with that!

Friend c shouldn't have told you any of this, not nice in my book.

RabbitIssue Sun 25-Aug-13 23:40:19

God some of these answers are horrible sad

They didn't know why she was ringing so they can't have been ignoring her because they felt her behaviour was 'needy' hmm She could have been phoning to say her car had broken down.

And it's not strange to want to know if your friends are already there yet, or whereabouts in a large pub they might be. Lots of my friends do this, or would feel better going in together, it's hardly a crime.

SarahAndFuck Sun 25-Aug-13 23:40:28

Friend B sounds like the weak link in the chain. Ask her what happened.

There are a few reasons why you might have been ringing. You could have been running late or cancelling at the last minute.

I think it's fine to ring and find out where someone is, especially in a big place like that. I would do it. And if I arrive first I often send a text to say "I'm here, we are sitting by the window/door/whatever" so people can find me. I really don't see the problem.

Is friend A a Wendy type? Is friend C a stirrer?

Either way, if you want to find out then asking B "what was going on when I rang you?" might be the way to do it. See what she says, if she says ''nothing'' or asks why you want to know just say "well I heard A told you not to answer the phone the first time I rang and then C told you to answer it when I rang again" and see what she says.

waddlecakes Mon 26-Aug-13 00:19:52

Seems completely obvious to me that there's something you're not telling us: either you're frequently late, frequently mass call people to check whether they're somewhere rather than going to find out, or freqeuntly cancel last minute.

It seems obvious that thats why friend A was 'acting like a bitch'. She was probably thinking ''Jesus, here we go again....''

So - what are you doing thats irritating like that?

FirmYoungCarrot Mon 26-Aug-13 00:33:43

I would have probably rung in your situation OP or expected my friends to text with rough location (at the back, in the green room).

If this is a large and presumably busy pub and you don't know if they are there yet so whether you should actually look or just nab a table it would win a pain - a phone call sorts that. And I consider myself confident.

As to the friends - my immediate reaction is C is making it up or over-egging it. Why didn't she offer an explanation for their exasperation?

You know them beat though - which one do you trust most.

I hate those atmospheres and has hopes that most people would have grown out of the by the end of school or at least university but bitching does happen and it doesn't necessarily mean the friendship is over bit is quite unusual if you are not seeing each other very regularly in a kind of intense way I'd have thought and maybe then A and b aren't worth it.

But you know them - what are they like and are they worth it?

You don't sound needy and I'm sure they like you otherwise why would they have invited you?

FirmYoungCarrot Mon 26-Aug-13 00:34:45

Jeez so so many typos above sorry - I will go back to reviewing each message.

Morloth Mon 26-Aug-13 00:38:38

I would question C's behaviour the most TBH.

You only have her word that this actually happened and assuming that it did why would you say anything.

It all sounds a bit strange, why bother?

Viviennemary Mon 26-Aug-13 00:44:49

I don't think it was very tactful of friend C to tell you about this. She should just have let it go. She sounds like a stirrer to me.

BrokenLullaby Mon 26-Aug-13 00:48:57

I trust Friend C completely and she has no reason to stir anything.

I think things may have got a little confused.

The three of them all live very close by (we're talking 5 minute walk) and so it was just obvious that they would all have walked there together and got there at the same time.

I was coming from work from an opposite direction that they would have been walking.

I drove into the car park, all three of them saw me do this. So I thought instead of hunting them out I'd give them a call (I hadn't seen them as obviously if I had I wouldn't have called)

I never cancel last minute, or am late. I already told my friend I might be late depending on traffic - rush hour is very unpredictable. I don't "mass call" anyone, I call to see if they are already there and where they are sat.

It's a local pub and it was very busy and so not easy to quickly spot people, especially when you don't have a clue what area they are going to be sat in when they have a choice are four different sections.

I don't perhaps from reading some of those I am a paranoid, clingy and needy freak. I just know if the roles were reversed I would never ignore a friend phoning me.

If I found them that annoying I wouldn't pretend to be their friend.

Viviennemary Mon 26-Aug-13 01:03:14

I still don't think there was any point in friend C telling you about this whether you trust her or not. What was to be gained from it. Except now you being upset and worrying about the bitchiness of friend A. I think the best thing you can do is forget about this incident. All friends annoy and irritate us from time to time so I would just put it down to that.

Morloth Mon 26-Aug-13 01:05:41

So why did friend C tell you about it? What was the point?

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 26-Aug-13 01:43:52

Why did C tell you? What was the build up to it?

I don't understand why people have a problem walking into a pub or anywhere else on their own - but I accept that they do and I adjust my behaviour for them as they are friends. I either wait outside for them or they know to text me and I'll come out to meet them or whatever is appropriate at the venue we are meeting at.

The same way that they don't understand why I would want to be a non egg eating low carbing vegetarian, but don't arrange to meet at Tony's Steakhouse to accommodate me.

It's give & take.

Has A form for being a bitch and does B have form for being a sheep?

BrokenLullaby Mon 26-Aug-13 01:51:14


I don't expect my friends to wait outside for me, or come and meet me outside. It's really not that bad.

And I can even go up to a bar alone and order food and drink.

I just don't feel overly comfortable with walking into a place where I don't know if anyone is there yet or if it's a big place with different areas, I would prefer to know which area they are sat in instead of walking aimlessly around.

Meh I just don't like it and never thought it was a big deal.

My friend doesn't have this problem as she always has someone with her at the time.

She could have answered the call and even made a joke about me being silly - I wouldn't have cared. But to say why the hell is she ringing me and then tell another friend not to answer my call - has made me see her in a different light.

Morloth Mon 26-Aug-13 01:53:26

Sounds like C is playing games IMO.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Mon 26-Aug-13 02:17:03

That's what I was saying - it isn't a big deal. It's a little confusing to those of us that wouldn't give it a second thought, but you don't have to understand something to accommodate it.

Not only 'could' she have answered the phone, she 'should' have answered the phone - she was being a bitch and an even bigger bitch when she told B not to answer it either. Pathetic and I would seriously be questioning the friendship of both of them. Friends are supposed to enrich your life, not upset you.

toomanyfionas Mon 26-Aug-13 02:21:13

If they all saw you drive up, then their phones started ringing, I can understand why they thought, "Why is she ringing?" But the next bit, "Don't answer it" is really off. Why in god's name not answer the phone to a friend?

I have often dialled a friend or had them call me when we are meeting, and often then seen each other while on the phone. It's a normal way to find each other.

I think friend a doesn't like you but uses passive aggressive carry on rather than be straight. I really don't understand why friend c told you though. Of course you are going to feel hurt.

I think you need new friends.

BrokenLullaby Mon 26-Aug-13 03:15:02

I really dislike it when people says - get new friends.

Like it's as easy as going to the supermarket to get a different brand of bread.

It's not sad

DolomitesDonkey Mon 26-Aug-13 03:34:06

Why won't/can't people walk in to a pub alone?

Do you all drink in Soho sex dens? confused

garlicbargain Mon 26-Aug-13 03:49:50

OP, you are not being unreasonable and I can't see why posters on your thread have chosen to bully you into defending your choice to phone your friend! For fuck's sake, this is such a normal thing to do that it's a standing joke on TV shows when the person you're talking to turns up right in front of you! I do it all the time, and have no problem at all walking into crowded pubs. The last time I did it was inside a fairly large restaurant, where I couldn't see my friends sitting ... they were behind a large plant, next to me grin

That being established - Friend A is not your friend. I suspect C told you because A had been slagging you off & made C uncomfortable.

garlicbargain Mon 26-Aug-13 03:53:17

(But you should probably check this story with B, in case C turns out to be a clever 'Wendy'.)

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 26-Aug-13 07:13:14

If a and b were real friends they would know you well enough and accept your foibles; if C was a real friend she'd have kept it to herselfand made a little note to next time send you a little text to say "hurry up, uour drink's waiting and we're by the fireplace.

Can't help feeling friend C is the most unkind - that thought hasn't changed for me.

Themarriedwoman Mon 26-Aug-13 07:18:44

So they saw you drive into the car park? In that case, I would also wonder why you were phoning!
Friend C sounds weird to be telling you. She clearly knows you have social anxieties and is winding you up

Sirzy Mon 26-Aug-13 07:40:58

It sounds like there is a lot of childish behaviour all round.

I still don't understand what exactly friend c felt she was gaining by telling you? That is shit stirring!

BaldricksTurnip Mon 26-Aug-13 08:06:37

God some of the replies on here are making me angry

Just because somebody feels a bit nervous about a situation doesn't mean that's an opportunity to get a leg up and use their vulnerability to illustrate how wonderful you are. 'Oh I don't need other humans ever, in fact I sailed around the world nine times on my tod!' angryangryangry

OP- yes Friend A sounds like a childish cow. You did nothing wrong.

CaptainSweatPants Mon 26-Aug-13 08:18:27

How did we all cope without mobile phones ?!

Lazyjaney Mon 26-Aug-13 08:22:44

Why didn't you ask friend C why she thought they did it? It would have been the first thing I'd have said after being told.

How did the conversation at C's house regarding the phone call ignoring start?.

Hegsy Mon 26-Aug-13 08:38:01

Not sure why friend c felt the need to tell you but tbh me and my friends will all txt/call when we're meeting up depending on whos there first/last/running late etc

ViviPru Mon 26-Aug-13 08:38:34

Yes, OP. You have said that you trust friend C completely, but haven't expanded on how her filling you in on the situation came about, was she telling you from an "isn't this awful" perspective, or, just flippantly in passing, or what? I think the circs/motivations surrounding her telling you are quite important in fathoming what's going on here.

Nanny0gg Mon 26-Aug-13 08:54:21

I'm probably a lot older than most of you on this thread and I also hate walking into pubs/crowded situations on my own. Even (especially) if I know lots of the people there. Some people are shyer or more insecure than others.
It isn't that unusual, and I don't see why the OP has to have that part of her problem picked apart. If it doesn't apply to you, then consider yourselves lucky. And most people that know me think that I am extremely confident so you really can't tell who feels that way.

OP - on the face of it, A and B weren't good friends but don't make a definite judgement just yet. Are you planning to go out with them again?

everlong Mon 26-Aug-13 08:58:00

There's always one or two in a group of woman that gang up if you like. I've seen in first hand ( not to me ) and it's quite alarming how two faced and nasty grown women can be.

Laura0806 Mon 26-Aug-13 09:15:53

I def think friend A and B were out of order. SO what if you don't like walking into pubs on your own, I know loads of women ( Im in my late 3's) who don't . It doesn't bother me but if I knew my friend didn't like it I would just pick up the flippin phone! I know what people were saying about C and why did she tell you and Im torn on this one, yes on the one hand all this trouble and worry on your part has been caused because she told you but then I would like to know the truth about my friends. I spent years wasting my time with a so called close friend who turned out had been unpleasant about me and others behind my back. Now if someone had told me years ago I would have been v grateful. Dont let it get you down. Im afraid some women can be bitchy in order to make themselves feel more secure, armed with the knowledge you now have Id be a bit more cautious with these women.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Mon 26-Aug-13 09:23:11

I would give them the benefit of the doubt. they saw you drive in assumed you had seen them and wondered why you were phoning. assumed whatever it was could wait until you got to their table.
C told you because she thought it was a bit odd that they would not answer their phones and wanted your opinion on it rather than trying to stir it.

and just keep a bit of a weather eye on friend A.

everlong Mon 26-Aug-13 09:28:58

I wonder why friend C told you though.

That's a bit shit stirry imo. She should have told those two so called friends to pick up and stand up for you without letting you know all this afterwards.

shellbot Mon 26-Aug-13 09:30:13

If this was a one off then YANBU.

But is it possible that you rely too much on friends rather than do things for yourself. I'm not saying you are but I have a friend who expects me to sort of look after her and I'm finding it a bit too much. For instance she won't drive anywhere even though she has a car because she 'doesn't like driving' so every time we go somewhere I drive. If we go to the pub she gets behind me when we walk in and doesn't like going to the bar so I have to do that as well. I do like her but I'm starting to feel like her mother.

I'm not saying you are as obviously I don't know but is it possible that you reply on them too much and they thought they'd not answer the phone so you can stand on your own feet?

BrokenLullaby Mon 26-Aug-13 09:44:59

shlbot I'm really not some quivering wreck who has to have my hand held constantly.

We always take it in turns to drive places - and I drive by myself for 2 hours every single day getting to work on the motorway and ring road. It would never occur to me to get my friends to drive me places ever.

I can even walk up to the bar alone and order a drink, which I do in whatever place we're in. No matter if I've been there 100 times before or never.

I travelled on my own for 4 months, catching flights, buses, trains.

I don't have social anxieties and neither am I a hermit.

You know I try and take the answers on here gracefully because I asked the question in the first place. What does it bloody matter if I rang to see if friends were already there yet?

Gosh some of you are making it sound like I hide in my basement wait for a friend to come and pick me up, hold my hand getting out of the car, lead me to the table, go and order food and drink for me. Even walk me to the toilet and wait outside.

I'm a confident person but I just have a hangup about going into places and not knowing if friends are there yet or not. If they weren't I'd have no problem going in alone and saving us a table. And if they were inside then I'd prefer to know where they were sat so I can just go straight over.

GrendelsMum Mon 26-Aug-13 09:54:15

Well, I guess if the problem isn't with you - and it sounds like you've considered it, and you're sure that it isn't - then unfortunately the problem must be with friends A, B and C. Friends A and B tried to avoid speaking to you, and friend C went out of her way to let you know that this had happened, and that she was the only one who had stuck up for you. sad I'm not sure where you can go from there. Maybe cool it off a bit and start spending more time with better friends?

shellbot Mon 26-Aug-13 09:56:10

Jeez I was only asking. Why bother posting if you're going to get shirty about people's answers.

I never said you were a quivering wreck nor did I say you were a hermit. I simply asked a question.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 26-Aug-13 10:06:51

I don't think you did anything wrong OP, I'd do the same. Actually my friends would have text me to tell me where they were sitting to make it easier for me.

I don't have social anxieties, I just presumed when meeting someone somewhere the first to arrive lets the other person know where they are sat.

Unless you're on MN obviously, then you sit in a pub with three rooms a garden & two seperate entrances and quietly watch as your friend walks around looking for you.

I'd be bit cooler with friends A & B in future.

everlong Mon 26-Aug-13 10:09:15

I agree fuzzy. I mean why wouldn't you want to look out for a friend. Why be a cow. Unless you are a cow of course.

Bumblequeen Mon 26-Aug-13 10:11:03

I would not trust any of them to be honest. If friend A and B did say these things it seems they are merely tolerating you and not true friends. On the other hand friend B could be stirring.

YalleyoftheDolls87 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:14:30

Unless you're on MN obviously, then you sit in a pub with three rooms a garden & two seperate entrances and quietly watch as your friend walks around looking for you

Hahaha, that made me actually LOL.

MN world is so far from the real world.

If the majority of you were at the meeting place first and a friend rang to see if you were already there then I doubt many would find it odd or say your friend has anxiety issues.

Therealamandaclarke Mon 26-Aug-13 10:16:50

Did I read that they could see you had parked?

If so, then IMHO A was irritated by your need to ring. This is likely to be because she sees that behaviour as precious and demanding. She might have been having a bad day and so her tolerance was limited.
Friend B is impressed by A and probably shares some of her views on he subject.
Friend C is using the situation to affect you. she has tried to make you see her as an ally and create a division between you and A & B.

So, not really nice behaviour from anyone but hard to tell from this onesituation whether it's normal group friendship stuff or suble bullying.

Morloth Mon 26-Aug-13 10:17:44

It is perfectly normal when meeting up with friends at a busy place to give them a buzz and see if they are there/whereabouts they are.

Happens all the time.

Not answering, telling someone else not to answer is the weird behaviour, not the calling.

TeaAndABiscuit Mon 26-Aug-13 10:21:14

YANBU. One of my friends prefers not to wait on her own (which I know is slightly different to your scenario) but I don't make her feel like crap over it. I just text that I'm at the bar and what is she drinking!
Perhaps if it happens again explain. If they are your friends they will accommodate. It's no biggie (well, it wouldn't be to me).

Bumblequeen Mon 26-Aug-13 10:21:23

I do not like walking into places on my on as I am self conscious. I do not disclose this to anyone though.

If friends A and B truly did make these comments they are not friends. You do not discuss people you like in this way. The problem is you only have friend C's word for it.

I remember sitting behind three teenage girls. They were all talking then one said her goodbyes and left the bus. The minute she did so the other two began discussing her. It was awful. I wondered how many times it had been done to me at work and when out in social groups.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 26-Aug-13 10:22:30

My Mum always said 'Beware of the one passing on stories'
So that is Friend C

Floggingmolly Mon 26-Aug-13 10:29:30

I wouldn't consider any of them my friends, tbh. Friend A decides taking a phone call from you is too much trouble, announces this to friend B who immediately agrees and refuses to pick up either; and friend C thinks it would be to your advantage to know this confused
Are you all very young as in, about 12?

Bumblequeen Mon 26-Aug-13 10:34:10

This is why I avoid being part of a large group and choose to meet friends one on one where possible. The occasions where I have met in a large group I hated it.

I know someone who has a big circle of female friends. At first I deemed her lucky until I realised that every week or two, there is an issue with something one said or did to another. I could not cope with this.

Usually, though not always if friends are happy to slag off/put down another friend with you then they will do it about you. I watch what people say about others they are close to and decide if they are someone I can trust and want in my life.

Lazyjaney Mon 26-Aug-13 10:54:24

You know I try and take the answers on here gracefully because I asked the question in the first place. What does it bloody matter if I rang to see if friends were already there yet

Because the whole situation only makes sense if they were irritated by you, and not its clear why they were irritated but one explanation that works is that you have form for ringing unecessarily and they don't like it.

Or they did no such thing and friend C is lying and trying to turn you against A.

Or the explanation is something else entirely.

but, speaking only for myself, if I saw a friend drive into the pub carpark and then ring me I'd be a bit WTF, and if they did it every time I would probably get a bit fed up.

How did C start the conversation regarding the phone call when you went to her house for coffee?

YalleyoftheDolls87 Mon 26-Aug-13 10:58:23

precious and demanding

Lol I've heard it all now.

It's precious and demanding to ask a friend if they are already there? confused

How some of you actually have friends is very bewildering. You see what you view to be a flaw and rip it apart like some sort of vulture.

How lovely it must be to be so perfect.

Silverfoxballs Mon 26-Aug-13 11:06:15

If I was meeting a friend in a pub and saw them pull up and was in a group I would actually go and meet them in the car park to save them wandering about looking for us. Regardless of if they were the most confident person in the world or shy.

I agree with Bumblequeen regarding mass gatherings and much prefer meeting one friend at a time.

YalleyoftheDolls87 Mon 26-Aug-13 11:09:08

Did I read that they could see you had parked?

Surely that doesn't matter? If I saw my friend drive in and then ring me, I'd still answer the phone and I wouldn't tell anyone else not to answer the phone either.

If the OP had seen them and then rung yes they would be strange but she obviously didn't.

Awomansworth Mon 26-Aug-13 11:14:43

If they saw you park then surely they knew you were ringing to check which part of the place they were in to save you wandering around. Quite normal behaviour given the size of it.

Not very good friends IMO.

princesspeabody Mon 26-Aug-13 11:26:44

Double edged sword...

Bit mean of them to ignore you but equally you could do with just taking a deep breath and walking into a pub on your own. We all feel a bit uncomfortable but it's really not that hard.

I would be giving all of them a wide berth if I were you though.

Iamsparklyknickers Mon 26-Aug-13 11:36:57

I don't think OP is being needy and I think A and B sound a bit tapped. It's not unusual to give people a quick ring to find out where they are - hell I've been in one half of a group ringing the other to save wandering around. Personally I always text if I'm there first to let people know where abouts I am - is that weird then?

I'm not entirely convinced that friend C needed to tell you what was said, but I think I would be interested enough now to press her about it and why she felt I needed to know. Take it all with a pinch of salt but if you should have reason to be wary of A or C I would rather have the information (especially if I was planning on staying friends with them all) than not.

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 26-Aug-13 11:45:10

OK, OP, I am sorry. If you don't have a history of needing hand-holding and were just ringing to see if they were there yet, your friends are mean! Or at least A and C are. So YANBU.

toomanyfionas Mon 26-Aug-13 11:56:10

It is quite simple. Your "friends" are unkind to you. You can let them carry on or you can look for better friends. All this she said stuff is just silly, real friends don't behave like that.

DontmindifIdo Mon 26-Aug-13 11:57:06

If I was you, I'd ask B what happened, C might be stirring, or trying to warn you A was being a cow - but B could have easily answered her phone herself.

Therealamandaclarke Mon 26-Aug-13 12:21:28

yalleyofthedolls I didn't say that I think it was precious and demanding. I don't Ctually.
But it would explain A's refusal to take the call. I suspect she may feel that, based on the op.

He11y Mon 26-Aug-13 12:22:13

If I saw a friend pull up and park, I'd either tty and get their attention through the windows, head for the entrance to meet them if the meeting place was large or text her to say where we were.

All my friends would do the same.

I'd be wary of them all, especially friend C as you didn't need to know that.

If I was friend C and didn't agree with their behaviour, I'd just make sure I text you or I'd go and get you next time, rather than stir trouble and make you feel bad.

It's definitely not your problem - what you did is perfectly acceptable.

Therealamandaclarke Mon 26-Aug-13 12:23:45

Nd if they had seen her park it would mean they knew she hadn't been held up elsewhere. It meant they (or at least A) were being "funny" about her ringing.
Which is why I said I thought it wasn't nice.

Therealamandaclarke Mon 26-Aug-13 12:26:30

And yes to He11y I think I would do that if I were waiting for a friend.
But I am not A, B, or C.

alemci Mon 26-Aug-13 13:44:40

what is a Wendy type. BTW my name isn't Wendy but most one's that I know are very pleasant and unassuming.

I want to know how C brought the subject up about A not answering her phone and why it was brought up..

garlicbargain Mon 26-Aug-13 14:24:12
marriedinwhiteisback Mon 26-Aug-13 15:01:25

Thinking about this and having read your OP again. You were coming from work (do they work? Have jobs as good as yours?). You live on the other side of town (is it the nicer part of town). There are bits of your life that sound different to yours. Suddenly gets a whiff of the green eyed monster.

Move on OP. I know it's hard to make new friends bt it's not so hard to take up new interests and they lead to meeting new people. You deserve better than what sound like hubble bubble, toil and trouble.

alemci Mon 26-Aug-13 15:10:27

thanks garlic. I get you now

Thumbwitch Mon 26-Aug-13 15:21:55

It's a funny thing, but if someone wonders why someone else if phoning them, then USUALLY the sanest thing to do is answer their phone to find out, not ignore it and tell another person to ignore theirs too...

garlicbargain Mon 26-Aug-13 15:41:16

Thumb grin

Therealamandaclarke Mon 26-Aug-13 15:58:22

Good points married and * thumb*

ViviPru Mon 26-Aug-13 18:23:40

Interesting the OP STILL hasn't expanded on the nature of the conversation with friend C in spite of so many posters asking her to....

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