To be getting really fed up of my MIL's interference(109 Posts)
She seems to think that because she only lives ten minutes away she can just pop in to see them every week, only giving us a couple of day's notice that she'd 'like to come over and see the children for a few minutes if that's ok?'.
She's also suggested several times that me and DH should go out for a meal and she will babysit - as if I'd agree to a mad idea like that.
Last year, when I had DC3, I arrived home from hospital to discover that she'd hoovered the house and left a casserole and a shepherd's pie in the fridge. I felt totally invaded and just burst into tears.
AIBU to consider sending her an email explaining that they're our children and really have nothing whatsoever to do with her; and that if I need a babysitter I will, of course, be asking my own mother and not some random paternal grandmother?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
My MIL is the same. I feel your pain.
YANBU. My MIL behaves like this as well, always wanting to buy the dcs presents for their birthdays and Christmas. She even asked if she could hold the baby last week. I mean, he's only ten months old. Can she not have a bit of patience and wait until I've had a bit of precious time with him.
There are a couple of these now I think
She sounds very pushy, just like my MIL. You wouldn't believe how interfering she is. At our wedding she plonked herself up near the top of the church and shoved her way into the family photos. She also asked if her best friend, who's DHs Godmother, could come to the wedding. Naturally I said 'no' and then she apparently complained that 85 of our 100 guests were from my side of the family. I mean I was the bride, but that obviously didn't matter in her self entitled little world.
She's got even worse since the dcs arrived and I am trying to persuade DH to emigrate to Australia to get away from her. But he just says she's lonely because her DH and all her other children died tragically in an accident a few years ago. Well, Helloooo, we all have problems. The rest of us just don't impose them on everyone else. Honestly, the woman is so selfish and self absorbed.....
I am the first person to like my own space and not have invasions but I don't think once a week is that much. Perhaps the meals and hovering were kindness - unless there is more to this I would be grateful.
I feel your pain. Every time MIL visits she brings home made cake, she's just so presumptuous to assume I want cake. Oh, and she worms information out of DH, like what my favourite chocolates are, and now brings those as well. Bitch.
I think you should move and not tell her your new address. She can meet up with dh at McDonald's to see pics of the dc.
Failing that put CCTV in your house. Who knows what she gets up to when you are out? She could be doing the ironing or the washing up. <shudder>
It's the women that buy cake and get grumpy if you are kind enough to offer to let them take the remains home with them you really want to watch
Hmmm, this is a tough one, OP. I would let the casserole issue go as chances are you were a bit over-sensitive after giving birth. Do you think it might be easier to arrange a regular slot each week - save you both a phone call?
I think we are having our leg pulled. Well I hope so.
oh dear I gave my d in l some home made cheese straws last week and a cauliflower today (BOGOF).I will send sausage rolls next week.
OP have a look at the 'stately homes' thread in relatonships. I can't believe you have to put up with this, what will it be next week? Beef stew? Fucking slag. Cut her off and go to relate with your DH.
I love the idea of a "random paternal grandmother".
I know what you mean, OP. My MIL insists on making me cups of tea when I go round there.
And reading to the DSs. Sometimes she even makes them dinner!
I mean, is she trying to imply that I can't manage these things myself?
And if I ever ask her to babysit, she's straight round. Talk about pushy!
Wow, what a lovely MIL you have. I'm sure there are many DsIL who are [jealous] and some who would feel as you do.
I love people who miss the point entirely
I love how people just aren't getting this!
I'd move house and change your tel no (without telling her) if I were you. This is a slippery slope.
Are you going to come back, OP, and explain-have you a difficult DIL?
Well jel - although all credit to my MIL who gives me and my DC lots of space and doesn't make me feel guilty about taking up her time and energy in the way your MIL does.
Mine paid for our last holiday, circa 6K in total. She can GTF if she thinks she can BUY our love
God, sounds nearly as bad as my MIL.
The cow has bought DD some shoes and hair bits and is making us feel guilty because we can't go visit to collect them and is posting. She even phoned to check when would be best in case we have to go to the post office to pick up the parcel.
And she keeps giving the child pocket money.
And she has sent me a birthday card (early so I have it to open on my birthday) and has told DH that there is money in there and I'm to spend it on me. I mean how dare she tell me how to spend money, how interfering.
My Mil takes lots of photos of DS, she's obviously trying to steal his soul.
You think that's bad, my MIL just gave us 2 weeks use of their holiday home free. A fortnight away with only fuel to buy. The nerve.
I can't believe some posters think this is a joke. Can you not just feel the OP's pain?
My friend's MIL is the worst I've ever encountered. Five weeks ago she was given six weeks to live and has now taken to her bed and expects my poor friend to drive her four kids over to her so she can 'say goodbye' to them. My friend, quite rightly, told her if she is that anxious to see them before she dies she can take the bus over and visit them herself.
Ugh Op don't worry you are not alone. My MIL is just like this. She went a step further and actually cleaned the entire house from top to bottom while I was in hospital having DD. I mean seriously does the woman have no boundaries?!
Then when we went to stay with them, she actually had the nerve to ask me what me and DP would like for dinner. As if I can't think of what I like to eat without her butting in.
She seriously invited me to spend Christmas every year me and DP have been together too. Does she not realize I actually have me OWN parents. I am dreading telling her about the fact we're getting married. I just know she'll have to make it all about HER, taking me dress shopping, helping me chose a cake. Making the invitations. Cos it all has to be about HER HER HER.
One time she even took me aside because I 'looked upset' to see if I was ok. Where does she get off telling me if I look ok or not?! I've spoken to DP numerous times and he agrees there is a real issue here. Never gets an more specific than that though.
Sorry OP I got so into sympathizing with you I totally forgot the advice.
Best ay to deal with a toxic MIL is to be as Passive Aggressive as possible. I've found snarky comments and annoyed glares really help set boundaries. If this doesn't help it can be really affective if you use your children as emotional blackmail too.
My MIL actually bought my toddler some appropriate, thoughtfully-chosen toys today. I feel outraged. The presumption. Does she think I can't buy MY OWN SON toys? Is she saying I don't earn enough? That I neglect my son? That Happyland trumps Fisher-Price?????
Another piece of advice is to criticise every present she gives them: It's got too many small pieces; it's too advanced; they don't really like jigsaws etc. She'll soon get the message and just give you some money to choose their presents yourself, which is as it should be.
If she does force her babysitting services make sure to make some pointed remarks when you get home: 'Oh is ds still up? He normally goes to bed at 7.30' 'Oh, they're very hyper. What did they have for tea?' 'Come here DD and let me straighten your t-shirt' and so on. If you do this a few times she'll back off and leave you alone.
Arabesque - when you completel P your MIL off by writing your completely U email to her, if she lives near me and is at a loose end having been warned off her grandkids and DIL's home, she is welcome to come and do my cleaning and the pile of ironing I keep adding to, but failing to attack. I'll even cook her tea for her trouble; she sounds like a gem
And a big 'oh bless' to the posters taken in too. xxx
I'm actually a bit alarmed that one or two posters seem to think the OP is being entirely reasonable or 'a bit sensitive'.
I sympathise, but seriously get a grip!
You don't know what problems are until you deal with my MIL, she buys DD presents and likes to tell her she loves her
My mother is like this! When I was on bed rest after surgery she came round and cleaned MY house every day. She also kept taking ds out to the park as she thought an 18 month old shouldn't be climbing the walls with boredom in the middle of summer for some reason.
She told me the other week she intends to come and help me again in November when I have my second child by elcs by cleaning and cooking for me. How rude!
The cooking and hoovering are clearly goading behaviours, she is criticising your house work and cooking. She is also trying to take over. You will have to
put some boundaries down now OP. I think the email is a good idea. Perhaps you could say something like,
'Me and DH have our own childcare arrangements and have found your wanting to help a little bit intrusive, perhaps we could come to a monthly arrangement where we meet for lunch all together?'
My MIL is dreadful. She insists on buying beautiful clothes for dd as well as knitting gorgeous clothes for her. Last week I had a hospital appointment and she came and looked after dd and made me lunch. Cow. How dare she assume she knows what I like and cook delicious treats for me? And don't get me started on when we go to stay with her. It's like a little holiday, being looked after and spoilt. Bitch.
I've realised that I am a terrible MIL. I offered to buy my granddaughter some uniform and school shoes today. How could I have been so pushy and judgmental? I actually believed that her parents might struggle to afford it on their low wages! Oh god, I am beyond mortified now - her mother must hate me for being such a passive aggressive bitch. I don't know what possessed me to be so vile.
I feel your pain too - my MIL has recently offered us some money in order to get some things done in the house, replastering, wallpapering etc. Naturally, this is only being offered because she thinks my house is a dump and will only get better with her infernal interference. The bitch.
RifffyWamma I'd like to gently suggest you try and take a step back. It's good that you can see that you are being passive aggressive though. Well done.
Poor you OP. My own mother came up to stay on my birthday last week and the interfering old busybody actually had the fucking CHEEK to give the DC's their bath and read them their bedtime story so that I could "put my feet up". The NERVE of her.
And then she bloody well came and stayed for the weekend to mind the kids AND the dogs while DH and I went away on our own overnight to a beautiful hotel. She was so fricking NOSY when we got back, it was all "did you have a good time" and "let me know the next time you want a night off". Jesus!!! When will she realise that it's MY life and she should stay out of it?????? Bitch.
Ooh, we can tell its getting towards the end of the holidays can't we?
she sounds quite nice and caring. How lovely of her to make food for you and to clean your house and offer to babysit.
i would put up with it tbh.
My damn MIL pays for the kids school fees, takes us skiing at Easter...and helps out with childcare during the holidays. Entitled bitch! How dare she!
Omg I totally needed this thread..
Omg I need more of it - its not a thread uts THERAPY ...
Thank you! xxx
I mean ITS therapy not UTS getting carried away ..
Mine is just the same. Always wanting to take DD out, buying her clothes and taking her trampolining. The bitch
I feel your pain. My MIL is a similar interfering cow. She knits and sews the DDs lovely outfits which they enjoy wearing. She sends them little packages of treats for birthdays, Easter and Christmas. Sometimes she even buys them chocolate!
If she comes to visit, she makes me cups of tea! In my own home! And does the washing up without being asked.
And when we visit them, it's a nightmare. We travel by public transport, so she actually takes it upon herself to meet us at the other end with appropriate car seats- she will even buy nappies in the right size. She says it's to save us carrying everything, but I'm sure it's because she doesn't think I'm capable of catering for my baby's needs.
Mine has just called offering me her gorgeous antique sideboards. She's even going to have them delivered for me. Cow thinks I've no taste, doesn't she!!
(Actually she might have a point, but still!!!!)
My mil is the worst!
She knits - constantly. Our drawers are full of lovely handmade blankets, cardigans, jumpers etc. doesn't she realise I have enough stuff for the next two years?
She always turns up with shopping to offload. Salmon, steaks, formula, nappies in fact anything with the excuse of 'it was on offer' I know it wasn't! I'm not a charity case.
Texts pretty much everyday, would you like some company? Must drive you mad being stuck in ( we are potty training atm)
Mil and fil have landscaped my garden despite me liking a jungle and fil is quite often dispatched upstairs to do a spring clean... I do clean honest mil!
Love them really :-)
I love mine too. She is fab and would do anything for us, any time. So much so that you have to be careful what you say. If any need or want is half mentioned, it'll be winging its way...
Hence the sideboards
I said she was mad to give them up, she insisted as she says she fancies something more modern. I only half believe her TBH.
Do send an email and swiftly. You must establish boundaries, Relate, can help with this, otherwise you will be in for a lifetime of misery; years of cooking and cleaning and general space invader - sion.
I really feel your pain. I told my MIl expressly not to give DC's sweets under any circumstances and yet, lo and behold, they come back looking sheepish, and she did it didn't she. She opened up that bag and gave them a bloody boiled sweet each.
Mine is notoriously difficult to control, so I knew I had to come in hard and strong. So I got Dh to speak to her and our dentist to drop to her a line about the damaging effects of sweets on young teeth, then I followed up by asking the DC's to wear black gum shields the next time they saw her, she nearly fainted and said what's happened to them, I said sucking in breath, ": You tell me, looks like they have lost their teeth, someone must have been giving them sweets behind my back". She went into floods of tears and general drama queen hysterics, bull about just wanting them to have one sweet FFS.
Anyway, DH threatened to cut her off, said he would always stand by me and the DC and if she wanted to see them again, she must obey our rules. To the L.E.T.T.E.R .
You did the right thing yoni, I hope she learnt her lesson....
My MIL brought some clothes for my DD which totally didn't fit, so she took them back and gave me a gift voucher to get her something. Sooooooo pushy.
I am totally loving this thread. I get so depressed reading thread after thread about horrible Mils / Mums.
This has really cheered me up. Well Done OP.
These stories are so distressing. Thankfully my MIL is fantastic. She is so thoughtful and takes great pains not to smother us or impose - why, sometimes she leaves 6 months between phone calls/visits, which must be so hard for her as she only lives 5 minutes away and the temptation to see her grandchildren and son must be huge! Unfortunately, her other DILs are not so lucky, and she can't seem to help herself from spending time with them, caring for their children, decorating for them and so on. We must be her favourites. She even pretends to forget how to spell my name on cards, or how to say our granddaughter's name, so that she doesn't come across as too possessive or overbearing. When our sons were little she made sure they didn't become spoiled by very considerately not buying them fussy presents, eg ones that were unbroken or from actual shops rather than boot sales. Sadly her other grandchildren fared much worse and she cruelly gave them appropriate presents that they actually enjoyed, FFS.
Minty boundaries key word.
Get them up and get them up fast.
Once they are up, keep them up and make them bloody high.
Chunder see my previous post- these Mil's need to get to grips with their place. Seriously you'd think some of them were trying to fit in with their Dil's. it's like they were the DH'a mums or something. Weirdos.
Thanks yoni, I really need to po
Thanks yoni, I really need to point out that the bathing/bedtime stories/staying in every Saturday night are MY special things and that I want to do every single one of them. FFS DS1 is only 4, I need to bond with him....
Wiffy you are soooooooo lucky with your MIL. Such clear boundaries. <jealous>
Oh! Strange premature post cut off at unfortunate point!!!
My bitch of an aunt brought my son books the other day. Books!! I can't believe she thought that she had any right to do that. And she then has the cheek to sit and read them to him.
And to make matters worse, this morning she actually told me to stay in my nice warm bed and she would go out in the freezing cold frosty morning to take him to daycare and that I should relax and enjoy my holiday sleep in while I got the chance.
Then, when I finally dragged myself out of bed at an unreasonable time of the day, I discover that she's done all the washing up. All of it!
How bloody dare she!!!! I think I need to call a nursing home and get her admitted as soon as possible. I just can't live like this!
It isn't only we MILs who are hard work, sometimes a DIL can overstep the boundaries too.
My DIL makes me delicious cakes, or gives me little treats to cheer me up. How controlling is that?!
Argh! Tell me about it! My mil is just the end! She comes over with the gardener and completely rips out shrubs and trees and then lays down turf - just to make our lawn bigger! She'll send a chap round to trim the hedges or cut back all the weeds.
If we want to go out she'll come over and baby sit dd, yet when we get home the dishwasher is empty and the baby is completely asleep! Inconsiderate!
She totally ruined dd's 1st birthday by bringing a roasted piece of beef as she knew I couldn't afford it on top of everything else and people raved about it, to rub it all in she bought another piece over for me & dh to have as 'she didn't think we got any'.
She's ruined my life!
Yeah my mil is a right number! She's only gone and died! How rude! She knew I was relying on her for childcare, she knew that I let her spend time with me, I let her cook and clean for me! I even lived with her! How very DARE she leave me!
Sister, I think it's time you went no contact. Don't visit the grave, destroy all photographs of her, ban your DH and DCs from mentioning her name. It's the only way you'll escape her manipulative emotional abuse.
All my in-laws are interfering. While we were on holiday with them recently they had the cheek to take DD to the beach several times and buy her ice creams. Her aunt even took her out in the early evening for pancakes and refused to let me pay!
One of her little cousins just wouldn't leave her alone. Kept holding her hand while walking in the street. FFS he's nearly two, he doesn't need to hold the hand of a nine year old.
MIL even had the nerve to buy me a new top that I admired. And FIL paid for the whole holiday.
And MIL totally took over when the other DIL had to leave early to go back to work so that BIL couldn't look after their twin toddlers all by himself.
My MIL is the worst of all, she steals my kids of me when I'm at work <and> feeds them <and> does bath time.
She even has the cheek to take the day off work to look after them when I had the most horrendous headache so I could go back to bed.
If my mum empties MY dishwasher ONE more time while she's looking after MY kids when I'm at work or brings me ANOTHER home made pie, I'm gonna knock her over the head with a frying pan
Don't get me started on the ironing.....
My PIL have offered to buy our long awaited DC the pram/pushchair. And this after she quietly took me aside and asked how I was. Of course that was a veiled allusion to knowing how long we've been trying and remembering my mc. And being all empathetic because she had 13 mcs before my DH arrived. I mean.... Does she think I want her lovely quiet support and marmalade ? Marmalade ? It's not like its the best in the world and bump loves it. Christ on a bike she's just too fucking thoughtful and nice.
I'm just girding my loins for a visit to theirs this weekend where I know my FIL will insist on ensuring I have the best and comfiest sun lounger and make sure my favourite hot sauce is on the table for lunch AND breakfast.
AND to add insult to all these bloody injuries my MIL will make her delicious home made sausage rolls and chocolate cake just for me.
Fuck me I need a lie down now I've had to think about the indignities I'll have to suffer this weekend.
I'll need you all to be here for me. TIA
My MIL is such an attention seeker.
Last Christmas DH insisted we invited her to our house because FIL had just died and she has no other family. It was very selfish of him because we always have loads of my family over on Christmas day and could do without an extra person. But I'm a bit of a softie so I said okay, but there wouldn't be room for another person at the dining table so she'd have to eat her Christmas dinner by herself in the kitchen. But DH said she wouldn't like that and would feel 'excluded'. So we all ended up totally squashed around the table so that this selfish woman could be happy.
WIBU to suggest we skype her this Christmas and all toast her a Happy Christmas as she sits in front of the telly with her cat eating a turkey sandwich?
My MIL had the audacity to buy all of DDs first school uniform after checking with me that she wasn't "treading on my toes". Shes's always buying clothes for the kids as well as looking after them 1 day a week since DD1 was 6 months old (even went reduced her hours and went PT so she could have DD whilst I went to work!!). She insisted on having DD during my maternity leave so I could have some time alone with DD2.
I definitely win the prize for most annoying MIL.
Last Summer she asked her if we would like to use her car while she was on holidays. I mean, why should we take care of her bloody porsche while she's off sunning herself in Marbella. Then she sent us a postcard saying the weather was gorgeous and she was having a great time. Talk about rubbing our noses in it.
Then a few months ago she died and left us her mansion, her fortune and a load of shares. You would not believe the hassle it has been getting her will probated so we could get our hands on everything. We have 3 dc so are very very busy. You would think she would have probated her will herself, before she died. But that would have been thoughtful and considerate. Two words that were not part of my late MIL's vocabulary.
I love the posters missing the humour on this thread!
I know Wallace. Just illustrates how OTT some of the genuine MIL threads are.
GOD I am so pleased you get it. Mine lives in the next street. But darn her, she never offers unsolicited advice, never pops round, is always cheerful (trying to PA me I'm sure), takes my son (her DSGS) to water the plants and gives him bloody biscuits, is humourous (showing me up as joyless no doubt) buys her DSGSs birthday presents that are not only age appropriate and fun but not annoying, NEVER EVER INTERFERES, only hangs around when invited to. AND gives us lifts to nearby restaurants so we don't have to waste money on taxis (CONTROLLING). OH and the one time she did call this house on the phone she had the cheek to apologise for disturbing us as she had found some pririton her son MY DP had just asked her for. Passive aggressively commenting on my inability to look after MY family. I mean, she really needs to learn how to let go. I'm the matriarch now!
DO not even get me started on SIL> as well as having bloody fixed me up with DP, working downstairs from me, being one of my closest friends who always calls to check how I am-CHUH, I actually bloody like her. Cowbag.
Oh you can have mine op. She is sooo thoughtful. She tells everyone at birthdays/Christmas not to get anyone elses kids anything because they have so much already and they won't appreciate it anyway, and that we're embarrassing ourselves because they don't do things like that in her family. And you don't get anything for the grow ups, no not even if they have cancer, because she sent flowers to them from all of us. And it's disgusting them asking for money for charity - you don't ask for money.
She's so good with dd too. When dd had that phase where she bawled her eyes out about visiting Nana, and I (shit stirring of course ) said well you don't have to go, she shot right back 'Yes I do. Mummy doesn't want me', and she was only 2.
Bless. Lovely MIL going to such lengths just so I can have some relaxing downtime. Ain't she sweeeeeet?
Twisted, I just can't BELIEVE your MIL didn't probate herself before she died. Utterly, shockingly selfish. You poor thing. Here, have some .
at 'Fucking slag'
OP back. My MIL is getting worse. It was DS1's birthday yesterday and she asked if she could drop around with a present. I said no she couldn't because we were planning a nice family day. So then she asked if she could leave it in the day before his birthday and I again said no my parents and sisters were coming over for a little party with cake and a bouncy castle. So then she asked if she could just drop his present on the doorstep this morning and sneak back into her car without bothering us. So I just exploded and told her to fuck off and leave us alone and stop pestering the DC.
FIL and SIL have now both been on the phone to DH saying I am selfish, unwelcoming and treat MIL like dirt. God knows what lies she's been telling them .
Oh to the good old reverse AIBUs.
Your DIL sounds like an idiot.
But then, you already knew that I am sure!
No HaveIgot I am totally genuine. I mean, this is the woman who complained a while back that the dc wouldn't know what she looked like they see so little of her. So I said I would put a photograph of her in the sitting room, but no, that wasn't enough apparently......
"If my mum empties MY dishwasher ONE more time while she's looking after MY kids when I'm at work or brings me ANOTHER home made pie, I'm gonna knock her over the head with a frying pan angry"
Over the years I seem to have trained my mil perfectly.
they dropped in on sunday for the first time in 6 months, having given us 3 days notice. They only stayed an hour as they were delivering one set of other grandchildren home, who had been staying with them for a full week, and then picking up the other set of grandchildren who are going stay with them for 2 weeks until school restarts.
thank god our children have never ever been invited to stay at their grandparents, I just don't know HOW sil and bil and their spouses put up with this constant KIDNAPPING that goes on every school holiday and half term. And when their other grandchildren stay, mil insists on buying them clothes!!! Taking them for days out!!! To the cinema!!! McDonalds!!! I mean, if she carried on like that with my kids she would get a telling right off for interfering in what they wear and what their little eyes and stomachs are exposed to!!!
And they live at the seaside too, how awful for sil and bil to have their children taken away to a place full of seagull shit several times a year. Thank god she is respectful of our boundaries and lets our children stay in the safety and comfort of their own home 365 days a year.
Yeah that sounds a bit much.
If she doesn't see them for a week, she'll be forgotten
not from lack of trying
Well I sympathise. I expect you like to make your own casseroles to make sure only organic veg from Waitrose are used if you have run out of your own homegrown ones. And of course sterilised gloves when handling your baby and a face mask for germs. Some people have no consideration for others.
My MIL is always causing trouble.
She has a holiday home in Cornwall and she texted DH last week saying 'why don't you all come down here for a holiday'. I assumed she was giving us the house to ourselves so you can imagine my dismay when we arrived and she opened the door with a big smile on her face.
I decided I was not going to give her the satisfaction of a row so I just marched straight past her and up to our bedroom where I unpacked my stuff making sure to slam the wardrobe door at regular intervals. When she asked what I would like for dinner I just shrugged my shoulders and when she put some fish fingers on the grill for the dc I just said politely but coolly, 'actually they don't eat processed stuff like that. I'll make them some scrambled eggs'. By about nine o'clock she obviously realised that she was behaving like a spoilt brat and gave a big martyred sigh and said she would book into a local B&B.
The following morning we went down to the beach and would you believe it, there she was sitting in a deck chair soaking up the sun. Well, I just marched straight up to her and said would she mind leaving as myself and my family were planning to spend the day there. She just gathered up her stuff and left without so much as a goodbye or a wave to the dc. Cow!
She's kept out of our way since then but, to be honest, I'm just not enjoying this holiday. DH is behaving most oddly. He doesn't want to come on any outings saying he's 'too embarassed to show his face'. I hope he's not becoming agoraphobic.
And the locals are very odd. When I walk in anywhere they stop talking, shoot me filthy looks, and turn their backs on me. Very rude! I can only assume that MIL has upset them all and they're taking it out on me. Typical of the bloody woman. She can't go anywhere without causing trouble and bad feeling
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