To think a no kids wedding should mean no kids at all?

(123 Posts)
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 09:42:27

Friend is getting married. Invite says no kids. Fair enough. But her DC will be there. And her nieces and nephews. But no one else can bring their children as it will mean there are "too many".
How many kids is too many kids? Where do we draw the line? And what about DC to whom she is godmother? And what about teenagers? What is the cut off point? 13? 18?
Fucking weddings.

OPeaches Sun 25-Aug-13 09:46:02

It's her wedding, would it not be a bit weird if she didn't invite her own kids? The majority of weddi gs I've been to seem to be family kids and tiny babies only, which seems perfectly sensible to me.

Anyway - her wedding, her choice surely?

fluffyraggies Sun 25-Aug-13 09:46:47

Do you have DCs OP? And what ages?

I think it's getting more common these days for invites like this.

At least the invite was clear ....

Personally i love kids at a wedding. Each to their own though. But B+G have to be prepared for some guests not to be able to make it if they have no child care.

mynameisslimshady Sun 25-Aug-13 09:47:05

Her having her own children, nieces and nephews there without wanting the rest of the guests children there is perfectly fine. She's the one paying for it.

IComeFromALandDownUnder Sun 25-Aug-13 09:47:25

I thought it was normal to have family children only at a wedding. As regards teenagers if there was a no kids rule I would think not more for a numbers/cost reason then anything else.

CaterpillarCara Sun 25-Aug-13 09:48:03

I think it is fine. I like children at weddings, but family children can sometimes be plenty!

WillyandTig Sun 25-Aug-13 09:48:51

Family children only sounds normal to me too. If half their guests have children and bring them, imagine the price!

Yonionekanobe Sun 25-Aug-13 09:49:15

Family children (and bf babies) is increasingly the norm it seems.

DH and I just embrace the opportunity to doend some time together and with friends and DD has a lovely time with GPs or aunties.

moustachio Sun 25-Aug-13 09:49:50

YABU. I'd only want friends dc's who I know. Ones I've known from babies and not work friends kids who I barely see etc.

TheGirlFromIpanema Sun 25-Aug-13 09:50:53

You don't get to draw the line as a guest hmm and no age limit is necessary surely. Either a name is on the invite or it isn't.

I think its perfectly ok etiquette wise for the children of immediate family to be invited but no others tbh.

I should add that in my view child free weddings are usually joyless affairs anyway so your dcs won't be missing out by not attending wink

goldenlula Sun 25-Aug-13 09:51:48

I would think it is perfectly ok to invite immediate family children only.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 09:53:28

I seem to be seriously lacking in my knowledge of wedding etiquette here.

I just thought that if a person had their own children then they would probably like children and wouldn't mind having them at their wedding.

If cost were an issue then perhaps invite less people but include the children of those you have invited in the invitation.

Although, as someone has said, her wedding her rules and if I was really upset by it, then I wouldn't go.

Another reason why I am NEVER getting married, the drama and the politics of it.

Picturesinthefirelight Sun 25-Aug-13 09:54:05

I absolutely agree that family/bridal party children is fine but children if friends/more distant relations should be excluded if need be.

I personally would rarely go to a wedding where my children were not invited due to our family/ work circumstances but I wouldn't get offended or upset about it.

Lweji Sun 25-Aug-13 09:54:45

I agree, depending on how many friends have children, it could become a children's party rather than a wedding.
And if all the friends have 2-3 children, it just multiplies the catering costs, and they would have to exclude adult guests.

Lweji Sun 25-Aug-13 09:55:24

Chances are you wouldn't have been invited if all the guests could take children with them.

MrsBungle Sun 25-Aug-13 09:55:53

Totally fine IMO.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 09:57:07

How do you know I wouldn't have been invites Lwej?
Are you the bride?

Lweji Sun 25-Aug-13 09:57:14

Another reason why I am NEVER getting married, the drama and the politics of it.

I don't see any drama, only what you are making. smile

lborolass Sun 25-Aug-13 09:57:27

I don't think you need to be an expert in wedding etiquette to realise that the bride and groom can invite whoever the hell they like.

It's that simple and I just don't understand the endless pages and pages of angst devoted to the subject on MN.

Lweji Sun 25-Aug-13 09:58:17

"Chances are"

I have no idea, but it's possible, unless you are her best friend or very very close.

YABU. Do you really think they should have excluded their own children? Excluding bf babies is also not on imo.

Ragwort Sun 25-Aug-13 09:58:32

It's an invitation, not a summons, you don't have to accept it you know.

Personally I don't much like going to weddings, so unless close family, I just send my regrets.

Why do people get so hung up about weddings?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 25-Aug-13 09:59:19

Op.

If you reduce the guests to accommodate children then its quite likely you will end up with nothing more than a large kids party with a token amount of adults

MadeOfStarDust Sun 25-Aug-13 09:59:20

I don't go to deliberately child free weddings - they are the ones with "drama"... and as a pp said - joyless....

but seems to be the way nowadays, a "grown up" showy thing rather than a whole family warts and all thing....

Sirzy Sun 25-Aug-13 09:59:31

She wants children close to her but not everyones children. Makes perfect sense to me!

GampyWabbit Sun 25-Aug-13 10:00:30

We were invited to a 'no children wedding' when dc3 was 3 weeks old and ebf. There were no children allowed at all (even tiny new babies), so we didn't go in the end.

MortifiedAdams Sun 25-Aug-13 10:01:24

Meh...."family children only" seems perfectly acceptable to me.

I live childfree weddings as then I dont feel guilty for leaving dd behind (who I do for every wedding).

SJisontheway Sun 25-Aug-13 10:01:31

Cardiff, do you really think they should exclude friends who they would like to share their day with so that you can bring your children? I think that is a strange attitude.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 10:01:56

No, attheend, I don't think she should not include her own children.
I am happy to accept I have BU in this case!
Still definitely not getting married myself though. Everything about it seems too stressful. Not that anyone's asked me yet so I might never have the chance.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 25-Aug-13 10:02:13

I'd be leaping at the chance to ditch my kids and have a proper knees up personally!

Can't understand why you are stressing!

Sirzy Sun 25-Aug-13 10:03:16

With your logic though she would either have to exclude her own children or accpet everyones children. She has gone for the sensible middle ground.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sun 25-Aug-13 10:03:29

Yep sounds fine to me family children and bf and maybe even non bf tiny babies. Why would grown adults want to hang about with my children if they were not closely related to them.

eurochick Sun 25-Aug-13 10:05:33

Weddings don't have to be stressful. They are only that way if you make them stressful or allow other guests to.

Lots of venues have strict numbers limits for fire safety reasons or simple capacity. Children would restrict the number of adults. And you also have to pay for them, so they increase the costs. If most of the couples you want to invite have 2 kids, you would effectively need to halve the adult guests to have them there.

mrsjay Sun 25-Aug-13 10:05:40

No kids means no kids if she wants her family children there than of course that is fine can you imagine how big the wedding would be if everybody who had children took them, confused her family children are important to her and her nearly husband guest children are not important harsh but true

fluffyraggies Sun 25-Aug-13 10:05:41

See - i find it feels ... odd ... when we get an invite saying 'no kids', with some ''then we can all let our hair down'' clause, or whatever.

We've had invites like this from both family and not family.

I think many couples are hung up on the big flashy do with bells and whistles - then find they cannot afford to have half the people they'd like to invite to join them. So then they try to chop the numbers by saying 'leave the kids at home please'. Invite half the family. I think it's sad.

I know it's your day, your rules etc. But if you can't afford to have it all, and invite a whole families, then either have a tiny 'boutique' wedding, or a big cheap knees up.

trixymalixy Sun 25-Aug-13 10:06:12

YABU, how weird to think they shouldn't invite their own children if they can't fit the kids of every wedding guest in hmm.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 10:06:17

No SJ, when you put it that way I don't.
I will look forward to enjoying an evening child free and stop poking my nose into things that aren't my business grin

mrsjay Sun 25-Aug-13 10:06:55

weddings are only stressful if people let them imo

woodlandwanderwoman Sun 25-Aug-13 10:07:26

YABU, it's their wedding and they want to have the most important people to them there. Depending on ages etc, you can often find that between your friends, there are A LOT of children.

Most wedding venues seat and charge up to c. 120 people, the only discount kids get is on food. This can mean you pay up to £5-800 for a family of four.

We had children of family / wedding party and babies too young to leave parents but no others. If we HAD invited everyone else's, there would have been another THIRTY children! That's 15 LESS couples we could have asked.

This then means bride and groom have to choose between THEIR friends, and other people's children. This wasn't a difficult choice for us!

Lastly, your point re family children, don't forget that family means aunts, uncles etc too, all of whom will be the grandparents of many of the family DC. So by not inviting family DC but inviting their most trusted babysitters in many cases, you can put family in a v difficult position and often mean they are unable to come because they don't want to leave kids (often overnight... Not everyone had family on their doorstep) with unfamiliar people.

Finally, if I was your friend and knew that you'd described the biggest day of my life as a "fucking wedding" I'd be gutted. Shame on you.

Bajas Sun 25-Aug-13 10:07:47

We did this at our wedding last year- nieces and nephews (11 children) and bf babies (2).

As we got married at almost 40 nearly all our friends have children. If we had invited all dc, we would have had a total of 90 adults and 67 children (some of whom we have only met once or twice) which would have been (a) very expensive and (b) more like a children's party.

As it was we had 88 adults and 13 children- more affordable by far.

I think you need to consider the whole picture.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 10:08:57

Shame in me woodland you're right.

What sort of friend am I? sad

mrsjay Sun 25-Aug-13 10:10:51

and kids hate weddings it is boring they dont really want to go anyway

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 10:11:03

I have got some real perspective on here. Who am I to judge other people's choices about their weddings?
The whole thing has probably cost her a bloody fortune. I'm so selfish.

susiedaisy Sun 25-Aug-13 10:11:38

Family children - yes
Everyone else's -no

I can never understand why friends with kids who get invited to another friends wedding get arsey about not being able to take their kids, why not just have a day without your children and enjoy some adult company and relax and eat a meal that you haven't had to cook for once!

meditrina Sun 25-Aug-13 10:13:22

I think that having a children's "cut off point" is pretty tacky, actually. As family/friends never divide tidily, it's hard to do it fairly, and tends to breed resentment ('how can it be child free when there are several of the little blisters running round?)

I think it's better to have a 'normal' wedding, where you invite everyone or a 'select' wedding, adults only, perhaps not OHs.

These modern hybrids (largely pushed as acceptable by a wedding industry keen to have people overextend) strike me as a retrograde innovation.

lifeissweet Sun 25-Aug-13 10:15:49

My ex BIL had a 'no children' wedding and it caused an almighty row in the family - BIL has brothers who have small children, some of whom are still being breastfed. The brothers were upset that, because of the blanket 'no children' rule, either they, or their wives (the groom's SIL) would be unable to attend. As weddings are family occasions, this was seen as a bad idea.

The brothers tried to persuade him to have family children only, but he stuck to his guns, which was his right. In the end, two of the brothers didn't attend the wedding, which was a real shame. I think asking friends to find babysitters/potentially causing breast-feeding friends to stay at home is one thing. Causing siblings to be unable to attend is another.

So the solution here to allow family children is acceptable in my book.

And anyway - it's their wedding!

Nanny0gg Sun 25-Aug-13 10:20:34

Sounds fine to me.

ceres Sun 25-Aug-13 10:20:51

I am irish and this is totally normal for irish weddings. typically weddings are 'no children' but this does not include close family members e.g. the couple's own children or nieces and nephews.

this is not a recent thing. i remember my parents attending loads of weddings. i went to my first wedding aged 17.

I don't like lots of children at weddings. I find absolutely nothing cute about tripping over toddlers on the dance floor.

i don't understand why some people feel their children must be included in absolutely every event. there is nothing wrong with having an adult party.

woodlandwanderwoman Sun 25-Aug-13 10:22:44

Sorry to sound a bit harsh, but please remember this would have been a very hard choice for your friend to make. She wouldn't have wanted to upset anyone but you have to make decisions somewhere. Hope you enjoy the day xx

TheFallenMadonna Sun 25-Aug-13 10:23:58

I'm going to a wedding today, without my children. I found the "half a family" description upthread interesting. When DH and I do something without our children, I rarely seethe two of us as half a family - rather as a couple. It's a natural division in a family.
I love weddings - child free, child full, fancy, shoestring - however they come. I had no idea before MN how much judgement surrounds them, and it bewilders me. People are weird about weddings.

Murtette Sun 25-Aug-13 10:30:14

We'll be doing this when we get married. Yes, I have children & like them but it doesn't mean I like all children and definitely don't like some of my friends' children!

Mojavewonderer Sun 25-Aug-13 10:30:21

Why would you invite a bunch of kids you didn't know to your wedding? It's the same as inviting a bunch of adults you didn't know.
If it was cost I wouldn't want to exclude family and friends without kids so my family & friends with kids can come and bring their kids just so they get a family day out together.
If you feel put out because they haven't invited your kids (its not personal obviously) then don't go but most people relish a day out to a wedding and having a drink without the little ones about because its like a date with your husband or partner and all romantic.

mrsjay Sun 25-Aug-13 10:30:32

this is not a recent thing. i remember my parents attending loads of weddings. i went to my first wedding aged 17.

I think i was about 15 before i went to a wedding I think no children was the norm,

mrsjay Sun 25-Aug-13 10:31:53

dd just made the age limited last year for a wedding there was a no under13s thing which is fair enough I think

BlahBlahWhatever Sun 25-Aug-13 10:33:18

Im going to a wedding soon that only the older two of my four children are invited. That's fine cause the three and four year old would be bored and will find soft play with granny much better fun.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 25-Aug-13 10:35:38

Reduce the guests to accommodate more children? Um..no.

We had a child free wedding apart from one newborn.

mrsjay Sun 25-Aug-13 10:37:44

I had a child free wedding they could come to the reception if they wanted nobody brought their kids and a friend took dd1 home in the evening,

Ireallymustbemad Sun 25-Aug-13 10:39:31

I had a no kids wedding, except my DSDs. Is that reasonable???

Very few of our friends had children so it didn't impact many at all. I think it has to be no kids, family kids or all kids. I think you can make those distinctions and most people would understand.

ILetHimKeep20Quid Sun 25-Aug-13 10:41:43

But for every friend she wants to invite why should she have to include their offspring along with their partner who she might not be that close to?

Chocolatehunter Sun 25-Aug-13 10:43:51

We wanted a wedding where only family children attended but on the day two sets of parents decided to bring their babies anyway, without telling us. Thankfully it added to the day and whenever they cried the parents were very swift in taking them outside of the room. It did mean that at least one parent was sober and they left early but that was their choice and I would have rathered those friends be there with their children than not be there at all.

Panzee Sun 25-Aug-13 10:48:29

I think if you're worried about offending guests just don't invite anyone off of MN. There's so many ways to get offended about guest lists, children, presents, evening dos, outfits, venues etc etc that I never knew about till I came here! grin

mrsjay Sun 25-Aug-13 10:50:14

me either panzee who knew there was SO much to be offended about grin

Pigsmummy Sun 25-Aug-13 10:53:02

I think you have to be sensible when it comes to the guest list. If I had included all of my cousins children my cousin element alone would be over 100, before any other family, friends or DH side! So I included first cousins and their partners, children only where they where babes in arms or in some cases older SN children, I included all nieces and nephews. If people where offended they didn't say. I had a friend with a baby who chose not to bring baby.

You can't expect a couple to include everyones children over adult guests.

Ilovemyself Sun 25-Aug-13 10:53:11

YABVU. People don't set the invite list just to piss people off. Family is family. They will be family long after so called friends have flounced off into the distance over a wedding invite ........

TheSecondComing Sun 25-Aug-13 10:53:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlehPukeVomit Sun 25-Aug-13 10:55:49

YABU - I think it's fine.

Lweji Sun 25-Aug-13 10:56:24

I'm sure at every wedding, party, etc, someone will be offended by something but will STFU.
We only get to hear about it here on MN.

Remember that no one can please everybody at the same time.
It will save you grief both as a guest and as an organiser.

reelingintheyears Sun 25-Aug-13 10:58:42

Of course she's going to take her own children, nieces and nephews too, that doesn't mean she has to ask yours.

Pigsmummy Sun 25-Aug-13 11:00:35

It doesn't always come down to cost btw, try finding a venue that can host large (over 150) weddings!

Mia4 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:02:43

I'm glad you realise it's unreasonable OP and factor in the cost and likely reduced adult guest list if all children are invited. Your friend probably has agonised over this, though personally myself I would have told my close friends in advance of the invites that we were only inviting family children.

My friend had a 'no relation cf wedding' had she not she would have looked at around 60 extra guests (the kids) and since affordabiltilty and venue size only allowed a certain amount it meant bumping half those friends off the guest list. They could have chosen another venue or spent shit loads but why should they. They had a lovely day in the holiday inn which was within their budget. They did tell friends in advance what they were doing and confided that they were sad to leave off children they were very close to who weren't family but the pure drama and angry feelings that would have come if they'd allowed 'certain children' just wasn't worth the stress.

The cut off point will always be: affordibility, venue size, guest list and in some cases, childs behaviour. Some parents let their kids run rampant, my cousin is bad proof of that, hence why my sister did not invite her children. She and her husband allowed their children to run screaming up and down the aisle at one wedding, yank on the bride's dress as she walked down the aisle, throw their dinner around, make loud demands and throw tantrums when not met (they just stood their trying to bride them rather then remove them from the room or take them to their own).

As someone said wedding stress comes from two sources- the wedding party or the guests. I never get why people get really furious if they don't like their wedding invite-just don't go, I understand the upset but fury-no. Same as brides/groom who get narky when people can't make it to stags/hens/wedding-it's an invite, not jury duty.

People have their own lives, that goes for guests and the bride/groom- different situations, different perspectives, different priorities.

I do expect one thing OP, I expect their will be at least one none family child at the wedding-not because they've been invited but because some people really are so self absorbed and entitled that, instead of cancelling, they'll do what suits them. Probably annoying the majority of other guests who have cancelled or found care.

Mumblepot26 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:07:02

YABU

Mia4 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:07:20

And on the subject of 'joyless', i know a lot of parents who enjoy the CF wedding and love the day because it is CF and they have no distraction from enjoyment with their friends/family. So not everyone finds it joyless.I can certainly say the wedding my cousins kids misbehaved at was less joyless and more stressful for everyone given their poor behaviour and my cousins crappy discipline so having kids doesn't equal joyful all the time.

Think its really common, just been to a wedding where the only kids were mine, (pageboy and flower girl) and the niece and nephews of the couple. There were also 2 babes in arms. For space more than money they couldn't have invited everyone's kids. I would want families there, because I view marriage as being about creating families, but it wasn't my wedding. I love toddlers on the dance floor, but it wasn't my wedding.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 25-Aug-13 11:10:43

fluffyraggies Sun 25-Aug-13 10:05:41
I think many couples are hung up on the big flashy do with bells and whistles - then find they cannot afford to have half the people they'd like to invite to join them. So then they try to chop the numbers by saying 'leave the kids at home please'. Invite half the family. I think it's sad

I know it's your day, your rules etc. But if you can't afford to have it all, and invite a whole families, then either have a tiny 'boutique' wedding, or a big cheap knees up

Do you not think that people have a child free wedding because that's what they want rather than that's what they can afford?

We had a child free day by choice. We didnt have an expensive wedding.

I'm not insulted if DS doesn't get an invite to a wedding, we're quite capable of functioning as a couple for the day. To be honest it's not very relaxing taking an 18 month to a wedding as he wants to run around all the time, although I'd miss him terribly.

Crumbledwalnuts Sun 25-Aug-13 11:11:49

Are you suggesting she is not allowed to invite her own children because yours are not allowed to go? Do you always think the world revolves around you?

FacebookWanker Sun 25-Aug-13 11:13:03

If all our friends and family bring their children there will be 40+ children there so I've been agonising over how to invite family children only + children of my maid of honor. Especially as DH wants all his friends to bring their children. I just don't know how we're going to accommodate them all without it turning in to a circus.

Snoopingforsoup Sun 25-Aug-13 11:16:06

It's that age old nightmare!

I have no family babysitters on tap so it invariably means only one of us can go to a wedding where kids aren't invited.

I would stomach it fine if it wasn't for other people using it as an excuse to have a go and guests posting the pics all over FB to rub in what a fun time you missed!

Crock of shite. I think kids make a wedding personally!

jessieagain Sun 25-Aug-13 11:22:21

I think it is understandable. And she made it clear ahead of time so you can accept and arrange a babysitter or politely decline.

NoComet Sun 25-Aug-13 11:26:29

Personally I think weddings are multi generational all inclusive events celebrating the cycle of life, there should be children there.

Even if mine had only one baby, because I got married pretty young and my career orientated cousins didn't have DCs until they were older.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 25-Aug-13 11:30:20

I think kids make a wedding personally!

I think the bride and groom make a wedding, personally.

diamond211 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:40:36

The bride and groom can choose to invite a bucket load of monkeys if they so wish, it's not up yo you!

Bellini28 Sun 25-Aug-13 11:47:44

I've been to weddings with my DD and without. I know which I enjoyed more!

I don't understand this upset regarding children... Weddings are costly affairs and can be never ending and then with lots of kids entertainment usually need to be provided....

I once attended a wedding that was ruined by kids running amok.

Use it as an opportunity to have a night off and let your hair down. Or, dont go but it is their right to choose who they want and don't want to attend.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 25-Aug-13 12:02:14

I was quiet impressed with a friends wedding invite that explained that it was family children only BUT if you where prepared to pay for your child's food then they could come BUT the church only held 100 ish people and some would have to wait outside.

(the reception and evening do was in a big marquee in a field)

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 25-Aug-13 12:06:27

OP - "AIBU?"
Most MNers - "YABU"
OP - "I agree, IABU"
Another bunch of MNers "YABU and...."

RTFT!

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 25-Aug-13 12:14:28

candycoatedwaterdrops

I hadn't realised that the discussion had to stop at a specific point.
Maybe you should police all of threads to let us know when the thread should stop.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Sun 25-Aug-13 12:15:38

Thanks for all these responses.

Weddings seem to be such a minefield don't they? I absolutely hold my hands up and say I was being precious in my OP. I am going to go and enjoy the day and try not to drink too much!

I stand by my decision never to get married myself though. Far too stressful. grin

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 25-Aug-13 12:21:43

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam

This
"Weddings seem to be such a minefield don't they?"

I think is the key part.

If you are having a wedding you have to resign yourself to the fact that somebody is not going to be happy and that will sometimes includes the bride and groom.

candycoatedwaterdrops Sun 25-Aug-13 12:26:54

BoneyBack I didn't say anyone had to stop the discussion but continuing to beat someone with a stick makes them look very silly when the OP has changed her mind.

Jan49 Sun 25-Aug-13 12:29:16

Well done, Cardiff, for realising YWBU. smile

You can go to a registry office, take a few photos afterwards and then go home, or have a meal out with a few people. It doesn't have to be a big stressful event.

I suppose I had a "child-free wedding" though I kind of thought it was just a wedding lol. We had under 12 guests in total, none of my friends had dc at that time and the only child in my family was my niece, whose mum decided not to come (living abroad and pregnant) so there were no children there. It certainly wasn't "joyless".

But when people choose not to invite children they also have to accept that some of the adults they would like to be there may be unable to come as a result.

Dh and I were invited to the wedding of two friends of ours. They explained, very apologetically, that they couldn't invite our children, because the venue only had a certain amount of space, and if they included people's children, they'd only be able to invite about half the adults (their actual friends/relatives) who they wanted there. They said that there would be some children there - bridesmaids, some close family, but it never occurred to me to be miffed that some children were invited, but my precious children weren't.

We found childcare for the boys, and had a lovely, child-free day at the wedding. It was great.

ShellyBoobs Sun 25-Aug-13 12:46:34

MN Headlines:

CardiffUni in "You're right, I'm wrong" AIBU shocker.

Is this a first?

An OP who has graciously and comprehensively changed her view in light of MNers responses?

shock grin

raisah Sun 25-Aug-13 17:02:29

You couldn't enforce a no kids rule at an Asian wedding, they would just ignore you! It is regarded as an alien and rude custom, people would look at you as if you had grown two heads. It is on a par with expecting your guests to pay for their own meals at your wedding. Not the done thing at all, it would cause generational feuds!

mollycuddles Sun 25-Aug-13 17:20:50

My brother who got married in NYC invited 2 out of my 3 DCs. Not sure what he thought I was going to do with a 2 year old. Actually he thought I'd go to NYC without the whole family and didn't understand why I'd not be delighted at the opportunity to have a break. He is a complete twat and I should have told him to fuck off but we went. DH spent the day with dd and we spent a bloody fortune. Then we got a babysitter for the evening do. Believe me that event redefined joyless for me.
Do what suits you best op

I am currently organising my own wedding and am having these dilemmas too.

if I invite all the children I would be looking at about 40 kids and 100 adults. out of those children, I have met 5. the rest are the children of my dp's work colleagues and uni friends.

I don't want to invite completely unknown children to my wedding, because of the extra numbers and cost and also I have no idea about their behaviour.

as a result, we are probably going to say babies only. which means my goddaughter and her brother won't be able to come. i'm really sad about this but there's not much else I can do.

Yonionekanobe Sun 25-Aug-13 18:26:15

I think I'd include my godchildren in the invitations BigKids. I certainly understand if people invited theirs and not my DDs.

ladymariner Sun 25-Aug-13 19:03:51

I don't really understand this confusion tbh, it's your wedding and it's up to you what you do and who you invite bigKids.
Just politely explain on the invites that it's a child free wedding, much like the explanation SDT got on her wedding invite.....I certainly wouldn't want a lot of children I didn't know there, but no way would I want any children dear to me not there, iykwim....good luck smile

Jengnr Sun 25-Aug-13 19:21:00

People saying childfree weddings are joyless must have really dull family and friends.

Ours was (virtually) childfree. My niece was a bridesmaid and was picked up after the speeches (actually it was during the speeches as they overran :D ) I would have invited my husband's niece and nephew too but their parents told me not to :D

It wasn't a huge flashy affair but the venue held a finite number of people and had we invited all our guests' children we wouldn't have been able to onvite the guests we wanted. There were a few people we would have liked to invite and didn't as it was.

One thing it certainly wasn't was joyless.

Trills Sun 25-Aug-13 19:30:05

if a person had their own children then they would probably like children and wouldn't mind having them at their wedding.

Hahahahahaha.

Really?

Someone who has children therefore likes children? Nope.

Someone who likes children therefore wants all their friends' children at their wedding? Nope.

Children take up spaces that could be filled by people who are actually your friends. Children of your friends are not themselves your friends.

GoingUpInTheWorld Sun 25-Aug-13 20:20:44

I had a no children wedding last year. Dhs children werent even invited. No one didnt come because their children werent invited.

Wellthen Sun 25-Aug-13 20:46:14

I think if you exclude children you have to accept some of your guests wont be able to come. Completely child free weddings are odd if a lot of the guests have children or 'important' guests such as your family have children.

But, and I am genrally interested to know MN opinions as this may become important for me fairly soon, what about:
older (10+) children you have never met
children you don't like (assuming you are not related to them and they dont belong to the groomsmen or bridesmaids)
children who's parents you know would enjoy it more without them

Also - if your children's names arent on the invite, would you assume they are invited? I dont understand the need to say 'no children' - surely you just don't invite them.

I am a teacher so clearly like children and am looking forward to having them at my wedding (if I have one!). But I know quite a few people with children - do I really need to invite all of them?

Wellthen Sun 25-Aug-13 20:47:50

Sorry, bit of a cross post with bigkids!

CaterpillarCara Tue 27-Aug-13 07:54:58

The invitation thing is weird, people don't always seem to be that clear. I have twice not taken my children as they were not named and then been told they were invited and the bride was sad they hadn't come.

MissDuke Tue 27-Aug-13 08:04:06

I think this is normal, I wouldn't expect to bring my children to a friend's wedding. However I will admit I was very upset when my husband's sister didn't invite our children to her wedding - especially since she knew we had bought their outfits a while before the invites came out. Would never even cross my mind that someone would leave their own nieces and nephews (she has 4) out of their wedding. Each to their own I guess!

aurynne Tue 27-Aug-13 08:16:17

I did agonise over this with our wedding. We wanted a small party, something like 50 family and close friends, but if everyone had brought their kids we would have ended with almost as many kids as adults (and most of these kids were between 2 and 5 years old). We decided to take the risk and not make it child-free. We were incredibly lucky, as almost half of the guests with children decided not to bring them, and the day was so beautiful that the remaining kids had a blast playing outside and behaved wonderfully. We had the most amazing day, everyone absolutely loved it, children included.

However, we were very, very lucky. If everyone had decided to bring their kids, if it had been a rainy day and we had to stay inside, or if some of the kids had not behaved so well, it could very well have been very different.

valiumredhead Tue 27-Aug-13 08:53:45

Same as my wedding. Not weird, just very cleargrin

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 27-Aug-13 09:47:56

if your children's names arent on the invite, would you assume they are invited? I dont understand the need to say 'no children' - surely you just don't invite them

You can't assume, ever! Some people assume their kids are invited even if their names aren't on the invitation, or just turn up on the day with them. You have to specify no kids if that's what you want. We just put a short bit about children not being invited on the info we included with the invitations. We also told all our friends a year in advance.

twistedtoffee Tue 27-Aug-13 10:41:17

YABU. It is perfectly normal to want your own children and your nieces and nephews at your wedding. They are family. If you had to start asking all of your friends' children as well you could end up with dozens of kids tearing around the place, not to mention the extra cos

QueenofallIsee Tue 27-Aug-13 11:10:44

I was invited to a NC wedding - the B&Gs 18mth old son was the only one and was whisked away at 6pm. We were fine with that. Went to one where every single guest came with kids - there were over 50 children & the bride ended up phoning the evening reception DJ to come 2 hrs early and start games etc as they were completely out of control. Went to a beautiful wedding with kids with bouncy castle and party bags etc were put on & kids were well bahaved

A happy medium is not unreasonable in my opinion so as guests we choose to go or not!

I am irish and this is totally normal for irish weddings.

No it isn't. I'm Irish too and every Irish wedding I've ever been to has been overrun with kids. They're part of the celebration, there'd be plenty of hmm faces at the thought of child-free weddings.

wonderingifiam2013 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:19:33

Not read all comments ... but we've just received a save the date and I'm hoping it's 'no kids' but I can't bring myself to ask yet as it looks like I would be seen as a bad parent!

DH is best man so I don't want to be dragging small kids round with me all day - I want to arrange sitters, book a hotel for the night, buy an outfit that doesn't have to be patterned to disguise spills/puke/sticky fingers, wear sky high heels that I won't wobble on reaching down to a 2.5 foot little person grin and get drunk and dance with my husband! smile

And you never know ... get to sleep in past 6am and fit in some other fun!

I LOVE child free weddings grin

wonderingifiam2013 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:21:44

and to add to that ... even if it is a child free wedding, ours will still be babysat hoping not ALL our family are invited! wink

wonderingifiam2013 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:22:05

I meant child friendly!

stillbusy84 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:22:38

Sorry yabu. Perfectly fine.

PostBellumBugsy Tue 27-Aug-13 11:28:52

Childfree weddings always sadden me slightly - but I do understand why. As people get married later & later or 2nd or 3rd time around you can end up with loads of kids. If you are trying to do something vaguely formal, then just seating them all turns into a nightmare, not to mention the cost of feeding them all.
I think you have to respect the choice of whoever is stumping up for it all & just go with it as their party.

SHarri13 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:30:46

We did this, it was great and I'm pretty sure 99% of our friends were happy with this, that's why they are our friends!

Lweji Tue 27-Aug-13 11:31:46

as a result, we are probably going to say babies only. which means my goddaughter and her brother won't be able to come. i'm really sad about this but there's not much else I can do.

Why??? shock

Even if you decide to exclude most children, you should certainly be able to invite any children you particularly want to be there.
And owe no explanations to anyone.

soverylucky Tue 27-Aug-13 11:43:17

They can invite who they want. I wouldn't go though.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:43:23

My friend said no kids at the wedding, but it was ok as it was an all in one wedding with reception at same venue as ceremony, and we could stay over. My mum kindly looked after 8 week old DD2 in the room, I could pop back up to BF, and my dad and aunty took DD1 out for the day.

One of friend's other friends did unexpectedly bring a three year old with them. My friend was so apologetic to me, but I told her not to worry at all, doesn't matter one bit!

I think it's fine to invite some children of close family. We had lots of children at our wedding which was brilliant, but it depends on your venue and budget.

Fillyjonk75 Tue 27-Aug-13 11:44:36

At the couple of child free weddings I've been to, I was really glad not to bring the kids as the venue wasn't suitable for them. Also we had a great time!

soverylucky Tue 27-Aug-13 11:46:00

And to add - you must specify no kids if you don't want any. We had an invite that was to us both and I just assumed that dd could come too. She was the only child there. It was only later (when I joined mn in fact) when I discovered that child free weddings existed, that I realised I wasn't supposed to bring her. She was only a baby though and slept in her pram the whole time.

Floggingmolly Tue 27-Aug-13 12:03:18

You thought because they had their own children they would "like" everyone else's children enough to invite them to their wedding??????
That is really not how it works...

ceres Tue 27-Aug-13 12:20:12

"I am irish and this is totally normal for irish weddings.

No it isn't. I'm Irish too and every Irish wedding I've ever been to has been overrun with kids. They're part of the celebration, there'd be plenty of hmm faces at the thought of child-free weddings."

well it's normal for the approx 10247 weddings I've been to.

And it's not normal for the similar amount of weddings I've been to!

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