To want to get married first?

(87 Posts)
MadInfoScientist Wed 07-Aug-13 10:17:55

I know, it's an old chestnut, but it's keeping me awake at night!
DP and I have been together 5 years, living together for 3 years, engaged for just over 18 months. We are both 34; he was married once before (briefly), I've never been married.

Lately, DP has been feeling 'broody' (?), and wants to start trying for a baby starting now. I am not comfortable with this; though I am not really a traditional sort, I do want DP to make the committment to us as a couple first, and not just because we have a child together. DP is not at all marriage shy, he is just really keen on being a dad, which is lovely, but I guess I don't understand why we can't just have a nice, small wedding ceremony that's about us first, then start trying?! It's not as if I am dying for a huge wedding...the registry office with close friends and family will suit me just fine.

I know that some people view marriage as 'just a piece of paper', but still, it's important to me. I like the idea of saying our vows to each other in front of our closest friends and family, and commemorating that committment to each other. Anyway...he is lovely, and he's not pressuring me in a nasty way, but I feel like I'm letting him down. Am I being unreasonable??

HollyBerryBush Wed 07-Aug-13 10:20:45

No one buys the cow when they get the milk for free.

If you want the security of marriage then ask for it. If its only a bit of paper I never see why people complain about having it grin

angelos02 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:20:57

YANBU. The 'just a piece of paper' is bollocks.

Leeds2 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:21:02

Have you told him that you want to get married? What was his response?

Nagoo Wed 07-Aug-13 10:22:07

Have you told him that you'd like to be married first? What does he say to you?

I don't think you are letting him down at all!

therumoursaretrue Wed 07-Aug-13 10:22:21

Have you said all this to your DP? If you just want a small intimate wedding it could be planned in a matter of months and if DP is not wedding shy what is stopping you?

You could be married in a few months and be trying for a baby by Christmas.

peteypiranha Wed 07-Aug-13 10:22:28

I wouldnt ever have a child without being married first personally.

VinegarDrinker Wed 07-Aug-13 10:22:40

You're engaged? So presumably there is a wedding planned at some point? When?

badguider Wed 07-Aug-13 10:22:54

who is saying you can't have a nice small wedding ceremony before you start ttc..? have you said this is what you want?

if you are just keeping quiet waiting for a surprise proposal then yabvu but if you've said what you want and he says no then there's something weird going on there...

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Wed 07-Aug-13 10:23:07

I think I see both sides. Not that you are unreasonable at all to want to be married - it's good legal protection, and you are engaged so presumably he wants to do it. But also, he's probably right that if you do want kids you both ought to crack on fairly soon.

I think you need to work out what his sticking point is. When you say you want him to 'make the committment' I slightly worry, because ideally, getting married ought to be because he already has made that committment.

OTOH he might have other worries, like how long you think it'll take to get married, and might be seeing it as you having cold feet about a baby, so you may just be miscommunicating with each other.

What does he actually say about the wedding, and what would your time-frame be if you were to go ahead and get married?

meditrina Wed 07-Aug-13 10:23:34

Marriage might be "just a piece of paper", but like many other signed legal documents, it does make a difference.

If he doesn't want to marry, is it a deal-breaker for you?

noddyholder Wed 07-Aug-13 10:25:11

No one buys the cow when they get the milk for free? Awful thing to say

MadInfoScientist Wed 07-Aug-13 10:25:43

Oh, thank you!! His response, the last time we talked, was that we could start trying for a baby, and plan the wedding...I think he thinks that wedding planning is going to take ages, meaning he'll have to wait longer for a baby. I suspect it's our ages, as well...I think maybe he's nervous that we're 34 now, and it we leave it much longer, our fertility is compromised. Ok. Time for another discussion, I think...

runningforthebusinheels Wed 07-Aug-13 10:25:48

YANBU. Perfectly acceptable to state that you will not be having dc with him until you're married, and that you require that level of commitment first.

It is also perfectly acceptable to have children without getting married first, imo, as long as that is what you want. But marriage does give a mother a certain amount of protection in law if she were to give up work to look after the dc, and the father, further down the road, left/died.

therumoursaretrue Wed 07-Aug-13 10:26:26

Agree noddy.

Runningchick123 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:26:26

Just be direct and tell him that you would love to start a family with him but only after you have tied the knot. Having a baby in wedlock brings more security for the child in case for whatever reason you split or anything happens health wise to either of you (sorry to be morbid, but these are the practical issues). There is also the issue of the whole family havng the same surname and also not having to prove parental responsibility for consenting to medical stuff for the child.
Plus having a child is a huge lifelong commitment so marriage (if its what you want) should be part of that commitment.
You can always suggest going abroad and tying the knot if he is put off the whole idea of a wedding rather than the actual marriage.

FriskyHenderson Wed 07-Aug-13 10:27:14

You can get married in two weeks. Planning a wedding might take longer.

VestaCurry Wed 07-Aug-13 10:27:19

Discuss with him asap. You are engaged. That means you plan to marry. Tell him you want to marry first, it's important to you to do so before having a family. All very straightforward , so just be straightforward about it.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Wed 07-Aug-13 10:27:42

Yes, time for another discussion.

I think you need to start putting a time frame to him - do you realistically think you could be married in three months? Six? It really doesn't need to take as long as that to plan a wedding if it's a small one, but lots of people take ages, so it would be normal for him to wonder.

I do think if you're prepared to get married soon, you're not being unreasonable at all to wait.

karinmaria Wed 07-Aug-13 10:29:27

Completely understand where you're coming from. My DH said he could imagine us having children and getting married later, but I didn't want that as I wanted us to have the same, united, name on any potential children's birth certificates. Traditional, me?!

As you've been engaged for 18 months I'm wondering why you haven't talked about when you'd like to get married TBH.

As suggested below, talk to him about how you're feeling. You can quite easily have a small wedding by Christmas and start TTC then! Good luck smile

plantsitter Wed 07-Aug-13 10:29:46

Having planned a (moderate sized) wedding with 2 small children in tow, I would ALWAYS advise gettng married before having children, unless you want a quick in-out job.

Otherwise it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - if it is what YOU want, you should make it clear that you won't settle for less. You're entitled to ask for what you want.

MadInfoScientist Wed 07-Aug-13 10:31:00

LRDY- Good points...'make the committment' was badly worded...it should be more about making it legal, celebrating us, etc. But, that's sort of it...I think he's not as 'bothered' about the actual wedding and wants to crack on with baby making because he already feels committed. When we got engaged, it was ME who wasn't in a hurry to plan a wedding...not because of the committment thing, I was really excited to be planning a future...I'm just lazy! smile I never thought about the fact that I'm getting up there, and might need to think about babies! hmmm...maybe I was feeling too settled...

badguider Wed 07-Aug-13 10:31:47

Set a date in six months time... and if you don't mind the risk of not drinking on your wedding day start ttc in three to four months, if you do mind then start on your wedding night... either way you won't be 'wasting' too much time.

therumoursaretrue Wed 07-Aug-13 10:32:31

You def need a serious chat with him. I'm planning my wedding atm, we are planning it over 2 years as it suits us best financially, but it can be done so much more quickly. My cousin planned her wedding in 5 months and she had a big big wedding with over 200 guests.

There's every possibility to plan it in a short time and then try for a baby without losing out on much time.

At the end of the day it's the marriage that counts, the wedding itself doesn't need to be a big affair.

MadBusLady Wed 07-Aug-13 10:33:47

No such thing as "just a piece of paper". That's all wills, employment contracts etc are. Of course, families hope they will not fall out during bereavement and employers/employees hope to have a hassle-free relationship - but they still get the pieces of paper in place, just in case.

runningforthebusinheels Wed 07-Aug-13 10:34:07

I planned my wedding in 4 months. It wasn't a massive wedding, but lovely and relatively inexpensive. I could have done it quicker - the registry office dates were available. I hired the upstairs of a really fab restaurant for the reception meal.

The only thing you'll find is that you can't get a wedding dress specially made for you - I was called a 'short-notice bride' in the bridal shop. But I got a great dress off the peg.

karinmaria Wed 07-Aug-13 10:34:43

Cross post. Need to get better at typing! Seeing as you've talked about marriage and a wedding and he thinks it will take ages, you can give him the time frame you think is viable and ask him if that would be ok for him so you can start TTC straight after.

FWIW I planned my wedding for 100 people in 5 months and actually did nothing for the two months in the middle. If you're happy with a registry office and a nice meal that will take only as long as it takes to give notice of your impending marriage - 2 weeks!

flowery Wed 07-Aug-13 10:34:45

If you've been engaged for 18 months surely you have a date in mind, or at least an approximate date? Just wait to ttc until after then, or if you want to ttc now, bring it forward a bit. Much easier to both plan and execute a wedding without small DC around anyway, and surely if you are both intending a big wedding with lots of planning, you ought to be doing it now anyway.

MadInfoScientist Wed 07-Aug-13 10:36:05

I think I just needed the push here, thanks. We've talked about this in very brief, light hearted bits, but really, it IS really straightforward, so there is no reason why I can't just say it in a serious discussion. Seriously...I am NOT normally so reserved with my opinion...this just seems to bring out the wishy washy in me!!

I am off to do some work...so I'm not disappearing! I'll check back in a bit!

sparkle12mar08 Wed 07-Aug-13 10:36:11

Like the others, if you've been engaged for 18 months why isn't there a date set and planning already in progress? That's what getting engaged means, it isn't an end in itself. If it's just a bit of paper to him then tell him you can get that piece of paper in less than a month in a civil ceremony and if he won't do it, then there's your answer. I have a nasty feeling he's stalling you deliberately. I would not for a moment consider having a child without being married. See what his reaction is if you tell him that - no marriage, no children.

VinegarDrinker Wed 07-Aug-13 10:36:15

So the last 18 months of being engaged you haven't actually done any wedding planning? Do you want a wedding or a marriage? If the latter you can plan and do it in a couple of weeks. If you have fixed ideas about a big day with all the trainings then yes, it may take a while to organise. But if you do want that I'm not sure why you haven't started planning already? Isn't that what being engaged means?

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Wed 07-Aug-13 10:36:44

mad - sorry, wasn't trying to be picky, just thinking!

To be honest it does sound as if the two of you are pretty good together - you just need to sort this one out.

I expect if you make it clear the two of you can throw it together fast, he'll understand.

Btw, he does get that he can plan it, right? It is really bizarre (IME) planning a wedding as you fall into very stereotyped roles of who does what, but there's no reason he shouldn't also get into it and it'll halve the time it takes. It's not like you need a lot - the thing that might take longest at this time of year is getting a date at the registry on a sensible saturday, but even that might be negotiable depending when your friends/family would be free.

MimiSunshine Wed 07-Aug-13 10:37:07

NBU at all, but what is the reason you have been engaged 18 months and are yet to plan a wedding? He presumably asked you so why not just say, “How about we get married in November and start trying at Christmas?”. I worked with a woman who planned her wedding in 6 weeks and definitely had the big white wedding so if you want a relatively small one its doable.

Me and my BF are just a bit younger than you guys have talked about the future and both agree we want marriage and babies but he has hinted that he’d like a baby first “because we’d have to wait longer otherwise and we can get married any time”. Like you I’m not terribly traditional but I also want us to make the commitment to each as a couple before committing to a baby so i just said that i won’t be having any babies until we’re married.
It wasn’t a ‘here are my terms – its a deal breaker’ situation and we haven’t directly talked about it again but i know he’s taken it on board as every now and then he talks about ‘our wedding’ and mentions something he’d like.

SofiaVagueara Wed 07-Aug-13 10:39:51

I think you are right. I do question the logic of people who think someone is a suitable parent but aren't prepared to commit to that person for life.

If you have a child with someone you are making a bigger commitment than marriage. You will be linked to that person for life. You can divorce a bad husband or wife but a bad father or mother will still be your child's parent.

If you don't feel sure enough someone to marry them then you shouldn't feel sure enough about them to have a child with them.

I would be tackling this with your DP because if he is dragging his heels about getting married to you I would wonder if at the back of his mind he has the idea he might not stick around.

Do you really want to be left holding the baby without the financial security that marriage would give you? It's highly likely that having a child will negatively affect your pension and earning power, and if you don't get married you won't have the security of knowing these sacrifices will be recognized by the law and you will be recompensed accordingly should the worst happen and you split.

Nagoo Wed 07-Aug-13 10:40:09

I planned my wedding in six weeks. You can do it smile

MadInfoScientist Wed 07-Aug-13 10:41:59

LRDY I love the man loads, and he's lovely in so many ways, but I do NOT want him planning our wedding! grin

No...you're all right. As I said, our talks about this have been really too lighthearted, and no decisions have been made...I really have been lazy about wedding planning! I have never been the type to want a big wedding...I'm way too low maintenance, so I guess it has made me really lax on the planning. DP is nearly as bad, so having children should be interesting for us someday, eh?

DontmindifIdo Wed 07-Aug-13 10:44:52

realistically, you could be married before Christmas. How about that as a deadline? Start 2014 married and ideally pregnant too.

If you want a small registary office do, why not call today and find what dates they have available in November/December? Write a list of who you think you'd want to invite, get calling round hotels/nice pubs with rooms to have a meal and you could present it to him this evening as started planning. If he doesn't like that, then you can talk through other wedding options/prices, but it would give you a starting point. (once you start planning a wedding, you can get it done relatively quickly if you aren't all that fussed about details)

ineedtogetoutmore Wed 07-Aug-13 10:46:05

I was married before I had my dc but wouldn't have minded the other way around so I can see where youre dp is coming from. But the point of thos thread is that you don't feel comfortable with that so you should come to a compromise youre both happy with.

would you be happy with a smaller quickly organised wedding?
we had a small wedding 23 guests i wouldn't have had it any differently but it only took 4 months to plan well it actually took 2 days of phone calls and emails to plan but we had to wait 4 months for the venue.

my friends who have had bigger weddings have been a year in the planning and spent over 10-15k on them.

also is your dp worried about the cost of a wedding and having a baby right afterwards? if so a smaller wedding will cost less but depending on what you want even a small wedding can run into thousands.

I think you both need to talk properly and find a compromise youre happy with even if thst means going to the registry office one afternoon and grabbing two witnesses off the street

KRITIQ Wed 07-Aug-13 10:51:00

Elope with a couple friends/family as witnesses. Job done!

DontmindifIdo Wed 07-Aug-13 10:52:36

Oh and I know someone who'd got her wedding planned within 2 days, she didn't get married for another 11 months, but she'd called up, booked the church and venue, written the guest list, looked on line and picked/ordered invites, called the local florist and booked a visit to talk flowers, called a wedding dress shop and booked an appointment to buy a dress, booked hairdressers all by the time we saw them for a Sunday lunch, they'd got engaged on the Friday. She said didn't understand the months of fuss other brides did...

(although to be fair, she wanted to get maried in the church she went to as a child and there was only one hotel in the village, so she didn't have months of trapsing round venues to find one)

Shrugged Wed 07-Aug-13 11:04:31

We got married a week before my due date, having never wanted to be married, but it suddenly struck us that it was the easiest way of settling the legalities before our baby arrived. Admittedly it was just us and two witnesses in our lunch break, but all it involved was a couple of phone calls, a minimum notice period, and a visit to the local registry office with some documentation. You could easily add guests and a nice meal or party in a pub without much more trouble or time. It really doesn't have to be a frenzied odyssey of frocks, florists and 'bridal fayres'! And low key can be very romantic...

Just sit him down and say "I love the idea of us having a child together, but I want to be married when we have it (when we conceive?). So, let's have a small wedding and just invite x,y, and z. We can talk to the church/registry office and see what dates they can do us. How about it?"

It doesn't sound like either of you are being unfair or unreasonable, he's probably just worried that if you have been vaguely "engaged" for 18 months and haven't done anything about setting a date, then "after we're married" means about the same as "when pigs start to fly" and he doesn't want that to happen.

Jan49 Wed 07-Aug-13 11:16:57

I think you've both been dragging your heels since you've been engaged for 18 months and not planned the wedding yet. What's the point in getting engaged if all you do is err get engaged?

I don't feel comfortable with the idea of having children without being married - probably because I'm an older generation and getting married first was the norm for my generation - but also marriage protects you better legally.

I don't think you're letting him down. If anyone is letting anyone else down, it's him, by agreeing to marry you but then pushing for a baby and not planning the wedding.

KatAndKit Wed 07-Aug-13 11:22:17

I am having a big wedding and it took less than a year to plan. Could have been done quicker but i wanted the school holiday date. My parents married three months after getting engaged. It does not have to take two years. Many venues will have late availability especially if you don't require it to be a Saturday. You can use coast, phase eight,monsoon, john Lewis etc to buy a dress off the peg or even bridal outlet shops or secondhand.
if it is the legal security you want you can go to the registry office with two witnesses on a weekday in your jeans.
i did things the other way around and had the baby first but if being married first is important to you then you must stand your ground. It will make your fiance pull his finger out if he is so keen to start a family. If he is the procrastinating type and you ttc first then the focus will be on the baby and that could put the wedding back another couple of years.
in your situation i would tell him you are also keen to start a family but the marriage is important to you. Suggest you both get on with it as soon as possible and then try for the baby in the new year. You could easily plan a nice hotel wedding in time for Christmas.

eurochick Wed 07-Aug-13 11:22:59

You don't have to spend years planning a wedding. We were engaged for 7 months (but our alternative date would have meant 5 months). My BIL/SIL got engaged at Xmas and married at Easter. We both had weddings with 50-100 guests and a full reception and so on. You could easily be married by Xmas if you want to be, and if you don't mind being pregnant at the wedding, you could start to ttc a couple of months before that.

littlemrssleepy Wed 07-Aug-13 11:27:50

I wouldn't have children without being married, although its for the legal protection rather than any moral reasons. It is still probably the norm for one parent's life to change more than the other's - in our case it's mine. Whilst its getting back on track, my career will never be what it could have been. My earning potential has gone down, my pension pot has taken a beating. As is often the case, having kids has done wonders for DH's career - he now earns twice what he earnt 6 years ago before having kids. I don't want to get into the rights and wrongs of that - there are some things I would change with hindsight but (financially at least) it has worked out great for us a family. However, if we were ever to split and we weren't married, I would be well up the proverbial creek without the protection of marriage, especially if it were acrimonious. Your personal situation might be very different - maybe he will be the one who makes career sacrifices, or you'll be one if the few (in my experience!) who are able to share things a bit more fairly.

meganorks Wed 07-Aug-13 11:31:36

Not sure why you are engaged with no wedding plans. To me you get engaged when you are ready to get married even if the wedding is going to be a couple of years away while you save. I don't think being engaged alone is any firm commitment. So would say YANBU on that front to say marriage first.

I say this as someone who has had kids pre marriage though. For me I knew the commitment was already there so happy to have kids first. Now engaged, wedding next year.

sicutlilium Wed 07-Aug-13 11:33:40
CunningAtBothEnds Wed 07-Aug-13 11:42:13

I think if you want children time is not on your side. Unless you fear he will wrong you or never marry you, then I would prioritise children.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 07-Aug-13 12:21:25

I know two people who got engaged on NYE and one was married in April and the other in May. Both had "big" weddings with all the trimmings.

Admittedly the April one is an Events Organiser so has lots of contacts but the May one was a junior doctor so really busy with non wedding things and still managed it.

I reckon if you were flexible about dates and venues you could be married in (unpopular) November. If things work out you could be seeing in the New Year on Orange squash! wink

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 07-Aug-13 12:31:04

It will only take couple of weeks to sort a registry office, have a big meal afterwards with the invitees, then off for a ttc-ing honeymoon. Done.

I don't really understand big weddings or long engagements, I'm another one with a six week wedding and even then, it would have been sooner, if I'd had time off work earlier.

TheCraicDealer Wed 07-Aug-13 12:39:56

Hmm, if fertility is a concern then you could say, "ok, we'll start trying as soon as we book the registry office, for within the next six months". Then you might have a lovely little announcement to pop into the groom's/bride's speech smile

Sallyingforth Wed 07-Aug-13 12:42:34

It will only take couple of weeks to sort a registry office, have a big meal afterwards with the invitees, then off for a ttc-ing honeymoon. Done.
Exactly what DP and I are intending to do. We are not ready yet, but when we are it will be planned and done within a month.

MissDuke Wed 07-Aug-13 12:56:00

My sil and her boyfriend were together for 8 years when he proposed out of the blue - they were married 3 months later. His father was very ill and he wanted his father to see them marry. His father died a few weeks after the wedding.

Let us know what oh says when you discuss it :-)

MissDuke Wed 07-Aug-13 12:56:00

My sil and her boyfriend were together for 8 years when he proposed out of the blue - they were married 3 months later. His father was very ill and he wanted his father to see them marry. His father died a few weeks after the wedding.

Let us know what oh says when you discuss it :-)

OryxCrake Wed 07-Aug-13 13:13:35

We did the tiny, registry-office thing and booked it around eight weeks before the actual ceremony (you have to do it a certain amount of time beforehand, but I can't remember how long).

So, if you wanted, you could arrange something small for the beginning of Autumn, with maybe a lovely celebration meal as others have said, and you can start ttc as a married couple.

If you want a bigger celebratory party with your family and friends, that doesn't necessarily have to be at the same time.

OryxCrake Wed 07-Aug-13 13:15:52

Forgot to say YANBU - it's important to you and sorting the legalities is a sensible option (although we didn't get round to it until the DC had grown up!)

JRmumma Wed 07-Aug-13 14:10:32

If you are engaged then why not just get married as soon as possible then try for a baby straight after? You only need to give 16 days notice (or something like that) so im sure your biological clock wont stop ticking in that space of time! Might not be quite what you had imagined as a wedding day, but at the same time doing it quickly so you can start a family is quite romantic. Its not like you are rushing into things though, seeing how long you have been together/engaged.

Im glad i got married before starting a family, your wedding wouldn't be the same with a small child in tow IMO.

Cakebaker35 Wed 07-Aug-13 14:18:24

You've been engaged for 18 mo so have you spoken about a date? If not then crack on! As others have said, it really doesn't need to take ages to organise a wedding and I agree with others that if it is important to you to do this before having a family then you need a proper talk with your partner, if he's anything like mine he'll need it spelt out to him smile

Sokmonsta Wed 07-Aug-13 22:53:40

We booked and arranged our wedding in 2 weeks. That is the minimum amount of time you have to wait. If you're genuinely not fussed about a big day then I highly recommend this as the least stressful wedding. I didn't give two hoots that I had only immediate family and a few close friends, or that one of my aunts reaction to getting a 'we've tied the knot' card (so they knew I'd changed my name and nothing more) was to be offended she had not been invited and to bin the card. It was a bloody brilliant day and we were already out at a black tie do that night.

I always wanted to be married before having children. for me it didn't work out that way and dc 1&2 arrived before we could get married (dh had to divorce first!). Dc 3&4 (twins) arrived a year and a day later though.

Talk to your oh. If its a case of just doing it, it can be done really quite soon.

NoComet Wed 07-Aug-13 23:12:37

Conceiving can take a while, so I would be tempted to do the two in parallel, if you get it right you won't be able to drink, but you will be able have a nice honeymoon.

And yes it's just a piece of paper, but it's a symbolic and a practical one. DFs got married last year after 20years together. He is a lot older and as he nears retirement it makes things far simpler. Also, I think, she wanted her dad see her married and secure. He brought her up, mum died when she was little.

They had a lovely quiet registry office wedding, tea and cake at dad's and a meal in a restaurant in the evening, very civilised.

ShadowMeltingInTheSun Thu 08-Aug-13 00:57:16

Planning a wedding doesn't have to take long.

DH & I organised our wedding in 5 months, but you can do it in much less time if you're more bothered about the marriage than the wedding.

I think legally you have to give a registry office something like at least 2 or 3 weeks notice of your marriage, so if you found a venue (i.e. registry office!) & a registrar, you could be married within a month if you put your mind to it and you're not bothered about a fancy wedding.

And FWIW, I felt the same way as you about wanting to be married before having DC. It may just be "a bit of paper", but it's a pretty important bit of paper to have IMO.

Tubemole1 Thu 08-Aug-13 01:08:35

Takes two weeks to get married. Bish bash bosh done. Drinks reception after, then use wedding night to make a baby.

Crass? Me? wink Never.

valiumredhead Thu 08-Aug-13 16:29:28

There's no way I would've had ds without being married first.

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 08-Aug-13 17:09:30

I wouldnt have agreed to children without being married first. They are a huge commitment and need to be bought into a secure long relationship.

Wedding can be done in two weeks, no need to spend a huge amount of money on basically a party and matching colour scheme. The money could be far better spent on the children or mortgage.

runningonwillpower Thu 08-Aug-13 17:18:32

This is a very personal point of view but I would not choose to have a baby with a man who didn't want to marry me.

And by 'want' I don't mean getting engaged. Getting engaged doesn't really mean a thing unless you get on with the getting married bit.

MadInfoScientist Fri 09-Aug-13 10:10:12

Hello!! I'm back, and thought I'd update you all! I am so glad I posted this thread...it was the kick up the backside I needed, and DP and I have had some great conversation over the last couple of days. I won't get into all the details...it would be the longest thread ever, but basically, we just weren't being very straightforward with each other, so we needed a good sit down.

So...we're getting married!! Woo hoo!! Going to the registry office with parents and our best mates on the 20th September, then having a party (at my parents' house) on the 21st to include all friends and extended family. I have no idea why on earth I waited so long to plan this...it was the easiest thing we've ever done!

So...thanks all, for making me see the insanity of our situation!! grin
I'm a happy lady!

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Fri 09-Aug-13 10:12:28

Congratulations! smile

Sounds as if things went very well.

Nagoo Fri 09-Aug-13 10:16:40

FANTASTIC! Congratulations smile

MadInfoScientist Fri 09-Aug-13 10:17:08

Thank you, LRDY...can't believe I waited so long to do it...it was so easy! Hopefully, I'll be back a year from now desperate for baby advice! grin

namechangeforthispost864269 Fri 09-Aug-13 10:18:57

awww congratulations op what a lovely update. wishing you and your dp all the best :-)

Trills Fri 09-Aug-13 10:25:08

Congratulations!

JRmumma Fri 09-Aug-13 10:37:21

Fab news! Congratulations!

CSIJanner Fri 09-Aug-13 10:46:56

Yay!! Am watching this thread so I can throw some virtual confetti grin

Sallyingforth Fri 09-Aug-13 11:11:55

Very happy for you! Now get busy on making babies...

redexpat Fri 09-Aug-13 11:19:58

A lot of venues will offer a last minute deal, so you could easily plan within a month, assuming hte registrar is available that day.

redexpat Fri 09-Aug-13 11:20:40

Oh well done! Congratulations!

karinmaria Fri 09-Aug-13 11:35:19

Big grin from me! grin

Congratulations! Have a wonderful day (and marriage!).

runningforthebusinheels Fri 09-Aug-13 11:40:47

Congratulations op, I hope you'll be very happy. That's a great way to do a wedding.

Petal02 Fri 09-Aug-13 11:51:01

Aw, what a lovely post - I do enjoy a happy ending !!! Have a wonderful wedding, and lets hope you're soon proud parents xx

NotYoMomma Fri 09-Aug-13 11:52:05

Team Marriage here.

98percentchocolate Fri 09-Aug-13 11:52:10

I wanted to get married before having dc originally but life intervened and we ended up having dd beforehand. We still aren't married and I doubt it'll ever happen now. We just don't have the time or money to plan a wedding (even a registry office one). We call each other DH and dw to other people so everyone already assumes we are married. It feels like it too. I've tried raising the legal issues of us not being married but it hasn't worked. I've given up now.
Moral of that story is; if you really want it then you need to go for it.

98percentchocolate Fri 09-Aug-13 11:53:26

Oops didn't see the update (could only see first two pages for some reason!!)
Congratulations op!!!

Bue Fri 09-Aug-13 11:56:55

That's wonderful, congratulations! Happy wedding and happy baby making!

TheSlug Fri 09-Aug-13 11:57:24

That's lovely! Congratulations!

LazyMonkeyButler Fri 09-Aug-13 12:00:29

Fabulous! Congratulations!

Beautiful. flowers

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