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AIBU to think it's hideously rude... (weddings!)

(64 Posts)
fenix Tue 06-Aug-13 11:26:47

... to invite someone to celebrate your public declaration of love, whilst not inviting that person's own parter?

I understand not inviting someone's casual date, or a partner if there is a history of deeply unpleasant behaviour. Nor should this imply that couples should be joined at the hip - it's perfectly reasonable to invite just one person to a birthday party or random celebration.

My gripe is with people who find nothing selfish or hypocritical about inviting close friends/family to honour their partnership, without showing any reciprocal courtesy or respect for their guests' own unions.

I honestly can't see any reasonable explanation for it aside from selfishness - budgets, venues and catering arguments seem to be hollow excuses. Surely the reasonable thing is for the guest list to dictate the venue and elaborateness of the day, rather than the other way around? Hell, even being selfish is fine if you own it and acknowledge that you wanted a certain type of wedding, and guests were a secondary part of that!

BrokenSunglasses Tue 06-Aug-13 11:29:07

I agree with you, but I've found I'm in the minority on MN on this subject. Thankfully not in RL though.

Yawn.

Lottapianos Tue 06-Aug-13 11:32:55

YANBU at all. I narrowly escaped having to deal with this situation when my best mate got married. Her arsehole DP suggested that, to keep numbers down, they only invite people's partners if they were married to them. DP and I had been together for 5 years at that point but he would not have been invited. Thankfully, someone saw sense and it was never mentioned again. I was shock that anyone could think this was reasonable!

It is selfish and entitled and suggests you don't give a fig about your guest's enjoyment of the day.

EvieanneVolvic Tue 06-Aug-13 11:35:35

YANBU.

Also hideously rude (imho)are people who find your subject matter boring but rather than just ignore it have to say (or yawn) so.

And yes I am well aware that I could have ignore Maltese....

MidniteScribbler Tue 06-Aug-13 11:37:47

I'm in the "it depends" camp. I've been invited to a wedding of a workmate where all the staff were invited without partners (about 20 people). It worked out just fine, because we could all celebrate as a group. The couple couldn't have had the whole workplace there if they'd had to invite a partner for everyone as well. They told us all in advance, and not one person had a problem with it.

Family members, or friends that don't have a fairly large friendship group at the wedding should always be invited with a partner.

FattyMcChubster Tue 06-Aug-13 11:38:13

What if you can't afford a big do? If you can only afford a certain amount of people would you rather have half your closest friends and their partners or no partners but all your close friends?

Hercy Tue 06-Aug-13 11:39:43

I don't think budgets or venues are hollow excuses. Some venues have a maximum capacity, some budgets are extremely strict. So, if you're tied to a certain number of people and have no leeway on that number, some partners might have to miss out.

It's not ideal, and I'm sure that most brides and grooms would love to include everybody, but if it comes to having to capacity/budget to invite an old school friend, but not her partner (who you may have met several times and perfectly like), what would you do? Not invite either of them? Or just invite your friend and explain that as much as you would love for her partner to come, it's not possible?

Personally, I would want to include partners, but I do understand why it wouldn't always be possible.

BrokenSunglasses Tue 06-Aug-13 11:40:35

I agree it's different when a couple are giving an invite to one half of a married couple because they are a workmate who would attend in a big group of other workmates, but other than that it seems very weird to invite someone to attend your marriage celebration when you don't respect their marriage.

OryxCrake Tue 06-Aug-13 11:40:36

Depends on the wedding. If they're only inviting two guests to be witnesses, YABU; if it's a larger do, YAprobablyNBU.

Lj8893 Tue 06-Aug-13 11:40:42

Yanbu.

I was a bridesmaid at a recent family wedding and when I got the save the date card my partner wasent on it. Granted we wernt married and had been together only about a year but I was still hmm and when questioned it was informed that no, due to numbers he wasent invited to the day, only evening.

Yeah, I kicked up a right fuss!!! Very unlike me but I was really upset about it!

When the invitations came out he was on it grin

Lj8893 Tue 06-Aug-13 11:41:28

Oh and it wasent a small wedding either, about 100!

Hideously rude, really? If you think that's rude... [sits on own hands]

Using the way someone marks a solemn event (being joined before God- it really doesn't get more important, other than perhaps a christening) to get offended or be bitchy about the bride really doesn't make you look good.

And there's another thread about this already today, and it's been done to death.

Hence the weariness.

Jan49 Tue 06-Aug-13 11:42:59

YANBU and I agree with you.

I got married and invited a close friend but not her partner. He'd fit your category of " a history of deeply unpleasant behaviour". We had about 10 guests. I invited her but really didn't want to invite him. They were cohabiting. He was violent and it was obvious they weren't going to stay together. My friend said her partner "wouldn't allow her" to come alone. It was a longish distance so would involve an overnight stay.

I didn't want her partner at our very intimate wedding. My main reason was that my only relative at the wedding was my very elderly grandmother and I think she'd have been horrified by this man - crude language, swearing, etc - and him being there would have influenced how she felt about the wedding. For me, the wedding was really an occasion to keep the relatives happy - my grandmother and my h's parents - as cohabiting and children outside marriage was unthinkable to them. Otherwise we wouldn't have bothered to get married. I think if we'd had a huge wedding, I wouldn't have minded him being there.

My friend didn't come. She is still my friend and is now married to a much nicer man.smile

Morien Tue 06-Aug-13 11:43:28

YANBU. We just got married in Saturday and wanted a small do - but it never even crossed our minds to think that one way of achieving that was not to invite other halves!

Lj8893 - so you threw a tantrum and made your friend invite your boyfriend to their wedding - and you think they were rude??!

Pawprint Tue 06-Aug-13 11:45:07

I would always invite both members of the couple. However, I wouldn't invite people and agree to them bringing a 'date' to the wedding, IYSWIM. That is, I wouldn't do a 'plus one' invitation.

At my wedding, my pain in the arse witch aunt was very offended because we invited all seven of her (adult) children but didn't let them bring anyone to the wedding. In my defence, none of them were in a relationship and our venue was very small. Had they brought along a guest, that would have added seven people to the guest list and it wasn't a large wedding.

On the other hand, I unintentionally caused offence by inviting someone and completely forgetting to invite her partner. She threw a strop and several of the other guests (who were friends with her) refused to come to our wedding. It was very upsetting and neither I nor my dh are in touch with any of these people any more (their choice, not ours).

Groovee Tue 06-Aug-13 11:45:14

I invited my workmates without partners. They saw it as a night out. Only a couple of them had partners. I invited the bosses who were a married couple. But I have been invited to weddings on my own. As long as friends are going then I don't mind.

Crinkle77 Tue 06-Aug-13 11:45:59

It wouldn't really bother me. I would just assume it was to keep costs down. Although it may have been polite for her to explain that. Does she know your partner well and how long have you been together?

BrokenSunglasses Tue 06-Aug-13 11:46:13

Budgets or venues seem hollow excuses to me because if you choose a venue with a limited capacity, you are basically saying that you care more about having the nice venue than you do about your guests.

No couple is forced into using a particular venue, they choose the one they like, even if that excludes people. That is entirely up to them, but to me it does come across as if their priorities are wrong.

Budget can be more of an issue, but even on a tight budget people have a choice. If they choose a cheaper venue/food/dress/decorations etc then they could probably afford to invite partners. But for some people, those things are more important than their guests enjoyment.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Tue 06-Aug-13 11:47:06

I'm another 'it depends'. I think it's fair if you have a very tiny, intimate wedding to say you only want people you know well - but then, if it's a very tiny, intimate wedding it should be quite easy to sound people out beforehand and realize that while sister A doesn't care if her DH doesn't come, brother quite minds.

I think also if you are inviting a crowd of, say, school or university friends whose partners you never met, and they'll all know each other, it's not that bad.

What I think is rude is inviting people who will know very few people, and not inviting their partners.

It still annoys me that I went to two family weddings on my own, and both times the couples had invited everyone else's partners so I spent the whole evening say 'yes, nice to meet you, drunk single man, no, the ring on my finger is an engagement ring, no, my partner isn't here and everyone else's is, I know ...'.

A basic amount of thought about how partnerless people will get through the evening should do you fine, though.

Saffyz Tue 06-Aug-13 11:47:29

YANBU

Viviennemary Tue 06-Aug-13 11:48:37

I think it depends. People can invite who they want to and if the would be guests aren't happy then they can just not go. I wouldn't bother too much if I was invited without DH. People can go to things separately.

EvieanneVolvic Tue 06-Aug-13 11:49:09

Then why not ignore this one than openly showing your disdain in the first instance or calling the OP bitchy?

And your rationale is a little flawed...plenty of people don't make their vows before God (although I agree this does not make the marriage one whit less valid or important than a a religious one...especially when lots of people marrying in religious establishments don't wholly follow it anyway)

Hideously rude ...yes really (although I was just borrowing the OP's wording...maybe you slept through it!)

EvieanneVolvic Tue 06-Aug-13 11:51:41

and ftr I don't wholly agree with fenix but s/he raises some interesting points which is why I don't think s/he is being unreasonable.

Lottapianos Tue 06-Aug-13 11:52:26

I think the workmates issue is very different to inviting a friend without their partner. If there is a bunch of workmates going, they will all know each other and you probably don't know their partners so that makes sense. Inviting friends without partners though - not on in my book. Agree with other posters that you need to look at making savings elsewhere rather than expecting friends to turn up partnerless just for your convenience.

lottieandmia Tue 06-Aug-13 11:54:10

YANBU - it's bad manners not to invite a person's partner to any event, not just weddings.

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 06-Aug-13 11:54:45

Seriously? I will not be inviting all partners to our wedding. Not even all families partners. There are too many people. I cannot afford to feed an extra 95 people. I think it is unreasonable to think I should have to! I have a huge family, and am very close with the vast majority of them, however I simply cannot invite all partners.

Venue, numbers and budget are not hollow excuses. Weddings can be bloody expensive. I want to spend my wedding day with the people I love, and to be honest most partners, unless together for a very long time, or married kids etc, just do not come into that bracket.

For my guests who do not really know anyone, I will be giving the,m a plus one on the invite, as I would hate them to be uncomfortable. However I just can't see how for a lot of people it would be fees able to extend the invitation to every single person.

No-one at all has been upset about these arrangements. They have all been totally understanding and just lovely. The alternative is just to invite my immediate family, and leave out all auntires cousins and friends who I have grown up with. Everyone has agreed that this way is the best of both worlds.

If I could afford to have everyone there I would, but I refuse to get into debt just so I can accommodate people I don't even know very well.

I did read your reply, Evie, but it is too lovely a day where I am to bandy words with someone of your calibre. No work, so I'm off to the beach. Cheers.

OrangeLily Tue 06-Aug-13 11:56:30

It really depends. If its workmates then its pretty normal for our workplaces just to invite one person. I'm not going to bother about that at all. Its happened several times to us and we did it at our wedding too. In fact, some of my very close work friends actually asked me not to invite their partners!

Family, I would think it was rude. I think you have to take couples together here because they should both be 'counted' as family even the person who has married in (or is in a long term relationship). If they've been together all of 5 seconds then no.

lottieandmia Tue 06-Aug-13 11:57:25

We had a budget wedding and would not have dreamt of inviting people without their partner.

chesterberry Tue 06-Aug-13 11:58:29

I guess it depends on who you see the wedding actually being for.

Some people take the view that the wedding is for the guests and thus the most important thing is that they feel comfortable and have a good time - in that case of course you would want to invite people's partners.

Some people take the view that the wedding is for the bride and groom and thus the most important thing is that they have the sort of wedding they want (inc: venue, guestlist, budget etc) - in that case you might not want to invite partners of everybody if that will impose on some of the other arrangements.

I don't know that either viewpoint is 'right' or 'wrong' but do think that the viewpoint being taken by the people organising the wedding will make a big difference in terms of how much the bride/groom will compromise in order to enable partners to attend.

SoupDragon Tue 06-Aug-13 12:01:29

I think that insisting the couple invite who you want them to invite makes someone a guestzilla.

eccentrica Tue 06-Aug-13 12:01:43

themaltesefalcon "Using the way someone marks a solemn event (being joined before God- it really doesn't get more important, other than perhaps a christening) to get offended or be bitchy about the bride really doesn't make you look good."

Hahahahahaahahahahaha really tickled by the idea that the majority of weddings are primarily solemn events where the bride and groom mainly care about being joined before God.

/me wonders what century maltese has wandered in from.

hahahahahahhaahhaha that's really cheered me up for some reason.

Sleepthief Tue 06-Aug-13 12:09:43

I didn't invite my aunt's husband to my wedding - I have met him twice and only invited my aunt (again, not close to that branch of family) because I'd seen her fairly recently and she'd given me some useful career advice. It was definitely a numbers thing, although my wedding was pretty informal, and it came diwn to a choice between a virtual stranger who I couldn't pick out of a line-up and one of my closest friends who I've known all my life.

Anyway, my aunt sent me a horrible letter, despite the fact she was away at the time of the wedding anyway, and I will never forget or forgive her childish, selfish, unsympathetic behaviour. We don't see her at all. However, my only regret is that I invited her at all.

So YABU to make such a blanket statement. Last time I checked, you could invite whoever you wanted to your own wedding!

fenix Tue 06-Aug-13 12:10:06

Hercy, absentminded, for what it's worth, I understand tiny weddings and miniscule budgets - been there! It was so much more important to have the people I wanted there, it would have felt hollow to have them celebrate my relationship without their own partner. I don't see it being a linear choice between half my friends + partners -or- all friends and no partners; rather, I could compromises on the style of food, decorations and venue to accommodate everyone.

This isn't based on any recent incident of my husband not being invited to a wedding - more like an expression of my disdain for something I'm finding increasingly prevalent online and hearing about in life generally. Which, Maltese, I feel fine discussing in a separate thread rather than derailing other wedding-related topics. And I deliberately didn't refer specifically to brides, so at the very least I'm an equal opportunity bitch to grooms as well!

eccentrica Tue 06-Aug-13 12:25:52

Sleepthief "Last time I checked, you could invite whoever you wanted to your own wedding!"

Indeed you can but that doesn't mean everyone is going to be happy with your decision. As you found out.

The "it's my wedding and I'll [X] if I want to" attitude leads to a HUGE amount of unhappiness, rudeness and discontent, even breaking of friendships and family relationships, as evidenced by any number of threads on this website every day.

absentmindeddooooodles Tue 06-Aug-13 12:26:02

Well, at the moment, we are planning to cook the buffet ourselves, and have found a very very cheap hog roast. Drinks are cheap sangria and then pay bar. Due orations are all being handmade. Bridesmaid dresses costing £10 each. Cake being made by friend. Band is free as its a friend. Rings are very cheap. Secondhand dress. A few days ago we were told the guest numbers for our venue had been changed. The new front runner for a venue would cost us £200. I cannot compromise much more on costs etc. I want it to be a big fun party, but honestly, if you can find a venue in Cornwall for 320 guests, with no corkage or reasonable drinks prices etc, then please do as I'd love it. Have no problem spending a big chunk on venue if it can accommodate everyone.

squoosh Tue 06-Aug-13 12:33:47

I think it depends.

I don’t see why someone should feel obliged to invite a friend’s partner if they themselves aren’t friends with or don’t know that partner. I can see for some people going to a wedding where they don’t know anyone and their partner also isn’t invited could be a tad off putting. But still, their decision.

A group of workmates attending a colleague’s wedding do not need to bring their partners. That’s just crazy.

But I do think it odd behaviour that someone invites their sibling to their wedding but not the sibling’s spouse.

Oh the tangled web of weddings! Elope people!

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 06-Aug-13 12:40:45

I wouldn't invite anybody I didnt know, like and enjoy the company of,the only time I would do so was if an guest having plus 1 was essential due to illness or disability.

But then again I mix with people who don't need to bring partners to events and an socialise perfectly capabley without one and I would also make sure that each guest knew most of the other guests.

So if I know like and enjoy the company of yor partner they would be invited but if I don't then they won't,if you don't approve of this then fine decline the invite its no big deal.

Recently went to a friends wedding where I was invited to the whole thing but DH only to the evening (married 6 years together 15) Can honestly say it bothered neither of us & didn't think it was at all rude-a bit odd but not rude.

Each to their own, you do what you want for your wedding & leave others in peace to do what they want for theirs.

WineNot Tue 06-Aug-13 13:47:17

Budgets or venues seem hollow excuses to me because if you choose a venue with a limited capacity, you are basically saying that you care more about having the nice venue than you do about your guests.

Or, maybe it means 'I care more about having a venue I love and my guests will love than inviting someone I've never met/only met once or twice'

I invited some people to our evening do (another big no no I gather) without partners... But I spoke to them first.

The one person I'd been told would have a problem with it (by their best friend) didn't get an invite. Simple.

EvieanneVolvic Tue 06-Aug-13 13:54:59

I am finding this thread REALLY interesting.

My dd is getting married soon and apart from being allowed to invite a couple of friends and their partners to the evening do I have been told to butt out (which is fine my me, although I wish she had the same attitude toward my bank account!!)

However I am veering toward a bottom line of the guests are honouring the B and G by being there rather than the B and G doing the guests a huge favour by inviting them so if I were to get married again myself (nay chance!!!) that would probably inform my choices.

gingermop Tue 06-Aug-13 14:00:25

one of my best friends got married last year, I was bridesmaid, my dp and dc's ( oldest dc aged 14 her godchild) was not invited to ceromony or afternoon bit only evening.
I wasnt happy, didnt say anything though as her day, her choice.

teacherandguideleader Tue 06-Aug-13 14:09:58

I was invited to a wedding last year without my DP. If I had been part of a big group of friends I don't think it would have bothered me, but I wasn't and I knew noone else at the wedding. I was so lonely all day, no one to talk to in the 5 hours between the ceremony and dinner, noone to dance with (people were quite insular so it was hard to break into groups who were up dancing).

What made it worse was the amount it cost me in petrol and that my friend got annoyed because I left home early to drive home. She wanted me to stay in the hotel, but I couldn't justify the cost for just me - if it had been DP as well we'd have turned it into a mini holiday.

I always think weddings without partners or children are a little odd, since a wedding marks the start of their life as a family together, yet they want to exclude others. I think it is slightly different if you are inviting a big group of colleagues / friends - at least they'll all know each other, but it is a little mean otherwise.

eccentrica Tue 06-Aug-13 14:16:07

EvieanneVolvic "However I am veering toward a bottom line of the guests are honouring the B and G by being there rather than the B and G doing the guests a huge favour by inviting them so if I were to get married again myself (nay chance!!!) that would probably inform my choices."

Absolutely right.

crocodilebird Tue 06-Aug-13 14:21:21

We invited a friend minus her DH to our very small wedding (12 guests, reception in back garden). We might have been wrong to do so, but it made no difference - she brought him along anyway. And her little dog, Yappy.

I think it tends to depend on the size of the event and who the people in question are. When I got married we invited my DB and his wife, and my other DB (but not his 18 yo girlfriend, who hadn't been with him very long) and my DS (single, but didn't do a +1), however, every friend was invited with a partner/ +1 as I would never contemplate attending a wedding where I knew no-one other than the B+G.

DontmindifIdo Tue 06-Aug-13 14:28:53

OP - it really does depend, your argument that you could sacrifice the quality of food/venue/flowers etc assumes that people aren't already going for the cheapest possile option and still can't afford to have everyone they want there.

Or (like one friend) if you have a wedding so small that it really is just parents, siblings, children and one or two guests, then it's reasonable not to invite partners of the one or two guests.

But other than that, then I agree, I'd draw the line of living together, if you are living as a unit then you should be invited together. Dates beyond that (regardless of how long you've been dating) are 'nice to have' but not rude to invite without. (I also think once you go down that line, it's best you give everyone a "plus one" invite, because if you are letting people bring someone they are officially dating but not serious enough to be living with, then they are invites really just to keep that guest company, they aren't going to be someone important to you, so other guests should get the same option to bring a friend).

Crinkle77 Tue 06-Aug-13 14:44:27

Might be selfish but I would not want to sacrifice the quality of the food, venue etc... just so I could afford to invite people's partners that I don't really know that well. I think there is something wrong with people if they can't go for a day out without their partner and to be honest i think most blokes would be relieved to not have to go.

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 06-Aug-13 14:52:09

My argument with a friend about this was that if they wanted what amounted to a group of 5 people that I didn't really know turning up then they could pay for them.

It was interesting how quickly they backed down when I told them the price of the meal.

zipzap Tue 06-Aug-13 15:00:20

I wasn't invited to BIL's wedding - dh is one of 6 and although I'd been going out with DH for over 10 years at that point, we'd never got married. We had been living together for a long time and were pretty well settled, just hadn't got around to the wedding.

It was a small wedding - but I think DH was more upset than I was. Me - meh - it would have been a weekend away with lots of dh's relatives, a long drive there and back, meant I had a nice weekend at home alone which suited me just fine grin

Why would someone want to go to a wedding where they barely know the bride and groom?

I do take teacherandguideleader's point about being lonely at a wedding if you know no-one else there, and your partner hasn't been invited. There has to be compromise, so if you are inviting someone who doesn't know anyone else at the wedding, then it is only fair to invite their partner. But it isn't an automatic right to,have your partner with you at a wedding.

I have been to a colleague's wedding where I was invited, but dh wasn't - and that was OK because I was part of a group of colleagues, I wasn't on my own.

CaptainWentworth Tue 06-Aug-13 15:46:03

I just wanted to point out that sometimes there isn't an option to hiring a bigger reception venue. DH and I got married at my parents' church in north Northumberland - there were a few possible reception venues in the area but none could take more than 80 people for a meal, and some were considerably smaller. I didn't want to invite anyone just for the evening as most people had to travel; my mum asked a few church people and neighbours along in the evening but that was it. We did manage to invite all necessary relatives as well as everyone's long term partners in the end, but I was really worried about numbers at one point!

MaxPepsi Tue 06-Aug-13 15:52:15

I excluded people from my wedding.
Partly for cost and partly because I just didn't want them there.

I only had immediate family children - cost and room
I didn't invite cousins - no room
I didn't invite an Aunt - didn't want her there spoiling my mum's day.
I didn't invite the partner of a day do guest - I don't like him.

However, I also had couples who were invited where only one half turned up. Were they hideously rude to do that??

ShoeWhore Tue 06-Aug-13 16:09:05

We didn't invite anyone who we'd never met. Seemed reasonable enough to me!

We also took a lot of care to sit people with others we thought they'd get along with. We were quite young and so were our friends, so perhaps relationships were generally less serious anyway.

Re the numbers - you do have to draw the line somewhere!

Ragwort Tue 06-Aug-13 16:14:41

I'm also in the 'it depends' camp grin - one of the nicest weddings I attended was with a group of office colleagues to another colleague's wedding, we had a table to ourselves and it was all great fun.

I have been bored senseless going to some of my DH's friends' weddings, and no doubt he has felt the same at my friends' weddings. I have felt obliged to 'chat' with him rather than having a good laugh with old friends. We are not joined at the hip, we can attend social functions without each other quite more happily smile.

Saffyz Tue 06-Aug-13 17:01:50

> I also had couples who were invited where only one half turned up. Were they hideously rude to do that??

If they'd said they were coming, then yes of course, that's very rude.

FannyMcNally Tue 06-Aug-13 17:22:52

I love guestzilla! How we've come this far on MN without that word I'll never know.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 06-Aug-13 17:35:43

Venue, budget etc. is often a polite way of saying "your DP is a liability and we don't want them there".

HaughtyCulturist Tue 06-Aug-13 17:59:33

I got married recently and invited a bunch of workmates without their partners. I also invited a couple of friends who are former workmates without their partners, as the partners are not part of the social group in which I know the friends, and I had only met the partners once. I would like to have invited everyone but could not have done so in that venue as we were up to capacity, and it would have meant increasing our guest list by a quarter, which was a significant sum of money. Our wedding was all about the party, with very few frills or fripperies, so we were hardly prioritising this over our friends. Given that all bar a couple of people who had other engagements accepted the invite, it didn't seem to cause any offence.

The only bit of offence we may have caused is my nephew's partner. As I had not spoken to, let alone seen my nephew for over 8 years, and didn't even know he had a girlfriend, tbh I am not that worried about not inviting her, even though I invited my niece's partner whom I have met several times. I only found out that he had a girlfriend when about a week before the wedding she passed a message through a closer relative to ask if she could come. I made hasty enquiries with the venue to see if they could cater for her particular diet, only for her to change her mind again two days before the event and decide she wasn't coming after all. Maybe that was her way of demonstrating her horrendous offence, but as nephew had not made any contact with me (even ignoring Facebook requests) I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

Sleepthief Tue 06-Aug-13 18:13:57

Eccentrica - of course I don't expect everyone to be happy with my all decisions, but I do take great offence at being harangued and abused by letter for some thing that was, after all, MY decision to make. Especially by someone who wasn't planning to come anyway... Anyway, the only consequence is that my immediate family and I think she's a complete harridan.

You don't have to like the decisions of others, but you DO have to live with them.

When we got married we wanted the wedding to be local to my home, but not a church wedding. Home is fairly rural, and the choice of venues with dates available that summer was limited (several close family members are teachers and couldn't have time off on weekdays except in the school holidays), so dates were restricted. We didn't want to make everyone have to travel miles and we didn't want to wait another year. So, the guest numbers had to be tailored to fit the venue, not choosing a venue to fit the guest list. As it happens we didn't invite anyone without their partner, but I don't think it is as easy as some make it sounds to just keep adding more and more people.

I have been bored stiff at quite a few weddings as a +1 where I didn't know anyone (with boyfriends who weren't particularly serious relationships), I think those people would have been perfectly justified in not asking me, it would have been fine, but I am appreciative of the fact that they did so, nonetheless. If DH was invited to a wedding without me now I wouldn't mind either, all it says to me is that numbers are limited and he is the priority guest.

It just seems to be that couple marrying can't keep everyone happy, it is always going to be a compromise and if you don't like it, don't go. Of if you haven't been invited, then it's just a non-issue.

raisah Tue 06-Aug-13 19:21:20

It's not ideal but sometimes budgets, venues & other factors dictate the guest list. I come from a community where the whole family is invited & it's an alien concept to have a child free wedding. It is also regarded as highly rude to have a two tier guest list & to not feed your guests properly. People are prepared to forgo on the £3k car hire etc to ensure that they are hospitable & nobody is left out. The guest lists can be massive, think 500+ but everybody is made to feel welcome.

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