I am BU but exactly how U am I being? And how do I get out of it once I've calmed down?

(120 Posts)
CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 20:39:34

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am 42 and have AS.

(Bear with me, this is lengthy).

I have lived independently since going to university, and only approach the Bank Of Mum And Dad when in dire financial straits (which, partly due to my dysalculia, is more often than I'd like).

My mother and father are divorced and remarried, and I do my best to keep them in separate compartments of my life. I love my mother to bits but have a somewhat (!) cooler relationship with my father. He was EA to me growing up and to my mother throughout their marriage which is why she eventually LTB.

I live in London. I regularly travel back to stay at my DSis's house, because I love her so.

My father volunteered to refund me my trainfare when I did so (£30 return).

Last time I was back, he blew up at me over nothing -- really had a go -- and then stormed out, delivering the parting shot: "And I'll see you next time you want something!" <door slam>

That did it for me. I have spent the last few years trying to build an adult relationship with my father, but it looks like I've failed.

NOW ... in addition to this, I drink too much. Not going to say how much, but it's a lot. I'm trying to cut down (last night was my first drink in a fortnight -- two V+Ts). I don't think I'm addicted (never drink during the day, never suffer withdrawal if not drinking, never have blackouts etc etc) -- I've just become a habitual drinker. Partly due to years of self-medicating my bipolar disorder. My family, however, worry on my behalf about my alcohol intake. I take their concerns on board, which is why I'm cutting down.

Last time I stayed at my sister's -- about a month ago -- I had an accident. I was just sitting down to go for a wee, when I sharted. It happens to us all. I cleaned myself up, did my business, and thought no more of it. However, I hadn't been directly over the toilet when the event took place, with the result that a bit of poo fell on the floor. I didn't realise at the time, but my sister informed me the next morning -- I was mortified and cleaned it up at once, apologising profusely.

HOWEVER ... a couple of weeks later, my sister told my mother that I had got so drunk that I had shat on her bathroom floor. Result: One very embarrassing phonecall last Friday but one (i.e., August 9th) from my concerned mother, who had swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I don't know why my sister said this, but she has got form for stirring.

I was livid and humiliated at the same time.

I now can't face speaking to any of them, due to anger, wounded pride, and embarrassment. I have ignored phone calls from all three of them until my phone's battery ran out. I haven't been opening the emails they've sent me. (On Wednesday I sent each of them an email saying that I'm OK, hope they are too, and I'll be back in touch "in due course", and left it there).

I am still simmering gently and getting irate every time I think about any of them. So I figure I'm not ready to re-engage yet. I suppose this is what you would call 'going NC' for a while.

How long should I leave it? Have I been a complete cunt to them? Should I take this on the chin as 'one of those things' that happen in families? And when I've calmed down and it's time to get back in touch, how should I do it?

In my head, I am determined that I won't speak to any of them until Christmas. But, having insight into my AS, I suspect this is due to my unnaturally rigid thinking. But at the same time, I can't help it. It's like recent events have tripped a switch in my head and a light has come on saying 'NO MORE'. I should add that I gave up one of my antipsychotic meds a month ago, because it was causing such weight gain. Has this clouded my judgement?

Please advise, you're a wise bunch and I need some perspective on what's just happened.

Sorry to be so longwinded, and thanks if you had the patience to read the foregoing.

farrowandbawl Mon 19-Aug-13 20:46:00

Have you been to your GP for support for your drinking? Maybe they can get you some councelling to help with the issues with your family and the drinking?

Your sister was out of order & your mum is acting out of concern from what I can see.

I do think that your rigid way of thinking may actually be telling you to get some space away from these two for a while until you are in a better place.

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 19-Aug-13 20:49:44

I'm not an expert. But I think you need to draw a line in the sand and move on. They all love you and I'm sure will support you. We're all too hung up about bodily functions. Also, the longer you don't talk to people the harer it is to start agaiin. Go on - pick up the phone - tell your mum you love her and need her. She'll likely be made up and have a cry. Xx

myroomisatip Mon 19-Aug-13 20:51:42

Well, with regards to your sister, I think, at the very least she was unkind! It seems to me that her action was designed to humiliate you.

Does your Dad regularly blow up over nothing?

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. If you feel that going NC suits you then do it.

Maybe you will feel less inclined to drink without their hassle!

Without wanting to hurt or offend you, I'm not really sure what they've done that's so bad that you wouldn't speak to them till Christmas.

Your sister and mum are worried about your drinking, and the fact that you had an accident due to it.

You said yourself that you use bank of mum and dad more than you'd like, do your day's comment, while hurtful, was accurate.

MsVestibule Mon 19-Aug-13 20:54:54

I have very little experience of MH problems, so will have to just answer as though you're NT - if that sounds really wanky, I apologise.

- You say you have been living independently since you left university. If you've frequently been running to your parents for money, you haven't been living independently.
- Do you only ever see your Dad when you want something? If so, he's got every right to be annoyed.
- If your family have been concerned enough about your drinking to mention it, you probably have been drinking far too much.
- You say pooing on the floor 'happens to us all'. Er no, it really, really doesn't. I have been very drunk when I was younger, but have never pissed or shit myself.

No, I don't think you've been a complete cunt, but taking what you've written on face value, I'd be pissed off if I was your mum/sister/dad.

Presumably you've spoken to your doctor about coming off your meds?

waltzingmathilda Mon 19-Aug-13 20:58:42

I've read this before on another forum a couple of years ago

WafflyVersatile Mon 19-Aug-13 21:02:26

I think maybe what I would do is compose an email explaining what happened that you are hurt that it was represented as being something that it wasn't. And that you don't want to hear any more about it.

Then that you have taken on board their concerns over your drinking and are taking steps to cut down. Again this is not something you want to be nagged about. It's up to you and you alone to address this and you are doing so. You may or may not want to reiterate that this was about self-medicating for the bipolar disorder you are now getting proper medical attention for.

Say that you still feel wound up about it and need a little time to calm down but will speak to them in a couple of weeks. (this also gives you a limit for yourself to draw a line in the sand for you to stop brooding)

I'd send that to both your mum and your sister so they both have the same story.

As for your dad, ignore him or return the £30 then ignore him. You don't need anything from him, especially not his abuse. If he gets in touch then you can decide for yourself what to do.

CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 21:07:44

I'm not going to chip in at every response, because I intend to take a consensus on what should happen next, but I will say to MsVestible, I didn't mean that shitting on the floor happens to us all -- I meant that sharting happens to us all. Slight difference. In this instance, for the first time in my life, some poo fell on the floor. Unfortunate, but there you go.

wickeddevil Mon 19-Aug-13 21:12:53

Charity do you have a professional you could talk to?

GP would be a good start re coming off your meds and your drinking, but perhaps you have a CPN or SW you could speak to?

Hard to tell to be honest if your sister is stirring or if she has just had enough. Is it possible that her and your Mum were discussing your drinking because they were concerned? I would imagine it would be appropriate for her to mention it and as Mrs V says pooing on the floor really isn't normal.

Please get help, you don't sound like you are in a good place and may not be making good decisions. Good luck.

NayFindus Mon 19-Aug-13 21:21:51

I'm sorry, but you sound completely immature and too used to taking advantage of your family simply because you're related to them. If I went into my nice, clean bathroom and saw my 42 year old guest had left poo on the floor, I would be utterly disgusted. I would not want them back in my house. I would also think for ffs, grow up. Is your drinking a cry for help?

I understand you're bi-polar, but perhaps you're using this as a crutch? Do you work? Did you gain a degree at uni?

Bunson Mon 19-Aug-13 21:37:42

A grown woman who accidentally shits on the floor and doesn't even realise? You play it off like it was "just one of those things" but people do not shit on the floor, they just don't. This is a fact. Reach inside yourself, open the door of shame and have a think about exactly how drunk you were. You are Saint Paul. The turd is your road to Damascus.

StickyFloor Mon 19-Aug-13 21:51:04

You are Saint Paul. The turd is your road to Damascus.

^ wonderful!

Anyway, assuming you want to sort this out peacefully, my thoughts:

1) ring mum, say thanks for your concern, I am trying to do something about the drinking, although the incident she heard about wasn't actually as bad as it seems

2) ring / email sis and say you are very disappointed that she told your mum what happened, however, she can be reassured that you are trying to sort out your drinking

3) email dad say you are sorry he feels like that and that you are doing your best to sort yourself out and will not be asking him for help again- then make sure you stick to it

4) draw a line and move on

I appreciate you have issues going on and I may be oversimplifying but essentially you can choose whether to be angry with everyone, be upset, or just try and move on. Your choice.

magimedi Mon 19-Aug-13 22:07:17

Hmmmmmmmmmmm - your first post here?

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Mon 19-Aug-13 22:13:40

Were you drunk at your sisters? If so is it possible you were more drunk than you realised?

maddening Mon 19-Aug-13 22:18:39

what is sharting?

WaitMonkey Mon 19-Aug-13 22:22:42

When have you read this before Waltzing ?

TramadolDaze Mon 19-Aug-13 22:24:05

I've recently had an operation and illness that made getting to the toilet an interesting matter of great urgency at times. I'm not as young as I used to be either. Still never shat the floor though. It's all a bit odd isn't it.

MammaTJ Mon 19-Aug-13 22:27:56

Marking place to return when sober.

CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 22:28:06

Sharting = SHit + fARTING. What used to be called 'following through'.

WaltzingMatilda's memory is mistaken.

CookieLady Mon 19-Aug-13 22:39:14


NayFindus Mon 19-Aug-13 23:16:50

I've sharted before.

On holiday in India.

Dh (then dp) said 'that was quick' when food order came.

Started throwing up at 8pm (food poisoning)

Had shower to feel better then sat on toilet (naked as straight out shower) with uncontrollable pooing whilst throwing up into a basin.

Went to bed exhausted at 2am.

Had to fart about 2.30 thinking 'No. There can't possibly be anything left in there.'

Tiny bit poo ran out.

Got up, stripped bed (well sheet, was very hot there), scrubbed mattress, cleaned self and put towel on bed.

Binned sheet next day (they over charged me for mini bar so didn't feel too bad).

I reckon Op posted here, AIBU on Mumsnet, because she knows she gets away with murder as is bi-polar and family love her. I think you know you need a right royal kick up the arse op.

This ain't Netmums 'Ooh he pee'd all over me then threw up in the kids bed' 'Ooh ha ha ha men eh, he won't remember that when he sobers up'.

You need help. Get some.

MintyChops Mon 19-Aug-13 23:22:24

For a first-time poster you are scoring highly on Mumsnet bingo!!!

CookieB Mon 19-Aug-13 23:30:27

You are 42. Grow up. Maybe if you act like an adult your parents will stop treating/indulging you like a child. You really can't play down shitting on someone's floor. If a house guest did this in my house I would have the boke hmm.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 20-Aug-13 00:59:49

If you shat on my floor I'd rub your nose in it. Never ok.

CharityFunDay Tue 20-Aug-13 01:18:07

To be quite honest, I'm not remotely interested in flames about the sharting incident.

It was an unfortunate accident and if I had spotted the small piece of poo on the floor I would have cleaned it up immediately.

As it is, it fell behind my undies (which were round my ankles at the time) and I didn't notice it.

I was actually posting for advice on my current NC, so I'll ignore anything but advice on that front.

Just so as you know.

NayFindus Tue 20-Aug-13 01:34:24

Oh. Well in that case.

I think they're better off without you. You sound like really hard work.

I'm, sure you'll get back in touch when you want to use them for hand outs/free holidays.


CharityFunDay Tue 20-Aug-13 01:39:56

grin to you too.

Firstly thanks for dyscalculia. I've been saying 'dyslexia, but for numbers' for years. I knew there was a word but couldn't get it right.

Secondly, get help with the drinking. You're 42. Time, ironically, to shit or get off the pot.

Thirdly, don't get angry with family for telling the truth. You do use your Dad for stuff, you do drink too much, you did shit on the floor. The truth is a defense.

Fourthly (is that a word?), call your Mum and sort it out. She's your Mum.

WaitressRose Tue 20-Aug-13 01:54:44

Thank you for sharing that lovely story with us, NayFindus


tabulahrasa Tue 20-Aug-13 02:08:49

I think you have AS, you're bi-polar, you're not completely financially independent, you're off your meds and drinking too much...your family are probably having a bit of a panic about you and now's not the best time to just cut them off, especially as it's more likely that the panic will escalate because of it - it'll more than likely have the opposite effect than the one you want. If you don't tell them, they don't know you're ok or why you're not in contact and will assume the worst.

Pick one of them, get in touch, tell them how you're feeling ask them to pass it on, then at least they know what's going on.

garlicagain Tue 20-Aug-13 02:34:27

Having AS and bi-polar must make life quite a challenge, emotionally and practically. I think you've been doing really well, fwiw, and I think you've underestimated the strain that all this coping has put on you. It sounds to me like you're starting to crack at the edges, I'm afraid (and have been there.) Replacing your meds with alcohol is very unwise. In fact, when alcohol tells you it can help you more than your doctor, it's already got a hold on you. Reach out. Don't let the booze win.

You've got some support in your sister and mother, although I'd tend to agree they don't sound ideal. At this stage, it's wiser to settle for good-enough support than hold out for perfect, which isn't anywhere on the horizon. Reach out to them, asking for support (not financial, the other kind,) and reach out to your doctor, too. Please tell them everything, without minimising or casting any emotional/moral slant on things. Invite an informed, outside perspective, and listen to it.

MrsVestibule's post gave good, straightforward advice on fixing things with your mum & sister. Please do trust your doctor, also - or if you can't, find another whom you do trust. Your life is pretty challenging: get help with it. You deserve it smile

Thumbwitch Tue 20-Aug-13 05:10:40

Taking everything you've said at face value, which is all we can do really, I would say that you need to call your Mum sooner rather than later. What has she done, really? She has heard that you pooed on your sister's floor, it was an accident, that's fair enough - you can explain (if you haven't already) that it was just a bit you missed and you cleaned it straight up. Have you told her your side of it or not? If not, do so.

You have admitted yourself that you drink too much - it's not going to be any great surprise that your family have noticed this too, and they obviously care about you and your health and are therefore concerned about it. YOU are concerned about it. You can go to the GP to discuss it - even though you don't feel reliant on alcohol, you could still be a type of alcoholic and you need to address this situation.

Re. your sister - you say she has form for stirring and you're angry that she felt the need to tell your mum and therefore humiliate you. But stop for a second and think about it - was she doing it because she was pissed off with you? Or because she was worried about you due to the potential for alcohol abuse? REALLY think about this, don't just assume the former. And in fact, when you speak to your mum, ASK her why SHE thinks your sister told her about it.

It might seem that it's no one's business but your own how much you drink, but if you are worried about it yourself (which you appear to be) how much more worried do you think your family are, who don't actually know how much you drink but what they see is bad enough?

Anyway. I hope you find it in you to phone your Mum - the rest can come later.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 06:10:04

I cant believe what bastards some people have been to OP on this thread.

Will return with answer when have picked jaw off floor

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 06:11:50

If you are all calling troll due to the OP's slightly unusual way of writing...

She has AS.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 06:38:04

Fortunately the last two posts were amazing and supportive

Can't add much to them

But please do phone your mum.

Thumbwitch Tue 20-Aug-13 06:39:34

Not "all" calling troll, Fanjo. Just a few. Several reasonable replies too. smile

Thumbwitch Tue 20-Aug-13 06:40:56


FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 06:44:53

Yes, I meant all the people being bastards were maybe calling troll smile

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 07:16:40

I don't think people are calling troll, they are just commenting on the fact that the OP doesn't seem to give a shit about her family's feelings despite a) saying she knows she is BU b) relies on her parents for handouts at 42 and c) shat in her sisters house when pissed

What's the point in posting in AIBU if you are going to completely ignore comments relating to the bits you don't want to hear.

waltzingmathilda Tue 20-Aug-13 07:20:25

As pointed out earlier - I've read this before on another forum, several years ago.

Perhaps there are two shitters? Not entirely impossible they should both, years apart, pick forums to discuss their bowel movements, using near identical phraseology and both have the same array of social poroblems

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 07:27:51

It sounds to me as if you are using your dyscalculus as an excuse for your finances being out of control.

It sounds to me as if you are using your Bi-Polar Disorder as an excuse for drinking.

Don't cut your family off, you need them, they care about you and are obviously concerned.

I have family member with Bi-polar who self medicates with Drugs and Alcohol. After a HUGE and public breakdown, hospitalisation and multiple incidents, she is now back in control, appropriately medicated and actually able to relate to us all and we all get the benefit of her lovely company again. It has been years of anxiety and stress for everyone. It's sad that she didn't sort herself out years ago as she has missed out on so much good stuff. You don't seem 'that ill' ....yet.

Don't punish yor family. If you really feel you need distance, use it to get help and sort yourself out. All of the conditions and difficulties you have mentioned are all manageable with help and motivation.

If you prefer being out of control then perhaps you need to work out why. People with addictive tendencies can also get hooked into negative emotions and feelings.

12 Step Programmes are great. Consider them.

There is Emotions Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous that would probably suit you. There are loads of other ones. Why not look into them.

Just admit you're really screwed up. Until you do, you won't get better. If it makes you feel better, loads of us are/have been! you just have to make the decision as to whether you want to stay that way or whether you want to begin the humbling and scary journey of sorting yourself out. Good things lie at end of it, i promise.

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 07:29:35

What is 'AS' ?

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 07:34:22

AS= Aspergers Syndrome

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 07:35:10

Waltzing ,well report it then.

Of course it's too good a sarcasm opportunity I suppose

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 07:36:24


Maybe read a little about AS before posting that OP 'doesn't give a shit about her family's feelings'.


FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 07:38:36

Someone posts that they a condition that affects their social awareness so they would like some advice.

You'd think people might be slightly understanding.

But no, they just abuse the OP for not acting in socially acceptable way. Very sensitive.

And if you are right and it's just a rehash, Mathilda, the responses are still shitty and AIBU at its worst

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 07:40:59

Sorry fanjo I must have missed the bit that said anyone with AS can knowingly treat others exactly as they like despite posting on a forum saying they know they are BU but actually not wanting to listen to people who try and put across their views, and being pretty arrogant about it in the process.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 07:42:11

You are just so understanding, I am in awe

Montybojangles Tue 20-Aug-13 07:46:57

Be cross with your sister if you like for shit stirring, but why are you angry with your mother? She was given some information about you that she took at face value, and she has been motivated by worry for you and your well being.

You know your dad isn't perfect, that's why your mother left him. I think you have to accept him the way he is.

I would be pretty pissed off if you had shat on my floor, and I'm guessing that anger + concern is why your sister spoke to your mother. You need to get over it and speak to them now. Leaving it longer is only going to make it harder to contact them later.

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 07:47:23

Ah... shit OP. Aspergers. Yeah, we've all kind of thought our family member has Aspergers too. She is a bit older than you though.

D'you know what though, we love her to bits and she is funny, witty, clever, insightful and can be massively supportive. (now she has got her drinking and meds under control) How you are experiencing life at the moment isn't actually how it is. It's skewed a bit by what you have got going on and the AS. People love you even though you probably confuse and infuriate them at times.

Don't worry about the poo thing. God. You might be able to laugh about it in the future.

Good luck. I have a belief about Aspergers. I actually believe that people who have Aspergers are kind of functioning at a more advanced level than others (in lots of ways) The social and emotional issues that go with it can become manageable. I (think I) have valid evidence to support my theory too! Good luck, you have a lot of challenges but none are impossible to overcome.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 07:49:43

Sellbydate what a lovely post thanks

lougle Tue 20-Aug-13 07:54:18

OK, the first thing that jumps out at me is that you gave up an antipsychotic medication 'about one month ago'. These need to be weaned off, so that was unwise.

Secondly, meds and alcohol don't mix. You may well be damaging your liver far more than you think.

Thirdly, you say you are 'trying to cut down'. You are beings that stage. Trying to cut down is for someone who is a bit indulgent, not someone who is congratulating themselves on 'only' having 2 vodka and tonics, especially if that was a home measure of vodka because you can almost guarantee that the quantity was more equivalent to 4 pub measures of vodka, as research has shown.

Fourthly I have to agree with others that sharting is not par for the course and even if it was, unless you are very ill, you should be able to position yourself on the toilet seat sufficiently to avoid dropping faeces on the floor. If I were your sister, I too would conclude that you were to drunk to sit properly on the toilet.

How much had you had to drink on that night? Why were you drinking heavily while visiting?

Regards your Dad, are you sure he intended to refund you every time you visited, or did he offer once and you have taken it to be a standing offer?

PigOnStilts Tue 20-Aug-13 07:55:48

They are clearly worried about your drinking. Shelf the pride bullshit and deal with the drinking.

And tell your sister off for being s stirrer.

And also don't take money off parents if you don't like them, because no matter how reasonable you are about limiting an EA parent, you will just seem like a user...I speak from experience here sad

lougle Tue 20-Aug-13 08:01:23

Fanjo, I know it's hard to read threads that may see into the future of our children, but I don't think people have been intentionally unkind. The tone of the OP is very unrepentant and further responses rather curt. You can't expect everyone to see it with a knowledge of ASD and know that it covers the turmoil the OP may be feeling.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 08:03:31

Lougle..my DD sadly won't be so able I'm sure, so I am not relating to her.

It's the fact the OP has asked for advice on her social behaviour and people have said things like ' yes drop them they will be better off without you'.

Firm and sensible advice is fair enough but there have been some nasty posts. (nayfindus' and bearbehind's in particular)

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 08:04:53

I was just shocked, nothing to do with Dd, who is pretty far from having AS. Just that people wouldn't even try to be a little understanding.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 08:06:22

Maybe it's too much to expect of people that of they read someone has AS they might be a little understanding of someones responses appearing 'curt'.

I didn't think so though

lougle Tue 20-Aug-13 08:16:26

it's not, in isolation, but that added to an OP which gives the impression that the OP doesn't think she's done too much wrong, probably tipped it.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 08:19:29


But there is of course a distinct lack of kindness in some quarters of AIBU grin

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 08:20:30

I suppose I just feel for the OP.

Must be hard trying to get it right.

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 08:23:44

My post wasn't nasty fanjo I simply pointed out that the OP is being knowingly dismissive of her family yet doesn't want any advice that doesn't suit her. Having AS doesn't abdicate her of even attempting to show others consideration and allow her to dismiss everyone's opinion she doesn't agree with.

FanjoForTheMammaries Tue 20-Aug-13 08:26:17

She asked for help here, which is a good start and indicative of her trying to do the right thing, surely?

IrisWildthyme Tue 20-Aug-13 08:34:44

Hi Charity - and well done for writing it all down and seeking advice from MN - it's a good first step to getting things to be OK again (though there will be lots more steps to come)

I don't think any of your family is being particularly unreasonable. They clearly love you very much and are very concerned for you.

I don't think you are being hugely unreasonable in the same way as some of the entitled AIBU posts we see on MN a lot - obviously a lot of your recent actions are problematical but the AS, Dyscalculia, Bi-polar and possibly alcoholism issues are limiting your ability to be reasonable. One human being just doesn't have the strength to overcome such difficulties all on their own - you really need all the support your family can give you, so do not cut them off.

However, because they love you, hopefully they will be deciding now that the support they have been giving you up till now has been enabling and perpetuating an unsustainable situation. They need to change the type of support they give you to help you to change how you live. This may lead to confict and upset, but things cannot go on like this.

As other posters have said, correctly, you have not been living "independently" really as you have needed your family's support for lots of things despite living elsewhere. They will be getting worried about what will happen once your parents are too old and frail to give this support, or when they die. They may already be considering (and if you are wise you should agree to) arranging some kind of financial power-of-attorney to ensure you can't get yourself into unwise financial scrapes due to your dyscalculia. You definitely need to stop drinking alcohol, and that is going to be massively difficult. You can't make the AS or Bi-polar go away, but you can manage them well by taking the advice of the lovely people in your life who have your best interests at heart.

How you "get out of it" is to say to your family - "I am really sorry about all the things that have gone wrong. I can see I'm not managing as well as I thought I was. Please can you help me to get my life together again?" -

They love you and they will help you - but they will help you to have a functioning and non-chaotic life which may include saying "no" to some of the things you want.

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 09:10:51

I'm not sure how much help she has asked for though fanjo as it reads to me like she wants enabling on sulking until Christmas and isn't prepared to take on board suggestions that she shouldn't be allowing this situation to continue at all, let alone until Christmas.

CaptainCapybara Tue 20-Aug-13 09:30:23

I know you are embarrassed but I really think you should speak to your mum, I can't see what she has done to justify ignoring her until christmas. Give your sister the benefit of the doubt too, maybe she wasn't stirring trying to humiliate you but worried and thought maybe you would respond better to a talk about your drinking problem from your mum.

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 10:37:28

I'm not sure how much help she has asked for though fanjo as it reads to me like she wants enabling on sulking until Christmas and isn't prepared to take on board suggestions that she shouldn't be allowing this situation to continue at all, let alone until Christmas

For god sake BB she has got AS! She is trying to find a way to be flexible, it's bloody hard for people with AS!

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:15:14


OP has shat on her family. She has SHIT on her own family.

She/he has ignored all advice.

I'm bi-polar.

My mother is bi-polar.

I do not give a shit if you don't like me wiping her dumb arse care if you don't like me being honest. If charity cannot be arsed to make things better take advice/ steps to make it better, then things aren't going to get better are they???


FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 19:18:57

Wow what a lovely post.

And get my name right

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 19:25:26

There's being honest and being a rude bastard. It's a fine line

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:31:06

Yup, and there's just being petty.

FanJo, I just shit all over my family. They're a bit upset smile

Oh that's okay Charity - it's not like they're people are they? kiss kiss kiss hugs

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 19:33:13

She's got Aspergers and asked for help with managing the situation


Such ignorance and harshness on MN at the moment. Ugh

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:41:21

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NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:43:53

Communicating so well.

I mean, wouldn't want Mumsnetters to bitch about grammar and ignore the big issues now, would we???

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 19:50:48

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FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 19:52:27

Maybe you could learn a wee bit about Asoergers before criticising OP's lack of ability to see other points of view.

Or maybe don't even bother and just continue being thoroughly rude and unpleasant,

There ya go

OliviaMMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 23-Aug-13 19:53:49
FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 19:55:36

Deleted for being upset by someone being utterly rude to me and unfair to an OP with a disability.


FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 19:56:34

Calling someone rude when they have been extremely rude is hardly in uncalled for PA

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 20:02:22

It's not everyone else. Hun. It's her. I'll bet it's been several times. The family have had enough. She's losing them. Can she afford to?

tabulahrasa Fri 23-Aug-13 20:06:22

You're not allowed to insult someone - even if it's true fanjo <has been caught out with that one before>

And the OP may be 42, but that doesn't mean that she understands other people's POV or how to rectify the situation if she accepts that maybe she is being a bit unreasonable.

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 20:10:36

I appreciate that.

But it is wrong to not be able to call it rude and spiteful if someone posts making nasty comment about your username

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 20:17:42


If someone is spouting lies - comments that are UNTRUE - then that is rude.

If the truth happens to be so unpleasant that it's RUDE - then you need to change the truth fucking quick smart grin

tabulahrasa Fri 23-Aug-13 20:22:07

"If the truth happens to be so unpleasant that it's RUDE - then you need to change the truth fucking quick smart"


NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 20:24:23

If the truth - that you shit on your family - is so unpleasant that it's true - then you need to change that - do not shit on your family. Literally or figuratively. Or anyone else.

Why is that so difficult?

tabulahrasa Fri 23-Aug-13 20:50:04

The OP has among other things a disability that causes rigid inflexible ways of thinking and impairs theory of mind...that is why she's finding it hard to think about how others might view the situation or accept others opinions on it.

Would you also come onto a thread from someone who was deaf and accuse them of not being arsed to listen to what their family was saying?

Maryz Fri 23-Aug-13 20:51:50

NayFindus, your posts on this thread are coming across as rather ignorant and a bit unpleasant. I'm sure that isn't your intention, but it might be worth doing a bit of research before dismissing anyone and telling them that their family would be better off without them hmm. I'm sure the op's family wouldn't thank you for that advice.

OP, you sound very like my son. He too finds it very difficult when we show any concern about him, as he thinks that it is criticism. I think you should try, if you can, to draw a line under what has happened in the past and start again from today.

There is some very good advice on this thread, so if you can ignore the bunfight and take it that would be good.

Just remember, sometimes when people react emotionally they do and say things that you are taking at face value, but if you can try to see that it is their emotions driving their words you might find their attitude easier to understand.

They are worried about you because they love you.

Maryz Fri 23-Aug-13 20:52:52

NayFindus, do you honestly think that any of your posts on this thread are in any way helpful to the OP who has admitted that she has AS?

Do you really?

Maryz Fri 23-Aug-13 20:53:41

If you do there is something badly wrong with you and you should just fuck off.

If you don't, then how about just shutting the fuck up.

You are making things substantially worse.

HopeClearwater Fri 23-Aug-13 20:54:37

Sorry but you need to get yourself to AA.

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 20:56:20

tabu someone who is deaf can still communicate and be communicated to with sign language.

Op may have aspergers but that does not mean the whole lot of them do not need professional help in sorting out the fall out Charity's condition is leaving behind her, in fact posts supporting OP would appear to confirm this.

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 21:03:43

Maryz as someone who has issues myself, and has a mother with issues, I have sought help, got better and made the best of things.

My mother damages everyone around her, does nothing to change and says 'oh but I have MH problems'.

I have a beautiful daughter my mother knows nothing about. It's better for my daughter if she doesn't have somebody hurting her and saying 'oh, but I have MH problems' to excuse it all.

Who Maryz do you think is missing out here? Me? My daughter? My mother?

I'm off to bed now for my lovely husbands cousins wedding tomorrow. Nighty night. Sweet dreams folks. xxx

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 21:04:42

P.S. It's a trick question. We're all missing out because one of is a selfish and too dumb to change.


Steben Fri 23-Aug-13 21:07:05

Lol mamma tj

Maryz Fri 23-Aug-13 21:07:45

Well, bully for you. Aren't you wonderful hmm You just keep repeating "she has shit, literally shit, on her family" a hundred times more and feel you are being helpful. Great.

Asperger's is not a MH problem or an issue that can be treated with drugs or any other medical intervention. If you knew anything about it, you would know that talking about issues, social stories, is the only way to go.

Not repetitive ignorant shouting and insults. You know nothing at all about AS, and you don't seem to want to be educated. Congratulations, you have singlehandedly (with a little help from Bear) made sure that the OP will learn nothing from this thread.

You should be ashamed.

Steben Fri 23-Aug-13 21:16:51

Err no words

candycoatedwaterdrops Fri 23-Aug-13 21:26:57

Charity Have you sought any psychological support? I think it might be really useful in supporting you to work through what's going on with your family. I'm sure you know this but being unmedicated when you have bipolar disorder is a recipe for disaster. I know they are a bitch for weight gain but you really need to weigh up the pros and cons. I'm not sure being without meds is working so well for you. Please speak to your prescriber. Also, if you post in another forum and you'll probably get even better advice with less of the bitchy arguments. wink

CharityFunDay Fri 23-Aug-13 21:28:01

I may be a poor judge of social situations, but even I can tell that NayFindus is an ignorant arsehole. Please don't worry on my behalf, other posters, I will not be paying her any of the attention she so desperately craves.

This week, I sent each member of my family a card, telling them that I love them with all my heart, and that I'll be in touch soon.

That's all I could cope with doing. But I wanted to tell them that it was my problem, not theirs.

My social worker congratulated me on being able to do even that, so I feel slightly happier. I am looking forward to feeling able to meet up with them again (apart from my father: I need to have a serious chat with him and my stepmother about how I have perhaps relied on them a bit too much, and how I will try to be more independent in future).

Thanks to everyone on this thread, especially Fanjo who have displayed a little insight into my difficulties. I know I'm an awkward selfish cunt, and I do try to overcome it. Daily.

HappyYoni Fri 23-Aug-13 21:29:13

Do some people really not shart??

CharityFunDay Fri 23-Aug-13 21:35:59

candy thanks for your post. I'm not completely off the antipsychotics, I am still on 100mg of Lamotrigine daily, which is counteracting the ecstasy-like high I get from my two anti-depressants. (The antipsychotic I kicked was Respiridone (6mg daily)). My social worker was concerned at first, but is now supportive. I haven't seen my psychiatrist yet. No doubt she will tell me off.

Yes, it has caused an alteration in my awareness -- but I can cope with that. I didn't enjoy feeling emotionally numb, or being so obese. I feel better able to cope at the moment, and am trying to carve out some independence, mainly financial, which is difficult on benefits. I hope my family will be understanding when I get back in touch.

garlicagain Fri 23-Aug-13 21:36:44

Well done, Charity smile

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 21:40:50

Charity,,well done, you are doing awesomely well thanks

Maryz Fri 23-Aug-13 21:44:01

Well done, Charity, that's a great start. Especially the working out that NayFindus is not very nice (I'm not going to insult her as I'm sure she would love my post to be deleted).

Now you have made a start, it might be a good idea to keep a record of your interaction with your family. Try to understand why they say things to you - is it because they are angry or frightened, for example.

Sometimes I get really cross with ds because I am more able to see into the future than him, and I know that his actions are going to lead to major problems for him. He sees it as interference, I see it as trying to help. I think your families attitudes to your drinking may come from them being worried about you.

In your op you say your dad had a go at you for no reason at all. I bet there was a reason - but the reason may have been a tiny thing, that you wouldn't notice, but might have been the last straw for him. I lost my temper recently when ds got his hair cut. As far as he was concerned I was just nagging for no reason. I wasn't meaning to nag, I was worried because I knew that his skinhead was going to lead to trouble with the police.

Could your parents be the same?

SlobAtHome Fri 23-Aug-13 21:49:00

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FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 21:50:34

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SlobAtHome Fri 23-Aug-13 21:50:45

oops - this is what happens if you start a response and then walk of for a bit (for my DS) and come back later, you miss updates!

Well done OP! smile

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 21:52:02

I wont rise to it as hopefully decent posters will see it for a bitter load of bull

SlobAtHome Fri 23-Aug-13 21:52:10

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SlobAtHome Fri 23-Aug-13 21:53:28

Cool beans, suits me, if other posters read if differently that's great, I really don't mind!

Maryz Fri 23-Aug-13 21:54:16

Slob, come on shock. That was a bit unnecessary. Compare how much useful advice Fanjo has given compared to NayFindus - lumping them together was very unfair.

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 21:54:57

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FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 21:56:04

Lol not you of course Mary

It was unfair wasn't it, I am gobsmacked at the bitchery

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 21:56:46

Think I have upset slob at some point and she just had to have a wee go

SlobAtHome Fri 23-Aug-13 21:59:30

Oh sorry I didn't mean that Fanjo was nasty or anything like nay! Jeez no!

Anyway, good luck OP, great start! Christmas will be a lot happier this way smile

FanjoForTheMammaries Fri 23-Aug-13 22:01:49

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Weller Fri 23-Aug-13 22:47:55

Can you ask social worker for help with mediation, you need someone neutral a support worker. Are you being honest with your social worker, asking for help is hard for anyone esp when you may not see what those around you see. All families row and stir but I do believe they love you and may even know you better than you know yourself.

AgentZigzag Sat 24-Aug-13 02:40:38

Posters shouldn't be fucked off when others maybe don't know as much as they do about the ins/outs of AS. You could ask why are they answering if they don't know about how it affects the OP, but the OP is wanting to know how other people without AS view the situation so she can get it in perspective (I think).

I suppose I would describe myself as coming across as a awkward, selfish cunt to other people, I don't have AS but do have other shit going on, but I don't like the idea that support (financial or emotional) means the other person is owed something, and OP should bow to them whenever they see fit.

Yes, the family's behaviour could be concern, but then it could be a level of control too. A little bit of shit on the floor next to the toilet isn't an indicator of anything.

(Who'd want that broadcast/discussed across the family though?)

Arggh, but then if the OPs family is used to 'keeping an eye' on her out of genuine care, looking for the little signs that she's struggling must be part of that.

Does the OP have to accept a trade off, she gives up some of her dignity/privacy to conform to how they want her to behave?

It's that I don't feel comfortable with, and for some people it's completely necessary, only the OP will know whether she can go it alone successfully - ironically because that's the brass tacks of it, she doesn't know.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 24-Aug-13 02:59:07

Of course giving perspectives is fine and not sll can know as much about AS

BUT the OP asked for help in knowing how to act and explained she had trouble knowing how to act and some people just made no allowances and basically gave her abuse.

She in no way used AS as an excuse and even admitted it made her act badly sometimes but just wanted some guidance.

Not to be told to grow up and that she shits on people.

I was defending her against that not being annoyed people didnt know about AS smile

Have to laugh at posts saying I was being fake helpful to get attention-I hardly crave the abuse got on here ( deleted mostly) for defending OP.

And it's not personal to me either.
My DD has autism not AS

garlicagain Sat 24-Aug-13 02:59:55

Cool beans = Okay
Brass tacks = The root of the problem

^ ^ This is my AS-friendly contribution smile

AgentZigzag Sat 24-Aug-13 03:25:42

I see what you mean Fanjo, I don't think making her own decisions on contact = shitting on her family either (or that you're flaky (!)). She's sent them cards etc, which is more than I'd do if I was miffed.

Just because someone texts/phones/emails you doesn't mean you're obliged to open them, that would be a lack of control.

I keep a pretty tight control over what contact I have and with who, for my own (MH) protection. Thankfully I can do without, and I'd hate to feel indebted to someone who wasn't bothered about using that to manipulate me into doing what they wanted. I wouldn't stand for it in a relationship, and family are no different.

It's so difficult to know how involved the family needs to be on a regular basis, because that's the only way to tell whether they're being interfering or just responding to the OP in the ways they've learnt they have to over the years. (and accepting you drink too much doesn't mean your decisions/opinions can't be trusted wholesale else I'm fucked )

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