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WIBU (or just v childish) to do this? - wedding and dysfunctional family

(34 Posts)
YoungGirlGrowingOld Tue 06-Aug-13 16:57:41

Regular-ish poster, have namechanged because this will out me.

I have just got engaged to a lovely man after MANY years of singledom, a couple of doomed relationships with dodgy men and a very serious illness. He is kind, funny and although we have had a few bumps in the road, it feels 100% perfect and we are both chuffed as nuts :-)

I am not exactly in the first flush of youth and this is a first marriage for both of us. A few years ago I fell out badly with a member of my family on my mum's side. My granddad was dying of cancer, and my uncle made some nasty remark to the family (not including me) to the effect of "Who on earth is going to want YoungGirlGrowingOld - just look at her - she'll end up unmarried and alone just like her crazy mother". My granddad (bless him) tried to say that he thought that was awful and he was wrong, but this was met with more derogatory remarks about me from charming uncle. The thought of granddad hearing all that just before he died makes me feel a bit sick. (I may be being over-sensitive though).

I am not normally confrontational but I pulled my uncle up on his comments as soon as I found out. I was recovering from major surgery at the time so was not at my best either physically or emotionally. He made various threatening remarks ("You dont want to make an enemy out of me, you don't know who you are dealing with, etc") He then rang my my mum to complain about the particular word I used to describe him blush (DM was not very supportive of me, but that's a whole other AIBU...) Part of me is scared that people at my wedding will think the same - what's he doing with her? etc - and I hate that his nasty remarks still affect me years later and that I will inevitably worry about this on my long-awaited wedding day.

WIBU to send him an engagement announcement or a picture from my wedding? With a suitable rude message?? Or is this just childishness and stooping to his level? Would he simply construe it as mischief-making? Part of me really wants to prove that he was wrong about me (and granddad was right!) but most people in RL are of the "forget it and move on" persuasion.

Over to you MN jury..... wink

MammaTJ Tue 06-Aug-13 17:02:03

Far too childish. Do not do it. Rise above it-until after the wedding, when he cannot try to spoil your day. Then send him a very happy wedding pic and tell him how happy you are and how wrong he was. grin

LimitedEditionLady Tue 06-Aug-13 17:03:52

Forget it and move on.Dont waste your time on idiots,he will then have proof it bothered you which is even worse than it bothering you.Obviously dont invite him either though!
Congratulations on your good news,hope its a lovely day.

Alohomora Tue 06-Aug-13 17:04:24

First off, congratulations, I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Your uncle sounds like a rude, sad fuck and while I know his comments were horribly hurtful he doesn't sound like he's worth your consideration. (easier said than done, I know!)

If I was feeling ornery I'd send him an engagement announcement but would then not invite him to the wedding. Who cares if it is childish, if it allows you to put his comments behind you and gives you satisfaction it's totally worth it - don't worry about his reaction or what he'd think of it, he's not worth your consideration!

Spottypurse Tue 06-Aug-13 17:04:47

My sensible head and the advice I'd give a friend - he's not worth it.

The 2 year old in me, however, would want to do it ;) but don't. He's not worth it. And you would only be letting him see how much he had got to you. Far better just to ignore him.

The best revenge you can have is to live well and happily with your dh, and to ignore this nasty person altogether.

Congratulations on your engagement and your upcoming wedding, and I hope you will both be very happy. thanks

Spottypurse Tue 06-Aug-13 17:05:11

Oh and congratulation. grin

Alohomora Tue 06-Aug-13 17:05:22

I like MammaTJ's idea of sending him a picture & card afterwards, btw!

Iaintdunnuffink Tue 06-Aug-13 17:05:39

Say nothing to him and send no cards, if you do he'll know that he rattled you. He will get to hear of the wedding through family anyway.

It's very, very hard to forget and move on, but act like you have and stick your fingers up to him that way.

Congratulations smile

foreverondiet Tue 06-Aug-13 17:07:14

Don't invite him or make any contact. Ignore.

He'll know you got married.

If you really feel like it send something after you got married.

HaroldLloyd Netherlands Tue 06-Aug-13 17:08:17

Yes don't send it, if you do he will know that his comments must have hurt you and don't give him that satisfaction.

He sounds very unpleasant and like SDTG said the best way to show him is to just have a very happy time and don't give this knobber any thoughts on the day.

Don't let him know that what he said still bothers you, don't give him that satisfaction. Get on with your life, with the man who has made you happy and has shown you how wrong this idiot was! of course, as this is mumsnet, I have to suggest sending a Save the Date card and nOT following it up with an invite!! wink

ImperialBlether England Tue 06-Aug-13 17:10:55

Go on, tell us the word!

Congratulations on having such a lovely relationship. He's a lucky man.

I wouldn't tell your mad uncle because he'll hear about it anyway and he will stew in his own juice that way. If you tell him or speak to him even he will know you have suffered as a result of his bitchy remark.

Your mum sounds a bit dodgy, tbh. Are you inviting her to the wedding? Will your husband-to-be's family be there?

ChasedByBees Tue 06-Aug-13 17:14:53

I agree with others - sending something will announce this bothers you, but just blanking him would be perfect. He'll hear about it from other sources. Make sure you provide your guests with the most amazingly thoughtful wedding so they'll all talk about how fab it was to him. smile

zzzzz Tue 06-Aug-13 17:16:24

No, don't notice him, he sounds horrid.

Marry your dp and live the happy life you deserve.

Personally I would go and "tell" your grandfather and put a big bunch of flowers on his grave though.

Your Mum and Granddad sound like the kind of family you should be proud of.

BrokenSunglasses Tue 06-Aug-13 17:17:22

It would be daft to make contact with him in such a silly way. And YABU for attaching so much emotion to words that were said when you couldn't even hear them. Unless someone filmed him saying it and you watched it completely unedited, then you don't even know exactly what was said!

Don't get me wrong, be sounds horrible, but the opinions of twats are really worth very little. You are giving this man too much credit by thinking of him so much. He was wrong on every level, you know that already. Whether he knows it or not doesn't matter, because he's a twat.

He is a self centred shit. Don't endulge his sense of self importance by letting him know you are still bothered by his remarks.

You knew when he said it he was wrong and life has happily proved just how wrong he is flowers. Mentally stick two fingers up to him and have the wedding you want without any looking back to his nastiness. Don't let his spite taint your day.

trixymalixy Tue 06-Aug-13 17:25:10

No no no!

He will hear that you have got married. Don't let him know his comments still rile you.

Inertia Tue 06-Aug-13 17:25:25

Don't bother sending any messages . Concentrate on your happiness, and planning your wedding - it can be a wonderful time, don't let past comments from a horrible relative sour your joy.

Try and take solace from the fact that life will never have felt rosy for someone with that much spite in them - his own attitude will have paid him back many times over.

If you send out photocards to family and friends after the wedding, that might be a good time to share your happy news with distant family.

neunundneunzigluftballons Tue 06-Aug-13 17:29:17

When my brother was at school his head teacher wanted to make him do subjects that would ensure he could never go to university complicated Irish sytem means you need a foreign language to go to university. My father knowing that my brother was highly intelligent but had some undiagnosed special need dyslexia probably tried to talk the head into letting him do the foreign language only to be met by 'parents like you who cannot accept their children for who they are and cannot come to terms with their limitations cause this school all sorts of problems, your son will never go to university'. How my father fantasised about sending the head teacher a copy of my brothers first class honours university results and often speaks of it............................he never did though.

Your uncle, the knobend will not even get the relevance of the photo save the price of the stamp.

Flobbadobs Tue 06-Aug-13 17:29:23

The best message to send him is the message that he wasn't even worth inviting to the wedding.
I'd be bloody tempted though! grin

YoungGirlGrowingOld Tue 06-Aug-13 17:32:35

Ooooh, thanks for all the replies! You are all kind of confirming what the grown-up part of me knows is the sensible option, i.e. rise above, have a brilliant time and leave well alone....but there is a part of me that really wants to send him a little reminder that he was, and remains, a cunt... (Imperial - that was the word - my mother bollocked me for "language") grin

And yes, BrokenSunglasses you make a good point too. I wasn't there, and although he has form for this kind of behaviour I will never know exactly what happened. I think he got me at a low-ebb (post-surgery, fat on steroids and half bald) so he kind of voiced my worst fears iykwim.

I will blow him a massive raspberry on the day (in my head) and focus on the lovely, positive stuff. Thank you lovely ladies of MN flowers

Kiriwawa Tue 06-Aug-13 17:44:08

If I were you, I'd write him an engagement announcement card, detailing all the reasons why he's an utter cunt. And then burn it.

Congratulations - hope you have a very long and happy marriage smile

DontmindifIdo Tue 06-Aug-13 17:48:56

Dont do it. But do make sure you tell the rest of your family about it, someone will mention it to him...

Mia4 Tue 06-Aug-13 19:24:01

Congratulations OP. Don't think of him at all if you can help him or send him anything or make it clear to him, he said those reactions to hurt and it will give him great pleasure to think that even now his words have meaning. By ignoring you send a louder message, if your other family members attend the wedding he is sure to be more PO not being invited and in the months to come he will hear of it.

To believe he is 'out of sight and mind' is far worse a punishment for him because it's self inflicted and will hurt his ego.

Leeds2 Tue 06-Aug-13 19:28:06

Congratulations on your engagement and wedding!

As for your uncle, he will hear all about it from family. Leave it at that.

MrsKoala England Tue 06-Aug-13 19:31:10

Living well is the best revenge.

Congratulations and enjoy your day without giving his nasty, spiteful, misogynistic and vindictive comments a second thought. Every time a thought creeps in banish it with a lovely, beautiful, happy thought. (i always have some prepared for emergencies smile )

KeatsiePie Algeria Tue 06-Aug-13 19:42:17

Goodness, don't do it! Aside from rising above, you'll open yourself up to a world of stress while you are unusually busy trying to plan a wedding. You do not want concerns over money/venue/guest list compounded by an incoming stream of weird semi-threats or mean comments.

And hey congratulations!!

YoungGirlGrowingOld Wed 07-Aug-13 08:20:56

Thanks - this is pretty unanimous grin

FWIW - he probably won't find out from other family because I have cut all ties, even indirect ones. Uncle Twat does not even speak to my DM any more because of my choice of words. Obviously, she blames me! Presumably it's fine to make cruel remarks about someone behind their back, but not to confront them about it hmm

And YY to the person upthread who said this was misogynistic - I think that's precisely why I am still so upset and angry. He obviously thinks that the worst thing a woman can be is unattractive to men angry

Thanks for the congrats and advice - I am turning into one of those bridezilla women who Google wedding venues for hours. Ah well, looking forward to the AIBU thread when I make some egregious error over the invitations! thanks

bluestar2 Wed 07-Aug-13 08:56:37

He doesn't warrant acknowledgement of any kind. Say nothing send nothing. Be happy.

I would go with zzzz's idea and would visit your grandad and tell him and how happy you are.

Congratulations and have a wonderful wedding and marriage

facedontfit Wed 07-Aug-13 10:00:44

Congratulations YoungGirl.

Invite the people you want at your wedding, they will be delighted to see you so happy after coming through a rough time.

Do not waste one more thought on your uncle twat.

Have a fabulous wedding and future.

oldgrandmama Netherlands Wed 07-Aug-13 10:55:40

Write out various versions of what you'd like to tell the vile git, both before, during and after your wedding. Edit and refine the vitriol until you've struck the perfect note. Enjoy your fantastic final letter - THAT'LL tell him. Then ... when you've had a chuckle, tear it up! Forget him, he's not worth another thought. And have a lovely wedding and a great life.

Mia4 Wed 07-Aug-13 20:52:02

Use hitched for wedding venue looking OP, register then you can request e-booklets- easy smile

CrapBag Wed 07-Aug-13 21:17:58

YANBU for wanting to but doing so would just show him that his words really got to you and you still think about it years later.

He is a twat and you are so much better to not have him in your life. Good on your granddad for sticking up for you and good on you for telling him what you thought at the time. Ignore what your mum thinks about it, why shouldn't you have defended yourself.

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