to think I have a right to know my child is going to have a sibling?

(55 Posts)
CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 22:49:46

My exHs girlfriend is pregnant. I guessed several months ago when our dd was moved out of the bedroom next to his against her wishes yet still my ex has not actually told me. I have had another child since we separated and ensured I told him rather than him hearing it from someone else as obviously having a sibling is a big deal for our daughter. AIBU to think that exH should have told my daughter and I? She found out yesterday when her old bedroom was left unlocked and saw a cot etc in there. Girlfriend is at least 5 months pregnant so not waiting for the 3 month thing.

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 22:54:44

I think your DD had a right to know, not necessarily you.

Maybe his GF has had a late miscarriage or stillborn baby and didn't want to tell anyone? Especially a young child.

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 22:55:19

I mean previously, not in this pregnancy.

FredFredGeorge Tue 06-Aug-13 22:57:31

You have no right, DD has a right and shouldn't've found out by seeing a cot, however they are not being particularly unreasonable about waiting longer than 3 months, but even then you have no right to know, sorry.

deleted203 Tue 06-Aug-13 22:59:22 old is your dd?

Don't actually think you have the right to know anything, but it's slightly odd that they haven't told dd. It is however, up to them when they inform people they are having a child. How do you know gf is at least 5 months pregnant? And how do you know they weren't waiting for tests to see whether they continued with the pregnancy? For all you know they might have been waiting for an amnio and the test results back before deciding to tell dd they were having a baby. I know having a sibling is a big thing for dd - but I think YABU to state 'I have a right to know'.

It's probably courtesy to inform you rather than you hearing it from someone else - but it's certainly not your right.

HeySoulSister Tue 06-Aug-13 23:00:29

How do you 'have a right'?

It's not happening to you

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:00:44

No she hasn't Famzilla. Dd was moved to a different bedroom around 6 months ago - surely if she's that far gone dd needs to be told rather than just go for contact and find a baby there!

edam Tue 06-Aug-13 23:00:56

I'm not sure talk of 'rights' is helpful here. Clearly they will tell dd at some point - it's a shame she had to find out by glimpsing the cot. Was she upset at all, or merely passing on something she'd observed?

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:03:32

I phrased it badly. In the ideal world, exH should've told dd by now and informed me out of courtesy as it's a big deal for her. They aren't waiting for tests or anything - everyone else knows.

HeySoulSister Tue 06-Aug-13 23:04:57

How do you know??

It's their news and up to them who they tell and when

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:05:37

She was upset they weren't honest about why she had to move bedrooms, upset they haven't told her, upset that she hasn't seen a scan picture etc. She feels excluded.

Lweji Tue 06-Aug-13 23:13:13

How old is your DD?

I'd encourage her to ask them directly about it.
And give them the benefit of the doubt.

Cravey Tue 06-Aug-13 23:14:07

Your child has the right to know when her father and stepmother see fit, you have no right at all. How old is your dd ?

MikeLebowski Tue 06-Aug-13 23:22:35

I don't know about 'a right' to know but yup when I became pregnant Dh ex was one of the first to know. We don't get on particularly well, however as it's potentially upsetting and confusing times for my dsc it just seemed like the decent thing to do.
She appreciated the heads up.

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 23:29:37

How do you know she hasn't? Can you honestly say you know everything about this woman's life?

Aside from DP, my closest friend and a few HCP's, no one knows that my PFB is not actually my PFB..

IneedAyoniNickname Tue 06-Aug-13 23:30:08

Actually I think you do have a 'right' for want of a better word, as the new baby will affect your dd.

My exs gf is pregnant. They told the dc when she was 3 weeks, but they didn't tell me as they didn't want to upset me. I only know as someone mentioned it to me, that was a shock I can tell you!

Ex casually mentioned "babyname" on the phone last week, I was so tempted to reply "who the fuck is babyname?" But didn't because I was in the co-op

Like Mike said its a potentially upsetting and confusing time for existing dc, and knowing would have made me trying to work out why my 8 year old had seemingly had a personality transplant much easier!

GiraffesAndButterflies Tue 06-Aug-13 23:35:22

Do you actually know for sure she is pg? Cot by itself doesn't mean that.

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:42:39

She's 8. They've told everyone else.

Oodelaranana Tue 06-Aug-13 23:42:40

You say everyone else already knows? What do you really know for sure and what are you just guessing? I don't think you have a right to know but it would have been polite and sensible to have told you. I do feel very sorry for your DD though if they haven't told her and included her properly. They are setting themselves up for trouble and hurting her by acting like that when she might have been really excited about the thought of a baby if handled better.

Cravey Tue 06-Aug-13 23:44:23

I think you may be just guessing here, how do you know who knows and who doesn't ? Regardless it's still down to them to tell your child. They don't have to tell you anything really. It's sad for your dd if she feels pushed out but it falls to you to make things easier.

crazykat Tue 06-Aug-13 23:46:08

Sort but its none of your business that they're having a baby together. They should however have told your DD but its up to them when they want to tell her. Just because you felt the need to tell your ex when you were having a baby doesn't mean he has to do the same.

Oodelaranana Tue 06-Aug-13 23:48:05

Can you gently ask them yourself? Perhaps say that DD has guessed because of the cot and see what they say? If you're sure other people know I can't see a good reason why they haven't told your daughter.

Viviennemary Tue 06-Aug-13 23:52:05

I think it is only courtesy that your ex should tell you his partner is having a baby if your DD sees them. I agree that it is the decent thing to do.

aldiwhore Tue 06-Aug-13 23:52:11

I feel for your dd, and I do think that although they shouldn't have to tell you everything, as this is something that will affect your dd, they should have told her and made her feel included, and because of that, it would have been courteous and better all round to tell you too.

But... people are odd. All you can do is support your dd, be positive, as positive as you can. It's not the baby's fault that your dd's father made her feel left out, and she needs to believe this.

olidusUrsus Wed 07-Aug-13 03:24:44

Yes I think they should have given you the courtesy of letting you know your DD was going to have a baby brother or sister appearing at some point. Your DD certainly should have been told, finding out by seeing the cot must've been horrible for her.

I'd do what Oodelara said.

Ericaequites Wed 07-Aug-13 03:33:08

Your ex husband should have told your daughter himself when his girlfriend was expecting. It would have been courteous for him to tell you as well. It's vulgar to tell people one is expecting before three months. Still, one ought not wait until the new child's arrival before informing half-siblings. There's a middle ground, and it's best all around to stick to same.

Firebomb Wed 07-Aug-13 03:40:26

I have a biased opinion about this so I doubt I'll be very helpful. But when I got pregnant with my ds, my SO told his XW about it and she told him that I should get an abortion so that he could spend all his time focused on their son and not this 'bastard child'. She is completely unreasonable about my son and thinks my SO should have nothing to do with him, especially if it interferes with her life in anyway. (ie, she wants to talk with my SO and we're at a GP appt for the LO. She told him to leave the appt and speak with her immediately and that it was my job to take care of the baby and it was his job to listen to her.)

So I'd say no, you wouldn't have a right to know about the baby and eventually your DD would be told about it but they may just be being cautious. (I was very high risk my entire pregnancy and could have lost the baby at anytime so we prepared my SO's DS for that possibility, even though he didn't really understand because he was 4. All he knew was that I was getting bigger because I had his little brother in my belly.) If your XH's gf hasn't started showing yet, they may be waiting for your DD to notice before they explain if she is very young. They may not want to deal with the impatience and be waiting to tell her til it's closer to time (I so wish we would have done this because almost 7 months of 'is my little brother gonna be here yet?' was daunting LOL)

bearleftmonkeyright Wed 07-Aug-13 07:24:45

Yes, it would be courteous to have told you as it effects your dd and you clearly did the same thing when you had your child. God, its a really difficult one. All I can say is it would be unwise to make too much of a big deal about it. Yes it affects your dd, but you can still be supportive ti your dd with the information you have. I would have a quick conversation with xh just to make sure the facts are straight.

SleepyFish Wed 07-Aug-13 07:30:01

I don't understand why they have moved her out of her bedroom already. Surely the baby will be in it's parents room for a while?
Anyway yes it's strange they haven't told your dd and a shame she's had to find out by accident.

Chocolatepup Wed 07-Aug-13 08:48:41

I think they should have told your DD (who would in turn no doubt tell you but you have no 'right') here. They should be trying to make her feel involved and included and the fact that they're not is a bit shit actually.

Chocolatepup Wed 07-Aug-13 08:50:07

I'm still getting up to date with mn abbrevations, what's a SO Firebomb?

manticlimactic Wed 07-Aug-13 08:58:42

Significant other? chocolatepup

My ex took ages to tell me about his gf being pregnant, she was just about to drop. He told DD and she told me months later. I would have liked to be told as her behaviour had changed a lot and I was at a loss as to what was the cause. Turns out she was worried about how things would be when the baby arrived (the gf hadn't even lived with ex up to this point) Had I known about the pregnancy I could have spoke to her DD about it and reassured her/talked through her worries with her.

manticlimactic Wed 07-Aug-13 08:59:31

her DD

HollyBerryBush Wed 07-Aug-13 08:59:40

None of your business. It is your Exs business to tell his daughter at a time he feels is appropriate.

livinginwonderland Wed 07-Aug-13 09:09:37

I think you should be told simply because it will affect your DD. She has a right to know that she'll have a new brother or sister and it's important for you to be able to help her adjust to that. Is there any reason your exH didn't tell her or you?

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 09:32:15

No reason I can think of - I have no problem with it and dd would be fine too, she just hasn't liked the way it's been handled. One of her dad's friends children mentioned something about them having a baby a couple of months ago but dd told them they were mistaken - turns out they weren't and now dd feels a fool for not knowing first. Her father constantly tells her he doesn't have time to see her more so she's annoyed that he's got time to have another baby and could do with reassurance which I could've provided if we'd known sooner. It's going to be difficult now it's not that til she's due and dd has already been moved from her room, contact has been reduced etc.

Blissx Wed 07-Aug-13 09:44:15

I personally think both you and your DD should have been told. It DOES affect your DD and by association you. It will also affect, potentially, visitations with your daughter and her father, potentially in the future, if they have to cancel or re-arrange because of a newborn. I understand your concerns.

Unfortunately, it is done now and there is not much more you can do. However, I think it does set a precedent for what is to come. The new GF appears to not want to include her new baby's half sibling in to what is a wonderful, but also uncertain time for an 8 year old. I think you will need to keep a close eye on your DD, to help her not feel excluded. I mean, they chuck her out of her bedroom without even telling her why and let her find out like that? I'd be livid.

geologygirl Wed 07-Aug-13 09:46:04

On the basis that your ex laid down and created a life with you previously, then yes he should have the decency and respect to inform you. Your DD is in his life and it will have an impact on her life.

Why don't you just ask him? Say dd saw the cot and you are wondering. Completely harmless to ask the question!

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 15:25:50

No point asking geology - I already know it's true and he'll take me asking as a sign I'm jealous knowing him. Just feel bad for dd that it wasn't handled better.

DidoTheDodo Wed 07-Aug-13 15:31:56

I'm not sure why your dd feels upset not to have seen the scan pictures.
And the 3 month thing isn't necessarily the end of the worrying time: it's the 20 week scan that is looking for anomalies and there can be all sorts of issues after that time.

It does make you sound a bit as though you haven't totally detaxched from your ex yet.

It's vulgar to tell people one is expecting before three months.

Sorry, what the actual fuck?? hmm

MrsDeVere Wed 07-Aug-13 15:39:09


Of course your DD has the 'right' to know and as her mother you should have been informed so you could discuss it with her.
Not because you are a nosy cow but because you are her mother and your DD may well have questions and concerns.

I know these things are complicated but at the heart of it all is the best interests of the child, your DD. It is surely in her best interests to be included in the major life event and you, as her main carer to be equipped to help her with it?

I don't agree that it sounds like you are not detached from your ex. I think most parents would want to know something as important as this, it would be different if you didn't have a child together. But you do.

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 07-Aug-13 15:43:03

I didn't tell anyone until 24 weeks last time, ds2 was told when I was about 6 months. Didn't even cross my mind to tell exh, think
dp told him at some point

MoominsYonisAreScary Wed 07-Aug-13 15:45:30

And I didn't find out about any of the dcs new siblings until the children told me

NatashaBee Wed 07-Aug-13 15:48:40

I do think it would have been the polite thing to do to give you a heads up in case your DD was upset. DSD told her mother herself, but if she hadn't, I would have mentioned it to her.

In the OP's case I don't really understand why the DD was moved out of the bedroom 'several months ago' for a baby that is still 4 months away from arriving (and then presumably will be in with its parents for the first couple of months).

I was going to say YABU, but having read your replies I think that actually you aren't being U. It does sound like your poor DD is not being treated fairly; yeah, you both should have been told.

McNewPants2013 Wed 07-Aug-13 15:49:32

My sister recently had a baby and I wish I told ds later.

40ish weeks is a long time for a child to wait and perhaps he wanted to wait so it wasn't a long wait for Dd

Emilythornesbff Wed 07-Aug-13 16:06:51

Not sure about "rights" but I do think it would have been "the right thing" to tell you and your DD.
Why don't you raise it with them?

needaholidaynow Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:23

No you don't have the right at all. You are not part of their family so it's nothing to do with you. Your DD should know, and if you found out from anyone else then that's the way it is.

Crinkle77 Wed 07-Aug-13 16:14:32

It does seem rather odd that they haven't told her about the baby and that she had to hear from other people. You don't have a 'right' to know as such but they should have told you about and then told your daughter so that you could be prepared for any questions she might have.

anonpost Wed 07-Aug-13 16:16:49

I think you should have been told, only because it'll affect your daughter.

CuteFeet Wed 07-Aug-13 16:18:30

Natasha - I guess maybe they thought it better to move her before announcing baby so she didn't feel she was being moved because of baby? Her father doesn't give her much credit for having a memory!

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 16:29:55

If they have moved your DD into a new bedroom solely because of the new baby then they should have explained why..especially as you say she objected to being ousted.

You don't have any 'rights' per se but personally I told my ex before I told my DS when I got pregnant. He was nasty no suprise there but I figured it was, as you say, 'the right thing to do' regardless. DH told his DS and then his ex when he took DS back to ex's so backwards but essentially the same.

I'd be taking your ex aside and having a conversation about the whole situation if I were you, on the proviso that it is already affecting DD even if he is not aware of it.

Perhaps he's just under-estimated how sharp she is?

Bruthastortoise Wed 07-Aug-13 16:53:07

I think they should tell your DD but I'm not sure you have right to know. Re. the change of bedrooms - I rearranged the bedrooms in my home before youngest DS was even conceived on the basis that any negative feelings about thr move from the older DC wouldn't be focused on the new baby. Maybe your ex did the same.

Firebomb Wed 07-Aug-13 17:42:25

After reading your comments, OP, I have to agree that YANBU at all and it sounds as though your XH is being unreasonable. We didn't cut down visitation with his DS at all after I had my son. Definitely didn't tell him we weren't going to have as much time for him. You need to make sure that his GF is not trying to cut your DD out of his life (either as a jealousy thing, ie, she doesn't want him to have any kids but theirs. Or as an angry things, ie, she doesn't like your DD) She has no say in his visitation with his DD and should not be influencing that decision, so make sure that she's not trying.

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