AIBU or is DH re work

(113 Posts)
hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 12:37:01


DH works in a small healthcare setting and a little while ago a vacancy came up that would be his line managers line manager. I thought it looked perfect for me and so I applied... I haven't heard if I have been shortlisted for interview but DH is now saying it would be a conflict of interest and he feels uneasy about it and wants me to withdraw my application...

AIBU is saying no, I won't or is DH BU for asking me to?

kinkyfuckery Mon 05-Aug-13 12:38:08

Has he explained why he doesn't think you should work there? Had he expressed anything like that before you applied?

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Mon 05-Aug-13 12:40:01

Agree with kinky (great name!), it depends how he felt before you applied.

And did you say on the application you were married to so-and-so in the department? I slightly wonder if that's something you'd need to say if it would be a potential conflict of interest.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 05-Aug-13 12:40:21

If he is uncomfortable with you potentially becoming his indirect boss, then I think you should respect that. I wouldn't want my DH working with me in any capacity, despite the fact that I think he's great and we work well together in a voluntary setting.

Who is being most unreasonable depends on many other things though. Do you currently have a job that brings in enough money?

HollyBerryBush Mon 05-Aug-13 12:41:49

I don't think it's healthy for a relationship for people to work together. Willing to be proven wrong that 24/7 each others pockets is a good thing.

So you have applied to be his line managers line manager? That will upset any balance at home also.

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 12:44:52

Hi, thanks everyone...

The place in question is where I did my PhD research and I introduced him to there as a workplace about three and a half years ago. I am finishing my PhD now and this would fit perfectly. They know we are married

DH has been moaning about wanting to do something else for a while now but hasn't done anything to change jobs/retrain etc. The job is about 3 times what I am currently earning and almost twice what DH earns if that helps and yes, we are mega skint and I need to find a high paid job...

he hasn't said anything specific as to what he doesn't like about me applying for the job...

Fuzzysnout Mon 05-Aug-13 12:46:01

I think YABU, sorry. If he doesn't want you to work at his workplace (especially if it is very small & you would indirectly be his boss) then I think you should respect that. Only disclaimer would be if it was a very very specialised field and it would be difficult for you to find a suitable role elsewhere.

tethersend Mon 05-Aug-13 12:46:48

Discuss it once you're offered the job.

Arguing about it at this stage is pointless.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Mon 05-Aug-13 12:46:56

Mmm. If they know you are married it sounds unlikely there is a conflict of interest, but I can see how he feels really - I think I would feel the same. I love my DH but I have no interest in having him in a job where he'd be responsible for ticking me off all the time.

OTOH I can imagine perhaps there aren't that many jobs and you don't want to miss one.

Did you talk to him about it properly before you put in the application? As in, 'look, DH, how would you feel if ...', or did you assume he'd be ok?

DameDeepRedBetty Mon 05-Aug-13 12:47:00

Wondered what the salary difference would be.

He's grumping because he knows he should have pulled his finger out months ago.

TheDoctrineOfAllan Mon 05-Aug-13 12:49:00

YANBU. Worry about it if you are offered the job. Then it might be a decision as to whether you take the job and he looks for something else, or whether you give it six months and see, or whatever.

TheDoctrineOfAllan Mon 05-Aug-13 12:49:50

A line manager's line manager wouldn't be ticking you off, LRD!


Of course you should take the job. He can suck it up or move jobs like he planned.

If the organisation don't think there's a conflict then there isn't.

Frankly it sounds like he just doesn't want you to be his boss - consider reposting this in Feminism wink

ExperienceHunter Mon 05-Aug-13 12:52:38

Would you actually have any dealings with him, or have to work in the same place? I'd be fine with DP working for the same company but wouldn't want to be based in the same office. Everyone needs some space.

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Mon 05-Aug-13 12:54:16

doctrine - sorry! blush

I was just trying to see what he might be worried about.

Boosterseat Mon 05-Aug-13 12:54:35

FWIW I am my husbands line manager, we were together before DH started working here and when a vacancy came up I mentioned that DP (now DH) would be ideal, he has worked his way up the company and now works in my department.

Everyone is aware we are married and we leave work at the door (as much as we can) when we get home.

There is no conflict of interest as the only interest when we are at work is well, work!

He is praised and bollocked the same as every other member of staff - its honestly never been a problem in 6 years!

If i was your DH i would be so proud of you, he should be supporting you not putting up barriers!

Very best of luck with your new job should you choose to take it.

ChunkyPickle Mon 05-Aug-13 12:57:17

I'm going against the grain, but I don't think YABU.

As his line manager's line manager I can't imagine you'd have that much interaction with him anyhow? And I can't see how he can be even slightly upset at the 3* salary bump!

DP and I have worked together a few times, and it's been great (we have complimentary skills) - We've been in situations where he's been the boss, or where I've been the boss, or where we've both been the bosses of our own areas, we've each earned more than the other at various points, and for us it's really not been a problem.

Only you know if it's going to be a problem for him, but given the money aspect, and that he doesn't even like his job I can't imagine why you wouldn't take this job if it was offered.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 05-Aug-13 12:59:59

Honestly, don't worry about this until you are offered the job.

At the moment, it's all what-ifs. But if you actually get an offer, you can sit down and look at it. He's unlikely to tell you to leave a job that is 3x your current salary when it's actually right in front of you, and he can always leave if he wants too.

You are creating unnecessary conflict and bad feeling by discussing it and getting each others' backs up before you've even been shortlisted, though.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 05-Aug-13 13:00:32

If you need the money then what is best for your family as a whole is more important than his discomfort with the situation, although I still think his feelings are valid. It's about priorities though.

Do you think part of his problem is that he doesn't like the idea of you earning significantly more than him?

LessMissAbs Mon 05-Aug-13 13:02:12

It wouldn't be a traditional conflict of interest situation, as conflict of interest arises when the same person, company or partnership represents both a party and another party they are acting against in the same matter.

It is more relevant whether or not the employer has a policy discouraging relationships between people at work. If it has, it might stray into the realms of marital discrimination.

I can kind of see why your DH might dislike it, but I don't see why you should hold back in career opportunities because of him, particularly if you are likely to be working at a more senior level. He can always move on. If you already have a connection with the employer then its an obvious choice for you to apply to.

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 13:02:41

thank you! It is a small unit but I wouldn't be directly managing DH and I certainly wouldn't be responsible for discipline - it has so many aspects of what I enjoy in the role and I would love to get the job so am really reluctant to withdraw before even potentially being invited to interview...

I think I will hold fast, keep my fingers crossed for the interview and deal with it with DH then....

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Mon 05-Aug-13 13:04:40

Good luck.

I don't know, but I can imagine if you're coming out of a PhD there really aren't many jobs and this sounds amazing - does your DH realize that? Mine wouldn't have the foggiest what sort of jobs I'm qualified for (and I wouldn't know about him), so maybe he sees it that you're just choosing to go for one where he works, and doesn't see that it's an amazing offer?

Scrounger Mon 05-Aug-13 13:08:53

YANBU, go for it if it is an ideal job. Worry about anything else when you get it.

How much of his problem is ego driven rather than practical considerations?

CinnabarRed Mon 05-Aug-13 13:10:33

Thing is, it's not just how DH feels about it - it's everyone else who might work with the two of you.

For example, the line-manager you would be managing might feel unable to mention poor performance to your DH. Another employee of DH's grade might feel that DH was being given unfair treatment due to his relationship with you, etc etc.

At my workplace, a line manager (or a line manager's line manager) entering into a relationship with a member of staff is a sacking offence - although in practice one of the two would be quietly asked to find other employment - I've seen it happen many times.

So, on the whole, I think YABU.

sameoldIggi Mon 05-Aug-13 13:12:51

...and this is how women willingly scupper their careers.

LondonMan Mon 05-Aug-13 13:16:42

I can't believe there are people here who think you are unreasonable. He doesn't have more right to work there just because he got there first.

Since this job pays more, if he really doesn't want to work with you, it would be better for both of you if you worked there and he left.

lovecupboards Mon 05-Aug-13 13:19:50

I agree with cinnabar, the problem isn't so much you and your dh, it's how it will be perceived by the others in your department. I've worked with wife/husband couples in a team before and its a pretty iffy setup. You're open to all sorts of accusations of favouritism (plus the temptation to indulge in it).

Whoknowswhocares Mon 05-Aug-13 13:20:10

So DH doesn't want you to apply for a job that will vastly improve your family finances, you would love to do and for a company whom he has expressed a desire to leave on numerous occasions?????????
Well someone is being unreasonable, but its not you OP!

DontmindifIdo Mon 05-Aug-13 13:30:40

I think it would be hard to suddenly have you partner be your big boss - you aren't even his boss, you'd be his boss' boss, that's the important person and might effect how his boss responds to him.

However, his pride is the real issue, and male pride is a sensitive thing. You need to talk to him about it. Try being the practical about it, focus on the money situation, that it's better for the family as a 'team' - if you get the job, then you can both help him start looking for something else.

diddl Mon 05-Aug-13 13:34:27


If you get the job & he's unhappy-he can leave!

livinginwonderland Mon 05-Aug-13 13:37:40

I can see where you're both coming from.

YANBU to want a better job and to apply for a job that you want to do, but he is NBU to not want you to be his manager. I can see that being awkward and quite hard for him to accept or cope with, especially straight away.

However, he is BU to want you to give up your career/job just because he works there. He has no right to tell you were you can/cannot work. My parents worked in the same place for 20 years - different departments, but it was never a problem. I met my DP at wok but he has since moved to a different company. It was never a problem, but again, we were in different departments and in terms of work, we had nothing really to do with each other.

Go for it and try it out, don't let it cause problems until it does smile Good luck!

DameDeepRedBetty Mon 05-Aug-13 13:42:32

Everyone HAS noticed it was OP who was involved with the company first and originally introduced her DH to the employers haven't they?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 05-Aug-13 13:42:59

Yanbu. He is.

There is no conflict of interest. You will both be working towards the same goal, the one of your employer.

Is he worried you may be harsher on him?

I think it is pride tbh.

There are not that many jobs around and not applying for a well matching one would be madness. He could change job in six months and you would kick yourself for not applying. Go for it and good luck.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 05-Aug-13 13:43:36

Dame I noticed and I did think it was a bit rich of him.

kritur Mon 05-Aug-13 13:45:28

If you're just finishing a PhD and the job is in the same place then I'm guessing this is a university based role? Does your husband also have a PhD? Could he be worried about having a better qualified and greater earning wife? (I had an ex husband who did not like me having a PhD...)

Fuzzysnout Mon 05-Aug-13 14:10:09

Sorry OP, I x posted with you. With the new info I would be less inclined to think that YABU. I agree with those who have said see what happens re. the application & take it from there. You never know, if you get the job it might motivate DH to be more proactive in making his career what he wants it to be. Good luck!

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 14:14:59

Hi, its not a university based role, its a health care setting run by a charity for a special population in which I interviewed patients. I was involved with them for about 2 years before dh started working there.... I can't be too specific for obvious reasons. The teams are a mix of rgn and support Workers. DH is a support worker.

Crinkle77 Mon 05-Aug-13 16:50:22

Would you have much to do with each other on a day to day basis? Will you have your own office? Surely if he is a support worker he will be out and about during the day? I would say go for it especially as you say you won't be involved in the discipline side of thing. It sounds to me like he is jealous and doesn't want you being higher than him

mirai Mon 05-Aug-13 17:06:32

He's got to look at what's best for you as a family, this role is more valuable than his so if you get it and he doesn't like it then tough, he should leave his job.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 05-Aug-13 17:17:54

So currently you earn X, he earns 1.5X and if you got the new job you would earn 3X.

Ie you two would be better off financially if you took the job and he spent his days on the golf course / writing a novel / training for a triathlon than you are now?

Well there is your answer. If he is supportive of you getting the job and it becomes awkward or uncomfortable then you are supportive of him giving up work and doing whatever his dream is.

I think YANBU. Your dh's career is not more important than your career. If you need the money then you should take whatever job you can find.

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 17:44:09

Hi, yes basically at the moment I work part time and gross around £13k, dh works full time and grosses around £19.5k, the job is full time with a min salary of £35k so more than both combined at the moment....

MortifiedAdams Mon 05-Aug-13 17:47:52

You should take it if offered. How wpuld you feel if you turned it down and then your dh left?

pianodoodle Mon 05-Aug-13 17:52:34

It is a small unit but I wouldn't be directly managing DH and I certainly wouldn't be responsible for discipline

In that case I think you're fine!

I wonder if he would mind if the roles were reversed?

maddening Mon 05-Aug-13 17:56:23

I think you should not withdraw your application.

pianodoodle Mon 05-Aug-13 18:12:47

Also, I don't think there's room for much pride when it comes to a significant pay rise that'll help the whole family.

Trills Mon 05-Aug-13 18:25:21

As long as the employers know of the relationship and don't think that it would be a problem in this particular setup then you should go for it.

As said above, when you have the job offer on the table with the salary number written down DH is hardly going to complain then. If he wants to get another job (and jobs for him are more widely available) then there's nothing stopping him.

Oldraver Mon 05-Aug-13 18:25:32

Has he said why he thinks you shouldn't work there ? It certainly makes financial sense and as he has already said he wants to leave it would be silly for you to not go for it

I think he doesn't like the fact his wife will be coming in at a role much above himself

Optimist1 Mon 05-Aug-13 18:37:13

Funny how he didn't have scruples about "conflict of interest" when you got him a job there in the first place! Go for it, OP!

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 23:28:27

Well after an afternoon of being hounded to withdraw and an evening of sulking we have had a big row and I have decided to withdraw but I have also called an end to our marriage as I cannot be with a man who acts like a petulant teenager sad thanks everyone for your comments

TheDoctrineOfAllan Mon 05-Aug-13 23:46:14

Omg I'm so sorry op sad

LillyNotOfTheValley Mon 05-Aug-13 23:56:52

I think it would be unreasonable to withdraw your application. Once you have been offered the job you can actually give this more thought: can you two work together on a daily basis? Is your DH reluctant because you would be his boss? (and has to get over himself)

I once worked with DH and it was hell on earth: he was playing a minor character in the show I write for and drove me crazy as he wanted me to expand his amount of lines/contradicted me publicly on how the character was meant to behave "because he was there when I wrote that part". As a result, I had to virtually "kill him off" grin . What a relief. I would have never imagined he would behave like this!

LillyNotOfTheValley Mon 05-Aug-13 23:58:24

Oh so sorry, I did not see your message

sameoldIggi Tue 06-Aug-13 00:00:43

Hi OP, sorry to hear things have got worse. Hopefully it might improve in time, if that's what you want of course. If you do decide to separate, then the time is surely even more right for you to have a well paid job you enjoy..

holidaysarenice Tue 06-Aug-13 00:06:38

Also you introduced him to the company. That sways me to he is being unreasonable.

cerealqueen Tue 06-Aug-13 00:07:18

OP, don't withdraw, especially if this is marriage ending stuff!!
It is his pride, he doesn't want people seeing you in a higher position than him.
I hope you sort it out.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 06-Aug-13 00:24:49

Jeez, please don't withdraw from applying. Especially in this situation! You will need the money!

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy Tue 06-Aug-13 00:37:19

Oh, no! sad

I'm so sorry to see this.

I agree with others - please, please don't withdraw. You deserve this and have worked hard for it.

Sorry to be blunt, but also, if you make up and he comes around (or realizes he's going to lose his wife if he doesn't!), you will still have lost what sounds like a pretty great job.

echt Tue 06-Aug-13 01:12:09

Don't withdraw, OP.

Apart from anything else, you'll need the money.

notanyanymore Tue 06-Aug-13 01:16:56

YAsooooNBU, he needs to grow up and support you not act like a petulant child. If he doesn't want to work with/under you he needs to be looking at other options (and a bigger pair of balls)

Don't withdraw, you'll need that job if the marriage is going to end. He doesn't even want to work there, if you get it he can do what he said and move to another place to work.
Don't let him run you off from a job you will love.

Crumbledwalnuts Tue 06-Aug-13 03:53:51

This is terrible! Of course you should go for it. He's uncomfortable because he's been lazy about his own career and now you're going to show him up. You should just go for it.

Crumbledwalnuts Tue 06-Aug-13 03:56:23

Jeez what an idiot he is. Don't withdraw, don't cave, that's just bullying. I only read the op and the first page but now I've read about what a nutter he plainly is. Go for it.

CinnabarRed Tue 06-Aug-13 06:22:13

I really don't mean this as flippant - but as your marriage is over (I'm so sorry) then there's no reason to withdraw.

In fact, it's even more important that you secure your future.

I posted earlier on the thread, and said I thought YWU to apply in the first place. Although his career was no more important than yours neither is it any less important, and I don't automatically accept that earning more makes one job more important than the other (there are too many posts on Relationships where over-paid and over-entitled men take exactly that position to grind down their wives and partners).

However, as you are separated, there is no longer any need to compare jobs in the context of the family overall. If you get the job (and good luck to you) then he can start looking for another role if he finds the situation unbearable.

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin Tue 06-Aug-13 06:28:46

Oh shit.
Agree eith cinnabar, you need this job more than ever now as something to throw yourself into
Fwiw I think yout dh was unreasonable from the very start snd was coming on to say apply

BeckAndCall Tue 06-Aug-13 06:38:48

Oh dear.

So you're the one with the qualifications to apply for this role, he is a support worker who doesn't really like the job, but he thinks he gets to say 'no' to you when this is your very specialist area that you've trained for for the last 3 years? And whatsmore, you were there fro 2 years first!

No wonder you're not OK with it.

It sounds like the kind of role which doesn't come up very often so please don't pull out - you may have to wait years or move miles away to find and an equivalent position.

DontmindifIdo Tue 06-Aug-13 06:49:06

Just to add to the chorus, don't withdraw! It sounds like this is one of only a few suitable roles for you, whereas he doesn't see his job as long term. If you are really ending your marriage anyway, you need to have a decent wage. Don't let pride get in your way, not his pride or yours.

hannibalismisunderstood Tue 06-Aug-13 07:17:52

Thank you, I know you are all right.... It would be mad to withdraw now but part of Me just wants to get it over and done with and cut all ties with stbexdh but the sane logical side is saying just wait.... I might not even get an interview and this is what I said repeatedly to him yesterday!

In the argument he called me a bully for wanting to be his boss, said I was emotionally cold, not a wife, the man in the relationship and mentally unsound if I didn't see that it was too weird! I never call him names but he always resorts to them, then it was oh how he wishes he saw 6 years ago that I'm not a nice person etc and that the only nice things coming out of this relationship was meeting my ds (14) and our dd(3).

I supported him when he moved in and wasn't working despite being a full time student single Mum with 2 part time jobs and even when he just quit a job because he didnt like the people I supported him for over a month until he got a new job.... He doesn't drive so I did all the drop offs/pick ups for dsd(18) until she moved in at 16 ans I still do all the drop offs and driving around and yet after visiting his parents its him who needs to pop to the pub as he's tired..... Arghhh

diddl Tue 06-Aug-13 07:24:49

He sounds like hard work.

You will be well rid!

Apply for the job-& best of luck!

formicadinosaur Tue 06-Aug-13 08:28:48

Go for it. Sounds like a job you would love and DH is likely to move in anyway soon

Gay40 Tue 06-Aug-13 08:34:02

He sounds like a cock and you need a job. It's a no-brainer.

Leaving the husband and taking the job sounds pretty win-win to me.

"You're the man in this relationship" is such a bullshit thing to say. Fuck that.

sameoldIggi Tue 06-Aug-13 09:04:43

If you do withdraw, I can picture this happening - he is mollified, so does everything he can to make things right with you, and you give things another go. Without the job. So really he gets exactly what he wants. If you get the job, and do decide to stay together, at least you'll know he accepted your right to apply.

ssd Tue 06-Aug-13 09:09:52

get the new job and sack him (I'm bitter and twisted)

CSIJanner Tue 06-Aug-13 14:12:40

Do not withdraw! Mumsnet has decreed it so. You've trained for this, supported him, step children, your children, studied, introduced him and got him the job - seriously, how much more do you need to give up for the man-child?

If he sees the light and apologises, then you've got the job interview and a marriage to work on. If he still falls back to name calling, you've still got the job interview and an independent future without him. It's not your problem nor the company as they know your relationship. It's his and his bruises ego. Don't let the child-ego win.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Tue 06-Aug-13 14:18:16

You have a child with your stbex. I'm afraid you will never be shot of him.

Just do nothing today. If you don't withdraw today you can always withdraw tomorrow. If you withdraw today you can't change your mind tomorrow.

Boosterseat Tue 06-Aug-13 14:59:09

Hannibal Amazing name btw, cant believe i didn't spot it before! Huge crush on Mads blush

Please, please, please do not withdraw.

I don't even know you and I'm bloody proud of you!

In the argument he called me a bully for wanting to be his boss, said I was emotionally cold, not a wife, the man in the relationship and mentally unsound if I didn't see that it was too weird! I never call him names but he always resorts to them, then it was oh how he wishes he saw 6 years ago that I'm not a nice person etc and that the only nice things coming out of this relationship was meeting my ds (14) and our dd(3).

Your'e not even going to be his fucking boss and so what if you are? what is he insinuating that your DD could never be management? Or is it only you that needs to be submissive to protect his fragile ego? He doesn't see you as equal, he sees you as a threat and tries to make out you have a MH issue.

Take the job if its offered - then sack the cunt for being a selfish,sexist,abusive prick.

To qualify working for that kind of salary you are obviously a capable, intelligent and qualified professional - don't let him take that away from you.

AaDB Tue 06-Aug-13 15:47:21

DH was bvu.

Don't withdraw. As you have said, you may not get an interview. This will need excellent experience and nothing ventured etc. I've recently secured a job. An ex colleague heard I'd applied for a job in her dept and told me about another vacancy. Just applying will let it be known you are in the market for this type of role. You never know what that could lead to. Best of luckthanks

hannibalismisunderstood Tue 06-Aug-13 16:09:40

Thank you everyone, I've decided not to withdraw and am seriously considering my future, I even looked up that if I apply fir a divorce now on my low wage I'd get a full fee remission and so a happy that if it does come to that I won't be held back by finances... Strange thing to think I know but knowledge is power etc etc

boosterseat he's my celeb crush too! So sad tge series has ended but I still have Dexter [GRIN]

(and that's another thing, H hates me watching these dark programmes and horror films but I love them!!)

hannibalismisunderstood Tue 06-Aug-13 16:10:57

Arghh sorry for the typos!

Boosterseat Tue 06-Aug-13 16:26:56

I'm really pleased you've reconsidered your position - its not as if job opportunities are being given away in cereal packets right now
If you are anywhere near Yorkshire you're welcome to come to mine for the next series.DH can scoot over to the other sofa!

I have moral dilemmas over that man! He is so sexy,intelligent and an excellent cook buuuut he kills and eats people which is kind of a deal breaker for me. grin

TheDoctrineOfAllan Tue 06-Aug-13 17:12:47

Glad you haven't withdrawn OP.

I'm glad you haven't withdrawn. Sorry to hear he has behaved like this.

I did think for a minute I'd stepped into the 1950's (man as breadwinner and wife with a little job). I earn considerably more than DH and he copes.

Mumsyblouse Tue 06-Aug-13 17:49:41

Don't withdraw, it is very common for people in the same area such as academia to work together and they are not usually at the same level at the same time all the time- the fact he couldn't cope with this means he would never support your career. I hope you get an interview!

hannibalismisunderstood Tue 06-Aug-13 18:04:01

Booster depends whether he has a 'code' like Dexter - could be persuaded but hey, could always go veggie and I bet he could make some lovely desserts!!! wink

Fingers crossed for an interview!!

Boosterseat Tue 06-Aug-13 18:17:26

Good luck my lovely - just make sure I get an invite to dinner as long as I'm not on the menu grin

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 06-Aug-13 20:09:27

I am very sorry that a prospective application letter is having such consequences. I must say that I am baffled by his behaviour. He really does not want you there. You would think he has a mistress at work.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. I do hope he cannot sabotage your application. Keep applying.

MrsRochestersCat Tue 06-Aug-13 20:47:15

Oh Hannibal! As I have read through this thread I have decidedly concluded that YANBU! He sounds like such a drain on life!!

You have put so much energy into supporting him through the years - and he can't even be pleased (let alone supportive) of your hard-won success?! I have seen a phrase on Mumsnet that feels right for this situation: Cocklodger.

Feel proud of your success and enjoy the rewards of your hard work.

MrsRochestersCat Tue 06-Aug-13 20:48:40

I wondered about a mistress too sad

Euphemia Tue 06-Aug-13 21:18:10

Fingers crossed for you - your DH has been an absolute arse over this! What a fool!

FreeWee Tue 06-Aug-13 21:19:25

Glad you haven't withdrawn but sorry to hear this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Fingers crossed for an interview. Do let us know!

tinkertitonk Tue 06-Aug-13 22:10:28

This is an obvious COI. If you can't see this then certainly other employees will see it and call it nepotism whenever they are denied promotion.

CSIJanner Tue 06-Aug-13 23:41:29

It's not a conflict of interest if there's full disclosure and if OP's company and her own direct line manager makes it clear that she has no authority over her husband even via his line manager.

MrsRochestersCat Tue 06-Aug-13 23:53:55

If there was a COI the unit would not have taken STBEXH on in the first place - when OP was there previously. If the unit believe there is a COI at this point in time then they won't progress OP's application.

Besides, people will tolerate even the worst examples of nepotism so long as the related employees can do their job well.

OP, don't base your life decisions on what other people may or may not think about the situation!!

If you were my sister I would advise you to go for the interview regardless of anything else - if they offer you the job that is when you decided if it is right for you.

hannibalismisunderstood Wed 07-Aug-13 09:31:14

thank you everyone....

I know that there isn't a mistress at work, I am friends with one of his co-workers and still connected via my research and so something would have gotten back to me, plus I trust him 100% on that - he despises cheating and has shown no signs that would make me suspect this...

He was better last night, we agreed not to discuss this anymore until I have an interview and am potentially offered a job there.... I will let you guys know if I get an interview!

hannibalismisunderstood Tue 13-Aug-13 18:18:31

Well I have an interview so now the key decision is do I tell DH before the interview or wait until after??

diddl Tue 13-Aug-13 18:29:04

I'd what & see if you are offered a place tbh.

nowwearefour Tue 13-Aug-13 18:48:54

When is the interview? Is your marriage poss back on again? If so, tell him in the spirit of openness. If not, none of his business!

TempusFuckit Tue 13-Aug-13 20:23:00

Wow, just read this thread for the first time. Good luck, I really hope you get it. And definitely don't tell him. Will the company tell him/ask him about you do you think?

KeatsiePie Tue 13-Aug-13 20:23:39

Hey that's great!!

Since you're uncertain about the future of your marriage (I'm really sorry about that) I would not use it as the basis of your decision. I.e., you might feel like you are or are not going to divorce today, but that might change, b/c there's so much emotion involved and it can take a while to say for sure whether a marriage is over.

Instead, I think telling him/not telling him should depend on how his reaction will affect you. If he's going to throw a fit and drain your energy such that you go into the interview distracted and unprepared, then don't tell him.

Another factor: will he see you when you go in to interview?

Good luck with the interview. Personally I'd tell your d p (because you have nothing to hide) but be ready to ignore his whinging. I wouldn't judge you for keeping it a secret, though.

WaitMonkey Tue 13-Aug-13 21:22:51

Just read this thread for the first time. Your dh sounds pathetic to be honest. Good luck with the interview, when is it ? I'd be making plans to LTB if I where you. Good luck.

DontmindifIdo Tue 13-Aug-13 21:34:56

I would tell him, because he'll look a tit if the person interviewing you says "oh, I've got your wife in for interview today" and he doesn't know anything about it.

If you get it, then you make the decision. If not, it's good interview practice.

ChasedByBees Tue 13-Aug-13 21:40:27

Are you still seeing him as STBX? Not that it matters, I wouldn't tell him either way TBH.

This company is:
* one you introduced him to
* one you are specially trained for
* one he wants to leave (but is too lazy to get off his arse and do something about it)

Of course you should go for the job. If he really feels that strongly then he should take it as his impetus to follow his dreams and do something different, but something tells me he is the type who would rather just sit and complain that he hasn't had as many chances, it's too hard, it's your fault (for no specific reason) whine whine whine...

HeathcliffeItsMe Tue 13-Aug-13 21:56:25

Good luck with the interview.

Merel Tue 13-Aug-13 21:59:58

Where I work, it states in the HR handbook that people in a relationship or family members can't manage one another. Might be worth checking.

encyclogirl Tue 13-Aug-13 22:07:13

Good luck at the interview!

hannibalismisunderstood Wed 14-Aug-13 11:14:52

thank you everyone... things have been better but we haven't discussed this at all so perhaps that has contributed to it. I think I will tell him as he will be working that day and it will be worse to not disclose it but probably not until the weekend...

I have another interview for a different job tomorrow too so am feeling reasonably positive! must prepare for that one now :D

Will keep you all updated grin

TheDoctrineOfJetlag Wed 14-Aug-13 18:35:08

Good luck for both!

maddening Wed 14-Aug-13 18:48:15

Good luck!

KeatsiePie Thu 15-Aug-13 08:37:55

Good luck with both!

ChimeForChange Thu 15-Aug-13 08:47:08

Good luck OP!

And if you get job offers go for the one you WANT not the one you're pressured in to!!

Cannot believe there were posters saying.... "ifhe doesn't want you to be his boss you should respect that" !!

ratbagcatbag Thu 15-Aug-13 08:48:44

Good luck. It seriously sounds like he has issues with you earning more than him but can't be arsed to do anything about it.

My dh can't wait for me to earn more as he's twenty years older than me and we have a five month old. If we can clear the mortgage in 8 years he wants part time and dealing with school runs etc. smile

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