uninvited to wedding

(83 Posts)
treesntrees Thu 22-Aug-13 18:32:14

am I being unreasonable to be upset that son and daughter in law have been un-invited to cousin's wedding because they were late RSPBing due to difficulties in arranging child care for child free wedding?

How long ago was the invite sent, did your ds and dil tell the bride they had difficulties sorting out care?

if the wedding is this Saturday then yes YABU grin

Teeb Thu 22-Aug-13 18:34:44

How late? Did they make any effort to get in touch with the couple to explain that they were trying to find childcare and would let them know for definite by a certain date? I'm guessing not, in which case they were not uninvited, they declined the invite.

Yabu.

CaptainJamesTKirk Thu 22-Aug-13 18:35:25

Chuckling at RSPBing....

Captain grin

FruOla Thu 22-Aug-13 18:37:11

How long have they been 'sitting' on the invitation?
Did they contact the B&G to say they were having problems with childcare for that day?

VegasIsBest Thu 22-Aug-13 18:37:16

It's unreasonable to expect the invitation to be kept open forever as the bride and groom have to plan numbers and may want to invite someone else from a reserve list.

Communication is key. Did they explain the reason for the delay and ask for an extension in the RSVP deadline?

mynameisslimshady Thu 22-Aug-13 18:37:16

They weren't really uninvited though, they just didn't reply by the sound of things. Yabu.

YABU, a bit. If there were a lot of guests who didn't reply by the required date then the couple can't be chasing everyone up.

JassyRadlett Thu 22-Aug-13 18:39:02

If they were having childcare issues they should have called and explained the situation and asked if the couple minded them RSVPing a little late.

In the bride/groom's shoes I would have chased but I get really irritated by the expectation that people don't need to respond because they'll be chased up.

fifi669 Thu 22-Aug-13 18:39:32

Nope. Uninviting is just rude.

IvanaCake Thu 22-Aug-13 18:42:57

Yabu I think. There has to be a cut off point for RSVPing so that the bride and groom can confirm numbers with the venue.

MrsLouisTheroux Thu 22-Aug-13 18:43:31

If they didn't respond by the RSVP date and didn't let the couple know why then it is perfectly reasonable to assume that they weren't going. YABU.

Euphemia Thu 22-Aug-13 18:44:58

Were they sitting on the invitation waiting for it to hatch? smile

Hatch into some babysitters? grin

WorraLiberty Thu 22-Aug-13 18:45:10

I don't see it as 'uninviting' really.

If they had accepted and agreed to go, then they were told they were no longer welcome...I'd see that as being uninvited.

CatAmongThePigeons Thu 22-Aug-13 18:48:06

Not RSVPing is the guests saying that they do not wish to come. Its not the hosts uninvitinh

MrsKoala Thu 22-Aug-13 18:50:24

Depends on the timing really. We still had people texting the morning of our wedding saying 'we aren't coming' err no shit sherlock, WE decided that for you 3 weeks ago when we had to give caterers final numbers after numerous chase up calls and if you turned up now there would be no food for you and i would tell you to fuck off ask you nicely to leave!

MintyChops Thu 22-Aug-13 18:55:05

If they didn't RSVP and didn't make any contact to say they were struggling to find childcare then they have been quite rude and it's fair enough that they are no longer invited.

2rebecca Thu 22-Aug-13 18:59:18

You're unreasonable to be getting overinvolved in your adult son's affairs anyway in my opinion.
If they didn't bother letting the bride and groom know they might come then they didn't actually RSVP so effectively declined the invite. They should have been more grown up about it rather than complaining to mummy.

Jan49 Thu 22-Aug-13 19:08:02

I'm not surprised someone's feathers were ruffled over them being late RSPBing. grin

They've not been uninvited. They've failed to reply to an invitation which is a rude way of saying "we're not coming".

FruOla Thu 22-Aug-13 19:08:51

grin 2rebecca

SuffolkNWhat Thu 22-Aug-13 19:10:28

I can't believe the gull of some people wink

OrangeLily Thu 22-Aug-13 19:12:39

If they were horrendously late then it's their own fault. Most couples set a reasonable RSVP date so they've got a bit of leeway on the dates anyway.

TheCuntingPigeon Thu 22-Aug-13 19:12:45

Coo!

SuffolkNWhat Thu 22-Aug-13 19:14:26

Won't someone sparrow a thought for the poor bride & groom trying to sort out numbers?

mynameisslimshady Thu 22-Aug-13 19:16:14

You are all being tits now swanning in here with your bird jokes.

katatonic Thu 22-Aug-13 19:16:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 22-Aug-13 19:18:46

Are they still going to buy them a pheasant?

YABU. Someone I invited to my wedding contacted me 6 weeks after the RSVP by date to ask if she could still come (still didn't send the card back and I included an SAE). I told her she was welcome to join us for the evening but unfortunately her place for the day had been given to someone else and she deleted me off her FB friends and hasn't replied!

Is the reception at 'The Swan'

<I'll get me coat, ok I'm going>

MardyBra Thu 22-Aug-13 19:26:42

Owling with laughter at the Rspb replies.

We need more info OP. if they were a week late and the wedding is next year, then it's unreasonable.

If they're several weeks late and the wedding is imminent it's reasonable, even if some feathers are going to be ruffled. [ wink]

Methe Thu 22-Aug-13 19:31:04

What absolute tits!

AnneUulmelmahay Thu 22-Aug-13 19:35:19

Oh this is owlful. Poor lovebirds.

Ducky, try not to dabble in your chick's problems. They were really ruddy ducking rude in not replying.

OP, keep your beak out of this!

TramadolDaze Thu 22-Aug-13 19:37:38

What are you all squawking about here?

grin

RenterNomad Thu 22-Aug-13 19:43:04

Blown away
Is the
Reply
Date

MrsSchadenfreude Thu 22-Aug-13 19:44:28

As well as posting on Mumsnet, why don't you try tweeting this problem as well?

<helpful>

grin

RenterNomad Thu 22-Aug-13 19:44:38

Besides, Bride & Groom have had enough on their chick-list!

Mia4 Thu 22-Aug-13 19:45:58

YABU, unless the RSVP is a very long time before the wedding or they'd called up to explain already and the couple ignored their explanation. The couple need to tell the venue how much food to prepare so they need to know numbers. Also they may have very eager friends who'd jump at the chance to RSVP so why shouldn't the invite go to someone who cares enough to RSVP or explain?

Also if your son couldn't be arsed to call up and explain then he can't really be arsed all that much about attending. He wasn't univited, he didn't bother responding or letting them know. Honestly, it's not anything to do with you- do you often fight your son's battles? Does he expect you to step in when he can't be bothered?

primroseyellow Thu 22-Aug-13 19:47:41

Why do some people assume they do not need to reply to an invite with RSVP? Still waiting to hear from one of my invitees(?) for an event last weekend (and still narked she never thanked us for wedding present...),,conclusion: she is entitled madam who thinks these things beneath her.....

Where is OP, has she flown the nest?

<bom, bom, I'm here all week. Ta---dahhh!

Mia4 Thu 22-Aug-13 19:56:33

primroseyellow some people are guestzilla's g much as there are bride and groomzilla's I've seen some guest ones.

I know one friend who is getting married next weekend had someone RSVP over facebook (awful etiquette) - despite the invites including prestamped RSVP envelopes- over 6 weeks late and expecting the bride to accommodate her. Even more facepalming was the fact that said couple had both emailed, fb and called this woman who'd ignored them all. Apparently, she felt she 'couldn't commit' until now. Though didn't bother sharing that information until less than a week before.

Lestagal78 Thu 22-Aug-13 19:57:08

No she's thrown us the bird. For our bad humour.

stiffstink Thu 22-Aug-13 19:57:46

Eggstraordinary!

lljkk Thu 22-Aug-13 19:58:40

Can't swallow this tale, maybe OP is some kinda Lyrebird.

Methe Thu 22-Aug-13 20:07:48

I think she's chickened out!

treesntrees Thu 22-Aug-13 21:04:34

First of all they did contact the bride and groom and say they would like to come but explained that they couldn't confirm until they knew if the grandparents could babysit. The grandparents had arrangements themselves which were difficult to re-arrange. The wedding was over 200 miles away so child care needed for two days and one night so trusted baby sitter that the child would be happy to stay with for that length of time had to be used. They were actually told six weeks before the wedding date by the brides mother that they should consider themselves un-invited.
Secondly when has feeling upset been poking ones nose in.
Yes I did mean RSVP but do think the amusing replies were funny.

nkf Thu 22-Aug-13 21:06:45

Did they reply via twitter?

treesntrees Thu 22-Aug-13 21:08:17

Sorry for the delay in answering but my computer froze so I closed it down to cool it .

AnneUulmelmahay Thu 22-Aug-13 21:09:10

6 weeks before and they still hadn't confirmed, oh dear.

Bad feelings all round sad

6 weeks before is not much time to arrange numbers for caterers etc.

MrsKoala Thu 22-Aug-13 21:11:13

i presume the cousin is the groom then and the Brides Mother is 'in charge' In this circs i think yanbu and she sounds unpleasant. Maybe the cousin can step in?

MrsKoala Thu 22-Aug-13 21:12:59

When were the invitations sent? I only sent mine 10-12 weeks before the wedding. Is 6 weeks close then? Our caterers needed final numbers a couple of weeks before.

parakeet Thu 22-Aug-13 21:14:15

I do think that for most people, by six weeks before the wedding they are wanting to finalise numbers. How long had your son been sitting on the invite for?

And don't you think that there's a touch of "being peeved that it's a child-free wedding" about all this?

solarbright Thu 22-Aug-13 21:14:33

Yes, it was rude to uninvite them under those circumstances, particularly if done by bride's mother with little grace.

However it doesn't seem that they ever actually secured childcare, and they must realise that there will be a cost to the wedding couple if they do not have confirmed numbers. So I also think the invitees were rude not to simply reply, sorry, tried to find childcare but no luck and don't want to keep you waiting.

A lack of politeness all round, really.

Lweji Thu 22-Aug-13 21:16:43

There must have been a reason why they had an early RSVP date.

How late were they?

Did they confirm they were going or were beaten to it by the groom's mother?

Lweji Thu 22-Aug-13 21:17:09

Sorry, bride's mother.

We had to pay the final balance for our caterers 6 weeks before so we needed final numbers. The lady making the table plan needed four weeks notice.

Deemail Thu 22-Aug-13 21:22:32

I would not take any information delivered second hand as gospel, I would speak to the people who issued the invite.

MrsKoala Thu 22-Aug-13 21:23:19

i suppose it's proportionate to when the invitations were sent and how far past the cut off date was then. If they had the invitations 6 months earlier then i would expect to have things sorted by 6 wks before.

treesntrees Thu 22-Aug-13 21:28:07

The cousin is the bride and her parents said they needed definite numbers six weeks before. I am working really hard to excuse this "un-invited" message as I understand organising a wedding is stressful but sometimes my hurt surfaces. I don't want to express this in RL as I am not good with words and don't want to cause a rift in the family. I daresay I will get over it in time.
Yes the invitations were sent about the same length of time as yours MrsKoala

BrokenSunglasses Thu 22-Aug-13 21:29:12

How long before the date did they RSVP?

If it was only 6 weeks and then they were immediately told that their places had been reallocated, then that's fair enough of the B&G.

If they had only asked for an extra week or two after the RSVP date that was five months before the wedding, and apologised for having to reply late, then YANBU.

MrsLouisTheroux Thu 22-Aug-13 21:34:55

TBH if it's 200 miles away and would mean 2 nights/3 days babysitting due to no children being invited, would they be really so sorry to miss the big event?

My invites didn't go out until about 8 weeks before! I think finalising numbers 6 weeks in advance is really early.

Lweji Thu 22-Aug-13 21:41:10

It depends, but if that was the due date, then they should have said yes and if they couldn't attend, give a good enough gift.

If it was an arbitrary date, then YANBU, if the caterer had to be paid, then YABU.

RenterNomad Thu 22-Aug-13 21:41:51

You've been a very good sport about all the teasing,*trees*. smile

Viviennemary Thu 22-Aug-13 21:46:22

If a confirmation of the numbers had to be given to the caterers by a certain date then they should have replied before then. But usually caterers are flexible about extra people if needed. They haven't exactly been 'uninvited' but they failed to accept the invitation before the deadline date.

MrsKoala Thu 22-Aug-13 21:48:52

i think 4 weeks is quite a short turn about time to expect people to organise things to travel that far away from dc, especially if they had already asked for 'extra time'. Is it your Neice's wedding then OP? Are you married to her uncle or related to her parents?

MrsKoala Thu 22-Aug-13 21:50:38

What was the exact wording of the 'un-invitation' OP?

MidniteScribbler Thu 22-Aug-13 22:20:52

Sounds more like a case of them not having their care sorted by the deadline, so brides mother said that numbers need to be confirmed and she'd assume they were decling, rather than being 'uninvited'. If you can't give a definite answer by the rsvp date, and the hosts can't wait any longer due to needing to advise venue, caterers, etc, then you're a no.

NicknameIncomplete Thu 22-Aug-13 22:23:41

I organised my whole wedding in 6 weeks so this is all strange to me.

Are the cousins close? If not i wouldnt b that disappointed in being uninvited.

BlehPukeVomit Thu 22-Aug-13 22:30:26

It depends what was said when your son and DIL contacted the bride and groom? It would be normal at this time to agree a date by which the bride and groom would need a firm answer.

If they contacted them when the invites first went out and then didnt contact them in the intervening 4 and a half months to keep the bride and groom updated then I can understand why they were uninvited.

MrsKoala Thu 22-Aug-13 22:32:40

i thought OP said the MOB said 'consider yourself uninvited then' which is not the same as assuming they had declined.

ageofgrandillusion Thu 22-Aug-13 22:37:17

It sounds like they needed to get their skates on instead of fannying around with is grandma babysitting/isnt she etc. 200 miles is a long way in any case - lucky escape is how i'd look at it.

MintyChops Fri 23-Aug-13 10:00:12

Well in that case YANBU to be upset and I admire you for restraining yourself from saying anything. It would probably cause a family rift if you did but equally, try not to let it fester for you and cause you more upset.

MotherofDragons82 Fri 23-Aug-13 10:55:56

I'm another one who only sent out invitations about six weeks before the wedding. We only booked the venue 12 weeks before. So six weeks before, for finalising things, seems very early to me (and a bit barmy).

Did you get married recently mother? We booked ours a year ahead and some venues were already taken, as was our top choice of photographer (wedding is in 3 weeks)

mylittlesunshine Fri 23-Aug-13 11:15:19

I think with timings etc venues really differ... We had to pay our final bill 6 weeks before but didn't have to give specific dietary requirements until 2 weeks before, because we were paying the bill we needed numbers of confirmed guests 6 weeks before. We had one family of 4 confirm by the correct date only to cancel on us 3 days after we paid the final bill which was annoying. We had 2 more who said yes very early on and cancelled 7 days before the wedding and 2 who said they needed to check if they could get time off and were working on it, I had to ask them 3 times if I should confirm without them as it was now cut off date and eventually she said they couldn't come as she was struggling to get it off only to come back 2 days later to say they could now come!

I wanted to scream, cry and elope all at once!

I think your son should contact the B&G, apologise for not being able to sort out childcare more quickly and say it is probably better if they don't attend. Truthfully distant(ish) family are not likely to be top of B&G's wanted list at a wedding.

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 23-Aug-13 11:38:03

I think it's absolutely fair enough! Won't they get to just the evening now or are they being deleted from the acknowledgment if the bride and groom for the rest of time? That would be a bit ott.

Trills Fri 23-Aug-13 11:42:15

YABU to be "upset" about other people and whether they are invited to a wedding or not.

firesidechat Fri 23-Aug-13 12:28:47

I've just received an invitation which gave us less than 10 days to RSVP and the RSVP date was a whole 4 months before the wedding! That did seem a bit odd, but maybe they had their reasons too.

My daughter sent her invites out about 5 months before the wedding and the RSVP date was a month before. They had to finalise numbers with the caterers 2 weeks before the wedding and they allowed a couple of extra weeks for the stragglers. Someone cancelled the day before the wedding and that was two uneaten meals that we had to pay for.

An RSVP 6 weeks prior to the wedding doesn't seem too bad.

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