Your whole life.

(49 Posts)
copperred Wed 07-Aug-13 19:52:14

Can I ask people when they had their first little baby where they able to do much else a part from things with little one.
I breastfeed my little one who is 5 months old and I don't get a lot else done a part from things with my little one. Which I haven't got a problem with. But I keep having close family saying when I had mine I was able to do this. Or saying other people have more than one child and can get loads done!!
Or am I just useless and should I be able to get more done?

littlewhitebag Wed 07-Aug-13 19:54:16

What sort of things? Normal housework and cooking etc or going out to meet friends go shopping etc?

Pozzled Wed 07-Aug-13 19:58:14

You're not useless. It's really hard with a new baby, especially when it's your first. When you have your second, you do get more done, but I think that's partly down to experience and partly just because you have to!

Try to ignore what people are saying- it doesn't matter what anyone else did or did not do. What matters is whether YOU are happy with your life at the moment. If it works for you, great. On the other hand, if you do want more time for other things, then I'm sure people here could advise you on that too. smile

TheFallenNinja Wed 07-Aug-13 19:59:32

Don't sweat it, people always talk bollocks to new parents.

McNewPants2013 Wed 07-Aug-13 20:00:55

What things.

When ds was 6 months I had to go back to work, so at 5 months I had to get my butt into gear.

When dd was 5 months I still had 6 months ML left so I proritised spenting time with her.

copperred Wed 07-Aug-13 20:02:51

More doing jobs. I do manage to get out and about.
My parents have got a small holding which we live on. And it's more working with the animals and stuff round the house. But some days I get very little house work done.

namechangesforthehardstuff Wed 07-Aug-13 20:07:39

Fuck 'em.. Your life not theirs. MIL went on at me once or twice.about how she had three dcs and managed to do all the housework but given that at least two of her dcs hate her maybe less ironing and more time with the kids might have been a good idea...

Actually she went on at DH who told her to ARGUE

namechangesforthehardstuff Wed 07-Aug-13 20:08:32

STFU not argue...

ratbagcatbag Wed 07-Aug-13 20:11:15

Nope. I have a five month old too, have done bugger all in the cleaning department. If I get dressed and get the washer on and then washing out its all out cheer leading. I've got a cleaner starting as I've just given up. smile

Mintyy Wed 07-Aug-13 20:11:45

Having a newborn is totally different to having a 5 month old.

Yes, I was able to have a bit more of a life with a 5 month old. I would have been down to a regular 4/5 feeds a day at that point, and had a fairly happy soul who would tag along on all sorts of sorties by then.

It is certainly easier than having two very young dc.

IsisOhIsis Wed 07-Aug-13 20:13:52

Have you read "what mothers do" by Naomi Stadlen? It's really reassuring. You're completely normal and if other people have a problem with it then they can help out or butt out xx

LimitedEditionLady Wed 07-Aug-13 20:20:41

I have a two year old and i remember the baby months.I didnt get the housework done in the day,i spent the day focused on baby so obviously yes i still washed the bottles and put his washing on and i did when he was starting solids put his food on to make batches of home made food for him but i did this when he was sleeping.Its very tiring in the early months,i was shattered my baby woke up through the night for a very long time so dont think that you arent good enough because you are holding baby whilst pushing a hoover with the mop shoved up your ass,personally is rather in the day spend my time with ds.I still do my housework in the evening when hes in bed other than little jobs that he helps me with because its easier.Youll find your own way,people will never stop nit picking,its what they do

MisselthwaiteManor Wed 07-Aug-13 20:21:09

I have an 8 week old and most of the housework gets done when my husband is home. While I'm alone with her I don't get much done because it's constant feeding and shes a clingy baby, but sticking her in a sling in between feeds has enabled me to put the washing on, get myself some lunch etc. I would seriously recommend a sling if you haven't already got one.

CorrineFoxworth Wed 07-Aug-13 20:24:19

DD, back at work full-time by the time she was three months old and it was awful. DS years later, I did sod all apart from BF and basic household stuff, much better and nicer.

IsThatTrue Wed 07-Aug-13 20:27:55

When I had dd everything I did centred on her. I felt there was no time for anything else.

Now I have 3 dcs I can barely even think what took up all my time, especially as she was bottle fed.

The lure and simple fact is this comes from experience and necessity. You still have to clean and cook dinners when there are other children around. But tbh everyone I've known has said the same. Don't worry about it. I doubt you'll ever look back and say 'I spent too much time making my baby happy' smile

Rufus43 Wed 07-Aug-13 20:34:12

Don't worry, the past is flexible and people only remember the bits they want to in the way they want to

If someone had their children years ago there is no way they would remember the state of their house or how they filled their's probably wishful thinking!

Dorris83 Wed 07-Aug-13 20:44:57

I have a 4 month old and do the bare minimum. I do laundry, a bit of cooking but mostly I feed the baby, play with baby, read to my baby, feed the baby ...

It's bliss. But I can imagine that it would be ruined if other people looked down their noses at me.

I don't think you need to change a thing

CorrineFoxworth Wed 07-Aug-13 20:47:26

I remember being very proud that my house looked lovely when the HV came round after I had DS. DD was at junior school so out all day and hardly made any mess unlike now and everything was shining (excessive nesting helped - I was a woman obsessed pre-birth)

I was just seeing the HV out when I realised that I had my top on inside out. Bless her, she didn't bat an eyelid for the entire visit and just laughed when I looked mortified!

spotscotch Wed 07-Aug-13 20:52:36

See I was the total opposite. When ds was new born/very young he was the most placid thing ever. He was not a big mover either so I could put him down for quite a long time and get loads done. My next group used to talk about how difficult things were and I would just sit there and nod, not being able to relate at all. for me, that bit was easy!

Fast forward to now and he is just about to turn 2 and has just dropped his afternoon nap. And is no longer very placid or a non mover. My house is a tip, arrgghh!

I would ignore these comments. From what I see on mumsnet and in rl, the norm is to have a tricky time of it when they are very young. And of course course people also have a habit of bending the truth when it comes to these sorts of things. [Smile]

spotscotch Wed 07-Aug-13 20:53:47

Nct group, not next!

MoominMammasHandbag Wed 07-Aug-13 20:54:07

Yep I was like you when the first was fiver months; by the time I had three under 5 I was bloody supermum and DS4 was an absolute doddle.
Having your first baby is a massive learning experience and not all babies are equally easy.

DfanjoUnchained Wed 07-Aug-13 20:58:53

My ds is 7 months old.

Apart from the usual feeding, bathing, playing and changing him, I go to baby classes, meet with friends and have tea and cake, go to my mums/sisters house, go to the park. That's about it!

They're very high needs at this age so I don't get to do a lot of stuff for just me anymore. Won't be for long though.

CailinDana Wed 07-Aug-13 21:52:41

It's worth remembering that attitudes towards child rearing have changed hugely since we were babies. Our mothers were encouraged to formula feed at 4 hour intervals and were told that holding a baby too much was "spoiling" them and "making a rod for your own back." Underlying that was the belief that a woman at home was there to look after house and husband first and foremost. Babies shouldn't get in the way of their "duty." Thankfully all that bollocks is slowly losing its grip.

Some older women have commented to me that they're jealous of the fact that these days were "allowed" to be so "soft" with our babies. It's sad really.

Your job as a mum is to care for your baby. If you can fit other things in around that, great. If you can't who cares?

MrsDeVere Wed 07-Aug-13 21:59:17

When I had my DD, 21 years ago, I was doing well if I could get out of the house before lunch time.

My little flat was untidy and not particularly clean and I only had to cook for myself.

DD was looked after, fed and clean and always looked lovely.
I was not grin

I have five DCs now. Three still at home.

By the time I had DC5 I could have all the little ones out the house by 7.30am ready for the school run. I would be fully dressed and even have some make up on (if I felt so inclined).

It took me NINETEEN years of practice to get to that point.

So stop worrying and enjoy your lovely baby. smile

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin Wed 07-Aug-13 22:01:59

When I had DD I juggled flaming swords while cooking a healthy, balanced dinner and writing my great novel.
When I had DS I slobbed around in my dressing gown eating crisps and watching BOB the builder on repeat grin
Whatever works for you - if not "getting stuff done" is stressing you out, that's a bit of a problem. If you're perfectly happy then it's fine.

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin Wed 07-Aug-13 22:02:18

I may have exaggerated both of those slightly grin

CheshireDing Wed 07-Aug-13 22:05:11

I hear you but definitely ignore what IL's say.

PFB is 20 months and I massively stressed from the first couple of months trying to bf, then put her down so I could literally run to the dryer in the garage and up stairs for the next loads of washing. She used to cry as soon as she was put down but I really felt because I was at home the house should be clean and tidy for when DH got back from work. Once we got a sling that did help me do the laundry but I could never vac up or do the ironing because she was a feeding monster !

I gave up after a couple of months and as others have said told DH I would tidy up in the evenings, he wasn't bothered anyway and sid just to concentrate on the baby.

Just feed, eat crumpets, drink tea it won't last long grin

LimitedEditionLady Wed 07-Aug-13 22:41:14

Aww i love this thread,kind of making me broody ( and i so havent felt broody these last two and a half years) but now i think back to when ds was tiny ( now a giant opinionated toddler man) i think awww i loved that time x

ElephantsEye Wed 07-Aug-13 22:53:14

I bf DD (my first) and DH used to tell people that she fed 'every hour, on the hour, for an hour'. I'd start a feed at 2pm thinking, the minute she sleeps I'll start making the tea. I'd still be there, with her latched on, when DH came in at 6pm! He was quite chilled about it fortunately.

There's a poem:
“Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I’ve learned, to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.”

You are not useless: you are doing something very important.

Gruntfuttocks Wed 07-Aug-13 23:07:27

Your family sound ignorant and unsupportive. I used to spend entire days sitting on the sofa breast-feeding, or at least that's how I remember it. You need to ignore them (not easy I know) and do what suits you and baby best. As others have said, you do get better at managing second tim round, but as long as everyone is fed, watered, washed and changed reasonably regularly, I reckon that's good enough. None of it lasts for ever, and you do eventually get some time back for yourself, just not yet awhile...
Good luck and just enjoy being a Mum!

WilsonFrickett Wed 07-Aug-13 23:09:41

Totally limited also love that a pp mentioned 'What Mothers Do...' which is the book I buy all new mothers I know.

The jobs can wait. They'll always be there. Your baby won't.

pigsDOfly Wed 07-Aug-13 23:11:16

Agree with what everyone else has said. You're not useless. Babies especially first babies are incredibly time consuming.

All these wonderfully organized people who ran multinational businesses whilst their beautiful babies gurgled in their prams are talking bollocks. They 'remember' what they think they remember.

I seriously believe my exMIL 'remembered' that all her children sat up at the table and fed themselves with a knife and fork from around 3 months; at least that's the impression she gave when my eldest was a difficult eater.

Spend time with, and enjoy your baby, forget the housework. Your baby will benefit and so will you.

Aspiemum2 Wed 07-Aug-13 23:16:29

Completely agree with rufus, people don't always remember things very accurately - and generally seem to think they coped better than they did.

I am guilty of this too - there's a pretty big gap between my eldest and the twins and I remember thinking back at how easy the baby years had been. Now I'm back in the baby years and eating my words!!

When I had my eldest it all seemed ridiculously difficult, I barely did anything but feed him, clean him, and wash his clothes. When I had my DD, (number 4) I came home form hospital, took DS2 to a party, picked him up, cleaned the house and made dinner.

It's completely normal to do nothing but look after the baby with your first, and to add completely normal to stress over everything when it's happening for the first time, (DS1 is 14 now and that means a whole lot of new things to worry about that will doubtless be easier with DD).

Ignore anything you don't find helpful, and enjoy your new baby smile

BrokenSunglasses Thu 08-Aug-13 01:26:00

So you get out and about, it's just some days you get next to nothing done in the house.

Sounds perfectly normal and reasonable to me seeing as you have a five month old baby.

You will never look back and wish you hadn't bothered focussing so much attention on your baby, but you could well look back and wish you hadn't worried so much about housework.

QueenoftheHolly Thu 08-Aug-13 01:34:54

My DM gave me one piece of advice which applies to babies & in fact pregnancy. If you're the average person you will get to experience having a baby just a handful of times in your whole life, and the time is measured in months (ie relatively very short!). Whatever you do don't waste it.

I remembered that every time I felt like I should be doing more.

My DS is now 7& half months & its still full on but it does get easier in some ways. But then at baby weighing I look at the teeny tiny new babies and sort of feel amazed & oddly abit sad that that time has been and gone already with him. I'm glad I made the most of it and I told my DH that if he had an issue with housework he could do it himself or organise a cleaner (which he did) & if he wanted roast Sunday lunch he could figure it out himself - which he did!!!

copperred Thu 08-Aug-13 07:07:08

Thank you every one for your replies, they are a great to hear.

insanityscratching Thu 08-Aug-13 07:20:59

I think a lot depends on the baby tbh ds1 needed a lot of nursing and so it was hard to do much more than the basics. By the time I had 4 under the age of 7 I could easily feed, bath and dress a baby, get a toddler organised, one to nursery and one to school, sort breakfast and clear away, peg out a load of washing and put another load in by 9.30 in the morning.
You are doing your best just give it time.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Thu 08-Aug-13 07:39:57

I found a baby far easier than a toddler, I was back at my desk, at home, just days after giving birth.

A mobile toddler though, was very hard work.

Everyone is different, I'm structured, driven and organised - and probably a PITA. If you are happy and relaxed, that's fine.

Whatever you do and however you go about it, just enjoy the precious time with your baby, because time flies by.

LazyFaire Thu 08-Aug-13 07:45:59

It's more important for you LO that you get out and about, unless your house is actually in such a state you might get ill!

My house was a tip for about the first 18 months!

you aren't alone. I got a load of this from mil when mine were little. she always had to have the house spotless/meal on the table/etc and did just fine. then she tells stories of days so bad she fed my oh solely on junk coz she could fling it at him whilst getting the other stuff done.

so a) there's a lot of wearing of rose tinted glasses
b) times change and so do priorities. most people now would leave the hoovering rather than feed their kids crap of the choice was presented to them

CailinDana Thu 08-Aug-13 08:45:26

My ds was only 2 when dd was born and i'd already forgotten how time consuming the baby stage is! Both my and dh's parents had completely forgotten - as MIL said her last memory of looking after "children" is from when dh and bil were stroppy but totally self sufficient teenagers. It's easy to forget just how much looking after a baby needs.

I do remember when DS2 was born thinking back to when DS1 was tiny thinking "hmm "wtf did I do all day?!" grin because with DC2 you sort of HAVE to get on more.

BUT BUT BUT I also look back to those precious early 6-8 months with DS1 with real pleasure - you could "sleep when baby sleeps" and just ENJOY him.

Eyesunderarock Thu 08-Aug-13 08:57:16

'BUT BUT BUT I also look back to those precious early 6-8 months with DS1 with real pleasure - you could "sleep when baby sleeps" and just ENJOY him.'

I thought I was the only one that did this. I slept when she did, learned that dawn was beautiful and just spent the first 4 months doing nothing but being in love.

scallopsrgreat Thu 08-Aug-13 09:05:18

When DS2 was 5 months he was still feeding every 1-1.5 hours (unless by some miracle he was asleep for 2 hrs). I also had a toddler who of course never slept at the same time so got very little done in terms of housework.

With DS1 he was feeding every 3-4hrs by 5 months so it was so much easier although at that time when he slept and for how long was still sporadic so it was difficult to plan and sometimes difficult to finish jobs! He also slept through the night by then so tiredness wasn't really a factor.

As people have said upthread, it really depends on your baby and your parenting style. DS2 wouldn't be put down at all for any length of time (slings are good) until he was moving (which thankfully was at 6 months!) DS1 was quite happy on his mat for 20 mins whilst I did the washing up.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Your baby is the most important person. Housework will always be there!

CocacolaMum Thu 08-Aug-13 09:32:37

when I had my babies I made a point of saying a big fat YES to offers of help - that's the only way my house was prevented from becoming unliveable. I accepted the fact that I was just going to be a milk and cuddle machine for a while, that time never ever comes again so don't miss out on it x

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Thu 08-Aug-13 10:48:42

I even enjoyed the night feeds, it helped that DS was born in May, so the nights were warm.

I loved that I wasn't juggling anything else whilst he fed, everything was peaceful and I just loved that time being so close to him.

formicadinosaur Thu 08-Aug-13 10:59:18

I think they have selective memories or very very relaxed undemanding babies. Your baby needs you and you want to spend time with it. At least you have your priories right. Baby is only young once.

formicadinosaur Thu 08-Aug-13 11:01:33

My babies were all waking twice a night at 5 months. I was exhausted and trying to take things easy but enjoy little one.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now