or is DH for saying we can't have another child now we have 2 cats

(43 Posts)
BettyBottersBetterButter Mon 19-Aug-13 17:50:20

I'd been pestering DH for DC number 3 for a while & whilst it was never an out-right no he'd rather stop at 2 & always changed the subject or said we'd discuss it in a few months. Earlier this year our cat died & we agreed to get another one - DC & I wanted to get 2 but DH wanted 1. One night we were having the 3rd baby debate & I could see he was less & less keen & beginning to get a bit annoyed at my constant talking about it so I said "if you agree to getting 2 cats I won't mention the baby thing again". To which he agreed & we got 2 cats. Of course my baby yearnings didn't magically disappear with the extra cat but I decided not to bring it up for a few months.

We were visiting his sister this weekend & she mentioned us having more children (in a friendly 'I know your keen but hadn't you better get a wriggle on' way) so I said I'd still love another one but DH isn't keen. He overheard & got really arsey saying I'd made a promise never to discuss it again once he'd agreed to getting a 2nd cat. She roared with laughter & couldn't believe he would plan his family around a couple of cats & that he was crazy to think I actually meant it when everyone knew how desperate I was for another baby. He was in a right huff & wouldn't discuss it other than to say we are NEVER having any more children now we have 2 cats. I (flippantly) said fine we'll get rid of the cats to which he said fine & stomped off. hmm

So, all very childish but is DH being unreasonable for thinking I honestly wouldn't want another baby when we got the 2 cats or am I for making & then wanting to break this promise? And where do we got from here....?

FutTheShuckUp Mon 19-Aug-13 17:53:53

He's told you he isn't happy to have another. Regardless of cats dogs or any other animals you may have you need to respect his wishes and let it lie now or you may end up driving a wedge between you thanks

Iamsparklyknickers Mon 19-Aug-13 17:54:03

Umm stop saying things you don't mean.

It's clearly not a flippant subject for you so don't be flippant about it.

Yes your DH is a little dim to think cats vs baby was a good deal - but if he's really adamant then he's probably taking any angle given to him, if you treat it like getting a cat then why shouldn't he follow your lead?

YABU.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Mon 19-Aug-13 17:54:25

Frankly, the cats are nothing to do with it. You can't really 'pester' someone about having a child - like you could about getting their hair cut.

The two of you need to sit down like adults and discuss your expectations for the future. If he doesn't want a third child, it's his choice, if he is reluctant, but could come round - that is something for you both to work out.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 19-Aug-13 17:55:24

Hmm, yabu, I think. You made the offer of two cats/no more baby talk, he didn't force you into it and he is nbu to expect you to stick by it.

Sorry.

Bowlersarm Mon 19-Aug-13 17:56:15

It's always difficult when one wants more children than the other.

But you are coming across as now having got what you wanted, you want to change the agreement. I'm not surprised your DH is getting in a huff.

You both sound a bit childish about a serious subject.

Naysa Mon 19-Aug-13 17:56:47

I think YABU! You've tricked him into getting cats he didn't want under false pretences and now you're trying to force him, along with family members, by nagging, into having another child?

I think you're being unfair. If he does give into your pestering the pair of you will know that he didn't want the baby. That will just cause further issues.

Imagine being that child and finding out your mum had to nag your dad over and over to have you.

Not fair on anyone in the situation tbh.

curlew Mon 19-Aug-13 17:57:06

I think you both need to grow up, frankly!

TheOnlyPink Mon 19-Aug-13 17:59:32

I think you are being unreasonable. He prob would have agreed to anything to save your feelings on saying no to another child. He doesn't want a third and the cat has nothing at all to do with it.

SilverApples Mon 19-Aug-13 17:59:41

I'm with OldLady, and so you either accept that two children is what you will have, or you continue to negotiate and hope he will change his mind, or you leave him and shag someone else to get the third.
Why did you make such a daft bargain if you didn't mean it? Haven't you read any fairytales? Rumplestiltskin? Rapunzel? grin
Swapped your unconceived for a cat. Oops.

hooochycoo Mon 19-Aug-13 18:04:01

crikey. i think a third child, and all the chaos, hard work, lack of personal and couple time that ensues would kill your marriage if this is how you both operate.

Squitten Mon 19-Aug-13 18:04:03

You sound very childish! Why would you say such a stupid thing in the first place? I'm not surprised that your DH is angry that you would treat his feelings with such flippancy. Your family members laughing at him about it is also really nice.

You cannot make him have another child that he doesn't want. So you have to choose: either you break up your current family and find another willing man to have a child with or you accept what you have. There really is no other option.

Whoknowswhocares Mon 19-Aug-13 18:07:28

Bloody hell, how manipulative!
You used not having a third child as a bribe to get your own way about an extra cat, then go back on your promise and restart the discussion. And think HE is the one being unreasonable???
He has made it abundantly clear he does not want anther child. Trying to browbeat him into it is far, far beyond unreasonable. If both of you are not in complete agreement, another child may well be he end of your relationship. As much as you might want one, if he doesn't too, then it has to be off the table. Sorry.

Stop saying things you don't mean. He's not psychic. Also, he didn't want two cats and has two cats. He doesn't want another child, you 'pester' him. Not cool.

BTW I want another and DH doesn't. We are not having another.

StuntGirl Mon 19-Aug-13 18:11:53

The one who doesn't want more children trumps the one who does. Always.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 19-Aug-13 18:13:58

When I was married it was very clear there were 4 vacancies in the household occupied by 1 child, 1 dog and 2 cats. Simple system.
Anyway in my book cats are superior to children.

BettyBottersBetterButter Mon 19-Aug-13 18:16:20

Ok so clearly AIBU & stunt girl is right (unfortunately for me hmm) - not wanting another child does trump wanting one. And for those worried we have unloved/unwanted cat(s) DH has said many times he's glad I persuaded him to get two which of course doesn't help me thinking he'd the same about a baby!!

StuntGirl Mon 19-Aug-13 18:28:38

I know it must be hard Betty when you really want a child. But focus on the children you are already lucky enough to have, the husband who loves you and the wonderful life you will have together.

You can't seriously be thinking because he was pleased that you persuaded him to get the extra cat , that that equates to him being happy about an extra baby if you were to persuade him?

Well, I think I bit unfair that others are accusing you of breaking your promise not to mention it again. It was his sister that brought the subject up with you, after all and I doubt she would let it go if she sensed an issue and you refused to speak. He was also unreasonable to ask that you never talk about it again to anybody, even if you never say anything to him. That is just as unfair on you as it is for you to keep on at him about having another child.

However, I think the cats are irrelevant. If your DH doesn't want another baby you will have to accept that. Maybe mention a couple of times a year in passing to see if he has changed his mind (people do occasionally) but leave it be the rest of the time or it will start to get old and irritating and even less likely to happen. On top of all that, the two children you have will start to wonder why they aren't enough for you and I am sure you wouldn't want them to feel they are second best to some imaginary baby that will probably never exist.

NotYoMomma Mon 19-Aug-13 18:52:47

you are being an arse

Floggingmolly Mon 19-Aug-13 19:03:21

You don't sound mature enough to have any three kids.

Maryz Mon 19-Aug-13 19:04:51

YABU. You shouldn't have said "if you agree to getting 2 cats I won't mention the baby thing again" if you didn't mean it.

It made him think that you were happy with the two cats, no baby scenario.

expatinscotland Mon 19-Aug-13 19:07:08

I hope that, as he doesn't want any more, he has taken control of contraception. If you're going to talk the talk, you should walk the walk.

SilverApples Tue 20-Aug-13 07:39:24

That seems fair, expat. It could also focus his mind on his absolute decision to have no more.

fluffyraggies Tue 20-Aug-13 07:50:01

OP* [sister] couldn't believe he would plan his family around a couple of cats*

But he wasn't. He was planning his family round something his wife promised.

I had the most incredibly strong, un-ignorable maternal drive for my no.3. Never felt anything like it in my life at that point. So i have sympathy with you.

BUT I think OP, that when you made the very childish 'cat deal' with your DH you equated the strength of your maternal instincts for a third child with fancying a second pet.

In this way you have damaged your chances of being taken seriously by your DH over this.

I think you should think hard about pushing for this. It sounds like your DH is trying his hardest to tell you how much he doesn't want any more kids.

SilverApples Tue 20-Aug-13 07:51:54

But nothing says no quite like a vasectomy.
Safer for the OP's health too.

pianodoodle Tue 20-Aug-13 08:18:13

I think it was a bit rash (to say the least) to promise you wouldn't mention it again to win an extra cat!

In your DH's eyes you've probably made the baby subject quite trivial now.

All you can do is try and bring it back to a serious discussion and see what happens.

samandi Tue 20-Aug-13 09:01:38

if you agree to getting 2 cats I won't mention the baby thing again

You shouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it confused

He's made his feelings clear. I think that the person not wanting more babies gets to decide in this situation. As other posters have said, you sound childish and not mature enough to have two kids (and two cats), let alone three kids and two cats. Just be thankful for what you have.

mumbubble Tue 20-Aug-13 09:37:49

at least you got the cats that you wanted - my DH wanted 2 cats, I didn't want any, but DH agreed that we could try for another child if I said yes to getting the cats. He changed his mind. So DD is an only and I have to deal with 2 troublesome cats which I didn't want.

specialsubject Tue 20-Aug-13 10:04:27

he's told you and told you he doesn't want a third child. You aren't listening.

where do you go from here? you stop at 2 kids or you split up and find someone else who wants a third.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 20-Aug-13 10:21:28

You sound like someone who is used to getting her own way and, if others have legitimate objections, thinks she can wheedle and manipulate her way round them. Do you actually recognise other people's feelings and opinions as real and important?

Cats are irrelevant. Answering people's questions is irrelevant. Talk to each other and stop playing silly games.

diddl Tue 20-Aug-13 10:38:14

And nice getting his sister to laugh at him by telling her about the cats.

Do people tell rellies everything??

DropYourSword Tue 20-Aug-13 11:22:15

I think it was short sighted of you to make the comment about not mentioning having a baby again if you got your way with the cat. Yes it was flippant, but your partner deserved better. However, I can really sympathize with you that you really want another baby and your partner doesn't. That's gotta be a really difficult position to be in, but unfortunately I agree with the others that if a partner doesn't want a kid their opinion trumps that of the partner that does... Not fair on a person to be forced to have an unwanted child.

Just remember, it's really nothing to do with the cats that your partner doesn't want another child. You have two children together, why don't you invest your energy in enjoying them as much as possible!

MegaClutterSlut Tue 20-Aug-13 11:39:05

Another yabu, sorry. He clearly doesn't want another child and you shouldn't pester him for another when it's blatantly obvious he doesn't want one

As others have said, stick with 2 or split up and have another with someone else as it's unfair on him to keep pestering him imo

pinkyredrose Tue 20-Aug-13 11:53:28

So basically OP you'll just say whatever you like if it gets you what you want.

Spoiled much?

wigglesrock Tue 20-Aug-13 12:03:24

We have 3 children, to say that we were both so sure it was what we wanted before trying to conceive dc3 is an understatement.

I'm taking the cats out of the equation because that whole scenario is just fuckin' weird to me. Number of kids corresponding to no of kids.

Either you both really, really want a third child or you don't even try. You don't try and persuade someone to come round, or I'm sure it'll be fine when it's here kind of thing is a recipe for disaster and is desperately unfair to all those involved.

Chattymummyhere Tue 20-Aug-13 12:09:51

My Dh wants another I'm unsure...

He does not pester me about it as that sure will make my drag my heals in the sand and state a firm no.. We joke sometimes about forgetting my pill or that he will hide it but we both no he would not and we are open to discussing 3rd being a yes or no..

Your husband sounds like he is a complete NO on the subject so even the joking with your family member will annoy him

unlike me who goes yeah yeah your turn next though anit it?? --- SIL I'm looking at you

I know if I said to Dh do this x,y,z then we will have baby no3 and he would jump to it, Your Dh jumped at do x and no baby no3

Famzilla Tue 20-Aug-13 12:36:00

OP I'm sorry to say this but your post is making you sound like a spoiled child.

Have you no respect for his feelings?

All I see here is "I want I want" with manipulation & lies to get it.

Poor bloke.

Silverfoxballs Tue 20-Aug-13 13:42:50

You sound very manipulative and it was dreadful to bring that up in front of relatives.

Jolleigh Tue 20-Aug-13 13:53:25

Being broody makes people crazy and it's hard. But you need to bring some clarity back into your thought process.

If you were already pregnant then this would obviously be a very different response from me. But right now the 3rd child you crave is conceptual. And your OH flat out doesn't want it. It takes 2 people to make a baby so forcing the subject will cause resentment.

I'd personally try to kick start a new hobby to take your mind off it. Maybe volunteer at a stray cat's home? Sounds like you'd be able to vent some of your nurtering needs that way.

Everyone else - have you never been broody? We're programmed to push for the next generation and some people feel that urge very strongly. Have a bit more empathy.

Coconutty Tue 20-Aug-13 13:56:17

Yeah sorry but UABU.

kali110 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:07:20

Sorry op but yabu. You shouldnt have made the agreement if you werent completely sure. Pets can be a big responsibility just like having kids. Maybe your dp just cant hAndle anymore to look after. No point nagging him. Concentrate on the kids and cats you have now

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