not to invite my uncle to my mother's surprise party

(40 Posts)
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 13:49:20

I'm planning a surprise party for a big event for my mum and am putting together the guestlist at the moment and have hit a bit of a stumbling block. Her brother.

He and I have never got on, even when I was young, but I was happy to host him in my house when he needed somewhere to stay about 8 years ago. He caused quite a bit of trouble for me over that and in the end I lost my temper and told him to stick it - not my finest hour, but he really had gone to town to cause drama for me.

A few years ago we were having a family Christmas shindig at mine and I invited him, thinking it the right thing to do and that the past was all water under the bridge. He declined and in his email told me that I was a despicable person, that I rode roughshod over other's feelings, that I was awful to my mother, that the whole family was scared of me and that he wouldn't stand for it (I hadn't had any contact with him for four or five years at this point). I wasn't doing well at the time and this pushed my MH into crisis. I remember being at the doctor not long after receiving this email from him and them taking 2 hours to decide whether to let me go home or not.

Anyway, I haven't seen him since and have no want to see him at all. But I know the right thing to do would be to invite him to my mum's surprise party (it's doubtful he'll turn up, he's generally rude and selfish when it comes to family things) but I don't really want him there - and I'm organising and paying it.

WIBU not to invite him or do I have to suck it up?

kinkyfuckery Tue 20-Aug-13 13:50:36

Would your mum want him there? If so, invite him. Like you say, chances are he won't come anyway.

I think that if your DM would want him to be there then you should invite him. If she wouldn't then don't.

glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 13:51:15

What is his relationship like with your mum?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 13:53:29

He's kind of in and out of my mum's life popping up when he wants something but she has this thing about him being "the only family I have" which is frustrating.

He is honestly the most awful man. And I don't want to include him.

glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 13:55:44

In that case I would reluctantly invite him. Sounds like he would decline anyway but at least you have done the right thing by your mum.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 13:55:57

I'm sure your mum would rather you were there and relaxed, than her brother turn up and set the cat among the pigeons. Is there anyway you can find out if she has any desire to see him - do they speak/meet up?

LemonBreeland Tue 20-Aug-13 13:57:14

How big is the party? If it is fairly small adn there is a chance he could turn up and ruin it, then don't invite him.

If it is a big party and loads of people then just invite him and hope he doesn't show.

SoupDragon Tue 20-Aug-13 13:57:43

If your mum would want him there, you should invite him.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 13:57:50

Oh right, Xpost. Tricky. I'd invite but organise chaparones to keep him the hell away from me. Has he wife/kids?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 14:02:28

He has a wife, who I don't really know, and four children from his first marriage who refuse to have anything to do with him. Families are such fun, aren't they?

I kind of feel like I should invite him for my mother but don't want to for me - I promised to never give him the time of day after he sent me that hate mail - and kind of thought that my mother should have stuck up for me against him, though that's a whole other thread.

I know it's not about me though. Maybe I could conveniently lose his invitation on the way to the postbox smile

Crinkle77 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:58:42

It sounds like he might not turn up anyway but I would invite him. At least that way he can't complain that he was deliberately excluded.

MaxPepsi Tue 20-Aug-13 15:26:39

Where do you plan on having the party?

Will it be a small intimate lunch/evening meal or is it going to be a bigger party with music and dancing etc?

If it's in your home, no, don't even waste another thought on inviting him.
A small intimate lunch - do a table plan and put him well away from yourself. Let the staff know he's difficult then smile a greeting and avoid.

Big party - invite and just ignore him.

stickingattwo Tue 20-Aug-13 15:30:22

If you think your mum would want him there - landmark birthday etc -then i would invite him. It's her do. Doesn't sound like he'll come anyway and your conscience will be clear

ratbagcatbag Tue 20-Aug-13 15:33:19

Hmmmm, I'd not invite him, then if he moaned say I had. He obviously just wanted to cause drama, but then I really don't like my family.

xuntitledx Tue 20-Aug-13 16:22:38

Hmm, we have a person like this in my family and I feel obliged to invite them to any party or event that we hold but we've been lucky and they haven't ever turned up!

We invite said person because it would upset other family members if we were to deliberately exclude them so whilst it's super annoying and would be even more so if they actually turned up as we're paying for them(!), I'd rather take the higher ground and just suck it up.

Sorry but I would not invite him - no way would i include someone in a function i was organising and paying for who had been that vile to me in emails.

If he can't behave nicely within the family dynamic then sod him.

I don't speak to my mum/late father but we are both invited regularly to family events. Generally we just avoid each other - I think both parties don't want to embarrass other family members or make our disagreements spill over on to others.

I'd say invite, but ask a trusted friend/family member to act as wrangler and ensure seating plans etc. don't put you together. It's your mum's birthday so her party - if he doesn't turn up, that's fine, but you've done the right thing.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 20-Aug-13 16:32:04

You are having this party for your mum. OP, you know what you should do.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 18:13:07

Yes I know what I should do, it just doesn't fit with what I want to do.

It's to celebrate a position she has got - a really big deal - which happened some months back and he hasn't been in touch to congratulate her, though we know he has been told. He wasn't invited to her big birthday a few years ago and she didn't mind.

I'm clutching at straws, aren't I. I hope that if the invite is from me he'll refuse it, and being more resilient this time I will tell him exactly where to stick it if he's rude.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 18:36:50

Is your DP scary? Can he call and tell him to behave or else? That's what I would do (I am a wuss when it comes to me but would happily make the call for you in my toughest weegie accent!).

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 18:50:22

Ha -DH is the mildest mannered man around!

I kind of feel that I do behave, I invited him to my home, and he's the one who responds with vitriol and hate so he's the one who can't behave. I wouldn't trust him not to cause a scene or ambush me and then blame me when I got upset with him.

I really have to suck it up though. And try not to call him uncle cuntface to his face.

jasmine3663 Tue 20-Aug-13 18:55:58

Don't invite him; you don't need the stress.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 19:01:14

There's nothing worse than going to loads of bother for someone else and having the shittiest time.

I wouldn't invite him and make sure that your mum (and anyone else) knows exactly why (no drama, just the facts). I assume you are footing the bill?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 19:08:20

I'm footing a chunk of it.

ratbagcatbag Tue 20-Aug-13 19:27:26

Seriously, don't invite him. It's not worth this stress.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 20-Aug-13 20:24:24

Hotel, how much easier life would be if what we wanted to do and what we had to do were the same. Look on the bright sides: he might not come and even if he does you are so much more resilient and mature now. Hey maybe at the end of the party you might cheerfully wave him off with a delightfully cheery "Bye Uncle Cuntface".grin

VegasIsBest Tue 20-Aug-13 20:30:15

Don't invite him. Enjoy the party with your mum and other friends and family. Your mum can arrange to see him separately if she wants to. No point making yourself miserable over this.

primroseyellow Tue 20-Aug-13 20:36:17

I would not invite him. If he wants to celebrate he can take your mother out for a meal on another occasion. If people are rude and obnoxious to someone they should suffer the consequences - or they have in effect got away with it. Don't jeopardise your own health and well-being. IMO it would be very unwise to invite him on the assumption he probably won't turn up, why risk it?

MikeOxard Tue 20-Aug-13 21:27:35

I don't know your mum, but if my dbro had had that effect on the MH of my child, I wouldn't want to see him. Your mental health is everything - if you lose that, you can lose everything you have. I wouldn't risk mine for a shit of an uncle that I hated anyway.

I wouldn't invite him, I don't see that any good can come of inviting him, but I can see a lot of things he could fuck up if he was invited, why extend him that opportunity. x

sparklingstars Tue 20-Aug-13 21:33:10

If he and your mother get on then you should invite him. He's her brother and it is her party and not yours, you just need to rise above it no matter how hard it is.

facedontfit Tue 20-Aug-13 21:33:34

It's simple, don't invite him.

wigglesrock Tue 20-Aug-13 21:47:14

See I was going to say invite him because I assumed it was a birthday party and he is part of her family and they still see each other occasionally, but it's not a birthday party, christening type family thing, so I actually think No, don't bother. It would be different if they were in each others houses every week.

Dackyduddles Wed 21-Aug-13 07:37:24

I DISAGREE. Put loudly so you hear me.

DM loves him. Obvious is to invite him for her. However if you are host and you are paying then in this situation I feel it is a gift to your mum so in order for gift to be fun he shouldn't be invited. He will turn it into a show for him. We both know that.

If asked I would also be clear as to why. I'm afraid you have to be for others to understand. It's the pay off for not having him there.

Dackyduddles Wed 21-Aug-13 07:39:30

Blimey by time I wrote others also thought you shouldn't invite him so actually I agree! How funny! Have a good party.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 21-Aug-13 20:24:01

Have been told by my father I have to invite him. I think I won't contribute to the cost and probably won't go. Just re-read the mail he sent to me last time. Feel like crap. Also feel like crap because if anyone acted like that towards any of my family I'd not include them in my life again. It's like my feelings don't matter for the sake of "family" - which should be defined by fucking behaviour not genetics.

glossyflower Wed 21-Aug-13 20:34:49

Oh dear. I'm sending you lots of hugs.
Does your mum and dad know what your twat face uncle has said to you in your emails?
Family dynamics are often complicated, and obvious rules do not always apply.
Unfortunately some people think that they have to accommodate their family no matter how shitty they are, I think the opposite, and just want to surround myself with the family and friends who love and are about me, those who don't have no room in my life.
Try not to let this man get to you, I know it's not easy, but the best way to go about it is to empower yourself that he can't get to you anymore. Xxx

glossyflower Wed 21-Aug-13 20:35:36

*care not are!

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 21-Aug-13 20:38:47

Yes they know as uncle cuntface copied them in on said emails at the time and I suspect a lot of the vitriol is from my mother slagging me off as she tends to do that about me and my sisters to whoever will listen

I think we think the same way about family - you don't accommodate just because of "family", only good people are allowed in my family circle.

DH is furious, which is oddly comforting.

glossyflower Wed 21-Aug-13 21:04:25

Well in that case I wouldn't bother with her party and let them all get on with bitching about how unreasonable you are grin

Take care and protect yourself from negative people as much as you can. Xxx

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