to say no to another baby because dh doesn't want me to breastfeed?

(206 Posts)
Hollibaloo Tue 20-Aug-13 23:54:15

I have a 7 and 2 year old. I am very much pro-breastfeeding and for fed my eldest til she self weaned at 3 and am still feeding my 2 year old. Dh and I would like dc3 but tonight he said that he wants this hypothetical baby to be formula fed. He said he knows bf is healthier etc but he thinks ff is quicker, easier and will give us more time together. His children with ex wife were ff and they had lots of nights out which we don't. I said I'd compromise and use a dummy but that bf is important to me and Seriseeing as I work from home and do all night feeds it should really be up to me. He said I picked to bf dc1+2 so it's time he had a choice. Aibu to stand my ground and say I will only have another dc if I can breastfeed?

pongping Tue 20-Aug-13 23:55:47

YANBU. I would not compromise on this.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Aug-13 23:58:29

I say you should stop playing games with each other and tell him to fuck off with his "it's about time I got a choice"

yeah, Pal, when men carry a baby, deliver it and feed it from their breasts, they get a choice

what an idiotic man

Yanbu. It really, really shouldn't be his choice. Normally I'm v much in favour of compromise, but bf is an absolute must (where it can possibly be done) imho.

squoosh Tue 20-Aug-13 23:59:33

'He said I picked to bf dc1+2 so it's time he had a choice.'

Who the hell does he think he is laying down the law over how you use your own body. Bodily autonomy is one of the most important rights we have.

I'd be fizzing if someone gave me these orders and conditions.

ovenchips Tue 20-Aug-13 23:59:55

His argument makes no sense.

binhome Wed 21-Aug-13 00:00:27

Yanbu. So he thinks nights out are more important than the many benefits of breastfeeding to you and the future baby.
What a twat!

If you are willing and (so far) capable of breastfeeding, then your DH is being a selfish arse for wanting you to ff so he can have nights out. He really places his fun and entertainment above the health of his own child.

I wouldn't have another baby with a man with such skewed priorities.

OOAOML Wed 21-Aug-13 00:00:50

Is he going to do all the feeds (including all the sterilising)? Why is it his choice more than yours then? Do you expect to go on lots of nights out when you have all the work and expense of 3 children? If he thinks breastfeeding is healthier how will he explain to DC3 that his social life was more important?

LeaveTheBastid Wed 21-Aug-13 00:01:00

He'd honestly not give his child the best tailor made food it can get just so you can spend some more time together? Selfish man.

YANBU, at all.

If he was asking to name the baby this time maybe that would be a 'choice'
In the only practical sense I can almost see where he's coming from but I would suggest he has a limited understanding of why bf is optimum and ff isn't.

Finola1step Wed 21-Aug-13 00:01:14

Not his choice.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 21-Aug-13 00:01:44


AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 00:01:53

how many largin' it nights out does he think you are going to get with 3 kids ?

cloud fucking cuckoo land

5madthings Wed 21-Aug-13 00:04:42

Yanbu he is being a fool. Its not his choice to make at all.

HopLittleFroggyHopHopHop Wed 21-Aug-13 00:04:49

YANBU, he's really not thinking of whats best for the baby or you. Remind him about all the washing, sterilising and paying for formula that he would have to do too.

Could you maybe "reassure" him about BF by reminding him some children self wean earlier than others so the hypothetical baby might not feed as long as your first 2?
And also maybe pointing out that you would be leaving a FF baby the same amount as a BF baby and so that it would make no difference regards nights out.
Also remind him not all babies can breastfeed so it might be a no go and result in expressing/FF anyway so theres not much point overthinking it beforehand anyway.

It seems like hes not quite got his priorities right regarding a third DC. If you both want a baby then I'd have one, but if he only wants one if it slots right in and doesn't add any extra stress or workload then I'd wait a little while and see if things change.

Cravingdairy Wed 21-Aug-13 00:05:05

I think a man with five (plus?) children can't expect many nights out. Also YADNBU.

JADS Wed 21-Aug-13 00:05:11

I don't think you should be thinking about having a baby with this bloke tbh. He sounds like a prat.Is he going to do all th night feeds if the baby is FF as it's so quick and easy? To think a few nights out are better than optimising a child's health is mad.

BrokenSunglasses Wed 21-Aug-13 00:05:33

YANBU. I think Dads in general should make more active decisions for their children when they are small, but the method of feeding a baby isn't one of them.

I can understand why be doesn't want your body to be taken over for another three or four years on top of the years you've already done, but if he wants another child, then it's a sacrifice he will just have to make.

RhondaJean Wed 21-Aug-13 00:05:34

Actually I think it's fair enough for him to want input into how his child is fed and to consider overall how it effects your life as a family.

Bf sure us better but yknow if you follow the instructions ff isn't actually evil.

Or perhaps he actually doesn't want another child and knew how you would react?

VileWoman Wed 21-Aug-13 00:05:49

Probably not the most constructive thing to say but if FFing worked out so well for him and his ex why aren't they still together? Your body, your choice.

Although I do think even the most pro-BFing man begins to wonder if they are ever going to get 'their' breasts back. DH did make noises about how long was I planning to BF this time then DS turned out be have a cows milk allergy so he's accepted it's going to be a while!

HoopersGinger Wed 21-Aug-13 00:07:17

This is probably subjective but my ex said this. Same thing, his ex wife had bottle fed. I breast fed but he did horrible things like at 4 weeks old said she should go 4 hrs and wouldn't pass her over. Not suggesting your man would do this but what is he on?

Maybe he is seeing it from purely practical terms but if so he is extremely misguided. Get one if those practice doll things and let it scream at him every 2 hours throughout the night while he fumbles with flasks. YANBU.

DizzyPurple Wed 21-Aug-13 00:07:26

He is joking right? If you can and want to breastfeed then you should! There are so many health benefits to both you and your child it's the sensible thing to do. Offer to buy a breast pump and express occasionally so you can go out. He is being extremely selfish. That idea would not be entertained in my house!

No one said ff was evil. I can see how this thread will go....

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 00:07:49

'Actually I think it's fair enough for him to want input into how his child is fed and to consider overall how it effects your life as a family.'

His concern isn't about the child's welfare or family life, it's concern that his social life will be curtailed.

flowersinavase Wed 21-Aug-13 00:07:57

YANBU. He's a fool and utterly selfish.

Jux Wed 21-Aug-13 00:08:03

Not his choice. If he could do it, he could choose not to. He can't, so if you want to go ahead.

HoopersGinger Wed 21-Aug-13 00:08:46

My post is very unclear! Second "she" is our baby, not his ex wife.

MrsWembley Wed 21-Aug-13 00:08:52

Absolutely gobsmacked by such a statement!shock

His fucking choice?!!!!!!

hmm You really need to ask him what the fuck he thinks he's talking about. It's not a choice he is in a position to make. It's not his choice to make. It's just so far beyond his choice that I am completely blown away by his arrogance in thinking he can demand this of you.

Yy, as someone ^^ said, if it was something along the lines if choosing a name then sure, he gets a say.

Did you express any milk before for him to feed your DCs? You could always suggest that to him. But give him a good boot up the arse first and tell him to stop being such a fuckwit.

HoopersGinger Wed 21-Aug-13 00:11:16

Tell him you will consider it but you have decided he should always sit down to piss. Rubbish analogy but best I could do inspired by Jux

I think that the decision to have another baby should be a far bigger decision that "only if we FF/BF" for both of you. I don't mean that you should give in to this demand, but I find it difficult to understand how the decision to have a child - who will be part of the rest of your lives - can hinge around something that will last a couple of years. How you feed your baby is a small part of such a big picture. Either you both want another child in that big picture or you don't.

SuffolkNWhat Wed 21-Aug-13 00:13:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 00:17:25

BS, yup

the game playing and threatening seems waaay out of place here

from both of them

shufflehopstep Wed 21-Aug-13 00:19:00

It is not his choice. As someone else said, when he carries a baby for nine months and then has his nether regions shot to bits giving birth - THEN he gets a choice. Sorry, OP, but what an idiot.

GangstersLoveToDance Wed 21-Aug-13 00:19:28

IF this was a father encouraging mum to bf when she was dead-set on ff, what would people say?

A few I can guess - 'It's his baby too, he's entitled to an opinion'. 'Have you heared him out?' 'Have you talked about this?'

All of those still apply here. If extended bf has significantly affected your relationship/your family dynamics/whatever in the past then he is bound to have an opinion. He is not entitled to demand that you ff - but that's not what this sounds like really. Reading between the lines, it seems that he is feeling put-out, based on past events.

Do NOT have another child before you - you know - talk to each other. It sounds like there is so much more going on here than a disagreement about feeding methods. Possibly some past resentment with previously pregnancies/child issues.

Bf is not 'important' to all mothers. Clearly, as some babies are ff from birth. Neither is is that 'important' to all fathers. This man is being demonised for that pov, whereas whenever a mother chooses to ff, it's all 'Oh hun, happy mum=happy baby. Do it your way' puke-worthy statements. Unfair much.

I can see that there may be scope for compromises around expressing and storing milk. But him demanding you FF just because he wants a few nights out - not on.

dinosaursarebisexual Wed 21-Aug-13 00:20:43

What a selfish twunt.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:22:59

For nights out read 'i want to have more sex so not have the baby be so dependent on you.' Yes breathe we both want one in the long run but IMO bf has longer laslasting effects than the first couple of years regarding health benefits and so is a big consideration for me. I'd rather spend more nights feeding a toddler and having an interrupted sex life than have nights up down the line with an ill child, potential financial issues due to extra days off etc.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:04

Tell him you will consider it if he does every single feed ever, apart from a few planned in advance ones which he will have to make allowances for. Which means he has to find a way to stay at home to do the feeds, and you get to take whichever job you like in or out of it. He does all the night feeds, he has to give absolute notice and leave the correct amount of feeds if he goes out or suddenly finds he wants to stay out longer than planned, sort out the bottles for the babysitter if you go on a night out, etc. Oh, and every time he misses a feed, he has to pour half of the feed that he missed down his top. And maybe put an elastic band on his balls to simulate engorgement.

It's only fair, you've done the other two, now it's his turn! What a lovely idea it was for him to suggest it wink

binhome Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:19

I would say the same gangsters. As pro breastfeeding as I am noone should feel pressurized into breastfeeding if they don't want to. I appreciate that does probably happen with healcare professionals who are worried about stats etc.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:22

men who want "their" breasts back ?

some women actually tolerate twunts like this ?

my flabber is gasted

Ham69 Wed 21-Aug-13 00:24:45

He is being VFU.
He comes across as very selfish and ignorant.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:25:16

AF: how am I game playing and threatening??

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 00:25:51

Yes Gangsters he's entitled to his opinion, and if extended breastfeeding has had a detrimental affect on their relationship they should discuss that, he's not however entitled though to dictate to the OP as to how she uses her own body. I'm shocked anyone would side with him on that.

The fact remains, it is her body and is up to her if she breastfeeds or not.

Make sense much?

ExcuseTypos Wed 21-Aug-13 00:26:17

Gangsters what a strange argument. In this case the OP has said she'll be the one doing all the feeding, so she should be able to choose how she does that feeding.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:27:26

Oh nice sad Formula doesn't always make them sleep, anyway. I'm pretty sure most babies have a negative effect on your sex life whether you feed them breastmilk,formula or valium (okay maybe they would sleep if you fed them valium, but I wouldn't suggest it grin) because of the hormonal effects, general exhaustingness of looking after 3 under 5, one or other of them going through sleep troubles at any one time.

Formula is NOT a magic sleep and sex pill. I'd also be unlikely to want more DC with him if he's so selfish.

SuffolkNWhat Wed 21-Aug-13 00:27:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:27:45

I like it Yoni, particularly the elastic band part wink

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 00:28:23

Holli, you are threatening not to have another child

I presume this was a mutual decision in the first place ?

in that case, simply tell him you will BF/FF on the basis of what suits you and baby

no further tit/tat to be countenanced

< forgive the bad pun >

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:28:45

Actually Gangsters I've seen threads on here where the dad has been for BF and the mother against and it has always gone the way of "Her body, her choice" aside from a tiny tiny minority of posters. Much like this thread, then...

MummyBeerest Wed 21-Aug-13 00:31:26

Um, what?

Maybe just get a puppy. Everyone can feed a puppy.

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 00:31:34

A woman dead set on ff and a partner pressurising her to breastfeed? That should also would warrant a firm 'fuck off' in his direction.

'I do not want you to breastfeed/I really insist that you breastfeed'. All sounds like much the same dictatorial cuntery to me.

AdoraBell Wed 21-Aug-13 00:32:30

I was once told about a man who was shipwrecked and other than him there was a baby, on an island somewhere. He managed to eat fruit but the baby was too young. So, out of desperation he held the baby to his nipple so that it would at least get some comfort, and him some peace. After a few days he produced milk and the baby survived.

I haven't verified what I was told, but I'd suggest it to your DH and tell him he has a choice once he has produced milk and consistently fed a baby.

Am I wrong to wonder why his first marriage didn't survive? <cynic>

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:32:31

...(and to continue the plan for him simulating breastfeeding) Every time the baby cries, you must hand it to him claiming "I think he must be hungry, he doesn't want me, he wants you!" and feign helplessness. Sleep with ear plugs in at all times and ensure to snore extra loudly and move across to the middle of the bed as soon as he gets up to see to the baby. Complain if he switches a light on at night because "I'm trying to sleep here!"

I'm sure we can think of more <evil> grin

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:33:19

He may say that extended breastfeeding has affected our relationship in that we don't have as much sex as he'd like. But then I have a friend who has also ebf her children and her dh got up with them if unsettled etc so they were not so dependent on her and happy to be put to sleep by him which doesn't happen in our house. However her dh probably gets about a tenth of the sex mine does!

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:35:48

Hmm. Let me guess, because you're not having it 3 times a day (with appetiser blowjobs in between) it's not as much as he would like?

Can I make a crude guess and say you probably have it somewhere between twice a week and once a fortnight, which is probably a lot more than many couples with young children.

<also idly beginning to ponder why first marriage did not work out>

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 00:36:49

This is about sex then ?

those "nights out" are a euphemism for him getting a shag ?

he sounds crapper and crapper

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:38:28

Af it's not just me saying no agreement to breastfeed = no baby. It's his arrogant attitude that his sexual gratification should come before what's best for our dc that I think needs to change before we consider having a third child.

Waffling Wed 21-Aug-13 00:40:08

You know kids can thrive without breastmilk, yes?

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 00:42:31

You are dripfeeding a bit, love

but yes, I agree with you

would you consider LTB ? < brightens >

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:43:18

Yoni he'd love that and seriously thinks it's (excuse the pun) doable once the kids are older/if dc3 is ff. We have it at least 3 times per week. He wants to sneak off while 2 yo is playing for a quickie but it does not appeal to me one little bit. Don't get me wrong, I like sex but don't like feeling I'm going to be mauled everytime baby/kids are occupied or asleep.

Lazyjaney Wed 21-Aug-13 00:44:42

There is Bf, and there is EBf. The former IMO is important for the child, the latter is more of a lifestyle choice.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:45:05

Sorry for dripfeeding. Was trying not to just post a rant.

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 00:45:12

Kids can thrive without breastmilk.

Wives can't thrive with selfish, bossy gits for husbands.

Lweji Wed 21-Aug-13 00:46:31

Aibu to stand my ground and say I will only have another dc if I can breastfeed?

What do you think will happen if you have another child?
Do you think you'll need his permission to bf?

Your decision to have another child or not should be irrespective of his want about feeding the baby.

Just tell him that you will bf any child that you have and if he doesn't want to cope with that, then he should decide not to make another child.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:47:00

Lazy - dc2 is only just 2 though and WHO guidelines are bf until at least 2 so technically just doing what's best...

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:47:49

Ick. When do these men think you're supposed to fit all of this mythical sex in? confused I wouldn't have time to do it three times in a day. I think my absolute record is four and that was when I hadn't seen DP for 3 months, we were totally childfree for 4 days and madly in the throes of ridiculous lust young lurve.

Does he think that he lives in some kind of porn movie?

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 00:47:49

it's ok holli, I understand better now and sorry for being a bit brusque

I don't like the sound of this man. Don't have another baby with him.

Waffling Wed 21-Aug-13 00:48:07

I agree squoosh

There's little more attractive than a man desperate for sex with an exhausted woman.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 00:50:16

I'm not bothered by dripfeeding (tend to do it myself accidentally although getting better at it now!) but it does tend to mean that once the thread has moved on from the original dilemma (which is usually a non issue) to the real dilemma (which is usually a thorny one) that you get a really confusing mish mash of posters offering advice on the original issue and those who are following the thread in more of the direction it has progressed.

5madthings Wed 21-Aug-13 00:50:18

arf at ebf being a lifestyle choice! it was most certainly what ds2 and ds3 needed. nothing about it was a lifestyle choice to them or me.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 21-Aug-13 00:50:40

When it comes to how a baby is fed no matter what the view point of the dad he does not get a choice or a say or any right to attempt to legislate to the mum.

NoComet Wed 21-Aug-13 00:56:38

YANBU and he'd be heading out the front door never mind the bedroom one.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 00:57:20

Waffling I'm not exhausted though. Because I cope and get everything done he sees spare time (ie 5 mins while 2 yo is engrossed in shape sorter) as potential sex time. Which is a massive turn off for me. The prospect of kids interrupting/walking in/unsupervised does not do it for me.

YoniBottsBumgina Wed 21-Aug-13 01:00:08

Jesus, while the kids are awake? sad Not cool. Sounds like he is totally obsessed - not meaning to be rude but do you not find that the sex obsession thing sort of eclipses his personality? I always find myself switching off these days if I come across a man who is clearly so focused on sex. It just makes them into such a boring one dimensional person. Sad really sad

Waffling Wed 21-Aug-13 01:00:54

I get you, exchange "exhausted " to "inappropriate". I bet if he paused with you and had a laugh and a cuddle it'd be way more attractive.

Either way, dude, don't have a baby with him until you know you can care for said baby by yourself.

Sunnysummer Wed 21-Aug-13 01:45:25

I'd be most concerned by whether he's really ready to have another child if nights out are so important.

Maybe he's really saying that he will miss you, when your attention is back on another baby? Or that he maybe felt a little helpless and would like to play a bigger role this time? Because if it's either of these, maybe you can discuss further to work out how you'd approach it (or whether you'll stick with your DCs for now).

Or maybe he really does just want to go on formula so you can both go drinking, in which case you might want to reconsider a whole lot more than just DC3.

GingerBlondecat Wed 21-Aug-13 02:08:55

Does he understand you are going to produce BM regardless?

It doesn't just turn off like a tap.

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) flowers

TheBleedinObvious Wed 21-Aug-13 05:06:27

Op I think it depends on a few factors.

How hands on is he with the 2 children you already have?

How hands on was he during their early days/first year, "despite" you breastfeeding?

Does he want more input into parenting the baby? Would he (and you) consider him taking some parental leave instead of you?

Yanbu to not have another child until you come to an agreement on this.

(His attitude to sex sounds very immature and unrealistic by btw)

TheBleedinObvious Wed 21-Aug-13 05:12:12

I was thinking, considering he knows how pro-bf you are, do you think he has said this because although he has said he wants another child he secretly doesn't?

By saying that you need to formula feed the next baby do you think he is hoping that you will decide against having a baby altogether? This way he doesn't need to be the one to say no to you.

How many children does he already have? Maybe he doesn't want any more. 4(?)+ children is a lot to support.

K8Middleton Wed 21-Aug-13 05:22:31

How many children does this man have?

I am hoping this is a wind up. If not I feel very sorry you are married to such a dickhead.

pebblepots Wed 21-Aug-13 05:54:25

Some more reasons why his argument doesn't carry practical weight. - ff isn't magically quicker than bf. I bf first then switched to ff, by necessity, so can compare how my dd was with both.

My dd still needed feeds every 2.5 hours, didn't magically sleep through, took her time so feeds could still take 40 mins. It also introduced the problems of wind, which bf didn't have.

As mentioned already, massive faff cleaning bottles, making feeds, cost of formula.

Also my dd was only happy taking a bottle from me, so despite trying many times, dh still couldn't feed her.

All this meant we didn't have many 'nights out' smile

raisah Wed 21-Aug-13 06:42:09

Idiot! Show him this thread so he can see whst we all think of him. Your body so your choice. He has no right to dictate how you feed your baby.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Wed 21-Aug-13 07:00:18

You really need a serious discussion about sex with him. He's basically saying he can't share you like this for another 4 years.

mynameismskane Wed 21-Aug-13 07:02:58

Sorry but he sounds like a total twat. Like you, Breastfeeding is very important to me and I would never ever not breastfeed my baby for such stupid reasons.

But it sounds like you have even bigger problems really if your dh thinks he should be able to say/dictate to you what to do about feeding ypur baby.

I don't like the sound of this bloke.

Desperate for sneaky sex while your 2 year old is playing nearby.

Trying to control how you feed a new baby so sex is more available to him.

Don't have another baby with him, he sounds horrible.

I wouldn't have another baby with this man tbh. I cannot believe what i am reading, it's just too shocking!!!

Fwiw i only managed to bf dd4 for a very short time but i do believe the choice of feeding should completely be down to the woman who is having the baby. For a man to tell you how to feed, and for those reasons to be completely selfish not health concerns is just flabbergastingly ridiculous.

He is selfish, entitled, childish, sex driven and a twat of the highest order and fgs you will have 3 children, why on earth does he think you will have the time or the babysitters for these continual nights outhmm

He sounds very much fixed in the past too, mentioning his ex and how she fed, what they did.... I would be very angry at this.

Retropear Wed 21-Aug-13 07:25:52

Hmmm lot of hysteria.

1) he does have a say
2) a ff baby(I have 3) does not mean nights with an ill baby and days off work hmm
3) there are loads of ideals re parenting,are you going to follow them all?I personally wouldn't like a partner who followed an unhealthy lifestyle and set a bad example with crap eating habits and little exercise as that would have a far bigger impact on long term health than a few months of ff but if I loved him......

Gives op the pat on the head she wanted.hmm

He shouldn't get a say reptr, but you are right re the hysteria over "baby being ill" from ff, that is a pile of crap!!

TramadolDaze Wed 21-Aug-13 07:29:10

pumpkin I cannot believe what i am reading, it's just too shocking!!!

Indeed. T'is quite incredible!

hermioneweasley Wed 21-Aug-13 07:30:14

Agree with YouStayClassy

His attitude has made me recoil. Eurgh.

He doesn't think he is being deprived of sex, really, does he?

3 times a week? With 2 small children?

Sorry but he is a fucking selfish twat.

Who the actual fuck is in the mood for a 5 minute quickie whilst the kids are playing? It's ridiculous and tbh it would be such a turn off for me, if my DH wanted sex every time the kids were looking the other way that he would actually be "deprived" of sex. For a long time.

The issue here is not how you feed the baby. It's about him being selfish and wanting sex on tap.
Maybe he needs to understand that if he was a decent, respectful partner then you might want to have sex with him?
Not while the kids are playing but YKWIM grin

TramadolDaze Wed 21-Aug-13 07:31:56

And here's what's puzzling me - since there are only two adults in the house and at least one of them will have to be feeding the hypothetical baby by whatever means they choose then that by it's very nature means that person will be unavailable for sex.
Changing to FF only ensures that the mother doesn't have to do every feed, not that the baby requires less feeding and therefore loads more time for having her bones jumped.

He is thinking with his penis, nothing more, nothing less.
He sounds like a right catchgrin

5 mins while kids are playing, just 5 mins how shit, that is a quickie too. Wonder what you get out of it op, obviously not what he would!
Tell him to go have a wank for gods sake, seriously the bloke needs therapy- 3 times a week is way more than enough for a mother of 2 small ones.

I suppose this is why he left his last gf, she gave up placating his 'need's' wants or got bored with the wham bam

RhondaJean Wed 21-Aug-13 07:38:57

I'm really hmm at a lot of this thread but like retro the one that's really got me is the highly hysterical "I don't want to formula feed because I don't want an ill child"

That's highly insulting you know, as well as inaccurate. There hasn't even been drip feeding on this thead you have changed your story from him wanting nights out and time together (and tbh I do feel sorry for men who end up with women who can't be separated from their babies for years)to him being a raging sex maniac which is not what you said at first.

I'd question why if he makes you feel so uncomfortable you actually even WANT to have another child with him, you have had nothing positive to say about him or his feelings, or is it just convenience because you want another child?

And absolutely yes he should get a say in how his child is raised. Those of you who say otherwise should be taking a long hard look at yourselves. If you expect men to be equal parents (which I do and which they should) then they have equal input.

Anyway I'm off to work before I overheat. Have a good day.

FamiliesShareGerms Wed 21-Aug-13 07:46:26

I think his reasoning is completely wrong.

Maybe he's trying to say (in a very cack handed way) that he wants to be more involved with the children (you are clearly very much the primary care giver, and maybe he feels excluded?). Or that he wants to spend time with you as an adult in your own right, not just as the mother of his children?

<thinking positive>

I am a little confused, though, about the going out thing. Does he think that even little babies can be left with a babysitter as long as they have a stack of formula? Or is it that you haven't gone out much without your two DC, although presumably even the 2yo has been able to be left with a babysitter for a little while by now?

Lazyjaney Wed 21-Aug-13 07:53:45

Agree with Retro - too much hysteria here

Of course the other parent has a say in how a baby is reared in a relationship, especially if it has a big impact on the rest of their lifestyle for an extended period, it's utter stupidity to think otherwise (assuming you actually want a relationship to last, which the MN LTB mob don't)

And FF won't kill a baby, in fact very, very few people Bf past 6 months and their kids are just fine. Not thinking another 3 years of Bf is required is hardly an unreasonable point of view to hold.

I think this thread is now less about the feeding and more about a man who is more concerned with a rampant sex life.

'Nights out' really means more sex for him, OP explained that upthread.

Figgygal Wed 21-Aug-13 08:02:57

Yanbu but I do agree with some other posters in that if it is his child he is entitled to an opinion but ultimately it is your choice as it would be if the situation was reversed and you had chosen FF and he was pushing BF.

sounds like you have more problems to resolve than just feeding he sounds like a sex pest if I were you I would feel horrendously harassed.

Can I just point out though that up thread you mentioned not wanting to take time off work because of an ill child due to it being FF and missing out on all of the health benefits of BF. my DS was FF from eight weeks and he has never been sick he is the most robust healthy child and I certainly don't think that just because someone is FF it means they're in for a lifetime of poor health

shewhowines Wed 21-Aug-13 08:11:16

Who actually wants this baby?

If it is him wanting another one, he is being totally unreasonable.

If it is the op wanting another baby and he doesn't really want one, he may see it as a compromise to say ok then, but I'd like to get our lives back on track a bit sooner. Then I don't think he is bu.

You could compromise on bf for a year. I can see how it would seem a bind, contemplating it for 3 years as your first dc did, and at least 2 for your second.

TempName365 Wed 21-Aug-13 08:11:24

If he wants to have sex when the two year old is playing for five mins, then it's not really the BF that's stopping that, is it? It's the fact that you don't want to. And the thing about sex is that, if one party doesn't want it, it shouldn't happen.

Which should be something he worked out a long time ago.

LittleBearPad Wed 21-Aug-13 08:14:24

You have far bigger issues to deal with than how you feed a hypothetical third child. He sounds like an idiot.

The illness thing re FF is crap.

bumbleymummy Wed 21-Aug-13 08:14:56

YANBU. You could express if you want a night out. Although I agree that with three children that will be a rare thing smile

MrsWembley Wed 21-Aug-13 08:28:12

Several of us have asked, and you haven't yet answered, how much input did/does he have with your two now?

Have you ever expressed so that he can do a feed? Have you ever explained to him that if he shared more in the day-to-day childcare then you might be more amenable to a quickie after they go down at night? Have you ever left them with him so that you can get a night out with friends.

All ways of making yourself more 'up for it'? If both of you are in the mood, surely he can see that as a benefit?

Ledkr Wed 21-Aug-13 08:29:36

Although I do think even the most pro-BFing man begins to wonder if they are ever going to get 'their' breasts back

Really? hmm
My breasts belong only to me I'm afraid

Lazyjaney Wed 21-Aug-13 08:43:49

And the thing about sex is that, if one party doesn't want it, it shouldn't happen

That doesnt work in the long-term if sex drives are mismatched.

Is this just a differential sex drive thread, with EBf used for a maximum moral high ground?

Ugh to men getting "their" breasts back.

I don't own my DHs penis, not would I want to.
Why would another person assume a part of their OH body belongs to them?

And fwiw I FF ds1. Me and DH did not have sex for 6 months because I was exhausted with 2 small children and work and a baby who could apparently survive on no sleep.

If DH would have suggested a night out or a 5 minute quickie I would have laughed in his face tbh.

FF babies are no different to bf babies. I would imagine a lot of newborns have no clue that they are supposed to go 4 hours between feeds and sleep through the night at 6 weeks old.
I don't see how you would be up for rampant sex or a night on the piss just because your baby has a bottle.

Famzilla Wed 21-Aug-13 08:47:01

What a self absorbed prick.

So he puts his wants for constant sexual gratification about the long term health of his own children?


Does he know the risks of formula feeding? Maybe you should give him a copy of "the politics of breastfeeding" for his birthday. If he reads that and is still trying to force you to FF when you can BF perfectly well, then I would LTB as he is clearly an idiot.

Famzilla Wed 21-Aug-13 08:47:40


thebody Wed 21-Aug-13 08:48:22

I think you would be making a big mistake to have another child with him.

Fakebook Wed 21-Aug-13 08:55:31

I can't believe men like this exist. Disgusting.

LittleBearPad Wed 21-Aug-13 09:01:15

Although I do think even the most pro-BFing man begins to wonder if they are ever going to get 'their' breasts back

Tell him to start eating more, he can develop his own grin

petalsandstars Wed 21-Aug-13 09:02:36

TMI but after having dc2 2 months ago I have no interest in sex. I am bf however it is more to do with the fact that I am doing the majority of care for both children and keeping on top of house stuff etc. My DH has asked when we will get back to it amd has been told not until the above changes re the childcare when he is home and house cleaning etc is not all done by me. I don't feel like it when I have to do everything else myself. I have also told him that if he doesn't buck his ideas up I will be considering to ltb.

If he said anything like what your DH has said he wouldn't be having sex for a very long time and I would be seriously considering my future and whether he would be in it. But actually I don't think he would say that.

Nanny0gg Wed 21-Aug-13 09:13:14

Does he know the risks of formula feeding?

Someone had to come out with that, didn't they? angry

Yep, every FFeeding parent is playing Russian Roulette with their baby aren't they?

The couple need to sort out their many apparent differences before they even think about having a third child.

Sanctimummy Wed 21-Aug-13 09:16:07

If you are willing and (so far) capable of breastfeeding, then your DH is being a selfish arse for wanting you to ff so he can have nights out. He really places his fun and entertainment above the health of his own child.

I wouldn't have another baby with a man with such skewed priorities.

This ^^

Cravingdairy Wed 21-Aug-13 09:17:53

I don't believe a father has the right to stop a mother from BFing if she wants to, TBH. It's not comparable with other parenting choices because it involves the mother's health and hormones.

With regard to' FF making a baby ill' I think the OP was trying to illustrate the health benefits of BF, I'm sure she didn't intend to offend. My wee one is BF and ill constantly! But it is very easy to comfort her when she is because BFing is very calming for her. Which is one of the reasons my husband is so in favour - it has made all our lives easier.

Coconutty Wed 21-Aug-13 09:19:30

Are you new to MN, OP?

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 09:23:19

OP, do you go along with having sex while your 2 yo is "occupied" with a shape-sorter ?

mynameismskane Wed 21-Aug-13 09:24:52

Ffs, why can't Famzilla say that there are risks with formula feeding without being attacked? Of course formula feeding is more risky as breastmilk is undoubtedly better for babies so why do people have such a problem with that?


It's an emotive issue and perhaps the statement Does he know the risks of formula feeding offends those who chose to ff.

BeauNatt Wed 21-Aug-13 09:36:14

Just on the tangent that the OP started - I don't think I'd have an orgasm from a 5 minute shag with my baby playing in the other room! Frequency of sex is no reflection of its quality (3x a week? *faints*)

Rooners Wed 21-Aug-13 09:38:48

What a complete prick. I am amazed you've stayed with him this long.

I agree with Figgygal and LittleBearPad.

I also have a very healthy FF child - it's one of those statistical things where perhaps 1/1000 (warning - this is a made up number) FF children are more prone to illness as a result of being FF.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 10:00:04

The issue here really isn't the relative benefits of FF/BF

ToysRLuv Wed 21-Aug-13 10:07:15

Yes, have more children (triplets, anyone?). That will make everything better. It will also will give DH a raised level of challenge: Have sex in 3 mins when all those children are otherwise occupied!

Nanny0gg Wed 21-Aug-13 10:08:43

The issue here really isn't the relative benefits of FF/BF

Of course it isn't, but it's difficult to not challenge some statements that could have a bearing on the central argument.

Rooners Wed 21-Aug-13 10:12:07

I think there is acknowledgment that FF children statistically suffer more illness - or is that a myth?

HooverFairy Wed 21-Aug-13 10:12:57

Oh I think your problems are way bigger than DH pressurising you to ff, I think this is probably one of the most irritating threads I've read in a long time hamwidges aside. First of all, your DH is being a needy, pathetic excuse for a man; secondly, he needs to realise that ff will not be a 'quick fix' to make a baby sleep through and give you time for doing all the things you would normally do at the times you want to do them as if you didn't have children to consider. He needs to do some reading and research into what having children is actually like, the fact that you already have children and he still thunks this way suggests that has had very little input: for this reason alone I would not choose to have another child with him.

And finally, what on earth are you basing your thinking on?! You ask for advice and then proceed to slate the choices of other women; children who are formula fed are not being poisoned with every feed, as you seem to be implying. Be very careful with your judgements, you may find that the bf/ff choice is taken out of your hands completely, then how would you handle it? In choosing to ff your child you don't then make allowances for having days off work because you expect your child to be ill. I'm not for one second saying that bf is not best, but this should be about the benefits of bf, not the horrifying, ill effects of ff. This is not the crux of your situation, you seem to think that DH is suggestinpoahf ting your child's health in danger as to allow more time for sex. Your situation is actually that you don't allow time for each other; this has nothing to do with how you feed your child.

FWIW, you DH should have a say in how his children are raised and I don't think anyone should be disputing this. Perhaps he feels you and he no longer have any time for each other and this is his miguided way of trying to rectify it? He just needs educating in how time consuming ff is, rather than being told he has no right to comment at all.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 10:15:03

I think the Op would benefit more from a discussion about what is/isn't reasonable behaviour around sexual demands and having sex around children

I expect that's a difficult area though, easier to fudge the issue and keep on talking about FF/BF I suppose

That's my take on it, and probably an unpopular one, especially with the OP is she is still around.

Op, do you have sex while your 2yo is around ?

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 10:15:28

if she is still around

sparklingstars Wed 21-Aug-13 10:21:43

Sorry to go against the tide here, and against my feelings since I am very pro b/f. I do think that he has some right to discuss how his child is fed - it isn't just your hypothetical child, it's his as well. I'd say it was wrong if he was insisting that you b/f but I think you should be open to discussing it with him at least.

differentnameforthis Wed 21-Aug-13 10:24:01

I'd rather spend more nights feeding a toddler and having an interrupted sex life than have nights up down the line with an ill child, potential financial issues due to extra days off etc.

Do what you like, but stop kidding yourself that breastfeeding is somehow better than formula feeding. Your posts come across as very anti formula feeding. I don't know if you mean them to be, but they are.

My eldest was ff & youngest bf. Neither one is more healthy than the other, and neither one costs me more financially!

Peacocklady Wed 21-Aug-13 10:25:07

It sounds like you want another and he's agreed to it but only if you ff? Why would he want another if he already feels he doesn't have enough of your attention?

Peacocklady Wed 21-Aug-13 10:29:31

My DSIS was bf till age 3 and is diabetic, onset aged 8 and asthmatic. She bf both her kids and her eldest had eczema and asthma, has had nights in hospital to help her breathe and has allergies. It really isn't the be all and end all.

Peacocklady Wed 21-Aug-13 10:30:30

*eldest HAS asthma etc.

Molinko Wed 21-Aug-13 10:45:47

While I do think the OP's DH sounds a bit deluded re BF, my honest opinion is that if you as a couple don't have enough time together then perhaps a having a 3rd child is not such a great idea. Why not wait until you littlest has stopped BF, and then decide?

<bangs head on table>

It's not about the pros/cons of bf v ff..

This man wants bottle feeding because he thinks he'll have sex with his wife more frequently .

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 10:51:48

Sorry if I offended re the illness comment, really didn't mean to. My only experience of ff children are his two who are constantly ill. It would be me taking days off if toddler/child is ill so would prefer to be bf as comforting/nutrition/sleep is easier for them then in myeexperience. I don't think formula is evil, it just seems silly that if I can and wish to bf to then spend lots of money on formula which could be made use of elsewhere.
He wasn't particularly useful with baby dc, very much a hand them back if they cry because they must want feeding situation. I did express so he could feed but he said at the time the sterilising etc was too long winded and he'd rather I just fed baby than them get upset...! When I met him his dc were 2 and 3, they had bottles and dummies to bed til 4 when they switched to tv in bed, baby bottles of milkshake and crisps in bed - whatever kept them out of the way basically. I don't want that for my children.
No, I don't have sex with the two year old around. Napping maybe but I don't like the thought that it must be a given that baby asleep = we must have sex. He thinks bf makes children clingier as his children didn't care who cared for them etc whereas my children want me.

Nanny0gg Wed 21-Aug-13 10:55:46

Of course they want you if he hands them back at every opportunity!

You have other issues than feeding to discuss...

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 10:55:57

Thank you for answering my question.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 10:57:20

I Di agree with him that we don't have enough time together btw by IMO that wouldn't be the case if he'd helped more with dc when younger as both want me to do everything for them. If he'd settled 2 year old after a feed then he could put her to bed instead of it always being me and she might have settled better. His other option is to wait to have dc3 so we can have more time together first but that'll affect my career and I don't want such a big age gap. He definitely isn't making excuses, he brings up wanting dc3 much more than me.

K8Middleton Wed 21-Aug-13 11:02:05

Does he work because where on earth do you find the time?

<ignores ff/bf nonsense because it's just unhelpful>

Well, yes it's all well and good wanting a third child, if you don't have to actually do any of the work, I'm sure that would be lovely for him.
Maybe not so much for you though.

Why doesnt he start settling the DCs, doing bath time and bed time? If he wants a third child so much, maybe he should start proving that he is an adequate parent first, rather than worrying about sex and nights out and how the baby will be fed?

JosiePosiePuddingAndPie Wed 21-Aug-13 11:11:52

Maybe this is just his way of saying he feels your relationship needs some work. There is a lot of histericalness up thread but if you replace bf with golf then people would say, well maybe you do need to spend some more time with him and work on your relationship more. I know bf is not a hobby, but it helps think about his reasoning without getting into the whole bastard doesn't want me to bf our child debate, which isn't really the problem. Has he actually said this is about more sex or is that just what you are assuming? Maybe he just wants some of your attention and to spend some time as a couple and the way he has identified to do that is by cutting the time it takes to feed any new baby. I think you should talk to him about it and get at his reasoning before letting a bunch of strangers on the net wind you up into a LTB fury? After all lots of us are not good at expressing our feelings to our partners, me included.

jammiedonut Wed 21-Aug-13 11:12:51

This might not be a popular opinion, but extended breastfeeding is obviously having an effect on the OP and her DH relationship. In my opinion she is being unreasonable to consider having another child at all when their relationship is as dysfunctional as it sounds!
I mix feed my son. DH gets to give expressed bottles of breastmilk, and so do relatives if we need time alone. We both enjoy each others company, desire each other and make time for each other around taking care of our son.
The real issue isn't bf or ff, although theOP may want to reconsider making such sweeping judgements and generalisations on either. The issue is considering having another child with a man when you can't agree on something as important as this.
Out of interest, did you discuss extended breastfeeding with him? I'm not saying he should have had a say, but when we were ttc dh and I sat down and discussed what my plans and hopes were for breastfeeding. He knew from the start that I was prepared to bf up to two years, but that I was happy to express so he could be involved. After 2 children do you think that rather than not wanting to help with the children, you have inadvertently pushed him away?

Famzilla Wed 21-Aug-13 11:15:52

There are risks to formula feeding and I'm not gonna hold my tongue incase it may offend someone. No it's not poison and will do a great job in keeping your baby alive but if you could easily give your baby something amazing, tailor made just for their bodies (like the OP can) why wouldn't you? I appreciate a lot of women cannot or will not BF but this thread isn't about that.

Just like there are risks In co sleeping, not co sleeping, early weaning, disposable nappies, drop side cots, having pets and so on. It's ok to discuss this stuff you know.

Anyways this thread isn't really about a controlling man stopping his DW from giving their kids the best possible start, it seems to be a lot more sordid than that so I'm bowing out.

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 11:18:19


This thread is not about the which is the most beneficial way to feed your child.

thebody Wed 21-Aug-13 11:18:34

goady thread in my opinion posed to ignite the even more boring Bf v ff. massive massive yawn.

PrincessYoni Wed 21-Aug-13 11:23:19

I understand when people choose to FF.

I understand when people cannot BF.

I understand where, despite trying, BF is so difficult/painful etc that FF is a good alternative option.

I get that as long as you are nourishing your baby then thats important, not the method of delivery.

But when a mother is perfectly able and willing and so is the baby then absolutely BF is the best way to go. Ignoring the costs etc, I am astounded that your DH would allow for his 2 older children with you to be BF but then potentially disadvantage healthwise the next through a lifstyle choice confused. It really saddens me.

disclaimer- I never would have felt like this before I had DD but, oddly, having her has made me quite evangelical about bfing. I even went through a phase of reading up loads on bfing such was my enthusiasm blush.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 21-Aug-13 11:23:31

It's perfectly possible to have a happy, content marriage, with a happy sex life and small children and EBFing. Just not when you are married to an utter arsehole.

Do not have another baby with this man.

K8Middleton Wed 21-Aug-13 11:24:18

Exactly thebody. With a bit of sexual titillation thrown in.

Lazyjaney Wed 21-Aug-13 11:24:33

The issue here really isn't the relative benefits of FF/BF

Having to sign up for continuous Bf for 8 years is pretty extreme, and is clearly not the way the vast majority of parents bring up their kids in the UK so IMO the other parent in this case has every right to argue it is unnecessary for their 3rd child, especially if it is negatively impacting other parts of the relationship.

If it is a smokescreen for sex drive differences then it needs to be blown away as it were...

I do think this is a "wind up MN and let them kick off" thread though...

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 11:26:02

I tend not to listen to evangelicals.

PrincessYoni Wed 21-Aug-13 11:35:32

Good job you're reading and not listening then isn't it squoosh ?!wink

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 11:38:33

Goodness, what a very literal person you are. That must make life tough for you.

wink wink

I think what annoys me about this debate is that is not actual necessary to understand why people FF.
They just do, thats it. Clearly they have decided to do this, I did with ds1

I dont ask people to understand why because I do not need to explain why.

Different people choose different things, you dont have to explain, justify or understand.

Because surely, even if you do not understand why someone FF, ite irelevant. Because they are still doing it

JosiePosiePuddingAndPie Wed 21-Aug-13 12:01:58

TBH if the OP wanted some constructive advice posting on AIBU wasn't the best of ideas...maybe a post in relationships would have been more constructive and less ranty?

PrincessYoni Wed 21-Aug-13 12:05:16

grin squoosh I am not really, I was just pleased with myself for coming up with a reply reasonably quickly (I am normally the type to think of it 24 hours later when the moment has passed).

Sorry for diverting OP!

squoosh Wed 21-Aug-13 12:08:36

Fair enough, nothing more annoying than sitting bolt upright in bed 10 hours later with 'I know what I should have said to that cheeky cow'!


differentnameforthis Wed 21-Aug-13 12:09:01

It's not about the pros/cons of bf v ff..

I believe people are reacting to the out dated ideas that the op holds towards ff, which we are entitled to do.

differentnameforthis Wed 21-Aug-13 12:16:20

goady thread in my opinion posed to ignite the even more boring Bf v ff. massive massive yawn.

Absolutely agree...especially as the op has now posted re comfort/nutrition/sleep, and

He thinks bf makes children clingier as his children didn't care who cared for them etc whereas my children want me

Both my children want me, the bf one & the ff one. It had nothing to do with what they ate, it was about who nurtured & comforted them.

Sounds to me more like op is worried that if she ff, her dc will want their father & not her & that she will be obliged to feed them crisps & coke in bed!

My kids eat very well, good nutrition isn't only about what type of milk they get as babies.

Fillyjonk75 Wed 21-Aug-13 12:16:52

I think it depends very much the way he said it. Suggesting formula feeding might be easier all round is ok. INSISTING on formula feeding isn't on, as INSISTING on breast feeding isn't on either. It could be that he just wants to be more involved and make things easier for the OP and everyone all round. I don't think that is selfish, it's sensible.

I found formula feeding easier with DD2, after 3 months. I had fed DD1 myself for 7.5 months.

Also, it's best to be open minded, OP. You don't know whether you will actually be able to breastfeed this baby.

parkin2010 Wed 21-Aug-13 12:17:00

I think he might have a point........... sorry but everyone I know breastfeeding doesn't go out and all they talk about is babies, boobs and feeding. Doesn't bode well for an exciting relationship to me. Sorry to anyone who gets that balance right and can, I am sure there are plenty of people, just my experience.

hettienne Wed 21-Aug-13 12:17:14

The OP doesn't hold outdated views about formula. We all know the risks/benefits of different feeding methods though so that isn't really the issue here.

The DH wants a 3rd baby but doesn't want it to interfere with his sex/social life too much (but also is unlikely to do much childcare). The OP is quite right to say she doesn't want to make a sacrifice in the baby's health just for this reason.

Sounds like they are both better off not having another child tbh.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Wed 21-Aug-13 12:17:57

TBH I think you two have much bigger issues than this

It all just sounds a bit wrong to be sticking your tongue out and saying "No boob, no Kid" and he sounds even wronger to want you to FF so you can have sex ore often.

Its a child, not a bargaining tool hmm

(and I have to say, you need to get the idea out of your head that BF is a magical tonic for illness free first years - I made that mistake and have been bitterly disappointed ever since and sometimes do wonder why TF I bothered!!)

differentnameforthis Wed 21-Aug-13 12:19:44

The OP doesn't hold outdated views about formula

I disagree...when she says that it affects comfort/sleep ... that is out dated.

Fillyjonk75 Wed 21-Aug-13 12:20:44

Is it only dads who want a sex life and a night out once in a while?

Bugger me sideways if I was going to forgo that for any period whatsoever. BF doesn't mean an end to either of course. The mental health of the parent and the relationship, and the family as a whole are just as important as how you feed the child. It's a balance to be struck. Absolutes are never good.

Ugh he's horrible. Don't have another baby with him ever.

DumSpiroSpero Wed 21-Aug-13 13:15:54

I'd rather spend more nights feeding a toddler and having an interrupted sex life than have nights up down the line with an ill child, potential financial issues due to extra days off etc.

I think that's a very 'gold plated' view of BF tbh. Of course it has it's advantages but there is no guarantee that doing so will armour-plate your DC against all future lurgies!

That said I absolutely agree that it is not up to your DH to dictate this condition to you. I'm all for parents making joint decisions but feeding should be your call alone.

If the DH said he'd rather the OP breastfed because he had concerns about the welfare of child or mother then I'd react differently.
However he is thinking of his cock. Therefore he is a cock.

Being a parent means life changes. You make sacrifices and make room for a child in your life, you do not try and merrily continue as life did before. Otherwise why on earth have children?

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 14:53:09

I was always open that I wanted to bf for at least a year and never put an upper limit on it as it was quite abstract when pregnant as I didn't even know if I'd be able to breastfeed. I'm open to stopping at one but that's dependent on him helping out IMO - I'm not willing to do all feeds til one then stop leaving baby upset. I'd want him to do some bedtimes from the offset so baby didn't get used to feeding to sleep but I highly doubt he'd do that.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 14:54:37

Oh and yes, he has actually literally said that the only thing that puts him off having another baby/that baby breastfeeding is the temporary reduction in our sex life.

stopprocrastinating Wed 21-Aug-13 15:02:52

DH said something similar, as he thought a formula fed baby would sleep through easier, and it'd be easier to go out without baby. His sisters formula fed and used dummies, and apparently their babies were easier. I wouldn't agree to either. I compromise on lots but not this.

stopprocrastinating Wed 21-Aug-13 15:03:56

I love breastfeeding by the way. Couldn't do things any different.

Hollibaloo Wed 21-Aug-13 15:16:17

Yes every other couple we know ff and their babies slept through early on etc. Plus he thinks bf causes clinginess from 2 yo and vice versa from me to her but regardless of feeding method I just am not interested in leaving the kids to go out with his idiot friends and get drunk then feel crap and waste the following day. I think I'm getting old and boring confused

ToysRLuv Wed 21-Aug-13 15:36:21

Your DH sounds like pretty a shit father (as well as husband). Why did you have children with him in the first place? It sounds like he sees them just as an evidence of his potency and fertility.

ToysRLuv Wed 21-Aug-13 15:41:46

BTW, DS (3) was FFd (won't go into that, other than to say I've got 3 degrees and am 33, so not uneducated or young when I had him - neither did either fact protect me from fairly severe feeding problems, infant reflux and PND), and had a dummy, yet still only slept through at 3 years old. Nothing to do with feeding, that.

Jan49 Wed 21-Aug-13 15:44:28

I don't understand why he wants a fifth child when he doesn't seem to want to look after any of them. And why do you want a third child with a man who doesn't do his share of childcare?confused You sound like a single parent with a man who lives there just to have sex with you.

Why can't you compromise and set a time limit on how long you breastfeed for? Involve him in feeding the baby himself by expressing (he may actually feel left out as well). Arrange regular nights out together, leaving a babysitter with a bottle of expressed milk. Having a baby does not mean that you have NO social life at all (after a few months anyway)

Lweji Wed 21-Aug-13 15:52:02

I don't understand why he wants a fifth child when he doesn't seem to want to look after any of them. And why do you want a third child with a man who doesn't do his share of childcare? You sound like a single parent with a man who lives there just to have sex with you.

This ^

LittleBearPad Wed 21-Aug-13 15:53:30

This is not about breastfeeding - this is about your relationship with your husband who it would appear is a crap father to his existing four children and not a particularly good husband.

You are not old and boring

You are a responsible parent of young children and if you would rather stay home and relax, or catch up on sleep rather than going out on the piss and feeling awful the next day and having to deal with a baby and a hangover, that's is ok.

He clearly has never had to think about things like that.

FWIW ds1 was FF, didnt sleep through the night til he was 19 months so FF doesn't actually make them sleep.

But, at the end of the day, all he is worried about is sex isn't it? I mean, if you told him you could 100% gaurantee that by BF then a baby would sleep all night then he would be just as happy to go along with that.

He isn't thinking about you in all of this, he's thinking about what will cause the least hassle for him.

jellybeans Wed 21-Aug-13 16:07:26

YANBU. How selfish, the babies needs should come first and bf is almost always best for baby... (Not having a go at ff, I ff some of mine after only a week or so)

I don't get these selfish men who put their own needs first. I knew of a man who didn't want his DW to bf because, 'why should she get to do all the feeds' and he wanted his mother to be able to feed the baby...

mynameismskane Wed 21-Aug-13 16:32:50

Well, I would say that if people who ff are offended by the true statement that there are more risks with formula feeding, then that is their issue. Why should the facts - that Breastfeeding is best - be hidden away for fear of offence?

VileWoman Wed 21-Aug-13 17:29:28

As I was the one who posted the comment about men wanting 'their' breasts back I think I should defend DH's good father and husband credentials since it is his birthday and say that comment was my clumsy expression rather than a true reflection of his viewpoint. I completely lose all interest in sex while BFing so he is a lot more starved of sex than the OPs!

Lazyjaney Wed 21-Aug-13 17:33:25

Why should the facts - that Breastfeeding is best - be hidden away for fear of offence

Or maybe not - WHO gets honest, no discernible differences

It's also not unreasonable to ask why a new baby needs 2+ years of EBf when the vast majority of UK children are brought up largely on FF very successfully, and it is definitely less intrusive on the rest of the family interactions. I agree though that Ff goes hand in hand with fatherly input.

But this isn't really about EBf, the OP is using it as a screen for deeper relationship issues.

I think the whole problem here, is your dh and in your situation i would not even consider having another dc with things the way they are.

ipswichwitch Wed 21-Aug-13 18:02:00

Thing is, it's not really a matter of whether you bf or ff, your DH wants his life to be like it was before kids and responsibility - going out drinking whenever and sex on tap, which isn't really compatible with family life with 3 young DC.
He is not willing to help out more and change his behaviour, which actually (ironically) lead to you being more "in the mood" than if you're flat out looking after 3 DC alone. E wants you to change to suit him.
Also, seems to me the fact his kids from precious marriage are used to being plonked in front of the tv and left with whoever, is probably the reason they are less clingy and therefore bugger all to do with ff/bf.

ipswichwitch Wed 21-Aug-13 18:03:35

Should say MAY lead you.

mynameismskane Wed 21-Aug-13 18:30:10

I exclusively bf'd both mine for two years and three years the second (they self weaned) and I am glad I did to give them the benefits of breastmilk and it helped through things like teething, colds, etc not to mention the other numerous benefits of breastmilk. You say why would you but why not when it is so good for babies/toddlers. I will never fail to be shocked by the deliberate ignorance of some people when it comes to breastmilk. It is such a shame that society here overlooks and undervalues the importance of breastmilk.

Squitten Wed 21-Aug-13 18:33:17

"I did express so he could feed but he said at the time the sterilising etc was too long winded and he'd rather I just fed baby than them get upset...!"

Well he's going to be REALLY handy if you FF then, isn't he?!

Your issue is not with feeding. Your issue is that your DH is a twat. I'm assuming he must have some wonderful character traits hidden away under all this BS for you to bother procreating with him in the first place...

expatinscotland Wed 21-Aug-13 18:37:21

I'll never understand people who get together with such twunty folks, much less procreate with them. Why? Not even for the best shag in the world.

FunLovinBunster Wed 21-Aug-13 18:41:16

I wouldn't be planning to have a baby with this man, OP.
The only thing I would be planning is how quickly I could leave this prick.

appletarts Wed 21-Aug-13 18:45:44

I couldn't even stay married to someone so infantile and in competition with his unborn baby. Prick!

Fillyjonk75 Thu 22-Aug-13 17:50:47

I don't know how people are reading so much into what the OP has said about her partner. I'd like to hear his side. People just read stuff and make assumptions based on their own experiences, not on the actual facts, IMO. I do find it weird.

Filly but he's not here to tell us his version, is he?

You can only comment on what is written by the OP, same as every single thread on MN.

PM OP and tell her you want his version of events on MN so you can give a valid answer to her AIBU , yes that would work wouldn't it hmm

valiumredhead Thu 22-Aug-13 18:59:23

I wouldn't want a baby with such a twat of a man so problem sorted.

pippitysqueakity Thu 22-Aug-13 20:40:24

wot valium said

Jux Thu 22-Aug-13 21:43:07

DD was ff (necessity, not my choice nor dh's) and didn't sleep through until over a year old. She is one of the least sickly children I have come across too. 14yo now.

However, OP, this is not actually relevant to you, is it? Your problem is far worse. Your h is an arse. I predict that when you do go back to work, you will find you will still be doing everything at home, as your h works, doncha know?

OhDearNigel Thu 22-Aug-13 23:45:09

Well. Every time i am pissed off with Dh all i have to do is come on MN and realise that women round the country are lumbered with complete nobs and Dh doesn't seem half as bad

But he has already ff babies, he did that in his previous marriage, so what is he complaining about?

Maybe he can ff the babies he gets with his third wife..

Quickquidqueen Fri 23-Aug-13 21:02:54

OhDearNigel grin

OP, why does he want another child? Really, why?

This man has sired four children already. (Can't quite bring myself to say 'fathered', as he appears to not actually want to do any fathering.) The ONLY motivation that fits with the behaviour/pronouncements described by you would be the 'look at me and all the fruits of my loins, I'm soooo virile' kind of thing. Which is about as attractive as his seeing "spare time (ie 5 mins while 2 yo is engrossed in shape sorter) as potential sex time". Hence your comment that you "like sex but don't like feeling I'm going to be mauled everytime baby/kids are occupied or asleep.".

And why do you want to have another child by this arse man?

MyNameIsRio Sat 24-Aug-13 18:08:22

Is it because he especially wants a boy/girl ?

Hollibaloo Sat 24-Aug-13 21:46:05

I don't understand how that'd be relevant Rio...?

MyNameIsRio Sat 24-Aug-13 22:16:48

Does he want another child so much because he especially wants one of s particular sex.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now