To be upset that I've been told by relative we've spelt DD's middle name wrong!

(162 Posts)
lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 19:00:01

so, we got a card from this relative at the weekend as it was a special occasion. Which was nice of her. In the card was a letter, 'that's nice' I thought. But the sole purpose of the note was to say we'd spelt DD's middle name wrong. We gave her 2 middle names, after nan's on both sides. 2 nan's had the same name, but she wanted to point out that her mum did not spell it how we have. She did it in a 'hope you don't mind me noting but....' way which really pissed me off.

We tried to do a nice thing by including both nan's and spelt it how we liked it (the normal way, we didn't do some random modern twist!). I just don't get the point of her saying anything. What does she expect us to do?! why say anything?!

I know I just have to ignore it but can anyone explain to me what her thinking was?!

Doshusallie Wed 07-Aug-13 19:01:34

I assume, if she thought (rightly?) that you wanted to name your daughter after a mutual relative, that you might have wanted to use the same spelling.

I wouldn't read much more into it than that tbh....

Redlocks30 Wed 07-Aug-13 19:02:49

WSS ^^

heidihole Wed 07-Aug-13 19:03:37

Doesn't sound too unreasonable to me!

Presumably she thought you were naming her after the nan and had spelt it wrong by accident. She's not to know you changed the spelling deliberately.

Salmotrutta Wed 07-Aug-13 19:05:50

Well there's thing you can do about it so I'd just point out that you preferred your spelling or something.

She's probably just a bit pedantic like me and just had to point it out!

What's the name and spelling? You have to tell us you know wink

emuloc Wed 07-Aug-13 19:06:24

She could be wondering why you did not just spell the name the same way as the nan seeing as it is only a middle name you have used it for and really only she can tell you what she was thinking

Scruffey Wed 07-Aug-13 19:06:27

Why do you care what this relative says?

FamiliesShareGerms Wed 07-Aug-13 19:06:28

I think it was quite a nice thing to do - I don't understand why you would change the spelling if you are naming someone after a relative, and she was probably worried you'd made a mistake without realising.

DeepPurple Wed 07-Aug-13 19:06:34

I wouldn't read too much into it. She's just letting you know how it was spelt!

Salmotrutta Wed 07-Aug-13 19:07:43

Did you deliberately choose the different spelling or did you think that was actually how the relative spelt it?

I'm just not clear from the OP.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 19:08:41

DD is 7 months now so it took me a bit by surprise.

2 nan's had the same name, pronounced the same but perhaps spelt differently. I don't know. She doesn't know either, because she made a point of saying in the letter...'perhaps this is how x spells her name'. She also said 'it's what you like that matters'. In which case, if she truly thinks that, why mention it!?

I just didn't get it but you're probably right. I'll just forget it.

Coconutty Wed 07-Aug-13 19:09:13

If you named her after her, it's unusual not to spell it the same imo.

Coconutty Wed 07-Aug-13 19:10:12

Maybe she thought you were showing a preference to the other nan if you used her spelling? Petty, I know but could be a possibilty?

Salmotrutta Wed 07-Aug-13 19:11:08

Ah, I see.

I wouldn't give it another thought - once you have told us the name and spelling obviously... grin

Fraggle3112 Wed 07-Aug-13 19:12:06

If I've read the OP right them the name was after 2 people who had the same name with different spellings and the aunt was saying you've spelt it wrong as you chose the spelling which was not her sisters?

It sounds like she is making a pint of the fact you chose the other nans spelling which I agree is uncalled for. You did a lovely thing in honouring both relatives the spelling is entirely your choice But some people are just rude and intent on having their say. YANBU but just ignore her, if she mentions it again just politely explain you chose your preferred spelling but the name is to honor both nan's.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 19:12:24

I care because it's dh's family & I try really hard with them but feel like I always get it wrong. This was a prime example.

Because there were 2 nan's we decided best to spell it the most usual way, as it makes no difference to the pronunciation and the sentiment was the same.

We used 2 l's in the name, she only used 1.

BookFairy Wed 07-Aug-13 19:12:27

What a pointless and thoughtless letter. Even if you had spelt it incorrectly what would they expect you to do? Change it by deed poll? No need. Don't fall out over it, but I understand your annoyance.

I presume it's a name like Claire/Clare.

Fraggle3112 Wed 07-Aug-13 19:13:30

Point not pint.

Sorry for spellings, on phone

PurplePidjin Wed 07-Aug-13 19:13:46

I read it that both women had the same name but different spelkings - eg Catherine and Kathryn. The OP has named her daughter Catherine but the relative has written to say that it should be Kathryn.

Yanbu, that's quite a rude thing to ask about since she's clearly not close enough to you to bring it up briefly over coffee or similar!

runningonwillpower Wed 07-Aug-13 19:14:26

She sounds a bit of a smart arse to me.

Whatever the provenance of the name (and does she know it is in memory of two nans not one) she can hardly expect you to go back and change it now. So, she's being a smart-arse.

Let it go.

Jan49 Wed 07-Aug-13 19:14:30

If your intention was to name her after your nan but use a different spelling from the one your nan had, then you could write back, thank her and just explain. I think she just thinks you intended to name her after your nan and got the spelling wrong. Maybe she just wanted to get it off her chest (because she thinks you said you were naming dd this but you didn't really) or she thought it was better to mention it now than leave it and risk you finding out years later and being annoyed. I don't think she's done anything wrong. You might have wanted to change it.

I can't understand though. You gave her 2 middle names after 2 nans but they both have the same name so that would only be one name? confused

BookFairy Wed 07-Aug-13 19:14:45

Don't let it get you down, lazzaroo smile

TSSDNCOP Wed 07-Aug-13 19:15:35

I confused. She's got 2 middle names. They are the same name eg Ann Anne and you've spelt one differently?

I'm confused

TSSDNCOP Wed 07-Aug-13 19:16:41

Oh x post.

It's a pointless letter, because there are two nans with the name, and it's spelt differently for each nan.

BrianTheMole Wed 07-Aug-13 19:20:44

Maybe she wanted to let you know in case you didn't realise. I can't see the problem? It doesn't sound as though she was being horrible.

chattychattyboomba Wed 07-Aug-13 19:21:15

What everyone else said and.....marking place to find out name (nosey) wink

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 19:23:55

Sorry, I wasn't clear. Yes 2 names after 3 nans! 2 of dh's had same name....that's caused the problem. The other nan was mine!

ZenGardener Wed 07-Aug-13 19:25:12

I guess it's a name like Kathryn but you spelt it Catherine. I don't think it's a big deal. Bin the letter and try to forget about it.

FamiliesShareGerms Wed 07-Aug-13 19:25:18

Oh yes, we need to know the name! (And the fact it's taken her seven months to write the letter is a bit odd - I confess I'd assumed DD was a bit younger than that)

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 19:27:17

Oh god, I'm super paranoid about giving myself away but have probably done enough to have done that's Lillian.

Thanks all for thoughts. Given me perspective. Will just forget about it smile

Salmotrutta Wed 07-Aug-13 19:32:21

That's a very pretty name OP.


zoobaby Wed 07-Aug-13 19:33:52

Can't you see you did it all wrong? Should've gone for 3 middle names, 2 the same but with different spellings then the 3rd name. Then all she'd have to complain about would be the order grin.

I imagine she was trying to be helpful - you could reply and say that you preferred x spelling but you still wanted to honour the GM. Does she realise that DD is named after 3 GM, is she snubbed that you chose the other spelling. I would just say that you went with the most contemporary spelling. Dd1 is named in memory of her GM. The name is slightly different as we didn't want dd to feel she had to live up to GM memory but we wanted to pass the name on, also we liked the derivative name but not the original name as much. One or two relatives commented but my view is we didn't need to use the name at all, dd likes her name and it is special to her as she never met her GM who died a few years before she was born. There is a special link there, but that probably belongs in the woo thread not this one. If she mentions it again say she is named in memory of her, and that in time dd will love to hear from her about the other xxxxxxlxx.

Ok the other Lilian, who spells it with one l, your dd would forever be correcting it.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 19:56:05

She might think we've given the other nan preferential treatment but we haven't. We don't even know how she spells her name! Didn't particularly want to know, so we wouldn't upset anyone by us choosing the spelling we liked (to be fair, I didn't realise there was so much choice, we just thought we'd spelt it the right way!) but clearly we failed. At least the nan herself won't be upset, she passed away a few years ago.

FriskyHenderson Wed 07-Aug-13 20:09:43

Write back to the aunt and say you've seen the light and are now calling your DD Baby Lillian Lilian Lazzaroo.

Or just ignore her.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 20:22:28

As tempting as option A is friskyhenderson I think I'll go for option B.

Recycling gets collected tomorrow, the letter will be in it smile

Shrugged Wed 07-Aug-13 20:22:40

I have to say I would be tempted to write back and say your DD was named after her other grandmother, with the appropriate spelling.

babybarrister Wed 07-Aug-13 20:23:43

Reminds me that we did in fact manage to mis spell DS middle name as intending to copy DH GF but cocked it up - he was Laurance and we did Laurence . grin

It sounds to me like your relative was simply trying to be helpful, especially as she didn't know that the other Nan spelt the name the way you have. I wouldn't read anything else into it. If you see her you could mention that there were two spellings and you picked the other one. No reason to explain it any further than that imo.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 21:23:47

That's fine but We didn't pick the other one! We haven't picked one over the other because we didn't know how either spelt their names. We did that so as not to be seen to favour one over the other & upset anyone. we just chose how we wanted to spell it. She even said that's all that matters in her letter....which is why I don't get her reason for making an issue of it!

Anyway. I have taken all comments on board & will just let it go. Although I really hope she doesn't think we've favoured one nan over the other.

AnnabelleLee Wed 07-Aug-13 21:26:37

If you are naming a child after a relative, how does it not occur to you to check how they spelled it? I'm bemused.

Ah, I see. Sorry, I misunderstood.

ANnabelle have you actually read the thread?

there were 2 nans. Lillian and Lilian

they wanted to use the name, and chose the spelling the preferred.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 21:31:27

Because, as I've tried to explain, we were naming her after 2 relatives. They had the same name but spelt them differently and used different shortened versions (Anne & Lily).

We, stupidly, thought the sentiment would be appreciated and that as the spelling made no difference to the pronunciation we could choose to spell it how we wished.

If she asks about it when I see her I'll explain, otherwise it won't become an issue.

Me too. The part of all this that is most confusing is that none of you know how to spell the name of a close family member? confused

But you kept saying that you don't know how she spelled it and neither did the relative who is complaining? confused

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 21:34:01

Because both opted to live by a shortened name, as above.

AnnabelleLee Wed 07-Aug-13 21:34:20

Well, she may have picked what she liked, but WITHOUT knowing who spelled what which way. So my point stands perfectly well.

Even so. To not know the spelling of your grandmother's name? Your dh must have been reasonably close for you to name your child for her.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 21:38:06

Ok. I don't want this thread to cause me more anxiety than the letter! So, my last attempt to explain...

*We gave DD middle name Lillian. Trying to honour 2 nan's.
*Have been informed by letter that one nan spelt her name Lilian.
*I don't know how other nan spelt her name (it's DH's nan & she chooses to use a shortened version). She hasn't objected to our choice of spelling.

Vivacia Wed 07-Aug-13 21:38:30

I think she was just explaining, understandable if she's confused that you've named your daughter for someone but got the spelling wrong. I don't think she was being snide if she put the nice bit about it being your wishes that matter.

Vivacia Wed 07-Aug-13 21:40:06

Cross-post. I thought there were three grandmothers called Lil(l)ian?

What happened to the fourth?

candycoatedwaterdrops Wed 07-Aug-13 21:43:59

It is strange that you chose to name your child after 2 much loved relatives but you don't know how to spell their names even if they did go by nicknames.

"If she asks about it when I see her I'll explain, otherwise it won't become an issue."

Yes. This. Don't wory about the rest of it smile

AnnabelleLee Wed 07-Aug-13 21:46:01

I thought it was just one of them you didn't check how they spelled their name. It's both you were unaware of? Seems to me like you'd ask someone, but what do I know?

WaitingForMe Wed 07-Aug-13 21:51:20

I don't think it matters whether she intended to be helpful or not, her actions in writing the letter were rude and bitchy. As an adult she should know better.

Still, at least OP has an insight to this woman and can act accordingly. I'm surprised at the tolerance of the rudeness displayed on this thread.

WaitingForMe Wed 07-Aug-13 21:51:43

Tolerance toward the rude relative I mean.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 21:51:45

I don't know why I'm still trying to explain myself as I'm clearly not very good at it. The third nan has a different name and has nothing to do with this. The fourth nan is not involved.

To be fair, my DH has known them as Nan his whole life. I think he can be forgiven for not knowing that the name had only 1 L and not 2 or whatever the spelling may be. Especially as he would never have seen her write it or use it.

I didn't ask if we were being unreasonable in using the name. I asked of her letter was unreasonable. It's done now. It was done 7 months ago when she was born and name was announced. And actually, the other nan's own daughter questioned whether her mum was a Lillian by birth so they must be a strange family.

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 21:53:52

Sorry, don't mean to get grumpy! I'm tired and didn't expect this to become about us using the name.

Going to forget about it and go to bed!

Vivacia Wed 07-Aug-13 21:55:26

I think Nan would have been a great middle name and solved a lot of potential problems.

bamboostalks Wed 07-Aug-13 21:59:30

Cracking thread... Sure you're feeling sooooo much better now Lazaroo!
How very dare you not know your ancestors' exact name spellings. Hmm shame on you trying to please people.

Vivacia Wed 07-Aug-13 22:02:29

Ancestors? You mean beloved grandparents?

(But I get your point - another AIBU takes a surprising turn for the OP).

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 22:03:13

grin vivacia

Absolutely bamboo. feel crappy but my fault for asking the question! It's ok, I've got a night of about 4 hours sleep ahead to make me feel better. These little people cause stress in all kinds of ways! (mostly that they don't even know about!) smile

A grandmother close enough to name your child after has been reduced to an ancestor now? Nice. Both of my grandmothers and both of dh's went by nicknames but a quick poll has revealed that we knew what their actual names were and, surprisingly, how to spell them.

musicismylife Wed 07-Aug-13 22:05:16

I would tell her she's got one L of a cheek.

Squooodle Wed 07-Aug-13 22:05:34

My grandmother's middle name was Lilian, and years ago I thought about calling a dd that. Would never have occurred to me to check the spelling either! My grandma wouldn't have said a word if I had spelled it differently...

But I once sent my aunt a typewritten note (had just learned) and she sent it back to me with corrected! I also sent another granny my first published article... She sent me a note about how to improve my writing skills! Some people are just like that - I've realised they were both trying to be helpful but it felt really annoying at the time.

I agree with bamboo, not sure why people are giving the OP such a hard time.

I think it's a lovely sentiment, whatever the spelling may be. My DD2 has my late Granny's name as her middle name.

I think she was a bit weird to write that letter. If this had occurred to me as a question, I wouldn't ever write a letter to the mother. I might mention it in passing to another relative who might be able to shed some light on it, but a letter to you is a bit odd.

We have some friends who have given their new baby an unusual, is-that-really-a-name name. I wouldn't dream of saying to by friend 'that's weird, what were you thinking' but I did mention to a mutual friend that I thought it was a bit unusual and she explained the background. That is what most people would do, or wait to see you in person and politely enquire.

LynetteScavo Wed 07-Aug-13 22:11:17

Well, my grandmother always spelled her own name incorrectly - we were a bit confused as to what to put on the headstone.

If I'd named DD after her, I would have just gone with what I liked best.

I'm guessing the relative who sent you the not is elderly, OP. Elderly people like to talk about things that don't really mater, IME.

AnnabelleLee Wed 07-Aug-13 22:13:18

your nan isn't a fucking ancestor! Seriously, you don't honour people with a name check without taking 5 minutes to find out their actual name! How lazy are you!

AnnabelleLee Wed 07-Aug-13 22:14:57

"Elderly people like to talk about things that don't really mater, IME."

Fuck me thats insulting and makes you sound like an ageist twat

I hope you never get old and find out whats important to you just doesn't matter, because some young one said so. hmm

lazzaroo Wed 07-Aug-13 22:16:02

Please stop now about how we didn't check the spelling. I have tried to explain why. I have not referred to them as ancestors. If I thought of them that way we wouldn't have wanted our own daughter to be named after them.

I just wanted to try to understand her reasoning for writing the letter.

Sounds like she did it quite politely to me.

MalkieFraser Wed 07-Aug-13 22:22:57

Some people on here are being so rude to the Op.

Unless she has the birth certificates of both Nans, how the hell is she supposed to know how their given names were spelt - considering they went by shortened names a of their lives??

Minoan Wed 07-Aug-13 22:23:04

My DS is named after DH's grandfather. We are not sure if he spelt it Mikael* or Michael* (*not that name, but same thing). It looks like both at different times. No-one gave us a hard time over it. I think the note you received was indeed a bit annoying. I am sure your DD is beautiful. Congratulations flowers

SarahBumBarer Wed 07-Aug-13 22:23:30

Meh - whoever used the phrase smarty pants was spot on. Just tell her that you chose the version of the name that you liked as an homage to the nans not as an absolute naming after.

firesidechat Wed 07-Aug-13 22:26:15

OP, I have the same middle name. Even I can't remember how it is spelt on my birth certificate and I've just had to ask my husband. blush For some reason he always remembers.

For the above reasons I would say that it doesn't remotely matter if it is one l or two, so don't worry about it.

Inertia Wed 07-Aug-13 22:28:15

There is no helpful reason when your baby is 7mo. It might have been more helpful before you registered the birth.

I think you are right to ignore the letter. If it is mentioned again just say something about how ypu've chosen this spelling but isn't it lovely that there's a link between the generations. The spellings don't have to be the same - your dd is the granddaughter, not a Lillian stunt double.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 07-Aug-13 22:28:27

If it helps, OP, my middle name was given to honour my dad's much loved grandmother. On the birth certificate it turns out that it wasn't spelled the same way after all, though my dad always insisted it was. It doesn't matter in the end because everyone who needs to know is aware that my middle name is after her - and that's what really matters.

I don't think the note sounds rude from your OP, she's just letting you know.

ithaka Wed 07-Aug-13 22:31:13

I'd go with SarahBumBarer here - you chose the name as a homage to 2 of your daughter's nans, it does not need to be spelled exactly the same.

I think it is a lovely gesture and a pedantic letter about the spelling (and the quibbling on this thread) is completely missing the point.

I think your relative was rude and I would feel the need to explain them that you did not spell the name 'incorrectly' but the way you liked it spelled, as it is your daughter that you are naming after all.

It is a lovely name and a lovely thought. Sleep well, OP.

I can completely understand why you didn't check the spelling. If you are naming your child after someone with a fairly common name and that name has a standard spelling, why would it occur to you to check the spelling? There are some names where you might well check the spelling - Claire, Catherine etc. But even then if you choose to use your preferred spelling rather than the original, you are still honouring their memory.


OP. ignore everyone. Lovely name. Spelt correctly.

goldenlula Wed 07-Aug-13 23:36:45

Gosh, op I think the aunt was rude to point it out, the sentiment is in using the name, it doesn't have to be the exact spelling. All three of my children have a grandparent's name as their middle name, I didn't check to see how the grandparent spelt the name, we just chose the most common spelling.

Jesus Christ almighty, some people here are really going off on one for no good reason. My gran died when I was 1 year old and it takes me a couple of minutes to remember her name. I would have to ask DH what his grans' names were as both used alternative/middle names. That doesn't mean that they weren't important members of the family, just that I knew them by the names they chose.

OP - your DD's middle name is lovely and the sentiment matters much more than the spelling.

softlysoftly Thu 08-Aug-13 00:10:36

Oh my dear lord, now I'm not one for calling professionally offended but some posters on here. ...

I'm really really not sure what there is to get angry about with this op confused.


1 - the letter was either rude or misplaced helpful either way but worth bad relations so ignore.

2 - it's a lovely name spelt correctly with a nice thought behind it. End of story

3 - please ignore clearly bonkers posters who actually have managed to get angry about this thread. Weird weird weird.

softlysoftly Thu 08-Aug-13 00:11:50

*not worth bad relations

SarahAndFuck Thu 08-Aug-13 00:36:33

OP I think the name is lovely.

Spelling it with two L's was probably the wise choice as it is the most common/popular spelling, plus it's the spelling you prefer.

I'm sure both Nan's would be very proud to have their name used as part of your DD's name, regardless of whichever why they spell it.

I suspect that one of them will definitely have used two L's as the other spelling is more unusual.

If it helps, I know someone named Keely. She is in her mid-twenties and has only just realised that her own name on her birth certificate is Keeley. Nobody in the family had realised either, they've all been spelling it wrong for the last twenty odd years. She's sticking with it though, she says the third 'e' is just too weird now.

Families are strange with names. They do things like say "We are going to name this baby Arthur but for the rest of his life everyone must call him Jim!"

It takes nothing away from the honour of the Nan's that you have chosen one spelling above the other. You can't exactly call her Lilian Lillian to make it fair. You have to go with what you like and if you say "we chose her middle name because her great-nan's were both called Lillian" nobody except picky aunt is going to shout "Liar! Nan 1 was called Lilian, it's totally different!" at you.

My name ends in a 'y' but the more popular spelling has an 'ie' on the end. If anyone decided to name their child after me, even with the 'ie' spelling I would be thrilled <drops hint>

WeAreSeven Thu 08-Aug-13 01:07:23

Wow, some people are a little, erm, passionate about this aren't they?
OP, it's a lovely name.
And technically a grandmother is an ancestor. Presumably also a "fucking" ancestor as that's how they get to be grandmothers wink grin

I know a Julie who was named after her grandmother who was Julia. Her parents knew how to spell Julia but in the late 1960's Julia was considered old-fashioned and Julie an updated version of the same name. As far as I know the granny didn't have a conniption.

sleepywombat Thu 08-Aug-13 01:38:58

Dh & I aren't sure how his mum's name is spelled. On all legal documents, letters etc, it has one l, but she says it has two. She is also known by a nickname so it doesn't really bother us.

Icedink Thu 08-Aug-13 01:43:16

Wow some of the posts on here are bizarre! I would be pissed off to receive that letter, its not her place to tell you how you should have spelt your dd's middle name ffs! I have a friend whose dd's middle name is Anne after her gm Ann - she just preferred that spelling and no one batted an eyelid or felt the need to point out her "mistake". I would write back and politely explain that its none of her fucking business you were aware of the spelling and have your reasons for spelling it that way.

shemademedoit Thu 08-Aug-13 08:26:26

I don't think the card was sent to cause offence: she just couldn't go without saying something. However, because I'm naughty, I'd just pretend I'd never received the card, knowing it'll drive her nuts wondering why you've never replied.

DoctorRobert Thu 08-Aug-13 08:33:17

You should have spelled it Lilllian to accomodate all Ls of all Nans.

LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 08:43:08

AnnabelleLee when I'm I will no doubt start going on about things that other people don't think are important, such as name spellings.

I presume younger people will smile and nod like I do now.

I am indeed ageist. I've noticed very young people do this too. <<smiles and nods at DD as she tells me yet again what the Lego Friends characters are called.>>

ExcuseTypos Thu 08-Aug-13 08:46:00

There are some very very strange responses on this thread. Were some people a bit over tired last night? hmm

Ignore them OP, you asked a perfectly valid question. Seven months after the birth of a child, I would also have been a bit bemused that someone would question the spelling. Just ignore her, she's obviously got a lot of time on her hands and is a pedantic arse.

I don't want to get dragged back into this. But it's not really about the OP anymore. She chose a spelling they liked. Fair enough, no issue with that.

But when people say that they can't be bothered to find out the spelling of their grandparents' names who, after all, are only 'ancestors' then I think that's bloody weird and reserve the right on a public forum to say so. Unless the family member in question was a complete cow or absent from their life I couldn't be so disinterested in them as to not know such a basic detail. It's odd.

curlew Thu 08-Aug-13 08:53:05

Ok. This is how I see it.

The relative who wrote the letter saw the baby's name written down for the first time. Thought "oh dear, they've used Mum's name- that's lovely, but they've spelled it wrong. I'd better tell them, just in case they find out and feel bad about it. I know, I'll just write a note, then they can do something or not as they wish" She then wrote a very tactful, apologetic note. Perfectly reasonable. She may not have even known the other grandmother was called Lilian/Lillian!

Oh, and enough with the ageist shit.

Trills Thu 08-Aug-13 08:56:19

Presumably she only knows one of the relatives?

So she thought that you had named your daughter after Lilian and spelled it Lillian.

Perfectly reasonable of her to point it out.

Whereas in fact you named your daughter after two ladies, called Lilian and Lillian, and so chose Lillian as the spelling.

Why don't you just tell her? Actually DD has two grandmas, one Lilian and one Lillian, and we couldn't use both because it would look silly, so we had to just pick one spelling.

2rebecca Thu 08-Aug-13 08:59:02

It's not unusual to not know how a grandparent spells their first name. Many older people use nick names and if you're sending a letter you just use their first initial so it's rare you'd see the first name written down.

candycoatedwaterdrops Thu 08-Aug-13 08:59:42

I agree with Gwendoline a couple of us said it was odd but I don't recall being angry?? I was tired though!

LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 09:00:31

OK, having thought about it, I don't think writing a note was reasonable at all . It was totally mental. And interfering. And busybodyish. To the point of being rude.

ExcuseTypos Thu 08-Aug-13 09:05:54

Gwendoline "But when people say that they can't be bothered to find out the spelling of their grandparents' names". Where did the Op say that she couldn't be bothered?

As others have pointed out, yours and some other people's posts came across as rather heated. It's a thread about a letter from a relative. No need for the nasty posts.

curlew Thu 08-Aug-13 09:07:48

She didn't say she couldn't be bothered. She said she chose the spelling she preferred.

Icedink Thu 08-Aug-13 09:08:56

Gwendoline and a few others - op never referred to the grandparents as ancestors, it was another poster who said it in jest!

SarahAndFuck Thu 08-Aug-13 09:13:25

I can't see where the OP has called the Nan's 'ancestors', can someone tell me which post of hers that was please? I think I'm having a case of the can't see for looking's blush

I still don't think the OP and her partner (who was the grandson of both Lilian/Lillian's) have done anything wrong.

They were known as Lily and Anne so it's fairly reasonable to assume that the OP's partner never saw them use the full version, or even anything but Nan written down. I know all three of my Grandparents names, but can't recall ever seeing them written down anywhere.

And it's reasonable to assume that the most likely spelling would have been Lillian as that's the most common way to spell it. I don't think they couldn't be bothered to find out, they knew both were Lillian and went with the spelling they liked, which is also the most usual way of spelling that name.

They could have gone with Lilyanne I suppose, if they wanted to exactly use the names both Nan's actually preferred to go by and still give their daughter their full name as well.

Given that some others in the family are also not sure about how to spell the name or even if it was actually one Nan's name at all, I think they've done quite well.

grovel Thu 08-Aug-13 09:13:59

The name comes from the Latin for Lily (one L). Hope that helps.

ExcuseTypos Thu 08-Aug-13 09:17:30

Well I don't see how it does help grovel grin

Sarah the OP hasn't referred to her grans as ancestors. It's other people who haven't read the thread properly.

grovel Thu 08-Aug-13 09:25:38

I just wanted to show off my knowledge of the Lilium.

Mimishimi Thu 08-Aug-13 09:26:05

"Well, lucky we didn't name her after your mum, we named her after my nan! " is what I'd be tempted to reply.

SarahAndFuck Thu 08-Aug-13 09:35:14

No, I don't think it does help really.

Lillian is a common/popular spelling of the name and has been for a long time. It's the one the OP and her partner have preferred to use. I still think they were reasonable to assume that's how both Nan's spelled it, and I don't think it's as strange as people are saying it is here that they didn't find out for sure before using it.

It still has the same meaning and sentiment behind it, they used the spelling they prefer, both Nan's have been honoured, even the family don't seem entirely sure which Nan used what spelling and someone has wondered if one of them was even called Lillian at all. So it perhaps wouldn't have been as easy to check the name as everyone here seems to think.

They have done a nice thing, and used a nice name in the way they like it best, to honour two people the OP's partner obviously loved. I don't think she deserves the hard time she's been given here.

neunundneunzigluftballons Thu 08-Aug-13 09:38:37

My friend had a similar situation she chose an Irish name which she spelled in a way which broke one of the fundamental rules of Irish spelling. She got a flood of messages telling her about the rule before she registered the name from people who were trying to be helpful. She was really pee'd off. I don't blame her but honestly I still think she should have spelt the name following the rule -nosey old bag that I am.

In your situation I would get back to the relative and say you were incorporating 2 names and choose your preferred spelling and leave it at that so she does not propagate her story further.

LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 09:39:32

Mimishimi - both of DH's nans were called Lillian/Lilian and the OP's nan was called something else.

Is it only me feeling sorry for the 4th nan?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 08-Aug-13 09:40:05

Op - if it makes you feel better I was named after my great grandmother.

She was called *Ellie. So my parents called me Eleanor although I am generally known as Ellie.

When aforementioned great grandmother died my parents discovered her name was actually Edna. She was just called Ellie as a pet name.


I was 5 at this point! It was one of my favourite family stories for years afterwards.

* My name is not Ellie

bamboostalks Thu 08-Aug-13 09:42:47

Annabelle lee Her grandmother (living or dead) is an ancestor actually. I totally fail to see how that is rude or offensive. I am my children's ancestor and my parents' descendants. Fact. Very weird folk on this thread.

lazzaroo Thu 08-Aug-13 09:49:11

This is my last visit.

The lady in question knows my daughter was named after both nan's. She knows the othe nan quite well & knows her name. As I mentioned, She referred to that in the note.

I would never, and have at no point in this thread, dismissed them as ancestors.

The 4th nan is nothing to do with this. You have no idea about my relationship with her.

It is not a case of 'not being bothered'. I take the decision of my daughters name seriously. We were trying not to offend anyone or upset anyone by seeming to favour one over the other. Clearly we failed and I have been stupid. The sentiment was there but we obviously got it wrong. And I was wrong to come on here last night.

lazzaroo Thu 08-Aug-13 09:52:22

Thank you to those that have read my posts and understand what I have tried to explain.

grovel Thu 08-Aug-13 09:56:08

lazzaroo, you have not been stupid and you were only wrong to come on here if you are unaware of AIBU and expected/wanted 100% support.

Your naming of your child was well-intentioned and the spelling of the name is your business.

The only issue here is how to respond (or not) to your relative's note. I wouldn't.

No no no, you haven't failed, you haven't been stupid. Some people on here just like to nitpick and enjoy making others feel small. Don't take it personally.

It is a lovely sentiment, and I'm sure your relative was simply informing you of the spelling out of, at best, a misguided attempt at being helpful/informative or, at worst, pedantry and an inability to leave it alone. Not malice.

Coconutty Thu 08-Aug-13 09:59:56

You named her a lovely name with the best intentions, Lazz, Lillian is the correct spelling imo.

Ignore the people on here who love to argue for the sake of it, gets boring, doesn't it?

lazzaroo Thu 08-Aug-13 10:01:15

Didn't expect 100% support just didn't expect it to become about us using the name in the first place or about our relationship with them. I wanted to know what people thought about the letter to get an idea about what I should do. I guess it was more if a 'what would you do' than AIBU.

I'm not made of strong enough stuff for this topic! And so I'm taking all suggestions on board and running away....

swampytiggaa Thu 08-Aug-13 10:02:54

My dads mum was lillian. Or lilian. I have no idea which tbh. She went as Big Lil to distinguish her from her daughter Little Lil.

Short of looking up her birth certificate i have no way of knowing her name exactly. My dad died in 1978. My nan died before that.

Just saying it isn't that odd to not know the spelling.

My other nan didn't know for certain how old she was. She reckoned her birth wasn't registered properly. Things aren't always clear cut.

melika Thu 08-Aug-13 10:03:32

Lillian is a very lovely name, you are going to start a trend now!

ExcuseTypos Thu 08-Aug-13 10:05:12

Lazzaroo you have not been stupid! If you'd posted this in Chat you would have had as many nit picking negative replies.
Some people just like an argument.

You've chosen a love name for a lovely reason. Don't let this thread make you feel any different.

LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 10:05:27

1. You haven't spelled your DD's name wrong.

2. If the relative knew the other Lillian, she was bang out of order to point out the spelling you chose.

3. No, I don't have any idea about your relationship with your other nan. That was a lighthearted comment, and I obviously touched a nerve!


Slavetothechild Thu 08-Aug-13 10:09:57

Op just ignor people having a go . Its the tought that counts , i only knew my nanny as well nanny ! People saying you should have checked would have had a filled day with my nan she had all sorts of names used on offical documents anna maria , anna , annie , ann and mary !!! so if i was to use her name i would be hard put to know which to use lol.

sweetestcup Thu 08-Aug-13 10:19:46

annabelle read the thread properly before being so rude to the OP - she never said ancestors, that was another poster, said in fun to, bit much having a go at someone for something someone else said!

mrslyman Thu 08-Aug-13 10:36:51

Well OP at least this thread will have made your Aunt seem more reasonable than some random people on the Internet grin, and it could have been worse I only found out that DH's gran, known to all as Lilian, was actually called Elizabeth at her funeral.

VenusRising Thu 08-Aug-13 10:40:50

Well obviously a lot of people feel strongly about names!
Certainly by the amount of posts grinand letters in the post!!

Now, as I see it the OPs aunty was being a bit of a busybody. IMHO Lillian is as nice a spelling as Lilian - and Lilian is as nice as Lillian. But nobody's hurt, so let's get on with the 'vipering' on other threads.

Oh and OP congratulations on your baby!! Hope you get some decent sleep soon xxx

Lovely name. You had to spell it somehow and you've chosen the more common, intuitive spelling, which can only be a good thing for your daughter.

My daughter is Kathryn and we were informed that it was really spelt "Catherine" and even "Kathleen" (!) by some members of the extended family. I think it was kindly meant, so tried not to get stroppy about it. We just stuck to our guns and now, finally, her name is being spelt correctly in correspondence. smile

swampytiggaa Thu 08-Aug-13 10:53:46

Themaltesefalcon - i am a kathryn too. Have spent a lifetime having my name misspelled. Doesn't bother me at all. It's a fab name smile

Rolandrova Thu 08-Aug-13 10:54:16

oh goodness WHAT a huge storm in a teacup! poor OP!!! shock

You can change your child's name quite easily up to a year old, after that it gets harder. You could change it to 'Lily Anne' I suppose but tbh Lillian is lovely and does the job fine smile

SarahAndFuck Thu 08-Aug-13 10:57:52

Lazzaroo you haven't done anything wrong.

I have known someone for years now, since I was fourteen, and only found out yesterday that his name is really James. He is known as Seamus, which I think is the Gaelic for the name James, but everyone thought Seamus was his actual, official name. I think this sort of thing happens more often than anybody realises.

I also know a whole family who give their eldest boy the first name Graham but refer to them all by a different middle name, because actually calling them all Graham in conversation would be confusing apparently. So the friend I knew as Stephen, and his father who I knew as John, were actually Graham Stephen and Graham John. I'd known them ten years before I found that out and even some members of their own family were surprised to find out about the Graham part.

As I said, families can be strange with names, and I don't think you've done anything wrong by not checking the spellings. At least this way, you haven't had to choose between the two, you've picked the spelling you prefer without anyone being able to accuse you of preferring one Nan above the other and your daughter has a beautiful name spelled just the way you and your partner like.

About the note. It's hard to say without reading it, but I think it sounds nit-picky for no good reason. But I would let it go and perhaps when your daughter is older and you tell her why you chose her name you can tell her that one Great-Nan used a different spelling as an interesting twist to the story.

I think I'd be interested in that if I were her. But you can make it a fun addition to the story rather than a nit-picky one.

I just realised my Great-Grandma was known as Minnie, but my dad has no idea what her full name was. Minerva? Wilhelmina? Something else? I love the name Minnie, but there's nobody left to ask who might know her full name.

SarahAndFuck Thu 08-Aug-13 11:01:25

ExcuseTypos thank you. I read the thread three times to find that ancestors post and I see what happened now. grin

thebody Thu 08-Aug-13 11:02:32

photocopy your arse and send it back to her. she sounds just like my older sister. pedantic and smug!

SarahAndFuck Thu 08-Aug-13 11:05:12

"photocopy your arse and send it back to her."

Best advice ever! grin

I am definitely taking that advice the next time I get an unwanted letter from certain relatives grin

PenelopePipPop Thu 08-Aug-13 11:06:29

Lazaroo you do know that if you had given your poor DD the name Lilian she would have had to spend the rest of her life specifying the one 'L' whilst people gave her a funny look and then explaining that one of her Nan's had it with one L.

Your relative is a pedant. I am one too and so is my MIL. We drive each other fucking nuts but we mean well. She probably will not have meant to hurt your feelings, she will honestly have thought this is important information that you may not have known and that might inform your future decisions in some weird way.

Obviously if she is spiteful in other ways it is possible the letter was sent just to make you feel crappy about your DD's lovely thoughtful name. But probably not. She probably did not think it through that much.

NoisyBrain Thu 08-Aug-13 11:56:49

*swampytigga another Kathryn here. I'm really not bothered by the frequent misspelling either, though it does make me smile when I have to spell it out to someone (I only bother if it's for something official) and they just CAN'T get their head around the lack of an 'e' in there.

My best friend gave her DD1 the most traditional spelling of my name as her middle name, but everyone knows she's named after me. My knickers remain twist-free about it.

LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 12:03:10

There is nothing "poor" about the OP's DD grin -and should wouldn't have to keep spelling it as it's her middle name.

I was in a class at school with 6 Katherines but each was spelt differently.

I'm wondering how old the aunt is - some people get a bit like that when they're getting on a bit - on the rude, pedantic side, and forgeting that there's a nan on both sides of the family with the name.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 08-Aug-13 12:51:43

If your relative had not known both your DH's nans were called Lillian / Lilian I would have said that she was trying to be helpful and couldn't let you carrying on misspelling the name without saying something. But given she knew there were two nans with very similar names and both were being honoured she should have kept her thoughts to herself. You had to go for the version of Lillian you preferred and in that case one of the nan's was unavoidably going to have a slightly different version of the name to your DD.

quietlysuggests Thu 08-Aug-13 13:00:01

your relative wrote you a very nice note saying just to let you know she actually spelled it this way, but of course you may have your reasons for spelling it that way, and anyway its entirely up to you, its a lovely name, I just wondered if you would like to know, all the best now

and you are getting all humpy all over the internet?


LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 13:15:20

JugglingFromHereToThere read the whole thread. We've covered the age thing.

You are being ageist.


MMcanny Thu 08-Aug-13 13:24:37

You could always drop the Lilian altogether since she has another middle name.

I realise there is often un-warranted discrimination based on age, but on the other hand it can be a factor in people's behaviour. I think it's only ageist if it's un-founded. So, how old was the aunt then ?

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom Thu 08-Aug-13 13:34:58

I think you are reading too much into it TBH.

She has probably been sitting at home thinking (every now and again), I wonder if Lazzaroo knows that isn't how Nan spelled Lilian. The fact that she mentions in her note that she doesn't know if that is how the other Lillian is spelled suggests that she thinks it might also be Lilian.

If someone I knew named their child to honour a relative but didn't spell it the way they did, I would worry that that was because they'd got the spelling wrong rather than a conscious choice and might try and point it out to them. I think she was clumsy, but I don't think she was mean.

Ezio Thu 08-Aug-13 14:06:17

Lazzaroo congrats on your DD, and Lillian is a lovely name and a very sweet sentiment behind the name.

My DDs middle name is Elizabeth, both her nans have the same middle name, so Elizabeth was my little nod to them, if they had been spelt differently, i still would have spelled it with the Z, because that is the spelling i liked.

So bin the letter, enjoy your gorgeous baby and the names you chose.

LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 14:32:32

MMcanny Why would the OP want to drop one of her DD's names??? The child is named. The spelling chosen. Job done.

Well said Ezio.

thebody Thu 08-Aug-13 15:42:20

op some people have way too much time on their hands.

Beer0Clock Thu 08-Aug-13 15:47:43

be glad it's not her first name! when I named my dd, one thing I liked about the name was that the spelling was easy, obvious I thought. Well, all adults who are called this spell it the old way but apparently this new way of spelling it is more common now confused so a lot of people spell her name this new way. As I see it, it's new. New but more correct. Ah well.

I do know a woman who called her son Tadgh which baffles me. Now that is wrong! But I won't send her a note! I'm sure she must have her reasons for switching the g and the h around.

motherinferior Thu 08-Aug-13 15:48:24

Both my parents insisted I'd spelled DD1's middle name wrong (it is Ayesha - they say it should be spelt Aisha).

Which pales into insignificance when you realise that my mother tried to give my sister's DS2 an extra middle name. She rang up and said she wanted to give him the 'gift' of a name.

Ezio Thu 08-Aug-13 15:57:08

Mother, your Mother is bonkers, gift of a name, how did she think that would work.

motherinferior Thu 08-Aug-13 16:17:45

She appeared to think Dsis would just add it to her son's names. I think she was probably huffy that this one of her four grandchildren (a) didn't have an Asian name (my mother is Indian, and DP's dad was also from Bangladesh) (b) had the middle name of a different grandparent.

My sister blearily said "yeah, whatever" and then put the phone down and thought "WTF was that??^

LynetteScavo Thu 08-Aug-13 16:33:28

She rang up and said she wanted to give him the 'gift' of a name.

Hahahahaha! I'm going to try that one when I become a grandparent! grin

Footface Thu 08-Aug-13 17:10:02

Op yanbu, your relative really should have keep quiet and said nothing,

You choose to name your dd after family members, you can spelt it how you like. It still sounds the same

SarahAndFuck Thu 08-Aug-13 17:10:05

The gift of a name grin

It's a bit like the bad fairy in Sleeping Beauty.

First fairy: I give you beauty.

Second fairy: I give you health.

Grandma: I give you a better name than the names your parents gave you, I mean, what were they thinking calling you X name!?

motherinferior Thu 08-Aug-13 17:26:39

I am so relieved other people think it was bonkers too.

If anyone wants the gift of a name, I have plenty available, just ask.

Do you think I could set up a business selling names to the indecisive?

curlew Fri 09-Aug-13 11:22:10

I think the gift of a name" thing is rather sweet. blush<goes to sit in bonkers corner!

youarewinning Fri 09-Aug-13 11:25:50

Oh Lillian is a lovely name.

The rest, meh, if you'd have used 1 l you'd have spelt the other nans name wrong grin

You can't win. Lilian would have disappointed one side, Lillian the other, and Lilyanne half the population would be telling you you'd made it up!

Your daughter has a beautiful name, for a lovely reason.

If the aunt is generally nice, and you're on good terms, I'd write back "Thanks for the note. We knew the nan's spelled their names differently, and so we chose the most popular spelling for the sake of DD. It honours both nan's and we love it."

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