to not want to be made to feel boring because I don't want to go to an all night party and have to sleep on someone's floor

(50 Posts)
FreakoidOrganisoid Mon 05-Aug-13 23:26:06

Or go to a club until 6am
Or go to a dance festival
Or take drugs

I don't think it's unreasonable for me not to want to do any of these things. So why do I feel like the biggest killjoy when I say no?

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Mon 05-Aug-13 23:27:14

Context is needed with this?

AnyFucker Mon 05-Aug-13 23:28:27

Who makes you feel like this ?

cerealqueen Mon 05-Aug-13 23:30:02

Hmm. Was just having a think back to my own clubbing days as I told somebody who has kids same age as mine how old I was and when I heard how old she was, was thinking hmmm, I was still clubbing then. Ah, happy days.

How old are you Op, out of interest?

Gruntfuttocks Mon 05-Aug-13 23:31:17

If you don't fancy it, don't do it and find yourself some company that is more in tune with your way of thinking.

Some people can't say no for themselves and have to have a 'designated killjoy' to stop them...could this be your problem? Makes you feel rubbish even though you are doing the right thing.

FreakoidOrganisoid Mon 05-Aug-13 23:42:58

I don't think anyone makes me feel it other than myself actually!

It's one set of (boyfriend's) friends that do the all nights etc. Get on really well with them but just have no interest in that kind of night. So whenever we're invited I say no. But will happily go for dinner or drinks or to a normal party with them. Have been to a normal club with them til 2 which was fun, but can't do later than that.. And boyfriend can always go without me, I'm not bothered by that at all and he knows it. But I feel guilty that he has the choice of either not going or going without me.

It's definitely not him making me feel bad, he just accepts I'm not up for it.

Maybe it's repeatedly saying no? I didn't care the first few times.

Im 32, two young children. Mild insomnia which is mostly under control (until I fuck it up by for eg changing my sleep pattern too much)

AnyFucker Mon 05-Aug-13 23:47:25

Your life, do what you like.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Mon 05-Aug-13 23:50:15

I used to love that sort of thing at 22. But now at 32ish with 2 kids? No way, the very idea is exhausting! YADNBU

Do boyfriends friends have kids? Maybe that is what changes things.

Even when I was up for stuff like that DH never was. I just went with other people, was fine. If its an every weekend thing maybe you're not so compatible but if he just wants to do it occasionally and is otherwise interested in same things as you then I think fine to just say "not my thing".

FreakoidOrganisoid Mon 05-Aug-13 23:52:17

grin I need to just man up and not give a shit what people think (or might think) don't I?

AnyFucker Mon 05-Aug-13 23:53:50

Yup smile

FreudiansSlipper Mon 05-Aug-13 23:59:27

maybe its your Id screaming out and punishing you by making you feel like a killjoy grin

its not for everyone and you can only enjoy what you really enjoy not what others think you should

God I gave partying up at 23! I'd been clubbing since I was 15 and was bored of it. My last night out was February 12th 2011 - for valentines - and my friend and I sat on a couch in the smooth music area judging the naked ness of the women, the drunkenness of the idiot men and both fell asleep by 1:15 shockgrin our dp's had to wake us up and lure us to a taxi! Turns out I was a couple of weeks pregnant with ds at the time but still smile

Yadddnbu partying is in the mind not your age.

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 06-Aug-13 00:04:11

Um, I think it's only you giving yourself a hard time here.

echt Tue 06-Aug-13 01:17:18

Obviously in my late 50s, the very idea of sleeping on the floor is out of the question.

However I did go my first music festival two year ago and loved it.

DD practically wore her lip out sneering at this but has now come round, entered the draw for tickets and will come with us. (Actually, we'll drive her and her mates there and ensure they pitch their tents well away from us.)grin

Monty27 Tue 06-Aug-13 01:21:08

It's my idea of torture I confess to being much older and at 32 with two young dc's, absolutely not.

Don't be pressurised.

Secretswitch Tue 06-Aug-13 01:26:03

I have agreed to go on an all night star watch thing. Sounded fab back in March. Now it is upon me, my thrill level has abated. I am certain I will be a mosquito magnet, step in fox poo, be eaten by a bear and have hot flashes. I really really do not like fun things anymore..

Lanceolate Tue 06-Aug-13 01:33:42

I have never liked sleeping on floors. It annoyed me at 15. If anyone had suggested it to me when I was 32 I would have laughed at them.

NapaCab Tue 06-Aug-13 01:37:32

If you were 18 or something then I might understand why your boyfriend's friend think you are odd. At 32 with two young children then, no, you are not being unreasonable. Actually I would say that these friends are because at 32 they should have more sense (unless your BF is younger than you e.g. 18 grin)

How can they even keep up that kind of thing at that age? I started running out of stamina for partying like that before I was even 25. Dinner, drinks et is much more civilized.

FreakoidOrganisoid Tue 06-Aug-13 08:33:42

I think basically, they are into dance music and proper clubbing. I am not, never have been. I enjoy having a few drinks and getting merry, not getting wasted.

I would quite happily go to a party but would want to be able to leave and go to bed, not have to stay up until the last people left so I could then sleep on the living room floor.

I'd go to a club, as long as I didn't have to stay all night.

It's only a few of his friends that are into this, and it's not every week or anything. I think I just feel bad because he enjoys dance music and clubbing, and would quite like me to go to these things with him but I won't if it's an all nighter or involves sleeping on floors or in cars.

The star watch thing sounds good though (although I'd probably be asleep by midnight!)

FreakoidOrganisoid Tue 06-Aug-13 08:49:06

The drugs bit is irrelevant really. A couple of them do when they go to a big club night but there has never been any pressure or even suggestion that I do.
I suppose I only included it as it's a factor in me not wanting to go to these things, being with people who are off their faces isn't fun.

beepoff Tue 06-Aug-13 09:17:26

YANBU - at any age frankly but at 32 with two DC - no way!

I did this most weekends until I was 25 and by then I'd had enough. These days it's maybe a once a year occurrence (I'm 33).

Binkybix Tue 06-Aug-13 10:35:06

I used to love this too, but have had enough now. Even hate staying at someone else's house really!

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 10:41:34

32!? Jesus Christ I thought you were gonna say 18 or something.

I'm 23 and have outgrown that lifestyle.

They are the ones with the problem IMO.

HairyGrotter Tue 06-Aug-13 10:42:26

My DP and I are pretty hardcore, I have a 5 year old DD, and I'm 32. We have mutual friends who are similar age and circumstances who cannot keep up, and would rather dinner or a pub. I sometimes burn myself out and have to limit my party ways, but I would never feel like my mates are boring if they don't fancy an all nighter.

I also like quiet nights in, really depends on my mood. Don't make yourself feel like that, I bet your friends don't think that at all!

FreakoidOrganisoid Tue 06-Aug-13 12:47:56

I've spoken to my boyfriend about it this morning and asked him how he feels about me not wanting to do stuff like that. He said he feels disappointed and like I should make the effort.

He has also pointed out previously that he does things with me that he doesn't particularly want to do. Like go on days out with the kids. Or go to stay with my friends...
Aibu to think that it's slightly different because it doesn't involve anyone having to stay up all night or sleep on a living room floor? I'd go somewhere I didn't particularly want to during the day or evening, it's the all night lack of sleep aspect I can't cope with. I've tried to explain that to him and have said I'll go to a club as long as I don't have to stay there til 5 or 6am or hsve to sleep in a car for a few hours before the journey home.

I'm not sure he gets it. I guess if you are really into music and think clubbing is great then it can maybe be hard to understand that for some people it just isn't . I don't mind the music, but nor do I think it's amazing.

He hardly ever goes anyway, maybe once or twice a year so it's not a massive issue within our relationship. Re the party he has said he wouldn't like having to wait til everyone went home to sleep on living room floor either, it's just that he would like to go to his friend's housewarming party and that's the only way to do it without having to pay for a hotel and he'd rather not go than pay for a hotel.

aldiwhore Tue 06-Aug-13 12:52:32

I loathe pre-planned all-nighters and would turn down an invite to one, especially if sleeping on the floor was an option.

Saying that, we've had dinner parties that have turned into all-nighter's and though no one sleeps on my floor and we pour friends into taxi's they have been fun... and I'm 39.

YANBU to like what you like, but perhaps you could accept these invites on the condition that you can leave when you like?

MalcolmTuckersMum Tue 06-Aug-13 12:53:12

Mmmm. I think, and this is merely my musings you understand, that your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a dick.

FreakoidOrganisoid Tue 06-Aug-13 13:04:30

grin He's really not. He is just really into his music and likes to go to a big club night once or twice a year to see someone he likes play. And would like me to do that with him. Which I would if I could get to bed at a reasonable time, and sleep in a hotel or something.

Madsometimes Tue 06-Aug-13 13:45:25

I hated clubbing even at the age of 18. When I was 21, I meet my now dh, and he also hates clubbing. I have only been once to a club in the intervening 20 years. I love it that part of my life is over. Noisy, sweaty, can't get a seat and music too loud to hear a word that anyone says. No wonder so many clubbers are into drugs, they must have to be off their faces to tolerate the experience.

whois Tue 06-Aug-13 13:50:46

Don't any of these friends have a spare room you could sleep in? Go clubbing for a bit, house keys and a taxi home, get into bed with some ear plugs and sleep until DP comes to bed in the morning?

My friends love partying. I love partying. I NEVER go if my sleeping option is the sitting room floor. Ways organise the spare bed or an air mat on the floor in the spare room.

whois Tue 06-Aug-13 13:52:25

As you say, you could always sleep in a hotel. Go to club with BF until you're tired then jump in a taxi on your own to hotel leaving boyfriend to his big party?

What's the problem? Why can't you go out for a bit?

inabeautifulplace Tue 06-Aug-13 14:46:54

If it's really just once or twice a year, then I'd consider a quadruple espresso and putting a brave face on for a few hours. he's probably disappointed because he has a lot of fun doing this stuff and wants you to share in it.

Crinkle77 Tue 06-Aug-13 15:49:34

So he does things that he does not want to do like days out with the kids? I can't believe he said that. Anyway yanbu. I loved going out clubbing in my 20's and staying out late but not anymore and I don't even had kids so not got that as an excuse. Just tell him that you won't make him go to your friends if he doesn't make you stay out all night. Why can't he just go on his own and vice versa?

AnyFucker Tue 06-Aug-13 16:35:09

How lovely that in the course of your discussion he informed you that he forces himself to go on days out with the kids

This IS a family man, right ?hmm

SofiaVagueara Tue 06-Aug-13 17:03:28

Oh god. There is nothing worse than a group of thirty somethings pretending that they are still at sixth form college.

I used to be big into the club and rave scene in London in the late 90s early 00s and it was painfully embarrassing to see people that were the same age as some of your mates Mum's getting coked off their tits or pilled up. (Particularly if male and leering over teenaged girls.)

And they always seem to do it in Hoxton and have those dreadful hats on and the silly haircuts.

I think people should have grown out of it by that age, it's a bit unbecoming.

RinseAndRepeat Tue 06-Aug-13 17:52:57

YANBU. I did enough of that shit in my twenties to last me a lifetime. And it wasn't even that fun then.

Saffyz Tue 06-Aug-13 17:53:51


Snoopingforsoup Tue 06-Aug-13 18:02:53

I th

Christ there is no way you'd catch DH and I in a nightclub - we'd feel like the old sad gits that we used to laugh at when we were young.

i'm mid 30s.

YANBU. I have never been into any of that. I use my illness as an excuse not to go now but am glad that I have the 'excuse' as until I mention it people go on and on at me to just do it and go out hmm

I would piss myself laughing if anyone suggested I might want to go out clubbing all night and then sleep on a floor or in a car.
I'm 35. I wouldn't have done it when I was 25 with 2 small kids either.

Thankfully DH never was an all night party person otherwise I would have been very unamused at the sleeping on the floor suggestion

HairyGrotter Tue 06-Aug-13 18:38:52

If it's only once or twice a year, I can't see the problem? Can you not organise a place to stay then go out for as long as you can then make your way back to the accommodation at a time that suits you?

I don't look 32 so can still just get away without the youngers cringing at my being an oldie in a club wink. My DP is big into drum and bass, I'm into metal, we alternate the all nighter clubs, the day I get bored of the energy music gives me, that's the day I'll stop.

dirtyface Tue 06-Aug-13 18:45:14


i have not done this since i was about 20

and tbh hated it even then

Ipsumlorem Tue 06-Aug-13 18:56:59

YA definitely NBU! I am 29 and both DH and I outgrew that lifestyle when we left uni and we don't even have kids we are just borebags grin

FreakoidOrganisoid Tue 06-Aug-13 19:23:54

Ok I need to defend him a bit here.
He mentioned the days out as part of a different conversation. When I had said about not wanting to go to something he said "well I didnt particularly want to go to <insert child focused place> but I still went". It's not that he doesn't want to do stuff with my kids, it's that child orientated places aren't especially fun for him.

He doesn't have any children but is great with mine and they love him.

Same with my friends, it's not that he doesn't like them or want to spend time with them, it's that they live on the other side of the country to us so it involves lots of travelling time (but at least we get a bed at my friends' houses wink)

AnyFucker Tue 06-Aug-13 19:25:47

That sounds better smile

I think you are putting pressure on yourself to please him though, aren't you ?

TheRealFellatio Tue 06-Aug-13 19:28:43

YANBU. I think some people just need to learn when to quit it and go to bed. They all talking bollocks and behave like arses after 2am anyway.

KeatsiePie Tue 06-Aug-13 19:30:39

When this comes up, can you really not get a hotel for the night? If it's only once or twice a year? I understand he would rather not pay for it, but it would be a pretty easy way to solve the problem, and doesn't cost all THAT much.

KeatsiePie Tue 06-Aug-13 19:37:12

Ps. No way in hell would I be willing to wait around for the floor to clear so I could sleep on it. YANBU. You sound very nice. He sounds okay to me but not as nice as you; why hasn't he said "Given your difficulties with sleep etc. this won't be fun for you, let's get a hotel"? I mean this is supposed to be fun. If there's money to pay for the travel and the door fee and the drinks, which are all being bought in order to have fun, then there should be money to pay for a hotel room, which is also being bought in order to have fun.

fluffyraggies Tue 06-Aug-13 20:30:56

Even in my teens/20s, no matter how much i'd had to drink or where i'd ended up - i'd always find some way to get to a proper bed in a safe place. My own home, or a good friend's. (Often the birds were singing by then, and the milkman had been,but i would still manage it ... grin)

OP a couple of years ago my DH fell in with some friends who seemed hell bent on reliving their 20s. These people were late 30s to mid 40s. Weekends of drugs, drink, stupidly late nights, fights, throwing up in hotel corridors ....

Every few months DH and i were invited along. He and i would go, but skirt around the worst of it (no drugs, no fighting) but would get legless and be badly hung over for a day or two afterwards. No where near the state the rest of them got in.

I got pretty upset after the last outing. I was stressed and tired and we had stuff to do. DH admitted he'd had enough of it too. Thank Christ smile

Be true to yourself OP. If you're not going to enjoy it - don't go. Or find a way to make it doable for you. On these outings i described i would insist on a decent hotel in a room well away from the main 'gang', so we could escape the worst of it. Ridiculous. I wouldn't do it again.

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