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WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

(191 Posts)
SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 14:19:11

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. sad

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. sad

I'd stay out of it tbh. It might be worth showing them to HIM though. It might be nothing, it might look more than it is, it might be a full blown affair, or a drunken moment. You really can't tell that much from a photo, but it might give him pause for thought, if he knows that they are on fb.

DfanjoUnchained Tue 20-Aug-13 14:24:43

I would tell her. Poor woman

BuskersCat Tue 20-Aug-13 14:24:57

I'd save the photos before she takes them down. Then message him saying you have the photos and if he doesn't tell her that you will. I'm sorry you've been put in this position

QueenofallIsee Tue 20-Aug-13 14:25:30

I would tell my friend - I know that any of my friends would want to know and I would too in her place.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 14:28:05

Thank you for advice. My instinct is if I were her I'd want to know but I accept that if I do tell her, it might be at the expense of our friendship if she decides to 'shoot the messenger'.

I'm not friends with him on FB, can I still send him a message or will it depend on his settings?

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Tue 20-Aug-13 14:30:16

I think that you would be best to get copies of the photos - save them from Facebook. Also, get screenshots of them with the date on whilst you think things through.

Him being so blatant about it - in an open social circle which from the sounds of it has potential acquaintances, with his wedding ring on, is interesting. It might be drunken messing around, or an affair - either way if I was her I would want to know - especially if those photos were on a social media network.

Depending on how well you know him - go through him. Or, maybe it's best she knows before he has the chance to cover anything. Only you know them well-enough.

kali110 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:33:58

Id want to know

I'd want to know my ex was cheating on me and all my so called friends knew and not one of them told me, utterly humiliating when I found out.

DfanjoUnchained Tue 20-Aug-13 14:38:51

Why would she shoot the messenger if you have complete evidence though? At usually only happens with hearsay/no concrete proof.

If it were my H, I would want to know

meditrina Tue 20-Aug-13 14:43:12

The pictures were taken in front of many people in a public place, and posted online to a wide readership.

It's just a matter of time before his DW knows, isn't it? Or perhaps she already does? I think I'd start by trying to ascertain if they have split up and (as not that close a friend) I'd missed it. And one way to do that would be via him - a message saying that you'd seen those pix and had not realised he was with someone else now, and ask if he would fill you in on what happened.

Yonionekanobe Tue 20-Aug-13 14:48:03

You poor thing. What a position to be in. I'm assuming there are no mutual friends who may be closer to her that you could confide in?

Maybe83 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:48:53

I would screen shot the photos down load them and send them to her via email and say I'm sorry these just appeared on my new s feed...thought you should know. If you need any thing let me know.

I wouldn't contact him at all.,.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 20-Aug-13 14:52:38

I would want to know and I would be highly fucked off if a friend knew and did not tell me.

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 14:54:58

I would stay completely out of it.

you say she isn't a close friend, have you got a mutual friend who is closers To her than you who could broach it with her.

it's a photo, not excusing it at all but it could have been one drunk nights kiss, 3 photos all taken one after the other.

they were in company so not hiding or on a date.

please think carefully before you potentially devastate a marriage.

mynewpassion Tue 20-Aug-13 14:59:22

Show her the pics and let her ask him.

meditrina Tue 20-Aug-13 15:00:21

OP isn't the one devastating the marriage. It's the H who snogs another woman in a public place who is doing that.

GetStuffezd Tue 20-Aug-13 15:01:58

I've been the mugging who was being cheated on. My friends all knew and decided not to tell me as I'd be devastated. I was more gutted that they had denied me this information. I would tell her.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:04:23

I have managed to save the photos to the camera roll on my phone while I decide what to do.

Meditrina I thought that might be possible, but the night out was last Friday and in the meantime over the weekend my friend has been posting about doing stuff to the house and mentions her DH, so I really don't think they've split up.

Thanks everyone and thanks for your kind words, Yonionekanobe. I know this is far from being "all about me" but I'm really shaken by it. I wish I could unsee the photos. We don't really have any mutual friends, she didn't keep in touch with many people in her own right when she left the previous company and I don't really know any of her other friends. I see people who regularly comment on her status updates and photos who I imagine are good friends or whose names I recognise from our own chats / emails, but I don't actually know them.

Dfanjo I just meant that you hear about people who find it easier to blame the person who told them bad news rather than the actual guilty party. Possibly a reaction to having their blissful ignorance shattered. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether she would react like that or even whether there is any blissful ignorance to be shattered.

SaucyJack Tue 20-Aug-13 15:04:59

I would email them to her with a supportive message.

She has more right than you to see them IMO.

SaucyJack Tue 20-Aug-13 15:06:29

Even if she did choose to 'blame the messenger', a true friend would still risk telling her in the first place.

Not a nice position to be in I'm sure tho.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:09:04

I would definitely email her. Poor woman... She has a right to know.

As you aren't friends with the "D" H any message f yours to him would go straight into his "Other" folder and lie there unseen for literally months!!

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:25

Sorry, some X-posts there.

The consensus seems to be to let my friend know, and I think you're right. I know I would want to know if it were me.

Do you think it would be best to just send her the photos with the supportive message and risk her opening the photos before she reads the message , or send a sort of 'warning' message first to prepare her for bad news then follow up with the photos?

BalloonSlayer Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:31

My life would have been very different (better!) if someone had had the guts to tell me my ex was cheating. I STILL don't know for sure, I can only put two and two together from what eventually happened.

I would say something.

I would email or phone and say that there is something on Facebook that does not show her DH in a good light. If she asks what I would say they are compromising photos of him with a woman, that I can save them for her if she wants to see them. That way she is prepared before she actually sees them.

Auntfini Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:51

Even if it's the end of your friendship I think you should tell her. You won;t be the only person (obviously) who knows, so it's not just that he's cheating, but the thought that everyone else just knew and silly wifey is at home writing happy updates on fb. That's how I would feel. I would much prefer to know and if you lose the friendship, so be it. It's not like you're telling her because you want to hurt her, but she deserves to know.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:10:54

thebody I think he's the one who's devastated the marriage, don't you? hmm

ProphetOfDoom Tue 20-Aug-13 15:12:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:12:16

Actually scrub that thought, a 'warning' message is a crap idea as if I didn't see her response to that straight away, it could be a little while before I followed up with the photos and I know if I were her I'd be chewed up in knots expecting some gory full-frontal in flagrante pics in the meantime. Crueller to drag it out, I think.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:12:50

Don't like the warning idea, I would just send it and be very supportive in your message, the warning would be like making a huge drama out of it, or at least more o a drama than it needs to be, which I don't think is fair on your friend.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:14:04

We are on the same wavelength OP! wink

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:14:57

X-posts BalloonSlayer. You articulated what I was thinking better than I did, and maybe it's not so crap to do it that way.

Schmaltz I don't work with any of these people any more, so no comeback on me professionally.

Auntfini That's how I feel too, how stupid I'd feel if I found out any everyone else knew already. sad

Stupid man. Why couldn't he keep his hands and his mouth (at best) to himself?

CleverWittyUsername Tue 20-Aug-13 15:15:23

I definitely wouldn't communicate with him at all, screenshot and save pics, is there a way of seeing her face to face to discuss before showing her the pics? I imagine in an email it could be really horrible and a massive shock and/or end up in crossed wires.

MildDrPepperAddiction Tue 20-Aug-13 15:15:48

Get screen shots, show your friend, have tissues with you. If I were her I would want to know.

WandaDoff Tue 20-Aug-13 15:17:33

I'd tag him in the photo, or comment on it, that should be enough to make the pictures show up in her news feed.

Though perhaps a warning first might be kindest.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 15:20:24

Unfortunately I moved away to take this job and now live about 200 miles from her which is why we usually communicate by email and through FB. I see her maybe 2-3 times a year in person when I'm back in the area (I still have close family there so go back every couple of months or so, but don't necessarily see her every time). I don't have another trip planned until the end of September.

mirai you're right. No warning.

Aaarrrrggggghhhhhhhh! I can't think straight. Imagine how she will feel if there is more to it than a silly drunken snog. Oh my poor friend. sad

biscuitsandcheese Tue 20-Aug-13 15:27:17

Could you ring her before you send the pictures? Then she will have a little warning.

SideshoBob Tue 20-Aug-13 15:27:33

I doubt she'd be upset with you permanently, at first maybe due to the shock of it, but with picture proof its hardly like its conjecture. She'd eventually see that you were trying to be a good friend.

If you don't want to do that, I guess you could send the pictures anonymously through email.

CleverWittyUsername Tue 20-Aug-13 15:29:53

It's awful but then you'll have to go for the email thing. It's better that she knows than doesn't.

bobbywash Tue 20-Aug-13 15:30:58

I think I would stay out of it. It's in a public place with lots of other co-workers, he's not being particularly discrete (well discrete at all in fact). At the moment you just have some pictures no proof, and it's that kind of thing which leads to the messenger being shot, as the photos were not sent to you with a "ohh look at x tag" then it could seem that you're stirring things.

If you are friends with some of the others who were there, just ask them first if anything is going on, then you can tell your other friend with something more than a couple of photos.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 15:35:27

Point her in the direction of the MN relationships board... We'll look after her smile

HerrenaHarridan Tue 20-Aug-13 15:37:54

I have been there and wish someone had told me too.

My best is ring her, say something like I need to talk to you have you got a min this isn't going to be easy but some pictures have just come through on my fb I think you need to see, I'm sending them now.

Please, if you possibly can, don't just drop the bomb. Be there to help desk with the fallout.

If you can't just do it anyway. She deserves to know.

FannyFifer Tue 20-Aug-13 15:38:26

I would text her and say, "Hi friend, one of my Facebook friends has posted pics that have your DH in the background, I think you really need to see them. Just going to email them to you now."

Backtobedlam Tue 20-Aug-13 15:43:05

Exactly what FannyFifer said. I don't think you should keep this to yourself. Without evidence I'd say keep quiet, but with these photos out there on fb for all to see, it's only fair that she gets the chance to make her own mind up.

What FannyFifer said.

If this was me I would want to know, but I'd want a chance to see/digest it before I spoke to anyone.

So sorry you're in this predicament. What a twunt.

mynewpassion Tue 20-Aug-13 15:55:59

Exactly what Fannyfifer suggested.

I would also add that you understand if she doesn't want to hear from you for awhile.

When my 'D'H was cheated many of my friends know and no-one told me!
I really wish they had.
Although it didn't take me too long to figure it out I could have saved myself a good 8 months of being paranoid etc.....
I would have appreciated it a lot more if they had told me!
Let us know how it goes.
I can't be an easy thing to do.

Kooza Tue 20-Aug-13 15:59:05

I agree you should find a way to let her know.

When my DP was cheating (and loads of people knew) one of my best friends found out and told me what she had heard. We are still best friends today.

I was so grateful to her for letting me know. Also, it enabled me to have my crying, hysterical reaction before getting myself together to deal with him calmly and coldly. To this day I still remember her guts and kindness.

Pinupgirl Tue 20-Aug-13 16:00:12

Don't tell-people always shoot the messanger sadly. Hopefully your friend will find out soon enough about the cocklodger.

You have my empathy though op as I am in a similar position only its family! Bil has cheated on sil-not for the first time I think!. He and dh went out and dh came home and told me how bil had pulled a women on a train and then in a pub.

I started a thread about it as I was so angry and was pretty much told I was over reactinghmm-but at the weekend bil was bragging to me about it! Twat.

Squitten Tue 20-Aug-13 16:01:27

I would let her know - I would hope that someone would tell me.

I would just email saying that you saw these and didn't know what to make of them but thought that she would want to know about them. That way, you're not influencing her thinking in any way, IYSWIM.

VintageLace Tue 20-Aug-13 16:07:43

just echoing others, but if it was me i'd want to know too.

MammaTJ Tue 20-Aug-13 16:10:15

I would phone her and tell her, then email the pictures while on the phone to her.

I have also been there and wish someone had told me, although my ExH was more discrete than your friends H.

ViviPru Tue 20-Aug-13 16:10:30

The pictures were taken in front of many people in a public place, and posted online to a wide readership..... It's just a matter of time before his DW knows, isn't it

I thought this. You sound caring and sensitive - someone's going to tell her, may as well be you.

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 16:29:41

I would tell her.

A friend told me some horrible news once and did so genuinely believing it would mean the end of our friendship (similar shoot the messenger fears). I was angry, but absolutely not at her in the slightest.

And even if I had been, it wouldn't have made her decision to tell me wrong.

mynewpassion Tue 20-Aug-13 16:30:57

Maybe someone wants to out him too that's why its all over fb.

Show her the pictures, even if she doesn't thank you for it now, you are doing her a massive favour in the long run. Her husband is a cheating, disrespectful slime ball and someone needs to be on his wife's side, because he clearly isn't.

Sanctimummy Tue 20-Aug-13 16:39:21

I would screen shot the photos down load them and send them to her via email and say I'm sorry these just appeared on my new s feed...thought you should know. If you need any thing let me know.

I wouldn't contact him at all.,.

^^ this.

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 16:39:56

I cant help wondering if these photos being posted are as "accidental" as it seems........ If his behaviour is an open secret at work then perhaps someone has had enough of him making a fool of his wife and posted them in the hopes she would find out.

PeppermintPasty Tue 20-Aug-13 16:40:51

Oh god, please at least phone her first. A text or email would seem so cold in this situation, even if meant kindly.

How awful. But I would want to know. Good luck with it.

mirai Tue 20-Aug-13 16:40:51

What have you decided?

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 17:13:40

Thanks all. I womanned up and sent the following email:

"Hi X. I saw some Facebook photos earlier of [her DH] which rang some alarm bells. I hope I'm worrying unnecessarily and it is something and nothing, but I thought it was best if you had a look at them for yourself.

If you need anything at all, you know where I am. Take care."

I really, really hope it was just a drunken one-off kiss and he 'fessed up straight away so she already knows. When I worked with him he had a bit of a reputation as a "player", first one to ask out the pretty new girl sort of thing, although AFAIK he wasn't involved with anyone already when he did. Tbh though I didn't exactly police his encounters. He was single when he first got together with my friend, I'm sure of that.

I echo what others have said; I would want to know, but I agree you need to call or text her first, don't just email the photos.

However, I was looking through some photos from our work Christmas do last year, and there are two pics of me with a male colleague that look for all the world like we were kissing passionately, and I can categorically 100% say that I know we didn't! It was obviously a really unfortunate camera angle, but he had a hand on the back on my neck and was leaning in to say something to me over the music and we got snapped in the background looking like we were having a good old snog! I'm sure his wife would have been delighted to see those pictures! All I'm saying is make sure 100% that you are right before you rock the boat.

Ezio Tue 20-Aug-13 17:22:39

How humiliating for your friend, if i saw my friends OH doing that on pictures, then i'd tell her, i couldnt call myself her friend if i didnt.

Sanctimummy Tue 20-Aug-13 17:24:33

You did the right thing. Let us know how it goes.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 17:25:45

Too late, I've emailed them. We don't really have a chatting-on-the-phone friendship, it's almost entirely conducted via email and FB and the odd face-to-face chat over coffee when I make the journey to catch up with friends or family.

I feel shit now sad I should have been less of a coward and rung her. I've just left a timebomb in her inbox, haven't I?

Juliet There is no mistaking these photos, unfortunately. I double- and triple-checked when I first saw them in case it was exactly that 'unlucky camera angle' thing going on, but it's definitely a kiss, it's definitely arms around each other and it's definitely his hand on her arse sad

Sanctimummy Tue 20-Aug-13 17:29:28

No you did the right thing. She has the photos there in front of her. No if's no but's that would occur in a conversation. It will be a shock, she'll feel like you did when you first saw them just 1 million times worse. But if they are what they appear to be, she'll thank you one day.

mynewpassion Tue 20-Aug-13 17:34:34

Sometimes doing the right thing is shitty.

InternationalPower Tue 20-Aug-13 17:39:29

I agree with Julliet. There are fb pictures of me sitting on a colleagues lap. We have heads close together, laughing and gazing into each other's eyes. We look deeply in love - the perfect couple except we are both married to others. In fact, after seeing it did wonder if he felt something I'd missed. It would certainly given OHs cause for concern.

In fact id stumbled, he'd caught me and id been on his lap for only a split second.

If there is more to it and he's being that blatant, especially among her ex colleagues she will already know

You did the right thing. You're a goid friend. He's a shit. She will realise this (either immediately or eventually).

On behalf of someone who's been cheated on, thank you.

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 17:44:13

I wouldn't have done what you have.

as I said up thread these are photographs on a night out in full view of work collegues and could have been totally misconstrued.
you have no evidence of an affair. photos can look damming and not tell the whole story.
I hope your friend is ok.

OctopusPete8 Tue 20-Aug-13 17:47:21

With it being there in photo evidence , I would show her.
As you can't guarantee who else will see it who knows her and it would be so humilating for her.
I wouldn't want to by omission, continue that bastards humilation of her.

Mckayz Tue 20-Aug-13 17:48:17

I think you have done the right thing. I hope your friend is ok.

lborolass Tue 20-Aug-13 17:48:57

I think you've done exactly the right thing, hopefully her DH will have already told her and the outcome will be the least worse one.

OctopusPete8 Tue 20-Aug-13 17:57:11

Oh god, you did the right thing though. update us though.

I would have said , something along the lines of 'you didn't see this from me though'

I wouldn't be dragged in the middle of this mess, sorry if that sounds callous, you've done ur bit.

Yonionekanobe Tue 20-Aug-13 18:02:17

Even if she knows as he confessed they both need to know these pictures are on Facebook.

Are you close to the person who posted them in the first place? Just thinking that if a married colleague did such a thing and I captured it on camera I'd think twice about posting them!

foreverondiet Tue 20-Aug-13 18:03:07

I might tag him in the photo as her name. I don't think they will know who did the tagging.....hmm

Sanctimummy Tue 20-Aug-13 18:05:57

Oh they would know who did the tagging, it says 'tagged by xxxx' when you hover over the name.

It also says 'xxxx tagged you in so and so's photo' in notifications to the 'tag eee'

I think OP has done the right thing in the best way possible.

Silverfoxballs Tue 20-Aug-13 18:09:32

You did the right thing because you have her best interests at heart, whatever happens do not doubt yourself.

You sound like a lovely friend

InternationalPower Tue 20-Aug-13 18:09:59

I thought that to Yoni. Either the "affair" is so open and common knowledge that the pictures are unremarkable or the poster of the pictures has a nasty streak - if the infidelity is as obvious as op says

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 18:15:34

Thanks, thebody that's really helpful hmm

These are three separate photos, apparently taken over a period of time (different people as the subject in the foreground of all three, so not three taken rat-tat-tat of the same subject with not much time to move inbetween IYSWIM) and in all three of them he is touching this woman in a way that I would feel very uncomfortable if I saw my husband touching another woman in the same way. They look intimate. I appreciate it's hard to get across without you seeing the photos and I accept that any one of them taken individually might be open to misinterpretation, but all three together seem much more damning.

Of course, if I have read more into it than is actually there, then he will have an innocent and plausible explanation for it all if/when she speaks to him about it, and hopefully there will be no damage done.

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 18:19:08

You have done the right thing select.

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 18:23:00

she has out herself right in the middle i
of it though hasn't she?

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 18:23:28

she has out herself right in the middle
of it though hasn't she?

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 18:27:58

I would want to know if I was the wife, and I couldn't stand by my friend while it was happening to them.

So as far as I'm concerned telling the wife is the only solution and I wouldn't care much if I was 'in the middle' of it or lost the friendship; it would be the right thing to do, imo.

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 18:28:34

er select. correct me if I am wrong but this is AIBU? you post and others agree or not with you.

I totally disagreed with you unthread on interfering here as photos can be very difficult to decipher. also it was a public place with other colleagues some of who presumably know both partners better than you.

you choose to do what you did rightly or wrongly, time will tell, and then tell me I am not helping to disagree with you.!

I hope this works out but what ever happens there are no winners here.

aibu is about opinions not all supporting a posters action.

harverina Tue 20-Aug-13 18:30:06

Op you have done the right thing. My only concern is that she won't get the email for a while so I would send her a text too to let her know you have emailed her.

Those of you who are saying that the friend would find out anyway, therefore, the op should not say anything - that's irrelevant. I would hope that my friends would tell me that my husband was making a full of our relationship and me on front of all of his work colleagues, and would want to know that it has been advertised on Facebook too. The women will feel utterly humiliated as it is. I'm glad I don't have friends like you.

It's doesn't matter whether this is an affair or drunken mistake (of course it will matter to his wife) the friend deserves to know and to decide for herself what she will do about it.

harverina Tue 20-Aug-13 18:30:33

Making a fool! Not full!

Amibambini Tue 20-Aug-13 18:30:37

Hey OP. Just wanted to say that I think you've done the right thing.
The right thing to do is often the least easy thing to do.

My good mate had a philanderer husband, myself and few mates who knew took the 'protect her', and 'its not really our business' approach and didn't say anything. That was a really big mistake. It allowed him to get away with all sorts of shit, and she was so humiliated and let down when she found out and the whole house of cards came down. We are still friends but she was very hurt by us all being to pussy to say anything.

Good luck, I hope everything works out ok.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 18:33:53

I don't think I have put myself in the middle of anything.

I no longer work with them, I rarely see her. I don't feel as though I have any particular loyalty to him, he's not a friend, just an ex-colleague and "X's husband". He wasn't someone I spent time with when we worked together or wanted to keep in touch with in his own right, hence why I'm not friends with him on FB. I don't care if she tells him it was me who sent her the photos, I'm not going to apologise for it to him if he gets the hump about it. I'm not the one with my tongue down another woman's throat. If it turns out to be nothing and he contacts me in some way afterwards to say "what were you playing at?" I can tell him with a clear conscience that I was concerned for X, it didn't look innocent and that if the positions were reversed, I'd hope she would alert me.

Being objective, the worst that can happen to me is that X doesn't want to have anything to do with me or resents me for telling her. That would be incredibly sad and I hope it won't happen, but it's not as though we are best friends forever, live in each other's pockets or are each other's confidantes. And really, that's worse case scenario. Hopefully even if it is evidence of an affair, she will understand that I've done this out of concern and friendship with her ultimate interests at heart, even if it doesn't feel like that to her when she first sees the photos.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 18:44:37

Yes it is AIBU thebody, which is why I was careful to put "WWYD not AIBU" in the thread title. I appreciate that you have answered that by saying you would do differently. Apologies if I was short with you but having made my decision to act and psyched myself up to do it, I was feeling pretty crap and doubting myself afterwards which was why having it reiterated that you wouldn't have done that just felt like a bit of a kick when I was down. I appreciate you may not have meant it in that way.

The other people on the night out won't know her better than I do, she left the company before I did and kept in touch with very few people of whom I am probably the one with whom she has most frequent/closest contact. They will know him better than I do, but I see that as a reason why, having seen what I've seen, someone needs to be looking out for her. Some of the people on the night out won't even have worked there when she did so won't know her at all, or just as a name as "Thingy's wife". It's a place where the culture is for partners not to be invited to social events.

AmIGoingMad Tue 20-Aug-13 18:47:17

I think you've done the right thing select and have obviously really thought it all through. I hope all works out ok for your friend.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 18:47:56

Sorry, meant to say thanks to everyone for your support, I am genuinely grateful that most of you seem to get this is a horrible position to be in. I'd still rather be in my position than X's if there isn't an innocent explanation, mind you.

Harverina good point about drawing her attention to the email, although I'm worried that might seem a bit like rubbing it in? Hard to articulate what I mean, but it feels almost like being too eager to drop the bad news bomb - does that make sense?

ViviPru Tue 20-Aug-13 18:50:53

Well I think that's rather brave and you must be feeling terribly anxious now. Try and do something that will take your mind off it. GBBO tonight - perfect timing!!!!

Bodicea Tue 20-Aug-13 19:00:56

I think it might be better to give her a call and tell her about the email. I personally would fond it a bit of a shock to open pictures like this without any prior warning.
Maybe tell you have seen something that has concerned you about her husband but think she should check emails before you say anymore.
At least then it softens the blow xxx

Bodicea Tue 20-Aug-13 19:01:35

Also give her a chance to check emails in privacy x

Idespair Tue 20-Aug-13 19:01:39

OP you have completely done the right thing. My h cheated with a colleague and everyone in his office knew outright or suspected. One of them told me and I am grateful. His motive for telling me was not great (he wanted the OW for himself instead of my dh having her and admitted this to me) but I can put that aside as it was important for me to know. At least he was honest!

Regardless of what happens to your friendship, you did the right thing and have behaved as a good friend. I think it's better by email as she will open it in her own time, without having to show you her reaction iyswim.

HurricaneWyn Tue 20-Aug-13 19:02:33

I'm with Bodicea - I'd give her a ring. You said yourself it's a timebomb in her inbox. Just give your friend a heads up so it's not a total shock.

EllesAngel Tue 20-Aug-13 19:15:24

OP I'd want you as a friend in this situation smile

Those who think you should say nothing I wouldn't want as friends at all.

EvaBeaversProtege Tue 20-Aug-13 19:21:04

I think you did the right thing OP.

If it were me I'd rather know.

EvaBeaversProtege Tue 20-Aug-13 19:23:26

I think you did the right thing OP.

If it were me I'd rather know.

Tell her. My DH had an affair, and when discussing it afterwards one of my friends said had she known she wouldn't have told me as she wouldn't have wanted to end the friendship. My take on it was if she hadn't told me that would have ended the friendship. If you can't trust your husband, or trust your friends to tell you something so fundamental, what are you left with? Nothing.

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 19:26:52

ok op

I wouldn't do what you have done with all the evidence you have presented but I do totally think you feel you are doing the right thing and that's all that individuals can do.

hope your friend is ok and hope you are too.

thebody Tue 20-Aug-13 19:28:54

too add to others posters Knowing of an affair and suspecting are very very different things.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 19:29:33

Okay, I have sent a text. It said "Hi X, sorry to bother you but I've seen something re [DH] that troubled me. Hoping it's nothing or I've got wrong end of stick but wanted to make you aware just in case. Have emailed you with details. Take care."

I'm shaking again now sad

newbiefrugalgal Tue 20-Aug-13 19:30:19

You've done the right thing. I would want to know.

Idespair Tue 20-Aug-13 19:31:05

You are a nice friend. Try to have a cup of tea or something to calm yourself a bit.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 19:31:25

Thanks the body, appreciate that. You're right, we can only ever do what we think is best as individuals.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 20-Aug-13 19:33:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 19:33:23

Idespair, I'm home now and have cracked open a cider - bugger tea!

ViviPru I am counting down to GBBO, I love it!

Select you're a lovely friend. I think you have done the right thing and done it sensitively.

CatsWearingTutus Tue 20-Aug-13 19:35:42

You did the right thing. Hopefully it will turn out to be innocent (twin brother? Open relationship? Who knows...) but regardless you have behaved as a true friend.

Euphemia Tue 20-Aug-13 19:41:25

Horrible position to be in. sad

Ex-DH cheated on me - I would have wanted to know earlier.

spottygoat Tue 20-Aug-13 19:54:33

Your poor friend, you have done the right thing.

chrome100 Tue 20-Aug-13 19:57:33

I rarely post but just wanted to say I really think you have done the right thing.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 20-Aug-13 19:58:03

I think you've done the right thing. Horrible situation though.

Yonionekanobe Tue 20-Aug-13 20:00:43

Cider and GBBO sounds like just the ticket (channels my DGM using that expression).

Although an hour of that (alleged) philanderer, Hollywood, may not be so good under the circumstances wink

OctopusPete8 Tue 20-Aug-13 20:12:03

Oh god the anticipation must be awful.

Shutupanddrive Tue 20-Aug-13 20:19:00

Oh god, any update? I think you have the the right thing so well done.

Apileofballyhoo Tue 20-Aug-13 20:23:11

Also think you did the right thing.

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 20:25:29

No reply yet sad

I think you did the right thing. Exdh got engaged to OW four days after he left me. I wish I had known.

Just to say I think you did the right thing.

I'd want to know! thanks

Maybe have a sweet tea to settle things a bit and watch some crap tv or something. She may not reply obviously but just to take your mind off of it.

KatOD Tue 20-Aug-13 20:56:05

You did the right thing. But sod it, go and grab the wine. X

LemonBreeland Tue 20-Aug-13 20:58:57

I think you've done the right thing. It must be awful for you to have to be in this position.

littlebunnyfriend Tue 20-Aug-13 21:08:05

How horrible for you - and of course for your friend.

DontmindifIdo Tue 20-Aug-13 21:11:01

The thing is, you are friends with this woman, and you have seen proof of her DH cheating. It is not something you can opt out of seeing, you have seen it, and now you had a choice (along with everyone else who's seen it) tell her or not. While given the choice you might not want to know, you do, so the 'keep out of it' option isn't there, once you'd had the evidence shown to you by the mutual friend who took the photos, you were in it.

Now, most people might think that not saying anything is keeping out of it, but it's not, it's being in the know about his adultary and actively chosing to keep it from the wife. That's not the same as not knowing. Or suspecting and not saying anything. That's taking the decision the wife shouldn't know.

IMO you did the right thing.

MammaTJ Tue 20-Aug-13 21:15:16

You don't need a reply to know you have done the right thing. She is probably busy dealing with the situation you have told her about. Note I said you have told her about, not that you have caused!!!

Whatever happens, you really have done right here by your friend!!

SPBisResisting Tue 20-Aug-13 21:26:11

You have definitely done the right thing. As her friend you had a responsibility not to collude in his secret.

everythinghippie29 Tue 20-Aug-13 21:26:45

Oh dear, hope its nothing. For what its worth I think you've been a good friend. thanks

harverina Tue 20-Aug-13 21:30:17

Select sorry I haven't been back on - but see you have sent a text now anyway...I see what you mean by your concerns that you may come across as being too eager but at least now you will know for sure that she knows. By sending an email you can never be as sure and she may not check them often. Your not being eager, just conscientious I feel.

Hope it works out ok for your friend. Try and relax and not worry about it any more. She will come back to you when she is ready to talk. If she has had a chance to look at her emails she will be dealing with her dh right now, but she may need someone to talk to at some point...and with you not being a really close friend or being in close proximity, you may actually be the one she comes too.

NatashaBee Tue 20-Aug-13 21:31:46

What an awful thing to have to tell someone... but if it were me i'd want to know.

BonaDrag Tue 20-Aug-13 21:39:17

You have done the right thing. I'm in awe of you as in your situation I probably would have been too cowardly to do so.

OctopusWrangler Tue 20-Aug-13 21:42:10

I think you did the right thing, I would have wanted to know. Nobody told me, though I later found out all his colleagues assumed we had an open relationship.

Angloamerican Tue 20-Aug-13 21:56:25

You did the right thing, absolutely.

Famzilla Tue 20-Aug-13 22:01:35

You have done the right thing. Really, you have.

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 22:25:11

The fact that you havent had a reply indicates to me that she didnt know anything about it and the balloon has gone up at her house sad

YOu did the right thing

littlebunnyfriend Tue 20-Aug-13 22:30:09

Anyone else checked their e-mails in case they are the friend?

<neurotic>

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 22:35:31

Have had a text reply:

"Got your email. Things not great."

Oh shit. sad

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 22:37:00

Sorry, meant to add I have replied "Really sorry to hear that. So sorry. Am here if you need me."

HarumScarum Tue 20-Aug-13 22:37:49

It's not really oh shit. Well, it is. But you did the right thing. Nobody would want a friend to keep quiet if they saw something like this, would they? I know I wouldn't.

HurricaneWyn Tue 20-Aug-13 22:38:36

You did the right thing.

She deserved to know.

I know it's a horrible feeling, like you've brought this trouble to her door, but you didn't, he did. And the fact that she's got back to you, means she doesn't blame you.

HarumScarum Tue 20-Aug-13 22:38:58

And good reply. Poor woman. Horrible thing for her to have to deal with.

PowerPants Tue 20-Aug-13 22:39:20

You did the right thing. A friend had to tell me something like this once, I still think of her as my bravest, most honest friend.

impatienttobemummy Tue 20-Aug-13 22:41:16

You did the right thing I'm not as brave as you

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 22:41:57

There is nothing worse than being the last to know, and you have saved her that humiliation. I daresay many people will come out of the woodwork saying "Oh well I did wonder...." or "I saw him once but.......". In the future she will have a special place in her heart for the one person who was brave enough to be straight with her, knowing that she was risking a friendship.

mynewpassion Tue 20-Aug-13 22:42:03

Was hoping it was just bad camera angles but worst case scenario has happened. I am Sorry for your friend and sorry that you had to be put in this position.

edam Tue 20-Aug-13 22:48:12

Select - it's sad, but it's her dh who has behaved badly here. The distress is caused by him, the dodgy, brazen fecker. It's awful for your friend, but better she knows the truth now than spends years being cheated on.

towerofjelly Tue 20-Aug-13 22:52:31

What a horrible situation. You did the right thing and I hope your friend is ok.

FreeWee Tue 20-Aug-13 22:55:14

Well handled OP. Hope your friend is OK?

SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 22:57:52

I know, you're all right really. It's just a horrible feeling knowing I'm the one who has burst her happy bubble. I do know it's her sleazy 'D'H who is in the wrong here, but I still don't feel great.

My poor, poor friend. She's a lovely person, she doesn't deserve this crappy treatment.

It occurred to me that I could have messaged the person who uploaded the photos to FB in the first place and asked her about them/his behaviour on the night but I didn't think of that beforehand and now it would feel like gossiping, or at least fishing for gossip, so I think I'll leave it.

ViviPru Tue 20-Aug-13 22:59:39

Oh shitting hell sad. You've done the right thing. Hope you managed to get a bit of GBBO escapism and you manage to find some peace with this.

meditrina Tue 20-Aug-13 23:00:04

Your friend might not want any further information posted about her.

I think you did the right thing, and I wish you both all the best with whatever comes next.

Sophita Tue 20-Aug-13 23:00:31

I had this conversation with someone not long enough ago...

Me: so yeah, DP has left me for a new girlfriend

So-called friend: Oh right, that'd be the blonde girl I saw him with in John Lewis. I thought they looked very friendly, but then Other Friend saw them too and we thought best not to cause a scene by telling you [am barely even paraphrasing / exaggerating]

Me: [what the fuck face]

I really wish I'd had someone around as brave and honest as you. I think you did a difficult thing as best you could. Hope you're ok.

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 23:01:33

* It's just a horrible feeling knowing I'm the one who has burst her happy bubble*

No no no.

Her bubble was burst the second her sleazebag husband stuck his tongue (and lets face it, probably his dick as well) into someone else. She just didnt know it.

She needed someone who cared about her to let her know. Worst case scenario is that she finds out via gossip from people who dont give a shit, or the OW. This way she found out in a reasonably controlled way from someone who has no axe to grind and no stake in what happens. You feel bad for telling her, but imagine how much worse you would feel if he left or the OW turned up on her doorstep and you hadnt told her.

You have saved her from much worse heartache.

InternationalPower Tue 20-Aug-13 23:03:00

TBF things could be described as "not great" if she's just confronted him with accusations which are untrue, although I accept that might be clutching at straws.

OP, have you spoken to the friend who took/posted the pictures? Why did she not realise the significance of their content?

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 23:03:01

Just a thought, the person who posted the photos isnt the OW is she? Or a different OW who wants him "outed"?

fuzzpig Tue 20-Aug-13 23:04:33

Oh no sad

tillyo Tue 20-Aug-13 23:08:35

You did the right thing. I would want to know and it might just be a drunken kiss now and you might have stopped it becoming a full blown affair. Hope your friend is ok x

ViviPru Tue 20-Aug-13 23:09:34

This way she found out in a reasonably controlled way from someone who has no axe to grind and no stake in what happens.

A really good point

meditrina Tue 20-Aug-13 23:11:20

it might just be a drunken kiss now and you might have stopped it becoming a full blown affair

This is a very good point.

lborolass Tue 20-Aug-13 23:13:38

Hopefully she will now feel she has a friend she can trust to help her through whatever is happening with her H.

The fact that they allowed themselves to be photographed even in the background suggests to me that maybe it was a drunken encounter. If two co workers were having an ongoing affair wouldn't they want to keep it a secret?

Merel Tue 20-Aug-13 23:14:27

Not been in this situation myself, but I imagine I would feel doubly betrayed if I found out one of my friends had kept my partner's affair secret from me. If you decide not to say anything now, and then find out they are having issues down the line, just make sure you never tell her that you already knew.

Merel Tue 20-Aug-13 23:17:14

Sorry only just realised there are 7 pages already! Ignore post above. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.

Bogeyface Tue 20-Aug-13 23:18:45

It might be a drunken snog, it might be a full on affair, it might be any number of things. But the point is that now she knows, she can deal with it as she feels appropriate. Without the OP telling her then she would have been blissfully unaware that she was being cheated on, and yes a drunken snog is still cheating.

Lilacroses Tue 20-Aug-13 23:34:59

Look OP, you did the right thing. I can't imagine anyone NOT wanting to be told if they were in your friend's situation. I was in that situation about 10 years ago and still feel resentful and let down that friends knew what was going on and didn't tell me. It's like another betrayal on top of my ex DP's betrayal. The photos you describe do not sound particularly subtle or easy to misconstrue....full on snogging?! It's not like you simply heard a rumour. You did something really brave and caring. I'm so sorry for you friend.

Ezio Tue 20-Aug-13 23:39:23

OP, i know you feel shit, but you given your friend knowledge, now she can make an informed choice on what was she does with that knowledge.

If it is something bad, then alot of people know it, and atleast one person she knew had the good grace to tell her.

sophiedaal Tue 20-Aug-13 23:42:18

It's possible that she already knew - hence, 'things not great' - and this is just confirmation for her?

internationallove985 Tue 20-Aug-13 23:52:21

Reasons to tell her
If you don't you may feel somewhat guilty for keeping it from her
she deserves to know
If she finds out that you knew and you didn't tell her what would that do to your freindship
As another poster said if it were her D.H she'd want to know
If you don't tell her someone else will

Reasons not to tell her
If you do and they split up would your friend blame you in someway
Do they have D.C
Is there any chance at all they have an open relationship. They are more common than people think.

I suppose in her case some would say "Ignorance is bliss and in your case. A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. xx

mirai Wed 21-Aug-13 04:22:39

Your poor friend. I definitely think you did the right thing, I am a bit hmm at people saying "but there's no proof", in my world a photo of them kissing is proof enough! At least your friend has a good friend in you. wine

LadyHarrietdeSpook Wed 21-Aug-13 04:43:08

It's just a horrible feeling knowing I'm the one who has burst her happy bubble. I do know it's her sleazy 'D'H who is in the wrong here, but I still don't feel great. You did a brave thing, and chose not to think of yourself and your discomfort but what was in her interests. You could have just left it, but you followed your conscience. Right thing to do!

It occurred to me that I could have messaged the person who uploaded the photos to FB in the first place and asked her about them/his behaviour on the night but I didn't think of that beforehand and now it would feel like gossiping, or at least fishing for gossip, so I think I'll leave it. Agree don't do this. They probably wouldn't have told you anything anyway, would have just panicked and taken the pics down. Possibly told her DH too, etc etc.

Thinking of you and your friend!

Morning op. I feel so sorry for you and her. Please keep telling yourself that you did nothing wrong. He did. You were brave and honest. I think the fact that friend replied so quickly shows she feels that too.

jaabaar Wed 21-Aug-13 09:17:56

What a precious friend you are! Be by her side with a listening ear, but im sure u would do that anyway.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Aug-13 09:41:30

How are things, OP ?

I think you did the right thing. I would want to know, for sure.

As long as you make it clear that whatever your friend does with the information is entirely up to her, you have no expectations whatsoever, will not judge and will support her whatever she decides to do with it.

Tortoisegirl Wed 21-Aug-13 10:33:03

You have done the right thing! I was the last person to find out my exH was seeing his exGF. Everybody, including his family, all knew so I not only had to deal with him leaving, but also had the humiliation of everyone knowing already. Not something I would want anyone else to go through!

OctopusPete8 Wed 21-Aug-13 10:47:29

Oh dear, but you have done the right thing.

SelectAUserName Wed 21-Aug-13 11:41:56

Thanks again everyone. Haven't heard from my friend since last night's text but I suspect, sadly, that she's got bigger fish to fry.

I really do appreciate your words of support. I just hope she has some RL equivalents closer to home who she can turn to if he has turned out to be a cheating arse.

Seenenoughtoknow Wed 21-Aug-13 22:54:18

I've been reading this whole thread with interest OP as I had to do a similar thing about a year ago. I did it with a heavy heart, but my reasoning was that if the situation were reversed I would want to know. My friend stayed with her husband, and our friendship suffered awfully, but it is getting better with time, and her husband speaks to me again now.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do OP, and the ONLY thing that gave me any comfort was my husband telling me that I had done the right thing. My friend was being made a fool of, and thankfully that was stopped. I knew our friendship would suffer when I told her, but like you I decided she had a right to know.

DaleyBump Thu 22-Aug-13 02:53:37

De-lurking to ask if you've heard anything OP?

seenenough it's awkward seeing any friends as a couple after an affair. I don't think it is down to what you did, I think it's just facing the world again is difficult. I've dealt with it by telling everyone, as then there is no elephant in the room, and I know that whoever I'm talking to isn't wondering about the gossip on the grapevine and trying to work out how much of it is true. Other people deal with it differently. DH (not surprisingly) would rather keep it quiet but as I've told him he has no right to an opinion, and my way of dealing and moving on is to discuss things with my friends, rather than hide myself away in a miserable little bundle and brood.

It'll probably always be a little awkward. I've learnt to ignore the slightly pitying smiles and 'how are you' I get from acquaintances. Close friends can see we've made it through and are finally happy and they're more normal round us.

If you act normal and relaxed your friend will be able to as well.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 22-Aug-13 10:00:40

You did the right thing and the brave thing OP.

SelectAUserName Thu 22-Aug-13 13:16:13

I have had a brief email from my friend this morning. Without going into too much detail as this is really her business, my email the other day prompted her to do some detective work via her 'D'H's emails/Facebook before she confronted him, and what she found sadly confirms that this does not appear to have been a one-off drunken snog. sad

She has thanked me for telling her, even though as she puts it "part of [her] would rather not know". I don't know what she's going to do, she hasn't gone into detail and I suspect she probably doesn't entirely know herself yet. I have simply reiterated to her that I'm so sorry and that I'm here for her if she needs me. For the time being anyway, she and I still have a friendship which is important to me. I know it's her husband's fault and I know it's better all round that she is able to move forward from a position of knowledge, but I can't shake off the heavy dull sad feeling that my email was the catalyst which has shattered her illusions about her marriage. I just wish the stupid twunt had kept his dick in his pants.

I don't intend to update further as this has moved away from "what should I do?" to "what is she going to do?" and that's not really my place to discuss on here. A final thank you for your invaluable support during the last couple of days. I only wish it had had a better outcome sad

You're a friend in a million, and she'll need you. Best thing my friends did for me was to act normally. We went out for dinner, drinks, coffee or just a walk and had fun. It was lovely to laugh, because when you are on your own you cry. The fact you aren't super close will help. My 'best' friends were too close, couldn't be objective and I didn't want their righteous indignation on my behalf.

StuntGirl Thu 22-Aug-13 13:46:10

As shitty a discovery as it is for her she deserves better than a cheating arse of a partner. I hope things work out for her. You're a good friend flowers

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 22-Aug-13 13:54:26

you did the right thing, your friend needed to know, i would want to know if oh was unfaithful - yes it hard to tell someone but least you had eveidence

seems from what you have said its not the first time sad

all you can do is be there for her

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 22-Aug-13 13:59:05

You did the right thing OP, however horrible.

Well done select its never pleasant telling something this horrific but in my opinion is if I kept tis secret from someone I couldn't ever be normal around them anyway.
She will be thankful one day that someone had the balls to make sure she knew the truth whatever she decides to do.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 22-Aug-13 15:48:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Aug-13 17:11:09

What a great friend you are

Lavidaenrosa Thu 22-Aug-13 17:11:38

I was in the same situation and I chose to keep my mouth shut. They are still happy (the couple with my friend not knowing about her BF cheating on her) 3 years on.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Aug-13 20:50:14

I wouldn't call that a happy relationship Rosa

Of course, not everyone wants to get involved though

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 22-Aug-13 23:42:31

Lav - she's happy as doesn't know any different

If she knew her dh was dick dipping course she wouldn't be happy

Notmadeofrib Fri 23-Aug-13 19:50:46

Well done OP

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