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to think DH has an attitude problem...

(173 Posts)
printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 14:17:28

He is v. uptight about the house operating efficiently and makes me feel like a failure because I can't manage to complete all the chores (the weekly shop, most of housework, errands, most of clothes washing, cooking and ironing) during school hours on my two days off (Thurs and Fri) so we can have a chore-free weekend. I work 3 days plus one or 2 eves a week.

He has a lot of responsibility at work, leaves at 7.30am and gets in at 7pm each day. He puts the kids to bed when he gets in and reads them a bedtime story. He sometimes does the washing up and tends to cook at the weekends (I cook in the week).

Although I am generally more laid back than him in terms of my personality, I rarely sit down on my days at home and am not lazy but somehow I just don't manage to get it all done. So by the weekend he is disappointed that he has to muck in for most Sat morning to get it all finished, taking his precious time away from our primary school age kids who he doesn't see much of in the week.

His disappointment is really affecting my self-esteem and is making me resent him. Is he being unreasonable or am I for not managing to get it all done before the weekend? Is our situation normal or do most people in our situation manage to have a relatively chore-free weekend with plenty of quality family time together?

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 14:18:47

Sorry the home link above was not intentional - don't know what I pressed!

HopeClearwater Wed 07-Aug-13 14:23:34

What are the pair of you having to do at the weekend?
Has he / you got very high standards?
How does he express his disappointment?

I'd say that if you are trying to get it done, but still not managing to finish it all, that he is being unreasonable. Only so much a person can do.

Longdistance Wed 07-Aug-13 14:24:38

If I was working as hard of you, and sorting the dc out, I wouldn't be able to everything around the house either. But, I'd get a cleaner, and get the food online shopping to cut some corners.

Here, this is for you h biscuit what a knob he is. Does he think you're a one woman juggling act?

YoungBritishPissArtist Wed 07-Aug-13 14:26:04

You're his wife, not the hired help!

If he's that bothered by it, why doesn't he pay for a cleaner?

He may work long hours, but you work v.hard too.

Cakebaker35 Wed 07-Aug-13 14:27:19

Poor you OP, sorry to hear this affecting you like this. I am a SAHM and frankly never get all the chores done during the week, too busy out and about and doing things with Dd. I do feel guilty about it sometimes but thankfully my DH is v relaxed about it and says he'd rather I was out making sure DD was having fun than dusting! He also says he thinks being a SAHM is about child care not house work so I'm v glad he feels this way. We always do some chores at weekends, I don't know anyone that doesn't tbh, but maybe everyone I know is just not v organised? blush
You do need a chat with your DH about how this is affecting you. My DH works similar hours to yours and still always helps out around the house, I do think it is an attitude thing though so not sure how you can change his view other than explaining how much you have on juggling work and home and that it's unrealistic - and unfair - for you to do it all and how he's making you feel. Who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised by his reaction if he has no clue you feel the way you do. Let us know how you get on.

badguider Wed 07-Aug-13 14:32:52

You have to start from the standpoint that you are not lazy and you're doing as much as you can.
So having assumed that, you either need a shorter list of chores / lower standards OR you need some help with the cleaning or you need to use some other labour-saving techniques like online shopping.

Whatever you decide to do, be confident with that initial assumption. If you feel you're not lazy and working hard then believe that to be true and stick up for yourself.

LeBFG Wed 07-Aug-13 14:37:21

I have a similar prolem to you OP - well, as far as differences in expectations for household chores. I'm a messy sort. I file by stuffing things into various drawers. I wash dishes when the whim takes me. When DP lived as a bachelor, he had a spartan, clean surfaces existance. So, as it's me doing the household stuff, he gets really fustrated at my lower standards. In the end, it's me doing them so DP has to accept that.

I would suggest talking this through with your DP - admit to what is realistic for you to achieve, you not DP, and decide either to
a/ accept lowering of standards to have work-free weekend
b/ continue with status quo but without feeling you're disappointing him
c/ buy in help for a couple of hours a week

KellyElly Wed 07-Aug-13 14:39:19

Considering you are expected to do the lions share of the house work and child care and work three days per week I would say you also have a busy life with a lot of responsibility. Maybe he needs to chill out a bit and realise what you actually contribute to family life.

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 14:41:58

He makes it obvious that he could do much better than me if he was in my situation and could easily get it all done. I have pointed out that people who think they can do everything much better than everyone else are annoying shits! Maybe it's a male thing!!

Cakebaker35 Wed 07-Aug-13 14:44:44

No OP it isn't a male thing, he is being an arse. Suggest you book yourself on a week's holiday on your own then see how well he gets on without you.

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 14:48:38

What exactly does he need to do on Saturday that he feel should be taken care of during the week?

I understand that some people have extremely high standards when it comes to levels or cleanliness and tidiness but when you have kids you have to be prepared to relax these standards. Otherwise you'll just spend a chunk of your life huffing and puffing and feeling resentful that everything isn't perfect.

Tell him you'd be more than happy for him to pay for a cleaner to come in a few hours a week as your days are very full as it is.

You're not the household skivvy.

newbeliever Wed 07-Aug-13 14:50:24

I have the same problem with my DH; and truth be known he would probably do a much better job than me with regards to keeping on top of the housework. However, in order to achieve this he would ignore the DCs and allow them to spend far too much time watching TV or playing on the Wii etc.

It really hits a nerve with me when he starts criticising me as I see my top priority being that the DC are happy, well fed and clean . . . Not that the skirting boards are dust free!

I work part time too Op - school hours Mon to Thurs - so similar situation.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 07-Aug-13 14:51:40

Well I am going to throw a bone in...I think 2 days is plenty to do the laundry, cleaning and shopping....OP doesn't work out of the home on those days...the DH does...if I had two clear days like that I'd manage with no trouble!

One day for laundry and cleaning, one for shopping and odd jobs.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 07-Aug-13 14:52:23

Why work part time if you're not going to use that time to make the weekend a lovely, clear time for the family? Why not just go full time?

He is being an arsehole. I hate this 'I work full time' attitude some people have.

I assume you do the school run so get around 10 hours per week to do everything. So 1 working day.

If he is so bothered about having to clean on Saturday morning to do it on a Friday night. He should be splitting the chores not expecting you to do everything.

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 14:56:20

Because presumably she wants to work part time?

Why can't he relax his expectations to make the weekend a 'lovely, clear time for the family'?

Like cake I'm a SAHM and I can't get it all done, even with a division of labour (OH and I have always had a division of labour, though we do each others 'tasks' sometimes its based on which one of us does whatever best). Some days I get all I planned and more done, others I can't get out of my PJs.

Thankfully OH works at home one day a week and has seen for himself how sometimes it all just goes to hell in a handcart. I know he wishes that the house was tidier sometimes, but then he also knows there's nothing stopping him picking up a duster.

LucilleBluth Wed 07-Aug-13 14:59:18

I couldn't live like that, your DH is too demanding. We are a family of five, I'm a sahm and I still don't manage to do everything, there is always laundry piled up in my bedroom and I would constantly be nagging the DCs to be tidy, that's no life, family life is messy. For example we are now in the midst of the school holidays, I have DS1 in the playroom with all his guitar equipment out whilst toddler DD plays kitchen in there, it's a mess. DS2 has just asked to make blueberry muffins so the kitchen will be trashed soon, tis family life.

LineRunner Wed 07-Aug-13 15:01:29

No-one can do all that domestic work in - what? Ten to twelve hours a week?

It's just stupid to think it can all be done in that time.

I think your DH's attitude is terrible, so in that sense YANBU

But I think that between the two of you it should be possible to get everything done during the week, and perhaps you can work out a plan together. Online shopping is a huge help, get DH to do the washing up every night, don't iron anything you don't absolutely need to, don't clean the whole house every week, etc and so on.

You can agree with his overall goal while making it clear you don't accept his attitude.

Perhaps you could make a big list of all the things you do in two days. And I mean ALL the things you, from laundry and the shopping, to changing the toilet roll, and buying/wrapping the DCs birthday presents. Things you only do once a month, things you do once a year etc. Work out how long each thing takes you, and how often you have to do them. The you can work out how many hours a week it should take to get it all done.

I did this (on advice from someone on here) when DH wasn't doing his share. I also work part time, and have DD home with me on 2 days. It really helped put things into perspective to realise just how much time it takes to get EVERYTHING done. It takes us nearly 16 hours a week on average. That's including evenings wrapping Christmas pressents, or making birthday cakes, whitening the grout in the shower, or packing for holidays. Some weeks it's a lot more than 16 hours, most weeks a bit less. We fit a lot of that into doing bits together in the evenings when DD is asleep, or one of us cooking while the other does bathtime. It would have been really unfair for DH to expect me to fit in 16 hours of housework/life admin into the two days I have DD at home.

In the same manner, I doubt your DH's expectations are fair. I doubt he realises just how much you DO do. You probably only have about 6 hours between the school runs on your days at home, if you're lucky. If you work out how many weekly housework hours there are to be done, and take away the "spare" hours you have on your days at home, I'm pretty certain you'll still have a fair bit left to. This should be split fairly between you and your DH. If he wants his weekends free for family time, then he either needs to lower his standards, get in a cleaner, or he needs to do his bits in the evenings.

Also, what does he do on the evening or two you work? Does he get that time off? If you should be house-working feverishly while he's working, surely he should be doing the same? smile

Redlocks30 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:10:00

I am part time and DH works long hours. I view being part time as a benefit that allows me to get these jobs done otherwise I might as well be f/t and we can do them at the weekend. I would be pissed off if roles were reversed, DH had 2 days off and I had to do loads of housework on Saturdays as well. If he did something to ease the load, what would you rather-could he take over the shopping (can't you do an Internet shop?)

9-3 x 2 is plenty of time to get everything done though-what are you doing when exactly, maybe we could suggest ways to save time? Would you say you were pretty efficient with your time?

LineRunner Wed 07-Aug-13 15:12:41

Is the OP allowed to eat lunch, Redlocks? Because if so, I make that only about 11 hours a weeks to do about 20 hours' work.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 15:12:51

So he works 5 days, you work three.

On the 2 weekdays that you don't work-he expects you to do everything so that his weekend is free?

So, that's everything for everyone?

Everyone's washing, ironing, tidying up, hoovering.

All for the benefit of everyone.

Nice in theory!

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 15:12:55

No not two clear days Neo - I have school hours free on Thurs and Fri so works out by the time I've got back home after drop off as 11 hrs in total. I.e. 9.30-3pm on Thurs and Fri actually at home (then ferrying to after school activities from 3.30pm onwards so eve meal for family must be prepared in those school hrs too).

BiddyPop Wed 07-Aug-13 15:13:52

DH and I both work FT and the only way we manage (even with an au pair in school term time - mainly as DH travels for 2 weeks at a time) is by doing small jobs every day and big things at the weekend.

So we'd keep on top of the washing and drying of laundry during the week (put in a load at night to run the following day, throw it on the line/clotheshorse/into dryer when we get home and put dry things into "ironing" basket) - but we only fold clean clothes and do the ironing at the weekend (DH usually folds Sat evening while watching a movie with DD, and irons Sunday evening while I make dinner).

I prep dinners at night, so I can turn on pots to cook as soon as I get in, as much as possible. So peeling and chopping veg, making sauce like spag bol or curry etc. But I'd also do a double batch of a dinner for Monday (and freeze second half) on Sunday evening when I am making a Sunday roast anyway.

We try to put away as we go - but even just with only 1 DD, that's a struggle. So we always have clutter spots to deal with.

We spend our WHOLE lives running around trying to keep on top of the housework, feeding everyone, getting all our work done, helping DD with homework etc, getting her to her sports (Wed night and Sat morn only), shopping, various appointments have to be fitted in, and trying to find time to visit relatives (immediate family live 3 hours away).

DD is not here this week, which is somewhat relaxing (she's having a week at Granny's house), but we are still racing to get things done. I got a box set from the library almost 3 weeks ago of the first season of Grey's Anatomy, that I've wanted to watch for years - I've watched 6 episodes (and 4 of those were where I stayed up late to watch 2 together!).

When DH is at home, he does pull his weight and shares out the chores. But it is a case of doing lots all the time and there never is an end to it. The few days off I get, I never get anything like as much done as I want - time just flies.

LeBFG Wed 07-Aug-13 15:15:28

Well put diddl. All for the benefit of everyone.. Except the skivvy of course.

Redlocks30 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:17:22

I wouldn't say that was 20 hours' work though. I have three children, a five bed house and work three days a week; I get all the washing/housework/shopping/cooking/jobs/ironing done in those two days. Yes, I eat lunch, too ;)

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 15:18:18

I'm thinking that OP also takes the children to school, is responsible for them when not at work & keeps the house ticking over from day to day as well!

LineRunner Wed 07-Aug-13 15:21:19

I've timed all my house-workery, Redlocks when I'm not pissing about on MN and it's definitely more than 20 hours a week.

I'm on my own so I'm pretty clear how much I have to do. All of it. And it takes ages. Bloody ages I tell you. grin

Redlocks, do you also have time to get all the big one off jobs done in that time? Do you never do ANYTHING at the weekend or in the evenings?

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 15:25:10

Redlocks and all those of you who think I should be able to get it all done - just out of interest do you get some jobs done in the morning before you go to work? I'm a night owl so up at 7.15am most days and no chance to do many jobs before work - just empty dishwasher and get kids ready, breakfasted etc.

BeckAndCall Wed 07-Aug-13 15:25:37

I think the key is to accept that the housework is never, ever finished: the grass grows, the dust falls, people wear clothes everyday that need washing, food gets cooked and pots get dirty, and no one EVER sees the bottom of their laundry basket. If you did finish all this, you'd just have to go round and start again.

Until you accept this fact of the human existence, you'll always feel like its not finished!

irregularegular Wed 07-Aug-13 15:29:47

I take it you don't have any children at home during the school day? In that case, I think it is a good and realistic aim not to have any normal chores left during the weekends in term time (very different if you have children at home). If you still have stuff to do at the weekend, then either you are overly high standards, or you are being inefficient (sorry!).

I agree with the others that should work together to make a list of what needs to be done and how long it takes. If it turns out to be too much to do in two school days then you have a number of options: lower standards, buy in help, both do more in evening, or both do more at weekend. Writing it out together should help.

I work full time. I have a cleaner but only four hours a week. H does laundry in the evenings. I do food shopping (online) and cooking. There's not much to do at the weekend, honestly. If I had two full school days I would be laughing, even without the cleaner. When I worked three days I didn't have a cleaner and struggled a bit, but the children were only pre-school 3 hours on one day. That wasn't quite enough, but 12 hours would be.

You can spend your weekend doing chores if you want, but it might be more fun to find an alternative.

Nagoo Wed 07-Aug-13 15:30:48

If he's so efficient, why is he not completing the tasks in a few hours on a saturday morning? If they are so easy for someone of your ineptitude to do, despite your incapability, in 11 hours, someone so accomplished as him should have no trouble doing it in 3. Maybe you helping him is slowing him down? Perhaps you should stay in bed out of the way and let him get on with it.

Nagoo Wed 07-Aug-13 15:32:41

BOAST ALERT I couldn't let this go... I could see the bottom of my laundry basket for a full 20 minutes this morning grin

Redlocks30 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:33:21

Yes, I do have time tbh and I'm not whizzing round like a mad thing. I will still put the odd wash on at the weekends and keep on top of things, ie kitchen wouldn't look like a bomb has hit it when I make cakes with the kids as I clear up as we're going along. I'll swish bleach down the loo before I go to bed or put toys away as I'm moving from one room to the next, but none of these things take more than a few minutes-I won't spend hours doing housework at the weekends.

If everything is organised, I really don't find it takes that long in the week. When I get up in the morning, for example-I bring the washing basket down with me (maybe shove eg the towels in there as well) and put it on whilst the kettle is boiling, I then hang it out when I've walked the kids to school, then dust/Hoover and whilst I'm in each room-empty bins/replace loo rolls and then stop for a cup of coffee. I might then sort bills/paperwork and nip to the bank/post office before lunch. I treat it v much like a job-have regular breaks (novelty, as I don't in my real job!). I still make time to see friends for a quick coffee as well.

Honestly, I'm quite efficient but it doesn't seem that hard?!

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 15:39:10

Maybe you need to talk to your DH about your different expectations of how tidy things actually need to be.

Maybe the people giving you tips here don't have quite the high standards your beloved has.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 15:40:36

OP has four days off a week, her husband two.

They have a house & children between them.

I don't see why it should all fall to her tbh.

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 15:41:39

Totally agree diddl.

Peacocklady Wed 07-Aug-13 15:46:20

I used to do it all in 2 days within school hours with odd bits at other times.
Laundry in every day before work and in dryer after; whoever cooks the other washes up and i often did bathroom while kids in bath and a quick floor wash and bath clean when they're pratting about getting pjs on. Strict turn taking for bed duty and when putting kids to bed put clean clothes away. I guess doing all that on your own after tea makes things more difficult.
Did Cleaning / shopping / errands on days off and often met friends or did something I fancied too. I was the one who wanted weekend completely clear though and DH did garden and DIY. House isn't spotless though and quite small and I never ever iron.
I work ft now and DH works from home but we have a cleaner which is wonderful.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 15:51:24

I do get that the OP has more time than her husband, but I think what's pissing me off is that he's opted out, but moaning at her!

What did he do before OP & the kids??

xuntitledx Wed 07-Aug-13 15:51:48

Going against the grain here [sorry!] but working the same hours that your husband does and knowing you have 2 days off in the week, I wouldn't expect to have to pitch in at the weekend except for the 'daily' stuff.

For example, I'd expect the hoovering, dusting, heavy duty cleaning and laundry to be done whilst you're at home but wouldn't begrudge helping out with making dinner, washing pots, cleaning up after activities that are done over the weekend.

If the kids aren't at home with you, I'm not sure why you struggle getting everything done over the 2 days? Other than the daily stuff (dishwasher, making tea, cleaning loo etc) I tend to push everything to the weekend and can get everything done over 3-5 hours. I hate that I have this routine though as constantly feel like I'm "on the go" and don't get any rest time but can't be bothered spreading it over the week after I've finished work!

Swishing bleach down the loo, or giving a room a quick wipe and a 2 minute hoover isn't getting all the cleaning done to a high standard. (Although I do think it's sufficient for keeping on top of a busy home.) However it would appear that the OPs DH isn't prepared to lower his standards. 11 hours unhindered a week might be sufficient to keep a well organised house basically clean, but it leaves no time for all the extra bits that crop up as part of living.

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Wed 07-Aug-13 15:57:09

When you went part time, what was the reason for this?

What did you agree with your DH in terms of the share of housework?

What else are you planning to do on those two days off that you have?

If your children are at school on those two days, what else are you going to do with your time?

To be honest, I do have a bit of sympathy with your DH, but it depends on the answers you give to the above.

If I was working the long hours that he does, then I would also appreciate the weekend being free for time to spend with my partner and children.

However, if it has been agreed between the two of you that you have those days to spend taking some kind of course, or doing a voluntary job, or something else for you, then I would have a bit more sympathy with you.

Otherwise it does seem that you have quite a lot of time to deal with household stuff.

Why don't you do online shopping, as that can be done at any time of the day? You (or your DH) could do this once the children are in bed. Once you've got your regular shopping established it doesn't take long to do.

StuntGirl Wed 07-Aug-13 15:59:15

There is ALWAYS some new housework to do. In fact we make most of our mess over the weekend because we're both around.

I think if what you've got left over is half a days worth of jobs it's not so bad. And how can it seriously stop you from interacting with the family? Chuck some laundry on, play with the kids/go out, sort it out to dry when you get back etc. Or both do one more task in the evenings throughout the week to leave less to do at weekend?

Completely 100% free weekends are a bit if a myth tbh. Anyone who reckons they have them is just leaving the work they could be doing on those days til the Monday!

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:13

Oh, and I'm normally still tidying the kitchen, doing more jobs after he's finished doing bedtime. So he comes down, all finished, while I've still got dishcloth in my hand and moans that we don't have enough time together in the evenings - then he sits down and cracks open a beer because he's had a busy day - grrrr!

Basically this thread is just mirroring your argument with your DH, with some of us saying you have plenty of time and others saying you don't.

The truth is probably somewhere in between. It's hard to believe you couldn't be more efficient (you're not even doing online shopping yet wink) but that doesn't necessarily mean you can do every little thing.

Really, make a list of every single thing you do and try to see how it could be done either A) more quickly by you, B) more often by DH, or C) more easily by someone else.

peggyundercrackers Wed 07-Aug-13 16:19:38

im going to go against the grain here too - we have a 4 bed house and i would have no probs getting everything done in 2 days. dishes etc. are all done at the time of use - dont like them lying about afterwards. if im going to wash the shower down i will do it before i have a shower that day - dont see the point of having a shower then going back to wash it later. if i do washing i put it in as soon as i get up so it is ready to go out by 8.30am. all the little bits of time saved add up.

we dont do any chores at the weekend - maybe a little gardening, wash the car but no hoovering/washing etc.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 16:20:03

DH and i used to live in a tiny 1 bed flat (total shoe box) and i worked 3 days a week and i only just managed to do the cleaning/laundry in 2 full days. I shopped and did laundry one day and then batch cooked and cleaned the flat & put clothes away the next day. It took the whole 2 days. Not 9-3 and i didn't work 1-2 evenings a week either - which people seem to be overlooking the OP does too. So she really works 3.5/4 'days' a week while her dh works 5. Not sure about my mths but that makes about 20-30% more time the OP does not work so she should do 20-30% more than her dh not 100% by my calculations - please someone who can work it out come along! confused Therefore, if both OP and her DH have equal free time, this is clearly not enough.

I also wouldn't expect anyones working conditions to involve running, blue arsed fly like from office to office, having rushed meetings and speed typing emails etc. So if this is considered part of OPs 'job' then it is unreasonable to expect her to do the same.

Crinkle77 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:20:47

tell him to eff off. If he thinks that he can do so much better tell him to book two days off work, give him a list of jobs to be done and see if he can manage it.

x-post

So I'll say it again, make the evening washing up his job. You've cooked so it's fair that he cleans, plus it's something that can wait til the kids are in bed. And it's not like he can argue that you should have done it during the day!

If he's not willing to do this simple 10 minute job then I don't see why you need to worry about cooking for him.

And just to reiterate, when you are looking at things, don't think of it in terms of how I can do them better, think of it in terms of how these things can be taken care of more quickly by whoever -- you, DH, delivery guy, cleaner, etc.

Also get your kids involved if they're old enough.

Thesunalwayshinesontv Wed 07-Aug-13 16:27:14

I would just tell him that, given he chose to marry me and have children with me, he's got two choices: do it himself the way he likes and shut up, or let me do it the way I like and shut up.

As you will see, both choices involve shutting up. Moaning and nagging is such a colossal waste of time and energy.

Mumsyblouse Wed 07-Aug-13 16:32:15

Three days a week and one or two days a week, plus all the childcare in the mornings and the school run is a busy life as far as I am concerned- the evenings basically fill the hours of at least another day. I suspect his 7-7 is a commute as well. I am not sure he is doing much more, but the plain fact is you are tired and busy and doing chores all day and then going out to work is tiring and I don't see why he thinks this means there's no more housework to do on the weekend.

Also, it's very boring doing housework for two 5 hours a week, I would be tempted to do something much more interesting and have a dirtier house. He sounds a misery but it also sounds like you all have high standards, I certainly don't do half a day of chores on the weekend, more like 1 hour quick whip round plus the usual daily bathroom (5 min) and kitchen surfaces and washing up.

Basically you get to care for the kids and do the drudgery while he advances his career, not a great deal as far as I'm concerned.

Mumsyblouse Wed 07-Aug-13 16:34:13

I meant to say three days a week plus one or two evenings is quite a lot plus all the school runs, childcare and daily chores. That's pretty hard work.

Ask him if he'd like to swop, he wouldn't in a million years as his 12 hour a day job is probably easier and gets him out of lots of housework, I'm in his position but my husband works away so I do all the housework too which is why I don't think he's killing himself really.

BlingLoving Wed 07-Aug-13 16:35:25

I'm almost always of the opinion that the DH in threads like this is being an ass. But I think that possibly like many are saying, he's not really being unreasonable. You say you're often still doing the washing up when he comes down from putting the DC to bed? It takes us about 30 -45 minutes to do bath and bedtime with DS. In that time, I could easily clean the kitchen entirely and probably hang out a load of washing or two and then be ready to sit down at the end of it.

I wonder if you're not being particularly efficient? We have a cleaner for 3 hours a week and DH does the vast bulk of the washing during the week (he's at home with DS) and keeps the house generally tidy. Cooking and tidying up after is more or less shared (well, I do the cooking, he does the tidying!). On the weekend, chores are mostly limited to day to day things like cooking and cleaning up after meals and other activities and tidying lounge/bedrooms as we go. One of us tends to do a good clean up including sweeping etc downstairs while the other one puts DS to bed on a Sunday but that's it.

But I think it's possible he's pretty inefficient too - even if we didn't have a cleaner, both worked and had to do all the cleaning ourselves, DH and I could do the entire house together in less than three hours, with the exception that the washing takes longer as you have to wait for it a bit. Our house isn't tiny, but it's certainly not huge either. Four bedrooms, one bathroom (and a toilet), kitchen/diner and lounge.

UnexpectedStepmum Wed 07-Aug-13 16:40:02

How did he manage to have a pristine flat when he lived alone before meeting you? If he was working full time then, he must have done house work in evenings and weekends. Why does he think that no longer needs to happen when there are DCs to look after too? I am home full time at the moment on maternity leave and there is still stuff to do at weekends. I agree that he should take two days off and try to do it all.

toomuchtoask Wed 07-Aug-13 16:41:02

2 days to keep on top of the house is plenty if you ask me. I would be pissed off too if I ended up doing housework at the weekend if my partner had 2 days work free to do this.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 16:41:18

Agree Mumsy. My DH used to have a 4 hour commute a day. This involved 2 one hour nice train journeys where he could sit, read, snooze etc and he got a full lunch hour to potter round a gallery/go to a restaurant with his book. I'd have loved to have 3 hours per day to do that. So there was no sympathy from me.

mycatoscar Wed 07-Aug-13 16:41:57

I also work 3 days and on my 2 days off I walk the dog, do the laundry, clean the house, do admin for dh's small business and also do paper work for my own job (teacher) between 9 and 3.

The only house work type things we do at the weekend is another load or 2 of Laundry and cut the lawns but sometimes I do that in the week too.

Honestly, I think your standards are too high. If I can do all that in 2 school days then you are either doing everything too well or you are not planning the time well.

Internet shopping is my saviour, as is the belief that my house does not have to be scrupulously clean every day. I don't iron much either.

Whatever, you need to speak to your dh and be honest with him.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 16:46:27

So on the days 3 days (and evenings) you both work you cook and wash up? I don't think that sounds fair. It depends what food you are cooking but here cooking takes about an hour and washing up after takes about half hour. that's 1.5 hours x 5 plus the 8 hours you have to clean on your 1.5 days spare (remember you should have time off to make up for your evening work - if he gets to sit and have a beer while you are working, you should have equal time in the week for yourself).

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 16:47:13

I just don't see why I am expected to run around being mega efficient for those 11 hrs just to please someone else!

Why can't I just do the jobs at my own pace. I have to be v efficient for work so why can't I be a bit more relaxed for 11hrs of the week!

Life is not a race!

mumofweeboys Wed 07-Aug-13 16:48:05

I usually get all my housework done on sat morning before oh gets home at lunchtime so 7 to 12 and get it all done. I shop online so that makes big difference

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 16:50:13

Does he count your evening work in your WOH hours OP? Or is it because it's in the evening it doesn't count?

Mumsyblouse Wed 07-Aug-13 16:51:36

Anyway, I would object to being reduced in a marriage to my efficiency in cleaning. Ok, if the place is a tip, that's one thing, but if you are cleaning every day the usual chores, cooking, tidying up, plus doing at least one/two more days a week, that's really enough. I don't like the tone of this criticism. I would be very annoyed if my husband was that interested in my cleaning prowess, he's not all that when it comes to housework and neither am I as it is simply not that interesting.

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Wed 07-Aug-13 16:53:28

It sounds like you're whining a bit now, OP! What about the questions I asked you?

HopeClearwater Wed 07-Aug-13 16:56:13

I still don't think OP has given enough information for people to help her. Would still like to know what it is that her DH and she are having to do at weekends.
Plus, it's no good people saying, 'Well, I'd be able to do it in that time' or 'I wouldn't be able to do it in that time'. What matters is what the OP herself is able to do. Which is why I asked the question about what her (or her DH's) standards are.

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 17:03:16

Exactly, all these super cleaners showing off how much they can get done and how quickly doesn't really add anything. The problem is the different attitudes the OP and her DH have towards housekeeping.

Are his standards impossibly high or are hers too low?

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 17:03:54

BIWI:

1. Went part-time when DC1 was born because I wanted to spend time with him - DC1 is now 9 and DC2 is 6 - I am still p/t - but work more hrs now than I used to when DC1 was little.

2. We didn't really agree anything - the expectation was just that I would do as much as poss.

3 & 4. I would like to do some exercise on those 2 days off but feel I will manage less housework if I do so I don't. I occasionally have a coffee with a friend but would like to do that more.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:07:20

Could you get a cleaner?

Could you make your house more efficient? (ie better storage? My old house was always a mess because we had too much stuff and no storage or potential for storage)

printmeanicephoto Wed 07-Aug-13 17:08:51

In answer: my standards are probably fairly normal - (am comparing the state of my house to my friends' houses) although am probably a bit slack in the week with paperwork filing, washing and clutter - esp on the days I work!)

Whothefuckfarted Wed 07-Aug-13 17:11:01

I can't get everything done that needs to be done during the week and I DON'T WORK, so well done you. Here's a wine

DontmindifIdo Wed 07-Aug-13 17:11:48

I think the truth probably is that you are a combination of being not very efficient in the way you approach the housework/chores, that you underestimate how long things take, and that you are probably being distracted by other things.

You have 11 hours, I have a 3 bed house and pay my cleaners for 3 hours. In that they clean top to bottom, hover, they don't tidy up in that time, so if you have tidy as well, and as you aren't a professional cleaner, I'd say you should allow 5 hours to clean your house from top to bottom. That's one full day. Realistically, you're unlikely to keep up the momentum in that time, so perhaps say Thursday mornings you do downstairs, clean every room and hoover, Friday mornings you do upstairs. that gives you the afternoons to do everything else.

I can easily spend a couple of hours or longer on food shopping, including driving to/from and putting it all away/clearing out the out of date food from the fridge etc - so i'd say you need to remove that job from your list, do on line shopping, this will also help if you meal plan and think of relatively quick to cook meals, or things you set going (like stews) earlier in the day and just leave to cook. When working, I tended to get a food delivery on a Monday night, so spent sunday evening when DS was in bed deciding what I wanted to eat that week, doing the order - if you have something like Ocado set up, you can have a regular shop order that just dumps all the basics (like milk, bread, carrots, peppers, things you order every single week) into your basket so you only have to think about additional items for your meals.

Spend one afternoon running errands and one for other things round the house. I would say you need to put the washing machine on every evening, on your work days, can you set it on a delay so it finishes just as you get home from work and can hang it out and on your non-work days, set it to finish first thing in the morning so you can hang that out. Washing clothes daily will keep on top of it, not have it as a day's job.

If you have a dishwasher, why on earth are you washing up in the evening? Particulary if it takes you 30-40 minutes? Again, just wash up things that can't go in the dishwasher (and avoid using anything that can't go in the dishwasher) - wipe down the kitchen surfaces, fully unloading then reloading a dishwasher shouldn't take more than 15 minutes, a quick wipe down of the kitchen tops, that's a 20 minute job max.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:12:50

Is your DH messy? Does he leave his stuff around for you to sort and put away? (Eg - It used to take me 3 hours sometimes to sort thru DH's stuff laying all over the floor before i could even start cleaning!)

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Wed 07-Aug-13 17:15:07

So your children are now at school - what is the point of you having those two days off?

Your DH, presumably, thinks that now you have the extra time at home that is isn't unreasonable to assume that you could be doing (more) housework?

If you don't agree with this, then you need to talk it through with him.

However, given the length of the days that he works, I don't really think it's unreasonable of him to assume that you will be doing more housework.

You could be doing things more efficiently (e.g. online shopping, getting a dishwasher, arranging for a cleaner/someone to do the ironing), and/or you could also be asking him to do a bit more during the week.

But all of this has to be discussed with him.

I think YABU to dismiss your DH as having an attitude problem, actually.

If I was working his hours, and I knew my partner was at home for two days a week, not doing anything else, I would also assume that you would be doing more household stuff.

I have very low standards. Very low.

And loads of free time.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:17:05

I meant to say if so this adds to the time taken. I spend the majority of my time tidying and putting away.

Also how big is your laundry drum? I know this sounds silly, but our old one was tiny. So i used to do 3 loads of washing a day. Now we have a huge one and i do 4-5 loads a week.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:21:11

BIWI - i don't think those are particularly long hours that OPs DH is doing, part of it will be travel too.

OP - on the days you woh what are your hours? And then how long do you spend cooking and washing up and looking after the dc on those same days?

TartyMcTart Wed 07-Aug-13 17:24:51

When I went part-time (3 days a week) we both agreed it would be great as I'd have a day for chores and a day for me smile

Ok, my house isn't huge but if you get in from school in the morning and whizz round cleaning, washing, shopping, etc. you can easily get most things done in a day.

I (and my OH) would be pissed off if half the weekend was taken up cleaning, etc. when the other half had had two days off in the week to do... what exactly OP?

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 17:25:37

I'm the same as you, Whothefuck.

Think it's probably disorganisation & my "there's always tomorrow" attitude.

Maybe the OP could get more done-but just finds it too relentless!

And what's the incentive to do more when she gets moaned at for what she does do?

He creates washing/ironing/dirty plates, but seems to think that because he works longer hrs, none of it is his concern!

And unless they don't eat or wear clothes at the weekend, jobs are always building up!

grin Exit

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 17:27:14

I love all the snippy 'what exactly are you doing with your day young lady' type enquiries.

Mumsyblouse Wed 07-Aug-13 17:28:10

The Op doesn't have two days off, she does 1 or 2 evenings work a week plus the three days. Plus the school runs, daily chores, shopping and cooking. Hardly two days off- how long are the evening's work?

TartyMcTart Wed 07-Aug-13 17:30:46

squoosh why, what do you think she should be doing while her OH is at work?

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 17:33:01

Necking gin and watching Ryan Gosling films?

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:33:52

Can you estimate how long it takes to do each job OP? And go thru it like that with DH?

(ie i spend 1 hour bathroom, 1 hour kitchen, 1 hour hoovering and mopping, 30 mins dusting, 30 mins putting bits away, twice a week that's 8 hours before i even do laundry, ironing, cooking etc)

Crikey - can't people please themselves what they do? I read the paper, walk the dog, and generally waft.

TartyMcTart Wed 07-Aug-13 17:35:49

grin ok, I'm with you on the gin! Not sure who Ryan Gosling is so I'll take Will Smith instead wink

coppertop Wed 07-Aug-13 17:36:10

So the dh leaving the house at 7.30am, getting home at 7pm (presumably with breaks during the day), and sitting down with a beer after bedtimes classed as a long day?

Yet the OP working from 7.15am (childcare) and past the time when the dh is drinking beer means she has an easy life and should be doing even more?

I'd be interested to hear how much cleaning the dh does when he's off work. Does he do half when PrintMe is off at the same time, and all of it if she's still at work?

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:36:26

grin of course they can, but i was thinking more of how to get the DH to understand it's not ALL Ryan Gosling and gin!

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:36:55

That was to Exit btw smile

And I prefer vodka, but never before the sun is over the yard arm.

squoosh Wed 07-Aug-13 17:39:02

The sun is always over the yard arm somewhere in the world, that's my philosophy.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:40:38

i prefer beer and as long as it's pm somewhere it's okay with me.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 17:43:19

Ha! xpost Squoosh

oldham70 Wed 07-Aug-13 17:44:44

I feel your pain op. Dh works similar hours and thinks that he is entitled to do nothing except maybe get his food and leave a mess each evening.
I only work very part time and I can't cope.
We have 2 primary school aged dc and a baby.
Before xmas we had a big row when I said I couldn't cope without some input from him.
I was told I spent too much time going to groups and shopping.
And I would love to be able to clean the house in 10 or 11 hours. It can take me an hour just to tidy the crap from 1 room.

Mine too Squoosh

What's that song - It's 6 o'clock somewhere? Or is it 5 o'clock?

Oh no, another thread derailed - the last one was with chocolate.

Oooh - Oldham70 - Are you from Oldham?

tabulahrasa Wed 07-Aug-13 17:56:59

Those people who get all their housework done on one or two days a week...?

How does it stay like that till that time next week? Surely it's never actually all done except right after you've finished it?

And how can you not hoover at weekends, or only once a week? Does dirt only suddenly appear the night before you're due to do it?

Or is it just me that feels like nothing's ever actually finished when it comes to stuff like that?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 07-Aug-13 18:11:14

Well...Tabulah I suppose it's due to having some basic rules regarding the house...in my house it's shoes off....so that limits dirty floors....eating is only done in the kitchen unless you're talking about the odd biscuit and cup of tea.....I have hard floors so I sweep...this takes 5 minutes tops at the end of the day.

If something is spilled on the floor then I use a mop on the area. Mopping through is done once a week. I make my family put their own things away...a lot is done as we go.

tabulahrasa Wed 07-Aug-13 18:15:21

Nope I do all that too, well except I have a rug...and my stairs have carpet.

Just, well washing's only all done until everyone takes their clothes off that night, the bath is only actually clean until someone uses it and so on, surely it's a case of it's done enough to be happy with it rather than it's all done?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 07-Aug-13 18:32:59

Well yes...but you don't wash laundry daily. You do a day of it...or even if you DO wash daily, then you do one load....per day...which involves putting some clothes in a machine then taking them out again....hardly back breaking is it? people rinse the bath after they have used it...a quick spritz with cleaner is all that's required.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 18:35:05

Depends on your household really Neo, I used to do 3 loads a day. All that folding and putting away was never ending.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 18:36:57

Yes, it's not the washing & drying-it's the ironing if necessary & the putting away (for everyone??)

wordfactory Wed 07-Aug-13 18:43:49

If I had a pound for every time I hear myself say it's not the washing that's time consuming...

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 18:45:24

Well, it's not, is it?

Unless you do it all by hand?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 07-Aug-13 18:52:22

Diddl maybe I'm just a slattern but I don't iron. It's work for nothing. I vaguely fold things and if we're talking really creasy cotton frocks and things then I iron them before they are worn. DH does his own shirts as required.

wordfactory Wed 07-Aug-13 18:53:24

Exactly diddl...but the bloody drying, ironing, folding and putting away if a bastard!

Anyhting hand wash only goes stright to the dry cleaners!

wordfactory Wed 07-Aug-13 18:55:40

Until a while ago I had a housekeeper [princess emoticon] and now I don't, I am endlessly gobsmacked by how loooooong some chores take.

And it's not always the ones you think!

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 07-Aug-13 18:58:30

I think it is a combination of three things:-
You not being enormously efficient, your standards being too high, your dh not helping in the evenings when he should.

So perhaps the two of you need to get together and list each of these:-

More efficiently - tesco order rather than shopping, having a really good filing system rather than drawers (although your dh needs to accept the while you are doing this he needs to help out more) etc

Reduce standards - are you ironing things you don't need to? Cleaning things that aren't really dirty?

Dh help more - what is he doing while you are working? If you work / childcare while he works then he should too. If you are still cleaning when he finishes bedtime then again he needs to help out then. Perhaps have a load of washing timed to finish for just after bedtime so you can see whether he wants to clean or hang up.

Having said that - it really depends on the size of your house and the number of kids you have.

scallopsrgreat Wed 07-Aug-13 19:15:54

The OPs standards aren't too high. Her DHs are. Who does he think he is, her boss? Telling her she needs to all the housework in her two days off?

It really isn't a matter of her doing more than he. She already is, a lot more. This is only so he doesn't have to do ANY housework at all because it doesn't seem he is doing any during the week. Wanting to know how the OP spends every hour of the time or telling her she is inefficient is missing the point. He doesn't believe he should be doing any housework and he thinks it is OK to tell his wife how much she should be doing, despite doing none himself. He is quite happy for her to be carrying on doing the housework whilst he sits down and has a beer, every night. That is a sense of entitlement. And I am failing to see what all the quizzing about her being PT is all about? The problem won't go away if she goes FT. It'll probably get worse as he is showing no inclination towards doing it. Regardless of how much housework you do during the week, stuff still needs to be done during the weekend and he is resenting that.

I'd start by looking at how much leisure time you both have OP and point that out to him.

tabulahrasa Wed 07-Aug-13 19:21:35

Washing clothes takes minutes, except it doesn't...because you can't put the next load in until the first one's finished and it needs drying and putting away.

It makes way more sense to do it more often than leave it all to set times once a week surely?

I just think expecting someone to do everything in a set two days actually means it all takes longer than it would if it was being done at the weekend as well, especially if it's only the OP doing anything.

Iaintdunnuffink Wed 07-Aug-13 19:33:23

Agree scallopsrgreat.

If he did a few bits on the 2 evenings you're at work, he'd have less to do at the weekend.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 07-Aug-13 19:58:47

I think is sounds really crappy.

3 days plus two evenings is effectively four days work isn't it?

So on the equivalent of one weekday, after the school run and before 3 pm op is supposed to do every bloody thing for the entire family.

So her lord and master has a clear weekend.

Screw that!

lecce Wed 07-Aug-13 20:14:28

Some of the coimments on this thread about the dh have made me quite angry and I'm sure they wouldn't be made if he was a woman. Why do some people assert that they are sure his job is easier than her day is? How can we know that without knowing his job? Yes, some of his day is taken up with travelling, but that can be exhausting, depending on the commute - whether he drives himself, gets a seat, faces delays etc. Why is the school run and giving dc their breakfast considered 'work' by some but a commute is not? My dh iis a sahd and describes the school run as being a pleasant 10 minute stroll. Yes, there are rainy days and days when the dc play up, but it's really not that bad (his words). Of course, some are more stressful, depending on distances etc, but we haven't been told that - unless I missed it.

Of course if the OP works part time and her children are school age she should be doing more housework than her dh. On the other hand, he shouldn't sit on his arse with a beer moaning about what she has/hasn't done, but he is doing the bedtime routine every night - if the morning routine, done by the OP is considered 'work', then surely the night-time one is too?

I work f/t and spending time with the dc at weekends is so importae nt to me - if I was having to do tasks that ate in to that time while dh had had time 'off' and spent it 'having coffee with friends', I would be pissed off. I think the part-time arrangement was made when the dc were a lot younger, and now the dh is feeling a bit hard done by. Not all jobs involve having plenty of breaks and lovely, stimulating discussions with adults. Some are shock horror just as tiring, draining and stressful as, you know, that most difficult of tasks, housework hmm. I don't think we have enough info to know who is being the most UR, but I think the OP should be more open to discussion, rather than whining about coffees and feeling rushed.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 20:21:32

Yes Lecce, you are right. I mentioned the commute with relation to my DH's commute and did ask questions regarding his day etc. None of the questions were answered so suggestions were made. If of course OP comes back and says he works a manual/demanding job with no breaks etc from 7-7 then yes it is a hard job. If he gets 2 hours sitting on a nice train each way, his own hour lunch break to sit in peace and a non-rushed office day, then it isn't really as taxing. As usual the devil is in the detail here. No offence meant smile

Redlocks30 Wed 07-Aug-13 20:21:46

I work f/t and spending time with the dc at weekends is so importae nt to me - if I was having to do tasks that ate in to that time while dh had had time 'off' and spent it 'having coffee with friends', I would be pissed off. I think the part-time arrangement was made when the dc were a lot younger, and now the dh is feeling a bit hard done by. Not all jobs involve having plenty of breaks and lovely, stimulating discussions with adults. Some are horror just as tiring, draining and stressful as, you know, that most difficult of tasks, housework . I don't think we have enough info to know who is being the most UR, but I think the OP should be more open to discussion, rather than whining about coffees and feeling rushed.

After with this completely. Time is precious for everyone. I consider myself v lucky to have 2 days off work each week, (whilst DH works stupidly long hours) and use it sensibly so we've got more family time at the weekends.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 20:28:10

Perhaps how much/what needs doing at the weekend needs looking at?

It might not be that much or it might only be the husband who thinks it needs doing.

complexnumber Wed 07-Aug-13 20:33:00

*"He has a lot of responsibility at work, leaves at 7.30am and gets in at 7pm each day. He puts the kids to bed when he gets in and reads them a bedtime story. He sometimes does the washing up and tends to cook at the weekends (I cook in the week). *"

I haven't read the entire thread, but is anyone accusing the OP's DP of being a slacker?

He sounds amazing!

I have two non-work days a week. Two preschoolers, one disabled who is hugely time consuming in terms of care, daily therapy and weekly hospital appointments. I also work evenings and DH works away all week. Even under those circumstances I do all the housework and grocery shopping. It means our weekends are fun and relaxing, or we can make headway with house renovations, instead of squabbling over chores.

I agree therefore it is perfectly possible to get everything done in the time the OP has. The issue seems more to be with the mismatch in expectations between you and your DH, OP. You must talk to him, or build resentment, which will be awful for your relationship. Hope you can sort it so you are both happy.

mantlepiece Wed 07-Aug-13 20:38:55

Whoa people, why does life have to be a battle?

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Support each other, love each other.

I'm not feeling the love in your households.

I think everyone is too busy with "stuff" they don't take the time to nurture what is important in life.

The whole point is that it is easier with two people working together towards a common goal. Maybe pie in the sky but that is what it's supposed to be about.

You are married building a family, a home, unique to you. You and your husband are the adults, talk to each other, make that time to communicate your hopes and your dreams.

Please don't make your life a treadmill of toilet cleaning and fluff under the bed.

Well said mantel!

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 07-Aug-13 20:46:14

Two words for him 'Fuck' and 'Off'.

He comes in, does the nice bit (putting kids to bed and reading a story) while you do the shit jobs, then cracks open a beer leaving you to it... then strops about you 'not doing enough' on your two part days... he sounds like a real gem - not. Ask him when you signed up to be his fucking go-fer because you don't remember doing it! Git. I'd 'go on strike' until he pulled his head in and let him see just how much you do, do.

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 07-Aug-13 20:48:04

Oh and just because some people 'do it' doesn't mean you signed on to be a bloody stepford wife hmm There is a massive difference between 'getting what you can done so you can have fun at the weekend' and 'getting it all done so lazy fucker doesn't have to lift a finger' hmm

pointythings Netherlands Wed 07-Aug-13 21:01:24

I'm just amazed at all these people on here who hoover more than once a week and do a top to bottom weekly...

DH and I both work f/t, we hoover on weekends if we remember, keep up with laundry through the week, clean the kitchen as we use it (mopping down surfaces, clean the sink and the dish rack, floor as and when we can't stand it any more) and the bathroom and toilets ditto. Our house has dust, it has clutter and it is not pristine. We don't care because life is too short.

And I agree with the poster who pointed out that the OP effectively works 4 days a week, not 3. The principle of equal leisure time, pro rata when work is taken into account, has to be looked at here, and at the moment there is no balance - the OP has too much on her plate.

lecce Wed 07-Aug-13 21:04:15

Charming, ChippingInHopHopHop. OP says he wants to spend the time with his children, so he doesn't exactly want it for himself, as such. In fact, the way she describes his time with them as 'precious', having reread it, makes her sound quite resentful of it and snipy hmm.

And, lovely as it is to put your dc to bed, I love the way this is described as the 'nice bit' by some - it doesn't always feel that way when you've come straight from a busy day at work. Some jobs seem to be defined as 'work' if the SAHP does them, and 'a treat and a joy' if the WOHP does them.

Could you get a cleaner to come in for a few hours on Fridays OP? You and your DH clearly have different expectations and it's causing friction. Obviously one or both of you could get things done more efficiently dur

Posted too soon...

... During the week so your weekend are free but it seems the bigger issue here is the angst in your relationship and if you're not prepared to use your two days to complete everything and he's not prepared to sacrifice evenings you need to find another solution.

TartyMcTart Wed 07-Aug-13 21:10:32

Chipping When I get in from work, the last thing I want to do is put the kids to bed and read them a story. I'd rather sit down with a cuppa! Hats off to the OP's husband if he gets in from a 12 hour day and immediately starts sorting the kids out.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 21:17:37

OP probably doesn't want to be cooking/washing up when she gets in either!

But things need doing.

OP, I've made an assumption that you cook in the evenings there!

bettykt Wed 07-Aug-13 21:25:11

Your dh is bvu, I'm a SAHM and I feel that's my time to do stuff, I go to the gym, meet up with friends so sometimes I do housework, sometimes I don't. I will not run myself ragged doing housework, I don't have a cleaner and am quite disorganised, it used to bother dh but now he's accepted it. My house it not dirty btw. If dh says anything about lack of housework being done I go on strike for a week to show him just how much I actually do, he starts moaning when he's run out of clean pants. go on strike so that he can appreciate how much you actually do.

Mintyy Wed 07-Aug-13 21:26:06

Haven't read full thread, but agree with anyone who says the dh should do the same amount of housework/cooking/laundry as he would have to do if he lived on his own. Plus a few hours extra to represent what needs doing for the children.

Since when did working full time abdicate anyone of domestic duties? Particularly those with children.

lecce Wed 07-Aug-13 21:26:15

Fair point, diddl, but the dh doesn't get in until 7pm. If he then went into the kitchen and started tea, he probably wouldn't see his dc at all in the week - certainly not the 6yo. If he waited to cook tea after they went to bed, he and the OP would be eating very late, and he would have had a completely relentless day. Looking after a 6yo and a 9yo after school is a responsibility and a chore, but, imo, and obviously depending on the particular details to an extent, it cannot compare to working/commuting. With dc of that age, the OP should be able to have a coffee, listen to radio as she cooks, go on MN a bit etc, rather than needing to be 100% focused on the dc throughout the entire time. She has already said hre dh cooks at the weekends - I don't think it practical for him to cook much in the week.

Googlella Wed 07-Aug-13 21:26:57

Op, your Dh needs to realise you are not a robot. Why should you break your neck to get everything done. On one of your days off you might want to do something for YOU for a change. Sounds like he needs a wake-up call. If you were to,have a few days away he would realise how many unseen jobs you really do.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 21:29:09

I'm still curious to know what needs doing at the weekend.

Fortunately we've both always been of the mind that if we wnted to do famil things at the weekend, we did & the housework waited.

As long as everyone has clean clothes, there is food in the house & plates to eat off, then the weekend is housework free!

Emilythornesbff Wed 07-Aug-13 21:29:54

Is it the case that he's so capable that you feel inadequate?
There's always something to do isn't there? "a woman's work is never done" grin. But what is it hat's eating into family time at the weekends?
No idea whether he has an attitude problem. Unless he's being mean about the who,e thing, maybe he just thinks it's not fair that you get to go out for coffee/ gym etc every week and he's slogging away at work?
we all have different standards and methods so it's hard to gauge what's reasonable by other ppl's experiences.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 21:34:48

No one is disputing that he has a long day.

All I'm saying is maybe OP doesn't feel like cooking-but if she's first in, that's the way the cookie crumbles!

It just doesn't seem right to me that just because OP isn't out of the house for as long as her husband, she seems to be expected to do everything for everyone.

MrsOakenshield Wed 07-Aug-13 21:40:27

golly, my standards are in the gutter compared to most people on here! I wash the kitchen floor - maybe, once a month (sweep it every day)? Ditto bathroom floor? Hoover once a week. 3, maybe 4 loads of washing a week. Don't iron. Bathroom once a week. Kitchen as you go (no dishwasher). Paperwork gets dumped wherever. I have never washed the hardwood floors downstairs (they're a dark varnish, so hey! nothing shows). And we have cats. DH is tidier than me, but about the same cleaning-wise, better on paperwork.

I can't wait for DD to start school so I've got 2 days a week to read, and go swimming not at peak times!

Emilythornesbff Wed 07-Aug-13 21:42:27

Quite.diddl I agree.
But I can't make out whether that's the case.
Obviously he shouldn't be making her feel bad but if he clears after dinner and puts the dcs to bed he's not just sitting on his arse after work either.
I just wonder because my dh is very capable (although pathologically untidy) and it gates a bit sometimes grin. Also, although he sometimes takes me for granted, I take him for granted sometimes too.
It's too hard to call if op is bu without knowing more. So I wondered if it's more the "way he says it" IYSWIM.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 21:43:44

Diddl - i think OP said she cooks weekday meals. So yes, doubt she feels like that either after doing all the house work for the entire week in 5 hours on her one day off or before she works in the evening or when she's come in from her woh job.

Emilythornesbff Wed 07-Aug-13 21:45:31

Laundry gets done every day here.
But vacuuming once a week (apart from under DS's chair, that's about 3 time a day with the mini dyson _grin
Little sweep up after dinner.
Bathrooms: as you go but cleaned weekly.

Emilythornesbff Wed 07-Aug-13 21:46:32

gates = grates.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 21:49:00

Yes, it could be how he's saying it.

But if he is putting the kids to bed & clearing after dinner, I don't think that's any great shakes if OP has cooked tbh.

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 21:52:09

I vac every day because i have a crawling 10mo who can find any invisible microscopic bit and choke on it confused . But pre ds i hoovered/mopped twice a week. The carpets/floors would get very grubby if not (especially the kitchen and bathrooms. 3 days after cleaning Bathroom starts to smell like a urinal and kitchen cupboards are covered in food splashes/dirty hand prints too sad

MrsKoala England Wed 07-Aug-13 21:53:54

Sorry Diddl, i'm confused, i thought OP cleared up after dinner too?

formicadinosaur Wed 07-Aug-13 21:59:58

I think you both need to stop at the same time midweek.

diddl Germany Wed 07-Aug-13 22:04:31

Yes, maybe.

All we seem to know is that he puts the kids to bed & cooks at the weekend.

opilo Wed 07-Aug-13 22:09:31

I don't think his expectations are unrealistic, you have plenty of time to ensure that the house is clean and domestic chores are done.

Mintyy Wed 07-Aug-13 22:17:53

I think his expectations are completely unrealistic hmm.

He seems to expect that because he lives with you there is no requirement for him to do any housework or laundry.

What is that all about then? Is it because he is a man and you are a woman perhaps?

Shocking how these attitudes still exist. And in women too!

DoJo Thu 08-Aug-13 00:28:17

But, you want the time to go out for coffee with your friends and do some exercise - does your husband have time for these things? If you enjoying significantly more leisure time than him then it does sound like your arrangements are unfair at the moment.

MrsKoala England Thu 08-Aug-13 00:40:56

well if he has say an hour every night to sit and drink a beer while OP is doing dinner/cleaning up then that's 5 hours she should have for coffee and exercise on her day off. That would be equal and then they could share chores on Sat morning and have the rest of the weekend for family time.

BlackeyedSusan England Thu 08-Aug-13 01:50:40

nagoo. yep I definitely rememer seeing the bottom of my laundry basket too... but only a couple of times in the last 10 years. one of which was when i bought the damn thing

Emilythornesbff Thu 08-Aug-13 06:43:30

Well, even if you were to post a detailed account of each of your hourly workload and responsibilities, adding both of your available moments of leisure you still might not hear an unanimous response here grin
Maybe each of you needs to try to better understand each other's week and point of view.
Bottom line: you each should have some leisure time and no one should be making the other feel undervalued or inadequate.

CinnabarRed Thu 08-Aug-13 06:50:32

Exit - how did you do that?!!

Emjoi and two brackets either side

🎁

Nagoo Thu 08-Aug-13 09:53:02
AllThreeWays Thu 08-Aug-13 10:15:04

If you cant do it in two child free days, how do the rest of us do it when we work full time and we have the kids underfoot and social things to do on the weekend/

Quiet down cobwebs
Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby
And babies don't keep

DD is 13 now but my dust is still sleeping and I encourage spiders

<slattern>

maras2 Thu 08-Aug-13 11:37:28

Sorry,Print but I think that your pig of a husband is trying to provoke your anger so he can use that as an excuse to resume his affair/non affair/dalliance or whatever he calls it.Don't let him bully you and if he does start that emotional affair again,tell him to sling his hook.Good luck,love.

Redlocks30 Thu 08-Aug-13 11:39:02

Have I modded something? Where does the OP say her DH is having an affair?!

Redlocks30 Thu 08-Aug-13 11:41:08

Missed, not modded!

maras2 Thu 08-Aug-13 11:42:58

I remember her posts from begining of the year.Lots of good advice was given at the time.

outtolunchagain Thu 08-Aug-13 11:57:06

Those people who only do laundry once a week , do you have masses of clothes ? My children would run out if I did that .

I work 3 days but as my ds has a half day on one of those I only have 1.5 free days . I can't get it all done in those hours and feel a right failure on this thread.

The bathrooms need cleaning everyday so can't leave those for once a week and I find the weekends are when most of the mess is made because everything is at home.

Affair confused

I wash ever day but don't iron and don't really put away. We have the Room of Doom where clean clothes are dumped and the door shut. Sort of like a walk in wardrobe.

Arisbottle Thu 08-Aug-13 13:03:11

We have found that the only way we can cope is by doing an hour each before the day starts. Multi tasking is also your friend, so while the children are in the bath, clean the rest of the bathroom. While cooking clean the cupboards or sink.

I could probably clean our house in two days but it is clean and tidy to start with - and that makes a big difference.

Well if he's been emotionally unfaithful that changes everything. I'd agree with maras' interpretation if that's true.

Emilythornesbff Thu 08-Aug-13 16:29:29

Oh.
Well if maras2 is right then he is a pig.
So sorry.

Redlocks30 Thu 08-Aug-13 16:40:10

Is what Maras said true, OP? That changes the advice everyone will give drastically and your OP doesn't give a very representative picture of what's going in really.

MrsOakenshield Thu 08-Aug-13 21:08:31

maras is right. This is not just about housework.

(to the poster who asked about not doing much laundry - yes, I have a a fair few clothes for DD, cheap stuff and hand-me-downs - I just couldn't be doing with washing every day.)

maras2 Thu 08-Aug-13 22:50:20

Print,I'm sorry if my dredging up your previous posts about DH and his EA has upset you hence you've not come back but I was so sad for you and for the way that he treated you previously.No one deserves to be treated like this.You sound like a thoroughly good woman and lovely mother.Unfortunately he doesn't seem to be a nice man despite being a proclaimed Christian.I find nothing Christian like in his treatment of you whatsoever.You really do deserve better my love.

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